I met a man recently who is a terrific in many ways. He's divorced, but he only has good things to say about his ex-wife (who cheated on him). He has a child he adores. He is loving toward his extended family. He has a good job.

I went out with him a few times. After our second date, he started telling me how wonderful I am -- I mean really gushing. I think that I'm a good person, but I don't think that after only a few hours together he is in a position to judge me or anyone else in such an extremely positive way. I felt very uncomfortable.

I want to be in a relationship with a really good guy, but by coming on too strong so soon when we were just getting to know each other, he pushed me away.

I'm thinking about seeing him again. But, how can I stay interested in him when after just four dates he's left me in no doubt about his strong feelings for me and I feel like I haven't had much of a chance to see if I can develop feelings for him? The difference in our feelings is making me want to stay away from him. But, my wanting to develop a relationship with a good guy is making me think that I should keep trying with him in spite of feeling uncomfortable.

Any advice?

Yes I do, but I think it would be impossible to keep your relationship and tell him - he needs to learn on his own. I am sure IT SUCKS!! Guys just don't know this stuff. We think we have to be all nice, impress, be agreeable, being all nice instead of being ourselves, trying to convince a lady to like us (never will happen UNLESS you have a billion dollars), looking for your approval and permission, buy a ladies effection, sharing how we FEEL WAY too early - guys should wait a long time - it's what woman want, NOT understanding how attraction works, giving away ALL your power to the woman - submission, NOT knowing/learning about woman's tests.

HE REALLY NEEDS TO KNOW woman think differently than men - woman feel - guys think in logic. Woman react more on their feelings on things.

He should go to these websites:

Here's one with a TON on the 'Nice Guy' syndrom www.relationships.blog-city.com

He should go to www.askmen.com and he should read ALL the dating articles ALL of them - especially Doc Love (Mr. tough love)

He needs to buy this book: www.doubleyourdating.com and get the free e-mail.

You BOTH need to go to www.lovetactics.com - he needs this - read the free articles.

IF you stop seeing him please explain WHY and share this stuff with him.

Guys just don't know this stuff AT ALL! Woman talk about it ALL day long every day!!

Being a 'Nice Guy' is BAD for business - ANF I know for a fact it is NOT natural - WE THINK WE NEED to be all nice and NOT UPSET you - but that's WRONG!!

My gal LOVES Tulips - I would buy them EVERY day for her - BUT SHE WOULD HATE THAT!! HATE IT!! I would buy her a field of Tulips - BUT SHE WOULD HATE IT!! Small doses of gifts work. Compliments need to be rationed carefully or women WILL feel they are being manipulated.

ALSO - you might not like this - he should see other woman in the beginning - it keeps the guy from putting TOO MUCH emotion into ONE woman - a woman he really knows little about.

You CAN'T CALL ALL THE TIME, e-mail, text - too much communication is horrible for business.

I would sit down with him and slowly tell him what woman expect - he's clueless - he is clueless tha the is turning you OFF instead of turning you on!

He needs to understand to be a little less available, independent, CONFIDENT, know what woman want, healthy, NOT needy-clingy etc.

By not acting desperate to get love in return, but by methodically being there for the One You Want over time they will come to emotionally depend on you. A great skill to seek to master is that of Reflective Listening. This alone will give you more power than you can ever imagine!

Nice guys are so insecure and needy - and they have NO IDEA they come across this way. It's repulsive for a woman - there is no need for .

Guys think they NEED to put woman up on a pedestal - WRONG!

A bunch of here decided the word nice should never be used any more in terms of relationships - it's just a BAD word.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

IF you stop seeing him please explain WHY and share this stuff with him.

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I must comment on this. I cannot stress how important it would be for him if you tell him these things once (if) you stop seeing him.

There was one girl I loved... not fell in love, but grew in love with her... one day she said she wants to break up and would consistently say it is not my fault... that she just wants to be alone at the time. She just would never tell me what was wrong. I do understand NOW what the problems were. I can tell you now that I "hate" her for not telling me in my face what the problem was. If she just said that I was calling her too often, that I was too nice with her, always been there for her (MUCH more then I should have), I would learn all this stuff years ago... I would have a chance to change before I found this site and heard what Wildcat was talking about. But instead, she decided to say it was her, that I didn't do anything wrong.

If you don't tell him what his problems are, he'll have very little chance of changing. Unless he runs into someone like Wildcat :)

So, if you can't stand it - tell him... leave him alone for a while and tell him to call you once he changes... but just don't say it's not his fault... it's the worst thing you can do.

It would be like if my coach wanted to teach me how to throw a punch, but I don't learn it right away and break my wrist because I didn't hold my hand the right way. When I break it, and he sees my mistake, he just says: "It's not your fault!". After it would heal, I'd go back to my boxing bag and make the same mistake again - breaking my wrist again. If he decides to tell me what I'm doing wrong, I'll make an effort to learn that, and avoid breaking my wrist again.

So - don't just say "it's not your fault"... it's the worst thing you can do.

I was the same way - I had to learn this stuff. It's horrifying to find out - BUT THEN enlightening!!

I gal I really LIKED did the same thing to me - it's not you, it's me - WELL, I had to change - I HAD to find out what I was doing wrong!

It's all really our mothers faults for telling gus to treat woman like princesses al lthe time - and for the most part they don't deserve it! Woman are like guys and you should treat them that way a lot. No Pedestals - it's too high a place and pressure for a woman to handle.

I adivse, if he keeps it up and creeps you out, to break up with him and tell him. PLEASE give him all those sites..

If I just help one more person.

I bet if he learned he would SO MUCH MORE happy - and you'd like him a lot more as well.

I think he may be a very lonely person eager to be with a nice woman like yourself that he may be over doing it to impress you I think if you give it some more time things will become better

He can also try this web page: http://www.fastseduction.com. There is a message board on there which he can post his questions to as well: http://www.fastseduction.com/discussion/

What's wrong with just telling him he's coming on a little strong? I've done it. They either get embarrassed and stop calling, or take a shot at pulling back a little. If he's really interested, he'll modify his approach. I think honesty works in this one because you're not telling him he's deficient, it's an easily correctable behavior you want him to adjust.

"What's wrong with just telling him he's coming on a little strong? I've done it. "

Exactly. It helps - but it sounds like he needs some help in other areas.

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Battle - it's more too it than that.

This guy is too needy-clingy, ALWAYS trying to impress, no back bone, always agreeable, never tries to upset - etc.

Do nice things and compliments are great - when rationed.

This is a huge fine line here.

Being WAY to available and calling all day long is NOT nice.

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But that's what he did to creep her out. This guy has issues and no woman would want to deal with him that way - Ok?

Sorry to burst your bubble but I have HAD many relationships work - many - including one now. How the hell do you say that? You have no idea the length of my relationships. That's funny - never judge someone here - ever - or make up stuff you don't know about. I never told you about any relationships in the past. I have had GREAT realtionships with man ywonderful woman.

Do you want me to bring up your issues? No. This is ADVICE - not judging people or making up stuff you know nothing about.

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Jesus Freak.

No Packer - wrong - you have no clue what a 'nice guy' is - yuck.

It's NOT a kind person or a giver.

Stop giving bad advice.

This is really to all generally. I have to say that I loooove nice guys. I don't agree with the consensus here that says you have to act aloof and not let a girl/guy know how much you like them or it will drive them away. To make yourself unavailable, not to call/im/txt too much. That's crazy. I suppose that may be true for people w/ low self esteem who feel like they don't deserve to have someone who has strong feelings for them. I expect to be treated like a princess and love to be chased. I don't want someone acting like they don't care whether they are with me. I'm not talking stalker here, mind you and I agree that both people should have lives of their own, but if you have to play that kind of game, then the other person is clearly not that intersted in you. Why would anyone want to pursue a relationship based on the other person only wanting to be with you because they think they can't have you? Relationships should be easy. I've had two long term relationships (one 6 yrs and one 5 yrs) and in both cases, neither party felt like they had to be anybody but themselves. If you can't express your feelings openly because your partner makes you feel uncomfortable, then they are not for you. (BTW, both relationships ended solely because of relocation for career issues. I still have great freindships with both.)

That's all great... but what we are talking about here are - Needy-clingy, desperate people, too agreeable - never says no = no conflict, approval seekers, buying efection, being too nice, convinving a woman to like you, sharing how yoy feel way to early, giving away all their power, making a woman lead etc.

Yes Chi2005! I like nice guys too, obviously. What I DON'T want is a guy who texts me 5x a day the day after we meet, and then when I tell him he's coming on too strong, keeps doing the same thing. What I DON'T want is a guy who, when I ask him what he's doing this weekend says, "Nothing." Have plans, have friends, have a life. Don't make it all about me -- we JUST met! Apparently there is a fine line between chasing and stalking, because I want to be chased, too.

I agree about game playing and not being yourself being mostly stupid. I think we're in agreement here, I just wanted to respond that the 'nice' we're talking about here is the guy who's too available and/or comes on too strong.

Yes - he comes on too strong - doormat - doesn't understand how relationships work.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Compliments need to be rationed carefully or women WILL feel they are being manipulated.

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Its just not the feeling that "here's someone trying to get laid".. its more than that too.

I've always gotten a lot of compliments so I'm kind of immune to that stuff, it rolls off like water on a duck's back for me. I get it all the time online and it is boring. Its NOT a compliment, to compliment ones personality and mind and talent is a compliment, to compliment ones looks is common and makes you appear to be a lookist that is only attracted to the outward package. That's why so many strippers secretly dislike men, its too easy to get men to drool over them, no challenge and boring. On top of that, you can't trust someone who is always complimenting your looks, and they are the FIRST sort of "easily impressed" men who have roving eyes and whose eyes will rove far sooner than they need be. Someone that easily impressed is SHALLOW and will give anybody attractive the same treatment, so you know you're not special right off the bat! Its good to be worried about someone like that.

When I have talked about this subject, I get men who said the common things such as "Well its better than them slamming you" or "Just take the compliment". They don't get the amount of compliments that I do and they don't understand that it is very boring and rude for a man to first comment about your looks. They would have to experience it themselves. It makes women feel like an object, and esp. me. I don't really feel like one, but I know Im being objectified.

Its best when men don't play games, give you what you want, at least try to anticipate your needs and appear as though they care, be courteous, be on time, don't cancel or flake out, show interest, but not appear as though you want a relationship tomorrow.

Last year I met a guy from the internet.. he's supposed to be tough, strong, working on himself, is in the media and meets a lot of people. Well I met him and he had an ANXIETY ATTACK in front of me.

I was sympathetic, but I was pissed. He was showing his weak side to me and wanting to run away. He started sweating profusely and explaining that "this never happens to me".. he was rather gruff and he was supposed to do something I had asked him to do, but seemed to totally forget about it after I met him. He ran away after only an hour. He doesn't open up, he didn't tell me how he felt about me.

Inscrutable, absolutely inscrutable, I also find that annoying, boring and not helpful. Everyone's running around so scared these days. When it is the men in life who are so scared that they feel playing games is the way to communicate, that worries me.