So I've read 100's of questions and their answers on here, and while they helped I figured I would throw my own story out here. I guess I already know what the answers are going to be but it might feel nice to type the story out one last time.

We dated for 10 months, lived together for last 3-4. It was the best 10 months I've had (well the first 9) in a long long time. There was never a problem, no fights etc. She was so infatuated with me that I was worried what would happen if I ever had to break up with her. 2 months ago, she gets a new job working at a warehouse, and within a week becomes slightly distant. I hope its something else, but I slowly get the signs that she's losing interest. We go on a vacation on the long weekend, and she's on her phone texting her 'aunt' all weekend, and guarding her phone with her life. We come back, and the next morning her phone rings while she's in the shower, I take a look and I'm blown away by the message I see. Its from someone she works with telling her that he has the 'hotel room' booked for sept something or other weekend. Curiosity gets the best of me, and there's a couple other from this guy leaving no doubt about what's happening.

I confront her about it and she lies for a good 3 hours (man she's good), crying saying she wasn't going to go through with it, how she was going to tell him to screw off, how he's disgusting etc. Seriously 3 hours. I tell her that she has to move home for a while as I'm pretty hurt by how far it made it anyway. We part somewhat amicably, but the next night she sends me a text saying 'i want to come home so bad baby' and another one 'I think I'm ready to do anything to prove how much I love you'. She then 'proves' it by not answering her phone after work nor coming home like I thought she would. She comes home the next day at 3, and is a different person. She goes on a rant about finding herself, blah blah, and we pack up her car with most everything we can fit. (I am pretty upset at this point but trying to keep my composure). We don't talk for 5 days, and then she phones me saying she really wants to talk, and I ask her about what because I was sick of the drama. She says "i really want to get back together etc" and comes over later that night. She comes over, starts crying and says "I hope you didnt think I came over to get back together" (which blew my mind) and then she goes on telling me she has been with the guy (yes sexually) for the last 4 out of 5 days. I don't think I've ever been so hurt in my life. I knew it was done, and she leaves after an hour of HER crying. The thing that hurts I think the most is that she picked up with this guy within the hour of leaving me. They have been in a 'serious' relationship since.


I stop calling her after that aside from one drunk angry phone call, she moves her stuff out and I start down the road to healing. About a week later she phones me at night, telling me her car is 'dead'. I ask her what's going on and she was in a car accident (karma I will never doubt you again). After finding out what happened and that she wasn't hurt, I let her know to not call me again, and to call her new boyfriend since that's his job to take care of her now and not mine. I know that gave her a huge shock, but I meant it. Its been about 12 days now and its been great not talking to her, because every time I did I went back to day zero.

The stupid thing that's driving me crazy though, is the fact that I still miss her, and think about her a lot. I don't have anything to latch on to anger wise except for what she did in the last couple weeks of our dating. I know I could never take her back (my family/friends/myself would hate me) and it would show a complete lack of respect for myself. Her true self came out near the end there, and it scares me to think about what other stuff she's lied about because she did it so smoothly. I just can't get her off my mind though and its driving me insane. It's like I want her to come back, even though I know it wouldn't work anyway. I want to train my mind to instantly change topics every time I think about her, but its an uphill battle.

Leave the past behind and get stronger alone with no contact.

It is an up hill battle and it's going to take longer than 12 days. You are on the right track though. Be proud of yourself for being strong. It's been 7 weeks since my ex boyfriend left me for someone else and I'm not even close to being over it. I'm not a zero anymore but I'm at best at a 2. If the scale is 0-10 then looks like I have a long long way to go.

cαn you sαy psycho... she's here there everywhere-- mαke sure she tαkes her pills with her αnd let the door hit her where the good lord split her...

She lies, betrαys, αnd cheαts on you-- hun you cαn do better... even α lonely old mαn cαn do better.. omgsh I would sαy run.. put her stuff in boxes αnd leαve them outside so you cαn αvoid contαct..

Wow-- 10 months not so bαd though imαgine some people go through 10 yeαrs of this..

Good luck buddy--- you'll be wwwαααyyy wαααyyy better off without her-- WAY!

You did the right thing for sure. You respected yourself and got rid of someone who disrespected you.

Just stay on the course you are on now. Hang out with your friends and do "Your" thing. Pick-up some old hobbies or get some new ones. Go to the gym. Do you.

Just know that it only natural to miss her. She was part of your everyday life and now there is a little void where she used to be. But she didn't deserve to be in your life after what she pulled.

If she calls... don't pickup. If she comes over... tell her to go away. If she sends you an email... respond and tell her to eat sh&t. She lost the right to be heard. She doesn't deserve anymore of your time.

Josh

Unfortunately some folks get hooked into the wild ride of the highs and lows of these terrible relationships - adrenaline junkies/control freaks, etc. and miss it when life goes to normal.

you don't deserve her!! You won't sleep and wake up the next morning and there u forgot her , nah it won't happen like that , it will take a while , it will hurt , but you can do it
you've gone 12 days without her u can hold on for more than that and eventually u will forget her , as far as you don keep contact with her you'll get over her and after your over her and all that stuff you'll find the "one"

good luck!! =]

Yeah her stuff is gone and has been for I think 3 weeks, she's off the lease, her email/# are erased, MSN blocked etc I haven't 'seen' her for a month luckily. I think I'm more angry at myself for the fact that I still miss her after what she did, than her. I don't like the fact that I still think about her every minute. It makes me feel... weak? I don't know if that's the right word.

I have been focusing on myself the last few weeks, something happened the last few days that made me have to start again, don't know what. Ive gotten a new car, made new friends, gotten into better shape, and am registering for school soon. Still tough though, and as horrible as it sounds it makes it better to know there are millions of people going through this right now.

Also I'm getting into the 'how did I not see her for who she was' back when I met her phase. It scares me to think my judgement was so poor. But at least maybe next time I will see(aka not ignore) the warning signs (and there were plenty in hindsight).

Well now you hαve gotten wiser.. now you know whαt not to do or how not to seek in your next relαtionship..

Do yourself α fαvor though.. be single for α while --αnd hαve fun!

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Originally Posted by madaman

Yeah her stuff is gone and has been for I think 3 weeks, shes off the lease, her email/# are erased, MSN blocked etc I havent 'seen' her for a month luckily. I think im more angry at myself for the fact that I still miss her after what she did, than her. I dont like the fact that I still think about her every minute. It makes me feel ... weak? I dont know if thats the right word.

I have been focusing on myself the last few weeks, something happened the last few days that made me have to start again, dont know what. Ive gotten a new car, made new friends, gotten into better shape, and am registering for school soon. Still tough though, and as horrible as it sounds it makes it better to know there are millions of people going through this right now.

Also im getting into the 'how did i not see her for who she was' back when I met her phase. It scares me to think my judgement was so poor. But at least maybe next time I will see(aka not ignore) the warning signs (and there were plenty in hindsight).

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They say that people when are in love are "blind" so maybe you had that , I don't know
Its pretty good thought that you didn't talk to her in about a month that's good , think possitive and it will work out and you'll move on :)

Your in love with who she was or who you thought she was. The longer you hold on to your obsession the longer it will take to move forward. The person you were with is not the same person as she is anymore.

No contact will work miracles for you. Best to delete all forms of contacting her, msn, Facebook, phone numbers (stops those drunk calls), emails + all reminders of her and presents or photos. We all have different periods of mourning and it make take you a longer or shorter time but life will get back to normal! Hey there's even lots of benefits to singlehood. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Time to pour all the love into you now.

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Also I'm getting into the 'how did I not see her for who she was' back when I met her phase. It scares me to think my judgement was so poor. But at least maybe next time I will see(aka not ignore) the warning signs (and there were plenty in hindsight).

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You've aleady learned something that will help in the future, and now be patient with yourself, and stay busy rebuilding your life without her. In time you will feel great, and be wiser for the experience.

I am really glad at what I've learned in the last year, and I know I will be a much better person later on. Its just getting to that point that's going to be the battle. The NC thing isn't going to be a problem, I have seen the effects of breaking it during a previous breakup. Ive always over analyzed everything all my life, this is the one time I need to find a way to stop.

The one problem I have is that I make some progress mentally, and then slip back down for no known reason. I almost feel crazy that I could miss someone who could do this to me. Its like I should be angry, and move on because I found out who she really was, but I can't do it like that. Does this even make sense?

Im considering therapy because this is getting ridiculous. I know I have issues from growing up that may be contributing to how bad I am reacting to this situation, which might be why I can't make any progress.

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Originally Posted by madaman

The one problem I have is that I make some progress mentally, and then slip back down for no known reason. I almost feel crazy that I could miss someone who could do this to me. Its like I should be angry, and move on because I found out who she really was, but I can't do it like that. Does this even make sense?

Makes a lot of sense and believe me it's perfectly normal , we have all been through this phase , don't fret madaman this phase will pass as well , but time is the biggest healer

Im considering therapy because this is getting ridiculous. I know I have issues from growing up that may be contributing to how bad I am reacting to this situation, which might be why I can't make any progress.

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If you think that could help , or even just make you feel better by all means have therapy , certainly can't hurt

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Originally Posted by madaman

The one problem I have is that I make some progress mentally, and then slip back down for no known reason. I almost feel crazy that I could miss someone who could do this to me. Its like I should be angry, and move on because I found out who she really was, but I can't do it like that. Does this even make sense

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Hi madaman, It makes sense to me, I'm going through the same thing. I make progress and then slip back. And feeling crazy for missing him after what he's done to me, I know exactly what that's like. But maybe its just a normal part of the healing process. But hey I look at it this way, I have every right to miss what I had with this man. I invested a lot of years and they were good ones. What he's done now can't take away my good memories. Those are mine forever.

So how do you really gauge your process? I feel 'worse' sometimes, but compared to the first month, there is no way that its on par, since I'm able to talk to people at work without stumbling over my words. I go back and read what I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago and I don't feel the same way, I guess that's progress?

I think I may be mentally not letting myself let go of her though, it's a real battle to just not think about the good times, which then lead to the 'why' question. What I wouldn't give right now to have complete control over my mind.

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Originally Posted by madaman

So how do you really gauge your process? I feel 'worse' sometimes, but compared to the first month, there is no way that its on par, since im able to talk to people at work without stumbling over my words. I go back and read what I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago and I dont feel the same way, I guess thats progress?

I think I may be mentally not letting myself let go of her though, its a real battle to just not think about the good times, which then lead to the 'why' question. What I wouldnt give right now to have complete control over my mind.

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Hi madaman
Yes you are making progress and the Journal idea is a good one. Thinking about the good times is a natural reaction and with time that will also subside , however try not to concentrate on the good times at the moment , think about what she has done to you and how she has made you feel , that sort of person doesn't deserve your efforts ot thoughts.

Play the whole tape, the good and the bad!!

I agree, it is important to not just look at the good moments. I don't know if it's a good sign or not, but I'm just getting sick of thinking about her in any light. I tell myself I won't think about her today, but as you probably know its impossible.

My biggest thing is that anyone who would do this to me isn't worth the brain time, but its really hard to make that thought stick.

One sign of progress is that I used to mark down each day without talking, now I can go a day or two without remembering to mark the days down. Can't wait to just forget to do it outright. Its still unbelievably tough, but I look back on the pain from a month ago and this is only a fraction thank goodness.

You are on the right track and the fact you know what you have to do is helping you. It is extremely tough as you say but you are progressing well. Keep it up and remember what she has done to you and how she has made you feel!

One thing I've been pondering is when do you stop seeing them as the person you interacted with on a daily basis, and just another 'ex'. When I think about my previous ex, there is NOTHING there, no pain, just a memory really (and that was the first big one, took a year to get over). When I think about the one I'm trying to get over right now, if I think about her (as in the person I lived with, talked to) it really hurts, but if I just see her as person X, its not so bad...

I guess I would like to know, are there any tricks you can do in your mind to stop thinking in detail about the person? I try and change my minds 'subject' whenever it starts thinking about her, but there's got to be an easier way.

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Originally Posted by madaman

One thing ive been pondering is when do you stop seeing them as the person you interacted with on a daily basis, and just another 'ex'. When I think about my previous ex, there is NOTHING there, no pain, just a memory really (and that was the first big one, took a year to get over). When I think about the one im trying to get over right now, if I think about her (as in the person I lived with, talked to) it really hurts, but if I just see her as person X, its not so bad...

I guess I would like to know, are there any tricks you can do in your mind to stop thinking in detail about the person? I try and change my minds 'subject' whenever it starts thinking about her, but theres got to be an easier way.

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I think the main thing is to stay busy. Go out, have fun, work, go to the gym, whatever it is that you do. Continue to meet new people. Don't compare them to her (although at times it's hard). Live your life as though there are no tomorrows. Don't regret what's happened, use it to better yourself.

If your looking for an easy way out, there is none. Painful as it is you must accept that you have to move on, and rebuild your life, and self confidence without her.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

If your looking for an easy way out, there is none. Painful as it is you must accept that you have to move on, and rebuild your life, and self confidence without her.

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You know what, I agree 110% with everything you say in everyone else's threads, so logic tells me to listen to what you say to me! I really wish emotions would stop trying to override logic... It's the battle of my mind.

Good for you! Don't beat yourself up! Do whatever it is that makes you feel good, and if you have the patience, try meditation-that %$#^ will change your life and the way you look at things and react. Intention is everything. Love yourself, it will illuminate your life.
I am in a similar situation where the ex is hanging out with the ex best friend. It really sucks, but this is when we find our true strength, and it is beautiful!

CHEERS!

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Originally Posted by madaman

I guess I would like to know, are there any tricks you can do in your mind to stop thinking in detail about the person? I try and change my minds 'subject' whenever it starts thinking about her, but theres got to be an easier way.

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I wish there was a trick. I'd pay top dollar for imformation on how to get him out of my mind. I know how you feel because his life and mine were so intertwined that even when I go out and do different things I think about the fact that he's not doing whatever it is with me. It kind of feels to me like losing your right arm and every time you go to use it you have to remind yourself OH YEAH I don't have that ARM anymore. So not being with him only reminds me daily that I'm not with him. Does that make sense?

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Originally Posted by MissingHim2Much

I wish there was a trick. I'd pay top dollar for imformation on how to get him out of my mind. I know how you feel because his life and mine were so intertwined that even when I go out and do different things I think about the fact that he's not doing whatever it is with me. It kinda feels to me like losing your right arm and everytime you go to use it you have to remind yourself OH YEAH I don't have that ARM anymore. So not being with him only reminds me daily that I'm not with him. Does that make sense??

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Unfortunately, it makes perfect sense. When you have done everything with that person, and then they are gone, you almost look to see them there the next time you do anything. Its driving me crazy.

Im honestly just trying to "villain'ify" her in my head/memory, I have two choices when I think about her one to be sad, and the other to be mad. I would much prefer to be angry at her for what she did to me behind my back.

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Originally Posted by madaman

Unfortunately, it makes perfect sense. When you have done everything with that person, and then they are gone, you almost look to see them there the next time you do anything. Its driving me crazy.

Im honestly just trying to "villain'ify" her in my head/memory, I have two choices when I think about her one to be sad, and the other to be mad. I would much prefer to be angry at her for what she did to me behind my back.

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To say this is driving me crazy is an understatment, I'm usually such a rational person. But nothing about the way I think anymore is rational. I'm afraid if I don't get over this soon I'm not going to come out of this as the same sane person I used to be. And your right about the sad and mad thing. Being sad for 5 minutes then mad the next is exhasting.

You sound like a very intelligent person who is on the road to healing. The reason why you miss her is because as humans we do not like change, even if it is a good change. Its more comforting being in the drama that you got used to (because of her) rather than actually realize she's gone. Also you were with her for 10 months so you got used to seeing her everyday and its in those moments you miss her. This will pass too. Follow your gut instinct. Do not let her back into your life, even as a friend. Believe me, she will call you again because she sounds like a drama queen who thrives on attention. If you talk to her she will say more hurtful things to you about that guy she's seeing. Do not let her back in. Continue on the path to recovery. God bless.

Thanks, I think the only way I'm getting through this as fast as I am is because I did all the WRONG things with the last girl after we brokeup, and it took a year (which I'm not willing to waste on a girl who did this to me this time). As for her calling me in the future, I would be surprised because I let her know exactly what I thought about her and the type of person she is when we last talked. Who knows though, I certainly wouldn't answer if she phoned. I do miss her so much its not even funny, but I think I truly know that things would never work out with her and to let go of the dreams I had for a life with her. Its incredibly tough though!

Minor update:
Started seeing a psychologist last week, and I can see a benefit to it once we talk a bit more. Its really nice having someone to talk to face to face again (friends are sick of hearing about it).
Went on a date, it was fun and great at taking my mind off things for a while.

I find it so hard to 'truly' let go of the hope of being with my ex again though, I catch myself drifting off into thoughts of us together again in the future and I hate it. If I start thinking that, then all the bad thoughts snowball. I know I could never take her back anyway even if she did want to come back. It just hurts so much to think that she can be so happy right now. Its almost like I want her to be suffering like me.

Thinking about her is seriously tiring me out, I wake up and just dread the first thought that will start it all. Its like serious exhaustion.

Take your time, as replacing her in your mind with other less "exhausting" thoughts, will not happen over night. Every time My ex snuck into my thoughts I would get up and do something and before long It become easier to reject her. It's a good way to keep your shoes polished and shirt ironed, if nothing else. You could even set aside certain task just for when you need them, but it will get better with time.

Thank you, I do try the distraction route (cleaning the house).

Getting over someone has to be the weirdest thing. Its not like digging a ditch where you know where you are progress wise, and when you will be done. I have been told to not suppress the pain, to let the thoughts out, and eventually it will go away. Its so weird that you DO think about the person and eventually they will go away. In my mind truly I want to get over her and move on and I know I will be some day, it just really sucks that you can't skip the 'X months of hell' and get to the feeling better part sooner. I guess I'm always looking for shortcuts.

The fact that she cheated on me and lied to my face about it should be enough to make me seeth with anger, but I can't focus on that and it really bugs me.

The messed up thing is that when we started dating, I knew it wouldn't last due to a big age/maturity difference (I was 24, she was 18, I know pretty stupid of me) but somewhere along the way I fell in love. About her, her mom died when she was 12, her dad left her. I think she did the same thing with her last boyfriend when she met me, and that she really has no friends except those of who she is dating. Hell, I worked with her for a year before we dated and saw how much of a flirt she was with other guys when her boyfriend wasn't around, I'm so stupid!

I only share this information because I want others to see the mistakes I made and the facts I chose to ignore.

She LIED TO YOU and she CHEATED on you , focus on those things whenever you start thinking about her. I found whenever I was struggling and thinking about her it was because I was focusing on the GOOD things ,I got rid of that feeling on many occasions (and still do) by switching my thoughts to the bad things she had done and how BAD she had made me feel. It works for me!

You guys are all so great, Im glad I have this forum to read whenever I start to feel desperate to do something stupid. Thank you for all the advice to date, I can't wait until this whole episode is over and I am happy again.

Patience my friend , it all takes time. But it will get better I promise!

I know a big part of a breakup is some inner thought and finding out what you did that you probably shouldn't do again in the next relationship etc. I just want to know where do you draw the line? I think back and I realize there are some traits/actions which were not healthy for the relationship that may have not ended things, but definetely didn't help. I know its not good to blame, but its also important to realize true mistakes and prevent them from happening again so you become a better person. I start to border on the 'if I had only done this different' thoughts and it snowballs, but I know I need to think about these things some time.

Im almost 99% focused on myself and the future, but a little part of me keeps thinking about her and how I could have done things differently. I don't think its healthy for my healing but I can't think of any other way to look deep inside and see what I did wrong as well, because its never 100% someone else's fault. Im not quite sure what I'm even asking, maybe just looking for some advice on this stage I'm going through.

Missing them is a common feeling at first... just remind yourself why you left her in the first place. Sometimes familiarity and the comfort from it seems like love when its not.


That feeling will fade, and it will fade faster if you start dating others.

How about considering you made no mistakes, and that you just were not compatible in the long term, and you didn't bring out the best in each other. It happens all the time when our hearts are involved. We can't see a relationship is not good or healthy, but we hold on out of fear of rejection, or being alone, whatever. Or we may not see that the other person doesn't feel the same way we do. Not all break ups are because of mistakes we made.