OK, you may all think I'm being overly worried about this situation, but that's just me eh ;)
Anyhow, here's the backstory... I'm a senior in university and for the longest time, obviously until recently, was in a longterm relationship (nearly 4 years), we began dating summer after HS, both at the same university. Before the ex and I got together I dated in HS but nothing ever serious or longterm, so I'm very new to the whole breakup concept.

Last March, we broke up for mutual reasons, we were not the same people as we were when we began dating, I think most of that had to do with natural maturation changes that happens to people at our age, and we began arguing and getting in pointless fights that always ended after a couple hours. However, one day another pointless fight happened and somehow we both knew that would be the one to end it. During the breakup she broke out the line, 'I'm never happy with myself, and I've lost all self confidence, I just need to make myself happy right now, but I still want to be with you.' Instantly I knew that was a load of BS, so I let her be and lo and behold aprox. 3 weeks later she's started dating her roommates friend from class.

Now, that quick turnaround on her part really bothered me. Not necessarily because I wasn't over her, I've always been the person that makes friends with extreme ease and have had no problems meeting new girls myself, and have been on plenty of dates with others... I truly believe I am over her. This is where my confusion begins, after not seeing/speaking to her until mid July and now only like once a month or if we bump into each other on campus randomly, I'm ready to let it go and want to be her friend (I don't want it to be where we never speak again after having the history we had and seeing as we were fgriends before we got together). However, she is still very negative towards me and acts angry. Whenever I ask her why, or how come she can't just be chill about it she says, 'I'm just not ready to be friends, I'm sorry, and I wish I was, I want to be, butright know I can't, I don't know why and I can't give you a reason why I'm still upset and am always angry.'

After having discussed this with my female friends, most of them (but not all) say the reason she's angry and can't tell me why is that she's not over me, and her being angry is the easiest way to not deal with what she's feeling. I guess my question is, does that seem logical to you all, is she not over me, or is she just that angry, because I figured by now she should be at least able to tell me eh? I only care because I got a fantastic job offer when I graduate in Dec that requires me moving and I know if we're not talking by then I never will talk to her again, which is upsetting as I would like to be on a friendly basis with her. Thanks in advance everyone and this was EXTREEMLY long I know, SORRY! ;)

This is where my confusion begins, after not seeing/speaking to her until mid July and now only like once a month or if we bump into each other on campus randomly, I'm ready to let it go and want to be her friend (I don't want it to be where we never speak again after having the history we had and seeing as we were fgriends before we got together). However, she is still very negative towards me and acts angry. Whenever I ask her why, or how come she can't just be chill about it she says, 'I'm just not ready to be friends, I'm sorry, and I wish I was, I want to be, butright know I can't, I don't know why and I can't give you a reason why I'm still upset and am always angry.'


I am a woman, there are plenty of reason as to why we are so upset or angry w/ the guy after a break up, but the number one reason is because, we simply want to be left alone.

We do not want to hurt your feelings and this is where the old "I need space" comes into play.

This young lady just want's out of the relationship... end of the disscussion.

Do not listen to YOUR friends, or HER friends, they are not nuetral to this because they only want the best for you and her. Her friends don't want to hurt your feelings, and your friends don't want to see you hurt. I have found out that if I want advice, the last person that I would ask is someone who is deeply concerned and want's the best for me.

Give her what she is asking for, space. She is not ready to be friends, let her have her wish. You said that you have no problems getting a date. Do just that and go on with your life.

I am not a fortune teller but I don't think that you have heard the last from this young lady. Women have a way of resurfacing when a man has gone on with there lives and testing the water's to see if there is something that is still there. My guess would be the second she finds out that you are over her, dating and moved on with your life, you will all of a sudden get that phone call from her telling you that she want's to be friends again.

Give her what she want's for now. Get back with us because she will call!

Letmeno - outstanding. You hit it on the head.

That's another thing - I don't listen to friends advice because I would NEVER have gotten back with my current.

I do think if he moves on this gal will come back, she still has strong feelings for him and hence the angry. Women can't control those feelings.

I agree with letmeno. She tells you like it is. She gives it to you from a women's perspective.

Its true, she will resurface as soon as she thinks you've moved on. Try having a zero contact with her. She does look like she is still in love with you. Love is not a easy thing to just get rid off. If it were easy, then she wasn't in love with you in the first place.

As for dating someone else right away, it is just a rebound. It is her way of making herself feel good about herself.

When my ex broke up with me, she did not want to stay close or in touch, so I initiated no contact. Few months later she was the one that initiated contact with me. It did not mean she wanted to get back with me, but it was her way of saying I'm now comfortable to be in touch with you now.
Maybe she feels guilty about breaking your heart and that is why she acts that way right now.

If you move away, some how she will contact you down the road. Trust me on this.

Good luck.

Its up to you to decide about that in the way she acts and what if she was telling the trusth about she still wants to be with you... maby your might miss out

Well, first of all I need to say thanks for the great advice. It only took about a week of no contact and BAM there's an email in my box this morning from the ex. However, the next question begins... obviously I'm not going to be the one to run and jump back and email/call her right away, I'm going to lay it off for a while, and knowing the ex, in the email she asked about hanging out Sat and if she hasn't heard from me by fri night, she WILL call me then, to only have me not available again. So after that, when do I return the email/calls... or wait all together for her to call again? Thanks much!

I'm going back to the beginning. What makes you think you'll never see her again after December? Are you going to the other end of the world? Maybe a neutral place away from bad memories and/or friends, just might be the right place for you. You can always invite her on one of your holidays, and see where it takes you from there. No fear, if friendship is meant to be, it will happen at any distance after all you do share a past and true friends are hard to find and one can count them on one hand. Whether you call her or not is your choice alone, through your gut feelings, even if it is to tell her that you will leave and hope that freindship is enough. Be strong, at any rate. All else has been said.. Good Luck.

Hi,
Don't even think about passing up your new job opportunity. I know you haven't even mentioned it, but go for the job. You and your lady friend will eventually work out everything, if it is meant to be. Keep in contact with her, and answer her emails.
Be friendly with her, and treat her with respect and as a friend. If anything further developes, it will take some time.
If you don't answer her, she might think you really don't care anymore, and just simply give up.

I would take my time with this. Be busy.

These aren't games. People want what they can't have. You shut her out and she missed you.

Take a day or two to respond. No pressure. No tough questions. Be funny. Tease her - maybe "Hey, how are you? missed me already?"

Don't over communicate.

I am wondering what drove her away? Too much communication? Do you trust her? Too needy? This what YOU have to fix.

Sorry I could not rate you on this, but you both get a BIG HUG from me for this one. I'm glad I have you both on my side this time..
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_11.gif

I agree with your female friends. She's not over you yet and obviously harbors a lot of resentment and anger over the breakup. However, that's not your problem and you cannot let it become your problem. You desire to be friends with her and that's very nice, but it just might not be in the cards for you right now. Get on with your life and make your plans for the future. Don't let your decisions be clouded by a need to be friends with her on your part.

Hi,
If you had read it, I did state that "you did not mention this but...".
The reason I mentioned about "not passing up your job", was to reinforce what you are already thinking about... that is, taking your new job, which sounds great. Some won't take a new job if it means moving away from their girlfriend; and/or have seconds thoughts about it later.
Perhaps you should read a little more carefully yourself.

Hockey dude - tell us what happened

Nothing yet... I'm playing the waiting game and will probably get back to her sometime next week, eh. I'll let you know when I do get to speaking with her thou.

Good for you man!!

LESS IS MORE WITH WOMEN.

She is probably totally freaking out right now.

Women love to think and reflect - wonder - wonder what you are doing - they love the anticipation of something even more than the actually event.

You are totally building that anticipation.

BALLS IN YOUR COURT NOW!! Keep there!! Ball should bever be in her court.

Hocky Dude, what are your intentions? Do you want to get back with her, do you want to remain friends, or do you just want to have an open relationship with her or just date her?
If you plan on dating her, she is not going to take you going out with other women in stride for the simple fact that she has had a committed relationship with you already. So think about that also.
For right now, until she states to you and makes it perfectly clear what it is that she is wanting, don't make any hasty or sudden moves. She said she wasn't intrested in being friends with you so don't forget to remind her of that when you do have a conversation with her. For right now, make her wait.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by collegehockey

Nothing yet....I'm playing the waiting game and will probably get back to her sometime next week, eh. I'll let you know when I do get to speaking with her thou.

---

No matter what you choose, be civil about it. Remember women are only human too. Women can be real good friends to men if treated accordingly and not played with and you just might need a 'female' friend some day, not just your mates.. And if it should not wind up more than friendship, you've shared so much that it's worth keeping the memories. Nobody ever want's to be alone because they make a mistake in the past to regret it. Keep the ball in your court, but let her play with you once in a while, she might have good ideas on how to help you even if things don't work out between you in a more personal level. A team, in any day to day life is better than tossing that ball againts a wall that does not give you feedback. Glad you finally chose to give us some feedback.. as we have spent some time in trying to help you. Good Luck.

Well, at the onset of the whole original post eh I was just confused about her resentment and anger... and was strictly interested in just knowing why she was acting the way she was, and being able to be on a friendly level with her. However, now that I've quit talking to her and have noticed her making more of an effort and the content of her communication with me, naturally its going to spark feelings and thoughts about possibly getting back with her, thoughts I have not considered at all in quite some time. For me, it really is a more confusing situation now than it was when I made the first post. So I guess you could ask, do I want to be on good terms with her where she is not angry and we can be friendly with each other, YES. Do I want to be close and really good friends with her, not so much. Do I wan't to get back together with her? I honestly can't say yes or no, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

That's why I suggested you take the job and invite her some time on a holiday, and check out how you feel then. Does that make any sense? People do have the ability to change for the better.

Hey guys, I wanted to post an update and ask a new question about my initial post from a while back, and for all of those who responded thanks so much and maybe you'd like to do again ;) Anyhow, on with it...

Okay, this are murkier for me now than before, if you've read my old post you will know what I'm talking about, I fought with the reasoning as to why she could not be cordial with me, and why ahe was angry all the time (as I figured that was a by-product of her not being over me, which apparently I was right) and now after I've backed off, she has turned full circle and is making a strong effort as she says to be friends.
While she does say friends, and I know she is dating another guy (her rebound, but not serious) believe me that I do know her and I know while she says friends, she would not be contacting me as much as she is, or continuing to do so without me replying to her if she did not want to be more than friends, I know confusing lol. Also, at the time, I figured that was all I wanted, to not let there be lingering resentment as I did move on I did date other girls etc, but after being with other women and having new friends... I've realised that it's not the case, I want her back.
Now, I haven't gone about being needy, she is always the one who calls me and I have yet to return her calls, maybe I answer her by email once every other week as she does call me multiple times in the week sayign she wants to hang out, wants to do dinner, etc. Case in point last week was her birthday, and I had her texting me saying she wanted to hang out soon, So I guess my question is two tiered, am I off base in thinking she wants to rekindle our past, and that she really only does want friendship? And in the case that she wants more, how do I go about that with her, it's a fine line to walk when trying to get back together with someone, how do I continue to hold the upper hand in not calling her back and being needy combined with wanting to hang out with her etc... it's just that I know rule number 1 is that you don't be available and needy, but how do I go about contacting then? I'm so confused haha, but thanks all in advance ;)

Hi,
What's it been since you first posted about your confusion, maybe a couple of weeks? A month?
Give this some time. You say you are dating others, but really, it hasn't been very long. She has another person she is dating also.
You may never have a chance with this girl for real love. Give yourself a few months, like more than 2, and see what happens.
You can't get your mind off someone in a month or two. It sometimes takes a year or two, depending on if you are really in love.
If she really wants you, is in love with you, she will come see you; not send you messages, emails, phone calls, etc. True love will find a way. Friendship is different. She is a friend at this point, that's all.

How Attraction Works For WOMEN


AN INTERESTING STORY (OR SO)...

There are two basic stories for how men and
Women "start off" together, and two basic stories
For how men and women "end up".

Through all of time, I'm sure that men and
Women have been playing out these stories... and
I'm sure that they'll continue to play them out
Long into the future (that is, unless I have
Something to say about it... and I do).

THE MEETING STORIES

Here's "Meeting Story #1":

Boy is attracted to girl. Unfortunately, boy
Doesn't have a clue about how to make girl feel
ATTRACTION for him... so, instead he tries to
"pursue" girl by offering her dinners, gifts, and
Flowers. Girl finds boy "nice", but there are no
"sparks", so she "just likes him as a friend".

Here's "Meeting Story #2":

Boy is attracted to girl. Fortunately for him,
Boy understands ATTRACTION, and begins to
Communicate with girl in a way that makes her feel
A powerful physical and emotional response for boy
That she can't control. The sparks fly, and boy
And girl "get together".

As I'm sure you know...

In story #1, GIRL is in total control of the
Situation and both of them know it.

In story #2, BOY is the one who's in control of
The situation.

THE STORIES OF HOW THINGS "END UP"

Let's assume that somehow, boy and girl
Actually "get together". Things usually go one of
Two ways after that...

Here's "End Up Story #1":

Boy and girl get together. Boy realizes that he
"REALLY likes" girl. Boy begins to act more and
More predictable. Boy starts to share "how he
feels" about girl too often. Boy becomes more and
More submissive. Girl loses that feeling of
ATTRACTION that she once had for boy and has no
Way of explaining or understanding why. Girl
Leaves boy and boy is left wondering what
Happened.

Here's "End Up Story #2":

Boy and girl get together. Boy understands that
No matter how much he likes girl, he cannot let
Himself become a Wussy who chases girl around
"sharing how he feels" and becomes boring. Boy
Keeps the relationship interesting and he keeps
Challenging girl. Boy stays in control of himself,
And by understanding his role as "The Man" in the
Relationship, keeps girl interested and attracted
To him into the future.

And again, as I'm sure you know...

In story #1, GIRL is in total control of the
Situation and both of them know it.

In story #2, BOY is the one who's in control of
The situation.

If you look at your experience with women, I'm
Sure you'll see that these short stories describe
MOST of the experiences you've had.

Now, of course there are slight twists and
Variations, but the message is clear:

YOU MUST UNDERSTAND HOW ATTRACTION WORKS FOR
WOMEN... AND HOW TO KEEP THE ATTRACTION GOING
WHEN YOU MEET A WOMAN YOU REALLY LIKE.

If you don't understand ATTRACTION and how it
Works, then you are destined to keep playing out
These same stories for the rest of your life. It's
Very unlikely that you'll stumble upon the "magic
solution" by accident...

ATTRACTION IS DIFFERENT FOR WOMEN THAN IT IS FOR
MEN - VERY DIFFERENT

The reality is that you CAN stop this negative
Pattern if you WANT to.

But the key is:

1) Understanding how ATTRACTION works for WOMEN.

2) Understanding YOURSELF, so you don't ALLOW
Yourself to act like a Wussy, become boring and
Turn a good thing into a bad one... but instead
You do the RIGHT things to keep everything on the
Right track.

If you know how to make a woman feel ATTRACTION
For you, then you can control your destiny with
Women. If you DON'T know how to make a woman feel
ATTRACTION for you, then you cannot control your
Destiny with women.

Read that paragraph again, and think about it
For a minute before you go on.

OK, so I mentioned that ATTRACTION is very
Different for women than it is for men.

Different how?

What do I mean by that?. Well, generally
Speaking, for a woman, ATTRACTION is a PROCESS...
Not an "event". It happens over time, and it
Becomes stronger or weaker depending upon how well
The man in the situation understands how it works.

For a man, ATTRACTION is much more of an
"event", meaning that it's either there or it
Isn't. It really doesn't matter whether the
Woman understands how it works. (As an interesting
Side note, if a woman really knows how ATTRACTION
Works, and her intention is to manipulate a man,
It usually works VERY well.)

So, think of a woman's "Attraction Mechanism"
More like a volume knob than a light switch.

It's like a fantastic, classy old car that
Needs to warm up for a long time before you can
Drive it... not like a brand new Honda that you
Can start up and get right on the freeway with.

Here's a little secret about women and
ATTRACTION: If you'll just take a little longer in
Every situation to AMPLIFY a woman's ATTRACTION,
She'll love you for it... and you'll experience
Rewards that will make the extra time you spent
Seem like the best investment of your entire life.

Here are a few specific tips for you for the
"Meeting Phase":

1) Start with something STRONG, not WEAK.

When a guy finds a girl interesting, he usually
Turns into a ball of nervous mush. Then, he
Usually makes the mistake of letting the woman
KNOW that he's nervous and weak.

Don't do it.

Do something STRONG.

Challenge her.

If she thinks that she's cool, make fun of her.
If she's smart, argue with her a little. If she's
Doing something, tell her that you could do it
Better.

When you PUSH a little, and show some BACKBONE,
She'll push back. That's your sign that the GAME
IS ON.

If you just chase after her like the 100 other
Wussies that have been bothering her this week,
You will just be another boring, predictable face
In the crowd.

2) Keep the TENSION UP.

One of my favorite concepts is "Never let the
line go slack".

This means that once you SPARK the "chemistry"
Or "sexual tension", you need to KEEP IT UP.

Just because she starts doing things that hint
To you that she's interested, doesn't mean that
It's time to STOP. Quite the opposite, actually.

Turn UP the volume a little. It's working, so
Do more!

3) Tease.

The word "tease" has a couple of meanings.

One of the meanings has to do with doing things
That are slightly annoying to get a response from
Someone.

The other meaning is subtly different and has
To do with drawing out a response that you want by
Doing certain things that indirectly trigger it.

Do both.

If you're about to kiss her, wait until your
Lips are so close that you can almost feel her...
And then STOP. Pull away, and smile.

If you want to know how she feels about you,
Say, "You LOVE me" in a condescending tone of
Voice, and see how she responds. If she says "NO I
DON'T!" in an exaggerated, mocking way, then she
Probably DOES "love" you.

Teasing is fantastic. Do more of it.

And here are a few tips for the "End Up" phase:

1) Never become BORING.

Being predictable and boring is a cardinal sin
When it comes to ATTRACTION.

Don't do either.

Of course, telling a man not to be predictable
Is like telling a dog not to hump your leg.

Most guys are PAINFULLY predictable.

We LIKE being predictable, actually. I get it.

But, when it comes to a woman you enjoy, you'd
Better figure out a way to STOP IT.

There's nothing that will kill the sparks
Faster than her knowing what you're about to do or
Say.

2) Don't hand over control.

Women like men who make decisions and take the
Lead. Now, I'm not saying that women like men who
Are overly controlling. What I am saying is that
Women don't like guys who are always saying things
Like, "I don't know, what do YOU want to do,
baby?".

Women don't want men that they can control, so
Don't be one.

3) Respect yourself and keep your own interests.

When a guy meets a woman he likes, he often
Wants to spend as much time as possible with her.

This is natural, of course.

But there's a big danger here as well.

If you put your life aside for a woman, you
Will become less interesting to HER.

In the long run, it's MUCH better to keep your
Friends, your interests, and your hobbies, and to
Spend time doing the things you enjoy... WITHOUT
HER.

And I think it's VERY important to keep
Improving yourself as a person, and continue to be
A guy that she can look up to and respect.

As soon as you start acting like she's going to
Be around forever, she'll start feeling less and
Less ATTRACTION for you.

THE BIGGER PICTURE

Now, as you read these examples, can you see
The bigger picture forming?

Can you see the deeper message?

The deeper message is that you need to
Understand how ATTRACTION works for women and you
Need to do those things that keep the ATTRACTION
BUILDING FOREVER.

Now, where does this all begin?

It begins with YOU.

And it begins with you learning how to control
Yourself and your emotions. It begins with you
Understanding the history of how and why
Men and women become attracted to each other. It
Begins with you learning the basics of how to use
Subtle body language and communication to make
Women feel ATTRACTION for you.

And what's the best way to get this "in depth"
Education?

You need to get some of your "Inner Game"
Issues handled, and you need to learn how to
Really get control of your emotional life. If this
Is you, then I recommend you check out my "Deep
Inner Game" program.

Tahts great, but I guess I need some more specifics eh... come on I know yo all are out there dying to help me eh hehe

It's called creating gattraction again. You need this. Be busy. Don't accept the 'friendzone'.

Understandable, but the point is I'm sure I have beeen, I haven't been chasing her and I haven't beeen giving in, I've beeen busy, I've been with other girls and its obvious with the fact she is always asking me to hang out etc and calling me so forth that I have, its just a simple question of how do I go about communicating with her again after this long and after being busy... how do I begin hanging out with her again without the risk of losing the upper hand, do I just break down and call her and set something up on my terms, basically it boils down to I've been doing the stay busy part, and its worked she's obviously attracted to me again, so how do I go about playing off this attraction without sacraficing it, basically since she still calls and I don't return her calls should I just out of the blue call her one day or would that be a no go?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by collegehockey

... So I guess my question is two tiered, am I off base in thinking she wants to rekindle our past, and that she really only does want friendship? And in the case that she wants more, how do I go about that with her, it's a fine line to walk when trying to get back together with someone, how do I continue to hold the upper hand in not calling her back and being needy combined with wanting to hang out with her etc...it's just that I know rule number 1 is that you dont be available and needy, but how do I go about contacting then?? ...

---

Read all your posts to bring me up to speed and this is what I think... Never assume anything, ANYTHING! All the calls, emails, text messages... if she threw herself naked on your bed, you shouldn't assume she wants you. You should ask, do you want me?? The point is, make her say it, crystal clear. Don't play games cause in games there is always a loser, should I call... will it give her the upper hand... yada, yada, yada. Call if you want, keep it short, funny and casual. Not every day or even twice a week, once every other or so. Don't let her predict your next move, but don't ignore her to the point where she may figure you don't have interest and she find herself attracted to someone else who does give her a little attention. If she calls you for a date, make it lunch and keep it on a schedule. Light hearted, fun, short... it will keep her attention just enough.

Well, it's obvious you both still like each other. Hard to move on that way isn't it.