8 threads merged together for the full story


I recently discovered my ex girlfriend of 4 years in college/grad school is now married. I had always wanted to call her and reconnect but never did as I was the one that ended the relationship. I always thought she'd be available and I'd be able to win her back. It's been 5 years since we broke up. I have dated other girls and still she's always on my mind. She was everything I wanted and I blew it. She was smart, cute, and funny and had a great family. In short, I am convinced she was "The One" for me and I let her get away. Now, I have found her number and feel I have to call her in hopes of salvaging a "friendship" out of a relationship I ruined. Too many things have not been said that should've. Maybe I can't change the fact that she's married but I feel I have to let her know how I'm feeling and have felt.

Thoughts?

How long until song/pictures, etc. don't bring up vivid memories of us together. So painful, so sad, so full of regret.

I recently discovered my ex girlfriend of 4 years in college/grad school is now married. I had always wanted to call her and reconnect but never did as I was the one that ended the relationship. I always thought she'd be available and I'd be able to win her back. It's been 5 years since we broke up. I have dated other girls and still she's always on my mind. She was everything I wanted and I blew it. She was smart, cute, and funny and had a great family. In short, I am convinced she was "The One" for me and I let her get away. Now, I have found her number and feel I have to call her in hopes of salvaging a "friendship" out of a relationship I ruined. Too many things have not been said that should've. Maybe I can't change the fact that she's married but I feel I have to let her know how I'm feeling and have felt.

Thoughts?

How long until song/pictures, etc. don't bring up vivid memories of us together. So painful, so sad, so full of regret.

I can understand your pain and desire to be her friend... which you may give a shot at. One should do what he or she wants to do at least once... so if you die today, no desires should be left undone. So see for yourself if she is willing to be your friend but if she doesn't then accept and don't look back. This is life and you need to take each day as it comes... live it because you live it just once! any clearer...

My thoughts are you let this relationship go for a reason. If she was so great then would you have really ended it? Often time clouds our memory of what was real, maybe you have just forgotten what made you break it off in the first place or time just makes your differences seem not as important. You may just be suffering from hurt pride, that she got married before you did. I say don't contact her ex's are ex's for a reason. On the other hand if you happen to see her and say hello, fine, but I would leave it at that.

You didn't mention why you dumped her.. if it was for the same reasons that people in here get dunped for (there are no clear reasons), then I'd shoot you if I was in her place.
And if you dumped her because she wasn't worth it, then I wonder why you'd want to contact her after 5 years? The only reason would be is that you got "jealous" in some way and it's a bit selfish if you ask me.

Again, just my insight based on the little things you mentioned.

My thoughts are that the past should be left in the past. It did not work out for a reason and if she was truly the one for you, you would actually be with her right now. The thing is we all move on and experience different situations. This is a time that you need to throw that number a way and leave it in the past. Both of you went in different directions and you need to realize that it was not meant to be. After 5 years, to actually come into somebody else's life will just cause more turmoil.

Joe

As Numb suggested, it's not likely that she'd appreciate you contacting her now. And neither will her husband. Just let it go.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up and not really being honest with yourself. You and your ex-girlfriend broke up 5 years ago and now she is married. You ended the relationship.

If you ended the relationship then there must have been reasons you felt she was not right for you. There must have been things or something that happened that you felt were not for you. Otherwise you would not have ended it at all. You would have stayed with her. Somehow you are blocking out the reasons you left and now discounting it. But the reasons you broke up were valid reasons.

If she was everything you wanted you would not have left. You would have known then and there that this was it.

Now listen, if you ran because you got scared and the relationship was moving on to a marriage - and you didn't want that - and so you left - then it was still a valid reason why you left. There is something here that you are not acknowledging to yourself about this relationship. Because had you really felt the connection and wanted her back you would have done it. Don't beat yourself up over this.

Yes, perhaps you regret the relationship ended. Ok, that is normal. The sadness that it was over. You have good memories to live by. Had it been right it would have gone on and you would have stayed together. Move on at this point. There will be another one for you and when the time is right you'll have your wedding day. Take care.

Get over it, after all this time, and leave her alone. You blew it years ago, so let it go now.

I am only 15 and have loved my friends ex since 6th grade. I know how you feel. But you have to let fate take control if it was meant to be then it WILL happen but if not there are plenty of fishes in the sea (wow that rythmes!) haha sorry but leave her alone for now she is happy and married you would regret it if you tried to come between them because she obviously loves him. How would you feel if you were him? Lol hope I helped ansner my q's lol thanks

A few weeks I posted on hear and got some good feedback. A bit of background first. I regrettably ended a relationship with a girl I had dated for 4 years in college and graduate school. To make a long story short, I pushed her away for thoughtless and shallow reasons and destroyed what could've been a great marriage. I'm certain she was THE ONE and always will be. Problem is I contacted her after about 5 years after we finished grad. Schools in different cities. I regrettably found out she's married for about 4 years. My world fell apart after this news. If I had contacted her earlier, I know things would be different. I had always wanted to and she was always on my mind but never felt she wanted to ever hear from me again. I had to contact her and ever since we have talked for hours late at night while her husband heads off to bed. She says she's happily married. Our e-mails have helped heal old wounds and she and I e-mail frequently. So much to catch up on. So much pain. Is there is any chance to think of us ever getting back togetherr? (Her husband's almost 13 years older than her, and I think I could take him in every aspect of life) She would like to meet up again in person. Yet she wants to understandably run the husband first. I know he'll agree, but seems to me that there is some small glimmer of hope of winning her back if she routinely e-mails me and takes my calls. It was her and I way before him. This shouldn't've happened. Thoughts? Never been in this situation, never thought I would be. Always have been able to correct for a mistake. This is the biggest mistake of my life. :(

You have to stop beating yourself up over this. If she was THE ONE the cards would have fell in place a long time ago. As the saying goes "if it was mean't to be it will be". You never contacted her in the past for a reason...

As for trying to win her back... you are absolutely crazy for even thinking of such a thing. She is very happy in her marriage for the past 4 years. You are about to embark on a mission to convince her to love you more than her husband and leave him. Would you want that done to you if you were in his situation? That is just the wrong way to enter this...

I would take this as a beginning of a renewed friendship and nothing more. From what I can tell she has not thrown out any signals as to wanting more. What happens if your plan does not work and you destroyed a perfectly good marriage and lost her as a friend? Think about this first long and hard... you think this was a mistake by letting her go... you are about to make an even BIGGER one by pursuing her...

No offense, but I think this situation is the dream of a lot of people who have been dumped. To move on, find someone else you love and the other person regretting it and coming back once its too late. Personally I think you had your chance, she's married now and you should just be friends (if that's possible).

I think you are fixating on this girl because its easier then moving on.

She is happy and married and has moved on. I think you need to leave her alone because its not healthy for you. You need to close the book on this relationship and move on. If she was supposed to be your wife she would be your wife. Accept that. Saying you lost her and now there will be no one else is ridiculous. If you keep fixating on her and keep saying you will never love again you won't because it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

Its been a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. Not to sound harsh but get over it. Its not going to happen. Move forward in your life and find someone who is available for you to love and want to be your wife.

I agree with all of the below. Any form of a relationship with this girl (even phone/e-mail) is not healthy for either of you, ESPECIALLY for you! Things and people are in the past for a reason. I think like Glinda said, you need to close the book on this relationship. This chapter of your life is over. Now you need to move forward. If you keep moving back, then you will get nothing out of love and life than heartbreak. Cut your losses and move on, she has. Leave the past in the past and build your future. She's married and happy, don't you want happiness for her? If so, she's got that. Now you go find your happiness.
Good luck hon and keep us updated!

<3
Leslie

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Originally Posted by chicago95

A few weeks I posted on hear and got some good feedback. A bit of background first. I regrettably ended a relationship with a girl I had dated for 4 years in college and graduate school. To make a long story short, I pushed her away for thoughtless and shallow reasons and destroyed what could've been a great marriage. I'm certain she was THE ONE and always will be. Problem is I contacted her after about 5 years after we finished grad. schools in different cities. I regrettably found out she's married for about 4 years. My world fell apart after this news. If I had contacted her earlier, I know things would be different. I had always wanted to and she was always on my mind but never felt she wanted to ever hear from me again. I had to contact her and ever since we have talked for hours late at night while her husband heads off to bed. She says she's happily married. Our e-mails have helped heal old wounds and she and I e-mail frequently. So much to catch up on. So much pain. Is there is any chance to think of us ever getting back togetherr? (Her husband's almost 13 years older than her, and I think I could take him in every aspect of life) She would like to meet up again in person. Yet she wants to understandably run the husband first. I know he'll agree, but seems to me that there is some small glimmer of hope of winning her back if she routinely e-mails me and takes my calls. It was her and I way before him. This shouldn't've happened. Thoughts? Never been in this situation, never thought I would be. Always have been able to correct for a mistake. This is the biggest mistake of my life. :(

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All right kind of new to this so going to try responding to the answers and see what transpires. First, you have some good points, but I've never believed in the "if it's meant to be, it will be" mantra. I made this relationship happen and it was astronomical from the first date. Both our families met and got along great. But, if I can screw it up, I will. Due to an uncertain future for me then, and a then clouded reasoning caused me to obsess about unimportant details (skin tone, religion, lack of exercise). Embarrassing and very petty huh? Deep down I knew these were shallow and unimportant... but wanted to think I could do better, though I knew she was the one for me. So, a great thing came my way and I destroyed it. We even talked about marriage--especially after 3 years of dating most of her and our friends thought it was a done deal. Maybe I was scared. So, how can one say it wasn't meant to be? I have found NO ONE like her since. Trying to move on but after 5 years of her always being on my mind and me chosing to not call her before she married is hard to deal with. It took me 4 years to finally listen my inner voice and alter academic fields for one I should've originally pursued. I fear this is the same case with my ex... however, she is no longer available.

Friendship is what I'm hoping for at least now. In a year or two, who knows. If she actually knows how I've always felt and things happen, they happen. All I know is that if this is affecting me after 5 years, it's a signal to me that I really goofed on reading the signs of life. Looking forward to meeting up with her again in a few weeks.

Thoughts?

You are just trying to rationalize your reasons for wanting to break up her marriage.

You had your chance and you messed it up she has moved on and is happy AND married. Its WAY too late and you need to leave her alone.

How would you feel if she was your wife and some ex-boyfriend popped back in the picture trying to woo her back?

You need to let it go. My guess is that you are obsessing on this girl because you believe that she held your happiness and that had you just married her everything in your life would've been great. You are deluding yourself. If you keep running after her what do you expect to accomplish? What you want her to leave her marriage to be with you? What if once you have her again you start doing the same things you did before or realize that you don't really want her just the idea of her? Have you done ANY therapy because you are obsessive about this woman and I think there is a lot more going on here then you are letting on.

The past is the past, you are trying to fix what happened 4 years ago. Let it go and move on... the only thing that you should look towards is a friendship. To be quite honest I don't think you are quite ready for that either. Stop fixating on HER as a possible mate, you have a choice of the entire WORLD here... how many billions of people with a woman to man ratio of 3-1! Resolve whatever internal issues you have and go fishing... give up on her! She is happy with her life NOW, don't read into anything just because she agreed to meet with you!

You are chasing a DREAM that has been lost for some time now!

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Originally Posted by chicago95

A few weeks I posted on hear and got some good feedback. A bit of background first. I regrettably ended a relationship with a girl I had dated for 4 years in college and graduate school. To make a long story short, I pushed her away for thoughtless and shallow reasons and destroyed what could've been a great marriage. I'm certain she was THE ONE and always will be. Problem is I contacted her after about 5 years after we finished grad. schools in different cities. I regrettably found out she's married for about 4 years. My world fell apart after this news. If I had contacted her earlier, I know things would be different. I had always wanted to and she was always on my mind but never felt she wanted to ever hear from me again. I had to contact her and ever since we have talked for hours late at night while her husband heads off to bed. She says she's happily married. Our e-mails have helped heal old wounds and she and I e-mail frequently. So much to catch up on. So much pain. Is there is any chance to think of us ever getting back togetherr? (Her husband's almost 13 years older than her, and I think I could take him in every aspect of life) She would like to meet up again in person. Yet she wants to understandably run the husband first. I know he'll agree, but seems to me that there is some small glimmer of hope of winning her back if she routinely e-mails me and takes my calls. It was her and I way before him. This shouldn't've happened. Thoughts? Never been in this situation, never thought I would be. Always have been able to correct for a mistake. This is the biggest mistake of my life. :(

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Wow! I believe that she stills has feelings for you. I also believe that she has committed the biggest mistake of her life. The way it seems to me, she doesn't really love her husband. If you truly love your significant other, you will not be conversing with another individual. It doesn't matter what part of your life they took place in the past. the past is the past. She needs to look inside herself and ask herself the question of what it is she really wants. When things didn't work between the two of you guys, she found a comfortable place and stood there. We can go through that situation, that's the reason why there is so much divorce. Sometimes it takes us a while to find our soulmate. You guys might be soulmates. She needs to be a lady and if being with you is what she really wants. She needs to be sincere with her husband and end it. If she has kids with him, thinks become more difficult. When we put children in the middle, we can't always be selfish. Life is not anymore about us, but about our children. Our children are the ones that will suffer the consequences. Still and all, I believe that she needs to rethink herself and figure out what is the best decision. Playing the down low ordeal is not a decent thing to do. You will bound to cause a tragedy. You should tell her to really think if she wants you in her life. If she doesn't want you around, tell her that you will be a man about it and move on. If they have kids, you have to be the bigger person and think of those innocent ones. Sometimes when something is not meant to be, is not. If it didn't work then, maybe it is because that's the way things had to go. Else, I believe you must give her her space, if she ever solves her life to look for you. Good luck!

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Originally Posted by chicago95

A few weeks I posted on hear and got some good feedback. A bit of background first. I regrettably ended a relationship with a girl I had dated for 4 years in college and graduate school. To make a long story short, I pushed her away for thoughtless and shallow reasons and destroyed what could've been a great marriage. I'm certain she was THE ONE and always will be. Problem is I contacted her after about 5 years after we finished grad. schools in different cities. I regrettably found out she's married for about 4 years. My world fell apart after this news. If I had contacted her earlier, I know things would be different. I had always wanted to and she was always on my mind but never felt she wanted to ever hear from me again. I had to contact her and ever since we have talked for hours late at night while her husband heads off to bed. She says she's happily married. Our e-mails have helped heal old wounds and she and I e-mail frequently. So much to catch up on. So much pain. Is there is any chance to think of us ever getting back togetherr? (Her husband's almost 13 years older than her, and I think I could take him in every aspect of life) She would like to meet up again in person. Yet she wants to understandably run the husband first. I know he'll agree, but seems to me that there is some small glimmer of hope of winning her back if she routinely e-mails me and takes my calls. It was her and I way before him. This shouldn't've happened. Thoughts? Never been in this situation, never thought I would be. Always have been able to correct for a mistake. This is the biggest mistake of my life. :(

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Nice1 thanks for your thoughts. Kids are not in the picture and I don't think they ever will... a point we both agreed on when we dated. Friendship is definitely in the future, but I'm not sure how well it'd even work as every time I'd see her it'd be a constant reminder of what I had lost and can't have yet. I guess one good thing is that I know I'll never encounter so much agony and pain again in this life. Death, sickness? Bring it on, I can handle that. Granted there are other girls out there, but I have yet to see one who emobodies all the traits I loved about her. I received an e-mail from her about how she saw nothing hopeful in my last e-mails years ago about us and so maybe she did as you say find a comfortable place with a guy 10 years older than her and divorce could be in the future. I'd feel bad for the guy, but darn it, if she had called me earlier all of wouldn'tve had to go through this. Thoughts on why she didn't call me earlier? It takes to to tango. Maybe I already answered this in that she saw nothing hopeful in my e-mails a few years back but then again she was always the type of girl to wait for the guy to call her.

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Originally Posted by chicago95

she is no longer available

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You said it right there.

Leave her alone. Don't even try to be friends. That isn't possible with you in the mental state that you're in.

Move on.

Hold on.

She told you that she is happily married. Do not manipulate her by saying you want to be friends, when you're here discussing how you're hoping that her and her husband will have a divorce. What's wrong with that picture? I'll tell you:

When you love someone, you want the best for them. You don't hope that the girl you love will suffer through a divorce. Nah; if you love that person, you let them go. And if they come back to you in an "honest" or "clean" way, then your relationship will be that much better!

But, it's time to stop living in a fantasy, and to start living in reality. The reality is that she is married.

Be mature and do the right thing, and I promise that things will work out in your favor; you will be on a clean road towards finding your soulmate, or you'll instead have, in an "honest" way, she may come back to you. Trust me, that if you do the less selfish thing, that your good energy won't go unnoticed or unrewarded. This is hard, but it's called "being a man".

Be a man.

I tend to side with Nice1 on this topic. Yes she says she's happily married but how can one be happily married to someone more than 10 years older than her. Plus, as Nice1 answered that maybe she found a comfortable place and decided to stay there after I broke it off. It wasn't the best choice but she tried to move on. Well, guess what, I'm back. I do think there is a glimmer of hope beyond a potential friendship but I will deal with that option later if that comes around. Otherwise, why would she keep e-mailing me and taking my calls? Just recently I had a lapse in e-mailing her and she said she was concerned she had said something out of place since she hadn't heard from me. If someone is happily married, why would they opt to talk for long hours at night, respond to e-mails and even be open to meeting up again? I know I can salvage a friendship out of this but I don't think a possible relationship is completely out of the question in a couple years from now if she think she goofed also.

If she goofed, let her make that decision on her own, working it out with her husband.

Please break contact and allow her that freedom.

You know... you cannot convince someone that they are in love with you or that they made a mistake and should be with you. She has to do that on her own... by her own terms. You are placing yourself in a situation that will end very badly. Think about the following:

Say you do "convince" her to leave her husband for you. Everything is all fine and dandy for a year or so. He enters in her life and tries the Same thing you did to get HER back. How do think the chips will fall? She did it for you... she may have feelings for him still, she may feel bad on how things ended up with them. She WILL go back to him... A relationship is like a court of law, if there is a shadow of doubt... guess what... you two will never have that healthy relationship that you deserve. You are building a foundation of deceit and lies... that will crumble.

Why is she contacting you so much? Ummmm you have a lot of time that has lapsed to catch up on.

The following is my advice:

STOP reading into things!!
Look for a friendship and nothing more!
If you can't handle it, leave her alone! Stop living in a fantasy and step into planet reality.

Let me set the record straight. I'm not trying to convince this girl that she should be with me. I am in full agreement that she needs to decide this on her own. I am not attempting to persuade her by any means. I am very grateful that she is still willing to talk and catch up and let me be a part of her life again. Whether she'll in time realize what she lost remains to be seen. I think it is interesting to note that in our initial e-mails she stated she tried not to think about our past because of the pain... however it is becoming evident she is remembering our past---a goal I was hoping for as I could not bear the thought that she had forgotten all of our good times.

However, answer me this. Why would someone want to catch up with her first love if she was happily married, etc. Why might it not be for the same reason as to find out if there is anything there and whether she might've too made a mistake? Granted, I believe her primary reason would be to come out with a friendship but you have to admit, it is interesting to ponder (even my friends tell me that at least right now, the potential for this to be more someday exists... however microscopic those chances are).

As far as the reality bit, I've never been so connected to life as I am now. If she was not married then maybe I'd side with everyone saying my hopes for a friendship, etc. are fantasy. However, realizing she is married has brought me out of a long slumber on life.

Hello everyone.

A while ago I threw some questions out there to get feedback on whether to pursue my ex girlfriend of 4 years (college and grad school) who I pushed away some years ago for no good reason. It was totally my fault and I thought I had destroyed any hope of any type of "-ship" occurring. Most told me to not pursue it and to let it go. I couldn't... and listened to my heart. Know what? Since then we've talked more, she's confided in me, had a high end dinner, drinks, and we even came back to my place for a bit and hoped the night would never end. She hadn't changed a bit! While I appreciate the feedback I received, I'm glad I didn't listen to everyone. Following my heart was the best decision I've made in a long time. We are continuing "to go out" again sometime soon and continue to talk and e-mail. And to think, I would've missed out on all of this if I had listened to everyone else. Friendship is secured but this is more than friendship. I know she senses it and also wants more. This time I'm playin' for keeps.

Jim

CONGRATS JIM! My therapist told me its not good to get toooo much advice. It can cause more of a headache. I was getting allot of advice also allot of it I already knew just didn't want to admit. However there also was some that was very negative and I just didn't think some of the things said applied in my situation. Really nice to hear. Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by chicago95

Hello everyone.

A while ago I threw some questions out there to get feedback on whether to pursue my ex girlfriend of 4 years (college and grad school) who I pushed away some years ago for no good reason. It was totally my fault and I thought I had destroyed any hope of any type of "-ship" occurring. Most told me to not pursue it and to let it go. I couldn't...and listened to my heart. Know what? Since then we've talked more, she's confided in me, had a high end dinner, drinks, and we even came back to my place for a bit and hoped the night would never end. She hadn't changed a bit! While I appreciate the feedback I received, I'm glad I didn't listen to everyone. Following my heart was the best decision I've made in a long time. We are continuing "to go out" again sometime soon and continue to talk and e-mail. And to think, I would've missed out on all of this if I had listened to everyone else. Friendship is secured but this is more than friendship. I know she senses it and also wants more. This time I'm playin' for keeps.

Jim

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First of all... you must always follow your heart. What's the worst answer you could've gotten back from her?? NO? Ok, and then that's fine, because at least you made that step forward, instead of keeping it bottled up inside thinking: would have, could have, should have.

I think that you are very lucky that she gave you a chance to come back into her life. Remember that with a lot of communication in a relationship is key, and will keep that relationship flowing.

I wish your relationship all the best!

Problem is your heart and your brain rarely communicate or agree on things. Following your heart while ignoring your brain has ruined countless lives and wasted lifetimes.

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Originally Posted by chicago95

Hello everyone.

A while ago I threw some questions out there to get feedback on whether to pursue my ex girlfriend of 4 years (college and grad school) who I pushed away some years ago for no good reason. It was totally my fault and I thought I had destroyed any hope of any type of "-ship" occurring. Most told me to not pursue it and to let it go. I couldn't...and listened to my heart. Know what? Since then we've talked more, she's confided in me, had a high end dinner, drinks, and we even came back to my place for a bit and hoped the night would never end. She hadn't changed a bit! While I appreciate the feedback I received, I'm glad I didn't listen to everyone. Following my heart was the best decision I've made in a long time. We are continuing "to go out" again sometime soon and continue to talk and e-mail. And to think, I would've missed out on all of this if I had listened to everyone else. Friendship is secured but this is more than friendship. I know she senses it and also wants more. This time I'm playin' for keeps.

Jim

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Did I mention she's been married for about 4 years? I know it's an uphill battle but I'm up for it. Her husband was previously divorced and much older than her. The way I look at is that rat bastard had his chance with his first wife and blew it. So bring it on. I've known her much longer than he and had an incredible evening with her. So, this is where everyone told me to forget and move on. I can't and won't. I was hoping that when I saw her I would feel differently... then it might not be real love. Guess what? I saw her and wanted her even more than ever... so the heart wants what the heart wants. She was basically apart of my family before I broke it off after 4 years and she definitely misses that and remembers much of our past.

Anyone want to change their response knowing this info?

You know HER side of the story, not his. Trust me, I've been there before and by the time it was over I actually sympathized with the poor man.

I think it is very hard to send such a question in a forum like this.
People answer based on their beliefs, fears, upbringing, culture.
No one knows what is the "right" thing to do, because there is no right thing to do. Life is a game of guessing, we always make a choice (from so many options) and hope that they will come out to be good for us. In that sense, you're always doing the right choice!
We are not fortune tellers, we never know the outcome of what we're doing, we "guess" what will be the best for us, sometimes we are right, sometimes we are not.
I believe following your heart is the only formula that is closer to your truth. Remember, your truth is yours only and it is your greatest asset.
When you asked the question, you needed help to decide, well, everyone answering you, helped you decide to go and see her, so you should thank them! (even if you didn't like what they wrote, they helped you by writing what was true to them - many times the things we don't like are a great help for our growth)

Good luck in your new love, keep it going and next time, listen to your heart too.

Ronit
Life Coaching - Be Happy in LIFE

Against most. Recs. I contacted my old ex-girlfriend who is now married for about 4 years. I pushed her away for stupid reasons that I explained to her (lack of tanning, etc). I knew she was THE ONE and after we saw each other again she also knew I was THE ONE for her. She feels stuck in her marriage as it has not been good for many years. He takes her to appointments, cooks, and cleans---a glorified roommate. But that's it. (Did I mention he's much older than her and previously divorced) Anyway, things have gone so well over the past 3 months with our "dates" that he's since caught on and put limits on our phone calls and IM. Where we once talked for hours (3-4 hours) and flirted, we have sometimes only half that time or less. She doesn't like it... I definitely do not like it. She's told me she feels toward me and I to her. It is love and always has been even after 8 years. So, how long do I have to expect until she leaves her marriage? I don't think she'll be the one who calls it because she doesn't want to be the one who ends it. I think it more likely that he will get fed up and leave.. but how long?Wouldn't you think that if your wife was talking right up to the curfew with her ex that she wasn't into you and that this isn't working? This relationship has progressed much faster than I ever thought it would but it's killing me waiting for her. She and I are in the prime of our life with everything in common and want to be together if it wasn't for her marriage... which is just a shell for the most part. How long?

Thoughts?

Please don't get me wrong. Are you sure you will not push her away again for stupid reasons ( as you said ) if you get her back. Consider this. She will have to break a marriage to get back to you.

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Originally Posted by red_cartoon

Please don't get me wrong. Are you sure you will not push her away again for stupid reasons ( as you said ) if you get her back. Consider this. She will have to break a marriage to get back to you.

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400% positive I won't push her away. I dated her for 4 years and never stopped thinking of her in grad. School and even now. She also admitted she always thought of me too. I know what I've lost and nothing can change the way I feel toward her. She's even more beautiful in every way now than even then. Hard to believe I know but it's true. She even said she feels there is a "higher" reason for me coming back into her life than just to apologize for how bad I hurt her. I feel the same way. So much in common re: like/dislikes, 12 years of history... she still remembered our anniversary of when we first went out! Crazy! She and I never thought we'd be in this situation but here we are. She said she wasn't even really looking for marriage when she got married and felt I was never coming back into her life so got married. So no, I'm so changed from being hung up on little tiny flaws that nothing would cause me to push her away ever again. Nobody is perfect and I accept that--although she's perfect in my eyes. So many little things I miss about her when we're together.

To be honest I would stop communicating to her. IF she wants you back and is willing to give up her marriage than it will happen. To me, her husband is not being treated fairly, if she loves you and wants you back than she should tell him and do it. Making him limit your calls and putting this in his head is just not right, if you back off then its HER decision and you can rest easy knowing that.

To me, it sounds as if it plotting and scheming behind his back, how would u feel?

I think BMI got a good point here. How would you feel if you were the husband in this story.

I understand what you are going through right now. I am also in a similar but less complex situation right now. May be you are very emotional, stressed and tensed right now. Very prone to making wrong judgments. I can't tell you what to do now, since I am also in a similar problem and like you I am also looking for a solution. But one thing I can tell you is, please keep your head cool. Do not do anything that makes the situation more complex.

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Originally Posted by chicago95

Against most. recs. I contacted my old ex-girlfriend who is now married for about 4 years. I pushed her away for stupid reasons that I explained to her (lack of tanning, etc).

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"Lack of tanning?" was one of the reasons you pushed her away?

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Originally Posted by Ash123

"Lack of tanning?" was one of the reasons you pushed her away?

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Yes, (gulp) stupid stuff like the fact that she didn't tan, etc... stupid pointless stuff. This is too much to delve into here but yes, sad to say... I was not in the right frame of mind then. She knew it and we parted... but the parting lasted too long. I should've called her. Both she and I can't eat nor sleep much since getting back together. She's not happy in her marriage. At times she tells me someone will cross my path... that we have to be friends... yet she tells me her marriage is a shell but she is committed to her word. What do I have to do to convey to her to leave. I know it has to be her decision but if she never decides how wrong is that? I'm terrified of what will happen if we actually talk about all this because I am certain I can't deal hearing her say she can't leave her marriage. Fortunately, it's early in our relationship and maybe later this won't ever even be a choice for her. I'm hopin' her older husband will get a clue and leave. Otherwise, I'm so dead. I have never encountered anything in life so hard as this. How to deal with knowing that what you lost was so incredibly rare and you may never get it back. I've tried to move on but over the past 5 years haven't been able to. She and I both think there has to be a reason for us coming together and again... and not just to apologize. I hope to heavens she's right because, if I not, I don't know when I'll hit bottom if ever. I've tried to see my life without her and it is not one I want. It's dark and bleak, empty and sad. I've lived that for too long. I cannot and will not go back.

BTW, I'm in the right frame of mind. I've never seen things clearer.

Thoughts now?