Dears peoples,

I split up with my girlfriend of 14 months last week. This also happened in mid march but I lost a bit of dignity then and begged her to give it another go. I no wrealise that I should have left her alone and left her space to herself. She says she never felt that same attraction for me since then, so ended it.

While we were together I swear we were so well matched and even her friends said we were so amazing together. However after reading the advice heer, I think the reason she went off me mainly is I turned into that 'wuss' in last 4 months whereas before when I didn't seem so bothered she was 'red hot' for me and went crazy if she didn't hear from me.

I'll paste a few things/reasons from her email:

"
hey, i hope ur ok. this isnt an easy email for me to write and you wont want to hear it, but i want to end our relationship. im sorry if it seems im springing this on you, i dont know if you could tell i was being a bit funny with you, ive probably seemed a bit moody and y. ive been thinking things over and i think it would be better for us both if i ended it, theres no point me tryin to carry on if im just gonna end up bein a to you and make you miserable anyway. ever since we first broke up ive not felt the same way, i wanted to have another go at things to see if it could work and to see if i could change how i felt but it hasnt. its not because of you, youve not changed your still the same guy i fell for at the beginning but i think ive changed, i really just want to be single now for a long time i think, im 17 and im just not in the same place as you right now im all over with my emotions i get depressed and moody and i just think right now i dont need a extra person to worry about or to think about. i want to concentrate on myself....

...i hope that we can still be friends because your a really nice person and i do like you. i can see it might be very difficult for you especially at first so maybe when youve had time to get used to us not being together we can meet up occaisionally for a drink or sumint.
i would have preferred to tell you in person and i probably would have waited till i saw you on wedesday but it turns out i wont have been able to see you that night because i have a meeting at work, and its a case of having actually worked up the courage to tell you. no-one else at all knows i was going to say this to you so theres no point ringing up my friends they wont find out till later i wanted you to know first.....

.....im sorry to hurt you, your a great person and i do care for you, the time ive spent with you has been amazing but i dont feel that i should have us carry on when im not ready to put myself 100% into the relationship.
im not sure whether ur at work or not im sorry if ive made it for you whilst your there. i presume that your probably gonna ring me or txt me, but i will just be saying the same thing, so im not going to change my mind this time.
again im really sorry it would have probably been better you'd never met me and i wish this was the other way round but i can't change how i feel. you will get over me and you will meet someone else, not many people meet their true love at 21 and 17 its very rare so it may feel like the worlds ended right now but trust me it hasnt give it time and all wounds heal. you will go back to uni soon without havin to worry about me enjoy yourself and probably meet someone there.
im sure we will talk again soon. sorry""

the reasons quoted before are " I need my space", " I do still love you"

I know for sure since march I have turned into an idiot, never given her space, so she must be bored and I've never given her room to miss me, and I guess I have been too available.


Other than that I know that we have never done anything destructive to each other and she said she could 'never rule out being with me in future but that right now she does not feel like it at all', and that she does not at all 'want to be in another relationship wiv anyone else else for a long time, years probably.'


So what do I do? Follow the general consensus on here of ignoring her for a bit, making myself less available?

She got off wiv lads last Thursday in a club but I grudgingly gave her my blessing, though it still hurts

Please give me advice.

Maybe that email I have shown (which doesn't include my name) gives clues?

Thanks guys,

snuffy
Please advise me

Well, well the ONLY way to get her back is to give her space. No calls for 2 months - NO CONTACT. NO e-mails, text, calls - none. Be elusive - make her think about you and wonder what you're doing.

YOU HAVE TO CHANGE and figure out what caused the break.

Then MAYBE call and causaully ask her to go to coffee after 2 months.

Learn about 'Nice Guys' - It's too easy to fall into WUSS behavior. WOMAN HATE THAT! Hate it. Too, nice, too agreeable, no opinion, always there, sharing your feelings all the time etc.

Work on yourself, learn about woman, hang out with your friends and have fun, DATE other woman casually, work on your hobbies/sports, hang with your family - it's important.

I am sure you were too availavble, called all the time, emailed, texted - woman grow to HATE that. Hate it.

Go to these sites and learn about woman and what creates attraction:

www.askmen.com - read every dating article - everyone - ESPECIALLY Doc Love

www.doubleyourdating.com - but the book - seriously.

www.sosusave.com - read every article

www.lovetactics.com - win your lover back

Learn about Nice Guys an how it's bad for business. Get this part of your life in order.

Being needy and clingy is horrible for business.

You stopped being a challenge for her - game over. SHE IS NOT your life - only part of it. You need other thinsg to keep busy.

You ALSO need to act like this OK... what ever... your life is great without her.

Woman love crushing men like you for sport. Act indifferent - don't call.

AND begging in March to have her back - repulsive!! Yuck!! SICK!! Be a freaking man.

So, judging by my email and the info I have provided there's a good chance I can make her want me.. become attracted, or do you think 3 months of clinginess (before I wasn't so clingy and she was all over me like a rash) have caused irreperable damage?

I don't know. I don't know how much damage you did to the relationship. I just know what works.

And what doesn't - DON'T go running to the phone whwne she calls ever. Don't return her calls.

YOU HAVE TO CHANGE BIG time - figure out WHAT turned her off.

STOP being so serious - woman HATE serious - light and funny ALL the time.

It happens some times the people we love do not love us with the same zeal,I suggest to study the relationship you are in from a nuetral point of view,I know its hard but ask yourself does she love me the way I want her to if the answer is no ,its solved

OK so we went out last Thursday because my parents are getting married soon, and she said she wouldn't mind going. Whilst I was out at this bar with her, I was all jokey and light hearted, kind of being 'nonchalant' as you people suggested. I said I'm really delighted whatever you do and I can see its good for both of us to go out and enjoy a little freedom because of our ages. In short I didn't show any sadness that she isn't going out wiv me anymore.

A compl;ete change from the week before. If anything I needed her to see that there was a 'change' in my outlook, or else she would have thought I was still broken.

OK since then one of her friends has strongly come onto me and she really fancies me. She is a lovely girl very attractive but obviously the ex g/f said to me, do not get off wiv any of my friends! I do like this other girl but I am definitely not over my ex g/f and I am reluctant to do anything with this other girl because I don't want to hurt either of them. It would take complete knowledge that there was absolutely zero chance of getting back with the ex g/f then I could mentally move on and maybe see how it goes with her friend.

I have not made any contact with the ex g/f since last Wednesday. None at all. I wonder if the ex is thinking of me because I've never gone this long without being in contact.

I don't mind her going out and being free and having a bit of fun, I would be jealous if she started a relationship with anyone because she expressly stated that she will not for a long long time. So if she diod that would be a big lie from her.

So, do I continue this no contact, and has my change of 'tact' likely to be working??

Wildcat please advise me of the whole situation.


I think I am doinbg well, but I definitely want her back, just she doesn't know it now because I have not told her.



Thanks, snuffy

Wildcat man. Where are you? Can you advise me here, and let me know what you think to what I did. etc.

Thanks, man

Hey Snuffy,

Continue with the no contact. Wait. She went out with you the one time recently - if she had a good time and you say what happened is true - you will hear from her again. You need to act like you have a life, are busy, and don't care if she is in your life or not.

It's great the other gal is attracted to you - wait a few weeks - she will most likely still be available to date. Take her out then - you really can't listen to what your ex says - she broke - and in a few weeks it will look OK.

Although - generally I do not ever date ex's friends UNLESS they set me up or say it's OK.

Again - you need to keep up the change. Figure out what drove her away. READ ALL those websites I gave you - learn about woman!

"she started a relationship with anyone because she expressly stated that she wiull not for a long long time." That's a pipe dream - she said that so she THOUGHT she wouldn't hurt you.

ALWAYS keep your feeling to yourself - always.

OK DO NOT get off with her friend... if you have ANY hope of getting this girl back you will ruin it by messin with her friend... back off and give her space.. like I told you when you sent me the message it takes TIME... it will not happen over night and you have to be patient... it took me almost 3 months before mine came back but you know if she really cares and there is really still chemistry there then she will be back... you just need to give her some time and air to breathe... so guess what... when she's acting carefree and nochalant... act the same way... stop being a punk and letting her see that this is having such a big impact on your life.. she is NOT your center of the universe just a mere part of it.. remember that

Good advice - lickemlolly.

Follow that - DO NOT contact for a while unless she calls - if she does - do not answer - return her call a day or two later. Just act busy.

Cheers guys. This new girl is a lovely girl. However certainly on balance I would not want to f**k up any chance of being with my ex again to get with this new girl because I still fancy my ex loads.

Like you say maybe after a much longer time if I am 'put out of my misery' then and only then should I consider moving on with the new girl if it feel sright for us both...

... Then you watch... the ex will want me back..

PPPPfffftttt. Girls eh! Can't live with them, can't live without them!

my tip to you is watch what you do your x could kill you if you go out with any of her friends is that clear to you. Friend listen to me do not risk it leave get as far away as you can to a place where the wild life roam and the streams bend in curves around your home this is what you desire.

Well I will do it if after many weeks there is no desire to be with me.

She can't say I don't want you but no one else can either.

Yeah for now I wouldn't be talking to any of her friends but after some time if she is moving on with her life then why shouldn't you... why should the world stop because she is not in your life and has no desire to be... but seriously though even if she does move on I still wouldn't recommend her friend... find someone else... bc not only will she see her friend as bad but shell see you as bad... itll probably make her really jealous but then again it could backfire in your face and her friend may turn you down... want some good advice... dont date your ex's friends!! find someone else... there are many pretty faces out there..

Something I omitted to tell you. Quite recently my ex girlfriend was acting rather strangely and I am thinking it is hormonal things which made her like this. She became very very depressive and I always tried to comfort her and tell her how great she is. Maybe this was smothering her but I cared about her welfare and I think it would have been wrong to dismiss her or ignore it.

She admitted by her own volition that she has very low self esteem. I don't know why because she is attractive physically and she is very intelligent and has much going for her.

I don't know if her lack of self esteem would have been a serious play on her mind for her to decide that she cannot handle the relationship. She did say in her email ' that she is up and down with her emotions and depressed a lot and right now wants to concentrate on herself." Her words.

Maybe she feels that if she can go out and get off with a few people then she will feel more self worth and feel attractive? I don't know? But I do want her and hope she sees me for the kind person I truly am, and that her great feelings of our good times persuade her to give it another try.

She texted me today but I have not replied, and I think I won't either, as per Wildcat's advice.


What are your thoughts please?

Does this shed new light on it?


Thanks, Snuffy

Here is the problem dude - woman DON'T WANT the sensitive guy!! They HATE the sensitive guy. They have their girlfriends shoulders to cry on.

Too many compliments and she runs!! Compliments are to be spread few and far between.

See you were be WAY too much of 'nice a guy'. Woman hate it!

Smothering kills relationships. You're NOT there to fix her ever. Never, early on in a relationship, give too much attention - she needs her space big time.

Sure you should listen - but, I have a feeling you went into sensitive girlfriend mode. Woman don't need another GF. You're there actually to make her feel GOOD and LAUGH and FUN!

Seriosuly - learn about nice guys: www.relationships.blog-city.com

The sensitive guy mode is very hard to fix. If she labels you a 'Nice guy' it's very hard to remove that. You also DON'T want to be a jerk at all - never.

It's kind of a fine line between both.

I've said to girls early on - I'm not your therapist and I'm not your girlfriend - please go talk to your girlfirends about this. They really don't want to share this stuff with you anyway - if they do - back off.

Wildcat,
I'm assuming (hoping) that the no compliments/let's not talk about anything sensitive only applies as the relationship is getting off the ground, right? Because I wouldn't want to be with someone who rarely complimented me and didn't ever want to talk about what was going on in each others' lives.
Help me out here!

Message deleted

Turtle - absolutely - only early on - most guys come on too stron gand ruin the relationship. Their interest level is too high and the compliments flow.

Too many compliments early on and you gals feel your being manipulated. AND - you feel repulsed after a while.

Let me please correct you. Very important is this... at 17 she most certsinly IS legal. Maybe not in your country but in the Uk she definitely, unequivocally is old enough.

FYI the legal age is 16.

That needed to be said, before You get any more misconceptions.

Message deleted

Just a moment there. Why the rudeness. Barely legal? Either legal or not, and fyi my girlfriend before her was older than me. How dare you cast aspersions and assassinate my character.

Snuffy comes from a nickname she gave me because of my eyelashes, they resembled those of snuffy on sesame street apparently.

Have the good grace to aploogise when you have been corrected, and lastly- that you have to be so impertinent is a failing in your personality!

I'd suggest you be a little more respectful and respect other people. I have not had the bad grace to be rude to you so I don't expect it back.

Message deleted

Snuffy - Battle gave some good sound advice in this last post.

I think you may have put pressure on this gal and that's not good.

Hey guys,

Funny what a few weeks does to change your mind and feelings for someone. You are so right. Women are a mere addition to your life not your whole life.


My feelings for this girl have gone entirely, don't know how, they just have.


Saturday evening I heard she went to a party and slept with a guy she didn't know and that half way through sex he told her 'oh by the way I have a girlfriend'

This act surprised me, I did not think she would just jump into bed with anyone but how wrong I was. I actually pity her for that. And I assume she felt very very used and abused. I'm not even hurt. Just surprised.

Everything you said about approaching girls is so right too. Strike up conversation, say something different then ignore them or act indifferent. I was playing this like a game at the weekend in night clubs. They follow you around like a bad rash! I couldn't get rid of a few of them.

Also I have somehow, god knows how, received interest from some very nice girls indeed who like me for who I am. This has made me feel so much more worth and I shall proceed carefully and learn to never make the mistakes which probably as you say turned the ex girlfriend off me.

Her friends does want me. I think I may even go there since the ex g/f lost a lot of self respect/scruples Saturday evening. It is not to get back at her at all. That does not interest me. I don't do revenge.


Thank you for all your invaluable advice.

Hey Snufy - considering she slept with some guy she didn't know - I think it's OK now to go for her friend - 100% - if you wish.

Classic - "I have a girlfriend" - YOU NEVER WANT TO BE WITH THIS GAL EVER AGAIN. Thank god you heard about this.

When you're in the clubs you got to ask for their # or e-mail.

Your advice is genius!

So I am right in thinking she is a bit of a slut for doing that!

I hear that she is getting ripped at college today because of it, and that her other friends were actually disgusted by it.

Apparently she said to them that she would have f**ked anyone.

I don't have a superiority complex but surely I am too good for her now.

Yes, I like her friend very much. I did when I was with the ex but being good natured I never encouraged it and I was faithful to her.

She told me not to get with any of her friends or people she know sbut I believe now that she has lost any right to determine this.
Also I have made it crystal clear to this new girl that she is not rebound material and that its not to get back at the ex.

And I have said lets just see how it goes, sort of acted indifferent but she does know I want her and she has said 'the feeling's mutual'


Just play it cool I guess.

Oh incidentally the ex does not know that I know what she did at the weekend, she hasn't mentioned it, but I will let her know, gracefully - not in a smart tone- that it was pretty low and a cheap thrill probably for her low self esteem (which I always tried to make her feel good about herself)

She truly does not deserve me now anyway.


One othe rthing wildcat, there is a nother girl who has exactly the same interests and who is going to university to do law and french, as I do, who got my number off a friend last week and she seems interested. I don't know how much but I have shown her that I like eher but that's all. I'm going to play that cool too.

Thanks a million for your advice. It all really works.

Any opinion on that please tell me .


Thanks, snuffy

You defintely, in a tactful way, and because you need to regain ALL power over her, let her know you about her 'hook-up'. You also need to let her know you don't appreciate it - in a tactful way.

"apparently she said to them that she would have f**ked anyone" - that sucks for her. DEFINTELY low self esteem. That's why you ned to let her know.

Go for her friend and, YES, make sure the friend knows it's not a rebound.

HAHAHA! Nope - not in this world. Not if some one you are really attracted to.

Lots of suckers SETTLE for way less as the girl they really love leaves - IT NEVER HAS TO BE THAT WAY!!

MAN!! That totally 'Nice guy' quotes. Won't get you very far in the real world. Maybe in a movie or TV.

I think I am regaining power of the whole situation - the funny thing is I really do not want her back now, seemingly it was me too who had to believe that 'I was not worthy'. Well, I bmost certainly am worthy and everyone's advice is that I am better off without her. She has changed and for the worse.

I haven't expressed disappointment to her, I said I didn't feel an ounce of jealousy ( I truly didnt) I said it was a bit sad, but its her business now.

I told her that I certainly will never want to be with her again now, but I do wish to remain on speaking terms - bear in mind wildcat that I'm not trying to win her back she's not worth it- but I said this to her: "that do u want to have a friendship with me that means regardless of what i do or who i fancy"

She said yes. NOw I really want her friend, but I am not going to be a wuss at all this time.

Treat them a little man keep them keen. I will never be abusive or a bastard but equally I shan't become clingy to anyone again. Oh by the way her friends told me she felt low for doing what she did at the time and that it was crap and cheap! Ha ha ha ha ha. Told her friends that at least I knew what I was doing!!

Goal! Game over, I will take that game, set, match thank you.


I'll keep you posted on the new girl wildcat.

What you think?

Sorry Packer - you don't understand human nature - we deal in reality here. That's pretty creepy.

Snuffy - NEVER put a woman on a pedestal - any woman. Never put them before you - that was you problem with this one. Seriously - their lucky if they are equal to you.

Treat them mean - keep them kean. Pretty much true - don't ever be a jerk - don't be rude ever, unless they are rude to you. etc.

That's a lot of guys problems - they make their new gal their life and she is actually, especially in the beginning, only a small part of your life.

Even the most attractive woman are human - they have their insecurities, hang-ups, problems - etcv.

Once you learn to keep woman below - or at least that feeling - then you will lnever have these problems agan.

I don't mean to demean woman - put that's the attitude they look for.

Wildcat, I agree whole-heartedly.

I was skeptical at first, if only because it doesn't make sense to a guy! However women as you say do not think logically, they feel.

It is to all intents and purposes one big game of chess seemingly!

Amazingly I have 4 or 5 women now who are interested in me, I know by the way they are around me and I am treating them all as if they want me!

Or to put it another way, I'm not going to make one of them my life. Sure if I commit then I commit, only a prick cheats. But for now, I have the luxury of choice and I can 'sell' myself and make myself only slightly available.

Someone said to me you should always leave them wanting more. Cut them short, and they will chase you. It's a nice feeling man.

You're right though never be rude unless they have been to you, but do bust their chops.

Let them know you like them but only show them that, I don't need any of them, I may want them but don't need them.


Make them 'feel' for me.' I don't need to persuade with words.

I read something too about when a women asks you for a drink. Apparently it is a test. I should say no you buy me a drink! Is this right!


I love your advice, I am changed man!

Yep - this is the whole point - to change.

I'd advise never buy a woman a drink unless you know her.

Yes -you don'r NEED any woman - ever.