Ask Me Help Desk - Feel Used

Feel Used

Hi my name is Monica and I feel so bad. My boyfried of 5 years broke up with me for the 4th time. I don't understand why.. I did eveything he wanted me to do. He saw me whenever he wanted or had "time for me". I was always there for him.. Gave him money when he needed without expecting anything but love from him.. took him to work, bought him food, treated him when we would go out, you name it I did it for him.. I don't know why he would do that to me.. I don't understand why he was like that to me.. He never wanted to go to parties, family gatherings, clubs or out with my friends... he just always wanted to be home alone with me.. He said" he wanted to have me all to himself" He never even introduced me to his family or wanted to meet mine...
I am having a really hard time to get over him.. he really hurt me and I feel so used.. All for the sudden he just broke up with me for no reason... What should I do?

First of all hunny, you keep saying how much you have done for him, but now you need to ask yourself what has he done for you? Its sounds as if you took care of him. And after 5 years you never met his family?! That's extremely strange. He sounds like a big jerk, and got what he wanted from you. Now you just need to learn how to walk away. I know its so much easier said then done believe me I know, but you have to walk away, and if he actually loves you he will follow, but you need someone that is going to treat you and give to you what you give to them. A relationship is 50/50 not 10/90. You deserve so much more. I know my problem is that I give and give and give and get nothing in return. NOT COOL! But once I stop allowing that to happen, I met a great guy that would do anything for me... It will happen to you to, you just have to let it. Good luck to you and keep me posted. Do you self a favor and walk away, meet new people, and see how he feels about that...

OH, and read my qoute, it helped my through a lot in situations like your in

Thank you so much for the advice foxy... I just feel so bad because I gave this guy everything I had and he did this to me.. I don't think I deserved it.. and I feel worse because when he broke up with me he didn't even bother to give me a good reason all he said was that he could take being with me anymore... does that mean he lied to me all the time and never really loved me?

I'm sure your intentions were very good and were to make him happy but you ended up putting yourself in the role of "doormat". It sounds as if he walked all over you and did not appreciate anything you did for him.

We still have to retain a bit of ourself in a relationship. We cannot give everything to someone and get nothing in return. I know it sounds like you are being selfless but you are allowing the other person to be selfish. Relationships are supposed to be 50/50. It sounds like this one was 100/0.

I feel something off by the fact that he never took you out and never introduced you to friends and family. Any chance he is married or has another girlfriend? That just doesn't sit right with me.

I'm sorry this happened to you. This guy sounds like a real user. There are some great posts on this forum that can help you after a break up. I have to say if he calls again ignore him. This guy is not worth your time.

Here are those posts I mentioned:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...ed-123862.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...kup-78597.html

That's something that you will never know. I had that happen to me for a 3 year period. I spent over 5000.00 on him. I know how you feel and it has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. You don't want to be with some one like that. Its not worth it in the long run. Start thinking about first all the money you will save from not being with him. Do something nice for yourself even if its just going and getting your nails done or bying yourself and outfit to make yourself feel good. You will met the right one when the time is right. Work on you right now. Because you have love yourself before you can love anyone else. And rebounds suck. Get together with your girl friends and have a good time. Im not going to say forget about this guy because I know you can't do that. But learn from him, and what he did to you. And maybe he will come crawling back but it takes a real hardcore person to tell him to take a hike and not look back, because its not up to you to take care of him, and I know you did what you did because you love him, but if he's not giving anything in return then its not worth it! Your better then that to let some jerk take advantage of you because you love them. Just learn from your mistakes. There are good guys out there. Im going to give you the same advice that someone gave me and it help me a lot. "Go into everything with your eyes wide open" Don't turn your head to red flags, Run from them. If you ever need anyone to talk to about something like this, just let me know I've lived through a lot... Be good to you.

Well. I did do everything to try to make him happy.. that's why I can't understand why he did that to me.. thank you both for the great advice.. I know it's going to be very hard to forget about him because he always does this to me.. he breaks up with me for no good reason and then calls me back in a couple of months and tells me he still loves me and want to be with me.. like always I fall for it... but I don't know what to do now... I'm so tired of being treated this way... what should I do to help me forget about him faster?

Remember everything cruel he ever said or did. If necessary write down a list and post it where you will see it several times a day (this works VERY well btw). I posted mine on my mirror so when I would get ready in the morning I would just read over and over again all the crummy things. It helped seal in my mind the bad and pushed out the good.

Are you sure he was single? Sounds like he was otherwise occupied. Why stay with a selfish man in any case? You seem to have a lot to give, give it to someone who gives in return.

That I knew.. yes he was single and I was his only girlfriend.. that's what he would tell me... but he never wanted to go out with my friends or his... every time I would tell him to go out he would get mad and change the subject.. we only went out a couple of times to the movies and I practically had to beg him... I just thought that he loved me and that's why I did all of those things for him... I just wanted him to be happy and this is what he did to me

So sorry for you. Hope you find someone who appreciates you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mon3yca15

that i knew.. yes he was single and i was his only gf.. that's what he would tell me... but he never wanted to go out with my friends or his... every time i would tell him to go out he would get mad and change the subject.. we only went out a couple of times to the movies and i practically had to beg him... i just thought that he loved me and that's why i did all of those things for him... i just wanted him to be happy and this is what he did to me

Oh jeez. I'd say without a doubt you were an unwilling other woman. What a double dirty rat. Some people...

Not to sound harsh but after 4 times haven't you seen his pattern and cried enough for this user/loser?? Stop letting him kick you. If you truly are tired, you wouldn't fall for his tired lines again.

You WERE being used, and this guy seems like a d-bag. You're better off without him.

He has left you 4 times. He probably found different women to take care of him and when they kick him out he comes back to you. I've heard all you did for him, but what did you get from this relationship?
Despite what some people may say, the best way to keep a man is not to be a doormat. You do not give give give and get nothing in return. He did this to you because he is a jerk and you let him.
Let today be the one you make up your mind to never give him another chance.

Hi Monica
I'm real sorry for your pain but you definitely need to get over this jerk. What a wanker , you need to be with someone who appreciates and deserves you. Be strong and don't ever give him the chance to get back into and continue ruining your life , it's way too short!

Thanks to all of you for the advice... I just hope I can get passed this and move one with my life... would anyone know about how long it will take for me to stop feeling so sad?

Sweetie it all depends on you, that's why I say to go out with your girlfriends and start taking care of you. Because only you can fix yourself. Just keep telling yourself that you deserve so much more! And you are a good and kind and wonderful person, any guy would be so lucky to have someone like you.

Lots of women have been in your shoes... its a matter of picking the wrong guy. Consider this a learning experience and use what you have learned about him to pick a better man the next time. Don't repeat this mistake by going after another guy like him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mon3yca15

thanks to all of you for the advice... i just hope i can get passed this and move one with my life... would anyone know about how long it will take for me to stop feeling so sad?

Read through the posts listed in Talanimans signature. They are really helpful and will help you feel as if you can make it through this.

I say be prepared to hunker down for at least 90 days. I think it takes time to get that person out of your system. Naturally no contact is advised. If he calls, emails, sends a letter, etc do not accept it. Do not call him, etc. For all intents and purposes consider him missing from the face of the earth

If you ever feel like calling him log onto here instead and let it out. Someone is pretty much always around (the luck of being international :) ) to cheer you up and keep you feeling strong.

It's hard at the beginning but things do get better. You know when you have found the right person when you don't have to try.

Reread your post. You've answered most of your own questions.

Quote:

I did eveything he wanted me to do. He saw me whenever he wanted or had "time for me". I was always there for him.. Gave him money when he needed without expecting anything but love from him.. took him to work, bought him food, treated him when we would go out, you name it I did it for him..

You were the perfect "sugar momma." You did it all for him and he didn't have to lift a finger to contribute in any way to your "relationship." You were taken advantage of and you let it happen. Now, look at all the red flags that should have been obvious from the start:

Quote:

He never wanted to go to parties, family gatherings, clubs or out with my friends... he just always wanted to be home alone with me.. He said" he wanted to have me all to himself" He never even introduced me to his family or wanted to meet mine...

I'm sorry to break it to you so bluntly, but he never loved or cared about you. He just enjoyed all the things you did for him. Frankly I'm surprised he stuck around for 5 years, albeit with 3 "intermissions." Chalk this up as a learning experience. The next time you find a boyfriend, be sure not to love him more than you love yourself, at least not before he says "I do."

I also have to agree with several of the other posters who've suggested that there may be someone else in the wings.

Lose the jerk, there is no way in hell that he deserves a good person like you, I know it hurt like hell right now, but believe me 5months down the road you are going to be so thankful that you got away from him! You are too much of a good person to be treated like he treated you!

Thank you all once again... I have to agree with all of you... I just hope I he never calls again... I can't confront him... any one knows what to do if he does look for me..?

Ignore him.

If he calls don't answer. If he shows up at your home don't answer the door. If he sees you out someplace and approaches you there is nothing saying that you have to talk to him. Be polite but don't talk to him and walk away. You don't owe him anything. Remember that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

Ignore him.

If he calls don't answer. If he shows up at your home don't answer the door. If he sees you out someplace and approaches you there is nothing saying that you have to talk to him. Be polite but don't talk to him and walk away. You don't owe him anything. Remember that.

Glinda is so right on the money here. I know its going to be hard, but you have to find the strangth to walk away and not take his calls. Try and go out with your girlfriends and meet new people. Don't allow this jerk to take anymore advantage of you then he already has. Its not fair to you. You deserve so much better! Remember that you are a good person and you deserve someone that is going to do as much for you as you do for them!

You should be mad as heck if he ever shows his face again. Just remember how you feel now.

I will try to do my best and ignore him if he calls or looks for me... I just hope this is over really soon... I'm seriously tired of all this I just didn't know what to do...

Why don't you try going out with your girlfriends and meeting some new people. I know it's a lot easier said then done but it does work. It did for me anyway. You need to keep busy, and try to keep your mind off things. Im not saying going out and find someone to bring home, just try and makie some new friends, now its time to go out and enjoy yourself for yourself you know? That really is the first step. You have to start taking care of yourself. Get up, take a shower, put something nice on, do your hair and makeup, do yourself right now. When you look good you feel good about yourself. Try something like that I hope everything works out for you and I hope you feel better...

Don't walk away from him RUN away! This guys seems like a real t**t. If he tries to call/contact you just ignore him. You seem like a really nice person, there's nothing wrong with that of course, but some people do like to take advantage sometimes, it sucks but it happens. You can do better, there's plenty of good guys out there (like me :cool: ) that will treat you right. Don't waste anymore time on this guy.

It's been a long month and I'm pulling through it.. I haven't looked for him and he hasn't looked for me.. I hope it stays this way so I can try to move on with my life... the only thing I want is for this feeling of anger and sadness to go away.. I go out with my girlfriends but when I get home late at night I feel worse... any thoughts?

Move on.. find a guy that's going to give you more respect than this one. Most guys won't treat the person they care about like a door mat. You deserve better. Just consider it a learning experience as to what to avoid. Don't assume all guys are such cads however.

Smoothy is right, you have learned and be smarter next time. You deserve a lot better, and don't forget that!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mon3yca15

it's been a long month and i'm pulling through it.. i haven't looked for him and he hasn't looked for me.. i hope it stays this way so i can try to move on with my life... the only thing i want is for this feeling of anger and sadness to go away.. i go out with my girlfriends but when i get home late at night i feel worse... any thoughts?

Its typical. Its only been a month. It takes a while to work through that anger stage especially in a situation like yours where you gave so much and got absolutely nothing back in return. You'll get mad at yourself and you'll get mad at him and eventually it will dissipate.

As for what to do when you get home and start to feel bad. It might help to write in a diary and just get it all out that way you won't have to keep everything bottled up.

Glinda is right , it just takes time and patience as well. You will feel so much better in another month , hang in there. And as Tal said you deserve better!

You're doing good girl, hang in there. You are going to be fine.

I agree with everyone... take a look back, you did ALL of the work in that relationship. He did very little if any, be glad that it is over and move on. You will be fine... keep your chin up :)

Hey guys... I know this is going to sound really dumb of me to say but I feel like calling him... I know that I shouldn't do it and if I do it's jut going to set me back to beginning... I feel soooo bad! Someone help! I don't want to fall again...

If you call him then you will now officially deserve whatever you get.