I am 25 and been with my boyfriend just over 5years now, we used to have sex loads at the start but now I'm lucky if we have sex once a month it is killing me inside, he says he just doesn't feel like it and its not me.

I no I'm insecure about myself and him not just wanting to pull all my cloths off to have sex really hurts.

When we have sex I is so great I feel like crying I just wish we could have it more often, we only see each at the weekends, so when he comes up I'm all dolled up and just want to rip his cloths of but no, then when we get into bed together still no action, then the next morning still none and it really hurts me, I feel it is me, he has told me its not but what do I believe. WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE HIM WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME??

Well maybe it's not you. Perhaps he has low testorone or some other medical issue but he's afraid to confront it. It would probably be a lot easier for him to tell you it's not you and not deal with it then face the fear of seeing a unfamiliar doctor and admitting to this problem. Perhaps you offer to go with him to a doctor, although to be honest I think that would scare him even more. You may want to ask him how he feels physically or even mentally and see if he says something has changed.

That is awfully young for a guy to only want to have sex no more than once a month. Unless he is on some kind of medication or something, he'd have to tell me more than "It's not you" If it's not you then he needs to be telling you what it is.
Don't let yourself esteem go down the drain cause he's not being honest.
Sex is not everything, but it is important and if there is a problem, there needs to be answers.
Can I ask why you guys are still just dating after 5 years and only seeing each other on the weekends?
Maybe ole boy has a girl friend.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

That is awfully young for a guy to only want to have sex no more than once a month. Unless he is on some kind of medication or something, he'd have to tell me more than "It's not you" If it's not you then he needs to be telling you what it is.
Don't let your self esteem go down the drain cause he's not being honest.
Sex is not everything, but it is important and if there is a problem, there needs to be answers.
Can I ask why you guys are still just dating after 5 years and only seeing each other on the weekends?
Maybe ole boy has a girl friend.

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My question too, I feel like you should start getting married after 5 years of dating... is there anything you feel not good about him? Don't waste your time if he is not the right one! 5 years have been a LONG time.:eek:

Is he experiencing a problem at the moment? It's not uncommon for men to have bouts of impotence where they literally can't perform. Sometimes the cause is physical and sometimes the cause is emotional. Either way, if that's the case he may be too embarrassed to talk about it. Seeing a doctor can help as there are medications that can treat this sort of thing. But he'll have to take that first step.

Don't you beat yourself up over this. How old is he?
He either had a problem or he has a girl friend. Ether way you need to be asking some questions and getting some answers.
And 5 years with this guy? I think you really need some answers and maybe a new guy.

Ok, I'd venture to say this is NOT a medical issue.
I do know that in my 20's I could not date a girl more than a year. It just wasn't natural to stay totally focused on her... I think both of you signed up a bit young for such a major partnership and he has grown apart (further than you right now anyway).. He doesn't know how to say it, OR your present situation works for him, and his needs are not as high as yours...

I would seriously consider an honest conversation about your relationship. Then if that goes well, the sex life... and if that goes well - keep dating... if not, you may be in need of a break to see if this is going to last a lifetime or not. Every relationship has a moment of truth - to grow/break/build/go-on... Now is perhaps your time to evaluate.

Assuming there is a core to work on and he is not settled into grandpa mode;
"how do you make him want sex with you?" - REMOVE THE ROUTINE. IT'S TOO EASY. TOO PREDICTABLE. YOU'RE TOO AVAILABLE.

If they are only seeing each other on the weekends and only having sex once a month what is easy and predictable about that?
Why are they only seeing each other on the weekends is what I'd like to know. You'd think he would be ready for her every time. I think there is something else going on and they need to have a talk.
This could be the end of this relationship, and he needs to be honest with her no matter what the problem is.

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Originally Posted by furball987

I am 25 and been with my boyfriend just over 5years now, we used to have sex loads at the start but now I'm lucky if we have sex once a month it is killing me inside, he says he just doesn't feel like it and its not me.

I no I'm insecure about myself and him not just wanting to pull all my cloths off to have sex really hurts.

When we have sex I is so great I feel like crying I just wish we could have it more often, we only see each at the weekends, so when he comes up I'm all dolled up and just want to rip his cloths of but no, then when we get into bed together still no action, then the next morning still none and it really hurts me, I feel it is me, he has told me its not but what do I believe. WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE HIM WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME???????

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Mabbe he has become very familiar to the way you guys make it out. Try something new out... ummm like give him a lengthy BJ os something like that.. something that would be very erotic like giving him a BJ at public places etc. something you have neva done before or in your 5 years... think of it... u know what to do now.. and what have you already done.. all the best ;-)

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Homegirl 50 disagrees: If one has to resort to giving BJs in public places to get his attention, you've got problems. She does not need to stoop to this kind of thing to get his attention. I think the relationship has run it's course. He may have a girl friend.

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Exactly!

I think this 5 year relationship has him unhappy in some major way, and you need to talk it over, talk and listen, to get to the root cause of the problem, and work on a solution. You haven't mentioned any of the common excuses such as he is tired or stressed, so I know that it hasn't been discussed in honest open terms, so that where to start.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think this 5 year relationship has him unhappy in some major way, and you need to talk it over, talk and listen, to get to the root cause of the problem, and work on a solution. You haven't mentioned any of the common excuses such as he is tired or stressed, so I know that it hasn't been discussed in honest open terms, so that where to start.

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The reason why isn't only been at the weekends is becoz he lives abit away from me and the buses aren't great, he has only started driving and comes up in the week now, and if he is working near to me he stays the hole time, I have said to him about going to the doctors but he won't listen, I have asked him is it me, and if there is anyone else and I really don't think there is he says he loves me and I beleave him. He smokes pot! And that's when I see him, he puts it down to this but I said then don't smoke it then and he laughed. I no he enjoys this and I wouldn't make him pick but do you really think it is this and it's not me he's going of. I know 5years is a long time for just to be dating but I'm still think I'm 18 lol

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Originally Posted by Ash123

Ok, I'd venture to say this is NOT a medical issue.
I do know that in my 20's I could not date a girl more than a year. It just wasn't natural to stay totally focused on her.

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I always have said to him that If he ever was unhappy I'd rather him say and I have asked him if he'd rather be friends? And he wouldn't hear of it. I'm I making it to easy for him now?

I say he's doing somebody else.

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Originally Posted by nicespringgirl

My question too, I feel like you should start getting married after 5 years of dating...is there anything you feel not good about him? Don't waste your time if he is not the right one!! 5 years have been a LONG time.:eek:

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We do talk about getting married one day but he's only 23 and I still feel young, I don't think we are both ready for all that right now.

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Originally Posted by hdubon

I say he's doing somebody else.

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What makes you say that?

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Originally Posted by furball987

I am 25 and been with my boyfriend just over 5years now, we used to have sex loads at the start but now I'm lucky if we have sex once a month it is killing me inside, he says he just doesn't feel like it and its not me.

I no I'm insecure about myself and him not just wanting to pull all my cloths off to have sex really hurts.

When we have sex I is so great I feel like crying I just wish we could have it more often, we only see each at the weekends, so when he comes up I'm all dolled up and just want to rip his cloths of but no, then when we get into bed together still no action, then the next morning still none and it really hurts me, I feel it is me, he has told me its not but what do I believe. WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE HIM WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME???????

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Question: has anything changed in your appearance? If your guy is turned off because of that he isn't the one for you. My ex and I got together young and got married young. He wasn't interested in sex either and I always thought it was about me and it wasn't, it never is. We are divorced of course and after a few more failed relationships I am finally with my life partner. We both enjoy sex very much, we are sexually compatible. It is important to ensure that you have enough in common to sustain a relationship. Friendship and communication can't be overstressed. Without the two I doubt you will be fulfilled.

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Originally Posted by marilynm

Question: has anything changed in your appearance? If your guy is turned off because of that he isn't the one for you. My ex and I got together young and got married young. He wasn't interested in sex either and I always thought it was about me and it wasn't, it never is. We are divorced of course and after a few more failed relationships I am finally with my life partner. We both enjoy sex very much, we are sexually compatible. It is important to ensure that you have enough in common to sustain a relationship. Friendship and communication can't be overstressed. Without the two I doubt you will be fulfilled.

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I've put on a few pounds but all in the right places lol If I even say about losing wait he tells me to wise up that I'm lovely the way I am and he doesn't want me to change, so I don't think if that.

I couldn't picture us apart and I see us getting married and having kids and all.

We do have things in common just not are sex drive, I have said to him about if he wishes to be friends that's OK (it will break my heart like) but he says no he loves me and wouldn't change it for the world!

Where am I going wrong?

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I'm wondering why a 23 year old guy has a so called drop in libido and doesn't care. He's blaming it on pot, but he doesn't care enough to chill with the pot so he can have sex?
I think he's lying. He may have another girl friend and does not want to give you up.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I'm wondering why a 23 year old guy has a so called drop in libido and doesn't care. He's blaming it on pot, but he doesn't care enough to chill with the pot so he can have sex?
I think he's lying. He may have another girl friend and does not want to give you up.

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I have asked him that and he says doesn't, I remember when I was younger I always told myself "if your aren't getting it at home he's getting it elsewhere" but I just couldn't see how he could have another girl, his phone is in my name and I can check it at any time, he lives with his mum and dad, who love me so he couldn't take her home and I am on the phone to him every night must times to his house so I know he's in.

Should I back off abit and act like I don't care as much, because I kind of do go over the top when he leaves to go home!

No. Don't ever pretend you don't care about something that is important. It is perfectly logical to want to know why this guy is not having sex with you. Tell him he needs to be honest with you.
BTW a guy can live with his parents and still find a place to cheat. He is not being honest with you, and you need to decide if you are going to believe him and live with it or not. But there is nothing wrong with you.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

No. Don't ever pretend you don't care about something that is important. It is perfectly logical to want to know why this guy is not having sex with you. Tell him he needs to be honest with you.
BTW a guy can live with his parents and still find a place to cheat. He is not being honest with you, and you need to decide if you are going to believe him and live with it or not. But there is nothing wrong with you.

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I have asked and I have told him to be honest and he tells me he loves me know else, and why would he come to me and stay over not to have sex if it didn't mean anything to him?

He does not want to lose you. His parents like you and they will know what he's doing. Guys do this all of the time. They will cheat on a girl and not want to give her up.
But this is something you must decide if it is important enough to you. I'd just hate to see yourself esteem be damaged because he does not have the guts to be honest. That is not nornmal for a 23 year old young man and for him to pretend it's no big deal is a sign something is up.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He does not want to lose you. His parents like you and they will know what he's doing. Guys do this all of the time. They will cheat on a girl and not want to give her up.
But this is something you must decide if it is important enough to you. I'd just hate to see your self esteem be damaged because he does not have the guts to be honest. That is not nornmal for a 23 year old young man and for him to pretend it's no big deal is a sign something is up.

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I really don't beleave he is cheatting, but I think becoz I am his 1st maybe he feels he has missed something! And maybe he wishes he didn't mate me so young but doesn't want to so say so. Becoz he knows his not my 1st

I would encourage him to see a doctor and get a checkup.

If he has nothing to hide and loves you like he claims, tell him to see a physician - go with him to ensure that he does go.

It could be due to the pot, it could be he is taking medications of some type that inhibit the libido, or he might have 'caught' something else.. Who knows. But if he does love you he will do what is necessary to reassure you.

Either way, wouldn't you want to know the reason? If he is lying on all fronts, then this will help you determine what YOU will do with your future.

Good luck, dear, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifIt's better to know than to be in constant self-doubt.

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Originally Posted by Chery

I would encourage him to see a doctor and get a checkup.

If he has nothing to hide and loves you like he claims, tell him to see a physician - go with him to ensure that he does go.

It could be due to the pot, it could be he is taking medications of some type that inhibit the libido, or he might have 'caught' something else.. Who knows. But if he does love you he will do what is necessary to reassure you.

Either way, wouldn't you want to know the reason? If he is lying on all fronts, then this will help you determine what YOU will do with your future.

Good luck, dear, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifIt's better to know than to be in constant self-doubt.

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Thanks I will say to him again about the doctor and try something new I will keep yous up to date as I need to get it off my chest, lol he says me saying about it puts him off, I should say nothing this weekend and dress up??

Ok... being a guy myself when I was his age, there were times that I didn't feel like having sex either. Some people react differently to stress in there life. I was this way... a job... dealing with family... school at the same time... can be stressful and when you have free time, you just want to relax without having someone place demands on you.

Im not saying this is the case you in your situation but don't jump to conclusions. Don't accuse anyone of cheating without proof.

Pot is definitely a big part of the problem I would think.

I just think we need a little more information on his situation. What is he doing with as far as job and school. What is his living situation and does he get along with his parents? What type of friends does he have? What is his personality like (is he easily stressed out or depressed.) How long has he been doing drugs? Does he have ambition or goals in life?

Im thinking this is more of a problem for him. He is in a rut and may not feel like he is going somewhere with his life. Just a thought... need more info before I can say anything else.

[QUOTE=Sdjosh]
I just think we need a little more information on his situation. What is he doing with as far as job and school. What is his living situation and does he get along with his parents? What type of friends does he have? What is his personality like (is he easily stressed out or depressed.) How long has he been doing drugs? Does he have ambition or goals in life?

Im thinking this is more of a problem for him. He is in a rut and may not feel like he is going somewhere with his life. Just a thought... need more info before I can say anything else.[/QUOTe

It has been going on for a few months now, but what's happeing in his life well he past his driving 6mths ago and I get to see him in the week now, he gets on great with his parents, he has just started working on his own which he says he loves, we have only seen each other for weekends and holidays for the past 5years well until he started driving, if he's working near he will stay with me as I live on my own. I am his 1st real girlfriend! His friend are great I get on with them and he gets on with mine, we go to my friends most weekends where he and her smoke pot which I don't mind.

He loves going out and partying which I don't have the money for and I don't want him paying! Being stoned will only take over the fact of that night but what about the next morning, he said he's a morning guy!

Hmmm... well.

Try spicing it up a little. Maybe taking charge and initiating it. He may just be in a rut and need a change to get him excited about sex.

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Originally Posted by Sdjosh

hmmm....well.

Try spicing it up a little. Maybe taking charge and initiating it. He may just be in a rut and need a change to get him excited about sex.

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I always did in the past dress up and all, I even remember leaving the front door opened while I was w8ing upstairs but all he is thinking about now is his food when he comes up.

Do I try it again? I'm not sure if I would cope if he says no to me!

If there is a problem in any relationship, you don't ignore it or pretend it's not bothering you. It festers and just keeps getting bigger. This is not something you can just ignore. If you were suddenly not having sex with him, he would be wondering why and would probably tell you to get whatever it is fixed.
Maybe he is partying too much, but if that is affecting your relationship he needs to put a check on it, and he would if he cares enough.
You guys need to talk. And if he doesn't want to talk, you need to decide if you want to stay in a relationship with a guy that you only see on the weekends and he can't or won't have sex with you.
You guys have been together a long time and you are both really young. It could be this relationship has run it's course, you guys have grown up and grown out of each other and he does not know how to call it quits.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You guys have been together a long time and you are both really young. It could be this relationship has run it's course, you guys have grown up and grown out of each other and he does not know how to call it quits.

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But maybe he is telling me the turth and he does love me as much as he says he does, and it is me, maybe I need to change, losing up abit, leave him alone and back off to see if he really notices, I scared to say to him again bcoz he thinks I'm just going on at him and I like picking fights

I just don't want to keep pushing him, I'm scared he'll just decide he cn't take me going on at him and leave me for good.

So what he's saying is he loves you but he does not feel like having sex, so don't bug him about it. Does that make sense to you?
So you will just feel bad about yourself and do without so he does not get mad. Does that sound right to you?
You do what you want. But I'm telling you if one person in a relationship is unhappy about something, and the other person does not want to talk about it, you are going to have problems.
You do like my grandmother used to say "Pee, or get off the pot. Then see how long you can go without peeing" Not very long. You got a problem, deal with it.
I think because you have been together for so long, you're afraid of being without him. But when you think about it, you're already without him.
Why don't you two take a break form each other and see how things go?

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Why don't you two take a break form each other and see how things go?

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I will talk to him and think about this, thanks and good night for now

Back off a bit and pay attention, he may just be in a down cycle, and you may be pushy, I don't know, but only by working together, and talking and listening can you get to the solution of this problem. Be patient and just pay attention and see what happens with no pressure from you.

I have said this to someone once before but do you think he maybe getting it else where?

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Originally Posted by furball987

his friend are great I get on with them and he gets on with mine, we go to my friends most weekends where he and her smoke pot which i don't mind.

He loves going out and partying which i don't have the money for and i don't want him paying! being stoned will only take over the fact of that nite but what about the next morning, he said he's a morning guy!!

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What about the morning? Are you then still at your 'friend's' place??

It sounds to me like he enjoys having a place to stay nearby so that he does not have to drive so far. Plus.. your place is cheaper than a flat of his own when he wants to get away from his parents. The parties are also free.. so why should he want to give all that up?

Honey, stop being the free hotel with all the fixings and party service babysitter!!

Demand he give a very, very valid explanation for the loss of his libido or tell him to seek another 'safe house'.

I am 56 years old and have never heard so so many 'red flag' warnings in one relationship at one time - where the guy refuses to face up to his actions. He's downright comfortable where he is and will continue to USE you as long as you let him.

Time to wake up, dear...

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_165_7.gifI get angry when I see another warm hearted woman get used...

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Originally Posted by furball987

i just don't want to keep pushing him, i'm scared he'll just decide he cn't take me going on at him and leave me for good.

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OK, let's imagine that you two stayed together and it's two years later...
You are still the comfortable gal and he's still not 'getting it up'. He's still smoking pot with your friend and others. He comes home later - at least a few nights a week - and you endure this.

While he is his usual self, you still doubt your attractiveness and take a few drinks during the days so that it won't bother you so much. Or you might even took on a few joints yourself and become lethargic or find a friend of your own to spend some 'cool' time with. Now.. you really feel like your are a crappy person because you lost control and 'cheated' on him for a little physical pleasure. You go on some super guilt trip and start punishing yourself in other ways...

DO YOU SEE THIS PICTURE??

So what if he threatens to leave you. He's already leaving you in way that you don't see right now, but your fear is making you blame it all on yourself.

We all fear rejection, and we all get rejected, but we live through it, and learn from it. This is a part of our emotional growth and there is absolutely no escape. ESCAPE - there is none. But we can control the circumstances of these rejections in that we choose to keep some self-respect and dignity during these painful chapters in our lives.

So here is that fork in the road.. do you see it? Which path are you going to choose for YOURSELF? Keep your sanity, dignity, self-respect and know where you stand. Or.. let yourself be blindly lead on the path to self-destruction for his benefit?

Start caring for yourself and get some answers - good or bad, it can't be worse than what you are going through right now.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gifWho do YOU want to be??

Had to spread it Chery, but it's a fact, withholding sex is a way to run out the back door.

I hear yous loud and clear, but I know he's not using me for just somewhere to stay at the weekends, as its my friend we go to see and we go home to my house afterwards.

Well he will be here soon and I will get to see him all week, can't wait! As he is working near. It's not a free house for him, he pays some of my bills and pays for my shopping and always offers/takes me out.

He was up afew days ago, we might not of had sex but abit of 4play umm, just as good sometimes, keeps me smiling for a while lol

I really will work at this as I truly love him and I do beleave he loves me too, maybe it's just new things we need to do together. I really don't beleave he is seeing someone else, but he might be fed up, I don't no, but I will be holding on as I think maybe he might have a medical pro and can't face up to it himself.

But time will tell, but Im not giving up that's for sure x