Ask Me Help Desk - Would this be wrong to break NC for?

Would this be wrong to break NC for?

Hi all,

This Wednesday makes 6 weeks that my ex broke up with me. I think about her every morning and once in a while during the day. Today while going to work I ran into her best friends mother who I became close with through her. We talked for a while then I asked how my ex was doing . She told me that she's going for surgery to remove her thyroid she and that's she's been a little crazy with all this going on. She told me that my ex told her not to tell me because she didn't want me to get upset. But I really want to contact her and be there on the day of or after. She's getting the surgery by December is this wrong to contact her?? Should I break the no contact for this?? What's everyone's opinions. Would this oversteppign my boundries?

Thanks!!

I don't see the problem in contacting her over something like this. Surgery is completely different and she probably needs all the support she can get, she'll probably be a bit worried about it too. I would find out the date she is in hospital and without a doubt turn up and hand her mom/dad a get well soon card from yourself and some flowers. You don't have to be embaressed about it (I don't know if you feel that's the case?) but there's no harm in turning up doing what I've said, you don't have to stay around the hospital either, make sure you get the card and flowers to her parents and then leave. You can then start the No Contact process from here.

All the best.

I hear you

Some nice flowers will be fine. She'll know you have her in your thoughts and can rest and recover. She'll be on pain meds and tired for a short time and when she's back on her feet she may call to thank you. Communicating prior to her surgery might be good or it might simply add to all the things she's dealing with. You'll know best if it will help or hinder. If you fill out a nice card to go with the flowers try to stay on-point and be brief; don't go into you or I or we, just show support and she'll appreciate that.

So I sent a small email sayign I'm there for her and to call if she needs anything didn't going into any past or anything else. I also said I wanted to stop by after she's out will drop a few things off to her flowers and all and leave... I feel like she will appreciate that and if she doesn't or doesn't responf to the email I will just back off.

I didn't read much ofthis but from what I did read it looks like your looking for excuses to see her or be in contact with her. She is not your problem anymore. I woulndt do anything with flowers. A card saying hope you get well son or something of that sort.

The thing is, we don't know why exactly she broke up with him? They could have broke up on decent terms. He's still going to care for her, personally I wouldn't of e-mailed I would have just turned up at the hospital with a card and flowers. It's a difficult situation, probably needs more views to be honest.

Well the terms we left of on were great everything was OK we hugged kissed and walked away. I mean we didn't arguee or fuss or anything I mean maybee I am wrong but that why Im here to get different opionions. I do have to say I do care still and I contacted her for support and to contact her it might be a reason but like I said that's why I'm here asking

If you love her then I would do the whole flower thing, and tell her that your there for her if she needs you. I would just follow your heart.

Yea I probably will I made the attempt emailed her so she can let me know what the date is going to be and called her to let her no I emailed her. I did my part is she gets back to me great if not nothing else I can do. When I called she sounded very surprised to hear from me since we haven't spoke for weeks She didn't have much at all to say. She was quit and sounded sad or shy almost So I just asked if she felt weird and she said she feels a little weird speaking to me. Like I said before we left off great I made the contact cause I feel it was right and now I sit back and wait to see what happens...

Thanks and any more responses or opinions would be appreciated.!

It may seem like negative thinking, but the reason she said for no one to tell you might be because she really doesn't want anything from you i.e. flowers or help. Im not saying this is the case but keep that in mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chris28

Hi all,

this Wednesday makes 6 weeks that my ex broke up with me. I think about her every morning and once in a while during the day. Today while going to work I ran into her best friends mother who I became close with thru her. We talked for a while then I asked how my ex was doing . She told me that she's going for surgery to remove her thyroid she and that's she's been a little crazy with all this going on. She told me that my ex told her not to tell me because she didn't want me to get upset. But I really want to contact her and be there on the day of or after. She's getting the surgery by December is this wrong to contact her???? Should I break the no contact for this???? What's everyone's opinions. would this oversteppign my boundries??

Thanks!!!!

She told the lady not to tell you, so she obviously didn't want you to know. The lady told you any way, she betrayed a trust. I don't think you ought to do anything.

I just never know with girls anymore.

Im a girl and I don't even get us... LOL

I can understand why you want to reach out to her. But I don't think its best. Not saying its not a major thing but at the same time its not your problem. She knows you care about her but in a REAL way she left you so she shouldn't be getting the thing she use 2. Feels mean saying it but it is true.

OK now I'm starting to feel dumb by everyone's answer I think you are all kind of right. She started texting me back and all and she kept it to the point and sweet . I said do you want me to totally just end this contact and all of course she said no but she just don't want to talk everyday. And she also said that everything is OK with her and all . She asked if I had a g/f and what I have been doing. But to be honest I don't no if I did the right things... I left it with her if she wants to contact me that's fine otherwise I'm finished am I wrong??

Quote:

Originally Posted by chris28

ok now im starting to feel dumb by everyones answer I think you are all kind of right. She started texting me back and all and she kept it to the point and sweet . I said do u want me to totally just end this contact and all of course she said no but she just dont wanna talk everyday. And she also said that everything is ok with her and all . She asked if i had a g/f and what I have been doing. but to be honest I dont no if i did the right things.... I left it with her if she wants to contact me thats fine otherwise im finished am i wrong???

Nope.

Its about you not her. If it bothers you to talk to her then don't talk to her.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Just go NC.

Chris
I'm sorry but she is not your problem at the moment. It seems like you are just using this as an excuse to contact her again. You have gone 6 weeks NC and now you have broken it and are giving yourself false hope. Leave her be my friend , if she wants to come back she will , but start looking out for yourself and start that healing process. I wish you luck.

Are you two on a break or just broken up and having no contact to get over each other.. if you two are just on a break.. contact her. Maybe something like this could bring you two back together and make your relationship really strong if you show you care.

Good luck... Let the forum know what you chose to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mwilliams15

are you two on a break or just broken up and having no contact to get over each other.. if you two are just on a break.. contact her. Maybe something like this could bring you two back together and make your relationship really strong if you show you care.

Good luck... Let the forum know what you chose to do.

No we are actually broken up, Like I said earlier in this post Ive been broken up with before and also broke up with others with a ton of anger hatred and all things like that. Not with this girl I still care about her I do understand we might not be able to be 2gethor no more cause of compatibilities issues but I wish she would just say OK I cheated on you or I never loved you or I hate you.

Yes it has been 6 weeks NC and I messed up but sometimes my feeling over throw everything I no is right. When we talked I could sense that she was kind of uncfortable about it. She mention ill let you no when the surgey is but I don't think I can see you cause its akward.

I wish I understood things... And fine you don't want to be with me and all that... Then why ask am I seeing anyone?? I don't get it

She is keeping you there as a backup to her emotions , if she knows you are still there for her it helps ease her guilt. Like I said start looking out for YOU , if she wants to come back she will. But at least if you LET GO if she ever does come back you will be in a far better state of mind to decide whether that's what you really want.

Sounds to me like you've done all you could do. You talked to her to see if she was doing all right and what's going on. Now maybe its time you leave it up to her to come to you. I think you have a good head on your shoulder.. and it sounds like you've really tried with this girl.. so let her come to you in the future.
But if it's bugging you to point where you can't take it anymore.. just be forward and ask her what's going on.. if she still likes you.. hates you.. wants nothing to do with you.. tell her you want an honest answer then maybe you'll be able to completely move on without feeling like there was unfinished business.

You say you don't understand things, but the answers appear to be right in front of you. She sounded uncomfortable talking to you, she doesn't want to see you... etc. I know you are probably trying to interpret these things in another way but you will have to face the facts at some point.

The thing is, if she didn't want him to know, why would she want him kept backed up for her emotions? She specifically told her mate not to say anything but she has, it's just added to his problem. If she wanted him to worry about her n show emotion towards her wouldn't she of told him herself? You've done all you can do Chris, it's just up to you if you turn up at the hospital or not.

Send her some flowers and card wishing her well for the surgery

That's what I said I would have done. Don't start e-mailing or calling or texting. Leave it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chris28

ok now im starting to feel dumb by everyones answer I think you are all kind of right. She started texting me back and all and she kept it to the point and sweet . I said do u want me to totally just end this contact and all of course she said no but she just dont wanna talk everyday. And she also said that everything is ok with her and all . She asked if i had a g/f and what I have been doing. but to be honest I dont no if i did the right things.... I left it with her if she wants to contact me thats fine otherwise im finished am i wrong???

She is just doing the friendly chatter thing. Leave it alone. If she really wanted you, you would know it.

Yes I no Ive done all I could and I will not do anything more I put it out there is she wants support so be it and if not so be it as well. I told her last time we spoke I'm backed off now its up to you, I'm serious about that if its meant to be it will and if not I'm not with the contact I've tried and I'm tired now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mwilliams15

Sounds to me like you've done all you could do. You talked to her to see if she was doing alright and whats going on. Now maybe its time you leave it up to her to come to you. I think you have a good head on your shoulder.. and it sounds like you've really tried with this girl.. so let her come to you in the future.
But if it's bugging you to point where you can't take it anymore.. just be forward and ask her whats going on.. if she still likes you.. hates you.. wants nothing to do with you.. tell her you want an honest answer then maybe you'll be able to completely move on without feeling like there was unfinished business.

I think she has a problem expressing herself with me she says it because she don't want to hurt me. Im tired of wondering I think I just have to move on and see what happens next.

I have to admit you are all probably right , I don't think she wants much to do with me from the way she was kind of stand offish but she tends to send the wrong message at times. That's why its better I do not contact her. For example she didn't have much to say yesterday except how am I what have I been doing and so on. But here is were it becomes weird she asked so are you seeing someone do you have a girlfriend? Y ask that if you done care. Also she said it akward I'm not sure why... what's this mean should I not think about it I'm so unsure. One thing I no if NC the less info you have the better

This is what we try and do mate and you've got to draw a line under this. You've got to tell yourself that if she's ready to be back with you, she will tell you. Nobody else but her will tell you, don't go running around to her friend or family asking for any info or updates how she might feel. 9 times out of 10 her friends will end up telling your ex what you've been asking anyway! And then you'll be back to square one. Don't e-mail, she knows your feelings, it's pointless. Just wait for her to call, see what she wants act cool ask how she is then say you've "got to go sorry something has come up" You've got to look for your close friends now, don't be afraid to tell them how you feel, they will all say the same thing as us. Go out with them, you sound a decent chap and you've got many many years left in your life, you will find the one. I keep telling myself that. I know it will happen.

Sooooooooo tru!

Chris
Bottom line!!! If she wanted to be with you she would be. She broke up with you so doesn't want to be with you at the moment. I'm not saying she will come back but if you keep being there for her at the moment you are making it easier for her and harder for you. Look after yourself and stop trying to figure out what she is thinking , you are only giving yourself false hope and stalling your healing process.

When was the last time you spoke to her Chris? Any new developments? How are you getting on?

The last time I spoke with her was that day I started this chat. I have not spoke with her yesterday I did think abiout her and all you guys are right about stalling the healing process... But no I haven't spoke to her after that email and call that day. I won't even lie I wanted to call her but :(

I won't lie myself, I wanted to call my ex, well not call, but text her something, and I managed to stop myself. I honestly keep thinking about what everyone has said on this board and it has really helped me. I do get the occasional moments though which brings back some sort of memory with my ex and it hits me for a minute or two, but goes away afterwards. I'm finding it hard to be honest. But don't we all?

Quote:

Originally Posted by chris08

I wont lie myself, i wanted to call my ex, well not call, but text her something, and i managed to stop myself. I honestly keep thinking about what everyone has said on this board and it has really helped me. I do get the occasional moments tho which brings back some sort of memory with my ex and it hits me for a minute or two, but goes away afterwards. I'm finding it hard to be honest. But don't we all?

Guys
This is perfectly normal believe me so don't feel like you a weak because of it , the fact you have the strength not to call , text etc. is a good sign. Keep it up and you will find each day , week , month it just gets so much easier.

How did you handle a break up friend4u178, if you don't mind me asking? Did you ever have the urge to call or text or e-mail how your feeling deep down?

Chris,

If you ask me and this is only my opinion. I think if there were any person who broke up with anpther person and didn't have the urge to call or text there was something not there in the relationship and probably never was. Now I think even if it's the person who broke up unless it was for another person there still has to be times when the urge comes up to call ot make contact IT has to be true. Your with someone so long if you didn't have that urge you woudnt be human... but that's my opinion does anyone agree?

Quote:

Originally Posted by chris08

How did you handle a break up friend4u178, if you don't mind me asking? Did you ever have the urge to call or text or e-mail how your feeling deep down?

Chris08
Yes I had the urges to call , email and text like everyone else. That's perfectly normal. I did all the frantic stuff when I had a bust up afew years ago and learned from it. In my last breakup I didn't do all that desperate stuff because I learned it doesn't work anyway , in fact all it does is push the person further away and basically at the point of the breakup the Dumper pretty well sees everything you do as a vindication for why they broke it off with you. AND by not doing all the desperation stuff you not only get to keep your dignity but they see you in a much brighter light after a while when things have calmed down.