It's been over a year now that it's been over. But about half of that year my ex and I have still clearly had an emotional attachment (talking about being confused and scared that we were breaking up, etc). I admit that on his part, it's been less. But I also admit that he's a better friend and is known for having a big heart in general.

I need help. This is all affecting me greatly; even though it's been more than a year and a half since he has left!

The problem is that he's a good friend…and sometimes this confuses me into thinking that there is hope.
He doesn't tell me he loves me or doesn't ever try to get close to me physically anymore (since we have broken up), but he goes out of his way to do things for me that show someone cares. For example, I was telling my friend that I had been studying so much that I didn't have time to even eat. My friend told my ex this, and as a result my ex asked her to make sure I'm home between a certain time, and had my favorite pizza delivered to my place. Or on my birthday a few months ago, he read me a poem he wrote about me. It was platonic and about how I was his best friend. He's just a big sweetheart, and I think that's what kills. He's visited twice more since then, I've made sure not to see him because it's emotionally overbearing. I haven't told him that that is the reason, but he knows it I'm sure.

I drove him away. I had said I didn't want a serious relationship (which is what I truly felt at the time). Now I am beating myself up over that. He wanted me in every way and even talked about moving away with him and being his forever. I couldn't help but feel that this is not what I wanted at the time (I was 22). He was hurt that he was moving and that I didn't want to be his; so he left and moved on without me. I missed him and still miss him like crazy. I realized how much I wanted him and loved him when he left. I was actually realizing this months before he was leaving! I tried to tell him months before he left that I had made a mistake, and I said I would move away with him, but he said he didn't understand where my emotions were coming from because for the past two years I had been pushing him away. I tried everything to show that I was in love with him and wanted him, but nothing worked.

Now he has a new girlfriend. He's been contacting me, but he still says he only cares about me as a friend. I miss him and love him dearly. I don't know what to do. I backed off these past 8 months. I never call him, message his phone, or even message him online. I want to respect him and leave him to be with his choice. For his birthday I really pushed him away and said I was too busy to see him. I feel horrible, but I know if I see him all I will want to do is cry in his arms...

I miss him and I love him so much. I know we are meant to be together. I wish that we could just love each other deeply at the same time. It's as if we have been taking turns. What do I do to get him back or make him see we are meant to be together? I've tried no contact, and it has had him seeking me out, but then it's faded when I respond or join in getting the communication going again. And no contact, I have to admit, makes me feel like a bad friend. He goes out of his way to do things for me or contact me and to show he cares, but I've been distancing myself because I've also been attempting to accept that we cannot be together. That's not what I want to do though! I just want to be in his arms. I'm confused as to what I should do. No contact has also made use grow apart... like he had a new phone number and I didn't know about it until he called me weeks after he got it. Or I moved to a new place and he never knew about it until he came to town. Etc, etc. We use to be first to know things about each other, but now we're last. This scares me.

Sorry to hear this. I have made a similar mistake in my life.

You made a mistake, learn from it. That's really all the advice I can give.

Keep in touch with him and love him as a friend. Maybe one day the circumstances will turn and you might be able to work towards being together again. But right now you can't. You need to move on in your life as he has in his.

Mistakes are worthless if we don't learn from them. This will start getting unhealthy for you if you don't start making moves to let go of him. This probably isn't what you want to hear. Sorry.

Many people make mistakes, it's the way you handle it which defines you from others.

An easy way to realize the reason for everything happening, is to simply think of how we began as young children. We put certain things in our mouths that tasted terrible, but we learned not to ever put it in out mouths again. We went to places where we shouldn't have, and when we realized that it was a mistake since we got in trouble, we never went there again. This applies to everything that we have learned and will continue to learn throughout our lives. Almost everything that we learn and know, comes from, or came from trial and error... which is simply doing things, some right, some wrong, and learning from the wrong.

In your case, you gained many things from your relationship with your ex-bf, however, you probably don't see it as a gain... but what you gained, is the knowledge of the strength of love. Having gained this knowledge, you will be able to carry this on with you forever, and the next time you find someone you are that in love with (it could be someone else, or even him... don't wait around with expectations and high hopes though) you will use this knowledge to make sure you don't push them away, and will instead nurture the powerful love that you share with this person.

I know that it is hard to see this now, but eventually you will look back and realize this... be it that you wind up with him, or another person. You need to continue to live your life, do things that make you feel good about yourself, do things that you really enjoy, and continue to become a better person everyday. Seek for that knowledge of the strength of love that I was talking about, and once you realize that you have that knowledge, it will be apparent to others as well... but first you must realize it yourself. Then, as you continue to make yourself stronger, you will feel great about yourself, and realize that, if you ever see him again, you will take him by surprise... and on the off chance it doesn't take him by surprise... then you just brush it off, because no matter what he thinks, you will still be this great strong person that you created... and someone will be taken by surprise, and you will have the chance to do it right. We could spend all day trying to fix the mistakes in the world, but we would die before we even made any progress. So keep your head up... and most importantly, focus on yourself, and everything will naturally fall in place. Many people would die to have someone care about them, as you say you care about your ex... and if he won't be the one that appreciates it, the right person will, and they will make you feel appreciated in return. Keep your head up and let us know how things go over time with you. Take care!

I feel like my worth value has come down in his eyes. I'm the "ex" that cannot even see him anymore as friends. His other 2 ex girlfriends do hangout with him and they are friends with him.

I have tried to hangout with him, but "not doing so" has made it a bit easier for me to accept the breakup...

These past few days have been very bad. I miss him.

Well, if it's too hard to be only friends with him, I think it's time to bandage it up and leave it to heal. You can't heal if you keep peeling off the scab.

I would recommend initiating no contact. In your situation I think it's okay to say goodbye to him, tell him it's too painful to only be friends with him because you want more. Tell him you can't be in his life in any way anymore. That you need to get over him.

It will take a very long time, but if you keep out of contact with him (and this will need you to be very strong at times), then it will heal eventually. Fill your life with friends and hobbies when you feel you can manage, you need to start moving on, start a new chapter. Live and Learn.

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The problem is that he's a good friend…and sometimes this confuses me into thinking that there is hope.

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Unlike his other exes, you have not sufficiently healed from this relationship, and whether you had more emotions invested in him than you thought, you need more time to put this behind, and move on, as his very presence still tweaks some very intense feelings in you. Get out of his life for a while, and focus on just you, and your own happiness, until you can better deal with the feelings your holding on to. You just need more time.

Danger. ABORT!!
You are in the friend ZONE!!
Fine, if thast works for you - but it doesn't... read on:

If you had read this you hopefully would have preserved some sanity: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

You are a luxury to him. An old trusted friend. IF you all are meant to be together, it is HIS responsibility, not yours. I DO believe in extending an olive branch ONCE (it has worked for me!) But you have extended a redwood....enough.

DO not feel guilty about getting a new life and see what life has in store for you. If it is meant to be - it will be - but please, please, please, pretty please with sweet-n-low on top, stop trying to rekindle this. That SLOWS it down.

I think some couples CAN reunite after deciding they are great friends and lovers - and fate takes over... but not until they both do their part... test the waters with a clear head. FLY be FREE!

Hugs from the internet...

Honestly the best thing you can do is to stick with NC. Although real hard! In time maybe you can be friends or maybe more. You still have your whole life ahead of you, why rush? Hes still alive and so are you. Just means you will both have time to learn about the world and life etc etc.

Perhaps you made a mistake. Perhaps it can be rectified in the future but in your current emotional state I don't think anything can be made of it until you have healed.

If only our mouth was on a 10 second delay. Every one of us has no such fuxury.

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Originally Posted by statictable

If only our mouth was on a 10 second delay. Every one of us has no such fuxury.

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In what context? Sounds like you have regrets?

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Originally Posted by Ash123

Danger. ABORT!!
You are in the friend ZONE!!
Fine, if thast works for you - but it doesn't...read on:

If you had read this you hopefully would have preserved some sanity: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

You are a luxury to him. An old trusted friend. IF you all are meant to be together, it is HIS responsibility, not yours. I DO believe in extending an olive branch ONCE (it has worked for me!) But you have extended a redwood....enough.

DO not feel guilty about getting a new life and see what life has in store for you. If it is meant to be - it will be - but please, please, please, pretty please with sweet-n-low on top, stop trying to rekindle this. That SLOWS it down.

I think some couples CAN reunite after deciding they are great friends and lovers - and fate takes over....but not until they both do their part....test the waters with a clear head. FLY be FREE!!

hugs from the internet....

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You know what Ash? Sometimes I worry that when I'm not coming to see him, as he's been asking when he comes to vist, or when I'm not returning his calls and text messages anymore... that I might be pushing him away when he's trying to get us "back together". Like for example, he did all these things for my birthday while he was living in England... but when he came back home for his own birthday, I didn't even come to see him or give him his gift. I thought it was too painful so I wouldn't respond to him. He also had called me many times from England, but I never once called him myself. I actually haven't called him "once" in over a year.

I fear this so much. But I've decided to not respond anymore to him because every time I did respond... I've had these thoughts that "maybe he does love me"... only to find that his love purely is only in the "friendship" sense. And this kills me... because I want more, and keep hoping for more.

So, what do I do? Do I continue to ignore his emails, phone calls, etc? Does this risk preventing us working at it, and getting back together? It seems to only be making us grow apart... like I said, he didn't even know that I moved, and I didn't even know his phone-number anymore, etc...

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Originally Posted by Capuchin

Well, if it's too hard to be only friends with him, i think it's time to bandage it up and leave it to heal. You can't heal if you keep peeling off the scab.

I would recommend initiating no contact. In your situation I think it's okay to say goodbye to him, tell him it's too painful to only be friends with him because you want more. Tell him you can't be in his life in any way anymore. That you need to get over him.

It will take a very long time, but if you keep out of contact with him (and this will need you to be very strong at times), then it will heal eventually. Fill your life with friends and hobbies when you feel you can manage, you need to start moving on, start a new chapter. Live and Learn.

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Yeah I've told him before that it's too painful to only be friends... and that I want it to say goodbye... but then he has initiated contact before telling me he misses me as a friend... and that he does not want this to be the last memory between us.

He loves me very deeply as a friend, but never more than one anymore. I haven't contacted him in over a year, but I use to respond to him contacting me.

Now I don't anymore... I feel guilty that even on his birthday I wouldn't see him when he came down to visit, especially when he was doing so much for me while he was in England. Am I pushing him away? Now I'm not responding to his text messages, phone calls, etc...

On his actual birthday date, he wanted me to come and have dinner with his family. He said that I was his only friend he wanted there before his birthday party on the weekend, which included all of his friends.

This confuses me into thinking there is hope... because he does at least love me "a lot" in some realm. But I didn't respond... I want to stop crying and longing for us to be together. And as I've said a million times, I feel that maybe me not responding or acknowleding these calls or messages anymore, is going to wedge us apart. I feel like not responding to him on his birthday was the final blow?

I've told him in the past that even though I want no contact, or if I stop talking to him, it's never about me "hating" him, but it's because I love him and need to move on. I hope he remembers that...

Maybe its kind of a bad habit for him still contacting you. As said your in no state for a relationship at the moment, specially when he's in England! Away from you. This will give you ample time to learn if he's in a different country.

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Originally Posted by Sad Soul

I've told him in the past that even though I want no contact, or if I stop talking to him, it's never about me "hating" him, but it's because I love him and need to move on. I hope he remembers that...

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You've said and done all you could here... and I'm sure he has fond memories of you. The only problem is that YOU don't have fond memories of YOU..

If you still feel guilty that you did not celebrate his birthday with him, then this is something you have to work on. He had no control over this decision then and cannot make your guilt over it disappear.

It will also not do you any good to go through the 'what ifs'. It is time to learn to stand alone and like yourself.

We all learn something from every relationship we are involved with, so take the lesson learned and make sure you don't make the same mistakes in the future.

You need closure on this, so please work on it and good luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_14.gif

He sent me a text today saying "what's up?"
Because I haven't heard from him in a long time, it was a bit of a shock to me. I actually cried because I was so happy to have that little communication with him... despite being the one to tell him we shouldn't talk anymore.

I'm not going to respond to it. I know I shouldn't because I'm still in love with him, but I also, like I've been saying, feel horrible because I can't be a good friend right now. I wish I was strong enough to just "switch" to being friends.

My girlfriend told me yesterday that her cousin and her boyfriend had been broken up for five years, and had no contact. The ex boyfriend emailed her cousin a few months ago, and now the two are getting married. When I heard this I started to cry. It sounded like the impossible.

Great! Keep it up. :)

[quote=Sad Soul]

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I'm not going to respond to it. I know I shouldn't because I'm still in love with him, but I also, like I've been saying, feel horrible because I can't be a good friend right now. I wish I was strong enough to just "switch" to being friends.

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Honey, some people are good 'just friends material'. Those type are usually not as emotionally involved as their partners in the first place. I'm not saying that he didn't love you, just saying there are different types of love. On a scale of 1 to 10.. his 10 might be your 5.. Depending on emotional growth.

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My girlfriend told me yesterday that her cousin and her boyfriend had been broken up for five years, and had no contact. The ex boyfriend emailed her cousin a few months ago, and now the two are getting married. When I heard this I started to cry. It sounded like the impossible.

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I am certain that their earlier relationship grew while they were apart. They both had a chance to develop and mature, achieve closure of the past, and liked how each has changed. Ask them what they went through and you'll probably be able to compare a few instances. What happened to them was time and growth.

So.. give time and growth a chance in your life. It might surprise you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gifWork on what you'd like to see in the mirror.

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Originally Posted by Sad Soul

He sent me a text today saying "what's up?"
Because I haven't heard from him in a long time, it was a bit of a shock to me. I actually cried because I was so happy to have that little communication with him...despite being the one to tell him we shouldn't talk anymore.

I'm not going to respond to it. I know I shouldn't because I'm still in love with him, but I also, like i've been saying, feel horrible because I can't be a good friend right now. I wish I was strong enough to just "switch" to being friends.

My girlfriend told me yesterday that her cousin and her boyfriend had been broken up for five years, and had no contact. The ex boyfriend emailed her cousin a few months ago, and now the two are getting married. When I heard this I started to cry. It sounded like the impossible.

---

You are still in love. It's not a crime... But not healing is - to yourself.
If you all are to be - it will NOT be now... or any time close to now.
This guy needs to understand that this dynamic does not work for you.
PLEASE stop the contact.
If need be, tell him that being friends does not work for you right now, and it will one day.
AND you are so glad for the times you shared and look forward to one day being friends again after you have some time alone... or something like that - You WILL be very surprised who comes into your life from past or future once you go forward... That's what makes life happen. Going forward. Even while hurting... it's part of the heart prescription process .

You tried friendship - no go
You tried contact - no go

Now try another remedy, peace and quiet and breathing in your own needs...

Whhhhoooooohhhhhhhh: Breathe

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Originally Posted by Ash123

You are still in love. It's not a crime....But not healing is - to yourself.
If you all are to be - it will NOT be now...or any time close to now.
This guy needs to understand that this dynamic does not work for you.
PLEASE stop the contact.
If need be, tell him that being friends does not work for you right now, and it will one day.
AND you are so glad for the times you shared and look forward to one day being friends again after you have some time alone...or something like that - You WILL be very surprised who comes into your life from past or future once you go forward....That's what makes life happen. Going forward. Even while hurting....it's part of the heart prescription process .

You tried friendship - no go
You tried contact - no go

Now try another remedy, peace and quiet and breathing in your own needs....

Whhhhoooooohhhhhhhh: Breathe

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I wish I could give you another point, but I have to spread some reputation first. Yes I love how you put that peace and quiet and breathing on my own is what's needed.

It's hard, but I'm working on it. It's off and on every day, but in general, the more I stop contact, the better I get.

[QUOTE=Chery]

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Originally Posted by Sad Soul

Honey, some people are good 'just friends material'. Those type are usually not as emotionally involved as their partners in the first place. I'm not saying that he didn't love you, just saying there are different types of love. On a scale of 1 to 10.. his 10 might be your 5.. depending on emotional growth.



I am certain that their earlier relationship grew while they were apart. They both had a chance to develop and mature, achieve closure of the past, and liked how each has changed. Ask them what they went through and you'll probably be able to compare a few instances. What happened to them was time and growth.

So.. give time and growth a chance in your life. It might surprise you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gifWork on what you'd like to see in the mirror.

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The system won't let me give you another reputation yet, but I just wanted to say that what you wrote is clearly the truth. This time apart is for a reason; and all for good reasons... like each of us working on ourselves.

Thanks Cherry for taking the time to help me out.

I was being pretty strong until today I met up with some old friends. These old friends happen to be very good friends with my ex as well. I would say fifty percent of the time they kept talking about him... and this made me think more and more about him. It's actually got me very depressed and I can't stop crying.

Today I was thinking I will never heal like this. I want to contact him, or at least contact him back next time he tries again... I miss him so much.

But I know if I see him, it will be odd because we will have to act on a more distant level (because we can't hold each other the same way we did when we were "together", etc).

I'm amazed by people who move on. I'm actually more amazed by people who get back together.

Yes, but your goal here is to be 'amazed' at yourself.

It will be amazing to find that you can stand alone and enjoy life. It will be amazing that you can socialize again without thinking that your right or left arm is missing. You need to work on the 'whole' you, and not on any appendages.

What happens once you have gone through this stage of 'mourning' is going to amaze you too. There is a whole world out there with people constantly changing. Nobody is standing still, they all keep going, no matter what.

Look around, almost every 4th person out there shares a history like your's at present, or in the past.. and that they all keep going.

Welcome to the real world.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifThat's why we envy children.

You will have a really hard time, if you do not commit fully to your own healing, and accept that is what you have to do. If it means new friends, then do so. Stop and think, he is use to being friends with his exes, so how attractive can you be to him at this time? Disappear from his life, and get one of your own, and stop this false hope that hits you every time you hear his name. We have all been through this, and healing is the only way to go, as you have invested far more into this than he has, so now you must back it up, and get your own happiness back, without him. You will have bad days, but eventually they will become less, and then you can look around and see the life you can have.

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I pray to be with him and keep "hoping". And of course that doesn't get me anywhere in the healing process.

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I know what you mean, and it is a very hard thing to keep the emotions in check, and be happy, and very honestly the healing process is very hard to go through. Almost anything, even our own thoughts, can throw us off. But the rewards are well worth it. You will be a better and stronger person for it. Hang in there.

Thanks for your messages Talaniman. I'm very off today and keep thinking of being with him again. I'm trying to take my mind off things by focusing on school and my career... but despite wanting to do that, I'm back in a stage of being baffled and insecure about the world. It's like I don't trust life as much anymore.. It's just one of those days where I can't believe reality is as it is.

Something else scares me. My friend Donald still contacts his girlfriend, but finds her annoying and wishes she would stop loving him. I don't understand... wouldn't a guy just not contact his ex in this case? It got me thinking that maybe my ex contacts me out of obligation. But then I think that's profound because he contacts me "so damn much".

Or actually, it's died down a bit more since when he calls, emails or comes back into town, I won't speak to him, write back, or call him back. Is this action pushing him away? Or am I doing the right thing? I have no idea what to do... and I do, for the most part, just let it be and try to live my life... but sometimes the pain is truly unbearable. I know I can live without him, but I feel as though I can't.

One of the #1 questions that comes up a lot here is....If I ignore the person that broke up with me, will that drive them away? The answer is simply: NO.

Stay out of the FRIEND ZONE - until you truly want to be in it... Otherwise you are going to suffer. He can have you as a friend in a few years if, when you are ready.
Get it? It's your time frame now - not his...

There is nothing wrong with holding your ground. It does NOT make things worse.
We struggle to feel in control of a relationship after it has gone bad, and one way is to give our actions undue power. The BREAKER knows that the BREAKEE has been hurt and will not respond unless the proper (in the mind of the breakee) words, actions have been displayed over time - and even then it is up to the breakee if it's too little too late.

One exception I've seen: If a woman in a long-term relationship (and both parties are over 25) breaks with a man because she just doesn't feel properly respected, loved, supported. Then, if the man is contacted, he can emphasize his support for her in a specific way, because she may feel like the breakee - despite being the breaker... And even then, his words should be to the point and let her think.

Sad Soul.. HE IS FEELING SORRY FOR YOU.

That's what guys almost always feel first. Sorry for the girl they left, because they know how hard it's going to be. Some think it is doing them a favor by maintaing contact, but it's unfair to the gal. It's also an ego problem on the dude's side.. he's flattered that the girls is so broken up beause of him.

Your friend Donald gave give you insight of what a guy thinks and feels after a break-up, but each is also unique, so don't take all at face value.

Your healing process is not just going to let you live a life, it's going to save your life... it will stop it from standing still and get you to grow. You don't stop growth when you've reached physical maturity, it keeps going on.. that mind of ours is an amazing thing.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

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Originally Posted by Chery

Sad Soul.. HE IS FEELING SORRY FOR YOU.

That's what guys almost always feel first. Sorry for the girl they left, because they know how hard it's going to be. Some think it is doing them a favor by maintaing contact, but it's unfair to the gal. It's also an ego problem on the dude's side.. he's flattered that the girls is so broken up beause of him.

Your friend Donald gave give you insight of what a guy thinks and feels after a break-up, but each is also unique, so don't take all at face value.

Your healing process is not just going to let you live a life, it's going to save your life... it will stop it from standing still and get you to grow. You don't stop growth when you've reached physical maturity, it keeps going on.. that mind of ours is an amazing thing.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

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I'm sure, like you have said Cherry, that a part of him does pity me or feel sorry for me. I'm the girl that, after a year of breakup, is still in love with him. Like you also said, every situation is unique... so I think a part of him does care about me. But I don't know what's what - or what it is exactly is... or why we can't be together.

I hope to God that I become a better person, smarter person, more secure person, etc while we have this time apart. I hope this time apart is so that we can better ourselves and then be ready for each other.

And that thought is probably not healthy either? I just miss my best bud. I feel like family died or something.

"I know I should stay out of the friend zone and I struggle to do so. I miss him dearly, but that is the only way to heal..."

Agreed.

Yes, It's trading one kind of pain for another... BUT the pain of separation lessens with time, once there is an end...
While the pain of "hanging on" stays the same: Ouch.

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Originally Posted by Ash123

"I know I should stay out of the friend zone and I struggle to do so. I miss him dearly, but that is the only way to heal..."

Agreed.

Yes, It's trading one kind of pain for another...BUT the pain of separation lessens with time, once there is an end...
while the pain of "hanging on" stays the same: Ouch.

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Yeah it is easier not to see him... but I'm suffering the consequences of us drifting apart and not knowing things about each other. This frightens the hell out of me.

And I'm really fearing that I have pushed him away when there may have been many chances of him trying to get us back together or to get communication going. He is very very shy, so I know he would never come out and just say it.

On Christmas he called me and I wouldn't call him back. He messaged me wishing me a merry Christmas. Again I did not respond. He came by the next day and gave my mother my gift. He even had a box of chocolates for my family. This memory of not calling him back haunts me. I thought at the time that contact with him was unbearable.

I was too fearful to get communication going again. I love him so much, but I realize I'm not ready to be friends at all. Like, I can't go from being so close to him and kissing his face, to being just friends. I love all the advice everyone is giving me here... but a part of me is desperately waiting for someone to suggest a magic spell.

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Originally Posted by Sad Soul

Yeah it is easier not to see him...but I'm suffering the consequences of us drifting apart and not knowing things about eachother. This frightens the hell out of me.

And I'm really fearing that I have pushed him away when there may have been many chances of him trying to get us back together or to get communication going. He is very very shy, so I know he would never come out and just say it.

On Christmas he called me and I wouldn't call him back. He messaged me wishing me a merry Christmas. Again I did not respond. He came by the next day and gave my mother my gift. He even had a box of chocolates for my family. This memory of not calling him back haunts me. I thought at the time that contact with him was unbearable.

I was too fearful to get communication going again. I love him so much, but I realize I'm not ready to be friends at all. Like, I can't go from being so close to him and kissing his face, to being just friends. I love all the advice everyone is giving me here...but a part of me is desperately waiting for someone to suggest a magic spell.

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Ok, remember: He came by at X-MAS AFTER you didn't call him back.
And what did he do? He brought chocolates... CLEARLY, CLEARLY, CLEARLY, you did not push him away. He could have spoken to you or asked to discuss a reunion if he wanted. He did not. He brought candy. Nice - but not nice enough...

Not calling DOES NOT push people away... If they have something to say or email or write that is substantial THEN you can respond. Don't torture yourself... well, how about just torturing yourself... less :-)

To give yourself a break, why don't you tell him that you think "your relationship is one that was one of love and "more than friends" and since that is not what you have now, it's easier for you not to communicate right now.....But one day I can do that when I am in the right spot...."

Then, he knows how you feel. Your work is over. Go silent and don't live with regrets.

And good things will happen. You may be surprised-it may someone else that fills your head.

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Yeah it is easier not to see him... but I'm suffering the consequences of us drifting apart and not knowing things about each other. This frightens the hell out of me.

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You aren't drifting apart, your broken up, and getting on with life.

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Originally Posted by Ash123

Ok, remember: He came by at X-MAS AFTER you didn't call him back.
And what did he do? He brought chocolates.....CLEARLY, CLEARLY, CLEARLY, you did not push him away. He could have spoken to you or asked to discuss a reunion if he wanted. He did not. He brought candy. Nice - but not nice enough....

Not calling DOES NOT push people away....If they have something to say or email or write that is substantial THEN you can respond. Don't torture yourself...well, how about just torturing yourself....less :-)

To give yourself a break, why don't you tell him that you think "your relationship is one that was one of love and "more than friends" and since that is not what you have now, it's easier for you not to communicate right now.....But one day I can do that when I am in the right spot...."

Then, he knows how you feel. Your work is over. Go silent and don't live with regrets.

And good things will happen. You may be surprised-it may someone else that fills your head.

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I wish I could give a hundred greenies here. That's the perfect thing to say to him. I guess I knew that's how I felt, but it's nice to see someone put it in words. I can't give you a greenie, but thank you very much for your post. Thanks to everyone actually. This does help.

And on a side note, he bought me a ceramic curling iron for Christmas... which is what I wanted but never bought because it was too expensive. The chocolates were for my family.
But yeah you are right that it wasn't nice enough... because the perfect gift is his love and us getting back together.

I know he said he could see how much I love him and that I'm the girl who loved him the "most" in life, but he also had said he only felt friendship for me. The reason why I hang on and pray so much is because the deep and strong friendship he has for me always makes me think that it could change to a deep love one day.

A curling iron!

Now that's LOVE!!!!!!

Oh dear. Love makes us all a little crazy. It's safe to say that he did you a favor. And your next - yes your NEXTTTTTTTT man, will have more than a curling iron to give you. His heart will be included too... Men go crazy for women that take the good with the bad. It makes them feel empowered too. Be that woman now for someone new... enough with "what's his name" - a good friend is nice... but thank god you didn't marry him. Or you wouldn't be writing me, you'd be writing a divorce attorney - and they are a lot more expensive.

Yeah it confuses me because he acts like a very good friend... and I got him nothing for Christmas... and I never called or messaged him.
And no Ash... he does not try to get me gifts that would make me think he's in love with me. He's stated over and over that we're best friends. But for me, I see the deep best friend love as a potential for turning into love again.

I'm so sorry for the way things turned out. I'm at the lowest point that I have been in months. I was doing okay for a while, and then it started hitting me again. This week I've bumped into so many of his friends, heard about him more than usual, etc, and it's all engraved his face into my mind again.

I know I should ignore him, just move on, focus on me... but I feel so weak right now.

Yep. Sometimes I'm higher than a kite... and sometimes I find myself wishing for her 2 walk back into my life (which leaves me 2 taking the blame for our breakup).

No blame she lost a great guy, only time and patience will she see what she gave up they ALWAYS do realise one day normally when its to late...

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Originally Posted by LUK3Y

Yep. Sometimes im higher than a kite... and sometimes i find myself wishing for her 2 walk back into my life (which leaves me 2 taking the blame for our breakup).

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DUDE... trust me. Your life is not over. Print this page out and you will look back and laugh one day about this chick! You are SUPPOSED to hurt at this age... as f-'d up as that seems.
That's how we become better people, lovers, mates... if you don't - you will not be good later... the funny thing is you need to hurt MORE... (more times, more girls, to get where you want to get in life) really...

Hang in there bud

Read my post and you will KNOW how much I understand and have compassion for you! I heard a saying once, "with every goodbye...you LEARN." I did the pushing away as well because of many different reasons. When he had finally "had it" and said he did NOT want the relationship anymore, it FORCED me to look at MYSELF. I did not know the true meaning of love because it didn't come in a manuel when I was growing up. Relationships were never logical to me. Many times we are in a co dependent whirlwind without ever realizing it. As much as I have been hurting over this last breakup, it has turned me to seeking professional help. We can't love in a healthy way until we look within ourselves and CHANGE those defense mechanisms which were forming themselves and insulating themselves since childhood. It really is about believing in something greater than yourself to show you the way to a stable, sound, mature, non fearing mindset. The depression and anxiety is a cylce which really can be broken. As hard and painful as it is, dear one, you have to keep "laying it down" even if it is moment to moment. I know your pain and just wanted to give you encouragement to keep believing you CAN have a life outside this man. Yes, I have had to battle every night for the past 3 weeks, the emptiness of missing his phone calls before I went to bed each night. We were planning a life together. It hurts. There are days I have to force myself out of the house to go places without him. As for the wishing and the praying? Well, I concentrate not so much anymore about having him back in my life as I do on seeking health, energy, widom, and learning how to change MY destructive behavior and conquer the fear. Yes.. you are still mourning... I know I mourned more than a year after my father died. Eventually, I sought grievance counseling because I missed him so much. For me, I had a great deal of rejection and abandonment issues which have wired me to react the way I do. These are the very issues I am working on today to be a better person tomorrow. Remember... "with ever goodbye...you LEARN."