This guy,basicalle an LDR, I fell for broke it off with me dropping the bomb saying that he rather meet someone locally in his area. Then he finally admitted months later that he has been seeing someone. I have been so broken and shattered,I kept asking myself did I ever mean anything t this person at all? When I met him he broke up with his ex and I broke up with someone and guess during the time of loneliness clung to eachtoher, I'd hear from him 4 times a day,we planned on meeting and being with each other, however I was still in school and couldn't make that move yet. However, when time passed but then he wanted to start dating again and the distance between us was an issue I understand , but I really wanted to be with him but now ts seems clear to me,it was not the same in his part. Now I only hear from him once in a while and whenever I do talk to him it hurts like hell, because he's in this lets be friends so I'm going to be very casual and impersonal with you. Its like everything we said to each other,that he said to me is all gone and now we have this indifference from him that feels like a stab in the chest. He said he wanted to be friends but then he calls once in a while and I didn't want to be the one initiating th ephone calls since he ended it with me. I was thinking, I really need to cut contact with him meaning not answering his calls as well as not calling because I haven't moved on and fully healed yet. Its as if my life depended on this guy and that was my mistakes and soon as he rejected me it crumbled,and I believed he knew this,I would be waiting for him to contact me which is once in a while but then whenever I do talk to him it hurts more, any one has advice what should I do, I know I have to get him completely out of my life but it seems from his part that's what's happening. Smll part of me hopes it won't work out with this new person and he'ss come back to me,I know its awful thinking but that's how I feel, any advice or opinions?

You have answered your own question as to move on yourself, you must end contact completely from him. His contacting you has confused, and hurt you from letting go, and brought back many old feelings that hurt still. False hope has you stuck so don't answer his calls. Good Luck.

Have you read the first post on this thread yet?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-123862-6.html

You are not the only one being rejected like this, and will not be the last.

What you do with yourself and your emotions is the key here.. and I don't think you should waste any more time on this person. He has hurt you enough and you should treat yourself a lot better by not dwelling on him.

It's an old saying but... Time Does Heal.. so give it a chance.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_14.gif

Yes, I did see that post, in fact I'll print it out,

I haven't heard from him,but people say its for the best isn't it

Yup it sure is for the best.

When someone says they don't want you anymore it hurts and we want that person back and we want to "fix" everything. But what is really best for us is to close that chapter of our life and move forward without looking back. Very rarely will someone come back and make a relationship work. Its best for you to go no contact (yes, even if he contacts you heck ESPECIALLY if he contacts you) and just busy yourself with your life

That's the hardest part,if or when he contacts me,that I learn to say no or best not answer,I'm always looking for hope he'll come back and every phonecalls a sign that he somehow cares, but its tearing my heart when it doesn't end that way and he's just fine with everything when I'm definitely not.

Question, why does people say as soon as you move on and forget about them that's they ,the dumpers,will come back? But then others says they won't, sorry if it looks like I'm holding out for a thread of hope but I'm real curious about this. I know a friend of mine whose going through the same thing,ex dumped him now new person dumps her,whetehr she comes back to him I'm not sure, What gives,any one has opinions on this,

It's that holding out for a thread of hope that keeps you from moving on, and getting healthy. Being healthy allows you to accept life for what it is, and make clear, good decisions for yourself. Confusion and chaos, after a break up keeps you stuck on stupid and unable to deal with the emotional pain of a break up, so you have choices to make as to how to deal with your own circumstances.

Would be determental for you to think like that vivia. Its rubbish. There is no general collection of understanding of dumpers actions out there.

Some may turn around after some time and think (o dam! Lost somebody good there, the grass wasn't so green but there were problems on both sides of the relationship and I don't want to hurt them anymore etc plus I feel a bit to guilty so ill leave it)

But in most cases a dumper is probably glad and will feel a sense of relief and freedom whilst the dumpees are often left with the sense of failure and ego battering we are all to familiar with.

I would concentrate on getting your life in a secure and stable position. You may not even then care what your ex does or doesn't do then.

- Bump to Tali's post above mine! That holding on bit got me to, best not to :) NC all the way. Don't break it and your be so much stronger, probably even stronger than the dumper.

Omg I can relate 100% to your words except I'm a male and this is a female. I asked myself over and over again exactly the words " did i ever mean anything to this person?". I feel like we have a lot in common. I feel shattered over it too. I found out the girl broke up with her b'f when she met me and started goingout with me. I didn't realize that until now... she had been talking to him like a month after I started going out with her. I can't answer must question but I find it astonishing to think someone feels the same way I do. I would definitely take this advice from talinaman. That "thread of hope" is what is holdign me back. The thought that there's still some way it isn't true and she still is mine. But I know it isn't... reality hurts. The person who did this to you will get their day. This is what everbody tells me in my case.My friend said "let him f**k her over and let her f**k him over and eventually they will fall down". Send me a private message if you want or just repost to me. I want to hear more about this. The Same THING and I swear to god... I feel the same way as your words describe and it makes me feel even better to know someone has been faced with the same problem. Listen, 100% of your feelings, I have said the same thing out loud or in text. I hope that this helps... knowing there's someone else who can relate. It seems like... whenever someone calls, I am afraid it's her and she'll hurt me more, but a small slice of me wants to know... Unfortunately, I have it to the point where she hasn't called at all or spoken a word to me. It seems like she never cared at all about what I did for her. I realized and I want to tell you this... In life there are times that no matter how much you give, you can still lose it. It's hurtful and sad but it has to be lived with. I know the feeling when you break up and you see other females (males in your case) around and you feel like none of them can ever replace the one you loved... I guess that you will eventually find another one according to like 1 million people but I still don't know. I am terrified of going through the same thing again. I don't feel like I can trust any woman who wants to be just a "friend" right now. All I can say to you and what I am going to do is,(and you probably are already aware of this) even though there are so many people to pick from to bring into a relationship(that you like), try to remember that you are taking a risk at multiple things that can make you go through what you(we, I should say) have already dealt with. What I'm going to do is make SURE of what I want.I will take plenty of time to realize what and who is worth my while and in the end, we can only hope that the next person we pick will not do this to us. It seems to me like the chances of making another mistake in loving someone is too great. Can you relate to my ideas? Your feedback would be very interesting to hear considering how your post relates to my break up so closely and how I see things from a similar point of view. Maybe we can help each other realize more about these frigging relationships : D and who the right person is for me/you.

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What I'm going to do is make SURE of what I want.I will take plenty of time to realize what and who is worth my while

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You've learned something important and valuable, know yourself and love yourself first.

I just sent you a message mike,thanks for your support. I like Talinaman though, he's like the recovery bootcamp officer. He'll make sure you get over this if he has to beat it into you :)

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I realized and I want to tell you this... In life there are times that no matter how much you give, you can still lose it. It's hurtful and sad but it has to be lived with. I know the feeling when you break up and you see other females (males in your case) around and you feel like none of them can ever replace the one you loved.. . I guess that you will eventually find another one according to like 1 million people but I still don't know. I am terrified of going through the same thing again. i don't feel like I can trust any woman who wants to be just a "friend" right now. All I can say to you and what I am going to do is,(and you probably are already aware of this) even though there are so many people to pick from to bring into a relationship(that you like), try to remember that you are taking a risk at multiple things that can make you go through what you(we, I should say) have already dealt with. What I'm going to do is make SURE of what I want.I will take plenty of time to realize what and who is worth my while and in the end, we can only hope that the next person we pick will not do this to us. It seems to me like the chances of making another mistake in loving someone is too great. Can you relate to my ideas? Your feedback would be very interesting to hear considering how your post relates to my break up so closely and how I see things from a similar point of view. Maybe we can help each other realize more about these frigging relationships : D and who the right person is for me/you.

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What Mike says here is so true and applicable to all of us.

There is always a risk when we let someone get close to us. But there is a benefit too, especially when that closeness pays off into happiness. But.. there is no guarantee. There is no lifetime guarantee in purchasing a car, a house, a horse, or anything else either... They all need caretaking of some sort, and when we find the car is not right for us, we look for another model. Get the picture?? We learn by trial and error - accepting our mistakes and living with it.

Why do we let people into our hearts? Good question.. because we need and want to share love, tenderness and warmth. Every one of us does. And we know that it takes sometimes many attempts in this search.

After so many failures and pain, should we keep on trying? You bet.. Don't give up till you take your last breath. This is human nature and without it we would belong to the wrong species.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_14.gif

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You've learned something important and valuable, know yourself and love yourself first.

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I agree wholeheartedly; if you improve yourself, love yourself you become "valuable" to others because they see who you are and see what a prize you are.

Get over it talinaman : D.

However, it does hurt being "tossed" aside by the person who claimed that you are one of the most important people in their lives. Its as if they have never said that,then what should I beieve when the nexrt person says the same thing

You can't think like that. Have you never ended a relationship? At the time you feel those things but feelings can fade. That is no ones fault. Its not fair to beat yourself up and bring up every little thing someone said. My last serious boyfriend told me in the same sentence that he wanted to marry me and break up with me. Talk about mixed messages right? People say what they mean and don't always back those things up those are the people who are not right for you. The person who says you are the most important thing and backs it up is the right guy.

It would be wrong of you to carry this into a new relationship and think that the next person will do the same thing. If you keep thinking that it will then become a self-fulfilling prophecy and next thing you know every guy has walked away.

Go slow Vivia12; the period after something like this happens is tough but you do get to know yourself much better, and what you really need and want from a relationship.

As far as "what should I believe when the next person says the same thing" goes I would suggest that maybe we learn something from the last time. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be open to a new relationship when the time comes but when it does just go slow. Even in the beginning of a relationship there are "signs" that should not be ignored, if you see them then address them with yourself and your partner. But never give up on finding the right person they're out there.

Sometimes you do everything you can in a relationship and still something like this happens. It's not all one persons' fault you need to work together with the right person, if the "match" is right then both have to make a commitment.

I understand Stringer, right now all I feel is hurt and long to reach out to him by a single email, but ask myself why, he never had problems initaiteing emails,or calls and we'd go back and forth. Its been a couple of months now, I have spoken to him now and then (get it ? Now and then,usually when he doesn't hear from me for a while) I hate this waiting,hoping clinging and knows it does no good for me that is. I'm truly afraid to open up my heart like this again,but I do believe there will be someone who will back what they say,but you're right,I shouldn't be negative

I understand Stringer, right now all I feel is hurt and long to reach out to him by a single email, but ask myself why, he never had problems initaiteing emails,or calls and we'd go back and forth. Its been a couple of months now, I have spoken to him now and then (get it ? Now and then,usually when he doesn't hear from me for a while) I hate this waiting,hoping clinging and knows it does no good for me that is. I'm truly afraid to open up my heart like this again,but I do believe there will be someone who will back what they say,but you're right,I shouldn't be negative

It will take time. Don't push yourself. Give yourself time to retreat and lick your wounds. One of these days you will find yourself feeling that some guy is cute and hey, yeah maybe dinner isn't such a bad idea. Maybe initially it will just be to get back in the game and then you will meet someone who you will get into another relationship with. It just takes time. You can't force anything it will come when its right.

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Originally Posted by vivia12

However, it does hurt beeing "tossed" aside by the person who claimed that you are one of the most important people in their lives. Its as if they have never said that,then what should I beieve when the nexrt person says the same thing

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I feel the same way. It especially hurts when you find out that the person was cheating on you practically from day one and the whole thing and the future you wanted with them was a lie/will never proceed. You do not feel like you still love them but you will be in awe for a long time over it and will be afraid to start another relationship(I'm speaking in vivia's and my voice mostly) I am afraid to see her face because it makes things go back to the day I found out about her cheating. When the phone rings, I always (and I can't help it) feel my heart jump and my breathe ceases. I feel like I'll be lured into another trap by her and the sound of the phone is a trip wire. The reason I feel scared like this is because I know I will pick up the phone if she calls because I am still zealous to know what it was... I don't know how to say what I want to express but those who have experienced the feeling... know what I mean.

"The world is crooked. Our axis is on a tilt"

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Originally Posted by Stringer

Even in the beginning of a relationship there are "signs" that should not be ignored, if you see them…

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To me if you see them... the least painless way to deal with it in my opinion is GET THE H*LL out before it's too late. Like saying "I need space" and "I'm not ready for a relationship right now"(when you're already in one!! ). And I thought of these signs I wish I could have seen in my previous relationship. All the things that I was suspicious of but was convinced that they were not true(by her), ended up to be true and everything was a lie. Don't act like you always know what your partner's doing because people are so unbelievably and devastatingly devious. All the very small suspicions I had from the beginning twisted my screw just a little bit more and then it was so far in that the plank cracked. I found proof that ALL the times she wasn't supposed to be doing anything I should worry about(and I wasn't worried), I should've been because she was having sex with another guy probably everyday she had some bull sh*t reason I couldn't see her. I think this is what Glinda means by signs but maybe in a less critical sense. And knowing this now is what leaves the mark that lasts the longest. Hey they always say we'll get past and I hope us people do but at the point in time we experience this, It never seems that way and that what leads you to even more self loathing.

It is so easy to blame others because we don't know. But if we are the ones not seeing things for what they are, who's fault is it?? Sometimes the blame is ours because we ignored all the red flags!

Vivia12, trust me on this one, you will be fine. I know how hard it is (been there quite a few times) but I suggest (strongly) that you don't call, email or "stop by." Try to put yourself kind of "above" this all, I mean in those moments when you feel a little stronger try to remove yourself emotionally and then possibly you can see/feel a little more objectively.

I know how sometimes it really hurts, but do you want it to continue like it was? I don't think so, not really. Each day will make you stronger. If you are religious then I suggest also that you share some quiet time and say a prayer, you may find some strength there.

Let us know how you are doing hon. As my Mama always said; "God will never give you more than you can handle." I'm not as religious as I probably should be, but Mama was.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Sometimes the blame is ours because we ignored all the red flags!!

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Pretty much what I was trying to say but more to the point and I agree 100%. But who's fault is it when we don't realize things? It isn't always the persons fault because so many of these types of things…when they happen and the person doesn't know about it, it is practically impossible to find it out for themselves. But that's why I tried to state that if it feels like the person is trying to evade your human instinct, you should just realize that they are trying to play games with your head and if you go on and find out that your suspicions were correct, you will be more hurt than if you were to take the e-ticket. I don't know why I'm hearing things about taking responsibility because in my relationship I did absolutely everything I could to find the truth and it turned into even more of a disaster than if I would have just said “screw this girl, there's more out there for me.”

And what the h*ll do you mean exactly by "when will i take responsibility?"

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Originally Posted by mikehst

and what the h*ll do you mean exactly by "when will i take responsibility?"

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It means instead of going along with the program, you should have had your own friggin' program. It means why the f# did you put so much on her, that you put nothing on yourself! YOU had as much choice for your actions, as she did, and to put all the blame on some one else is immature, as it tries to make you the victim, and her a predator. YOU made a choice in every step of this relationship! So you share as much of the burden for it not working as she does. Nobody put a gun to your head to make you a fool!! Now grow up and be a MAN and stop whining like a baby!! So is the way of life!!

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Originally Posted by mikehst

I feel the same way. It especially hurts when you find out that the person was cheating on you practically from day one and the whole thing and the future you wanted with them was a lie/will never proceed. You do not feel like you still love them but you will be in awe for a long time over it and will be afraid to start another relationship(I'm speaking in vivia's and my voice mostly) I am afraid to see her face because it makes things go back to the day I found out about her cheating. When the phone rings, I always (and I can't help it) feel my heart jump and my breathe ceases. I feel like I'll be lured into another trap by her and the sound of the phone is a trip wire. The reason I feel scared like this is because I know I will pick up the phone if she calls because I am still zealous to know what it was...I don't know how to say what I want to express but those who have experienced the feeling...know what I mean.

"The world is crooked. Our axis is on a tilt"

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Sorry for quoting everything, but its like everything mike . Is saying I'm feeling exactly the same way. Except mine hated his ex so I'm not worried there, but feelings are the same its like the phones the enemy,you look at it taunting you with you have O message, and wonder when it will be filled with calls from either him,(tough luck if it does happen) or maybe a new person, I am being hopeful. Cool, Hope you can reply let me know your story too,helps to know that others feel that way M.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

It is so easy to blame others because we don't know. but if we are the ones not seeing things for what they are, who's fault is it??? Sometimes the blame is ours because we ignored all the red flags!!

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No tal,there are devious people out there,in th emost extreme cases I may add,look at these women who trust their husbands and their bodies end up somewhere,I know I'm being extreme but people will tend to decieve you especially when they know they have you on the palm of their hands

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Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

It will take time. Don't push yourself. Give yourself time to retreat and lick your wounds. One of these days you will find yourself feeling that some guy is cute and hey, yeah maybe dinner isn't such a bad idea. Maybe intially it will just be to get back in the game and then you will meet someone who you will get into another relationship with. It just takes time. You can't force anything it will come when its right.

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Thanks for your encouragement, believe me if I can meet someone I probably would be, what that guy I drooled and grovel over, What was I thinking Nut its sad, hemet someone so he doesn't have to feel left out the way I do, its like they did the dumping and get the happy ending,

Who reaps and what they didn't sow,seems to be me.. feeling a bithopeful though

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I know I'm being extreme but people will tend to decieve you especially when they know they have you on the palm of their hands

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Then don't ALLOW yourself in the palm of some ones hand! Ain't that much love in the world!! LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF! Don't go for that dumb shat that get thrown at you.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Then don't ALLOW yourself in the palm of some ones hand!! Ain't that much love in the world!!! LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF! Don't go for that dumb shat that get thrown at you.

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Absolutley right,that's was my mistakes, always at the palm of someone's hands I basically throw everything at them,my heart ,my being,my hopes while they it seems did the same then they hold back,which is something I could learn from

I would take this relationship and try to learn as much from it as possible. It is so easy to get swept up in someone and lose yourself. You have to set boundaries and stick to them you also have to take it slow. The next relationship you get into you will apply the lessons you learn from this past one. It will get better and better and better.

Also don't feel like he is out living the high life. You have no idea what's going on with him and this other gal. She could be a complete nightmare and he could be miserable. I have a story that might help. I was crazy, CRAZY about this guy and he left me and I was crushed. This girl he left me for seemed like she had everything I was lacking and I was so mad that he found some great girl while I was moping. About 6 months later I was talking to a girl I used to work with who knew my ex and told me that the girl ended up being a complete psycho. He caught her in his place when he came home early from work (she had broken in through an open window). She then stalked him and did a bunch of other crazy things and my friend said my ex was completely miserable and he had even said that he can't believe he broke up with me for this other girl. So you never know.

Vivia12; you responded to me and said "Mike" not stringer. It doesn't matter, no problem. How are you feeling today?

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Originally Posted by Stringer

Vivia12; you responded to me and said "Mike" not stringer. it doesn't matter, no problem. How are you feeling today?

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So sorry Stringer, I sent you a message yesterday thanking you. Hope I didn't put Mike. Sorry so messed up,I am feeling much better today,and taking all of your advice,well except I did slip and emailed him a few wods asking him about how his dog was doing,because it was sick and he told me things are not going that great,for him and the dog,(I was hoping it was between him and the new gal:)
But its okay,he said he liked to talk to me on the weekends, but I paused a bit and didn't reply yet because every time I do talk to him I start getting Titanic tears afterwards because I couldn't stand him being ,casual when I'm wanting more. Plus I'm the one who initiated this, but I am healing and learrning as I go.
I'm not sure about strictly NC, but I'll learn if I don't hear from him not to panic, there are plenty of good people here,especially in this forum I can turn to.

You're right Glinda, I don't know what's going on,well I tried and by what he's told me he;s not having he time of his life,stressed,problems etc. I thought since he ditched me for this girl he's having the time of his life and here I was wallowing

All that means is that you can give yourself permission to live a good life. Shift your focus. Living good is in all honesty the best revenge. Do whatever makes you feel good and makes you happy. Pick up new hobbies, get new shoes a new haircut whatever can be a symbol to you that you are starting fresh.

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Originally Posted by vivia12

so sorry Stringer, I sent you a message yesterday thanking you. hope I didnt put Mike. sorry so messed up,I am feeling much better today,and taking all of your advice,well except i did slip and emailed him a few wods asking him about how his dog was doing,cuz it was sick and he told me things are not going that great,for him and the dog,(I was hoping it was between him and the new gal:)
but its okay,he said he liked to talk to me on the weekends, but I paused a bit and didnt reply yet because everytime i do talk to him I start getting Titanic tears afterwards because i couldnt stand him being ,casual when i'm wanting more. Plus i'm the one who initiated this, but i am healing and learrning as I go.
I'm not sure about strictly NC, but i'll learn if i dont hear from him not to panic, there are plenty of good people here,especially in this forum I can turn to.

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You betcha hon! Hang in there I can feel that you are getting your strength back. Some time ago when I was going through the same thing a very wise lady friend told me. "You begin to heal the first time you begin to get ANGRY." "Angry at him (in your case) but especially at yourself for allowing him to do this to you." "Anger in this case is a good thing it initiates the healing process and you finally say ENOUGH OF THIS!"

Hoe you get angry...

Stringer

I was angry before, boy I wrote hateful goodbye letters to him (which I didn't send,thank goodness) but then I fall into the he did this to me, I'm worthless, but then I read those letters again,and all of this speaks true about who really is not what I thought him to be.
Any more wise sayings anyone, I like the one that lady told you Stringer