Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a little over 4 years now. We met when we were 18 we're now 22 yrs old. We have seen each other a lot over the course of our relationship at least 4-5 days a week and did everything together. Everything was fine but lately she has been saying that she feels different and said she wanted to take a break to figure things out and to be happy. She was starting to feel unhappy because we didn't really go out a lot on the wkends, not because we didn't want to, but just tired sometimes and ended up staying home. I have a feeling that she may be a little bored with our relationship and I understand and want to change. We have had these conversations before but things would change and then go back to normal. She says she still loves me but is not "in love" as much as she was in the beginning. It has been almost a week since she said she wanted a break. I have been pretty shocked and devastated, telling her how much I love her and how much she means to me. She has been going out wth her friends a lot, a lot more then when we were together. I have read that I shouldn't contact her but it is really hard because we have had troubles before and talked them out and remained together. I don't want to lose her and do not want to push her away during this time. I just want to be with her, and love her. She knows how I feel about her and I don't know what she is thinking in her head. She says that she isn't ready to see me yet but she will let me know. We talk on the phone every once in a while , but it is hard for me not to call her or text her. I don't have a lot of close friends to go out with, they are either up in school still or have gf's of their own. At work I don't work with any people my age to hang out. She was my everything and I don't want to lose her, should I keep fighting or just hold off for a while? Thanks for any help and advice.

Some of this maybe harsh. How come she has friends and you don't? You made the mistake of making someone else your whole life. That is awful. That is also probably a reason why she got bored with the relationship. She may have realized that she had plenty to do without you, but you don't have much to do without her.

You have to leave her alone and GROW ON YOUR OWN. EVEN if she wants to come back, you have to have some balance in your life. She is fine without you because she HAS MANY OTHER THINGS TO DO. You should too. Even if you have no friends, you have the opportunity now to make them.

If you don't want to be around with other people too much because of your emotional state, GO FOR A WALK, OR A DRIVE, GO TO THE GYM. STAY BUSY. She is too busy to think about you. It's time you became busy enough to forget about her.

I hope she does come back to you. BUT STOP TALKING, CALLING, TEXTING. Don't do this to win her back. Do it to get yourself a BALANCED LIFE. ANOTHER PERSON SHOULD NEVER BE YOUR LIFE!! EVER.

Good luck. DON'T CALL HER. GO OUT. START YOUR LIFE WITHOUT HER ASAP.

--Cali

Well "ilovecali" was right about those things. Having friends is very important when in a relationship, especially a long term relationship. I can relate to your former girlfriend, my boyfriend doesn't have any friends and I have tons, it isn't good to have your life evolve around her, it is ANNOYING. I think you should stop calling her, let her call you. I understand that she needs a break, breaks are also very important. I am not trying to be mean, but this is important, no matter how much you feel like she is slipping away, she just needs time. YOU WILL LOSE HER FOR GOOD IF YOU KEEP BUGGING HER.

Well OK. Give it a little longer, a few weeks, maybe a couple of months and if she doesn't at least want to be your friend then she is NOT worth it. Remember that, SHE IS NOT WORTH IT, and it will make it easier for you to move on.

I hope this helped.

Good luck!

Well an update to the situation. Last night we talked and I told her everything I am feeling. I just wanted her to know how I felt and what I wanted. We talked and I feel better but she says its only been a week and she needs more time. She says we can still talk but she will let me know when she is ready to see me and possibly try to be together again. Is this good news? I mean I feel a little better that she is not shutting me out of her life and I am still holding out hope that things will work out in the end. I just don't know how long she means, its hard to just keep wondering when the time will be right. I don't expect her to change her feelings right away and I just want to start fresh, take her out to dinner, on dates like we use to when we first began our relationship. Any opinions ? Oh and I do have friends, just haven't hung out with them as much since we been together. She doesn't have a lot of friends either, just 1 or 2 close ones that happen to know a lot of people.

Well, I am happy that she wants to stay in touch, however she was right when she said that a week wasn't long enough. This sort of thing takes time, lot and lots of time. Going on dates might be a little much for now, you might want to wait a couple of months like I said in my previous opinion. You do not want to go on dates with her if you think that it will hurt you in the long run. I know it was hard for me to date somebody I loved that didn't feel the same for me. You don't want to get your hopes up.

Also, she shouldn't be the only one you date, meet other girls around your age, make new friends. You don't want her to think that you are drooling all over her, at least not until you know that she feels the same for you.

I hope this helped.

Thanks for the advice and help. My g/f is a really emotional person and she lets things such as school and work really get to her. She is in her last semester of college and has a full load of hard classes. I went through that and understand. I know she still loves me so I just want her to have time and miss me and want me to be in her life. I know there's not much I can do but its hard to think about. We have had problems like this before but never for this long, that's why its so hard on me. I keep thinking to the other times where we talked and things got worked out. Its hard for me not to call her since I am so use to talking to her a few times a day. Is there hope for us? I just want to hear that this has happened and people have gotten back together and had a stronger relationship.

To add to above, I really want to do something special for her that will really make her understand how much I want this to work and that I'm sorry for whatever I have done to lead to this. Is this a good idea? How long should I wait before even attempting this? I know that I should probably wait until she feels comfortable to see me but after that how long? I feel like I have to fight for her, because if I don't we may grow farther and farther apart? I know this is probably not recommended but I can't sit by for weeks and weeks doing nothing. Any opinions? These things are going through my head and seem like a good idea, what do you all think?

LEAVE HER ALONE!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE HER ALONE! You keep this up, you'll destroy any shot you have to be with her.

STOP TALKING TO HER. The more you try now, the farther you'll push her away. She's not stupid. She knows you think she's special. You did date her for 4 years didn't you? Why would you date someone 4 years if you didn't think she was special?

Life is not a movie. YOU DON'T STAND UNDER HER WINDOW LIKE ROMEO, YOU DON'T WRITE HER POETRY, YOU DON'T KEEP TELLING HER SHE'S SPECIAL. Not if you EVER WANT HER BACK in your situation.

I assume she dated you because she thought you were a cool guy? You think some puppy dog, desperate sounding, pathetic guy is going to attract her? NO! What is more attractive is a guy who can live his life WITHOUT HER.

SHOW HER YOU DON'T NEED HER BUT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE HER. Does that make sense? Show her you DON'T NEED her, but you DO WANT HER. There is a difference between the two.

The only way you do that is move on. STOP TALKING TO HER, DON'T CALL HER, DON'T TEXT HER. ACT LIKE A MAN.

You may lose her but you'll be a much stronger person which is GOOD in the long run. But doing this puppy dog stuff NOW will NOT WIN HER BACK.

LEAVE HER ALONE. GET YOURSELF A BALANCED LIFE. That's more important that any girl.

--Cali

Thanks for the advice, I will try my best to follow it because I do want her back and not push her away. What if time passes and she hasn't called me? I know I will find myself wondering what she is doing, if she is missing me and all that stuff. I know I will have the weakness to want to call her, to know if she really has moved on or if she is still "thinking" things through.

>> what if time passes and she hasn't called me?

Then you know the answer as much as it sucks. DO NOT CALL HER. If she wants to be with you, she won't make it so hard. And if you have the moment of weakness, remember that it is NASTY TO JUST DUMP someone like she DUMPED YOU. That is not a nice thing to do. That should make you angry. Why would you care what someone who MISTREATED you is up to?

She made a SELFISH decision to leave you to find herself. It is not wrong on her part to THINK FOR HERSELF and her happiness. But now you have to THINK ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS. Pining after her WILL NOT make you happy. Being happy with yourself, WITHOUT HER, will make you HAPPY. Strive towards that.

Also remember, SHE IS NOT THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD. There will be more in your life that come and go unless you are one of the lucky few who finds your "one" without a hitch.

STAY STRONG WITHOUT HER!

--Cali

OK well I have a semi-update with some promising news, maybe. I have been talking to her brother, w/out her knowledge of course, and he says just let her have some space and she will come back to you. He knows she still cares about me and loves me. She just wants some space to think and be by herself, we have been together almost all the time for 4 yrs. So I mean I am not by any means changing my strategy, just optimistic that things will eventually work out.

I'm glad you have decided to respect her wishes and give her the space she needs. Keep doing that. Don't spend the time apart wondering what she is going to say or do, do not use the time to bug her about working things out. Use this time to make a better person of yourself. Use this time to become the man that she (or whoever the future woman might be) needs and wants in there life. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure everything will work out for you in the end (although sometimes the better outcome is one which we do not expect).

Well I am back again because I am feeling extra crappy this morning. I had a moment of weakness and looked at her Facebook page and saw some pics from this past weekend with her some of her friends. I also saw some guy that I never seen before, and they were taking pics together and stuff. I then got my cell phone bill, since we shared a plan, and I saw a new # that she has been talking to and messaging a lot just recently. I have a feeling its this guy from the picture. I mean they aren't talking for hours or for long at a time but a lot of texts and stuff. I am feeling extra crappy about this, I don't know if this is just a friend or someone she likes. Its hard because we been together 4 yrs, and for her to switch so fast is just hard to understand and cope with. I hope I am over-reacting but it feels horrible. I really just want to meet with her and get everything out and want her to be honest with me about everything and if she is interested in someone else. I know this is not right, but I feel like not talking to her or making contact will only lead her more and more into someone else's arms.

You have to follow your path. I think everyone has told you what you SHOULD DO. But you aren't listening. The path you are taking will only lead to a lot more pain, and push your ex farther into someone's arms. Anyway, clearly this is your first serious break-up. So maybe you do need to go on your own path and find the results. Hopefully you do learn though should this happen again.

Good luck to you.

--Cali

Thanks for the advice again... I felt so much like crap that I left work early today, I just feel terrible. I was weak in that moment and I called her. We talked for a little while and then I just began babbling about my feelings again. At first we were talking but then I could tell she was getting mad about it. So I stopped and told her that I didn't mean to. She basically told me that she wants to be able to talk to me as a friend and has not forgotten about me. She just wants to hang out with different people and be true to herself. This is devastating news for me, I mean I was hoping she would take some space and come back to me eventually. I know its only been a week and this could still happen in the future? Its just hard for me to accept that its over. I just want the chance to prove to her that I deserve her and that's she's wrong, but she is not ready now to give me that chance. I fell like crap, this sucks and I can't believe it. I am officially a mess.

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I fell like crap, this sucks and I can't believe it. I am officially a mess.

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And you will stay that way until you get a life. You have thanked everyone for their advice and have followed none of it. Your bad!! You have put so much into this female that you have nothing now that she is gone, not healthy at all. We have all made that mistake and the reality is you must accept that that part of your life is over and get busy rebuilding a life that your happy with. Your mistake is instead of correcting what you've done wrong you are choosing to wallow in self pity, that won't bring you anything but more misery. Do you really think she will comeback to someone who is that pitiful? Do you not see how unattractive you have allowed yourself to become in her eyes? No wonder she left. Get off your butt and get your act together. Start now with learning to like yourself and figure how to be happy with yourself and leave the poor girl alone and focus on you.

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want the chance to prove to her that I deserve her and that's she's wrong, but she is not ready now to give me that chance.

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You have done nothing to deserve a chance and never will until you can focus on you, not her. A female wants a happy man who can stand on his own, and that ain't what your doing. Give yourself a chance, and get yourself a happy, healthy life. New friends, new attitude, and a new outlook.

I know, I totally agree with what you say. Just coming to grips with the reality of the situation is harder than I ever thought. Hopefully after today, I can start on the right track.

Well another update to my situation... I met her today after she finished school and we talked about everything. It made me feel a lot better to see her and to see that she truly was affected by all this as well. It seems that she just wants some time for herself, not worrying about the pressures that come with being in a relationship for now. She has been in relationships pretty much since middle of high school. She still loves me and cares for me just needs time to figure herself out and to be alone for a while. There is no guarantee we will get back together but I am confident that we will, because I think we are meant to be and we both truly care for one another. For now, we will talk every once in a while, she still wants to see how I am doing and what's going on in my life. I appreciate that and feel better having talked to her and putting everything out in the open. Hopefully over time we will grow and come back to each other. For now, however I am just going to do whatever I want, play golf, work out, and hang with other people. Wish me luck, that I am able to get through this and eventually me and my love will be back together. Thanks for everyone's help and advice through this hard time.

Well today I am feeling a little better, but I have a feeling that it totally hasn't set in yet. I just want to know if I am wrong for hoping that this works out in the end? I mean I know she will be doing her thing and wants to take things slow but I mean I know eventually I am going to want to see her again, ask her on a date to see if there is truly anything left. We don't hate each other or want to close the book on "us" so its hard for me to accept that we are truly over for good. Do you guys believe if people are meant to be together, eventually they will?

>>want to close the book on "us"

She DOES, you DON'T. No it hasn't sunk in yet. You're doing what people usually. Rather than accept loss and confront the pain, you're still in denial and will actually PROLONG your pain.

And I am willing to bet for now, the only reason she has not cut you off completely is because she's BEING NICE. Being nice DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

This will take you months to "get over". But it will take less time if you follow the advice people have been giving you. You're trying to force the issue with her. She may not hate you now, but unless you begin to man up and stop entertaing any FALSE HOPE she will really not like you.

Find something to do. She won't be out of your mind, but at least you'll be active. That will help you get over her. DO NOT CALL HER FOR AT LEAST 3 MONTHS!! 3 MONTHS. Let her call you and only call back after 3-4 times. YES, it is now a game. SHE LEFT YOU. Now don't LET HER WALK ALL OVER you. I think you will though.

Good luck.

--Cali

HEEEEY! Everyone has given you good advise - Take heed. Ill probably repeat it here. Trust me a lot of us have been in similar situations and life does get so much easier, specially with no contact. Every day is better in NC. What you have to do right now is let go. If you don't, your going to suffer emotionally and eventually physically.

You must be strong and no longer contact this person or anything to do with her. You must block her from your life completely, although so hard - its for your benefit. Yes it sux to see or know she's with other guys, but that's what she maybe wants. She's confused. Have some respect for yourself, she doesn't want you and is obviously having mixed feelings.

Looking back over my past experiances being in the other position. The more clingy and suggestive the person was towards me the further I ran or withdrew. Honestly, ignorance is really bliss. What you don't know can't hurt you. Its not going to be easy to move on with your life but from it your become a stronger and wiser person with or without her.

The good news is we have all been in your shoes, and really do support you because we all know how hard of a time you are having. It can't be fun at this point.
The bad news, this is something you must do for yourself. Its darned hard, but the sooner you focus on you and not her, the sooner the healing can begin. You can do this.

Do you all believe that if we are meant to be together that things will work out? I mean if I let go and do NC , that is going to be on my mind a lot. I am just feeling that if I don't talk to her every once in a while that she will truly forget about me. I know what you all are saying and it sounds good, its just hard to do after so long.

>>do you all believe that if we are meant to be together that things will work out?

They kind of have to don't they? I'll tell you I do believe that things happen for a reason, and anything is possible. But you HAVE TO MOVE ON. Look at the thread about "loved one's coming back". Read Jiser's post.

It took YEARS for ex's to get back together. In the mean time, they went on and lived their own lives, even dated other folks. So anything can happen.

But don't CLING to the hope you'll be back together. Live your life without her. Like Tal said, we all have been there and it DOES SUCK. But it's life, you have to accept the good with the bad and continue on.

It's time for you to MOVE FORWARD. GET BUSY.

--Cali

Thank you all for the advice and support. I was doing pretty well today until the past half hour and I began to get emotional and think of things. Well I am going to try and be strong and move on with my life, even though I know it will not be easy at all.

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do you all believe that if we are meant to be together that things will work out?

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YES I do, but all the evidence shows that is not what she wants, so it is important for you to accept what she feels and let it go and get your own life without her. You can't force anyone to want what you do. If you were mean't to be together now you would be, but your NOT!

Well everyone, thank you all for your support... I have really come to the realization that things happen for a reason and that if we are meant to be we will. We both have to grow and mature so that if we do end up back together sometime, it will really last and be what we want. Hopefully everything will work out and if not, better things will come. I know I have been stubborn with your advice but I really take it to heart and it has helped me through this unknown and difficult time. I will keep you all updated and hopefully one day I can give others advice that was given to me and worked for me. Wish me luck trying to move on in my life and that things work out for the best. Thanks!

I hope you listen and take the advice given, DO NOT contact her under any circumstances. She will not forget you and if she does the she was never coming back anyway,

Most common mistake made here during a break up is Under valuing yourself worrying about weather they will forget aboiut you.

After a long relationship if you treated them well they do not forget memories are not automatically wiped, tghere will be days when she thinks of you and maay even contct you. This does not mean she wants you back it may just be her way of keeping the door open.

If you truly want to know if you are to be together WALK away and ansewer no calls leave her out of your life,

For the more quick you start living life without her the more quick she will realise weather she wants to be part of your life... SIMPLE!! You will have you answer then!!

Hi everyone, today I have been feeling a little better but it has been on my mind all day. I keep telling myself to follow your advice and info but its hard. I really don't want the relationship back , I just want her back and a chance to start fresh, because we really did complement each other well and worked well together. I find it hard to start to move on w/out her but I know this is the correct path for now. I just keep hoping that she will call me and realize she made a mistake, but its probably been too soon for this anyway. I JUST want to PROVE her wrong, and prove to her that she made the WRONG decision. I know I am probably going to have to see her in the near future to square away our cell phone bill and change the plan, we had a joint plan. I don't know how that is going to feel whenver that happens. I just want her to realize that I am special, she knew I was special obviously being with me for 4 years and that she still sees me as someone in her future. Well anyway, I have been on this site all day at work reading other people's stories just to have hope that things work out. I wanted to ask your opinion on another issue, her birthday will be in early November and I don't know if it will be too soon, but I maybe might want to ask her for dinner to talk and see where we stand at that point or just to see how it feels for both of us. I know thinking about this isn't allowing me to move on, but I don't think I am ready to move on yet, I know I should but my hope is consuming me for now. I am not going to call her but I know I will probably talk to her between now and then. I know all of your advice and help is right, its just so hard to actually do it. Thanks again

I feel for you man. We've all been there, hoping, romanticising. Well, that's perfectly normal. Happens to us all. DON'T ACT on your feelings though. Right now, your own brain is malfunctioning when it comes to your ex. You're not letting the rational thoughts stay because you keep replacing them with the stuff you HOPE happens.

Anyway, like I said, anything IS POSSIBLE. But DON'T FORCE THE ISSUE. Don't initiate any contact with her. NONE. And by November, if she hasn't bothered to contact you, LET IT GO. And you KEEP SO BUSY in the meantime, that you force your brain to think about other stuff.

Good luck. MOVE FORWARD. We're all with you on it. We know it's tough.

--Cali

Thanks for the encouragment, I am pretty sure that if I don't call her, she will call me, at least some days. She told me she wants to keep in touch, so let's see if she means it. If she has contacted me by November a few times and we have talked, do I try to do something then? Or try to talk to her about where we stand? Or just maybe take her out with no expectations? I don't want to push her away by any means but I do want to know eventually if she sees us getting back together or trying at least. We are not on bad terms and she even said she is not doing this because I treated her bad or anything like that and that she doesn't want to lose the 4 years we spent together. To me this seems like there is some hope but my vision and feelings may be skewed by my emotional state right now.

Well, she dumped you. If she wants to be with you, LET HER CHASE YOU! You stay cool. Never talk about the break-up. NEVER tell her she's special. NEVER tell her you miss her. You're COOL, BUSY, HAVE A MILLION THINGS going on.

So start with that. Actually find a MILLION THINGS TO DO. After my worst break-up I just worked. I worked all the time. I'm a grad student, so I just focused on my work. It paid way more dividends than thinking of the girl and I did think of her, but while I was being productive. And I NEVER CALLED HER, NOT ONCE. She didn't call either.

Honestly, if she really wants to be with you again, it'll START when she realizes that you ARE LVING YOUR LIFE with or without her. Remember, she's was just a part, maybe a big part, but only a part of your life.

PLAY SPORTS, PLAY POKER, WORK MORE HOURS, HIT THE GYM. All that time you spent on her is now free time. Get busy filling the free time.

And LET HER CHASE YOU! Don't EVER CHASE this girl AGAIN. That's the only way I think. And who knows, while you do all this other stuff, maybe some other cute chick begins to wonder who that BUSY GUY is. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

--Cali

Well today I went out with some friends just to hang out and I felt better at first. We were having fun and stuff but as time went on I began to miss my exgf. I just realized how long it has been since I was out without her and I just missed her being there with me. It was hard to have fun after that because I felt like crap. I know she was probably out too and it just took it out of me. I want to hope that she misses me too, but I don't know. I am starting to really see how hard this is going to be and I don't know if I can handle it and stick to the NC and everything. I really don't know if I am strong enough to do this.

Have you ever heard the saying "If you love something let it free, if it comes back..it was meant to be?" Take heart. You can't make someone love you. Just keep your time occupied... it will help ease the main. Also, focus on the things she did that you hated or that annoyed you. After a month or so, you will feel better. Just keep busy... and not by thinking about her.

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Originally Posted by bummedout4

thanks for the encouragment, I am pretty sure that if i don't call her, she will call me, at least some days. She told me she wants to keep in touch, so let's see if she means it. If she has contacted me by November a few times and we have talked, do i try to do something then? or try to talk to her about where we stand? or just maybe take her out with no expectations? I don't want to push her away by any means but I do want to know eventually if she sees us getting back together or trying at least. we are not on bad terms and she even said she is not doing this b/c i treated her bad or anything like that and that she doesn't want to lose the 4 years we spent together. To me this seems like there is some hope but my vision and feelings may be skewed by my emotional state right now.

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Buddy if she has nor contacted you by November, I would say she is long gone.
She has said it's not because you have treated her bad, she just wants out. People don't always break up on bad terms. She is gone.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Buddy if she has nor contacted you by November, I would say she is long gone.
She has said it's not because you have treated her bad, she just wants out. People don't always break up on bad terms. She is gone.

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Yeah I know that if I don't talk to her by then its most likely done. I am pretty confident that we will talk before then so I am not so much worried about that. I am just hoping that she misses me and eventually realizes that she wants me in her life.

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Originally Posted by star3114

Have you ever heard the saying "If you love something let it free, if it comes back..it was meant to be?" Take heart. You can't make someone love you. Just keep your time occupied...it will help ease the main. Also, focus on the things she did that you hated or that annoyed you. After a month or so, you will feel better. Just keep busy...and not by thinking about her.

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Thanks for the response, I have heard of the saying but these sayings, easy to read and understand, are hard to believe when its happening to you. I hope I start feeling better because I don't know how much longer of feeling like this I can handle.

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Originally Posted by bummedout4

yeah i know that if i dont talk to her by then its most likely done. I am pretty confident that we will talk before then so i am not so much worried about that. I am just hoping that she misses me and eventually realizes that she wants me in her life.

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And she may miss you, but that does not mean she wants to get back with you. She has told you what she wants and you don't want to accept it.

Yeah you are right, I don't want to accept it. I don't think anyone would want to accept that the person you have loved and been with for 4 years doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now even though they say they do still love you and care about you. Its hard to take and it a blow to my self-esteem and self image. It makes me feel like something happened where she felt I wasn't good enough or something. I think she does miss me at times and from my point of view I don't see why we can't be together. I guess it will just take time to see what happens and to make me feel better. I want to believe that the hope I feel inside isn't false hope but who knows. Everyone keeps telling me that if its meant to be it will be. I just wish I knew for sure. I just hope that when I look back at this time in my life, in the future, that I see that it made me stronger and was worth the pain. If that means getting back with her that would be great or maybe something better will come along. The unknown is just very scary for me right now.

Yeah, that is kind of how life is. You don't always know for sure how things will turn out. That is when you have to sit down add things up and then say, "this is not what I want, but it looks like this is the way it's going to be." You take a deep breath and then move on.
People can and do grow out of each other, especially when you are young. You grow, mature and change. This is why I don't advocate marriage for really young people. You can be in love with a person and as you grow and mature your interest change, what you want out of life changes and the person you love may not be the person you want to build a future with. In situations like this people get hurt, but in the long run, things work out for the best.
I'm sure this will be the case for you. Things will work out for the best.