Ask Me Help Desk - I'm warning everybody about her

The girl I was with previously, I pretty much fell in love with and did so much for her only to be turned aside. I found out today that she has been scheming on my friend a day after she breaks up with me and I warned him not to deal with her. I think it would be wrong if I didn't at least WARN anybody who is thinking about messing with her about what she'll do to them. I thought her ex boyfriend was a bad guy. I found myself wrong. He was used the same way as me and now I can relate to him. Tell me what you think about these "warnings".

I think it shows what a good guy u are and u don't want to see this girl hurt any other person. Trust me she is going to get what is coming to her, don't forget that!!

But will others take you seriously or think you are "sour grapes"? Certainly other guys will think "I'm different and she won't do that with ME".

My advice is to NOT warn anyone. When you do, you are putting her down and making yourself look bad and used and weak. She may act differently with another guy, or may grow up and not scheme any longer.

Don't let this girl run wild... if she really is a scheming type of girl... then let your friends know

Warning others will not stop her. Warning other guys will not stop them from thinking she will be different with them. (In fact, they might be attracted to her because she sounds so wicked and delicious.) Warning others will hurt only you, not her.

I totally agree with wondergirl. It's not your place to warn her prospects.

I think you need to get a grip, and leave her business alone, and get some yourself.

Listen... I found that even when I was going out with her, she was hittign on my friend and she thinks that she's going to get with him right after. I can't let that happen to one of my buddies. I must warn them if you ask me because how much it hurts to see what she really can do to guys. IDC what anybody says in rejection because it is right to warn people, especially friends who respect you. After what she did to me, I can't help but keep her back and let her know that I won't let her do this. If they don't take me serious then let them do whatever they want. He'll her and she'll take everything from them and then leave herself. She did it to her ex, me and now she's trying to do it to a close friend and thinks I wouldn't find out about it. Just like all her lies. She didn't care if I found out, she'd just lie some more. After how much she messed with my head, I can't stand to see anyone else go through it. Sure enough it will happen anyway but I might as well try.

I don't see how you can say to NOT warn friends. I will not get on anyone's I'll just tell them straight up to be careful. She uses men like a pack of matches. It's sad to think there are so many like that out there. And my friend is the one who called me and told me about her hitting on me. That's loyalty and if she does the same thing to another guy after my warning, they'll realize how stupid they were and do the same thing.

I agree that it makes you look bad, let your friends find out for themselves if they decide to see her. And whose to say they're going to try and start a real relationship, they might take your warning and decide she might be a "one night stand" kind of girl and go for her anyway.

Telling everyone you know that she was mean and broke your heart makes you seem weak, certainly talk to your closest friends about it but more distant friends will think it's weird you even bring it up. Just forget about her and don't make other people see you differently, everyone has bad breakups.

A man would just walk away to the next mountain to climb,
Not just run around the bottom of the mountain yelling at the clouds...

Move on. Unless a close friend is diving in to her tar pit, leave it alone.
And ride on to through the pass cowboy...

That's what it is. I will not go to a person with a weakness. But at least if I tell them and they don't listen and they get f***ed, I can say " I told ya so" haha, so it will make them learn the lesson of a break up in a more short version. All they'll be able to say is" I didn't listen to her ex and I fell into the "tar pit trap" lol

I think you are doing it for the wrong reasons... Revenge/spite.

If it makes you feel better - great. But try to focus on yourself and not her.

She is occupying too much of your mind... and she's winning.

No you're wrong. I am the kind of person who doesn't like to see people go through sh*t especially after I have been through so much in my life. If it is wrong to warn my friends of the bats in the cave then I don't know what to say. I'm not going to pass out frigging fliers for it. I'm just saying if she tries to ruin any of my friends, I will warn them of it before it becomes a possibility. I hate to see people get their hearts broken by girls. 1 person is a difference.

Hello.

I know your trying to help other guys but what's going to happen is you will be the bad guy and for what?? If she is as good as it sounds the guys are going to fall for her and think with their lower heads anyway. They will think your hurt and that's why your talking bad about her. Just like you thought her ex was the bad guy and you found out that was wrong it was her. If a friend asks you about her then that's one thing but you can't try to tell others.

Once you break up walk away and don't look back.

Dennis777

You're ranting, Mike.
And like all the others here, I agree, it's making you look bad.
Do you think if you warn the whole state what a loser you think she is, she won't find anybody and she'll come back to you?
Lick your wounds and move along...

I think you need to keep your opinions to yourself. You'll be sounding like a sore loser. It's vengeful and childish. If she is such a bad person the other guys will find out. Stay out of her affairs

Your lying to yourself, and everyone else, as to your motives and actions with this so called warning. She didn't do anything to you, that you didn't allow her to, so be ready to tell everyone the part you played, in this so called relationship. Let it go.

Ah nobody gets it... there's more to it. She is so messed up because of her mom. Whenever she gets into a relationship where she really loves the person, her mom will always fk things up. I don't want the victim to be them. It turns out my friend just thought she liked him xD but he explained to me more today so I did that for nothing. I shouldn't really speak so soon because I learned more. I had it all wrong and you I know I'm stupid for that. She didn't use me. Instead coincidently her mother decided in her crazy head that she liked Idealya better without me. There was nobody to give her pride against her mom and her diminishing messages she sends out to her daughter(s). She works like a slave only to be abused and told she doesn't do anything by a crazy mother. Which leads me to say the hell with those who assumed things like "after that she'll come back to me" and I'm trying to look like a sore loser. This isn't my opinion, I know this after all the problems her Mom gave me. She never took a chance to know me or respect me with me and for that she is rotten. And a lot of people have my intentions all wrong. I should have never posted this question because this is one matter I can't explain the way I want it to be heard. I don't even agree with the first person to post on this question. She isn't the one who makes people victims of a bad relationship, but her mom's the one who is. I guess I should have warned them about the mom. I really am taking it off Idealya and putting on her mom. Her mom is not right, she has a mental problem called DID or APD. Anti social personality disorder, And she uses the daughters living in the house to get paid insurance money by the state. She sits on her lazy butt all day and yells at them telling them to do everything and when they do, they have no reward. Their reward is being degraded as humans and making them feel as if their lives are worthless.Imagine this day after day what it will do to a person's good mentality,it will spoil it. I took her and made her realize she wasn't worthless as well as her 2nd sister and the third sister contributes to "snitching" on them and leading them to do things that in the end, hurt other people. Neither of us wanted the relationship to end but it wasn't going to go anywhere now. If whenever she moves out of her house and is pursuing her own life, maybe I'll step back in. All I know is I took a bad thing and made it good and now I lose her. But knowing this I was able to get over the relationship quickly and people's support from internet to right in my local existence. I called her, told her I respected her decision and I was sorry for making her feel rotten for doing it. It was the right thing for both of us. I will still talk to her and I'm really happy about that. I have felt better than I have in months over this because I don't have this weight on my shoulders. She's still stuck in her mom and sisters control but I can't change it and neither can she. The good thing is now, she has an even higher incentive to do good and school and get a job and get the hell out of her house. I'm happy and the happiest I've been for 2 months. I'm glad I can still talk to her as the friend she always was to me. I didn't want to lose that so I think I have achieved nirvana : D. I don't have to feel sad over the break up. I don't want another relationship after all this and neither does she so I don't need to worry about her ending up with another scumbag who will demean her. There's things I can't change like the fact that I hate her smoking cigarettes. My whole family smokes them and I feel like I'm going to be the next victim. I asked her to "please not get addicted. I don't want to see another important person to me turn into a full blown nicotine addict. I'll have to let the fact that she does smoke slide. But I trust her smarts to not let her fall into dependency on it. And I was wrong about the ex boyfriend and I take dimly take back that statement. He really was a loser. I think I forgot what he did to her when I was in awe about the break up but I was confused as to why it happened. Now things are clearer than they've ever been. But to add to that, her ex boyfriend pretty much forced her into having sex and eventually one day she kept saying no and he made her anyway. He damaged her insides much like a serial rapist would do. Her sister (who is like a sister to me I might add) is the one who told me about this back when I started going out with her and as I spoke to her about it, Idealya(the poor girl ) ran inside the bathroom and vomited all over everything inside. She was out of commission for about 2 1/2 months and traumatized as well. I got way too ahead of myself in what I thought was the truth about this but only because I was never subject to learning what the problem really was at that time. It was when I just broke up with her that I wrote this original post. I was in a very angry, apathetic state of mind and just wanted to kill her. I'd like to hope people don't think I'm full of crap and give negative comments on this post. I don't care now because everything is the way it should be for me and my once-was girlfriend will make it through. Maybe, I don't know why I think this, but when she moves out on her own, I will end up back with her. I don't know but it feels that way. I might end up being the one of 3% of people who get back in a relationship with their ex partner. I will never go back to a relationship with her if she lives with her mom and that is that. She changed my life believe it or not. I used to have nothing to look forward to in my day so I smoked pot...She replaced that as soon as i went out with her and now I feel like I could NEVER go back to that crap. If it wasn't for her I'd still be stuck in the same position. It's been near half a yr and I haven't smoked and I feel a lot better without it. I feel like I can reach my academic potential a lot easier now. So I guess things are gonna go good for the most part. Hopefully, they do but I do not want to speak to critically of everything being good. I've learned in life that things change quick and almost nothing good will last forever. So the heeeeeell with it. Get up in the morning 1/4th awake and go to school,be with my friends, see my ex sing in class, come home to my homework, sleep and wake up to the next day. I feel happy now and inexorable and I hope I'm not too ahead of myself like i always am =P. Thx for everyone's support. I will always enjoy reading up people's problems on this site and helping them. I've already gotten comments saying that people with high reputation and long term members agree with or find my posts deep, thoughtful and able-to-be used advice for many people. See a lot of people who make comments are too straight out with saying just wait and you'll forget about it. People need to hear what they didn't see for themselves when these things happen and they need to be told something that will be deemed accurate and truthful but yet while respecting the fact that the human mind is sensitive and people need to be "babied" in order to feel better. Just leaving a post saying "oh you give it time and forget about it" doesn't help at all. I don't care how many critics disagree with me but the people who have been in bad relationships need to realize how the relationship wasn't worth it if it ended. No offense but people like talaniman do not try to understand how a single persons unique experience of a break up requires unique support and not being told to "Let it Go" because that makes you want to hold onto it even more. In my posts, I will explain how I feel about their problem, tell them what I think they should do to be at peace with themselves, and then explain to them how I can relate with their problem and my outcome.I know they will understand where I'm coming from because I know how they felt and I try to make things clearer for those who can't see for themselves. You don't need to be a relationship expert to give good advice. What you need is empathy and the ability to put yourself in that persons shoes and go through what they did. What I have seen is the bullsh*t that people spread and think they sound like they know what they are talking about. Like saying let it go without any support or examples of what to do to cope with it. Nobody that posts on this website would go this far to get their feelings out if they could just "let it go".I hate people who post things saying: it will get better if you just try to forget about it, I say they are all full of it because I see numerous posts saying that going on without their partner has only made them worse. My next post continues my "rant"

And I need to shine light on this. Counselors, social workers, psychiatrists and all those people... let me tell you. I have hated them all my life. What they tell you is based on their self-centered belief and they never helped my problems. People I know who were heavy drug addicts, high school drop outs, spent half their life in prison, even murderers have better supported me than those people. You can tell a psychiatrist about it and they'll try to put you on drugs. Tell a counselor, they'll think you are harmful to yourself and your environment. If you tell a social worker they'll tell you the same sh*t talaniman, the "expert" would. You may have some luck with a psychologist because they use science in their explanations and are very full-of-wisdom, dynamic, well rounded people. But counselors and psychiatrists are in it and they get paid to tell you w/e they want you to think because they try to make people who don't have problems think they are sick because they can't comprehend what they are going through so they assume you are fked up and tell you all sorts of sh*t just so they can get paid. I've heard that about 17% of people in the U.S. correctional system who see psychiatrists (while serving sentences 10-20yrs) under restraint in prison end up feeling like they have no hope at ever being seen as a normal person by society and never being released. That is not what this statistic represents. It astonishingly represents the amount of these people who commit suicide because they feel like talking to a psychiatrist has dug their hole even deeper. My father is a credible lawyer who is the one who told me this. So I just want to tell all of you people that all these things I talk about are things I've thoroughly researched and have even experienced myself. So next time you're thinking about leaving an insensitive post on somebodies problem, why don't you just LET IT GO? Let the thought go and you'll save people the problem of feeling like they'll never be released from the pain they are in. When someone is grieving and you tell them to just forget about it, it will send them farther into depression. And just to prove how much of a smart a**ed teenager I am here's the seven stages of grieving: 1. Denial(isolates from people who don't understand)feeling that what their experiencing is "surreal" to them still. 2. Anger w/ self and with others and the deceased. 3. Bargaining to gain back what has been lost. #4(one of the two longest stages). DEPRESSION. Step #5. The 2nd longest step is acceptance for what happened. 6. forgive self, the helpers and the deceased. And the final and step you will always dwell on is MOVING ON. Now listen, people will move on and "let it go" but you need to realize that you can't just tell that to people when they are in the first step of denial. That's why you try to help them understand what has actually happened. Sorry talaniman but after all your negative commentary to me and probably thousands of other people, I'd have to say that as a dumb and so known to be reckless teenager, It made me want to punch you in the face for being so insensitive. Maybe you and others will realize how naïve you and them have been this whole time and change how they respond to people's problems or just quit altogether at trying to even help people if they realize that they do not have it in them to actually use this website for what it's for. Honestly to me, the internet is a last resort and not many people would come here if they weren't seriously, emotionally dented. For all those who agree give me a HOORAH! And those who disagree with all or part of what I say, please point it out to me so I can expand my mind to other's ideas. Thank you very much for all who have read all the way down to the nitty gritty. =)

Sorry for your pain.

Damaged people can leave us damaged and wanting to save them or get even. I have been there. I have warned people myself. But free will is a powerful thing and her scheming and her future relationships may not all be able to be prevented. But if it makes you feel better, try it and see if it ends your pain. You never know...

I would simply ask you to face down the reality of your relationship as it stands and look for ways to survive with other things than her on your mind. And how you can minimize her in your life.

I would say she is consuming your mind entirely - and your "warnings" are a way to keep your relationship alive... Tell as many people as you wish, but please know that the pain will only go when you achieve indifference and that takes discipline and time.

Sounds like a case of jealousy and childishness. Get over it.

Hah can't believe you still say that after I waste an hour writing all that. Ah enough about jealousy and revenge. You get it all wrong. I told one of my friends (whom I thought she liked) to be careful w/ her. I'm not really up to telling other people. And he did listen... The girl's calling me telling me she don't want nobody else and she told me to "wait until I moves then ur all mine" I was like hah I'll believe when I see it. And I told her a lot must be done to change things. Anyway I still think that a lot of peoples comments are completely ignorant and have no empathy. EMPATHY is a big word. If you can't express that then you can't give your opinionated advice to anyone effectively. By the way thanks Ash for your support. I did not write that out of pain but just noticing how ridiculous these people who think they know what they are talking about are. No brains to feel what it was like.

Sorry, you feel that way, but in fairness I doubt everyone read your last post.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ts-127175.html

Mike I just read all this and I've got to tell you that the one thing I don't see mentioned here is the fact this guy is not your friend. Why is he dating someone you went out with? Call it bro's before ho's or guy code or just being a good friend the reality is your friend can't be trusted and doesn't value your friendship for doing this to you. I think you should drop them both from you life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mikehst

By the way thx Ash for your support. I did not write that out of pain but just noticing how ridiculous these people who think they know what they are talking about are. No brains to feel what it was like.

No problem.

I hope each day gets better and I also really hope if this girl circles back you are strong enough to see that you are going to get hurt again - and use that reality to create a safe distance so you can get your head back. You have a lot of strong feelings in you - and you two together are a toxic cocktail. Even though she has been hurt in the past and has in turn hurt others, I think you will be happier trying to help someone else. Just a thought.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mikehst

Anyway I still think that alot of peoples comments are completely ignorant and have no empathy. EMPATHY is a big word. If you can't express that then you can't give your opinionated advice to anyone effectively.

Empathy? You don't think we have empathy?? All of us over 18 who answered you have been down this road more than once and want to protect YOU the way no one protected any of us back then.

Empathy is not, "Oh you poor baby. She'll come to her senses and come back to you" or agreeing with you by saying, "Yes, tell the world what she is and destroy her name and make sure she never has a boyfriend".

Empathy is knowing exactly what you've gone through and advising you to do what most of us didn't have the moral courage to do--keep your own counsel (i.e. shut up about what you think of her) and move on.

There is some good advice on here.
And beyond that I think you need to be aware that this girl and you are toxic.
From what I read it seems like you have some demons that you are sorting through -
And there is no ONE right answer. Perhaps.. other than learning to face these demons.

No "oh you poor baby" is not empathy. Empathy is showing you know what the person has been through and in turn relating to it... If you can't you might as well keep it closed. And that guy was my best friend. Listen over time you learn things. It turned out in reality that he just thought she liked him but he is a good friend of mine and she knows him too so they are going to talk. But most of the things they ever talked about was me n her lol. I tried to show how that changed and somehow I wish I could change the damn heading to this question to something like"should I think she's hitting on my friend". My apologies and regrets but what I said stands. I'm not expecting to be said "oh poor baby" too lmao. That would be ridiculous. And you you probably do know what people have been through but trust me everybody's loss is completely unique. You need to treat it that way and just not say forget about it. It isn't as easy as that. Maybe a cocnept to put yourself at peace would help a lot of people. Like how to break up with the girl/guy but maintain some contact through a friendship in the future. Some people's advice consider to complete ex-communicate with the person but that makes it harder and is unnecessary. And the thing is after I talked to her I realized that I was wrong and her Mom led her to do all these things so I can't blame her. She's going through and I don't want to make it worse. At the time when I got all worked up to make the question was the day after we broke up. Things are much clearer now and It she never ever wanted to break up with me... I am not going into another relationship anyway. She still wants me there for her and I guess I'm an understanding person so you. I'm there for my friends and she is my friend. A great one. So w/e I'm just letting people know that things are fine now and wasn't a really bad break up. She doesn't and never wanted to go out with that kid. My friend was just insecure over talking to her when his good friend goes out with her. So before he feels like he's going to get his azz kicked, he tells me this. Everyhing's fine, great and I'm all set. I still want to thank everyone for their advice because it all contributed to me bringing it all together and concluded what I should have believed and shouldn't have. I think if more people had more thoughtful responses, they wouldn't have so many posts on their record LOL. Mine are always huge because there's a lot to go through to help the person BE AT PEACE WITH THEMSELVES AND THEIR PARTNER. That is important to me and you can all hate me or love me for it idc. Understanding why it ended and dealing with it in the best way makes both people feel better about it and makes it easier to move on with a smile on their face. And LOL Ash ty for all repsonses. They are funny yet understandable =)

See Homegirl is a perfect example saying"get over it" lmao. They don't realize how much of a**h0les they are. And Wondergirl you're assuming that I'm talking about you so you must have no empathy xD. If you've seen half the posts on this website you'd know what I mean. And MAYBE you guys do have empathy but don't use it in you're response(s). Unless you just "got over it" then fk off!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mikehst

after i talked to her I realized that I was wrong and her Mom led her to do all these things so I can't blame her. She's going through and I don't wanna make it worse. At the time when I got all worked up to make the question was the day after we broke up. Things are much clearer now and It she never ever wanted to break up with me...I am not going into another relationship anyway. She still wants me there for her and I guess I'm an understanding person so ya. I'm there for my friends and she is my friend. A great one. So w/e I'm just letting people know that things are fine now and wasn't a really bad break up. She doesn't and never wanted to go out with that kid. My friend was just insecure over talking to her when his good friend goes out with her.

So our advice was good not to trash her to others or even to your best friend. (Btw, her family situation was never part of this thread, so many of us, including me, who had responded here did not know of that other thread about her.)

I'm glad she's a great friend after all and that there's a happy ending.

There's a lesson in this to all of us: Don't panic and rail for all the world to see and then get upset with advice offered by well-meaning people who haven't been told the whole story. Let a little time go by. The situation may resolve itself quite quickly in a way you couldn't have imagined 24 hours ago.

Ah well I'm sorry I had all this posted in another question called something like "my gf since Ive been going out with her has acted very mysterious" All of that is explained in that one.

Quote:

EMPATHY is a big word.

Sorry you didn't get enough empathy from those who have been in your shoes, but we can only respond to what you have written, and if giving more info was an attempt to get EMPATHY, and us to agree to your course of action, you have failed miserably. I don't doubt your being smart at all, but disparaging those who are trying to help, is not the way to go, and will get no empathy from me at all, since you chose to single me out. I gave you the truth, and if it hurt your feelings, tough, suck it up, and use your smarts to digest the information, and use it to make better decisions in regard to your own life.

ah I just don't like the "get over it thing". I have seen tons of people say it in posts with no strings attached. I'm not really talking about mine as much as others. And it was directed to them. It's just one thing I noticed. I'm not saying all people did it. It's just from reading like 1000 posts that I realized how people who were told to "get over it" and such ended up putting posts that they were worse off after being told to just forget about it. And when I was told that, I didn't see how I would after someone said that's what I should do and I ended up thinking about it more. I wouldn't have just gotten over it that easy anyway. There were still things that were twisted in my mind and I thought ADVICE would help me. My main example would be how at the time, I didn't know that she was leaving me because of her mom. If I knew that I would have just said to hell with her mom and stuck with her as a friend. Now I know this and things will be fine but now I can't talk to her on the phone If they are around. I'll just talk to her in school. Don't matter anymore. Neither of us wanted it to end and she had to because she didn't want to keep the relationship a secret. It was too painful and I said the same thing. Her mom did it and that's the bottom line. I still thank everyone for their advice but instead of assuming things, I think you should ask more questions if you don't understand something. Not for just me. I don't care about me. I mean anyone. Maybe people will somehow in the future if they want to help more, take this little advice from my point of view. I don't want to put ANYONE at complete fault but just maybe make them realize something I noticed and possibly use it. When I speak... I have noticed that people take me more seriously than I intend to be in everyday life! Empathy... I don't know. Wasn't my main annoyance. I'm sure people understand what It's like I mean how can they not? My point is just don't waste your time telling someone to get over it. I'm truly sorry for anything I may be faulted by but I still want to thank everyone for even laying down their fingers to their keyboard to respond to my problem. You didn't need to but you did and spent your time dedicating your point of view into my point of view. I guess I should have waited and found out what really happened before I started assuming things. If I did, I would know now what it was and I'd be posting about a break up that wasn't so bad. But I can't help feeling that my break up was much different from the few and I don't want to sound special. All I really want to say to sum things up is that you shouldn't assume too much from what people say in one post. Find out more and give them you're best advice. Honestly, nobody wants to try to build a house if they don't have all the tools they need.