Ok, 11 months after her splitting up with me, numerous rogue texts professing to be missing me, cancelling trips last minute because she wasn't ready and her then dating someone else for a while, she now wants to meet because I let her know I'm moving away. She is currently single (so she says!)

She is flying over in early November with "no strings".

Im cool with it and am looking forwards to seeing her but nave no pre-conceived ideas about what this means.

Advice on how to proceed is required folks. Bring me in on this one. I guess she wouldn't be coming if she didn't feel something but who knows..

Squonk.

Hi,
You are right about the "don't know what she wants"...
All you can really do is just wait and find out what she wants, why, and talk with her.
Please don't have a lot of preconveived ideas, and let it sway your thinking. She does want to see you, hence flying over to meet you. This could be the start of something really good, if you want it to be, and depending on what she says.
I sincerely do wish you the best, and again, might be the start of something!

Thx Fred

So, do I chill and wait for her to steer things?

I have just had a fun "nothing" text from her, having not heard anything since last Friday. Its funny how I hear nothing for a few days then bam!

Im keeping my feet on the ground, I've been burnt before but this does feel a little different. I think we have both changed a bit which is a good thing.

Fred, can a new relationship come out of the ruins of an old one after time apart?

I think you need to stay open minded and follow your instincts.

Wait until she flys over to see you and see how you read the situation then. Actions always speak louder than words.

If you are meant to be together then things will happen naturally; don't push anything. It could be that the first time you were together wasn't the right time and now could be the right time. Your instincts will steer you in the right direction.

However, You are right to keep your feet firmly on the ground - always best to be a little cautious.

Squonk...

Because ALL you've been through with this gal... be willing to walk away - YOU NEED THAT ATTITUDE NOW!! No more sick puppy/lap dog - don't take anymore of her crap. Have a spine - SHOW HER YOU'VE CAHNGED!!

Be willing and READY to say "Ok, bye"

Hopefully she has changed as well.

She WATS and this gal really needs a MAN that makes her feel safe.

BE A FUN GUY. No pressure. No difficult questions. Just be happy to see her.

Make sure to tease, LISTEN to her, make some fun. Have things

And for th love of god. Do not over communicate.

You seem to get insecire of very minor stuff.

Thx guy's. I feel good about myself. My dignity has returned and I'm far enough removed from the situation to see it for what it really is, and to be honest I'm not bothered. I know what I'm about, if anyone (including my ex) wants a piece of it then come on in. If not then no worries. I feel like I'm in control of the situation and my emotions.

Wildcat, you have have been there from the start on this and you are right, I have been insecure about certain things, mainly because I didn't understand what the frigging hell was going on. Im still a little unsure about how to play her funky behaviour, but I hear what you are saying. Your advice as this unfolds would be helpful. Today I got some idle chat on text for example. How would you play that?

DJ' H, thanks for your support too, I hear what you are saying and value your input. Im cool with slow.

Fire away on the questions.

I know she's long distance, but the test thing kind of sucks. Woman ALWAYS take the written word differently than what we mean. I really think text is bad for business as far as love goes. Too much communication

Answer her questions with more questions - make fun. She'll love you. Never give a straight answer if you can help it. See wha tshe really wants - these aren't games.

YOU are the man - you are the prize. No pedestal for her - she never deserved it. She has to EARN the right to be an equal - especially now - the ladies may not agree - BUT, they know I am right - that's how women want to be treated by a significant other.

You need to work on your inner game dude. Don't make things important. Take it one step at a time.

I can feel that now. I am indeed the prize and I think she knows it. The best bit is I don't care what she thinks anymore.

Im going to keep you in the loop over the next two weeks leading up to the meet so you can see how it unfolds.

Hope you don't mind.

Please do - I don't want to see my boys go through heartache - it's avoidable.

This is a big weekend - you MIGHT be repulsed when you see her? Or she may be the gal for you.

Yeah I know what you mean. Im wondering how I will react when I see her. Obviously I won't let her know what I'm thinking but it will be interesting. Pride may well have a few things to say to my conscience!

Briefly, how did you get back with your ex (what did you do to woo her back) and how long did it take Wildcat?

It's been 11 months since the two of you have split up. There was obviously no real commitment there to begin with and now you're moving away. Enjoy it as a weekend rendez-vous and then think nothing more of it. To quote Willem Dafoe's character (Norman Osborne) from the movie Spiderman , "Do what you need to with your little girlfriend, then broom her fast!" Otherwise, she'll only try to continue manipulating you and playing head games with you, which is what she's doing righ now. You don't want to allow that to happen, so don't open the door for it to happen.

That's horrendous advice. You're trying to make a joke of this? You know nothing about his gu yand his situation and you tell him that. Ridiculous. You're clueless on LD relationships.

Some love that's longer to develop. The have a connection.

My advice - you stop giving advice.

Wildcat, I'm sure you have good intentions but you need some serious lessons on respecting opinions and beliefs that are different from your own. You may not agree with my response and it's certainly your prerogative to disagree but you cannot lash out at people just because they think differently from you. If I lashed out at every poster on this forum that I've disagreed with the way you do, I'd have made many enemies by now and would probably have people beating down my door wanting to kill me this very second. In reality, I know just as much about this guy and his situation as you do, having read the same post as you did. You yourself have responded to many posters warning them about getting too serious and hopeful too fast, and rightly so. Now, obviously you and I are reading the same words but perhaps deciphering different "latent" meanings behind them, or to put it in more colloquial terms, "reading between the lines." She split up with him 11 months ago ; that's almost a year. To say that they "have a connection" is a stretch at best and downright folly at worst. You can't "have a connection" with someone you haven't even seen in almost a year. Now she's flying out to visit him after learning of his plans to relocate and after having dated several other men, with "no strings attached." Now I'm sorry, but it just doesn't sound like this woman's intentions are on the up-and-up. It definitely seems like she's got an ulterior motive here and this guy, I believe, should be warned not to be taken in by it. I've personally experienced and observed these kinds of things too many times before to not be suspicious. Therefore I believe that right now it's in this guy's best interests to just have fun with her while he can, then forget it and move on. Either that, or he should just tell her not to even bother flying out, that he can't see her right now. Your own responses to others on this forum, of which there are many, are always centered around the theme of being "mysterious", "not too available", etc. and in this case yes, that's right on the money. Now I may be mistaken and she may in fact have intentions that are more honorable then they seem. If that's the case then it'll become evident and then I may eventually revise my response to this particular situation. However, right now I feel that he needs to play it cool and keep his guard up. Given the general nature of your responses to other posters on this forum it's rather surprising that you don't agree with me on this one. Regardless, in this day and age, tolerance is not only a virtue but a necessity. You can always disagree with someone but must do so agreeably . Of course, don't confuse tolerance with acceptance. I don't want to turn this into a pissing contest, but when people communicate on an open forum such as this they must have respect for other opinions and beliefs that are not their own. I'm sorry if my original response struck a nerve with you but that'll happen sometimes.

Just a personal experience here: (no not my current situation posted elsewhere on the forum) After me and my ex of 4 and a half years broke up, I felt I needed a change. After about 6 months or so, I decided to move 12 hours away. During this 6 month time, she would NOT talk to me at all. But one day I decided to call her house and her mohter answered (who still talked to me). I told her that I was moving and she told my ex. 10 minutes later my ex called and told me she wanted to see me before I left. We met at a coffee place that day and we spend the entire day together until about 2 in the morning. But in the end, she left crying and nothing came of it. So she may just want to see you one last time. Hopefully for you, a spark will fly again when you see her. I just though I'd share a similar story with you. Good luck!

I've just gone through this entire thread and I have learned quite a bit. Wildcat, you have really come through for Squonk and helped him build some muscle in places where he really needed it, great job! You have been a true guide and advisor, I applaud you Sir W. Squonk, good luck and stay strong. Coming from a woman, don't you dare let her throw you off your game!

Everyone, first off, many thanks for your interest and support. Your kind words of encouragemet or otherwise are truly welcomed and always heeded.

First off, Wildcat, as ever I thank you for your insight. Without doubt I have been the king of all wuss's over the past year and half and thankfully after listening to your advice I'm beginning to appreciate the value of backing off. What's more, having done this I'm beginning to see things in a clearer light and that includes other women! I can now look at other women and think that yes I would like to date you. Additionally, I'm not too bothered about this other chick now which is why I believe (although time will tell) I'm ready to face her. ANd what's more, having listened to your advice I know exactly how to play it.

S-cianci, I hear what you are saying and I thank you for your advice. It is good to be reminded of how volatile this meet could be for me emotionally but I think I'm ready to take it on. As Ive said I expect nothing. Im actually a wealthy guy and I have a great life ahead of me that will be fun, exciting and happy. For me this meet will be me showing her this with "no strings attached" from my perspective too. If she goes away knowing for sure that I am not the one then I am very happy for her. At last I know that if she doesn't come around someone will. So thanks for your advice and I assure you I will be strong.

mattyd22 - thanks for the heads up.

momincali - these are great words. Wildcat has certainly slapped me into shape and rightfully so. At last I'm beginning to get it! :rolleyes: And I promise you that I won't let this chick throw me off my game. To hear you say that makes me feel really good, so thanks again.

Anyway, two weeks to go. I haven't contacted her at all. I get the occasional text but nothing heavy. I did miss an international call two nights ago but there was no message. It may have been her.

So, I'll sit tight and see what happens!

Thx again everybody, I will be back for more advice.

"Without doubt I have been the king of all wuss's over the past year and half and thankfully after listening to your advice im beginning to appreciate the value of backing off." - So true.

Remember - she's LUCKY to be with you. You are the prize. She needs to earn the chance to be your equal (women may get mad at me when I say that - BUT, it's what women want).

Monincali... thanks! Yes Squonk has come a long way.

Squonk... any update? Is she still coming - I ask that because she had seemed to flake on you in the past. Don't put up with any of her crap - ever.

Wildcat, last I heard she was still coming. She has been in contact quite a bit recently but tonight she has gone quiet. Im not chasing, If she wants me she has to come and get me. Im not bothered either way. She needs to get me, not the other other way round.

I think she is now playing hard to get, What do you recommend?

I recommend and not being a Wuss and worrying about it. And you shouldn't start any of the conversatins at this point.

You're a confident guy and are very busy and don't care.

The person who cares the lease has the most power - A very smart lady said that. It's at least acting like you don't care.

There is no wuss here, I promise you that, only a fascination in the physche of this woman. She is one complex chick.

If anything happens between now and then I'll let you know. Im happy doing my own thing. If she wants to check in then that is fine with me.

Good that' the attitude you need with any woman.

Squonk- Good to hear you're holding strong, just stay alert, fascination and danger often play hand in hand and that curiosity can end up being your down fall. Women like this who are hot.. cold.. hot.. cold really seem to do a great job confusing their men only drawing them in closer. Any third party could see that in a relationship like this, the man should keep his distance but for some strange reason its not so obvious to the guy. When a woman conducts herself this way, I think the best thing to do is to behave as cautiously as though she were Medusa herself, remember her from greek mythology? The draw in this complex woman can blind you or worse, turn you into stone. Don't be an average joe, a mere mortal, learn to overcome any hurdles she puts in front of you, whether inadvertent or not, you'll find that you will become more like Perseus, figuratively speaking of course.

Hi Momincali,

Thx for your encouragement. She is indeed a medussa.

What's your take on why she has now gone silent. Is it a manipulation thing or did she get scared? Either way, is silence from me the most effective response? (not that I'm calling her, I just want to know what she will be thinking by me not chasing... )

Squonk, Silence can many times be used as a manipulation but in this instance, I think it a form of avoidance. She has a debate going on within herself, one that she's not real anxious to settle. She may be wondering exactly how much she has to lose and is afraid of making the wrong decision, taking the wrong actions and saying the wrong things. She needs to decide herself, if she does something and shoots herself in the foot, she did it on her own recourse and has no one to blame. On the other hand, if she gets calls and emails from you, she may try and turn it on you and blame you in the end for "smothering her" (that's a classic) to where she couldn't think straight. Stay away from that trap. No words and no actions from you in any aspect are in your best interest. If she comes, have a good time but don't assume anything, assumptions can get us in a position we don't want to be in. Let me ask you something, are you feeling more excited or anxious over her visit? Excitement meaning you're looking forward to it in a big way and anxious meaning that you have some level of excitement but with a little dread and nervousness in the mix. Know where you are mentally, before you see her physically or the party may be over before it even begins.

Momincali - you are the best!! Where were you two years ago when I had a gal like this?? Ughhhhhhhhh! You spelled that out so clearly for him - perfect for him.

The smothering thing is so key. That's why no contact - let her come to you - it works. Women like this need attention - but the nthe over attention pushes them away.

She wants a man - not a guy who is always checking up on her.

I agree - don't expect ANYTHING - keep clear mind. Do not assume anything. WATCH out for her test questions - they are coming - answer her questions with a question or make fun.

Thank You Wildcat- No wonder you're so damn saavy, I guess you've graduated Suma Laude from the school of hardknocks! Good for you, glad that's in your past. Your experience will never leave room for poor choices again! Ahhhh love, ain't it Grand Baby! ;)

Ughhhhhhhhh. I learned so much through the years. I don't want people (mostly guys) make the same dam freaking mistakes. If I can help one guy. (which I have numerous times) I really enjoy helping the guys out - we THINK it's a good idea to be all nice (in a bad way), buy things, over commuicate etc. is the right way - nope - women get freaked out - too much pressure AND many feel they don't deserve it. Heartache IS avoidable - you may not completely be happy, but WHEN you know what's going on, you avoid the heartache and actually realize that person probably was not even close to being right for you.

Guys don't study this stuff. Women do.

Squank - did this gal at time, when you were in contact, say she was seeing someone else? Just curious. Seen this before and half the time it's a lie.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by momincali

Squonk, Silence can many times be used as a manipulation but in this instance, I think it a form of avoidance. She has a debate going on within herself, one that she's not real anxious to settle. She may be wondering exactly how much she has to lose and is afraid of making the wrong decision, taking the wrong actions and saying the wrong things. She needs to decide herself, if she does something and shoots herself in the foot, she did it on her own recourse and has no one to blame. On the other hand, if she gets calls and emails from you, she may try and turn it on you and blame you in the end for "smothering her" (that's a classic) to where she couldn't think straight. Stay away from that trap. No words and no actions from you in any aspect are in your best interest. If she comes, have a good time but don't assume anything, assumptions can get us in a position we don't want to be in. Let me ask you something, are you feeling more excited or anxious over her visit? Excitement meaning you're looking forward to it in a big way and anxious meaning that you have some level of excitement but with a little dread and nervousness in the mix. Know where you are mentally, before you see her physically or the party may be over before it even begins.

---

Wow, this is GREAT insight! I never really thought of "the silent treatment" as a form of manipulation. My EX is doing the same thing to me right now, but DO NOT let her win. I think she wants you to call and pine over her constantly, but if you do you give her all the power back. I haven't spoken to my EX in about 3 weeks, and I know she is probably wondering why I am not calling her, but you cant! You have to let her come to you when she is ready, and if you push it she will run again. I have learned so much about women from this site, and a lot of it has been pretty disheartening to say the least. Good luck with your EX, just keep doing what you are doing and if she wants you back, she will make the effort.

"I have learned so much about women from this site, and alot of it has been pretty disheartening to say the least." WHYYYYYYY? Disheartening?? WHAY?? You want to be a whimp and Wuss your whole life and let women walk al lover you?? Tell how that works for you.

YOU HAVE TO CHANGE and you will be much

Folks, sorry I haven't checked in for a while. For some reason I wasn't notified when you all posted so I assumed no one was posting.

Momincali - Wow! Thx so much for your insight. I need to keep reading that post.

Anyway, it is now the day after the weekend, and what a weekend!

Im not going to post any detail here because I need time to reflect on what has happened. Needless to say it was a very "healthy" weekend. Emotionally charged, fun, calm, mature and happy.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now which is why I need time to reflect. It is not a numb feeling but more like a nothing feeling.

I think I conducted myself well. She wants to seem me again "soon" and tells me that I'm in her heart.

Give me a couple of days to think things through.

One very important question that I do need answers for though is how do I play it over the next few days? I want to pull back a little and have time to reflect. Should I carry on letting her come to me as feels normal or should I encourage her a little?

Thx folks

I would wait a couple days - one it makes her think about you. Plus, your over attention last time killed her attraction for you. Plus, it sounds like you need some time to decide how to proceed - sometimes when people come back we decide we don't want them anymore.

I'd CALL her Wednesday.

Like to herthe details.

No strings? What does that mean? Then why bother with it anymore.

Squank... are ready to let us know what happened?

Hello Folks,

Im not sure I can go into detail re the weekend so I'll bullet point the main points for ease.

- without doubt she has changed. I think she had a breakdown in April and has been recovering since then
- there was no intimacy and it was not even brought up by either of us
- she apologised for her weird behaviour when we were together but said that at the time she didn't know how to deal with things then
- she says she has slept with some other guys but I'm not sure whether to believe this or not. I didn't ask this she offered it up.
- she says she does not shag around!
- she wanted to know about my private life especially if I had slept with a girl that I had mentioned. I told her it was none of her business. She said that she could ask. I told her I hadn't.
- we hugged now and again
- I asked her why she had come and she said that because I was in her heart, I was different, I was special.
- she said that she had some way to go in her healing process but her therapy is working despite it being difficult.
- we had a really good time together, relaxed, fun, easy, spontaneous
- I didn't ask any relationship questions
- she said that she went on a blind date last week and that he was a nice guy
- I teased her and remained aloof but fun and interesting.
- she asked me to stay in contact with her while I was away. I told her that it would be difficult especially if she was seeing other guys
- she wants to come and see me at xmas but that has now changed to easter but for genuine reasons. I said I would let her know.
- she said that I had changed
- when I took her to the airport she was not wanting to go. We held each other and she said that we would see each other again soon. I gave her a gentle kiss and she told me I was in her heart.

Since then I have had many text messages. The first said that she had had a lovely time and really enjoyed herself.

She contacts me via text mainly, and email. We have spoken once. I don't contact her unless to reply to her. I am remaining friendly, cool, and supportive. There is nothing heavy from me at all. It's a bit like how we first behaved when we first met but not as intense. One thing is for sure, despite all her problems I do adore her very much but know that my life is what is important - and without doubt she knows it.

So, what's the verdict folks? Sitting here now I miss her so very much but she has no idea that I feel this way. I also can see that despite the "healing" thing she is enjoying her life.

Most importantly what should I do now?

Ta

I don't know dude.

To get right down to it - ask her what SHE wants. Quit letting her string you along. If she wants nothing more than a friendship - move on. I don't normally say this, but ask her - get clarification now - you need closure in this - but call her up.

It seems to me from what you said you were more like friends until maybe the end, and it was too late.

How do you feel about her? Are you still attracted to her? Sexually?

I don't normally say this but, you need to either move way forward or end this. You guys have history - tell her in no uncertain terms what you want AFTER she tells you. If she onlt wants to be friends - say "Ok, Bye" and move on.

No more head games.

To be honest, I think all she wants at the moment is friendship. I think she has strong feelings for me but they are not strong enough for her to want more. This may be because she is not ready for anything heavy and just wants to take her time and see what else there is out there. Also I think she is trying to address her issues and doesn't want anything to throw her off her path of recovery etc.

She is without doubt a different person. In a better way. More appreciative. Empathy is beginning to sneek into her attitude which she never had. She was so insecure that her rowdy selfishness ruled her life.

Im going away for the winter in two weeks and will continue to build my life. She knows what I want from her. I will continue to be there as and when she clocks in but if I meet someone new then that is fine with me. My appetite is back again and moving on will not be an issue.

I have given myself time following our weekend together. At first it was very confusing but now I feel OK about things. You need time to reflect. I can now see the "person" that has made my life so difficult and I'm not being blinkered by "love".

She continues to contact me everyday and I just reply as and when.

I'll keep you up to date of any changes.