I have a friend that has been living with a girl for 4years plus, they have an 8mth old baby. This girl is a little on the psycho side, putting him out, burning all of his things, one day everything is rosey and the next day it's hell. We have been friends for 3years and I have been through a lot with him. Every time she puts him out, I pick up the pieces. He has been at my house for the last two weeks basically because he had no where to go, no family in this city. I care about him a lot. Up until now it's been a platonic friendship, we've just helped each other out. Since he's been at my house, we've been sleeping together which I know in the back of my mind there's a good chance he will go back to what he calls his ex. I've told him that my feelings were getting involved and he said nothing but acts like he wants more. I come home and the house is spotless, we curl up on the couch and watch TV, he helps me with my puppy, but I didn't push the issue because I know what he went through and I know he didn't want to jump out of one relationship into another. This girl he met at a friend's house last week has been calling and calling and calling he tells me to answer his phone and tell her he's not there. He calls me yesterday and asks me to come pick him up from her house that he got stranded but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so wants me to call him and make a cock and bull story so he can get away. It backfires and he says to me this isn't going to work. I'm pissed off because he knows how I feel about him but he's cock blocking against me. I had a guy I was casually dating but doesn't want to come over when my friend is here because he thinks in the back of his mind that there is something going on. It's like he doesn't want to be with me but he's not making it easy for me to say I'm available to anyone else. This girl calls me last night at midnight wanting to know where her man was. I was like excuse me, I just don't get it. If you wanted a girlfriend then what the hell was wrong with me. He thinks that he can have his cake and eat it too that I'll always be around for a good lay and he's got another thing coming. I don't want to ruin our friendship or the benefits either. How do you keep your feelings out of it when you really do care?

[QUOTE=kaj675 He thinks that he can have his cake and eat it too that i'll always be around for a good lay and he's got another thing coming. I dont want to ruin our friendship or the benefits either. How do you keep your feelings out of it when you really do care?[/QUOTE]

I hate to break it to you but he is having his cake and eating it too. He gets to run around while you sit at home and make yourself unavailable to other men.

HE is the one ruining your friendship. He is mistreating you and disregarding your feelings. If I were you I would tell him he can stay but that you will be sleeping separately. If you don't stop sleeping with him he will just keep running you over. It sounds like he is a player and maybe this is why his ex was so "psycho"

Remember you have to do what's best for you not for him. Think of yourself and put yourself first. Its not being selfish its being good to yourself. You are worth more then he is giving you which is basically a "pump and dump". You want a relationship and he wants to run around - nothing is going to change here.

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Originally Posted by kaj675

How do you keep your feelings out of it when you really do care?

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So... this is really the ultimate question here. How do you get laid whenever without it all getting messy emotionally?

Well, that would require agreements on both sides, and right now, YOU are the one breaking the "rules"... personally, I think he is weak. He running interference with the woman he won't face and has a living hell with by using the woman he's screwing on the side who is putting off her other potential relationship. chaos follows this guy for a reason.

Anyway, is this desire terrible? Well, I'm not going to judge anything other than say you get, at most, what you demand. If this is what you want for yourself, you've set yourself up for it.

I once dated a girl who had a FWB attitude in the beginning. Shed had a long relationship blow up, we were attracted to each other, and she basically said "look, i want to hook up with you, but if you have other people you want to see, fine"... well, that's not how I work. We both ended up being monogamous and dated for a couple of years. Ended when the FWB was extended to another person. But while it lasted we had a blast, sexually, emotionally, etc.

So... I'm not going to judge your decision to have a casual sexual relationship. I just cannot see how its going to work when the guy is spineless about relationships. You say it wants his cake and to eat it, so do you so far, and you know that's why this isn't working for you. You are too emotionally involved to ignore the noise and you are taking it personally.

So you are in the all in or all out stage. You can't be with him without recognizing your feelings for him, and you can't lie to yourself about them. If you do accept your feelings it creates tension cause he isn't interested in making the effort.

Keep this up and you will be her. You'll be the girl you call a witch. You'll be the person whose emotions have been jerked around by a guy who doesn't have half a pair. Can't you see, regardless of the circumstances that led to his failed relationship, you are headed that way right now because you are emotionally attached to an emotionally detached person. What if you get pregnant? Have a child? Choose to terminate? Do you think he's going to be there to support you emotionally then?

No happy ending.

He might be a good guy in a lot of ways. He's broken enough though that a relationship with him isn't, at least until he steps up, sustainable. And... you know FWB isn't sustainable for you, even though you are asking for it.

If all you wanted was FWB then why would you not tell this to the other guy? The one you are putting on hold? Cause you are saving him for the real deal. Cause you really, really don't want FWB. At worst, you want FWB to lead into a relationship with your friend.

As it is, all you can count on is getting laid when he's willing, noise from his side and hers, and a bunch of emotional baggage that you have to fight with.

I have a friend who was had a FWB relationship with a guy who she's emotionally tied to. The sex is apparently great. After 15 years (yes, years) of back and forth crap she is depressed and no closer to a real, lasting relationship. She can't distance herself emotionally enough, and he's more than willing to screw her when she lets him. She didn't plan this. Didn't wake up one day and say this was the life she wanted. But she's still kidding herself, thinking that she can turn off her emotional attachment to the train wreck that rocks her bed now and then.

I think you can do better than that.

Yes I want a long term relationship. I'm 32 and I want a family of my own. I'm tired of the bs of a fwb that's like high school assed stuff. I want him to crap or get off the pot. If he doesn't want a relationship with me then he needs to let me move on and find what I'm looking for and quit acting like he really wants a committed relationship. I've told him a long time ago that I didn't want to go there with him on that level because I was attracted to him and I would only set myself up to get hurt. I know he's not man material and it will never be what I want in life. Now I'm afraid that I'm going to lose our friendship as a result and I don't want to do that. I can do without the benefits but I'm afraid it's too late that our friendship is going to be doomed. I do care about him and I wish I had never slept with him but I did and now I have to deal but I agree with you, you can't have sex with someone with no strings attached. Someone always gets emotionally involved. I just wish I could figure out what is wrong with me, I've been in 3 relationships 3yrs, 5yrs, and 1yr none of them have ended in what I'm looking for and I don't get it. I'm not ugly, I have a good job with potential for advancement, and my own place, I'm fun, easy to get along with. I don't know. I just hope we can put this behind and still be friends like we used to be.

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Originally Posted by kaj675

if he doesn't want a relationship with me then he needs to let me move on and find what i'm looking for and quit acting like he really wants a committed relationship. i've told him a long time ago that i didn't want to go there with him on that level because i was attracted to him and i would only set myself up to get hurt. i know he's not man material and it will never be what i want in lifee.

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He is not acting like he wants a committed relationship, he's telling you that's what he wants. He is saying one thing and doing another. When a person shows you who they are believe them. His actions say "I want to sleep with you and her and her and her and her"

Also, you say you want a relationship with him then say that he's not what you want in your life?

I'd say cut your losses. You may not be able to salvage the friendship straight away. You may need to get your attraction for him out of your system before that can happen.

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Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

I hate to break it to you but he is having his cake and eating it too. He gets to run around while you sit at home and make yourself unavailable to other men. .

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Very true, there are lots of men like that... not surprised

Men can have friends with benefits because sex to them isn't always emotional, it is just a release. A sad fact but reality. Very rarely can a woman keep emotion out of it and it is just built in. He is using you and you have no chance with him. You are staying with him in hopes he will come around and say I want you but that won't happen. He is getting what he wants from you and what would a relationship with you bring nothing more than he has now.

He is a Piece of Sht, end it with him now and stop fooling yourself. You are too good for this.

I wish it were that easy but I care and I can't deny that. I can find another man, I mean we've been friends for 3yrs and he's been through his stuff with his so called ex and I've been through breakups and we were there for each other. My ex got me evicted and moved out the day before I had to move and totally blind sided me and my fwb was there to help me move furniture for two days and only wanted a beer in return. That to me is what a friendship is about but I let my emotions over whelm me and thought it would turn into something I knew in the back of my mind would never happen. I have no one's to kick but my own. I would like to find a nice decent guy and settle down. I'm getting too old for all these games enough is enough. I thought I could change him but I'm glad I saw through it before I got too involved. Yes I say that he's not man material but I would have a relationship with him but that is the side of me that thought he might have a little decency and change since we had been through so much. I've come to realize that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm hoping things will go back to the way they used to, I miss my buddy.

Sadly, it won't go back to the way it was. You crossed a line in your friendship. I had a friend who slept with her best male friend and their friendship dies because she wanted more and he just wanted to sleep with her and they had been friends for 8 years.

Sex changes everything.

Well he moved back in with his ex girlfriend. He says they are trying to work their differences out. I told him I would be there as a friend but don't expect anything else. We agreed that we shouldn't have done what we did but we are going to remain friends just without the benefits. Thanks guys!! It didn't ruined it after all. :)

If she is truly that bad then he will leave her and when he does he will com to you and who knows if he loves you,you may be together time has a way of sorting its self out ifs up to him what he decides

I'm proud of you for standing your ground as his friend.. I wouldn't have been able to do it.:)

One thing is to stop enabling his behavior by letting him do whatever he wants without consequences. This is not friendship but a confused man going from one female to another. That's not friendship. Neither is giving him a place to stay when he has trouble at home.

I hear what you're saying, before we slept together it was a platonic friendship and I let my feelings get involved. This is the only time I have ever let him come stay at my house. Every other time it was hanging out having a beer or playing poker and he went home. I didn't want that part of our friendship to end. So I have to be strong and not let my guard down which I've done so far and will continue to do so. I can't let him get under my skin again. Wish me luck.

Good Luck, and be happy.

Well just an update, and I know some of you may think I'm a complete idiot but she put him out for good and I let him move in with me. He's been good about the whole thing and I told him that I wasn't into going through the same thing that happened last time and if that was what was going to happen he could find another place to stay. I said if you want something real in life and we can try to make this work then I'm willing to try because I can't deny my feelings. And he said that he loves me and he wants to at least try but that he was scared of his feelings because of what he went through with his ex. He said he didn't want to go through that again and get emotionally attached to someone. I said emotionally attached if you were that attached you wouldn't have been messing with me. And he said I was just scared and didn't want to get hurt. That sounds like something I would have said not him but anyway we are working on us and it's going pretty well. We get along so great, we enjoy the same things and we make each other laugh. Thanks everyone for all your support and encourage anymore. Will keep you posted on how things are going.

Two steps forward, three steps back. Just my opinion.

Honestly, I hope it all works out. If it doesn't, you know you have no right to complain. Many, many posts here start with "im with the perfect guy but"... and then its how he's screwed things up... lied and lied again... can't commit... etc... blah, blah, blah..

Oh well. Anyway, good luck. Here's hoping common sense is wrong this time.

I hear what you're saying but with my feelings this involved and the ex is out of the picture then I have to at least try. There are always risks in life in whatever you do. You are right if it doesn't work and I go through the same thing I have no one's butt to kick but my own. Like they say the first time shame on you the second time shame on me. And he hasn't really lied about anything, but actually been brutally honest at least with me now sometimes I didn't really want to hear what he had to say but I always knew exactly what he was doing whether I liked it or not.

Girlfriend, you need to get a clue. He is using you as a pit stop when things aren't going well at home, and you're letting him. He is not your friend and you are not his. You are a booty call.
Tell him he needs to handle his own problems because you have a life. Then I suggest you get one that does not include him.

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Originally Posted by kaj675

...This girl he met at a friend's house last week has been calling and calling and calling he tells me to answer his phone and tell her he's not there. He calls me yesterday and asks me to come pick him up from her house that he got stranded but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so wants me to call him and make a cock and bull story so he can get away.

...This girl calls me last night at midnight wanting to know where her man was. I was like excuse me, I just don't get it. If you wanted a girlfriend then what the hell was wrong with me.

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OK, not lying to you... using you to lie to another person. My mistake. And brutally honest... really... how can you say that after you posted he lead you around and around..?

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Originally Posted by kaj675

i know he's not man material and it will never be what i want in life.

i've been in 3 relationships 3yrs, 5yrs, and 1yr none of them have ended in what i'm looking for and i don't get it.

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I think these lines, coupled with what's going on (taking him back two weeks after calling it done), tells a lot.

And I have no reason to hope for your unhappiness. I hope he steps up and is the man you need him to be. But you just can't have it both ways... you want support and advice... its been given from our perspective. Right, wrong. Given.

But when we are cheering your moving forward two weeks ago and then see this happen... again, I really do hope I'm wrong and I'm not trying to make you doubt yourself. I just am not good at being a bobble-head friend, you know, the ones that nod with approval no matter what you do.

Not matter what, pony up. It'll be a hell of a ride one way or the other.

What do they call it when you repeat the same actions over and over, and expect different results?? INSANITY. Sorry but that's brutal honesty.

I love him and I can't help it. I have to take the risk and see.

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Originally Posted by kaj675

IHow do you keep your feelings out of it when you really do care?

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You don't. It's as plain and simple as that. Ironically, if you really do care, you may just have to totally back off and forget the whole thing, since it seems that your feelings aren't reciprocated. Otherwise you'll only end up getting burned.

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Originally Posted by kaj675

i love him and i can't help it. i have to take the risk and see.

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There's a difference between love, infatuation and obsession.

Love does not make you do things beyond your control. It should not overpower your willpower. Saying you can't help it is your way of absolving yourself of any responsibility for the actions you're taking and the consequences of them.

If you truly loved him, you would want a healthy, loving, growing relationship.

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Originally Posted by kaj675

i love him and i can't help it. i have to take the risk and see.

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Given what you have been through haven't you seen enough??

I really think you're sabotaging yourself by giving away your power instead of keeping it. You're letting him set the rules instead of setting them yourself. You're hoping he'll come around to what you want and getting angry and resentful when he doesn't. You make statements like "he won't let me move on". The truth is, you make up your own mind to move on and do it. You may lose your "friendship" as a result, but since you're not happy with things the way they are, what are you really losing? As you yourself implied, the longer you keep letting him string you along, the more you miss out on your own life and letting things pass you by. You need to put yourself in the driver's seat and stay there.

Well he's been at my house two weeks today and everything has been wonderful. He helps around the house, he sat up with me and my sick puppy all night Friday night doing whatever I told him to do. He splits his paycheck with me. He took me to the movies and out to eat and shopping. He's introduced me to his friends, I may be stupid and naïve but I'm hoping this works because I love him and he's sincere when he says he loves me too. He tells me he loves me when we end a phone conversation or when he or I leaves the house because "God forbid something happen to either one of us i want that to be the last thing you hear me say" I know things weren't the way I would have liked them to be in the past with him being with his ex, but things are great now. And I know if he'll do it to her he'll do it to me. But I'm hoping I'm wrong.

Well, only time will let you know...

Its easy when its easy. Its when the crap hits the fan, then you'll see if he's really willing to not run away again. He was kicked out, with you for two weeks, moved back in to try to work it out, with you again in, what, another week or so? Not saying that he's hasn't decided to change his ways... like I said, only time will tell.

I hope child support is being pulled when you're splitting money, by the way. Good luck.

Well I'm happy for you. I just hope when you tick him off he does not go running back to the first girl, or take another on the side. Because as he has shown, that is the kind of man he is.

Everything is still going great. This weekend was wonderful.

Just wanted to give an update. Everything in our world is wonderful. He took me to his hometown in Louisiana and introduced me to his mother which was a pleasantly surprising. I had no idea where we were going until we got there and it was a total surprise. She and I hit it off very well. Everything else is still wonderful.

Glad to hear its going well...

Like I said before, its easy when its easy. When the crap hits the fan and he has to deal with some noise, which happens in the best of relationships sooner or later... that's when you'll start to get a sense of how vested he is.

Glad to hear he isn't running off. Eventually, we all get it right, hopefully... and maybe he's finally ready to step up and not play the mental games he's played in the past.

Also, as much as the ex is over the top, I hope he is being a good father, or willing to be a good father to his child. Might not be easy, but he owes it to the baby. The child had no part in the noise that the parents created between themselves.

Just an update, everything is still going as wonderful as I had hoped. Wish me luck.

OK I don't want to hear I told you so from anyone that has been in this since the beginning but you all were right. Things were wonderful for awhile now I'm not so sure how this is working out for me. He says he's loves me and that we are going to go far in life. He says he doesn't want anyone else. He took me to his home town and introduced me to friends and family as his wife. I met his parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends. It was amazing. His mother and I hit it off she calls my cell phone now instead of his. We've been there twice and it was great both times. Out of the blue Friday night he says to me is it going to be a problem if I go ride around with my friend for a bit he has to be at work at 12:30 (it was around 10 at the time). I said no have fun. I did not hear from him until Sunday evening at 7pm and all he had to say was last I checked I was grown. I don't get it I still have no idea where he was. I picked him up at his ex girlfriend's house after their baby's 1yr birthday party. And if I say anything about it he balls up and won't say nothing. I don't get it how after all this time and you say you love me could you do that to me. I was worried sick. I didn't know if he had been in a wreck and was dead or what. I told him it was total disrespect. I said when you moved your stuff in my house you took it to a whole different level and this was not acceptable. I don't know what to do.

You know what you should do, you just don't want to do it. Have him move his stuff out and move back in with his child's mother.

You get the respect you demand, and sometimes not even that.

You decide what happens to you. You decide what crap you are willing to put up with.

You know the situation. There's just no use in going through all the noise again discussing is he or isn't he in love and what you should do.

Its really that simple. Do you want to live with this? You chose it. You can accept it or not. And don't make it a hell of a lot more complicated. Sometimes you can't be with someone you love. Sometimes you can.

So... again... not sure what you want to hear. Sorry he's reverting back, it seems, to his old ways. There's nothing wrong with what you did. You took a chance. Sometimes you need to take a chance just to know.

Now you know.

Now you get to decide what's next. It really isn't in his hands...

I know I hear what you're saying and I know deep down I should just say to hell with it, him, us, the whole thing. I wish I had stuck to my guns and never slept with him knowing how attracted I was to him and how he treated other women. If he would do it to them he would dang sure do it to me too. I miss my friend. I wish like hell things could go back like they were. I don't want to lose that part of it but it may come to that and I have no one's to kick but my own. I should have never let my feelings get involved knowing that this kind of lifestyle was not what I wanted for myself. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point. I know what I should do but it hurts deep down it hurts. And what makes it even worse is I'm white and he's black. My family knows nothing about him at all. He keeps saying sly little comments like if I say anything about my family he'll say I want to meet them, or when I tell him I love him he'll say, bet you won't tell your mama that. This a whole different gas can adding fuel to the fire. My family is prejudiced KKK type Redneck stuff. If they even thought I was friends with a black female they would disown me. I don't get along with anyone but my mother. I know how she feels about the situation and I don't want to hurt her. But I don't feel like I should put her through the stress of telling her if it's not going to work. I want to know that this is really what I want before I drop the bomb. I don't want all hell to break loose and lose my entire family and the inheritance ($$$$$) that is there and then not have him in the long run either. He says who cares what they think be willing to sacrifice something for me that I act like money is more important. That is not the case. I told them 10yrs ago they couldn't buy my love. But I don't want to lose both and end up with nothing in the end. I will give it up for him but he has to make me believe it's worth it. Right now the way things are it's not anywhere near worth it.

Girl his race is immaterial. I'm black and I say, so what! He is a two timing man and is not likely to change. He will be taking you through all kinds of changes. As for losing the friendship, he is not your friend. He is a user.
Lose him.

You say money isn't an issue and you almost sound like you believe it.

As for having him in the long run... you don't have him now.

You are kidding yourself.

You are in love with a guy who isn't giving it back right and who has a history of screwing things up. I know... its his ex's fault. Bullsh!t.

Like I said before... sometimes you got to take chances and risks... and sometimes you just have to bloody yourself up by running into a brick wall a few times before you buy a clue. Been there, done that.

You like him. You have family drama. Well juliet, I'm sorry, but you aren't special.

Everyone thinks their situation is unique... that their love transcends what other people feel and if they only could experience that Special Love that Only You feel then theyd understand and maybe say some nice words and bake you some cookies.

I know. I am an a$$ sometimes. Now is one of those times.

But its not to hurt you for no reason. I just hate to see someone waste time on someone who is not good enough for them. And I've BEEN in a place where I thought if I just tried hard enough... if they just could see how much I care... itd all work out.

Well... Beetles be damned... you need more than love.

If you were my daughter or my sister id give you a hug and tell you to get your head out of your arse. Sometimes you try and screw up.

But your latest post shows you still want to be with him. You are still hanging on. And you still are willing to suffer for him.

Been there. Done that. Until I decided it was too friggin boring to keep doing and then I got my head on right. I hope you do to, sooner than later. We all find our way eventually.

This guy has played you like a fiddle and is still playing you. Get some sense and some self respect. Put this fool out of you house and out of your life.