I have read a lot of posts where people recommend going No Contact after a break up. Most of the time I read this when the girl said to the guy "I need a break to figure out how I feel and if we should be together." Usually the girl says at first she doesn't want to date other people but usually does so later on. My question is does going NC work at getting the person back?

No Contact works by making them miss you and realize what it is to be without you in their life. They start to feel the void and begin to wonder what you are up to since you aren't their puppy dog any more. You actually start to get some of your balls back. I know the thinking is that you start working on healing yourself in case they don't come back. And maybe by the time they do come back you don't want them anymore. I also know that telling them how much you want them back and how much you care about them will only push them further away.

But does No Contact actually work at getting the person back?

Yes 5 times?? It's been 5 months and on this 6th breakup since we were engaged I contacted her after 2 months and still wanted to get married she said no. But I think she still wants to come back but looks like an idot for breaking up so many times with me.

It hurts so much I know, but NC is for yourself. Nobody can predict the future but the best thing is to get on with your own life and get happy alone.

My ex came back twice. It didn't work out. She came back within two weeks each time. The last time was 6 months ago and no luck yet.

NC will not work to get your ex back if the reason she broke up with you was because you hardly ever paid attention to her in the first place while in the relationship.

If you were not giving her affection, were not attentive to her needs, were not there when she needed you, there was lack of communication on your end, then how is NC going to work to draw her back?

Doing NC will just reinforce in her mind the reason she left you and it's because you didn't show her that you really loved her.

But if the reasons for the breakup were caused by you smothering her, clinginess/neediness, heated arguing, or she wants to date other guys, she wants space, you were a pushover, then I would say strict NC is the way to go for getting her back. Don't initiate contact. Answer one out of every 3-4 of her calls. Don't stay on the line for more than 2 minutes.

My point is there is no one size fits all strategy for getting an ex back. If you were a jerk in the relationship who was never there for her then I think you need to be in some contact to show her you are serious about fixing your issues. Maybe do NC for 1 week then send her flowers and a letter of apology. Why should she make the moves to get you back if you were the one who neglected her?

She may not take you back right away but is testing the waters with how much you have improved in your communication skills. So using the NC strategy will backfire in this case especially if she's a good woman who had every legitimate reason to leave.

It totally depends on the situation.

I have no idea. My husband and I split up for 2 and a half years with no contact. We ran into each other and was back together for 6 years. We then split again for 3 months and was back together (living separately) for another year and split again. Almost 2 years later and we continue to be "friends" (the kind that never see each other or talks unless we have a problem). I know he loves me and I love him... always will, but that doesn't mean we're willing to deal with the heart ache of trying it again.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stonewilder

I have no idea. My husband and I split up for 2 and a half years with no contact. We ran into each other and was back together for 6 years. We then split again for 3 months and was back together (living separately) for another year and split again. Almost 2 years later and we continue to be "friends" (the kind that never see each other or talks unless we have a problem). I know he loves me and I love him....always will, but that doesn't mean we're willing to deal with the heart ache of trying it again.

---

Were these breakups mutual? Or who dumped who?

My ex always comes to me crying, I'm his soulmate, he grew up... (we are 38) and I'm ashamed to say I was always there for him, believing him, and then he is the one to never try with effort. Never includes me in his life won't sleep over move in forget it, he says down the road... yet he is the one asking to try again!!

So, I guess he is the dumper in a way, and also me cause I end up seeing no effort and start to complain and he realizes he doesn't want a real relationship, just verrry casual. Its been 12 yrs all together, the last 3 we have been divorced. It just ended again 3 weeks ago, only thing now he is dating his neighbor!! I gues I can say he never really wanted to try, just knew I was there for plan b, just in case

Concentrate on the present and the future not the past.

No contact isn't about them coming back. It is about you giving yourself a chance to get over the ending of the relationship and begin to move on.

If they come back it will most likely never work anyway so I wouldn't sit around waiting for it to happen.

Use no contact to mourn the ending of the relationship and begin the healing process. Nothing else.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Skell

No contact isnt about them coming back. it is about you giving yourself a chance to get over the ending of the relationship and begin to move on.

If they come back it will most likely never work anyway so i wouldnt sit around waiting for it to happen.

Use no contact to mourn the ending of the relationship and begin the healing process. Nothing else.

---

I agree... at least I try to... lol... every time my ex came back it didn't work, and not cause of me, I think I was just comfort to him like a habbit, when there's nothing else to do... so dumb I am...

I agree wth Skell,

No contact is about you, not about them missing you. According to your posts, he is seeing someone else. Why would you want the scumbag back?

Quote:

---

NC will not work to get your ex back if the reason she broke up with you was because you hardly ever paid attention to her in the first place while in the relationship.

If you were not giving her affection, were not attentive to her needs, were not there when she needed you, there was lack of communication on your end, then how is NC going to work to draw her back?

Doing NC will just reinforce in her mind the reason she left you and it's because you didn't show her that you really loved her.

---

I disagree... pathetically enough, the first guy I actually felt love for treated me like dirt, never called, never paid attention, and for our 1 month anniversary (which was a big deal to me) he went out and got high with his friends, YET I went back to him after 3 months with NC. I showed up on his doorstep and I asked him if we could talk, we worked things out and we went back out. Sadly, after a while we realized that we just weren't going to be able to keep the relationship going because we both wanted totally different things. A second time this happened but once again he took me back and we worked things out. Of course, our relationship ended because by then we were spending so much fuel on working on the relationship that neither of us were even living it.
I hope that you'll be able to work things out for yourself and maybe time really is what you need. It hurts but it works and it gives you time to see what is really on your mind. In the mean time, try taking up a hobby or something to take your mind off the dirtbag. Best Wishes:)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Skell

No contact isnt about them coming back. it is about you giving yourself a chance to get over the ending of the relationship and begin to move on.

If they come back it will most likely never work anyway so i wouldnt sit around waiting for it to happen.

Use no contact to mourn the ending of the relationship and begin the healing process. Nothing else.

---

Here we go again. We have one of these s who try to force hardcore NC down people's throats! If you want help for how you can get your ex back go to LoveShack.org: Interpersonal Relationship Advice and Assistance Center - Love and dating advice, platonic relationships, and more. and some other sites. The head gurus of this site are against devising any strategies to get an ex back. They want to force feed you with the move on crappy advice!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by dreamguy

Were these breakups mutual? Or who dumped who?

---

After so much on again, off again you start to forget who did what and why. Anyway, first time I dumped him. Second time it was mutual but he would say I dumped him. Third time he dumped me. I don't really think it matters though who dumped who... it hurt either way.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stonewilder

After so much on again, off again you start to forget who did what and why. Anyway, first time I dumped him. Second time it was mutual but he would say I dumped him. Third time he dumped me. I don't really think it matters though who dumped who... it hurt either way.

---

Oh it matters all right because the dumper is not the one trying to make sense of what happened. The dumper does not go through a grieveing process.

If someone says they want a break normally I find this is a females way of saying she either no longer wants to be in the reltionship or she's not sure what she wants. This can normally happen because you ahave been together for a whiole and she is thinking it may not be as exciting as what it first was. Well this is normal and if you have been a great guy to her and had lots of fun. Then you let her go you let her realise what it is like to have a life without you. What I find is that for a stupid reason girls at first chase hard are worried the guy is not that into them but as the relationship continuees they feel more comfortable and they then start to think they are not sure what they want cause they don't use there head and say I have this great guy who I have heaops of fun with and a great time. NONONONONo this is not what they want they want a guy who they are not sure about someone who makes them feel it inside of them not in there head unfortunately..

You must learn girls don't think like guys we think she's great she think I feel so funny around him I WANT HIM. You have to make a girl feel like she needs you that is how you get them. Its not about her liking you it's the way you make her feel... She has to miss you. That is why when she wants a break there is one thing you do, when she wants the break don't cry but if it has been a long relationship 18 months plus tell her how yourve had heaps of fun together and why would she want to do this and you can get a bit angry at her for she is stuffing you around let her know you won't stand for this don't try and beg show her you don't take that and say well if that's how you feel its over and tell her to go. Do not contact under any circumstances even if you think you have something to say Don't SAY ANYTHING let her realise and wonder what you are doing. She will regiain those feelings and tell herself you are a grreat guy and she has made a mistake. You must also play this properly when she calls and they ALWAYS call ALWAYS!! ALWAYS you don't answer your on a break your busy doing other things. SHE WILL CALL AGAIN that's when you answer if she wants to catch up you say OK,, But when you catch up you tell her she wanted the break and she can't just change her mind your happy the way things are maybe we can take it slow and see what happens... SIMPLE


BUT Definitely DO NOT CALL CAN NOT DO YOU ANY GOOD AT ALL!! SHE MUST FEEL THE VOID IN HER LIFE AND WANT O COME BACK...

... wow...

That's my question does NC bring someone back, I like what you said about not being their puppy,its like the dumper throws scraps at you. Maybe NC will heal and bring someone new in your life, I'm hopeing that for me

The reason why we do No contact.. is to protect ourselves.. if we dumped them or have been dumped its easyier that way..

At the end of the day you got to do what's right for you.. if you can handel being friends after a break up.. which is insane ;) I might add.. why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you..

But anyway :) NC isn't for everyone.. but it's a really good way of getting over someone.. and.. but yeah I know of a few Ex that come back.. after NC..
If it works out great if not. Then well its just that isn't it :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Inspired

I agree wth Skell,

No contact is about you, not about them missing you. According to your posts, he is seeing someone else. Why would you want the scumbag back?

---

That is so true!! Why would you want someone who didn't want you

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by dreamguy

Here we go again. We have one of these s who try to force hardcore NC down people's throats! If you want help for how you can get your ex back go to LoveShack.org: Interpersonal Relationship Advice and Assistance Center - Love and dating advice, platonic relationships, and more. and some other sites. The head gurus of this site are against devising any strategies to get an ex back. They want to force feed you with the move on crappy advice!

---

Care to give me an example where / how your wonderful games and strategies work??

All I see with you is a busted up relationship and a poor simple fool who is continually being played by his older ex.

I'm not forcing anything down anyone's throat. Your doing a good enough job of that with your sh1t attitude to everyone who doesn't agree with you. Im just giving my opinion!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by dreamguy

Oh it matters alright because the dumper is not the one trying to make sense of what happened. The dumper does not go through a grieveing process.

---

Oh BS! Dumping someone isn't always because you just don't care about that person. Sometimes you "dump" a person because they are braking your heart. When I split up with my husband I tried to talk to him for months about our problems and he didn't listen. The night we split I sat at a table for 5 hours straight crying trying to make him understand what he was doing that hurt me. I would rather be alone and hurt than live with the person who is causing the hurt but that doesn't mean I didn't love him. It just meant I loved myself enough to want to be happy too.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Skell

Care to give me an example where / how your wonderful games and strategies work?????

All i see with you is a busted up relationship and a poor simple fool who is continually being played by his older ex.

I'm not forcing anything down anyones throat. Your doing a good enough job of that with your sh1t attitude to everyone who doesnt agree with you. Im just giving my opinion!!!!

---

You're probably just a fat slob sitting in front of a computer screen all day. Bet this is the only place where you have any friends. Once again your intentions for posting here are self serving.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by dreamguy

You're probably just a fat slob sitting in front of a computer screen all day. Bet this is the only place where you have any friends. Once again your intentions for posting here are self serving.

---

Hahahaha. Got me in one dreamguy...

I pity you.

The funny thing is he is calling you out about sitting in front of a computer screen all day yet responding to all of your messages, ironic huh

Hmm... you have a very good point. But maybe it's because knowing you're right about something makes ya feel so darn great, you just wanna keep it going. Although he's not 100% right......

Move on!

There is only one way to get an ex back!! Donothing if they wish to come back and miss you they will. Ifnot they won't. When you first meetsomeone do you hang all over them trying to get them to go out with you.! Definitely not so when some one breaks up with you why does everyone want to be all over them. Its because you feel so hr. But put it simply if they are not into you at the time why do yo want to be all over them Have you ever met a girl and they are all ove you , well youarnt that interested are yo so don't be all over them let them go and realise what it is like not to have you in thee life!! Its prety simple if they want you they will be back!!

Quote:

---

j9s, I have read a lot of posts where people recommend going No Contact after a break up. Most of the time I read this when the girl said to the guy "I need a break to figure out how I feel and if we should be together." Usually the girl says at first she doesn't want to date other people but usually does so later on. My question is does going NC work at getting the person back?

---

Not unless they want to come back in the first place, That's not the point at all.

Quote:

---

No Contact works by making them miss you and realize what it is to be without you in their life.

---

No it doesn't even though it could happen. Actually its for you to get emotionally stable after being kicked to the curb.

Quote:

---

They start to feel the void and begin to wonder what you are up to since you aren't their puppy dog any more.

---

They can no longer play games with your feelings and you get yourself under control and can handle your emotions, and the shock of the break up.

Quote:

---

You actually start to get some of your balls back. I know the thinking is that you start working on healing yourself in case they don't come back.

---

Actually you heal, so you can see them for who and what they are and not thru the blinded eyes of luv.

Quote:

---

And maybe by the time they do come back you don't want them anymore.

---

Because you can see why it didn't work and why it wont work, seeing thru healthy eyes shows you that a lot of things you refused to see are deal breakers and you are to happy to o back to what was miserable.

Quote:

---

I also know that telling them how much you want them back and how much you care about them will only push them further away.

---

Abandonment and rejection make us look so pathetic and really weak, especially when the dumpers mind is made up.

Quote:

---

But does No Contact actually work at getting the person back?

---

I have answered THOUSANDS of post and never seen it bring the ex happily back, if I've missed something, someone out there please let me know.

I have noticed on many posts here that people are desperate to get back together with there EX... (not saying that I was any different). But they want to just jump back into the same relationship... without taking a look at why it failed... or working on the problems before giving it another go. You can't make it work AGAIN if you never address and fix the problem.

No Contact is good in that it allows you time... to heal... grow... reflect... and be happy again.

There really is no answer to this, but Im sure you knew that as soon as you posted this. Perhaps you are looking for a particular answer since there will be many and then you will be able to convince yourself that as long as another person believes what you believe, you then have confirmation to follow through with your plan- whatever it may be. Truth is, the situation can go either way. Of course I wish you get the best result, because I went through the same thing and I hope I never go through it again. All I can say is I wish you the best. Also you should pray to God for him to give you the strength you need to get through this... Believe me, only he can truly help you. We can only give advise, God gives answers!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Not unless they want to come back in the first place, That's not the point at all.
No it doesn't even though it could happen. Actually its for you to get emotionally stable after being kicked to the curb.
They can no longer play games with your feelings and you get yourself under control and can handle your emotions, and the shock of the break up.
Actually you heal, so you can see them for who and what they are and not thru the blinded eyes of luv.
Because you can see why it didn't work and why it wont work, seeing thru healthy eyes shows you that a lot of things you refused to see are deal breakers and you are to happy to o back to what was miserable.
Abandonment and rejection make us look so pathetic and really weak, especially when the dumpers mind is made up.
I have answered THOUSANDS of post and never seen it bring the ex happily back, if I've missed something, someone out there please let me know.

---

Yes it can work sometimes if you are real cool with yourself and do not play it the wrong way. If you pull back its natural for the other to move near to you. One goes one way the other follows don't think so try it with someone somethime, just don't crawl or it has no chance, the second you let them go is when it starts to works on their emeotions and some take longer than others but they will miss you and start wondering what is up and why you took it so easilt. Sometimes that is enough to make them want to contact you or come around as it starts to feel like you actually broke up with them . The tables do turn in some cases.

I guess I have a rare case of the "i need a break" line from your girlfriend. I came to her with my problems about the relationship, she came back to me and said "i need space to figure out whats wrong with me and why i can't just accept that you like me". I wrote the relationship off, and oddly enough, she came back to me the next day saying she misses me and was thinking of me. She took less than 24 hours of space and we were back together. Sometimes, girls are genuinely confused. I believe she was, so it worked out...

Of course, if you know my other threads, she doesn't make life easy for me, but that's just because I overthink everything! We are bf/gf, but I almost treat it like NC besides a text here or there, because in the first 2 months of the relationship, I felt like I smothered her, so now I'm backing off and xmas break is a great chance to get some space.

I think NC works, but you have to communicate before round 2 of the relationship, or it will follow down the same path as round 1

So, I'm still waiting for that success story, where you live happily ever after. I can tell you this, that two healthy people who feel the same about each other, have an excellent chance of working together to solve their problems, to the benefit of both.

I'm the original poster of this topic back in July. I guess I can now answer my own question with a twist...

Eventually my ex came back around. I don't think I ever fully did NC for more than a couple days as anytime I stopped calling my ex would contact me. After awhile she told me that she wanted me back and we were happy all of about two weeks. Yes the girl I was so crazy for and couldn't be without finally came back to me and you would think we would live happily ever after but that is not what happened.

The original issues that gave us problems in the first place were still there. Actually worse as now we had a break up, get back together, break up, get back together relationship. As time went on I started to realize the magic wasn't there. I was a little hurt I guess that she took two months to think about it before getting back with me, but really I started asking myself was this the girl I wanted to marry? Was she the one? Was this the life I wanted to have? I then started to see all the problems in the relationship and that it wasn't right for me. At this point we had been together about a year so it was time to poop or get off the pot.

A month or so ago we broke up for the final time. I thought it ended mutually, but since then she has been trying to get ME back. SHE is now the one that wants to get back together! She has all these ideas of what went wrong, how it will be different, and how I am the perfect guy for her. We have totally switched places! However the cycle is over for me. For the same reasons above, this is not the relationship for me. I keep telling her we can't break up and try it again 3 times. We are not in high school anymore (both of us are around 30). She is a great girl, but not the one I want to marry.

This weekend she even told me that she would be doing NC (but has also proceeded to call me every day). I actually want her to do NC as I think it would make things easier and we could be friends someday down the road.

Such a drastic change of events from 6 months ago! Isn't life funny?

I really appreciate the update, we get far to few here. I hope you take the positives from the experience. Yes that's the way it usually turns out. After all the emotions, I think we get to the point of finally being realistic and see things a lot clearer, which helps in making decisions.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by j9s

I have read a lot of posts where people recommend going No Contact after a break up. Most of the time I read this when the girl said to the guy "I need a break to figure out how I feel and if we should be together." Usually the girl says at first she doesn't want to date other people but usually does so later on. My question is does going NC work at getting the person back?

No Contact works by making them miss you and realize what it is to be without you in their life. They start to feel the void and begin to wonder what you are up to since you aren't their puppy dog any more. You actually start to get some of your balls back. I know the thinking is that you start working on healing yourself incase they don't come back. And maybe by the time they do come back you don't want them anymore. I also know that telling them how much you want them back and how much you care about them will only push them further away.

But does No Contact actually work at getting the person back?

---

IN the moment, the partner says things like "i need time, i need to figure out how i feel and if we should be together", that's the real breakup! The countdown began a long time ago, so this is the time when the partner already made their mind up to leave and you shouldn't be doing anything to make them come back! No games, no tricks, no stalking, nothing at all. It's the moment where the relation is dead, nothing can bring back the old times, it just doesn't exists anymore, and you are single! Like they say in my country "im not asking how have you been, but how are you". You have to be single, as you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Are they wrong or not with their decision? Well, it's their decision and that should be none of your business! You have to tell yourself everyday "IM BETTER THIS WAY!", just because as I said, you don't want someone who doesn't want you! Are you the dumpee ? I don't think so. You are just single like before.
As for the relation, I would like to say this: A relation is where two people are OK with each other, where they live through good times like everyday, and they do things to refresh their relation. In the moment you live with the old times, in fact you got nothing at all.

So far success. Broke up for 2 1/2 months. I never contacted my ex. I did accept his weekly phone calls for about 6 weeks. Then got serious about NC for 4 weeks. (And by serious, I mean I accepted that we were over and was really starting to rebuild my life) After the 4 weeks of NC, he showed up at my door. ( I was really surprised. I thought for sure we were done). We talked about EVERYTHING before deciding to get back together. Took about 2 weeks of talking and just hanging out and reacquainting overselves before we officially got back together. We officially got back together on Sept 10, 2007 and are still going strong. So far so good. So far we've been mindful of the little things that drove us to split up after 3 1/2 years together the first time so they don't escalate. Got to say. It feels pretty good so far. Maybe we'll actually make it.

Also, I should mention that I'm 30 and my boyfriend is 25 so I guess I consider us to be in an "adult" relationship. We were together for 3 1/2 years and never broke up before that time. We didn't play the break-up/make-up game repeatedly. In my experience in my late teens/early 20s, that break-up/make-up game is never a good sign. It usually just means it's a matter of time before you break-up for good and one if not both of you might just not be ready for a committed relationship.