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I was hoping some men can answer a few questions for me.
1: why do men complety ignore women when they are hurting?
2: Why do men always flip a agrument around like they did nothing wronge?
3: if you get in a fight with your women .why is the first things said is to get the hell out?
4: when that happens when the argument is over . Why do you tell that women you love them?
That's all I can think of right now I am sure I will find more questions.
My wife subscribes to this forum and she is standing beside me to ensure that I answer you today...
First, we do not ignore you when you are hurting, this is a wrong perception. We are attempting to get a handle on the situation, in order to find a workable solution to the problem, most times we feel helpless and do not know what to do, our pride keeps us from admitting this to you so we turn away. It is hard for a man to admit that he is helpless in situations, we do not take well to defeat. Sometimes, we do not know what to do, so we yell, scream at inappropriate times, this is our mask of defense; however, we can in time learn to take an offensive position to control the situation as best we could. We do love... we do not always know what women expect us to do. We need help... we need understanding. From my raising, I was taught that a man should protect and provide. I did not understand the need to express myself until I married my wife. She invested herself into me. She remains patient and understanding knowing that I am entering new territory. I can't speak for all men, but I know that I did not submit to her request with ease. I fought her for a long time because I thought she was trying to take over. I felt that she was a threat to me, instead of a help. I had to be without her for an extended period to recognize her actions and words came to help us, not destroy me. We have to mature, we have to find the value in the woman, in the relationship in order to change to make it work. I did a lot of stuff that I am ashamed of; however, my wife does not remind me of my stupid mistakes. She embraces me, helps me to feel good. This is one of the reasons I love her so, I like the way I feel about myself because of her. She knows her place, and I know mine. I must admit, when I was dating I was a complete A-hole searching for the woman that would throw a curve ball into my game, this woman I knew I would notice when I saw her. I did. My wife. I wanted as much as I could get with investing as little of myself as possible. As long as the honey was sweet, I was like a bumblebee, I knew I could eat but when she demand something I was not ready, willing to give. I left. I don't know if this helps you, but it helped me. I have kept peace with my wife. You will be found special in time, don't sell yourself short. Make us value you, then we will value the relationship.
Shenda gave absolutely great advice. The best.
1. Men go into our 'caves' when we're hurting we shut down. We have to think through our problems. You thave to leave us be. We WILL come back. Please just don't push us or it may take longer to come back.
2. Women do this as well. But, MEN negoiate when we communicate. Women converse, women ask questions, when men are done arguing-talking-conversing ----women are just getting gstarted. It's all about communications. Women use 7000 words on average a day. Men use 2000. Men are taught to win - hopefully you meet a guy that will argue appropriately and respect your opionion.
3. Basically because we don't want to deal with you right now. We want to go into our cave - think about things. We don't want to see you at the moment.
4. Because we do.
Yup, shenda you did it again. Please forgive me for thinking you were a woman the first time, but you were so intuned to us that it was just an immediate assumption. Men do feel helpless when we are ill, I know this very well, because my guy is like that - he practically runs away! You just helped me understand that, instead of thinking that men only want us around when we are healthy and available for them. I nurse him when he is ill, but that's probably due to society putting us into the Florence Nightingale category. You always have a knack of hitting the right spot to get me to remember and re-think. Thanks.
Cass, keep on asking, you'll really benefit from this forum, as I have.
3. this is not true. It is a matter of a man's personality. When I get in a fight with someone, I sure don't want them to leave. I want to sort the thing out, hear how the other side saw the whole situation. There's nothing as frustrating for me as when someone doesn't want to tell you why he/she doesn't like something that happened that started the fight.Quote:
Originally Posted by cess
2. I'd say this is something women would do more regularly than men. I don't remember getting in a fight with a woman that would admit she is the guilty one for the fight.
4. I don't say it when I don't mean it. If it's her fault the fight started, and she doesn't apologize, I won't tell her I love her. If it's her fault and she does apologize, and I know she means it - I want to tell her that I accept her apology and that I forgive her. I'm also happy with the way our relationship is going on if we can sort our problems out and see things rationally. "i love you" sounds like a good way of telling her exactly that - I love the way we sorted it out. If it's my fault and I understand it, I'll apologize... but if she insists on arguing, I won't tell her I love her - because I don't want her to keep insisting on something I understand is wrong and have already apologized and said I'll try not to do it again. And I don't "love" her insisting on such things. If I see she took my apology and is satisfied with the way we sorted it out... well, you know the drill already :)
1. This question is unclear ; do you mean when the man is hurting or when the woman is hurting?
2. Because in most instances they probably didn't ; whenever a woman starts an argument with me , rarely if ever did I do anything actually worth arguing about. Most women don't "start arguments" when they've been truly wronged ; instead, they express their hurt and anger with varying degrees of subtlety which eventually becomes direct ; i.e. weeks or months later, they'll outright state "You did 'such and such' and it hurt me."
3. In keeping with #2 above, when a woman starts an argument with a man over a petty issue, he usually doesn't have the patience or energy to deal with it (and rightly so), so he simply flips with "get the hell out" or some similar remark.
4. Because it usually appeases a woman and it's what they want to hear. Also it's because it's usually true.
I can understand them answers I always woundered about them . Don`t worry more questions will come when the next fight does .Which won`t be long. I pin up everything and when I get to full it all comes out . So a big fight happens.I don`t mean to it just happens.
I couldn`t understand why my boyfriend would flip every fight around on me . When the original fight was something he did.I couldn`t understand why he would tell me to get the hell out . I mean as soon as I agree to his terms almost right away he says he loves me. When less the 10 minutes before he wanted me to leaave. I have tried leaving a couple of times but all that happens is he takes the keys to the cars so I walk out and he tells me he is going put my out on the porch and he hopes it rains.
These things bug me the get the hell out most of all because not once did I ever kick him out of my house and now we are living at his . For some bad reasons.he does it every fight.
I don`t know what else to say I am new to all this be sure I will be back next fight.
Cess, if this is the case, why wait till the next fight. Do you like being treated this way or have you never experienced a relationship of any other kind. This is called a cycle or pattern that you obviously learned to 'accept' as normal. It's not! If I were you, I'd seek advice on why you let yourself be treated this way and change your way of thinking. A relationship should give you comfort and the feeling that you can lean on someone and share good times and bad, but not that bad... I'm 54 and still not sure if I found the right one, but I do have warmth and comfort with him, so it just might be. Little spats now and then are normal, and making up can be fun. But if you both constantly argue and try to prove who's the winner here, then something is wrong. We all have choices to make and the steps might be hard financially or emotionally, but think of what you want for the rest of your life. And his threats are so indicative of a person who needs to grow up, kids throw temper tantrums, not grown men! Good luck to you no matter what choice you make.
Well he is only 22 and I am only 24 today. But I have had 2 relationships. Him and my late husband .soon I will post basically my life storry to see if any of you have any advice .believe me when I say this it will be a very long post. Also will take me some time to do . Once I have time alone and it isn't my birthday I will right it . I may post it here maybe start a new thread.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Take your time, use the notepad to write your story and copy and past it to here then. You are too young to be going through the rest of your life with this kind of relationship. Sorry about your 'late' husband. Celebrate and enjoy today and get back with us later. I can sense that you've gone through a lot.
1. Why do men act as if nothing ever happened when a heated argument is over?
2. what is it about a man that makes him not want to get married, even after he has been with a woman for so long
3. For the life of me I just do not know why you guys find sports so captivating
1. We think in LOGIC - NOT FEELINGS/EMOTIONS. Fight over - fight over. Game done. Shake hands. Woman - let there feelings and emotions get involved.
AND - hahaha - eve nthought you THINK you won - we know we won.
2. You were too AVAILABLE - The old saying - WHY buy the cow when you drink milk for free. You weren't hard to get. People WANT wha tthey can't have - ALWAYS. He took you for granted - less respect. You ALWAYS need to be a challenege - ALWAYS - there is NO complete surrender.
3. We play life to win - competition. We communicate in negoiation. Woman communicate to start a great conversation. We want to win!!
You asking the difference between men and woman. Face it - we are not the same - we think differently - ALWAYS. Unless the guy gay.
Hi,
In your original post, with all the questions, are you referring to ALL men?
If so, then ALL men are not like what you asked.
The only thing about "fights" between a man and a woman, is that both can get very upset. It's called "don't ever go to bed mad".
Don't go to sleep mad, then start all over the next morning.
All relationships, whether married or not, can result in "fights", arguments, and sometimes even yelling at each other.
If you love someone, you will apologize to them, both men and women.
After 28 yrs of marriage, I have learned that it's not all a "bed of roses"; but love, caring, and respecting each other can overcome anything!
Other than getting into arguments with each other, I don't agree that All men are as you say.
Best wishes,
fredg
Boy, I was waiting for a chance like this, OK men, get ready.
Fredq has some good points and the roses also have thorns.
But Wildcat - you really did it this time - no offense, we all have opionions like a certain part of anatomy that hardly sees daylight...
So, here goes:
To men: do you really always think logical? NOPE, when in certain stages and high testosterone levels you don't.
As far as competition and always winning - guess again. Most of the time we women LET you win because it's more peaceful that way. And some of you are bigger in size, not mind.
We women are by nature the peacekeepers, but can become lions and capable of worse than you think if our loved ones are threatened. It's just that we don't brag about this and don't insist on winning all the time.
We all do have emotions, the difference there is that we women show them, and you men are tought to suppress them, that's why you drink and fight - using this as a compensation, we women call this an Ego.
I don't judge anyone, and I am very well aware that 'society' expects a lot of you men, and your fathers probably did give you guidance on that particular subject of being a 'man'. But society has also expected that and more from us at the workplace - as we always have to prove ourselves double there, because there are some of you who think we are potential 'toys' at work. I also understand that some men can feel threatened in that, especially if the boss is one of 'us'.
I'm an alcoholic, not toutched a drink for 25 years - I admitted this problem and sought help. - Men seldom admitt this type of problem and think they can 'handle it' most of the time and don't succeed.
Oh, yes we are different, thank goodness. I don't envy you men of today and what's expected of you, but I can read you like a book most of the time as I am intuned to the opposite sex. Those of you who don't make that effort to learn and try to understand our actions/reactions are the ones who loose in the long run.
It gets down to choices, and the efforts humans make to take off those blinders they grew up with - on both sides.
And what the heck is negotiation? - a relationship is not a business deal. It is sharing common interests, humor, kindness and love. And hopefully to procreate to keep man from becoming extinct.
When a woman likes to communicate - she's interested to learn more about you and your feelings, to figure our if you are worth compromising for. Because we women are the ones who wind up doing most of the compromising - so hope that someday you are valuable enough to her to do this, but it must be earned, not demanded.
As far as milking a cow, milk away, but don't dare be calling us slutts because we don't buy a pair of shoes without trying them on first. - get my drift?
I divorced my spouse-beating husband, but was rewarded by a beauriful daughter for that trial period in my life. I've been with the same partner for the last 7 years. The first two were hell, and I left him. Guess who came back, first trying to do little things for me and my daughter, asking if I needed something from the store, still completely the chauvy.. I gave him a second chance because I sensed that he did reflect back and learn from his mistakes and values me the way I am. We treat each other with respect and I even watch sports with him now and then, because I appreciate his efforts and he has gained a notch up that 'value' ladder. We also have our little spats, because making up is fun, and never go to bed angry. He even watches movies with me which he never did before, so you see, there is still hope for mankind.
AIN'T LIFE GRAND WITHOUT THOSE OLD BLINDERS??
Again, I mean absolutely no offense, just like to point out a few of my opinions and hints to those willing to 'be there, do that'. Cause I'm 55 and 'been there, done that'. And I still enjoy communicating and learning more.
By the way, I have gay friends and think they are super. They can show emotions and not feel guilty about them. Another advantage there is that we can have meaningful conversations without the men thinking about only one thing during the whole intercange of interests.
1. It appears they are "hard-wired" differently. Would we really want to live with another woman who could keep up an argument indefinitely?Quote:
Originally Posted by letmeno
2. Why should he? Why pay for and take responsibility for what their woman gives them for free? IMO, women undervalue their services (not just sex) and don't hold out for the brass ring. Plus, we ruin men when we allow them to remain boys - they need equal partners, not mommies (except when sick).
3. Perhaps to drown out their woman's constant nagging? Men aren't put on the face of this earth to be our best girlfriends to whine with; rather our heroes and gladiators.
Becky, who adores her lawfully wedded hero of 36+ years.
Can't believe I'm being so opinionated, sorry. I'll try and stay out of this area of the forum.
Becky, please don't stay out of this area. Your experience can be of value to further issues of the like. Everyone's opinion and advice counts, especially with a 35 year relationship, you sure have some good advice to give... Hang in there!
WOW! After reading what the feminists think about men I'd like to know what they think about every other stereotype out there. I must be racist because I'm republican, right? WRONG. STOP STEREOTYPING HALF OF THE WORLD!! My wife thinks nothing like any of you. She would have many different things to say. Ask poindexter why sports are captivating, I don't think HE"LLl know either.
Hi Schultz... I am far from being a femenist! I am a woman who loves men in spite of being raped three times in my life - which should make me a man-hater, but this is not so. I just understand them better than I did before and know that both sexes have their faults, but when I see the negative attitude of chauvy's I just 'have to say it'. I enjoy a relationship even at my age and it is more fun now than it was during the days of 'playing games'. As they say, 'practice makes perfect', but I believe understanding and respect for each other is and essential part of a relationship. And as I said, we each have opinions, and that's what keeps the world interesting, as well as forums like this.
Hi SSchultz,Quote:
Originally Posted by SSchultz0956
Were referring to my post? If so, I'm actually against the feminist movement as I believe it hurts women and is disrespectful to men. Please point out where I'm being feministic, and I'll recant.
Becky, who is no "Feminista"
These are really good questions that have boggled woman for a very long time. Basically men and woman are different in the way they handle frustrations, anger, saddness any kind of emotional situation. I know from expirence that when Im hurting and it has nothing to do with my husband, he won't even hug me because( as he puts it) if he can't fix the situation then he's uncomfortable in giving me comfort, because in his mind comfort isn't immediately solving the problem. Which a load of crap. But that's not even the case. Sometime we woman just want to vent, remmember we are expressive talkative creatures who easily deal with frustration by voicing it. Nine times out of ten if my husband would just listen to what I had to say and let me"vent" that's all I need and a hug to go along with it. Have you ever noticed that when woman vent to other woman, we listen to each other and then give each other words of advice? I think woman tend to want to give support and advice in hopes that it will help the situation and men want to automatically fix it. In cases when Im sick, My husband actually gets annoyed because Im unable to clean house, go grocery shopping cart the kids around etc.. So nothing gets done and I usually have to do it while I'm not feeling well. But of course when he's sick you would think he was struck with leprosy. He can be a big baby, and I usually am stuck taking care of him as well as everything else. Its very hard for me to not do it. Even though I can't say the same about him. I know not all men are like this and Im not generalizing, but I have talked to other woman about this same subject we are all talking about and many of their responses have been the same as mine in varying degree. But I'm sure there are plenty of questions that boggle men about us :rolleyes:
Wow its pretty f--up when a woman has an opinon she's labeled as a feminist? I don't think anyone here is saying all men are the same way. People are having opinions based on their own unique expirences and that's just it their own opinon!
I do agree, Hanebelle, and when I am ill and can't do much around the house or kitchen, etc, my partner avoids me, but I also understand that in his way he feels helpless because he can't fix it. Men are accustomed to fixing things, and when that is out of their hands, the sky falls and they look for a place to hide or vent out. I know mine does not avoid me, he avoids my illness and his frustrations over it. See what I mean about 'understanding' ? Most of us women do know our men and still love them because those are just little things that no longer need to be ponderred or argued about.. that is just plain facts of life. I take care of my man when he is sick because I like to and not just because 'society' put us in the Florence Nightingale category without even thinking whether we get frustrated or don't like the sight of blood either. How strange, the stereotyping goes both ways. But with a little communication we can all grow to understand each other, it's that simple. With us women, a little hug or holding for a while when we need it does more than just comfort, it helps bond closer.
Chery, I completely agree with you. But its hard not to get frustrated too. I stay at home with the kids and do what any other woman would do and take care of the house. That is a job initself. I really don't expect mucj out of my husband, because he does work hard and is now the main provider of the family. I have the utmost respect for that. But what I don't get is that when he's sick and can't go to work or help with the kids and I drop everything to help him and take care of him (which I do willingly) it isn't returned when I'm under the weather. Im not saying he has to be really happy about it or wait on me hand and foot but to help a little would be nice, especially with the kids the're young so it is hard to keep up with them even more so when Im sick. He seems like it's a big bother for him. Now that frustrates me. Any words of wisdom? :confused:
Actually I should have this as a topic for a post! Its funny how you end up talking about your own issues in response to someone else's. ;)
I still know I am right!
Wildcat,Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Of course you are! ;)
Who said you weren't?
Hannabelle, Becky, and cherry, we need talk show host like you. And invite Wildcat! That would make an interesting show!
Ha!
Hey wondering if you ladies new this. Woman, on average use about 7000 words a day. Men use on average 2000.
When men think the conversation is over, woman are just getting a conversatin started.
Maybe you see why your S/O gives the answers they do.
I know why my gal gabs and gabs and gabs.
Agree. He's cute and adorable. We could have some great fun! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by letmeno
I read these statistics in one of your other post.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
I admit, we do talk a lot, but that is because usually our questions are still unclear. We need answers, who, what, when, where, and why, we need resolution and closure and a crystal clear understanding just what is going on. Women do not like to be left in the dark about anything. We have to know and we have to understand.
Interesting. I agree fully.
Guys are like "short version please!"
Yeah, wildcat I'm sure your right all of the time, I guess we will humor you. Good luck with that attitude Im sure it will get you far. I didn't realize boys in high school were even aware of this topic. You are in high school right? :rolleyes:
Letmeno, we should have a talkshow, I would have so much stuff to say, you know esecially since we love to talk. ;)
To letmeno, and Hanabelle - The idea about the talkshow is not that appealing to me as it is what the last four letters indicate a 'show' and mostly staged. I'd rather have a small group without the noise and interruptions of 'sightseeing audience' who go there to lift themselves up by other peoples' problem's, then going home after having their egos fed.
Wildcat, - you seem to have had a few more words to say in one or two of your posts from January and April too, one was a two-parter... There was no 'short version' there...
I'm assuming that S/O means significant other? Well,some of the answers I get from him are: 1) whatever - when I ask him what I should make for dinner, but I can't seem to find a whatever in the kitchen or supermarket. 2)uhhuh - now that's a great way to get a question answered. When I make two suggestions or more. I could go on here, but we all are familiar with this issue.
Maybe some men don't use many words because they are busy listening to anything else they can on the boob-tube instead of their S/O. Or, their vocabulary treasure-chest is not full enough to find intelligent ways to express themselves. I worked with doctors and helped them write their papers for the AMA and other journals, and they had many more words to say than just 2000 and still appreciated my input and questions for clarification. Oh and I also helped two other men write their books, one a doctor, the other a teacher.
There is another member in this forum, who I thought at first was a woman, (sorry) due to the articulate way he communicates. I did find out his S/O reads his stuff too, they must really have a great relationship and I sometimes envy them.
My significant other probably thinks that I can read his mind and needs no verbal communication - and most of the time he's right. When he is stressed, I know why without even asking so I don't. When I'm stressed, he asks 'what's wrong now', without reflecting on the days' events and maybe coming up with the answer himself. Too busy watching the news or sports, I guess, to check out the vibes surrounding him in his own home.
Unfortunately, from reading your previous posts I am of the opinion you are bitter about something in your past, and just can't get over it. I know your response will be blah, blah, blah, already, but I truly mean no offense. This is just a 'gut feeling' of mine.
To Becky - you stated you are happy with your' S/O for 35 years? Congrats, not all of us are that lucky - you must have tuned in to him from the start, but I bet you also compromised a lot to keep the peace. And he probably was the first man in your life. The fact that you feel the femenist movement did a lot of damage is right. I agree that some femenists go a little too far and berate men in general because I know men are only human too and most do the best they can. Women can be very threatening to those who thought us inferior and as I said before, society demands a lot and some are just not up to it. Society today puts a strain on all of us, man and woman - we just handle it differently.
Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now and let someone else get on it. I think this 'ball' is really rolling and wish more people would jump right in. It's more refreshing than a 'talkshow'. Ta Ta for Now!
hanabelle - I guess you don't know sarcasm.
Hi Cess and welcome,
I whole heartily agree with shenda this really is the way we are.
As far as the "flipping"of the argument goes that is one of our most famous defense mechagnisms(?) " The best defense is a good offense" you are so busy trying to defend yourself that the reason you were mad at us fades.
I will not tell you that everything is going to be OK because I don't know ,but I can say that all relationships that work are because BOTH parties worked at it
Hello tjr, thanks for joining in, and it was good, short and precise. What did you have to go back to school for? Wishing you the best...
We might have gone off the subject a bit, but I am still interested in how you are doing and what your opinion is on this all. Did our little heated debate scare you off, I hope not! It's a universal subject without any real down-pat solutions and/or answers. Just a few examples of opinions but they can help you along the way, so please give us some of your input.
Why thank you for your concern,in answer to your question I am attending school again to get a degree in ceramic engin.
Good for you. It's never to late to learn new things. And when one gets to learn things that are of interest, that makes it all the better.
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