I don't know if this means anything, lately my ex (works at the same place) been giving me a funny vibe. She moved to our department(3 weeks back), so I get to see her more often now. I catch her sneeking peeks at me and then turns away quickly, giving me smiles once too many. Saying hi more then before. Just a week back she called to say hi and see what I was up to. I took that as she wanted to know what I was up to and nothing more. I don't know what to make of it. I don't want to read too much into it. Any clues on what's really going on?.

It could be she's just trying to be friendly, or she's trying to get close to you again. If you get a chance to have a coffee break together, just ask her, if you are on 'speaking terms' and have no hard feelings towards each other. It's either that or she's wondering what you feel about her being there and too shy to ask. If your position at work is not threatened by her job, then I would risk it and just plain talk to her, after all we are all only human. Good luck.

Go somewhere private, but not intimate (if that makes sense), and just ask her. What do you have to lose? You didn't mention why y'all broke up or how long you were together (or apart), but if it didn't work before because of a BIG issue, tread lightly and be cautious. If it's been awhile, like, years, and you think the two of you have grown up a bit and could iron out any small wrinkles that caused the breakup the first time, then maybe there's a future. But if it were over something big, trust me, if it didn't work the first time, it won't work the second. Good luck!

"Go somewhere private, but not intimate (if that makes sense), and just ask her."

I think that's a BIG mistake. Big - woman don't want that. They want mystery, a challenge. You break all that. WOMAN DON'T think in logic - that's logical and you WILL kill all attraction she is building. You throw your cards on the table and you're done.

You need to tease her, make fun of her - show your indifference towards her. Like you don't care about the out come.

Show your true feelings guys and your DONE!! No question. Woman dfon't want that sick, soft, sensitive guy - NEVER.

AND take your time with this - let it play out - no pressure on her. None. If you want her back take your time.

It's obvious... she's feeling you out. She wants to know how you feel about her but she's not going to say it. That would be dumb, it's called pursuing a man... we do it from time to time but only when we are confident enough about ourselves that we know we won't be rejected. I can't tell you what to do in this case because I'm not sure what it is that you want from her or what it is that you are expecting.

Yes, women do like mystery, I can't dispute that. Please don't throw your cards on the table just yet, it takes the fun out of her trying to see if she can get you back or not.

It's not that we women don't know what we want, sometimes we don't know if we want it or not until we get it... If that makes any sense.

There is still another question out there... Forgot to ask if you or she have new relationships - and if so how would they feel about this all. Look at the whole picture. I'm a woman and have been hurt a few times also, and I got my REVENGE (even after waiting a few years), so I know how this can blow out of proportion. But talking with one to get things cleared would be better than losing sleep and continuously wondering as it might cause stress at work and we all need our jobs. You've got a life to live - with or without her. Again, Good Luck. ;)

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Originally Posted by letmeno

It's obvious...she's feeling you out. She wants to know how you feel about her but she's not going to say it. That would be dumb, it's called pursuing a man...we do it from time to time but only when we are confident enough about ourselves that we know we won't be rejected. I can't tell you what to do in this case because I'm not sure what it is that you want from her or what it is that you are expecting.

Yes, women do like mystery, i can't dispute that. please don't throw your cards on the table just yet, it takes the fun out of her trying to see if she can get you back or not.

It's not that we women don't know what we want, sometimes we don't know if we want it or not until we get it...If that makes any sense.

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She is the type of person, that makes sure she puts herself in a position where she won't get rejected.
When we first got together (been together for two years), she showed that she was interested in me, but never acutaly said it or made it clear to me. I was the one who first made my feelings clear to her. She later told me that, she was nervous about making her feelings clear to me, because she was afraid of rejection.

This time around, she must be more nervous, because she is the one that left me (almost 4 months ago). Maybe she is afraid that I might still have hard feelings over the breakup and I might not want her back.

So my point is that she will never make the first move. She'll play around the bush, until I do.

For what I want, yes some part of me wants to get back with her, but I really really hurt by the breakup. I'm afraid that she might just do it again, if we ever get back together.
I also believe in second chances, and forgiving and forgeting.

I have no plans of putting all my cards on the table. I'll be patient.

Anymore advise? Keep it coming please.

You can wait for more advice, or you can make a move, depending on whether you want to sleep well at night and stop wondering. You should go and get an answer, one way or the other. Then you can take it from there. Let us know about your progress and don't just stand there... Good Luck.

Hope it helps!

Heartache IS avoidable.

You put too much importance into this - you need OTHER things in your life ALWAYS!! Women are PART of your life - NOT your life - remember that always!! Never forget that!!

When you are busy with friends, family, work, WORKOUTS, school, religion, HOBBIES, etc. - she WILL know you are a man and that she can feel safe tha tyou Won't make her your world - women hate that!!

I think again, you put too much importance in this - she's kind of hijacked your brain. Not good.

See when you put a woman a head of you, all these avoidable problems occur.

Take your time with this - AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOOD!! DON'T SHARE YOUR FEELINGS WITH HER!! PLEASE!!

I have to say that I do agree with wildcat. She sounds a little wishy washy to me but most of us are that way. She thought she wanted the break up, she got it and now she is not real sure if she done the right thing. Since you don't really have a clue as to what bag she might come out of next, play it slow and easy. As chery said, ask her out for lunch and see where the conversation goes. I wouldn't advise you to tell her that you miss her and want her back, that would put your heart on your sleeve and open up the door for hurt. If you are dating someone else, don't stop. I wouldn't stop dating anyone on the account of this young lady. Just start as friends to be on the safe side and see where it goes. But don't share your true feelings just yet!

"I wouldn't advise you to tell her that you miss her and want her back"

Yes! Please don't tell her that. Too many people here tell others to do that. You put your heart on your sleeve and YOU ARE DONE - especially early. Give her the mystery she craves!!

Just take it easy and see where it goes.

I'm so nervous about even asking her for coffie or lunch. I don't know what she really wants (she seems to giving me mixed signels) she seems interested but never makes it clear. Since she is the one that left me, it is only right she makes the first move (that is only if she wants to get back together). I don't want to open myself to get hurt. But knowing her nature she expects me to make the first move as expainled in my previous posts.

I hate being stuck in this situation. I need to go about this, without being hurt. When she dumped me, that hurt like crazy and I don't think I can handle it this time around.

Now that she works in the same dept, I see more often, and yes sometimes it does bring back some of the pain. I think to myself, if she does not want to get back together, then I don't think I can handle being her friend, or seeing her around at the office too often.


I'm playing it cool and all. Never shared my feelings. Maybe that is why she does not want to make her move, because she is unsure of my feelings for her( I'm good at hiding my feelings, if I want to).

Any more advise.

Take it easy!! She is not a stranger or anything, you know this woman remember?

She want's to see you on a more than friendship level. Take my word for it.

Ask her to lunch and just be easy about it. Take it slow, talk as friends, not ex lovers.
She is not going to make it clear to you that she may want to see you again because she screwed up, she hurt you, she knows it, and she is not really sure exactly how you feel about her since she is the one who dumped you. You may reject her. Remember, she is protecting herself right now also. She may want to see you again to see if she made a mistake, get involved with you again, decide it wasn't right and back out again. Keep that in mind too.

Just take it slow. Most importantly, BE FRIENDS FIRST!!
Casually joke with her and tell her that you noticed her checking you out, warm her up to you all over again, and remind her why she ever loved you in the first place. If you want solid proof of what her motives are, make her feel comfortable enough to open up. Don't talk about the break up, try and stay clear of that subject totally! Do not come off as you are still hurt, and upset. Make her believe that that is the past, you have moved on and you are over it. That will put her at ease of any hard feelings you may have.

You can do this. You have the advantage because you know her intamately and personally. You know how to put her at ease and you know how to make her feel comfortable. That is the key to getting a woman to open up. Put her mind at ease.

It all sounds to me that after the breakup, she had expected you to reflect and grow and is checking to see if you did so. From what you said about 'acting' you did not learn much, and still wonder why she left you in the first place. Well, try and write down what you think you did right and what you think you did wrong (you, not her), as for every action there is a reaction, and she reacted by leaving you, so there's a hint. If you have had other relationships since then, and they did not go any further or they no longer exist, then you really need to do an attitude check on yourself. Wondering and asking for advice when you are not sure about yourself, is not going to help you much. If it's reassurance you seek, then you need to get that from yourself too, not strangers who don't get the 'whole picture'. Get to like yourself before requesting this of others. Good Luck in introducing yourself to YOU!

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Originally Posted by Chery

It all sounds to me that after the breakup, she had expected you to reflect and grow and is checking to see if you did so. From what you said about 'acting' you did not learn much, and still wonder why she left you in the first place. Well, try and write down what you think you did right and what you think you did wrong (you, not her), as for every action there is a reaction, and she reacted by leaving you, so there's a hint. If you have had other relationships since then, and they did not go any further or they no longer exist, then you really need to do an attitude check on yourself. Wondering and asking for advice when you are not sure about yourself, is not going to help you much. If it's reassurance you seek, then you need to get that from yourself too, not strangers who don't get the 'whole picture'. Get to like yourself before requesting this of others. Good Luck in introducing yourself to YOU!.

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What?? (sorry the post was to short so I had to add more questions marks)

Good luck dear

It's simple. She's checking to see if you learned anything from the past. Have you asked yourself why she broke up with you the first time. Check it out. Your nervousness is a sign that you are scared of rejection. Was that short enough?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Chery

It's simple. She's checking to see if you learned anything from the past. Have you asked yourself why she broke up with you the first time. Check it out. Your nervousness is a sign that you are scared of rejection. Was that short enough?

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That is my whole point, I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of being hurt. Is it not normal to feel that way? I hate to make my feelings clear to her and just be turned down. It will hurt like crazy.
For God sakes, we were together for two years, we planned to marry each other. We loved each other. True love. I know some of you will say, if she loved you so much then why did she leave you. All I know for sure is that she left me and in my wildes dreams I never expected her to do that.
We were really close. But in the end that did not matter.

Trust me I've learned a lot from the breakup.What is puzzling is the fact you haven't a clue about what on between us and yet you judge me.

All I can say to you, is take it easy.

Please do not get me wrong, I judge nobody. My intent there was to give you 'food for thought'. I'm over 50 and 'been there, done that', so I know that we all make mistakes. But if we don't take the time to reflect back once in a while we don't learn from our past mistakes. That's what I meant. And you stating that you did learn from them should help you give her the information she's seeking right now. What she probably wants to know is if you have changed and learned from the past and if you are still interested in her. Otherwise she would not give you so many signals. Try writing a letter to her, even if you never send it, then read it yourself again, and see if you can pick up on what her reaction to that letter would be. Bounce it off on another female friend and ask her advice. Make a list of your current pros and cons that you still plan to work on, like gaining self-confidence for one. None of us is born with knowing it all, we learn as we go along life's path. Good Luck to you. P.S. You can even 'bounce it off' on me through a private message. Also check up on my profile and see my past answers, especially the one about 'a woman needing space and why'. If you can't find it, PM me any time. :)

Thanks chery, sorry for my reaction. You've given me sound advise.

That's OK. I sometimes don't express myself they way you are used to, but I do mean well and NEVER put anyone down, or judge them. I try to give people different points of view to look at to help find 'themselves' as I have myself had extensive therapy and studied psychology after that so that I could help others as I have been helped. Good Luck to you. So, you cold say I'm a 'Jackie of all trades' sort of. :D

When I just thought she was warming up to me. I don't think she wants to get back with me. It is just this vibe all of a sudden I get from her.

Besides she seems more interested in this other guy at work.

Why would she act like she was interested in me in the last few weeks and then nothing?

I feel like right now. I know when to just give up hoping. I knew it was too good to be true.
What do you guys think? I need a women's perspective. Could I be wrong about my vibes?


PS. If you guys are wondering, I played it easy and cool. I teased her and just talked as friends. She seemed to like it. I never relived my feelings to her.

She just might have been waiting for you to reveal your feelings, or kept you on the sideline just in case she did not 'land' with the other guy, Anything is possible with relationships. You'll find the right one for you some day, until then, try and treat all with respect and don't put us all in one barrel. Good Luck and look ahead. We all gain something even from negative experiences, just don't let it make you bitter. Keep us posted.

Chery could be right. Women do seek out attention from other men "when all else fails".

I can't say for sure that this could be the case but sometimes men do get mixed signals from women. In a few cases, I have casually talked or joked with a male co-worker or friend and some how or another they took it as "she want's me." Just be easy, don't be bitter, some of us do "get away" but when that happens, just throw the line out there and get back at it.

Hope this helps

I know what you're saying letmeno and chery. I swear I was getting the vibe that she was some how interested in me again. It was a gut feeling. But now I don't get that anymore.

I know for sure this other guy for sure is interested in her. And maybe she is in him.The funny thing is that I remember biggining of last week she was saying how nice and friendly this guy was (it was like she was trying to get me jealous and maybe make my move). And still after that she still showed that she was interested in me(the whole of last week). Some how I've been getting nothing from her these few last days.

Don't share your feelings! Be busy. Cut the contact down a lot.

"if you guys are wondering, I played it easy and cool. I teased her and just talked as freinds. She seemed to like it. " - keep that up. NO Pressure ON HER, br the fun guy.

Don't worry about other guys. Woman WILL test you ane see if you're jealous. My gal early on started talking about other guys - I just said I have two other gals I am deciding on as well - that shut her up. And then I said I don't care about any other guy you're interested in - don't tell me that stuff again.

It's all tests - if you learn about woman's tests you're way ahead of the game.

WHY are you talking with her every day at thispoint?? WHY?? WHY??

I think you've put too much importance in this one gal. Not good for business. See, when you put a woman ahead of yourself you create heartache. There are other things in life - work, school, workouts, friends, family, hobbies - all are equal importance. She is part of your life. Not your life.

Boy Wildcat, you must have been hurt real bad by some woman in your past! Where do you meet your women,and how can you live with yourself being such a negative individual? There is a lot you need to work out yet and I'm not sure that even you know where to start.

Jealousy is a green monster that eats you up inside. Those that try to make others jealous are insecure themselves. Why encourage other impressionable men to be so negative about life, just because you have a problem to solve within?

Life puts you through enough tests as it is so there is no need to 'test' each other further or be bitter over a few mistakes for the rest of your life. The only thing you know about women is the experience you've had with them and your reactions. Just as we all - for every action there is a reaction, positive or negative. But if we don't learn from it and go on then bitterness takes over and riuns things for you and those you have relationships with.

With all the things that have happened to me in my life, before I was even born, I should be a vindicative, man-hating witch with a capital 'B'. But I also see the good in people and the hopes and fears they have, and come to realize that it does no good at all to be bitter and let things eat me up inside. I've learned a lot in my life and know how rough it can be, but I try to help others overcome their bitterness and hatred. We can't change others, only ourselves, and pass on what we learned in hopes they don't suffer as we did. That's the only thing we can do, is to present alternatives and encouragement.
Lately however, all your alternatives have been so negative that it would be painful to physically be around you. 'Heartache' is part of life no matter what age, just as happiness is, otherwise we would not be able to tell the difference and grow.

No person is 100% perfect, be they male or female and influence has a lot to do with gaining the confidence we all need to go on. Otherwise we could all jump off a cliff every time something does not go exactly as we expect it to. Or take our ball out of the court and go home.. Kids do that, not adults.
One life is talking with her ever day at this point because he works in the same workplace, and is still optimistic about life. We really don't have any right to take that away from him. And, unfortunately no body is ever ahead of the game, as you put it because every one is different and some don't look at this as a 'game' - thank goodness.
Plus, a relationship is not a business or a deal up for negotiation. If it were, then there would be less emotion, and more houses of ill-repute (for both sexes) and less children except those that are produced out of rape, and raised by single parents who teach bitterness, not love for one another. Ergo, there would be no need for 'friends' or family either.
Yes, there are other things in life, but in my opinion there is nothing better than being held in warmth, the knowledge that someone cares and will be there for me, and being able to comfort him when needed. It is no fun at all being lonely, despite hobbies, workouts, etc. It is sharing and caring that's important to me and most others. That is what makes us human.
Animals take care of 'business' to procreate and fight to be the 'leader of the pack' without emotions, where the females chose them for their partners, but it's in their nature, not our's. OK, now I'm off the soapbox, it's someone else's turn.

Sorry hun. Not bitter at all. I just know what women want. Most guys don't know how to behave around women. I don't teach mean.

Women Don't want a soft, sentive, clingy/needy, nice, agreeable guy - ever. You want guys with a spine, who has their own life. A guy who calls them 5 times a day to check up on them.

And WOMEN TEST MEN UNTIL THE DAY THE DIE. Always and forever.

He needs to learn how to deal with woman - heartache is avoidable.

Your post pretty much proved my point.

The caring part comes later. He needs to PROVE he is a man and can live with her or without her. This guy needs to change. He doesn't have her and he is KILLING all her attraction in him. She is most likely just as bummed out about as him.

It's funny because I get a lot of this - women telling me I am wrong and then the guy the go for is acts the right way. I am sure you want some guy who is a lap dog that you can walk all over? Go for the soft sensitive guy who puts you on a pedestal and tell me how that works for you and your feelings? Ok?

He has to show has a spine and can stand up to her.


My gal loves me because I don't put up with her crap (all women do tests), tease her, treat her well, never mean, bust on her, I am passionate about her, we long conversations, arguments, get alone great.

Good for you WC if you are happy. I don't want a lap dog, got a cat for that, his picture is in my profie. But I don't want a whuss(sp) or 'caveman' either. I have one that's in between and am quite comfortable with him despite his chauvy attitude sometimes. I've gone from wife-beaters to crybabies and I know what I want now, but did not before - it's all a learning process . I'm certain each 'pot' finds his/her 'lid' eventually.

If you got a sec to spare, I want to tell you a short story. I dated a guy for almost 3 years. It went well between us, but we ended up breaking up, he wanted it, not me. I went on with my life, all was well and then we ran into each other again. Seven years later. I had matured, womanhood agreed with me and so did he.
To make a long story short, I toyed with him. Just to see if I could get him to go there, just to see if he was still intrested in me. Of course I went on a date with him to see if there was anything salvagable between us, to see if we could be friends, to see if there was any feelings for him left, to see if there was any chemistry between us @ all. I knew he had a girl and I wanted to see if he was still the lying cheating dog that he always had been, yup! He was!
To make a short story even shorter, I was just testing the waters to see for myself what it was that I ever saw in him, if he still had feelings for me, and I was curious to know had he learned anything in the past seven years. When my curiosity was put to ease, I simply vanished on him into thin air. I briefly dated him again out of curiosity. Some of it was about him, but most of it was about me!
Yes, it is true, we do test men... quite often as a matter of fact.
Just take the situation for what it is... a friendship. Until this girl makes up her mind if she wants you or the other guy, keep conversations short and simple. Joke with her, laugh with her but keep it simple.

You also confused dating with a relationship.

He doesn't have relationship. He is TRYING to win her back and BEHAVE properly. He seems reall soft and sensitive. Evict the inner Wuss - no women wants that,

He ouzes soft.

"I was always careful about not dissapionting her." Reall bad for business. Real bad. You need a spine and an opinion. I am sure you always worried not to uposet her - here is a little secret - women LIKE to get mad and angry sometimes - it WILL happen - the ycan't control it. If she feels she can't get upset with you - she will leave. It's called feelings and emotions.

You SHOULD do your own things!

"Yes, it is true, we do test men....quite often as a matter of fact."

Guys need to learn about woman's tests or they WILL lose.

Once you're int the relationship for a long time you can go a little soft, but still keep the mystery.

PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. - Your gal can have you. Get it?

THAT WHICH IS CHASED RUNS!! Quit the chasing so much.

Be busy when she tries to talk. Stop being ga love sick puppy.

To one life: listen to your 'gut feelings' they are usually messages from loved ones who have passed away and are still protective of you (I have 3 and always listen, as when I don't, things go wrong). Stand tall and 'fail' her test.. She made a choice a while back and hurt you - therefore you might not be able to forgive her for that and the relationship will not work if you have any doubts at all. Gain your self-confidence back (throw away those 'mixed feelings') and go on with your life. Some of us women DON'T play 'games' anymore, as they get very tired after a while and take too much energy. Keep us posted and Good Luck in finding the right one. There is also nothing wrong with doing those little things to show your appreciation, but you have to have a positive response to them too. That's only fair. If a woman can't show her appreciation, she's not worth it, and vice-versa.

To letmeno: Good for you, you also went through enough and have learned to know what you want. This helps you give good advice. I tried to rate you,but it would not let me, so here's my 'public' :cool: to you!

Little 'spats' to me are not games or tests, they keep things alive and are fun, especially the making-up while the heartrate is still high. And if there is no humor or mystery (as WC says) . Things get 'dry' and old.

My question is, how do I keep her interest in me, when I'm always there at work. She see me for 8 hours a day (because of the setup). I know the previous no contact thing worked, because as soon as she moved to my dept, she started to act interested. Now it will be difficult to do that. Any advise?

Just be yourself. Apparently it did work so far. If you really want her, and will not throw her past at her at every opportunity, then converse with her about common interest, the job, and watch for more signals. Young people still feel the need to 'play games' and if you want to stay in this game, then even ask her out to a movie, etc. If she agrees, you are one step further. Tell you the truth, I'm glad I am out of the 'game playing' court. It's never easy and there is no 'rule book' in any relationship. You just have to 'feel' your way through, and might fall down, but when that happens please pick yourself up and go on. Those 'what if' and 'but when' thoughts will always be there for us all - sometimes our choices are right, sometimes wrong, they are all part of gaining experiences and learning from them.
***My rule on relationships at the workplace differ from others, I never started any and am glad I did not as no matter what comes out of them, the stress is still there and distracts from work. Good Luck to you. Hope you 'win'..

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Originally Posted by one_life

My question is, how do I keep her interest in me, when I'm always there at work. She see me for 8 hours a day (because of the setup). I know the previous no contact thing worked, because as soon as she moved to my dept, she started to act interested. Now it will be difficult to do that. Any advise?

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by one_life

My question is, how do I keep her interest in me, when I'm always there at work. She see me for 8 hours a day (because of the setup). I know the previous no contact thing worked, because as soon as she moved to my dept, she started to act interested. Now it will be difficult to do that. Any advise?

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Yes, keep @ it. I know exactly how you feel. To see someone everyday, and not really know what to do about it, sneaking peeks and trying not to make it obvious. I guess this type of thing would be a piece of cake for me because I'm a hard a** but this will work.

Personally, I WOULD NOT CHASE HER - that which is chased RUNS!! DON'T BE pursuing her at all. Don't ask her out, don't ask her to do things for now.

BE HAPPY, BE BUSY, HAVE EXCITING THINGS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE, GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS A LOT, I highly recommend working out - maybe that being running, health clubs, etc. - GET NEW HOBBIES

IF She sees a change in you she will come back. Be good to her. Listen to her. Don't do things for her - no buying lunch or flowers etc.

DATE!!

RULE #1 - learn about woman and relationships. Do you hear me? Learn about woman and relatinships. Guys are clueless at this and woman eat them a live.

Go to www.askmen.com and read every article on dating NOW!

Go to www.love-tacics.com and read ALL the free articles - especially on win back - IT will save 1 million mistakes.

Hi wildcat.. Love, you seem to be putting on the same record lately. Check your CAPS and change it around a bit. We get your drift though. And like he said before, he already tried the 'cool' part and it worked, now he's interested in the next step.

TTFN, Chery

That is the next step. This is going to take time. She is isn't going to rush into his arms anytime soon. He still seems a little soft and unsure of himself. Women can smell that a mile a way. I know weight lifting gave me all the confidence in the world.