I have been been with my boyfriend for a liitle over two years and have been living with him for a year, and when we first moved in together I went out a lot, mainly in an effort to retain my own identity. I did daft things like not invite him out, meet up with male friends, get drunk and then expect him to pick me up late at night. I was insensitive and inconsiderate basically. He also had worries about the fact I had a myspace, and so I got rid of it. Over the last 6 months or so I have not been out nearly as much, and have made a real effort to consider him and make him part of my social life. We were solid, had a great time together and were planning our futures. It was a real bond. I however was having a rough time with work and got a Facebook as a distraction, to email old (female) schoolfriends. He found out and this has greatly upset him, because of my secrecy and the fact that I did something when I knew might hurt him. He no longer trusts me, and is seeing the whole relationship in a negative light.

About a month ago he split up with me because of this, saying it was too late for apologies and that the face book thing had made him question what he was getting out of the relationship and why he put up with those inconsiderate actions. I shoud stress that he is a very sensitive, considerate and kind person and isn't controlling, he just rightly believes in 'do as you would be done by'.

I don't know how to win back his trust? How can I bring back his positive associations with the relationship? I love him and want to change my patterns of behaviour for the better, and I don't want my stupid mistake to take away two years of wonderful relationship. Please help, I really love this man.

Dear hpallister..

Sorry you messed up something by just being you, but we all make our mistakes and learn from them.

If he has not contacted you since the break-up and is leading his own life, let him be. He has put up with a lot - and you admitt this - and is not ready to continue with this and I don't think you should expect him to.

The only way you can get him to understand your regret and accept that you are willing to change is by your attitude and actions. No amount of reassuring words will convince him.

Again, actions speak louder than words, so you could make it evident by your behaviour. However, don't be surprised if he is no longer interested.

Take what you've learned from this and go on with your life as best as you can.

Good Luck.

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Thanks Chery, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
He does still ask to see me occasionally, and keeps in contact, but seems very confused - I suggested couple's counselling and he said he'd think about it.

I just don't really know how my actions can tell him much at the moment - as we're not in a relationship, I can't prove that I won't be inconsiderate, if you know what I mean?

Sure do..

But I see something positve in this, he said he'd think about the couples therapy.. if this happens, you will be able to show him the changes you are going through, and might be able to grasp a lot more.

I think it would benefit the both of you. But if he does not go for it, then try it out yourself - it certainly can't hurt. When he knows you are doing all you can he just might consider another go at the relationship.

It will take work and time, but it might just give you the reward you seek.

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Actions do speak louder than words, I can't emphasise this enough! If you want him back do the action bit. ;]

In the mean time I would give him some space for a number of months and concentrate on improving you and what you want from life. Don't rush into anything new either without thinking it over.

I hope you have learned from the experience. I doubt if he will take another chance on your improvements though, and why should he? Fact is you should have done the change thing when you first moved in, and now it's a little late. No reason not to change for the better though as you never know what the future holds, with him or some one else.

I think you could get him back.
But I am not sure you wouldn't hurt him again.

It sounds like deep down inside you feel you are a bit too young to settle on one person and you love him as a friend but want your freedom. So, you might want to let him go to save him heartbreak... Can you live without Facebook and as fun of a social life as you'd like?

Thank you so much for your thoughts...

I definitely can live without Facebook - it was only an innocent way of emailing friends, and I'm off it now anyway. As for my social life - I think I want my idependence but also want to include him more and be more considerate. I was young and foolish before I guess.

I'm more than ready to settle down with him, would do anything to make that possible - he really is great. He just seems so generally confused and unhappy with life at the mo - he's had a tough year job-wise and lacks a social life of his own I guess.

I am having counselling and I'm working through things gradually.

I guess to leave him to think is best but I'm worried he might feel I'm again not letting him be a part of my life... as he stated this was the problem? You're right, actions do speak louder than words, but I don't know whether to be a friend, or let him be alone with all this?

He might have had a rough year but he overcame that. He might not have a social life yet, but I'm sure he can work on that all by himself. He might at some point approach you again with friendship or more on his mind... but you have to leave that up to him. Don't force yourself in his face, give him space and let him make his own choices. If and when he does approach you, be friendly, casual and don't bring up the past.. it's too early.

Give your therapy sessions time, yourself time, and him time to digest what is happening to his life.


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How old are you?

24, nearly 25. He is 26.

I would give it a little time. If you are sure... try again.

But make it clear how you have changed and be honest with yourself...
Do you really want him and what he likes... or just a friend and less compromise.
If a friend, that can happen LATER... Not now.
If more than a friend, then ask him to lunch to discuss things.

Oh definitely more than a friend, we have (or had, maybe) a really deep love for each other and he's a gorgeous person. He just is so insecure and used to get quite jealous unnecessarily, mainly out of fear rather than possesiveness. Living together was amazing, despite my stupid mistakes and his insecurities.

He loved me so totally and genuinely and only a couple of months ago we were planning our lives together... can he have fallen out of love with me that quickly?

It's about you... not him. If you get back together you have to want to compromise -
And he will have to as well.

Can you REALLLY spend a life with his insecurities??

Can you? Do you want to? Were they valid or not?
Or was it just his attention to you that you miss?

Do you want to date other people?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hpallister

and when we first moved in together
I went out a lot, mainly in an effort to retain my own identity.
I did daft things like not invite him out,
meet up with male friends,
get drunk and then expect him to pick me up late at night.
I was insensitive and inconsiderate basically.

I however was having a rough time with work and got a Facebook as a distraction, to email old (female) schoolfriends. He found out and this has greatly upset him, because of my secrecy and the fact that I went ahead and did something when I knew might hurt him. He no longer trusts me, and is seeing the whole relationship in a negative light.

---

Just a little reminder of all his insecurities.. when did you have the time to be 'amazing' together?

Let's face it, it was all about you then, and probably still is now. So, take the time you have to yourself and work on a few things. If you want someone in your life, you must be willing to reach out and share.

When you were stressed, you should have shared this with him and given him the opportunity to comfort you, instead of seeking comfort elsewhere.

It's time to stop seeking distractions and start learning about the real you.

Good luck, and keep us updated on your therapy.

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I know what you mean, you both make really valid points. I guess I am only looking at it from my perspective, although day by day I see more from his. The amazing times were when we'd laugh, we went away together to lots of great places and always had loads of fun, we were just at peace with each other if you know what I mean. His insecurities always seemed to come at a time when he was doubting himself, i.e. with jobs etc. He has had a hell of a lot of upheaval this year. I guess now I need to be a friend to him and understand where he's coming from, without any hidden agenda or selfish wants. I just hope for the best.

Hi, hope someone can help me, below is a quote from a previous post I made about a week ago...
[QUOTE=hpallister]I have been been with my boyfriend for a little over two years and have been living with him for a year, and when we first moved in together I went out a lot, mainly in an effort to retain my own identity. On a few occasions I did daft things like not invite him out, meet up with male friends, get drunk and then expect him to pick me up late at night. I was insensitive and inconsiderate basically. He also had worries about the fact I had a myspace, and so I got rid of it. Over the last 6 months or so I have not been out nearly as much, and have made a real effort to consider him and make him part of my social life. We were solid, had a great time together and were planning our futures. It was a real bond. I however was having a rough time with work and got a Facebook as a distraction, to email old (female) schoolfriends. He found out and this has greatly upset him, because of my secrecy and the fact that I did something when I knew might hurt him. He no longer trusts me, and is seeing the whole relationship in a negative light.
About a month ago he split up with me because of this, saying that the face book thing had made him question what he was 'getting out of the relationship' and why he put up with those inconsiderate actions. I shoud stress that he is a very sensitive, considerate and kind person and isn't controlling, he just rightly believes in 'do as you would be done by'.

Today he texted me saying he would be moving his stuff out of our flat, where he's been staying in the month since our breakup, this week (which he had said he would do last week) and would I like to meet on Friday to sort everything (rent, etc I presume) out. Things is, I'm not sure how to behave- should I leave the subject of the relationship completely alone or should I address the issues I'm currently talking through with my therapist? He seems to be trying to ween himself off me- I sometimes feel as though he's putting the good side of our relationship out of his mind on purpose if you know what I mean? :confused: He very much seems on the defensive. I don't really know how to handle this for the best? Any advice would be gratefully received...

It sounds like he's pretty much made up his mind that it's over. I'd just let him come, get his belongings and tend to business. Don't mention the relationship or discuss any personal business. Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say.

Hello.

Be nice to him but don't be overly nice. In other words no SEX... If there is a chance for a new start with him it will have to be after you both have time to relax and work through all the past problems. This is the time to show him your strong and will make it without him in your life. You will feel much better about yourself if you do. Remember he is going to be scared also so don't be surprised if he acts like a jerk because that might be the way he is hiding his feelings. If he is nice then be nice back, if he is a jerk then show him the door but don't fight with him, your better then that.

Dennis777

There's this massive part of me though that wants to put my side of the story across, hoping that he can see the reason's why I did things from my perspective. I know that's kind of selfish but I feel he's being a bit single minded - i.e. he's not looking at the bigger picture... Would this be stupid at this point in time?

Hello.

The problem is right now is not the right time to talk it out unless he brings it up. I know its hard but you have to show him how strong you are so he doesn't think he has the control over you to get what he wants and or get you back any time he wants you.

Dennis777

I need some hope...

My boyfriend and I lived together for a year, we were planning to spend our lives together and a month ago he broke up with me saying he needs to change his life on his own and he can't say whether he sees his future with me. He's moving out of our flat this week, having stayed there since the break up, never wanting to talk to anyone about what happened.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Do I just give up? I can't believe this is the end of two great years with a man who loved me more than I've ever known. I'm seeing him Friday to sort out practicalities of moving out.

Let me give you my 1.5 cents worth from a guy's perspective. Do NOT call or attempt to contact him. If it goes a month, then he's probably for whatever reason just lost interest. If he does contact you, then there is hope.

Either way it's good for you since you'll be discovering his true feelings.

READ THIS FIRST: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

Don't panic - but don't freeze.

I have seen reunions after a month, 2 months, a year... but only after (ironically) one person has the guts to move on... then the reunion has value and perspective.

Do I need to talk to him about the resons for the break up now or do I leave the subject alone for the time being?

Talk about everything now and get everything off your chest before you start NC.

Its most probably over.

<Do I just give up? >
He has given up hope and now you need to do the same.
You need to let go and heal and get a life you enjoy without him.

<Has anyone experienced anything similar?>

I experienced something very similar last year from almost married to single within a week.

It was hard ,especially with all the mixed signals I got... and him contacting me every 3 weeks for 5 months after the breakup did not help either.

You can read my post here , incidentally I also posted with a title similar to yours.

I eventually had to start NC to get on with my life,that was a year ago now.

My advice is don't stay stuck in denial , you need to accept its over and move on as best as you can.

I know you probably have a million questions in your head that you will probably never get answers to.

Take care and come here to vent or if you feel like breaking NC.

I was in a very similar situation about 2 1/2 months ago. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years decided he needed to figure out his life... grow up... blah blah. For 2 weeks we kept talking and tried begging and pleading... I got everything off my chest I could during that time and then went NC. That's the best thing you can not only do for the situation but also do to help yourself heal. Because, honestly, there's NOTHING you can do to win him back. Its not about you, its about him... and he needs to figure things out on his own.

After 2 1/2 months apart and about 1 month of NC... my boyfriend started calling again saying "how breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life, all he wants is me..blah". Its only been about a week of us seeing each other again and to be honest, I don't know if things are going to work out between us. I'm trying to play it cool as much as possible and now I'm trying to figure out if I really want to be with him all the time.

I should mention that this is somewhat of a rare case, and generally the ex doesn't come back. So the point of NC is not to win your ex back but to heal yourself and get over all the crazy emotions you are going to go through. Believe I was there, I was unbelievably miserable for well over a month and didn't know how I'd possibly get through... but I did.

Oh, you just have to be strong and that is the hardest thing to be at this time.

Went through something similar to this about 6 years ago. It was the end of a marriage. He went to a study abroad and came home and just "didn't want to be married anymore." I of course, begged for a day or two, but then I realized, why would I want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me? So I moved out and moved on.

He did some back 4 months later, but by that time, it was too late. I had healded and I realized he wasn't all that to begin with. I know it is hard now, but you will make it. Don't settle.

Thanks so much, I think I'm blaming myself for so much, am getting counselling, just wish he could see more clearly- he's not behaving like the person I know at all, even his parents agree with me. I even found his newly acquired porn the other day, whih is totally out of character -don't know if I should confront him with this or not though? Just want to make something click inside his mind even though I know I can't.

Don't confront him with anything.

I guess the porn is a distraction for him.

You just look after yourself.

You made an error here. You do not see the real him...and that is important for you.

That is NOT why he is breaking up though - it is because he is being himself and wants space. He is not bad and you are not bad... You are just in different places right now.


Porn is HIM... That's part of your growth as much as him.

He wants porn and to date and to move out... that's the reality.
That is HIM.

Let him move. Be polite. Don't bug him. After not contacting him for a while, he will contact you with some closure info I'd bet...

**Any other action on your part will bring more problems...

When you say closure info what do you mean? I do agree with you that I've got to let him move on, I recognise that there are things that need to change for him before we could ever consider starting again - I just feel like he's looking to change all the external things instead of looking at himself - he was very insecure and untrusting from the start.

I mean at some point if you can MAKE yourself not talk/bug him....he will likely communicate.

Then that info you can use with him or in a new relationship when dealing with a man.

This is him... really... and as for porn - it's not a deathly sin.
Let him move out... focus on yourself... and have noo contact.
If you never talk again, that is your answer: he is too immature and disrespectful to deal.
If he does talk some day, he can explain more why he moved out.

I know this sux, but if someone isn't the "bad guy" neither of you get what you really deserve! A true love!

Many times people do get back together, but many times they will just break up again. You don't hear about people getting back on the boards because they are to busy being back with their EX. But why do that to yourself?

I know of two family members who got back with their ex's and have been together ever since, one of them married. Anyway time had passed in each occasion and were talking years here of NC.

I got back with my ex twice after a week of nc in each occasion. Hey guess what it didn't work out and that was I think like 8 or 9 months ago.

The only sure way of being happy either way is through NC. & there is evidence to prove it above ^. My family members one had a few serious gf's and the other was married before both got back with their ex's.

Thanks guys, really good of you to reply, I d appreciate it. Went to the flat last night and he's taken nearly everything apart from the gifts I gave him when we were together, if felt like such a punch in the stomach, like he's exorcising me from his life or something. I just keep going over and over all the things I did wrong in my mind. No contact sounds good - just wish all the practical stuff with the flat didn't have to get in the way of me getting on with NC. Aaarghh. We had such a great friendship even before we got together, now it seems he's willing to even throw that away too.

NO conyact at all...

Give yourself every chance let him no what its like to not see you.

He will feel the void you leave...

Do people really feel that void or do they just harden their hearts to it? I feel as though he's denying that the last two years ever even happened.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hpallister

He's moving out of our flat this week, having stayed there since the break up, never wanting to talk to anyone about what happened.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Do I just give up? I can't believe this is the end of two great years with a man who loved me more than I've ever known. I'm seeing him Friday to sort out practicalities of moving out.

---

You did not reciprocate the same then, and he's moving on... LET HIM.


Almost all adults on this earth have experienced something similar. It is part of life's lessons that we need to learn if we are not totally apathetic or brain dead. It's just a fact.

Now, what we do with all of this information (negative or positive) when it happens is what makes us what we are. We develop into people with perspective, people with caring emotions, people who set goals in their lives according to the things we learn. We go to school to learn reading, writing and arithmetic... but to learn about social, political, emotional interactions we have to go through them and feel them to finish our education. Yes, we read about history, political science, and we read 'love stories' in books... but it is a far cry from living it all. When we don't want to read, we don't pick up the book... but we cannot ignore and put our emotions on the shelf just because they are too painful or inconvenient to us. We have to feel them, and we have to deal with them, like it or not. How we deal and recover is somewhat up to us.. Take it from those who have been there, it's doable.. you can recover and move on. It's those first steps that are the hardest. We will help you through them as much as we can.

So, back to reality - you put him through a lot in the past and he is breaking away.. let him. The world will not come to an end. If you look at it from a different view other than the one you have now, and work on yourself (primary goal here) you will come to the same conclusion in time.

Again, time will be a big factor here.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_15_57.gifBye a new hat, a new CD, go to a movie, get busy living your life, step by step.