Me and my ex of 3 years broke up over a month ago. He said we were fighting too much and that if I would give it time everything would fall into place.well we still see each other and hang out and spend the night together,yet he hasn't mentioned anything about the relationship. Its like he's over it and he has been.the night we broke up he had some girl at his house and when I showed up he said she was there for his friend(who was also there)but I don't believe them. We spent all of last weekend together and last night. I don't know what's going through his head. Does he want to be w/me or does is he having his cake & eating it too?and how do I get over him?

Sounds like he is having his cake and eating it too. If he is playing around with you, its best you stop seeing him. Zero contact. He can't have it both ways. It will be hard at first. It will get worse then better. Don't bottle up your feelings. Let it all out. Cry Cry. Talk to your family and friends. Write in this forum, we are here to support you.
I wish you good fortune.

We have been broken up for over a month. I have not been calling him and he winds up calling me.I have so many feelings for him still and I want to get him back somehow.when we first broke up (the first week or so) we didn't talk and I didn't call him,now we are talking daily and we spent the weekend together. I know we did fight a lot and I wasn't really "happy" but I just want to try to be with him. I love him so much

As a friend of mine on this forum would say, you are being to easy to reach.

Make yourself rare for a while, no matter how much it hurts. Believe me it works, I did it and stood my ground for two years, and he lives in the same house, but I still did not accept his invitations, and when he called, I was short and told him I was busy. He wound up realizing what he missed and started doing little things for me and we are together now. I still have my own place and spend most of the time there, but he always comes by my place or I his, and we see nobody else. He even bought a computer which he never uses, for me so that I'll spend more time upstairs at his place. So you see, if it's meant to be, it will happen. And he might have been telling the truth about the other girl and her b/f, did he ever give you reason to doubt his loyalty to you in that way? A few fights are OK, but can get old, and maybe he's got to have the time to put things in perspective and value you. Don't give up, just don't be easy to get from now on no matter how much you want and miss him, and see where it will take you. There are other fish in the sea and believe me that type of pain heals.. or we'd all be in the loony-bin. Good Luck to you and as previously said, we are here for you any time.

He may well be having his cake and eating it too. The main issue here, however, is what do you want out of this relationship? Are you content to settle for a casual fling with no strings attached? If so, then there's really no problem here. However, if you desire a lasting, committed relationship, then you need to confront him about what he wants. Lay your cards on the table and inform him that nothing less than a totally, 100% committed, strictly monogamous relationship will be acceptable. If he balks at that, then that's your cue to bail out. On the other hand, if he's agreeable to those terms, then the two of you may have a chance for a future together.

The problem is I want to be in a committed relationship and at this time it seems like he doesn't. I tried talking to other guys but nobody compares to him, and when I do talk to other guys and he finds out he gets upset and tells me he's not talking to any other girls and I shouldn't be w/any guys.we were together for 3 years and the whole time he never cheated on me, or gave me any major valid reason not to trust him. We had a great relationship,like most couples we had our ups & downs, but we always stuck together and made it work and loved each other. At the end though we never spent any time together.he was always w/his friends,going out and not including me in anything. He would work all day and go to bed at night(if he wasn't out w/his friends)i would cry and tell him all I wanted was to spend more time w/him,he would tell me was sorry and he was going to make time for me but he never did. We wound up breaking up days after he said that.he told me he couldn't take the fighting anymore.I still want to be with him more than anything,what can I do to make this relationship work so we can be together??

First, when I meant no contact so that he can realize your value, I did not mean to 'talk' to other guys - you know that only leads to jealousy and more problems. He probably feels smothered by you because you want more than he's willing to give right now, and your demands for more time. Men are not our possessions, we have to give them their freedoms as well as receive space from them. But you seemed to place your whole world around him and wanted all of his time. There is also a difference between quantity and quality time, so when you are together you should not spend it by arguing about not getting enough of it. IF you get back together with him tell him you care, that you will try to give him as much space as he needs and maybe agree on a code word that he can use if he feels another one of your clingings coming on. If you really want that, anything is worth a try. Sincerely wishing you a lot of luck. Keep us posted.

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Originally Posted by Chery

First, when I meant no contact so that he can realize your value, I did not mean to 'talk' to other guys - you know that only leads to jealousy and more problems. He probably feels smothered by you because you want more than he's willing to give right now, and your demands for more time. Men are not our possessions, we have to give them their freedoms as well as receive space from them. But you seemed to place your whole world around him and wanted all of his time. There is also a difference between quantity and quality time, so when you are together you should not spend it by arguing about not getting enough of it. IF you get back together with him tell him you care, that you will try to give him as much space as he needs and maybe agree on a code word that he can use if he feels another one of your clingings coming on. If you really want that, anything is worth a try. Sincerely wishing you a lot of luck. Keep us posted.

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CHERY-
You are so incredibly right.everything you said in the reply is exactly what he's said to me. When we were together and he was working and I was working and we didn't really have a lot of time together,he would still call and tell me he wants to see me but instead of me being nice and spending the quality time with him I would complain about how we never spent time together and make the time we did spent together horrible.he would even explain to me that I shouldn't complain about us not spending enough time together and I should just make it a good time. There was a lot of things I did wrong.I wasn't giving him time w/friends and the time he did spend w/him wasn't ever good at the end.he even said I was being too clingy.I thought that's what he wanted to be with me, I didn't want him to think of me as clingy or needy.YOU ARE SO RIGHT THOUGH. Its like your inside his head right now.so is there anything I could do to get him back?when we 1st broke up we didn't see much of each other, but I've spent the night w/him all weekend and so far everyday this week.I want to be with him, what can I do to prove to him I'm in love and have realized my mistakes?

Just make it prime time from now on and try very hard to think how it will feel later to be in his arms, before you complain about anything. Make compliments, notice when he gets a haircut, let him be with his friends, and before he leaves to go with them hug him and tell him to have great time. Then, cook a little something while he's gone, surprise him with those 'little' things he just won't expect from you because of the way you were before. Saying 'I love you' and showing it are two different things.
Does he like sushi, try to learn how to make it, look up on the net on how to do so, and you can enjoy it with some candles and a nice rice wine - that's quality time. Don't just do this for him, but for yourself as well this way you'll learn not to be a 'nag' in the future no matter what happens to this relationship. I sincerely hope it works out for you. Just look inside you and see alternatives for your behavior. We all have to give a little to receive and it's not a great sacrifice to do this. One thing you have to constantly tell yourself, is to not rush it, no matter how bad you want him forever, it all takes time and lots of work. Lots of Luck.

I was just so used to spending all of my time w/him, that when he started doing his own thing I felt like I was losing him.I don't want him to think he can walk all over me I want him to be there for me and he said we broke up because we were fighting too much but then why isn't he making any effort to be with me?

He shared the weekend with you didn't he? If you fought again, he might take a while to rethink and call you, but when he does, you'll be ready with a few new ideas and I truly hope they work. I he does not, call him and invite him to a coffee shop, somewhere neutal, so that he knows there will be no arguing. It can't hurt to try. You'll find out soon enough where you stand, but not without effort on your part first. Good Luck.

We haven't been fighting lately at all. When we see each other its comfortable and it makes me miss him more.when he asked me to come spend the night he said he didn't want to sleep alone.what the hell is that about?does he want my company, or is he lonely?I haven't been talking to him about our relationship either.when we broke up and I tried to talk to him about it he told me he didn't like talking about it and I should just give it time.im not sure what's going on in his head. I hope that if he was seeing other people he would tell me or else he would be hurting the new girl too,right?why would he want to be w/anyone else anyway?will he ever come to his senses?

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Originally Posted by steph1fl

we havent been fighting lately at all. when we see each other its comfortable and it makes me miss him more.when he asked me to come spend the night he said he didnt want to sleep alone.what the hell is that about?does he want my company, or is he lonely?i havent been talkign to him about our relationship either.when we broke up and i tried to talk to him about it he told me he didnt like talking about it and i should just give it time.im not sure whats going on in his head. i hope that if he was seeing other people he would tell me or else he would be hurting the new girl too,right?why would he want to be w/anyone else anyway?will he ever come to his sences?

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I hate to tell you this, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but your 'clingy' side is showing again. You want immediate confirmation and you will NOT get it. He's not ready no matter what you do, get used to it or move on to another chapter in life - I had the feeling that jealousy or insecurity has a play in this before, but didn't mention it in hopes you'd realize this yourself. He is comfortable with himself, there is nothing wrong with him. He just does not live up to what you want him to be, so change your view or lose. You will never get into his mind, just what he wants to show you, so take it at face value and don't read any more into it than what is there. When he said he did not want to be alone, he did not choose another, so that might tell you something. Settle down and take a deep breath and stop thinking about him 24 hours a day, you have other things to think about too. Best wishes and again, good luck.

I don't mean to be clingy at all. There's just something about me that changes when I'm around him. I just miss him and I want some advice and guidance about what I should do. I don't want him to be going out and seeing what's out there and when he doesn't find something he likes he will come home and call me to come over. I don't want to be for the moment. Before we broke up he was telling me he wanted to make it work but I had the worst attitude and treated him not so good and now I'm stuck.do you have any tips about what I could do to to make myself more diserable to him or is it hopeless?

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Originally Posted by steph1fl

i dont mean to be clingy at all. theres just something about me that changes when im around him. i just miss him and i want some advice and guidance about what i should do. i dont want him to be going out and seeing whats out there and when he doesnt find something he likes he will come home and call me to come over. i dont want to be for the moment. before we broke up he was telling me he wanted to make it work but i had the worst attitude and treated him not so good and now im stuck.do you have any tips about what i could do to to make myself more diserable to him or is it hopeless?

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Dear, there is no way you can stop someone from looking at the menu unless you lock him up in the basement forever and that will only make him start hating you for this dominance. Again, he's not your possession and never will be, even when and if you are married, a man is never a possession. Get this through your head. Don't go through changes trying to 'make yourself' more desirable. He should not be the center of your life, your school, future goals (not just him) and a good career should also take up a lot of your time. Set some priorities here please... You should never change for others, you should only change for yourself. Once you like yourself, feel more confident, then others will pick up on it. Right now he's picking up on your insecurity and that's not good. Gain some strength for yourself and get rid of the trash you've been taught by whoever, in the past, as it is not helping you at all. Once you like yourself more, you will also like and trust others enough to share the good part of you and not the judgemental or possesive part. I bet there has not been one thing in your life or what you watch on TV lately that has been able to get a giggle or laugh out of you. This in itself will show you a lot. Do some serious changes within, not without. Good Luck.

I've actually been OK. I surround myself w/friends everyday and go out.im not going to stay in and wait for him, don't get me wrong.I just want to know why he would want to end a 3 year relationship w/me?because we fight too much?when I do see him or we talk I'm always doing something unless I'm ready for bed.I don't want him to think I'm miserable because I'm not,I'm just confused and in love.I had a life before him and I'm determined to have a life now even if we do get back together. He even told me that he wants to see what's out there and if there's nothing he wants more than me then we will probably get married.I want him to figure things out,but I don't want him walking all over me.

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Originally Posted by steph1fl

ive actually been ok. i surround myself w/friends everyday and go out.im not gonna stay in and wait for him, dont get me wrong.i just want to know why he would want to end a 3 year relationship w/me?because we fight too much?when i do see him or we talk im always doing something unless im ready for bed.i dont want him to think im miserable because im not,im just confused and in love.i had a life before him and im determined to have a life now even if we do get back together. he even told me that he wants to see whats out there and if theres nothing he wants more than me then we will probably get married.i want him to figure things out,but i dont want him walking all over me.

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Out of the risk of repeating myself, you want his undivided attention and possession. Can't you take what he says at face value as he's been pretty truthful with you. His experiences out there might make him realize that you are the best one for him, but not if you push. And I'm sorry to say it but YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. Look what you've written, it's mostly I love him, but, what if, but if, but, I want, but , but, but... stop this and face reality or you'll never get a guy to take you serious, as you don't take yourself serious either. What you mean by 'walking all over you' is that he looks elsewhere, but still calls you and then you find faulth with that instead of feeling a little reassured of his choice and thinking of that 'prime time'. That does not sound like walking, it sounds like he's making a choice of some sort, but you seem to be ruining it at every chance you get, just as instand coffee can taste bitter, so maybe you just like the idea of being in love... If you don't want him to think you are miserable and confused then don't act like it. No matter what we say here, you always answer with but what if... 'IF is the little biggest word in the dictionary - find another word from now on, as there are always 'if's in the world and we can't change that. You could always find a blind man, but then he won't see your outer beauty either. He will be looking at your inside more, what will he see? Again, what more can I say, except for good luck in really seeing yourself. We all worry, we all get anxious, but other things in life are just as important.

Well last night I was going to bed and I thought I was sleeping alone,when he calls.I answered the phone in my sleep basically and was so happy to hear his voice. We talked for a minute and the whole time I was wishing he would ask me to sleep over again,but he didn't.so I decided I would ask him,and he said "not tonight" why would he ask me over every night this week and then last night he says no? it hurt worse than ever to hear him say no.. all of the jealous,possesive feelings came back to me and I was hurt.I did wind up spending the night with him and he made me feel so good.I asked him if there is anyone else he's dating and he told me no and that he doesn't want to be with anyone else.do you think there will ever be a chance for us to get back together?

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Originally Posted by steph1fl

well last night i was going to bed and i thought i was sleeping alone,when he calls.i answered the phone in my sleep basically and was so happy to hear his voice. we talked for a minute and the whole time i was wishing he would ask me to sleep over again,but he didnt.so i decided i would ask him,and he said "not tonight" why would he ask me over every night this week and then last night he says no??it hurt worse than ever to hear him say no..all of the jealous,possesive feelings came back to me and i was hurt.i did wind up spending the night with him and he made me feel so good.i asked him if there is anyone else hes dating and he told me no and that he doesnt want to be with anyone else.do you think there will ever be a chance for us to get back together?

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There you go, talking before thinking again... Why didn't you just enjoy the moment and not constantly putting a stumbling stone in your own way?? It seems to me that you like being self-destructive. Please re-read this whole thread again, and this time try and let some of it sink in.
Dear, you are only hurting yourself with all this self-doubt.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_2_109v.gif

Oh trust me I was enjoying the moment. I only asked him if he was seeing other people already,is that not fair?I have a right to have self doubt or whatever because the person I was in a relationship with is doubting me too.

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Originally Posted by steph1fl

oh trust me i was enjoying the moment. i only asked him if he was seeing other people already,is that not fair?i have a right to have self doubt or whatever b/c the person i was in a relationship with is doubting me too.

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Yes, but remember that you created that doubt by 'talking' to the other men, not the other way around. Have you caught him with 'talking' to other women, no... but I bet you can't wait to catch him at it. This is just the attitude that you have, sorry to say and it must have been taught to you at an early age by someone imressing you, but that was tha past and you must grow or stay stagnant and not learn a thing. It's your choice, so make it.

Well last night I didn't hear from him all night. I went to sleep early (around midnight)and I woke up at 4:30am.I wanted to know why he didn't call me cause he had been inviting me over all week so I went to his house... well there was 2 girls there one that I know and used to hang out with and one girl I've never seen before.what are 2 girls and 2 guys doing at 4:30 in the morning together? its time to get over this P.O.S. when I got there he said "you were not invited go home"... HOW RUDE. WHAT A WINNER... YA RIGHT! Its time I erase him from my head.he obviously does not care about me.I don't know what I was thinking going over there and getting played like this.THIS IS NOT THE 1st TIME HE HAS BEEN W/OTHER GIRLS... he said he is single and can do what he wants and I need to go home...

So I guess he answered the question for me last night.he didn't tell me he was seeing anyone else because he wanted to keep me on standby in case he didn't find anyone better,and last night he was w/other girls so he didn't need me around.I need to get over this kid cause he obviously does not want anything to do w/me.

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Originally Posted by steph1fl

well last night i didnt hear from him all night. i went to sleep early (around midnight)and i woke up at 4:30am.i wanted to know why he didnt call me cause he had been inviting me over all week so i went to his house...well there was 2 girls there one that i know and used to hang out with and one girl ive never seen b4.what are 2 girls and 2 guys doing at 4:30 in the morning together??its time to get over this P.O.S. when i got there he said "you were not invited go home"...HOW RUDE. WHAT A WINNER...YA RIGHT! its time i erase him from my head.he obviously does not care about me.i dont know what i was thinking going over there and getting played like this.THIS IS NOT THE 1st TIME HE HAS BEEN W/OTHER GIRLS...he said he is single and can do what he wants and i need to go home...

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Dear steph, I hate to say this, but you should not have gone there. You knew exactly what you might find and deliberately set yourself up. I told you last time that you were self-destructive and you kind of are.. You placed your whole world around him knowing it was not good to do. But now you know and what you do with this knowledge will be up to you. If he calls again, you'll probably jump at the chane to 'prove' you are the most desirable, and see him. My advice to you is DON'T. Let him have some time and don't crush him. That's what you've been doing and he has been reacting to your actions. Men also have to prove something to themselves, and that's never to be P-whipped. Please understand this, no matter how much he likes you, you just made it impossible for him to 'rate' you as all men do. You are now at the bottom of this list and there is nothing you can do except go along with it, or start a new life without him. There are others out there, but don't make the same mistake with them, please. I hope you've learned something from this. You either have to let him go, or let him win. Because if you keep this up for the rest of your life, you'll always loose! I said before that you don't trust men, have you had others in your family i.e. your mother or sister act the same way? Because we learn to be this way from early age, and if you don't change, you'll never be happy. Even if Mr. Right showed up tomorrow, you'd not trust him for 2 minutes alone, so there must be a real trauma in your life that you have not worked on and really need to if you ever want a healthy relationship in the future. I truly wish you a lot of luck finding out why you are this way, and I cannot say you did nothing wrong, sorry, but you need to hear the unabridged version of what a guy sees in you the way you are right now. So, forget about him - NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU THINK YOU LOVE HIM AND Can't DO WITHOUT HIM - which is a lie to yourself. Seek therapy and get yourself some confidence real quick. That's all I can say right now, I've been trying to tell you what to expect when you continue the way you did, but you would not listen. You had your choice, made it, now you have to live with it. Do you seriously wonder why he does not want anything to do with you anymore? You followed him around like a sick puppy and always asked the wrong questions because you wanted proof of his 'undying love' RIGHT NOW! Put yourself in his shoes for a few minutes and understand his frustrations as well, not only your's. Real life isn't that way. You asked for this pain, now get rid of it. Again, good luck.

So its my fault.im the one that shouldn't crush him?he's crushed me.and not because of something I did but because he's tired of being with the same girl for 3 years and wants to go out and see if there is anything else out there and he never loved me and we will never be together he likes other girls.I don't need therapy 4 it.I just need to be strong and forget about him.he invited me over every night until yesterday he wanted to keep me hanging on but when he finds someone else he will let me go.

No dear, it's not all your fault, but you did bring it upon yourself, as you did not read or take any of my advice and invited trouble, that's all. Just get him out of your life and start over. When you say he never loved you, I think that's going a little too far and putting yourself down, after all he was with you for 3 years even through the arguments. Men are very different from us and sometimes don't know what they want until it's not available anymore, as one of my friends on the forum says. You just made yourself too available and built your whole world around him. Next time you'll know not to do that, and I'm sure after this, you'll not make the same choices again. We live and learn. I wish you all the best.

Now use some good shampoo and wash him right out. OK?.

Steph, I hate to read all of this that you are going through, I know it hurts. The thing that you have to realize is that you can't win someone back, THEY have to come back to you. The more you push and the more you show you care, the more harm it really does. After reading this I really see how much alike women and men are in this aspect. People really do want what they can't have. You NEED to show him that you are NOT going to put up with this crap, but you can't go by his house and "see what he is up to" because it makes him think "man, this girl is nuts!". DO NOT talk to him for a few days (at least) and really make him see what he is missing. I think this is easier for girls to see, but if her really cares for you, he will. If he doesn't, you are better off without him. As far as him "not wanting to spend the night alone" I would say "well......then you shouldnt have broken up with me dummy". If he knows you will be there when he calls, that is all he will need you for. Guys are dumb, and MOST of the time they blow a good thing and don't even know it. I think women have a better understanding of relationships and have a better insight into men that are good/bad for them. I am pretty much going through the same thing you are, and let me say... the more you distance yourself, the better. If he wants you back, HE will come to you, but DO NOT go running to him. Be strong and have some fun with your friends. Try not to think about him and what he is doing, it will only burn you up inside, TRUST ME! Best of luck, Jeff.

After I went home that night I didn't try 2 call him at all and he didn't try calling me... then on Tuesday night he called.I didn't want to answer cause I knew it would be the same ol' ****,but he called over &over again and left a few messages. I still wasn't going to answer but he left 1 message so next time he called I picked up.we talked and he asked me why we can't be friends I told him I can't be friends w/him because I still have feelings for him.he asked "then how are we supposed to get back together if we arent friends?"I told him that's the way to find out if he can't live w/out me and after not seeing me one day he will just know.he wants to see if he can get someone else and if not he wants to be with me.tuesday night I wound up going to his house after he called and spent the night and he hasn't called me since.he only calls late at night when he is lonely and he never calls during the day to see how I am doing or just to say hi...

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Originally Posted by jeffatl

Steph, I hate to read all of this that you are going through, I know it hurts. The thing that you have to realize is that you can't win someone back, THEY have to come back to you. The more you push and the more you show you care, the more harm it really does. After reading this I really see how much alike women and men are in this aspect. People really do want what they can't have. You NEED to show him that you are NOT going to put up with this crap, but you can't go by his house and "see what he is up to" because it makes him think "man, this girl is nuts!". DO NOT talk to him for a few days (at least) and really make him see what he is missing. I think this is easier for girls to see, but if her really cares for you, he will. If he doesnt, you are better off without him. As far as him "not wanting to spend the night alone" I would say "well......then you shouldnt have broken up with me dummy". If he knows you will be there when he calls, that is all he will need you for. Guys are dumb, and MOST of the time they blow a good thing and dont even know it. I think women have a better understanding of relationships and have a better insight into men that are good/bad for them. I am pretty much going through the same thing you are, and let me say...... the more you distance yourself, the better. If he wants you back, HE will come to you, but DO NOT go running to him. Be strong and have some fun with your friends. Try not to think about him and what he is doing, it will only burn you up inside, TRUST ME! Best of luck, Jeff.

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Now that you've got it from a man's point of view, maybe it will sink in. You placed him in the center of your world and would not give him room to breathe - no wonder he used you. Just let him go and get a better life with someone who understands your needs and can give you what you want - he can't - he needs a very independent and secure woman - one who acts like she does not care as much as you did. Do some serious thinking about this and good luck.

:confused: -I thought your advice was OK up until this point... I don't think you understand the situation... independence... ive been out on my own since I was 18 he's lived w/his parents until last year (hes 24 tomorrow)HES THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO GROW UP AND BE INDEPENDENT.he used to be head over heels for me, the way I am for him until I cheated,he felt betrayed and there are trust issue between us that I haven't explained so you really don't know the situation,but thanks for trying.

Don't make excuses for his behavior, I did that and it just places the blame back on you. Did he break up with you because you cheated? It doesn't sound like it. Look, I know taking advice on here at first is really hard. The only thing you look for in the beginning is validation to your actions, but Don't! NOBODY has the right to make you feel bad and treat you like a puppett on a string. I think you are missing the point about dependence as well. That's great that you are off on your own, but that doesn't make you independent in the sense of a relationship, you can still be dependent on that feeling of being wanted and needed, but don't feel bad that's just human nature. DO NOT BUY HIM CRAP FOR HIS Birthday! Maybe a card (NOT A HEART TO HEART CARD!) but just be nice, with that said don't roll over for him AT ALL! You have to make this guy miss you, YOU ARE THE PRIZE NOW NOT HIM! Ok, you cheated, did you tell him about it or did he find out on his own? I always feel like owning up to a mistake and coming clean about it shows maturity and most of all regret for what you did. Don't let him hold that over your head for one minute, it's a load of b/s. Honestly, there is nothing anyone can really say to you that will just POP, open your eyes, it is something you will really just have to get fed up with. You sound like a very nice girl, so why chase him? Let him chase you, its more fun anyway. My EX cheated on me and yes, it did kill the intimacy for a while, but I got over it and worked things out. Don't beat yourself up about the past because there is nothing you can do to change that. LET HIM GO! If HE comes back to you, then see how you feel about it. Best of luck to you! :o

Steph, based on the information you posted on this thread this is what I understand. Your 24 year old ex-boyfriend has decided he no longer wants to be in a relationship where he is constantly having to defend himself. He said that the break-up was due to "too much fighting" between you two. The constant fighting has ruined this relationship and I don't believe it can or should be salvaged. I think that at this point you both need to lick your wounds and walk away, far, far away from each other. No contact and definitely no "spending the night cause I'm lonely"... that's crap by the way. You're vulnerable right now and he was a pig for asking you to sleep over, HOWEVER, you should have had the sense to say, "I have more respect for myself then to sleep with my "ex" and I am not a friend with benefits." When you're broken up, you're not entitled to show up at his house and it wasn't rude of him to tell you so, nor do you have a right to know what he does and who he does it with, and vice-versa. You don't have to like it, but you do have to accept it. Turn the tables. Say you were the one who broke up. You go out on a double date with your girlfriend and he shows up. Awkward moment, yeah! You might have even gotten angry. Can you understand that side of it? Of the 3 years you were together, how much of them did you spend fighting? If you don't trust him because you say that this isn't the first time he has been with other girls and he says he feels betrayed because you cheated on him, then what value does this relationship have?? Don't chase what's no longer there. You two created an animosity towards each other and it's made you both behave in a pretty unattractive manner. There is never a good reason to cheat. If you're not happy, if he ignores you, if you were drunk, whatever it is you're justifying you behavior with, it's not a valid reason. If it's that bad, then walk away, but don't lose your dignity by cheating, it will turn around and bite you in the end. As for him, right now, he needs to be given exactly what he asked for... space. If he calls you late at night to sleep with you, tell him you're not available for that. Block his number for your own good. If he really wanted time away from you to think things over, then he wouldn't be calling you only for sex. Besides, can you honestly say that you would want to risk getting pregnant by a guy who doesn't really want to be a part of your life right now? The pregnancy won't change his mind and all you'll wind up with is a baby who has to suffer through the indignation and sadness of having his mom and dad live under separate roofs. Don't play games. Don't get resentful, but don't be friends right now either. I understand that you may feel a little empty and saddened by your loss, that's normal and it will pass. You have been on your own since you were 18 years old and that in itself is admirable. It shows a certain level of maturity on your part, but you need to grow a little more, and you can't do it by clinging onto a relationship like this one. There's nothing wrong with wanting someone to share your life with, your highs and your lows, but right now Steph, you need to handle things on your own. If you have girlfriends you trust and love, keep them close. Call your parents more often. Go to church. Find your innerstrength and use it. Do you know what your purpose in life is? If not, then take this time to find out. If you're going to school to reach your goals, then GO TO SCHOOL TO REACH YOUR GOALS. Volunteer your spare time doing something that will give your life meaning, this will help you more than you know. “And ever those, who would enjoyment gain, must find it in the purpose they pursue” (Sarah Josepha Hale).
Hope that helps... :D

Wow,now I just think you don't know what you are talking about... when he did call me and wanted me to stay the night he knew he wasn't getting anything from me!! even when we were together and were fighting I wouldn't give it up.im not the kind of person that needs to sleep w/people and get pregnant for nothing... you got me messed up.I don't want to have a kid anytime soon w/any guy in live or not... sorry.and when he called me and asked me to sleep over last week I went there so I could be w/someone familiar just as he did.I did cheat on him and after it happened I realized I made the biggest mistake ever.I never told him he found out from someone else.he might be only calling for sex,but if I did see him it wouldn't be about sex at all.ive tried to break up w/him in the past when the roles where reversed and he wasn't having it.I don't and will never make excuses for myself or anyone else.I know what's up.and I know right and wrong and(most of the time)

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Originally Posted by steph1fl

:confused: -I thought your advice was ok up until this point...i dont think you understand the situation...independence...ive been out on my own since i was 18 hes lived w/his parents until last year (hes 24 tomorrow)HES THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO GROW UP AND BE INDEPENDENT.he used to be head over heels for me, the way i am for him until i cheated,he felt betrayed and there are trust issue between us that i havent explained so you really dont know the situation,but thanks for trying.

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There is financial and emotional independence in case you did not remember, And yes, we don't know everything, only what you give us, and then when we try to help you feel attacked, so what the heck do you expect. We only try to help you understand a few things that you seem to have forgotted or are blocking ever since you met him. So if it's positive answers you want all the time, get a recorder or pay a fortune teller to tell you a bunch of lies. We can't read minds and if you only feed us bit by bit you are not being 'fair' to us either. You have the choice to play any kind of games you choose with us, but please don't play games with yourself anymore, it's only for your own good. Keep us posted.

Chery, I couldn't have said it better myself. Steph, you came here asking advice and you got it. We have all given you opinion that we feel strongly would benefit you and help you with your dilemna and you have the option to listen or not. If we assumed that you were having sex with this guy, it was only because you lead us to believe so. You never said, I sleep with him in the same bed but there is no sex involved. In any case, the jist of what Jeff and I were saying doesn't change. I personally believe that you must move forward, if need be without him, and from the sounds of it, he's not willing to take that journey with you right now. I hope you decide to take it anyway. Best wishes...

Ooooooookkkkkk. Don't get mad Steph, we are trying to help you. Ok, MAYBE him asking you to come over has nothing to do with sex (if you want to think that) but it probably has to do more with control. If he can get you to jump trough these hoops and get you to come over and stay with him so he doenst have to be alone, HE WINS! I wasn't saying anything about you having sex with him and I don't think I said anything of the sort. Think about this rationally for a min. If you had all of the perks that come with having a boyfriend but didn't really have one, what would be the point? If I could get a girl to come over whenever I wanted her to and stay with me only when I was lonely, I would never need a girlfriend, nor would any guy. Look, don't feel like we are attacking you here, I have found that the more you think about what is said here and RATIONALLY apply it to your situation, it really does fall in place. Just TRY and not talk to this guy for a week, and REALLY think about the way he is acting to you right now, do you really think if he does take you back he will change? *Sigh* I feel so bad for you because I know what you are going through right now and it SUCKS! Don't beat yourself up about this Steph, nothing you do will change anything, DO NOTHING and he might wise up. Look, the fact is you came here asking for advice from us. A lot of the time it takes a 3rd party that has no real involvement in your situation to give you a straight up and blunt answer, that doesn't always mean that you will like what you hear. Calm down a little here girlie, and think about what we are saying in LITERAL terms, if we mean sex we will say sex and not sleep. Don't worry, everything will work out for the best. :cool:

Momincalli and Jeff, thanks for the support. As you can see, I've tried, but fed with just a little at a time and always on the defensive, it's hard.


Steph - you may be preaching, but not practicing, because your statement on excuses to me, is BS, unfortunately. So why get down on us? Take your aggression to where it belongs, please. You came to us for help, we did our best, but apparently it was not enough for you. Sometimes it seems that you want more than you can chew, and that is something you have to work out on your own. I've been a social work therapist in family and children matters (privately at home) for 3 years now and I can tell a stubborn individual when I see one, by the actions and body language, (you probably cross both your legs and arms right now) it's hard to 'read' one when not there. Please see someone who can help you out on this or you will drive yourself nutty. You have so much anger inside that you are lashing out, but at a computer, not where it really should be aimed at. The only thing others can do for you is to give you options by which you make the choices - they are up to you. Please print this whole thread out and take it to a therapist near you and ask his/her opinion about it if you don't like what we've been advising. We've got nothing at all to loose or hide here and I am real sorry you feel offended, but sometimes life is not an easy road to travel.
Not giving up on you, so don't you do it either - it could only make your situation worse.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_19_5.gif

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Originally Posted by steph1fl

me and my ex of 3 years broke up over a month ago. he said we were fighting too much and that if i would give it time everything would fall into place.well we still see each other and hang out and spend the night together,yet he hasnt mentioned anything about the relationship. its like hes over it and he has been.the night we broke up he had some girl at his house and when i showed up he said she was there for his friend(who was also there)but i dont believe them. we spent all of last weekend together and last night. i dont know whats going through his head. does he want to be w/me or does is he having his cake & eating it too?and how do i get over him?

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Girl we got to keep our heads up high! My boyfriend and I took a break for about a week, I later found out that when we weren't together he slept with my best friend and I introduced them. He lied straight to me, I found out from a third party, neither of them! He still let me give him oral pleasure and all. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. Don't think about it because it will just make you feel worse. We are better than that. Im a better person now that I'm not with him! He's a fool and they will regret it. Its up to you if you go back or not, personally for me NO! I can't do that, he repulses me!