I'd like to start by saying that this isn't something that developed over night... Here's the story...

About 6-8 months into the relationship we were discussing marriage (not our own) because of a wedding we had gone to where the bride was a fitness buff. I stated how great she looked in her dress and that I want to look the same way in my wedding pictures. This turned into him stating that he wants a thin bride as well. Time has passed since then and there have been several where he asks me if I'm going to the gym, or will make a comment if I'm eating something that isn't particularly healthy. We've had two big fights about my weight... he said that we can't move forward in our relationship without me losing weight. He thinks that if I get pregnant, then I'm never going to be able to drop the weight, and his whole family is overweight and he doesn't want to be married to someone who is big as well... he's simply not attracted to them.

I'll admit I'm not the smallest girl who has ever walked... I could afford to lose about 30-40 lbs... but I wasn't small when he started dating me two years ago either. (He saw pictures of me from when I was on a competition cheerleading squad and was VERY VERY in shape and his view of me changed... ) I have gained maybe 20 lbs in the past two years because of a medication that I was on (Depo) and since I only stand 5 feet tall, it looks like a lot more than it is. He told me last night that some of his friends talk about me and make comments like "you like them big, huh?" and other stupid things, to which he says that he stands up for me... but all of these things hurt my feelings. I understand that he wants me to better myself, but my self-esteem is just shattered. I want to be able to just brush this off, but it's hurting so much inside. I'm embarrassed and sad and overall, confused.

I don't know exactly what I'm asking you to do, I just need to talk to someone...

I know in my heart that he should love me no matter what, but I kind of feel like some of his requests are kind of logical...


Please help me just work through this... where can I go from here and what can I do?

(PS- Just for reference, he is 26 and I am 24)

Okay first off... how much do you even weight?? Second why the hell would his opinion change after all this time? Ask what exactly changed his mind. He has been with you all this time, he has delt with your weight all this time and before he started tying to get you to lose some pounds and NOW he is saying you need to lose weight? Tell him to ignore his friends tell him to be a smart! A friend of mine is dating a VERY large woman and some of his friends pick on him cause of it and he will just make jokes that eventually get them to back off. Is this really he is worried about how you look or worried about how your looks make him look?

I wouldn't say that I'm a VERY large girl... I wear a size 12 or 14 in jeans, if that helps you to get a better mental image... but I am VERY short... only 5 feet tall... so if I gain even 5 pounds, it seems like I've ballooned up.

I don't know exactly what worries him the most... but his comment to me was 'if I get married I want a thin, attractive wife... no hidden meanings... I'm telling you want I want point blank.' I'm just really, really hurt.

Tell him that! Let him know that him saying this is hurting you. Say plain and simple "Do you like who I am? Do you get along with me? Do you love me? Then what's the issue here?" If he really cares he shouldn't care how you look. I think I look like a freaking blimp around my stomach. I'm 5'7 and I weigh 180 pounds almost all my weight comes from my and stomach. If I wear tight shirts I know other people think I look fat. My boyfriend how ever is always telling me how beautiful I am and that I'm not fat and whatever other people say about my looks is bs. You're boyfriend has no right to try and change you just cause you're a little chubby cause from what it sounds like that's what it is... your chubby like me but NOT fat!

You should be more honest with yourself. Do YOU feel fat and unattractive?

Being 5 feet wearing size 12-14 would be considered big, at least in metropolitan areas where most people thin. I am 4 foot 10 inches and I have been told I was fat when I wore a size 2. At size 0, people say I'm just right. Men who like petite girls like them skinny too, even though I still wouldn't call myself skinny.

Wait... while there IS a weight issue here, the bigger issue is that he's telling you that he won't marry you the way you are.

Do you want to marry someone who won't commit to you regardless how you look? What if you were in an accident and were scarred--would he walk?

MY advice, which probably won't be followed, is to ditch the guy, then lose weight for YOU.

You wrote: "He told me last night that some of his friends talk about me and make comments like "you like them big, huh?" and other stupid things, to which he says that he stands up for me... but all of these things hurt my feelings. I understand that he wants me to better myself, but my self-esteem is just shattered." Life is about challenges and decisions. If I could wish something for you, it wouldn't be that your weight was what made him happy; it would be that you know what will make you happy. I can recommend the 'no sugar, no flour diet", by Dr. Peter Gott. You might try it or another, and see how much support you get from him, if you want any.

I agree with Synnen, lose him for your own self esteem, and lose the weight for your own healthy. You shouldn't be with a guy that makes such demands. A real man loves his woman for what she is, and makes no stupid demands, or does things to hurt her feelings. Lose this sorry excuse for a man.

You need to lose a lot of weight maybe 200 lbs, called a stupid boyfriened,

He may want you to lose some weight, I have wanted to lose weight now for about 20 years,

If a person really loves you, they will marry you no matter what, This guy is a jerk and you deserve better. I would tell him fine, if you feel like that we don't need to be together,

If u want to lose weight now for his sake, be prepared to lose weight FOREVER for his sake.
If his friends are making fun of you now, imagine how much more insults you have to live up to for the rest of your life if you continue to be with him.

It is understandable that a man wants his bride to look good. He may have said it too blatantly in front of u. Maybe he wants you to feel a little hurt so you will do something about it. It is hard to reveal such sensitive issues to a partner. But I am glad he did.

At least now you can take actions.
Lose weight because you know you are not eating healthily and you know you deserve to be slimmer?
Dump him because he told you the hard truth and then lose weight for your own good?
Dump him and continue to be the person you are because that makes you happy?
Keep him and battle with your weight forever because you lack the motivation to do it for yourself?

I know it is a bit harsh to dump a guy who told you that you are 'big'. But the fact that he is staying with you and not out looking for another woman could mean he actually loves u. Right now, he just cannot come to terms with his "ambitious self". He wants supermodels as girlfriend, handsome young kids, rich father etc. The things that young youths always hope for. I would say... give him some time to accept reality. But tone your body because YOU want to!

Granted, my type is a girl who wears size 0 or 2 jeans...

But I've dated heavier types. Regardless... I would NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER tell a girl how she looks in a negative manner. NEVER! Not with a gun to my head. Is that guy out of his mind?

Granted, I have dated a heavier girl, and I've wanted her to lose a little bit of weight (she ate twice as much as I did... ), there are SO many better ways of telling the girl to do so. Here's a few:

Hey. I figured I need to work out a little, did you want to get a gym membership with me?

Let's take a tae bo/kickboxing class! It'll help you learn self defense moves!

Want to go for a walk/jog/run/hike?

... NEVER tell a girl she's big. Never.

You need to ditch that kid.

By the way, is he in shape? If he is, then fine. If he's not, how does he have any right to say anything?

p.s. - to make matters worse, you gained weight due to medication...

Im going to go against the grain of what everyone else is saying, and suggest going to couples theorpy. I think this guy really likes you, and if you both clear the air with a mediator that specializes in this area, a mutual conclusion can be drawn by both parties.

I don't suggest a break up. I don't suggest losing weight. I suggest 1 session of couples theorpy first.

Going to therapy is nice and all but the truth still remains, her boyfriend is belittling her by a physical image. Never try to change someone, it always fails!!

He believes a skinny wife is the only thing for him. I say, like the rest of the comments, is to ditch him! Why? Since you have feelings for him, this will be hard but what about what you want. Do you want a "husband" to be constantly at you about your weight. I can't believe you didn't bite his head off! I would have!
I suggest this to say to your "boyfriend."
"So, you want me to lose weight in order to wed me, huh? Well, how bout I ask you to enlarge your penis for me?"
I doubt his confidence would be soaring if you said that.

I'm sorry, but I'm still going to respectfully disagree. Physical attractiveness is important to a man. It's not the most important thing, but it's still important. I love my girlfriend. If she got fat, I wouldn't break up with her, and I would still love her. But our sex life would suffer because of it. And since sex has an importance in a relationship, if it suffers, then the relationship suffers.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I understand what women are saying here, but I respectfully disagree.

I'm pretty sure that this guy is thinking the same thing I'm thinking. If he really didn't like her, he would break up with her. But he didn't, hasn't, and won't because he has deep feelings for her, maybe even love. All he wants, is for her to take better care of herself. If she does take better care of herself, even if she only tries to, it would enrich both of their lives. But if she can't even love herself enough to even try to take care of herself, then she becomes a hard person to love in return.

Or maybe I'm just not that mature yet. Maybe it's my views that are distorted, which I'm perfectly capable to admitting and accepting if I'm wrong. I just don't want her to junk a whole relationship because of what her boyfriend said. Boyfriends say a lot of stupid things, and I'm living proof, but his actions may be different. I just want to give this poor guy the benefit of the doubt.

And lastly, this guy got with the girls in question while she was over weight. That proves that the weight wasn't a factor. He liked her for her! So that probably never changed. She's the one who originally made the statement about being skinny on her wedding day, he meerly agreed it would be nice. For all we know, he's only trying to support her decision by encouraging her to lose the weight. Anything he says is here-say. I think too many people are jumping the gun. It's too much for us to decipher over the internet, that's why I still believe in my original statement:

Couples Theorpy! :P

I'm not disagreeing with EuRa. Physical attractiveness does matter. HOWEVER, there are so many different ways of bringing up "you should lose weight" rather than commenting on her eating, not to mention the two huge fights about the weight comments.

Also, what was the point of him telling her that his friends make fun of her weight? There was absolutely no point in that... I guess he was trying to say... HEY, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THAT... but really, to say that his FRIENDS make fun of her weight? How's she going to feel the next time she sees his friends?

I feel that the guy could have done a much better job at delivery.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

I'm not disagreeing with EuRa. Physical attractiveness does matter. HOWEVER, there are so many different ways of bringing up "you should lose weight" rather than commenting on her eating, not to mention the two huge fights about the weight comments.

also, what was the point of him telling her that his friends make fun of her weight? there was absolutely no point in that...i guess he was trying to say...HEY, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THAT...but really, to say that his FRIENDS make fun of her weight? how's she going to feel the next time she sees his friends?

i feel that the guy coulda done a much better job at delivery.

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Yeah I whole-heartedly agree. If he did a better job at communication, we might not even be having this whole discussion on the forums, hence the reason why I think this issue is being made larger than it should be.

Don't give up on him. Theorpy once. Just one time! 40 bucks. If someone told you that 40 bucks could make or break your entire future, you wouldn't do it? Come on now! :)

40?!

... where did you find a therapist for 40?!

... my area... 150 an hour.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

40?!?!?

...where did you find a therapist for 40?!?

...my area...150 an hour.

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I live in the boondocks, Adirondacks of New York. Everything here is really cheap like that, but you also get paid crap for money so. :P

Hi dear,

The way I see it is that this egotistical jerk will always have something to complain about and he will never respect you - or understand that you gained weight due to medication first, then maybe a little more through his stressing and depressing you to no end.

So, as suggested, loose the first few pounds by dumping him. Then talk to your doctor about maybe changing medications. He or she should be able to find a med that is more suitable for you - it's worth a try.

Then, if you live near a pool, swim a lot because that is still the best way to tone the entire body and make you feel better about yourself--- that and dancing - even if at home alone, as long as you break out in a good sweat and enjoy yourself while doing it. It does not have to be a chore.

Honestly, get rid of this jerk - and I bet that he will look like the goodyear blimp in a few years himself... ego-trippers usually don't care about anything beyond their own noses, so do yourself that favor and get your self-respect back.

My BF dumped me when he found out I had cancer - another ego-tripper...

You deserve a heck of a lot better!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif If he gets dumped (which probably does not happen often) he will go through depression, maybe drinking, and he will all of a sudden gain weight too - let him go through some physical and mental rejection for a change - that will also do you a lot of good.

Lose the weight for YOU and lose him for YOU.

Ok so this is in my opinion dump him! You don't need someone who's telling you things that will hurt you and besides obviously he doesn't like you for who you are and you don't need someone like that! So all I'm saying is you should DUMP HIM! You don't need him! :)

Any man who humiliates you in front of his friends is not a keeper. He is a jerk for telling you to lose weight you gained through medication for his fun, That's the pits and you deserve better. Next you'll need a nose job and learn to make wine from grapes? Save yourself the trouble as there are nice understanding mature guys out there who will treat you much better.

Need to spread the rep. but my man talaniman is right on

If you really do want to lose weight for yourself then do it- but do not do it for him.
Eat a very small breakfast and do not eat lunch- just furit and veggies are the only thing you can eat for snacks.
THen for dinner eat a HUGE salad- put cheese, meat dressing, egg, whatever you want on it, pile it high- spinich, the whole works.
And I promise you WILL lose about 3 to 4 pounds a week.
Also, You should listen to Abraham Hicks, she will give you your power back, you can watch some videos of her on YouTube.
Hugs,
Anna

Eura I have to greatly disagree with one of your previous posts where you said your sex life would suffer if your girl gained some weight. I'm 5'7 and I weigh in at 185 pounds. I really don't look it if I have on baggy clothes but anything night you can see my huge a$$ belly, and according to a chart at my doctors office, I'm overweight for my size. HOWEVER me and my boyfriend have GREAT sex! We really do! He is 135, I am 50 pounds more then him!! It's I'm on top he's on top! We even do kinky stuff like whips and handcuffs! So no weight does not effect a couples sex life unless it is greatly excessive! Even then the girl can just be on bottom all the time, or you can do things to spice up the sex life. My boyfriend is always trying to tell me I'm not overweight, fat, or even chubby! He finds me very attractive and has talked about proposing.

Second thing, sex shouldn't be the first thing on your mind in a relationship either! Yes a relationship will more then likely not work if it is JUST about love, just like it won't work if it's JUST about sex. Her boyfriend needs to look at her and see the beauty inside her rather then the outside before anything and think first "Do I love this woman? Is she someone I can spend forever with?" NOT "Am I constently going to be teased because my woman looks a bit big? What will everyone say if she looks bad at our wedding?"

A man should look at his woman and think about what he sees and feels first NOT about what others see or feel about her, same goes with a girl looking at her guy. This guy may love KayH... but to degrade a woman that he loves shows that his commitment may be on edge. He has disrespected her whether he knows it or not, he was insensitive to her feelings. Is this grounds to break up? Yes! But is it also something that can be worked out? This is also a yes. In this situation there really is no real yes or no to breaking up.

KayH, here's what I think you should do. Approach him, as I previously said in my first posts, and tell him how you feel about this issue. Ask him is this for me or you? And tell him I'm not going to lose the weight just because of your friends. Do you like me how I am or not? If it really seems that he can't deal with the issue of your weight, and you are happy with how you are, then tell him deal with my body or I'm gone. This realization may change his tune and it may not. You should NEVER change yourself perminately for someone else. It is more important for you to be happy with yourself, not for others to be happy with yourself.

I'm not saying leave him and I'm not saying stay with him, it's your pick on if you think you can deal with him.

Not telling anyone what to do, but if love depends on how you look, what about the life changing events, such as preganancy, illness or injury that can change the body? Would you want a partner you knew would be there through thick and thin? Or someone who rejects you cause your body has changed due to things you cannot control? Lose this loser now, and save the misery and pain he will bring later. OOPs, I guess I am telling someone what to do! No apology though.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Not telling anyone what to do, but if love depends on how you look, what about the life changing events, such as preganancy, illness or injury that can change the body?? Would you want a partner you knew would be there thru thick and thin?? Or someone who rejects you cause your body has changed due to things you cannot control? Lose this loser now, and save the misery and pain he will bring later. OOPs, I guess I am telling someone what to do!! No apology though.

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IMO there is no need for apology here at all. She took the depo because he probably did not want to take responsibility in contraception. She gained weight because of this. Now it is again her responsibility to 'look good' for him. He is an egotistical jerk. How about him taking contraception or getting his tubes cut if he does not want children... Oh, but then he would not be a 'real man'... and as we all know - it's always the woman's responsibility to make a man feel good, look good, and be happy, right??

A relationship is a two-way street, with both caring and sharing responsibility and if he can't give in a little - then he should not 'get any' from her anymore either. She deserves better and I hope she realizes this before she invests any more time and valuable emotions on him. So... Amen, Tal, you said it and you are right!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

Im still going to disagree, but only because he got with her when she was bigger to begin with. If weight really was the issue, I don't think he would have gotten with her and stayed with her for as long as he did.

I just think her boyfriend is going about it the wrong way. If my girlfriend was getting big, I'd get on her case in a second. And at first read, you might think I sound like a pig. But it's because she has a form of diabetes where too much weight makes it 10 times worse. I'm just not sure that we have the whole story, hearing it from her side alone.

The only thing I disagree with, is his delivery. I mean, did he really give an ultamadem (sp?) that she has to lose weight, or else he won't marry her? Whoa... way over the line. Did he make fun of her in front of his friends? I didn't see that typed anywhere, but maybe I missed it, in which case that's definitely a no-no. If he can't respect her publicly, then yes she needs to get rid of him.

But I'll admit, I don't feel 100% about my answer. I just feel like there's more to the story, and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that I have.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by EuRa

If weight really was the issue, I don't think he would have gotten with her and stayed with her for as long as he did.

Just might be... but to me it sounds like her weight gain and diabetes is freeking him out - which means he's given thought of the future, does not like it much, is scared, and probably finding any excuse possible to end it one way or another - so he might love her, but not enough to go through thick or thin with her, and that is what marriage is about.


But I'll admit, I don't feel 100% about my answer. I just feel like there's more to the story, and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that i have.

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There is more to every story in life - and yes, there are always two sides... but we are only seeing one here. And to me, he is not marriage material for her at all, sorry to say.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifWhy? because she's not happy... and deserves to be.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Chery

because she's not happy... and deserves to be.

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Yeah well if this is true, then I agree. If everyday she's miserable, or even once or twice a week just agonizing over this, I agree.

But if it's only been 1-2 discussions and/or 1-2 fights, I don't think all is lost. I'm not saying for her to lose weight or anything, just... I don't know. I don't want to give up. :<

Quote:

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Originally Posted by EuRa

Yeah well if this is true, then I agree. If everyday she's miserable, or even once or twice a week just agonizing over this, I agree.

But if it's only been 1-2 discussions and/or 1-2 fights, I don't think all is lost. I'm not saying for her to lose weight or anything, just... I don't know. I don't want to give up. :<

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I understand where you are coming from, you hope for the best... and we humans never give up as this is part of our nature.

But at my age, I expect the worst, and get surprised if it turns out better than I expected.

Hope is a good thing and we all need it - but don't place any large bets

Wishing All The Best!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

I have the same problem hunny. I gained about 30 lbs after we had our son, and I'm only now (20 months later) starting to do something about it, because like EuRa said, our relationship , sex life in particular, is suffering. It will make the both of us happy, I don't like being overweight anyway. So, I'm going to be the first to suggest: Lose the weigh. You'll be happier too :)

This thread is over two years old. I think the OP has probably resolved this issue.