Ladies and Gents,

Ok here's the lowdown. I dated a girl for two years. We lived together and we had a great relationship for the first year. Then she went on a family trip with the women of her family a couple weeks after our one year anniversary. During that trip she met some guy who she spent all her time with and took loads of pictures with :( . Upon returning I could sense a disturbance in her and got it out of her that she "felt" something for him. She said she never cheated though (unverified, no evidence). I stayed with her because she insisted she loved me. Thus began the gradual deterioration of our once great "love". We moved in together into a nice house a couple months later (I know I'm foolish but love is blinding). She got into a big car accident and lost her vehicle. I had to drive her around for six months because of it. Our relationship grew in proximity, (i.e. families became intertwined, talking about kids, thinking of the future) but for some reason it wasn't "right". I was very much in love with her since I've never had more fun with anyone in my life but after a month of living together and driving together we began having spats, and really vicious arguments. All of our previous arguments where random and about absurdities. I felt these arguments where caused by an adjustment to living together. I began to feel like I couldn't trust her (the thought of the trip began to take it's toll). I am by nature a paranoid person but can mostly hold it in. She had started a new job since the move and wouldn't shut up about how great her boss was. He was single and I could tell he was into her (gifts, compliments, disliked me). She also bought a car This only added to my already increasing tension. We had worse arguments. I eventually grew to accuse her when she started to act stranger and stranger. Then about 1.5 years into our relationship I got injured. My back went out terribly. I had never had an injury with this severity before. I needed someone to help me even eat. My distrust of her prompted me to ask her if she'd be there for me. She told me she had been trying to be there and asking her just showed how I didn't trust her so she insisted on taking a "break". I didn't eat for a few days as no one could help whilst she watched during this "break". I gradually turned to alcohol as my only source of comfort while she was out every night with her friends. She even kicked me out when I was able to walk again saying that a night away from me would do us well (!). Anyway I healed and she invariably came back to me go figure. Mind you this wasn't the first time she contemplated breaking up with me, although in the past it had been a much more quick turn around time. I had already become an alcoholic though. I started drinking every night. I still loved her though because I felt like I had been a jerk and she had good reason to leave me. I have terrible mood swings and can be difficult to live with. All in all we tried again for a few months. Then one afternoon she said she would meet me at home for a night together. I left work early as we agreed and when I got home she wasn't there. I called her a few times to no avail. She did not answer. She then eventually got home after a couple hours and told me she had been out with her boss. This seemed like a big red flag to me so I accused her of cheating on me. We fought I left. I came back drunk as hell and we continued fighting. It lead to me breaking a lamp and then we she uttered those words. It's over. Whew that was as short as I could get it. Now I think the blame in breaking up is 60% my fault 40% hers.

Now 5 months have passed. I've quit drinking, smoking, I'm working my arse off, moving forwards in my career, have become a health nut, and I'm lifting weights. Sadly, I'm all alone, working too hard and I haven't dated but once. Then I'm working really hard one Saturday and low and behold she emails me to ask how I'm doing. I hadn't heard from her since the nasty break up mind you. Since that initial email we have sent a few emails back and forth. When I told her I was doing well and that she had inspired me to change she wrote back telling me that she is working out as well has her own house with a freaking pool and is "loving life" in bold letters. She also said she is single (pfft that is temporary). She keeps emailing me like every five days or so with some lighthearted banter. Today (which is why I'm writing this) she is going to a major music event with one of my favorite musicians and she wrote me saying "you're not going to believe this but...". I'm no simpleton. It seems like a pissing contest to me. When she did ask me how I was and I responded she was like well that's good (surprised I'm sure) and then was went on for like 5 paragraphs about how great she has it. I mean she gave me her health itinerary for pete's sake. Sad thing is I think I may still have feelings for her. Girl is bloody brilliant. In any case I can't fully grasp why she is contacting me like this. Understand I've been very polite saying "way to go!" and "you go girl" type statements. I want to be nice to her and at the least friendly. But it seems like she is effing with my head, as all women do to us simple men. I think I'm being too nice now and I'm moving towards the "girl-friend who's a guy" stage. I'm no punk. What do I do? I think I might want to try and get her back. I'm a challenge whore. What is in effect here? Is she purposefully attempting to torture me by saying look at what you don't have now? Is she trying to get a feel for me again? Does she want to feel better about herself? Does she want to verify that I don't hate her anymore. I've been as sly as "I" can be. I'm somewhat scarce. I don't email her right away (several days later) and I haven't said I want you back, nor I have expressed ANY interest in seeing her again. But today's email rocked me. This is the second time she contacts me on a Friday and she had responded to an email where I beautifully described how to not worry about aging with a "that's nice, guess where I'm going bub!". Any replies would be greatly appreciated.

You are still hurt and bitter. Tell her to stop emailing you.

From where I'm sitting she is trying to get the wrds out ov your mouth or words on paper, so shall we meet an go for a coffee, she wants to know if you still have feelings for her, that's why she wrote to u... showing her self in a new light so you think she is all she was when you first met, making you think the thoughts ov how much you loved her... don't fall for it mate, she will ask you eventually, an I hope you find the strenth to say NO

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You are still hurt and bitter. Tell her to stop emailing you.

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Homegirl I appreciate your comment. I'm not bitter, more like envious that she has it so well without me (My male ego is hurt). I also miss her. I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I'm alone all the time as well which is irritating because I have no buddy in this town to punch me in the arm and label me a head case. I may still be hurt but I think I am strong enough now, having conquered what I have, where I can forgive. I'm not bitter though. I think I deserved to be broken up with, and she may have saved my life, inadvertently.

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Originally Posted by chukieanbride

from where im sitting she is trying to get the wrds out ov your mouth or words on paper, so shall we meet an go for a coffee, she wants to know if u still have feelings for her, thats why she wrote to u..... showing her self in a new light so u think she is all she was when u first met, making u think the thoughts ov how much u loved her..... dont fall for it mate, she will ask u eventualy, an i hope u find the strenth to say NO

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Why do you gather I should say no? Thanks for your comment.

Is it too long is that it?

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Ladies and Gents,

Ok here's the lowdown. I dated a girl for two years. We lived together and we had a great relationship for the first year. Then she went on a family trip with the women of her family a couple weeks after our one year anniversary. During that trip she met some guy who she spent all her time with and took loads of pictures with :( . Upon returning I could sense a disturbance in her and got it out of her that she "felt" something for him. She said she never cheated though (unverified, no evidence). I stayed with her because she insisted she loved me. Thus began the gradual deterioration of our once great "love". We moved in together into a nice house a couple months later (i know im foolish but love is blinding). She got into a big car accident and lost her vehicle. I had to drive her around for six months because of it. Our relationship grew in proximity, (i.e. families became intertwined, talking about kids, thinking of the future) but for some reason it wasn't "right". I was very much in love with her since I've never had more fun with anyone in my life but after a month of living together and driving together we began having spats, and really vicious arguments. All of our previous arguments where random and about absurdities. I felt these arguments where caused by an adjustment to living together. I began to feel like I couldn't trust her (the thought of the trip began to take it's toll). I am by nature a paranoid person but can mostly hold it in. She had started a new job since the move and wouldn't shut up about how great her boss was. He was single and I could tell he was into her (gifts, compliments, disliked me). She also bought a car This only added to my already increasing tension. We had worse arguments. I eventually grew to accuse her when she started to act stranger and stranger. Then about 1.5 years into our relationship I got injured. My back went out terribly. I had never had an injury with this severity before. I needed someone to help me even eat. My distrust of her prompted me to ask her if she'd be there for me. She told me she had been trying to be there and asking her just showed how I didn't trust her so she insisted on taking a "break". I didn't eat for a few days as no one could help whilst she watched during this "break". I gradually turned to alcohol as my only source of comfort while she was out every night with her friends. She even kicked me out when I was able to walk again saying that a night away from me would do us well (!). Anyways i healed and she invariably came back to me go figure. Mind you this wasn't the first time she contemplated breaking up with me, although in the past it had been a much quicker turn around time. I had already become an alcoholic though. I started drinking every night. I still loved her though because I felt like i had been a jerk and she had good reason to leave me. I have terrible mood swings and can be difficult to live with. All in all we tried again for a few months. Then one afternoon she said she would meet me at home for a night together. I left work early as we agreed and when I got home she wasn't there. I called her a few times to no avail. She did not answer. She then eventually got home after a couple hours and told me she had been out with her boss. This seemed like a big red flag to me so I accused her of cheating on me. we fought I left. I came back drunk as hell and we continued fighting. It lead to me breaking a lamp and then we she uttered those words. It's over. Whew that was as short as I could get it. Now I think the blame in breaking up is 60% my fault 40% hers.

Now 5 months have passed. I've quit drinking, smoking, I'm working my arse off, moving fowards in my career, have become a health nut, and I'm lifting weights. Sadly, I'm all alone, working too hard and I haven't dated but once. Then I'm working really hard one Saturday and low and behold she emails me to ask how i'm doing. I hadn't heard from her since the nasty break up mind you. Since that initial email we have sent a few emails back and forth. When I told her i was doing well and that she had inspired me to change she wrote back telling me that she is working out as well has her own house with a freaking pool and is "loving life" in bold letters. She also said she is single (pfft that is temporary). She keeps emailing me like every five days or so with some lighthearted banter. Today (which is why I'm writing this) she is going to a major music event with one of my favorite musicians and she wrote me saying "you're not going to believe this but...". I'm no simpleton. It seems like a pissing contest to me. When she did ask me how I was and I responded she was like well that's good (surprised I'm sure) and then was went on for like 5 paragraphs about how great she has it. I mean she gave me her health itinerary for pete's sake. Sad thing is I think I may still have feelings for her. Girl is bloody brilliant. In any case I can't fully grasp why she is contacting me like this. Understand I've been very polite saying "way to go!" and "you go girl" type statements. I want to be nice to her and at the least friendly. But it seems like she is effing with my head, as all women do to us simple men. I think I'm being too nice now and I'm moving towards the "girl-friend who's a guy" stage. I'm no punk. what do I do? I think I might want to try and get her back. I'm a challenge whore. What is in effect here? Is she purposefully attempting to torture me by saying look at what you don't have now? Is she trying to get a feel for me again? Does she want to feel better about herself? Does she want to verify that I don't hate her anymore. I've been as sly as "I" can be. I'm somewhat scarce. I don't email her right away (several days later) and I haven't said I want you back, nor I have expressed ANY interest in seeing her again. But today's email rocked me. this is the second time she contacts me on a Friday and she had responded to an email where I beautifully described how to not worry about aging with a "that's nice, guess where I'm going bub!". Any replies would be greatly appreciated.

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"She then went on a family trip with the women of her family"

Rest assured the "women of her family" had been well informed about your relationship as well as the 1 year anniversary prior to "the trip." It sounds like you had every right to feel paranoid. You went through a lot but now your on your feet and moving ahead so don't gum it up, stay clear of her and the "women of her family." Besy wishes.

I think she likes you as a friend but senses you have self-confidence issues.

She is kind of right.

Look for a woman you can be yourself with... she is not that girl. If you could date her casually, she would probably do it, but as a life partners you all are not a good match. She thinks you are a bit insecure... But again, she does like you. But wants her freedom still. I cannot predict the future, but right now she is testing the waters but is not 100% sure... which is normal.

Ruling: Move on. And have her as a friend when you can handle it being finite.
Do not dream of long weekends in bed and long conversations by the pool, and
At cafes... Not now anyway. You too seem to make each other uneasy. Also, if you have a drinking issue, I would consider easing back on it. It makes you angry apparently.

Thanks you two for your comments,

Statictable, thanks for the kind words.

Ash123, I quit drinking that's not an issue anymore. In all actuality I'm looking for strictly casual dating. My responsibilities nowadays are way farther advanced than they were 7 months ago. I'm the lead on construction projects and the like. I can't fathom having a whole long weekend spent talking but would like a night here and there of casual dating. I've evolved into being highly independent. Why do you think I have self-confidence issues? I've actually been told I'm too arrogant at times. I'm working hard at changing that still.

Arrogance belies insecurity.

And well, you are insecure... It's OK. Everyone is to some degree. But yes, it's all over your posts. You have a lot of angst about your status vis a vis others. And you are NOT comfortable with what other men may do to your significant other. You do not feel - especially with your ex- on firm ground... Embrace that fact and be vulnerable but be yourself - and loves will be a lot richer with the right person. Perhaps your family life or your childhood left you feeling a bit unsure. Only you know.

If you do date her again, maybe you can show her this... just know that you two may not be a match made in heaven... but at the end of the day, it's your call.

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Originally Posted by Ash123

Arrogance belies insecurity.

And well, you are insecure....It's all over your posts. You have a lot of angst about your status vis a vis others......Embrace that fact and be vulnerable and modest and giving and your life and loves will be a lot richer. perhaps your family life or your childhood left you feeling a bit unsure. it's ok.

if you do date her again, maybe you can show her this....just know that you two may not be a match made in heaven....but at the end of the day, it's your call.

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You make a good point about the arrogance bit. I am working on it. I have taken a life of volunteering and being nicer to people nowadays. It's what takes precedence. I realized I wasn't giving back and I was arrogant and damn near fickle. I wish it was my call. One thing is for sure, I value virtue more than alleviating loneliness so I won't do it the soft way this time. Cheers.

Relax. When you are yourself and like yourself, you can be with someone else.

A quest for perfection only exists in an insecure mind... a secure mind sees perfection every day... already.

Good luck!

Thanks. That statement has great depth. I appreciate it. The only question I have is what do I do now? Do I remain aloof and distant or do I become the bird of prey and attempt to get her back? I guess I'd like to at least see where it leads.

Well, you could tell her how you feel and get it over with.

Examples:
You want to go to dinner...
You want to get closure.
You can be friends one day when you are ready... etc.

Be vulnerable. If she shoots you down you are already 5 months in practice in being without her... clearly, moving on is not working...

BEWARE: if you two are not right for each other, you are wasting precious time if you try to date. And it will take time to start again... again, your call... that's the point of relationships. You can only do them yourself - that's what makes them so great - and scary. If she's still torturing you, stay back though. And start fresh elsewhere.

Darn it Ash, you and your logic. It makes too much sense. Telling her directly would be the easy way. I wouldn't say it wasn't working when I was alone, I was doing quite well for myself and I was getting close to stability, I had even accepted her loss and got rid of all her stuff and planned for my single future. Yet she contacted me and "flush" there it goes. Hmm what to do what to do. To be honest a rejection from her might be heart breaking. She did say that she was still mad at me but was trying to focus on the good points of our relationship in her second email. I think she needs more time. In any case this is really tough. I appreciate all your help.

Part 1 of 2


I read about half this and immediately saw the guilt trip the young tramp you call your ex was laying on you. I needed to read no more but you shall receive the full Chuffing.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Ladies and Gents,

Ok here's the lowdown. I dated a girl for two years. We lived together and we had a great relationship for the first year. Then she went on a family trip with the women of her family a couple weeks after our one year anniversary. During that trip she met some guy who she spent all her time with and took loads of pictures with :( .

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I think she did more then take pictures. My big clue is this was supposedly a family outing so why didn’t she spend it with them and not hanging out with this guy. It’s been said that when a woman feels attraction for a guy she will do anything to spend time with him even at the expense of her own family or friends that tell her otherwise, and we don’t even know if her family was telling her otherwise.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Upon returning I could sense a disturbance in her and got it out of her that she "felt" something for him. She said she never cheated though (unverified, no evidence).

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She emotionally cheated. Verified, admitted, and plenty of evidence.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I stayed with her because she insisted she loved me.

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I would put it like this. She may have but she knew at this point the relationship was over and began letting herself down naturally so that when the break up came she wouldn’t have to deal with the sting of the loss.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Thus began the gradual deterioration of our once great "love".

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Or you could put it like that.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

We moved in together into a nice house a couple months later (i know im foolish but love is blinding).

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You ain’t lying there.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

She got into a big car accident and lost her vehicle. I had to drive her around for six months because of it. Our relationship grew in proximity, (i.e. families became intertwined, talking about kids, thinking of the future)

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Never trust what the families are saying. Hell she went on a family vacation and spent it …ah hem “taking photos” with some guy she admits to having feelings for but neglected to admit cheating with.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

but for some reason it wasn't "right".

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Because she had left. Women leave emotionally before they ever leave physically.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I was very much in love with her since I've never had more fun with anyone in my life but after a month of living together and driving together we began having spats, and really vicious arguments. All of our previous arguments where random and about absurdities. I felt these arguments where caused by an adjustment to living together. I began to feel like I couldn't trust her (the thought of the trip began to take it's toll).

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Finally, you feelings got caught up with reality.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I am by nature a paranoid person but can mostly hold it in.

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You can’t hold your paranoia in against a woman’s emotional radar detector. They read, understand, and use emotions 100 times better then men, and they know if your paranoid and how you react in certain situations.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

She had started a new job since the move and wouldn't shut up about how great her boss was. He was single and I could tell he was into her (gifts, compliments, disliked me).

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Let’s assume she wasn’t into him. She sure doesn’t come off as a great catch by not putting her foot down and demanding he stop with the gifts, compliments, and put downs. But she had no respect for herself, you, or the relationship so she never did. That says a lot about her character, not that I saw a lot to begin with.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

She also bought a car This only added to my already increasing tension. We had worse arguments. I eventually grew to accuse her when she started to act stranger and stranger. Then about 1.5 years into our relationship I got injured. My back went out terribly. I had never had an injury with this severity before. I needed someone to help me even eat. My distrust of her prompted me to ask her if she'd be there for me. She told me she had been trying to be there and asking her just showed how I didn't trust her so she insisted on taking a "break".

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First of all reread that and tell me you can do a good job hiding your paranoia. I don’t buy it and I’m not even female.

Second, it sure says a lot about her character……….who we kidding she has none, but it says something about her that she won’t help you eat and picks the time you really can’t do anything to hit you up with that. She knew this was coming months ago but only when you down and out does she stick the knife in you.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I didn't eat for a few days as no one could help whilst she watched during this "break". I gradually turned to alcohol as my only source of comfort while she was out every night with her friends.

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She left you long before she left you.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

She even kicked me out when I was able to walk again saying that a night away from me would do us well (!).

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Do you pay rent here? That’s your damn house too so if she wants to hook up with photo boy or her boss or some dude she met at the bar tell her to get a hotel.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Anyways i healed and she invariably came back to me go figure. Mind you this wasn't the first time she contemplated breaking up with me, although in the past it had been a much quicker turn around time. I had already become an alcoholic though. I started drinking every night. I still loved her though because I felt like i had been a jerk and she had good reason to leave me.

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Ahhh………….are we talking about the same bottom feeding skank who did everything else you describe in this very post? I’ll tell you exactly how good a manipulator she is. She’s got you thinking you were the jerk while she tells a guy that can’t feed himself to go to hell. Seriously, that’s emotional abuse and she’s the one giving it. Screw her.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I have terrible mood swings and can be difficult to live with.

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She’s such an angel herself.

Part 2 of 2

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

All in all we tried again for a few months. Then one afternoon she said she would meet me at home for a night together. I left work early as we agreed and when I got home she wasn't there. I called her a few times to no avail. She did not answer. She then eventually got home after a couple hours and told me she had been out with her boss. This seemed like a big red flag

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Sounds like a big red flag to me too.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

to me so I accused her of cheating on me. we fought I left. I came back drunk as hell and we continued fighting. It lead to me breaking a lamp and then we she uttered those words. It's over. Whew that was as short as I could get it. Now I think the blame in breaking up is 60% my fault 40% hers.

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Again, are you dating several women or just the one your describing here? What am I missing? Are you perfect? Far from it. But for all you mood swings and reliance on alcohol I certainly don't question you love or loyalty to her, and I don't even trust her character as it relates to telling anybody the truth about anything.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Now 5 months have passed. I've quit drinking, smoking, I'm working my arse off, moving fowards in my career, have become a health nut, and I'm lifting weights. Sadly, I'm all alone, working too hard and I haven't dated but once. Then I'm working really hard one Saturday and low and behold she emails me to ask how i'm doing. I hadn't heard from her since the nasty break up mind you. Since that initial email we have sent a few emails back and forth. When I told her i was doing well and that she had inspired me to change she wrote back telling me that she is working out as well has her own house with a freaking pool and is "loving life" in bold letters.

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.
Oh the emotional games continue. She's loving life so much that she started emailing you to rub it in. This woman is extremely cruel and she feels so low about herself that the only way she can build herself up is at the expense of others pain and misery most of the time which she guides them towards.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

She also said she is single (pfft that is temporary).

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A. What does pfft mean?
B. She's single now huh. So the guy she left you for dropped her when he didn't want to put up with her stupid games. Interesting. But who would put up with her stupid games? Why the ex of course and she just happened to have his email address.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

She keeps emailing me like every five days or so with some lighthearted banter. Today (which is why I'm writing this) she is going to a major music event with one of my favorite musicians and she wrote me saying "you're not going to believe this but...". I'm no simpleton. It seems like a pissing contest to me. When she did ask me how I was and I responded she was like well that's good (surprised I'm sure) and then was went on for like 5 paragraphs about how great she has it.

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As God is my witness, I read none of what you just wrote before I wrote what I wrote prior to this. She's a loser. She's a loser in every sense of the word. I see homeless people everyday who have more character and compassion then her. She's a user, a liar, and a cheat.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I mean she gave me her health itinerary for pete's sake. Sad thing is I think I may still have feelings for her. Girl is bloody brilliant.

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She's good but she ain't brilliant. Everybody sees right through her including you. That isn't brilliant, that's not even good, it's just average.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

In any case I can't fully grasp why she is contacting me like this.

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It didn't work out with the other guy.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Understand I've been very polite saying "way to go!" and "you go girl" type statements.

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That a boy. This is the best thing you could do besides ignore her. By showing support your only showing her she didn't hurt you as bad as she thought she did.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I want to be nice to her and at the least friendly.

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No. No I really don't think you do.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

But it seems like she is effing with my head,

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She is.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

as all women do to us simple men.

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Amen to that brother. Men can't understand the emotional mind of a woman and when we act emotional to appease them we get killed every time.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I think I'm being too nice now and I'm moving towards the "girl-friend who's a guy" stage. I'm no punk. what do I do?

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Quit talking to her.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I think I might want to try and get her back.

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No. No I don't think you do. Why would you want to be with a cheating skank who won't even feed you when you can't eat?

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I'm a challenge whore.

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While I suppose that's better then being a whore that accepts gifts, compliments, and opening lets people insult there boyfriends. You know any whores like that?

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

What is in effect here? Is she purposefully attempting to torture me by saying look at what you don't have now?

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Yes and on top of it she's trying to bring you back because she thinks you're the punk you say your not and she needs to replace the guy she left you for.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Is she trying to get a feel for me again?

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As a temp.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Does she want to feel better about herself?

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Yeah but you can't help her with that. Professional help is the way for her to go, and I'm not being sarcastic. She has a lot of mental and emotional problems.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Does she want to verify that I don't hate her anymore.

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She could care less, well maybe not less then when she dumped you for her boss or whoever the other guy was at the very moment you couldn't even move. I'd say that was certainly a low point for her, but in her defense she does have a lot of low points to draw from.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I've been as sly as "I" can be. I'm somewhat scarce. I don't email her right away (several days later) and I haven't said I want you back, nor I have expressed ANY interest in seeing her again. But today's email rocked me. this is the second time she contacts me on a Friday and she had responded to an email where I beautifully described how to not worry about aging with a "that's nice, guess where I'm going bub!". Any replies would be greatly appreciated.

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Why reply at all? This is a game to her so any reply plays into her game. That being said, here's a few I came up with at the top of my head,

A. I don't know but let me know so I can warn them your coming.
B. Not far enough.
C. Hopefully far.
D. Ignore her question all together and answer with something stupid like the year Utah became a state and the copy and past a bunch of information about Utah.
E. Wherever it is, will you be bothering me from there?
F. I don't know, but I eagerly await your answer as I just can't get enough information about where your going.
G. To get a new job where your pay will be based on your work performance not you performance.

I could do this all night but I'm really exhausted. I think you'll find it entertaining to come up with some your own and probably some that can hit a little harder then I can provide.

Here's the overall verdict. You've come to far to take steps backwards now. She's beneath you. She's beneath dirt. I think your remember the good times and perhaps feeling lonely and it's confusing your judgement but this is not the girl for you. This really isn't the girl for anybody that seeks loyalty, stability, honesty, or just some common decency.

Wow Chuff, many great insights. You've frightened me back into logic.

"While I suppose that's better then being a whore that accepts gifts, compliments, and opening lets people insult there boyfriends. You know any whores like that?"

I laughed at this statement, your wit alongside your logic have some potent healing power my good man. If I laughed that must mean somewhere inside of me something recognizes her bull. The other great statement was simple yet for some strange reason unrealized. Her family did see her with this guy and rather than telling her that she should pull back from him they did nothing. So now not only do I feel general lack of trust for her but for all the women in her family. Hmm, perhaps I did the right thing by guarding myself. I appreciate being chuffed.

I'm not going after her it's not worth the risk.

The PFFT is a lack of belief that she won't start dating anyone if I leave her alone for another 30 days. I didn't say this but we took a break when we initially started going out of a few months. We dated for three weeks and broke up for 2 months and she dated in that timespan. She had told me she loved me two weeks after dating me. I really am starting to piece it all back together on why I never came crawling back. I had the mental fortitude then to say well if you want it to be over then peace. I remember now why. Thanks Chuff.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Wow Chuff, many great insights.

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Spread the word.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

You've frightened me back into logic.

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Welcome back.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

"While I suppose that’s better then being a whore that accepts gifts, compliments, and opening lets people insult there boyfriends. You know any whores like that?"

I laughed at this statement, your wit alongside your logic have some potent healing power my good man.

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You know upon second reading I too got a good laugh at that. Most important we both got a good laugh at her expense.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

If I laughed that must mean somewhere inside of me something recognizes her bull.

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I don't think it's that far below the surface. I think you just need some back up from somebody with no emotional attachment to confirm it.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

The other great statement was simple yet for some strange reason unrealized. Her family did see her with this guy and rather than telling her that she should pull back from him they did nothing. So now not only do I feel general lack of trust for her but for all the women in her family. Hmm, perhaps I did the right thing by guarding myself.

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I'd say so, and I'd add to continue guarding yourself.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I appreciate being chuffed.

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Your never really the same afterwards. It's like entering a whole new dimension of greatness.

Well, you've been psychanalyzed... had your Ex's faults spot-lit... and had a chance to make a decision once and for all. Sounds like you made one. Now stick with it and with: your new life and growing self.

Peace and good luck.

Thanks y'all, you've been wonderful. Ash thanks for making me aware that happiness lies within and chasing perfection will always be a chase. And Chuff well thanks for the mental correction. Take care.

Wow. Good for you for making those changes; the things you listed are not easy, so my hat goes off to you.

I'm very impressed! And I'm double impressed that you have responded to her emails without giving her what most ex's would want (aka to show you're a little lost without her).

People get pretty startled when their ex lives despite them. That is, it's hard to imagine that a man who was once drinking, smoking, and being paranoid over a girl, is now in great shape, moving forward with work, and isn't responding to emails in a frenzy.

And believe me: a girl who contacts her ex and then writes five paragraphs to him about how great she is doing, is actually only saying all that sh*t so that her ex can validate it for her.

Lol! She actually bolded her words in the email, in regards to life being good? Who does that? If life is so good, she wouldn't feel the need to prove that or to yell that to you on paper. It's as if she needs to fool herself, or she needs someone to tell her "yes dear, you are doing soooo great! You rock, you are the Queen, you're...etc".

Tell me, if things were going so great, why did she go back to the past and contact you?
Please don't allow yourself to be used. You've grown as a person and you have made the right decisions so far. And you need to continue with this. Going back to an ex who didn't really care when you had an injury or when you couldn't feed yourself…that's a huge step back from the healthy road you're on.

Unless she begs or starts being honest, don't put too much thought into emails that mess with your head.

Sad soul, I must say I agree with you. She is either frustrated with life, therefore venting her frustration by attempting to torture me, or she realized that the guys out there aren't me. I needed a good nights rest after I wrote this post to digest everything. My composure is back. She's so blatantly transparent her attractiveness to me has been reduced to a physical one. I feel for her though. I'm not saying I don't care. I'm glad I made nice with her. She was a good learning experience and taught me much. I'd like to say she was there for me but she never really was. Though she did make me realize that I have to take life and challenges by the horns. My changes where due to realization that I have to have peace with myself. Thanks for the thoughts. I have my sword and shield again.

Okay, so I know this is really weird but... I left a guy I was dating for 2.5 yrs to get with my sons father again, and my life with him is great now, but when I first left the boyfriend I still thought about him, and would call him, I still had feelings for him, and although I was in a new relationship and happy I secretly wanted him to be "avaliable" JUST In case things didn't work out for me. I know SELFISH! But I am sure that's her way of finding out if your waiting on her and that your life can't go on without her!:mad:
I have done a lot of growing up though, and now we talk he is in a relationship and Extremely happy, I would say happier than when we were together, and I hope and pray that you will find that someone special, then just let her know how much better you have it;)
Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Her family did see her with this guy and rather than telling her that she should pull back from him they did nothing. So now not only do I feel general lack of trust for her but for all the women in her family.

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It could be that they have known her a lot longer than you and realize that she does what she wants to do.

So they have learned to not give her advice because they know she will do the opposite, and they already get the same BS that you got.

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Originally Posted by dollface_93

Okay, so I know this is really weird but... I left a guy I was dating for 2.5 yrs to get with my sons father again, and my life with him is great now, but when I first left the boyfriend I still thought about him, and would call him, I still had feelings for him, and although I was in a new relationship and happy I secretly wanted him to be "avaliable" JUST INCASE things didn't work out for me. I know SELFISH!! But I am sure thats her way of finding out if your waiting on her and that your life can't go on without her!:mad:
I have done alot of growing up though, and now we talk he is in a relationship and EXTREMLY happy, I would say happier than when we were together, and I hope and pray that you will find that someone special, then just let her know how much better you have it;)
Good Luck!

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First of all, it's not weird. It's great you both are happy now. It was for the best after all. I only hope fate is as kind to me. It makes sense what you're saying and in all honestly it really has dawned on me that this parallels my situation. When we broke up she did come to me once, weak, saying she could never live without me. This was a week after the break up. She wanted me to say the same thing but I didn't. Fast forward to now, it's the same situation. She wants me to tell her I want her back and beg. I can't do that, I don't think anyone should have to beg like that. She wants to feel like she is the best thing that happened to me and I'm miserable without her. I think I shocked her when I told her how much I had changed. My only conundrum is how to presently respond. I'm still debating on whether to be forward and tell her that her actions are transparent and she is blatantly imposing passive aggressive notions on me. Or whether I should tell her I'd like to be friends but she has to get over her anger towards me. Or whether I should continue the lighthearted banter and remain aloof and obscure in my responses until the pot boils over. I'm baffled.

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Originally Posted by LivingtheLifeinFLA

It could be that they have known her alot longer than you and realize that she does what she wants to do.

So they have learned to not give her advice because they know she will do the opposite, and they already get the same BS that you got.

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Thanks to everyone that has posted and helped I've affirmed that I was blinded and missed obvious clues. Her MOTHER told me she always had a propensity to do as she wished. This did not dissuade my desire to change her. I thought I had the mental and emotional capacity to mold her into a loyal and strong partner. It failed miserably needless to say. The funny part is all the changes she emailed me with are the changes that I told her she always needed to make. She came full circle, but has never admitted nor pointed out her flaws or mistakes. That alone makes me realize we could never be until she learns to be responsible. Her logic is befuddling.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

First of all, it's not weird. It's great you both are happy now. It was for the best after all. I only hope fate is as kind to me. It makes sense what you're saying and in all honestly it really has dawned on me that this parallels my situation. When we broke up she did come to me once, weak, saying she could never live without me. This was a week after the break up. She wanted me to say the same thing but I didn't. Fast forward to now, it's the same situation. She wants me to tell her I want her back and beg. I can't do that, I don't think anyone should have to beg like that. She wants to feel like she is the best thing that happened to me and I'm miserable without her. I think I shocked her when I told her how much I had changed. My only conundrum is how to presently respond. I'm still debating on whether to be forward and tell her that her actions are transparent and she is blatantly imposing passive aggressive notions on me. Or whether I should tell her I'd like to be friends but she has to get over her anger towards me. Or whether I should continue the lighthearted banter and remain aloof and obscure in my responses until the pot boils over. I'm baffled.

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Whatever you do, make sure you don't create an enemy where it once wasn't. For example, you don't want to give her the "aha!" just to satisfy this itch of annoyance you're having now. This will only make her feel more aggressiveness towards you.

Be mature and keep conversations on your part short but polite when it comes to her sending phony emails. If she does otherwise and starts acting like a grown-up, then it's okay to communicate a little bit more. This will send her the message, but at the same time it will save her the embarrassment (because I'm sure she already feels a bit of shame or at least knows deep down inside that she is childish with these lengthy emails about herself).

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Originally Posted by Sad Soul

Whatever you do, make sure you don't create an enemy where it once wasn't. For example, you don't want to give her the "aha!" just to satisfy this itch of annoyance you're having now. This will only make her feel more aggressiveness towards you.

Be mature and keep conversations on your part short but polite when it comes to her sending phony emails. If she does otherwise and starts acting like a grown-up, then it's okay to communicate a little bit more. This will send her the message, but at the same time it will save her the embarrassment (because I'm sure she already feels a bit of shame or that she is childish with these lengthy emails about herself).

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I totally agree!:cool:

Then it shall be. Well folks, from this point on I will keep this as a side project. I will be kind, polite, aloof, scarce, short emailing, and guarded. We will see how she acts. I doubt this will lead to anything. Anyone want to guess the outcome of my tactics? Thanks

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Thanks to everyone that has posted and helped I've affirmed that I was blinded and missed obvious clues. Her MOTHER told me she always had a propensity to do as she wished. This did not dissuade my desire to change her. I thought I had the mental and emotional capacity to mold her into a loyal and strong partner. It failed miserably needless to say. The funny part is all the changes she emailed me with are the changes that I told her she always needed to make. She came full circle, but has never admitted nor pointed out her flaws or mistakes. That alone makes me realize we could never be until she learns to be responsible. Her logic is befuddling.

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Honestly, I would say I don't see this as a life partner:

And I think this quote is CRITICAL: "I thought I had the mental and emotional capacity to mold her into a loyal and strong partner."

This is a bit arrogant and dangerous... A relationship cannot work like this. Not healthy. Clearly you all are not compatible... A soulmate is not a project.
Ok, so you both grew. Now grow onward.

Ps - And a "Propensity to do as she wished..." is not always a bad thing. But in this case it was obviously selfish. So, not worth repeating.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

I thought I had the mental and emotional capacity to mold her into a loyal and strong partner. It failed miserably needless to say. The funny part is all the changes she emailed me with are the changes that I told her she always needed to make. She came full circle, but has never admitted nor pointed out her flaws or mistakes. That alone makes me realize we could never be until she learns to be responsible. Her logic is befuddling.

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This could have been one of your problems. You don't set out to change a person. You either care about them or you don't. When you take it upon yourself to change someone, you are in essence telling them there is something wrong and they are not good enough for you. This also shows an insecurity in you, because, you are the one in pain and you'd probably take this "irresponsible person" back in a heartbeat.
It sounds to me like you're saying, "I tried to change her and make her a better person and she didn't appreciate it, so if she is unhappy it's all her fault and if she ever wants me back she had better show some responsibility" What gall! She may not be the best person, but you need to take some responsibility for being part of the reason she left.

I agree with the previous couple posters here... nobody molds anyone into anything. Unless you are doing a Woody Allen and raising a child to be a future partner. And that's just plain sick.

Only you can decide what direction your life takes you. You obviously loved her other wise you wouldn't be so confused. The one thing you have to keep in mind is the changes that you have made are not only for yourself esteem but for being a better man. 7 years ago did you really think about being a better man? Now you are a better man and maybe that is what she see's. My only other question is, now that you describe yourself as a better person will she bring you down again to the level you were at before or can you continue to grow and maybe the both of you can have a meaningful relationship? Has she grown any or is she just building herself up to seem appealing? Guess I had more than just one question.

Dear Smoothy, Homegirl 50, Chery, and Ash123

I appreciate your advice. This is how I thought in the past, it's not my way of thinking now. I was stating it as a mistake I made. Which is also why I said it failed miserably. I know now that you can't change people. Hindsight is 20/20 you know? For her to be a life partner would require quite a bit of changing on both sides. I've improved but I've got some work left and will continue growing. Seemingly she hasn't really changed. I don't know what she is thinking but it doesn't seem to be with the best intentions. As far as doing as she wished, I was responding to Chuff's post so it was to him and that's why I repeated it. I agree it isn't always a bad thing but like you said in this case...

Now, Homegirl 50 I think you're going too far. I did care about her. I didn't SET out to change her. It's not like it was premeditated, you're kind of painting me out to be much worse than I was. I didn't set guidelines for her telling her she had to be this way or I would leave her, she merely was never there for me, so I would ask her to be, and I would give her advice she would refuse. I agree with the insecurity bit on my part. I was insecure then, but it wasn't totally unfounded and it was cultivated in the long run. I was also slightly delusional with paranoia but I mean I admit to these flaws. I actually haven't said "if she is unhappy it is all her fault" and if you read carefully I am far from vengeful and spiteful and I think you saying that is unjustified. I appreciate your opinion homegirl 50 but I don't agree with all of it, sorry. Nor did I take her back when she came back to me saying she couldn't live without me slightly after the breakup. In fact, I might add, your post is a bit defamatory and hostile which I can't quite understand it's cause. I don't mean to be rude but you're not really giving advice you're basically just stating how bad you think I am, how does that help? As far as taking responsibility this whole post is littered with my acknowledgment of my ignorance. It's almost like you didn't read the whole post. Anyway thanks for replying everyone, take care!

Cheers

She hasn't really changed in the way you think she should. She is being who she is. If you don't like it, that's your problem not hers. So if she is not the one for you, not the type you like, then you should just be able to get over her.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

She hasn't really changed in the way you think she should. She is being who she is. If you don't like it, that's your problem not hers. So if she is not the one for you, not the type you like, then you should just be able to get over her.

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Actually exactly in the way I think she should. There are many other things that I had given her advice on that she rejected that she is now doing like working out, like going back to school and quitting smoking, talking to her dad, I could go all day. I really don't think you have, again, the justification to say with certainty that she hasn't really changed in the way I think she should. She is being who she is clearly because I'm not in the picture, that's obvious why bring it up? I don't dislike it, and it isn't a problem, that's not the issue here why bring it up? If she isn't the one for me only time will tell don't you think? I've moved on but am curious about what will happen, have you read this post at all? What I have a problem with is her manipulative tactics, how it's almost in contempt she is doing this. Something others have pointed out. You seem to have an agenda, trust me I don't hate my ex and I don't wish anything negative on her, what I DISLIKE is her trying to manipulate or hurt me. I didn't like the fact she contacted without any actual interest in me only in a passive aggressive way. If you notice from my posts I have yet to be mean to her since she contacted me. I've been nice and friendly. While I'm not perfect don't paint me out to look like a villain or some sort of premeditated abuser. You seem to have some sort of agenda and I would kindly ask you to look further into my posts before you make what seem as all encompassing accusations.

I think you should tell her to stop emailing you. She is just trying to rub it in how good she has it without you and make you jealous of "what you coulda had and lost." She is also looking for the pats on the back you give her cause the gratification feeds her feeling like you are envious of her "new life" She likes the idea of feeling you still have an emotional attachment to her.

I'm contemplating it, I still haven't replied to her. Part of me wishes at the least we could be friends someday. I also don't want to give her the satisfaction. This is bittersweet. I want her to realize that even if she didn't want me I would be fine but at the same time I do actually care for her. I had decided to keep emailing her politely in the hopes that one day she may stop acting immature and open up and actually start speaking to me like an adult. It's funny but that same concert she was going to was canceled. She wrote me on Friday just to tell me she was going to the concert with one of my favorite bands here then she wrote me yesterday saying how heartbroken she was. If you would have seen how much she was rubbing it into me in that email it would be humorous. I think she wrote me yesterday just to save face lol. Anyway, I'm still contemplating. Cheers

Sigh, back at this. I emailed her back politely saying how bad I felt that she didn't get to see one of my favorite bands who she never liked before she met me. She emailed me back saying that she is pondering getting a new job and moving on to "bigger and better opportunities" and that her life is crazy hectic but great. Then she asks me how I'm doing and what's new?

Does she really care, I don't know, I 'd like to think that she does. Why oh why is this happening? I mean I know I'm doing this to myself but why does she keep emailing me like this? Just randomly telling me about her life. She's increased the frequency at which she emails me now even though I'm becoming more scarce emailing her about once every two weeks, it's baffling. Three times in the last few days. B.S. polite banter for the most part, the type of discourse you have at an office party with a guy named Lumberg. :(

I want to say "LISTEN WOMAN YOU EITHER LIKE OR ME OR YOU DON'T, YOU EITHER GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING. YOU DON'T NEED THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION AS INSPIRATION, JUST THE EFFING GOLDEN RULE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP PUSSYFOOTING FROM SAYING HOW YOU YOU REALLY FEEL THAN EFF OFF! NOW IF YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS STOP LIVING IN THIS HOUSE OF CARDS AND SAY SO!". But instead I'm a "B" and I say "well that's wonderful for you" B.S.. The sad part is my conscience would otherwise cripple me. She stopped taking her xanax as well, and her panic attacks have died down. I don't know whether she was referring to me causing them. I'm overpowered by my curiosity considering the ego destruction and reconstruction I had to undergo, I'm overpowered by my conscience which restricts me from treating her badly or coldly. I was FINE when she wasn't emailing me. Now it seems my composure is being tested. I mean if she were to tell me that she had found someone else I'd deal with it and it this would end there, but she wrote me specifically saying she's "alone" and it's a bit lonely but that she's OK with it. Why the EFF do you say this to me? I haven't told her I'm alone. As far as she knows I'm james freaking bond now sans the martini. You guys think I'm crazy but what would you do? I see her flaws better and my flaws a bit better with some of the responses. I wouldn't get back with her and let her in as deep as she was before, I wouldn't allow it I would feel weak and I'd feel like I'd gone backwards. I can't rely on her, yet she was always great with advice and I have never shared my whole self with anyone before like I did with her, and I've had plenty relationships. I don't know. I'm not breaking down, nor am I going to reply until November but what now? Is she increasing her emails because I've been so aloof? Probably but what does it mean? Does it mean I hold some power? If I did I would use it for good. A friendship would be nice. What of it?