I am a 20 year old male, gay, and I am hopelessly in love with my roommate of three years. He, unfortunately, has all the symptoms of straightness. Most importantly, he has a girlfriend who he loves to have sex with.. I think. Through the years, he has become my best friend. He knows I'm gay and I have accepted that I shouldn't look for a relationship in his direction. That was all nice and fine until school let out this summer and we decided to rent a house together. His girlfriend took and internship in another state and he sees her maybe once every two weeks. Since the beginning of May, he has started to act really flirty with me and unfortunately it is working and I'm starting to fall for him in a way I haven't in a few years.

He always sits next to me with some part of his body touching me. Sometimes he randomly grabs me from behind and tells me he loves me. Sometimes he'll just sit in my lap. He gives me a lot of attention and the first thing he does when he gets home is find me and ask me what I want to do with him that afternoon. A few days he opened up to me about a couple of things he never told me before including that he didn't want to go see his girlfriend this weekend. He said it was too much of a hassle and he'd just rather stay here.

Anyway, as the weeks wore on, I started to get more and more hopeful about the possibility of something forming between us. Then all of a sudden, two days ago, he withdrew. Then his girlfriend came over to surprise him and he spent the whole weekend with her making sex sounds in their room. I hadn't realized that I had gotten so attached to him. It actually hurt me hearing those sounds on the way to the bathroom.

What should I do? I don't think I have the will power required to avoid him. He'll sense it anyway and try to get me to go out with him or something which I'll do without thinking.

Ugh, I'm in a similar situation. It's really hard to read "straight" guys because there is always a doubt about their sexuality. Unfortunately, avoiding your guy is like sneaking in after curfew, you are doomed to fail. I'd suggest that if you haven't gotten over it by the time your lease is up, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

You should tell him to keep it down in the bedroom, too. It is very inconsiderate to have loud sex while others are in earshot, especially since he's been hitting on you.

One quick question: how did he "withdraw" from you?

I just signed up for another year of living with him.

He isn't loud in the bedroom, I just heard a soft moan, but I mean it still hurts.

By withdraw, I mean that I had become used to him always sitting next to me. I would sit anywhere and be doing anything and he would eventually be curled up around me, leaning on me, or just simply sitting there touching me. He hasn't done that at all in the last two or three days. It wouldn't be noticeable if it wasn't something that became so common. Also it seemed like he didn't want to go out to eat alone with me last Friday.

Thanks for your answer.

Time for the hard talk, and maybe some hard decisions, as if something will not happen, you will need to know so you can decide if living together with one who is unavailable can be done. I imagine with your feelings, it would be hard to live together, and not get the same feelings back that you want to give.

Ouch, that year-long extension may have been a mistake. Try to keep a busy schedule so you don't see him as much. Date others frequently, whether you want to. Dating will do two things, show you there are other fish in the sea and keep you away from this guy. I hate to say avoid him, but creating space is the only way you'll get over him.

If he ends up coming out-and wanting to get with you-great for you! Just be careful since you live together. If it doesn't work out, you'll either have to live with him 'til your lease is up or go through the hassle of subleasing (it's awful!! ).

Thanks. I was considering just talking to him about it before I decide to just up and avoid him. I have been dating other guys on and off during the time I knew him, but I have to admit, he was at the forefront of my mind all the time. He is my best friend after all. We more than get along, we are pretty much two sides of the same coin. Pulling myself away from him will be pretty hard. I mean I do love him and he does love me. Whether its romantic or not is anyone's guess.

I know what you mean. I'm in a similar situation. When I'm around my friend that I have a crush on, it just seems right. I try to keep my distance now because I know that if I'm around him, I'll only like him more.

Yeah he is definitely avoiding me now... I guess its best. I'll just avoid him just the same.

Hold on honey... he sat in your lap? I am seriously questioning he sexuality; are you sure he is straight. It sounds to me like he was maybe being himself around you when his girlfriend was not around but when she came around again he "withdrew" in order to hide his feelings. If he is your best friend a talk about this would not harm your relationship, especially if he has been giving you mixed messages. I'm no expert on this type of situation but this all adds up to me... Good luck and let us know how it goes!

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Originally Posted by Synder

He, unfortunately, has all the symptoms of straightness.

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Symptoms? Do gay guys have symptoms? :p

I could go Republican, Church-loving right-wing on you and claim homosexuality is an illness you need to be cured of, but I'm just playing around...

Anyway you really need to just ask him. Whatever answer he gives, that's what you'll have to live with (even if he tells you he's straight and you think he might be in the closet, it doesn't matter until he admits to YOU he's gay).


--huno

P.S.: so... symptoms, eh? What are the symptoms of heterosexuality, anyway? :D

All this dancing around waiting, wanting, hoping! You can debate all you want and never really know, unless you talk. People who can't talk will never know if your wasting time or not.

I'm not sure, but it sounds like he's questioning his sexuality, and he's afraid of admitting it to himself, so he had sex with his girlfriend all weekend just to prove to himself that he's not gay.

I think you guys are right. I'll talk to him today if he doesn't avoid me so much I can't find him!

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Originally Posted by huno

Symptoms? Do gay guys have symptoms? :p

I could go Republican, Church-loving right-wing on you and claim homosexuality is an illness you need to be cured of, but I'm just playing around...

Anyway you really need to just ask him. Whatever answer he gives, that's what you'll have to live with (even if he tells you he's straight and you think he might be in the closet, it doesn't matter until he admits to YOU he's gay).


--huno

P.S.: so... symptoms, eh? What are the symptoms of heterosexuality, anyway? :D

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Um, well I was using the term lightly. The symptoms he exhibits are that he has sex with a woman and acts all interested in girls. Through he lied to me about having lesbian porn once...

If he's not ready to tell you that he's gay, he won't. You'll be in the same spot if he says he's straight. Before I came out, I denied being gay when people asked me about it, and there is good reason to think he'd be doing the same thing.

Maybe you could ask him to stop being so affectionate if he starts curling up next to you after the girlfriend leaves. Don't be a douche about it, but explain to him that his behavior makes you doubt his sexuality and you don't know how to react to it.

I should just talk to him. I'm not afraid, I just thought things were building up to that away with the way he was flirting. Since he's being so weird this week I'll just confront him.

It sounds like he is confused. Maybe he was starting to feel things for you but it has scared him. I would say give him some space, not necessarily avoid him, but try not to put pressure on him. I think if you play things cool and let him come to you when he is ready might help. I just hope that if you do talk to him he might get scared or feel defensive about you questioning his sexuality- but then he IS your best friend and he knows your gay so he should have been fully aware of what he was doing as he was being so friendly with you...

I hope it all works out OK.

I swear. He is still avoiding me, but he doesn't seem to be able to very well. I'll talk to him and he'll get all friendly for a few minutes then clam up like he realized something was wrong. Why is he acting this way? I wasn't the one hitting on him, he was in the driving seat there. This is crappier than when he was confusing me about his sexuality. He's treating me like I don't mean anything to him when just last week, he was treating me like I meant everything to him. I can't talk to him when he's acting like this!

This must be extremely difficult for you. I am going to stick with the idea that he is very confused too- he seems to want to be friendly and comfortable but something scares him and makes him want to avoid the situation. Have you asked him if everything is OK? Have you ever discussed his sexuality before? Maybe he started to feel things and didn't like it, and is trying to deal with that. Have you always known you were gay? Or did you go through a confused period- like he may be experiencing. I am a straight female, so I really am clueless as to how it feels- but maybe you can think back to how things have made you feel and try to understand what he is going through. Is his girlfriend still around? Do you have other friends you can go out and just give each other some space and try to talk about it later?

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Originally Posted by Synder

I am a 20 year old male, gay, and I am hopelessly in love with my roommate of three years. He, unfortunately, has all the symptoms of straightness. Most importantly, he has a girlfriend who he loves to have sex with.. I think. Through the years, he has become my best friend. he knows I'm gay and I have accepted that I shouldn't look for a relationship in his direction. That was all nice and fine until school let out this summer and we decided to rent a house together. his girlfriend took and internship in another state and he sees her maybe once every two weeks. Since the beginning of May, he has started to act really flirty with me and unfortunately it is working and I'm starting to fall for him in a way I haven't in a few years.

He always sits next to me with some part of his body touching me. Sometimes he randomly grabs me from behind and tells me he loves me. Sometimes he'll just sit in my lap. He gives me a lot of attention and the first thing he does when he gets home is find me and ask me what I want to do with him that afternoon. A few days he opened up to me about a couple of things he never told me before including that he didn't want to go see his girlfriend this weekend. He said it was too much of a hassle and he'd just rather stay here.

Anyway, as the weeks wore on, I started to get more and more hopeful about the possibility of something forming between us. Then all of a sudden, two days ago, he withdrew. Then his girlfriend came over to surprise him and he spent the whole weekend with her making sex sounds in their room. I hadn't realized that I had gotten so attached to him. it actually hurt me hearing those sounds on the way to the bathroom.

What should I do? I don't think I have the will power required to avoid him. He'll sense it anyway and try to get me to go out with him or something which I'll do without thinking.

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Well, if he's straight and knows you're gay, it sure was unusual of him to get all touchy and cuddly with you. Straight guys normally don't do that with gay guys - or do they?

I walked into him room a second ago. It went like this. I might be fun to make it into a short story. (I'll call myself Michael and him Jason)

Another day and I hadn't spent any time with Jason at all. I came downstairs looking for him, but his door was closed. It was unusual for it to be this way and it usually meant that he was either going to bed or he didn't want people to walk in on him. I figured whatever it was, I should still go see him.

I placed my ear softly against the door partly so I could gather myself and partly I could hear what was going on on the other side. After all, he could be on the phone. I couldn't hear anything but some comedian and a laugh track coming from the TV so I knocked softly. Somehow I put a lot of emotion into those three knocks. They were soft and subtle like the way I showed him I loved him.

"Hey Mike? Its okay, you can come in." he says and I open the door. He is lying across his bed without a shirt. At least that explains the closed door somewhat It is the way he usually is before bed.

"You getting ready for bed?" I ask the obvious.

"Yeah. I'm trying to decide whether or not I should take out my contacts or not." He says with a smile.

"You probably should. They always hurt your eyes when you keep them on too late." I say.

"Yeah, you're right. I guess I just don't want to get up," he says and I offer a quick chuckle at his smile as he struggles to move. That smile makes me forget what I came here to say.

"Well I'll let you get to bed. Good night." I say.

"Goodnight Mike." With that I walk out of the door and make it 10 feet down the hall to my room before I think and turn back. This time I just open the door. It looks like he was successful in moving and he's at his desk looking at something on his computer. I move to take a seat on his bed.

"Hey, Jason." I say unsure exactly how to continue.

"Yeah?" he says and turns to face me.

"Do you want to see that movie you wanted to see with me tomorrow?" I ask. The room is silent for a moment as he gets up and makes that face he so characteristically makes when he thinks about something really hard.

"I guess I should be able to," he finally says. I wonder what made him think so hard. He is free every afternoon and the movie would be on my computer, but I decide not to think about it.

"Its just that I haven't seen a lot of you lately," I say which is met by another silence so I continue. "I mean some of it is probably because I've been busy." I mentally kick myself. That's not the reason. I wait for his response though.

"Yeah," he says and pauses. "It happens I guess." I inwardly sigh. He changes the topic and he and I talk for a few minutes about the weekend. We both co-lead a club and we are hosting an activity. After a few minutes of banter he says he is ready to go to bed.

"Okay," I say and I get up..

"Mike," he says. His voice is different, softer. "I'll see you tomorrow okay?"

"Okay."

"Night Mike."

"Night." I say. I figure tomorrow will be another day.

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Originally Posted by Kattalover

Well, if he's straight and knows you're gay, it sure was unusual of him to get all touchy and cuddly with you. Straight guys normally don't do that with gay guys - or do they??

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I have no idea what straight people do or want to do. All I know is that I know are my feelings and that all my friends are comfortable with me. Homophobia isn't really a problem, but everyone has his limits of course. My friend doesn't have many though. He said so himself. "You know me, I'll do about anything," he said referring to with a guy.

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Originally Posted by Synder

I walked into him room a second ago. It went like this. I might be fun to make it into a short story. (I'll call myself Michael and him Jason)

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Such a wonderful story! I hope it'll have a happy ending!! *crosses fingers really, really, really hard*

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Originally Posted by Synder

Homophobia isn't really a problem, but everyone has his limits of course. My friend doesn't have many though. He said so himself. "You know me, I'll do about anything," he said referring to with a guy.

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I don't know... If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't sit in your lap unless I wanted to be more than roommates! But I'm a 44-year old straight woman, so I have no clue what motivates your guy's behavior. Is he this affectionate with everybody?

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Originally Posted by s2tp

this must be extremely difficult for you. I am going to stick with the idea that he is very confused too- he seems to want to be friendly and comfortable but something scares him and makes him want to avoid the situation. Have you asked him if everything is ok? Have you ever discussed his sexuality before? Maybe he started to feel things and didnt like it, and is trying to deal with that. Have you always known you were gay? Or did you go through a confused period- like he may be experiencing. I am a straight female, so I really am clueless as to how it feels- but maybe you can think back to how things have made you feel and try to understand what he is going through. Is his girlfriend still around? Do you have other friends you can go out and just give each other some space and try to talk about it later?

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For me, I always had feelings for guys before I knew there was such a thing as gay. I was one of those kids who didn't know anything about sex or sexuality until about 12. People always called me gay but I never stopped to think about it until one of my closer friends called me gay (after dry humping me in my bedroom of course). I yelled at him that I wasn't and that I didn't want to do anymore stuff with him. Looking back, its odd. I regret saying that now, but I was a kid. I know that deep down, I liked the stuff we did and I guess its because every time I was called gay was an insult why I reacted that way. It was about 5 years before I came out after that.

I got called gay the whole time of course and some people asked me to do stuff with them which I always turned down. I even got myself a girlfriend to put the matter to rest. I would have had sex with her to if I could have held interest in the idea long enough to follow through. It seems like once she said yes, the novelty passed and I didn't really want to. Of course that had to do partly with my shyness about being naked with other people. I didn't have the sex drive to get me over that hump. No pun intended.

As soon as I stopped thinking I was bi, I came out in a flash. The world knew by the next Tuesday, but I'm not like most people. My parents haven't gotten over it and my extended family has called me pretty crappy things, but that didn't really stop me. With my friend, I thinkinghe would face a lot more resistance from home than I did and he already has a pretty tough home life.

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Originally Posted by Kattalover

I don't know... If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't sit in your lap unless I wanted to be more than roommates! But I'm a 44-year old straight woman, so I have no clue what motivates your guy's behavior. Is he this affectionate with everybody?

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To be honest, he's affectionate with a few of our friends in the past. Only the guys though. During the last few years I've learned not to tell him who I think was gay among our friends because his immediate reaction would be to flirt (I should get to do that before him if at all!). I think some part of him likes the attention he gets and I guess with guys, he doesn't have to worry about a relationship. That doesn't exclude him being gay of course. The point is that he likes to flirt and be flirted with.

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Originally Posted by Synder

I think some part of him likes the attention he gets and I guess with guys, he doesn't have to worry about a relationship. That doesn't exclude him being gay of course. The point is that he likes to flirt and be flirted with.

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Oh dear, that must make it even more confusing for you!

I find it odd that a 100% straight guy would flirt with other guys, but I guess it depends on what you consider "flirting".

I wish I had a clever suggestions for you at this point. Alas, I don't! *sighs* All I can do is wish you the best of luck!

Thanks

I gave up on him as of today. I'm free yay!

What happened? Did you end up talking to him about his behavior? Give us the dish!

Basically, he is really pulling a 180 from the way he was acting the last few weeks so I started to feel really silly for having such strong feelings for him. I still really like him of course, but I realize now that it would be much easier on both of us if I just let him go. There are so many fish in the sea. Fish without girlfriends. Fish who are definitely 100% gay. Smart, funny, cool fish with perfect bodies looking for fish like me. I mean tomorrow is the pride festival after all and its not like its been a long time since my last boyfriend.

(No I'm actually sad about it but I'll keep positive)

I have to commend you for your choice to pursue your own happiness, and not hold on to false hope, because I was starting to think he has his own agenda, and you where not going to be a recipient of a healthy relationship with him.

Just for closure though, he just walked in my room, sat next to me on my bed. I gave him some space. He told me I should have stayed next to him. Then he asked me if we were going to the pride festival. Ha, I'm glad I've given up on him. Such a confusing guy.

He seems like a confusing guy. If you can muster up some courage, tell him to knock it off next time he gets affectionate with you and explain why it needs to stop. I should tell you that I don't have the balls to do this to my straight crush, but as they say "Easier said than done!"

You know what was embarrassing? The two times he wanted to come into my room yesterday were the two times I happened not to be wearing anything (I decided to shave my underarms after I took a shower cause I've been putting that off for a while and I just didn't feel like putting on clothes when I got to my room). So I had to yell through the door which was gratefully locked "I'm not wearing any pants" to which I got the reply "Its okay." So I tell him to wait a sec anyway and I scramble for some pants ignoring underwear and a shirt and opened the door. That's the point where he sits right next to me on my bed. So the two of us were not wearing shirts at all and I really felt uncomfortable because I was worried that he would see that I wasn't wearing underwear or figure I was jacking off or something or realize that I had just shaved or smell the aftershave I used (not that he didn't know I shaved or jacked off, but it was still uncomfortable). So I scoot away a bit, grab a shirt and then kind of relax and leaned on my desk chair from my bed with my legs on the base.

So what does he do? He gets up off the bed and sits on the chair I'm practically straddling! That's the point where I back up and sit cross legged on my bed and he says "You could have left your legs there." I don't know if he expected me to lean back right on him something but I just shrug and say "Whatever. Doesn't matter."

So later I kind of bring up that Friday, Saturday and Sunday are the pride festival and he goes "So are we going?" Like it was obvious that we would be going together if I went. I tell him sure because, honestly, I was worrying about who I would be going with at all and was afraid to ask him. I mean he's supposed to be straight and wait a second, didn't he have a girlfriend he has sex with every weekend? Why would he want to go to a huge gay festival alone with a gay guy instead?

So it was decided that we would go today. Anyway so our friends come into my room wanting to go out for all you can eat pork night at Shonney's. So he tells them straight up that he would rather stay with me in my room and watch the TV with me. Then even more of our friends stand in the doorway and just repeat the question four or five time like some kind of mob and I say to Jason (not his real name) "you should probably go." So he turn to me and asks "yeah, I guess, so are we going?" This again implies that if we went it had to be together. I tell him that we should go and we do.

I'm just going to interject here that the last four days was all about him ignoring me and going off to places without me so this is just weird.

Anyway, so later that night was the second time he wanted to come in my room while naked. This time it was about midnight and I had already told him goodnight. What was worse this time is that I was actually considering jacking off this time and I had pulled up some porn to do it. So again I tell him "I'm not wearing any pants" and he says "Its okay, I'm not wearing a shirt," and again I tell him to wait anyway. To make it even worse was that this time I only managed to pick up a pair of shorts this time and this particular pair of shorts were kind of loose. So he just talks to me for a few minutes and leaves, all the while I'm holding the back of my shorts up behind me grateful that I hadn't managed to get hard yet!

That ends one of the most awkward confusing afternoons in a while. I found it all really funny. Sorry if I this post isn't very well written, but I was being very casual about it. I use the word 'so' and 'anyway' a lot when I'm telling stories out loud.

Ummm... maybe you should offer to give him head and see how he reacts.

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Originally Posted by Synder

What was worse this time is that I was actually considering jacking off this time and I had pulled up some porn to do it.

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Maybe you should have told him through the door that you were watching gay porn and to come back when you were done. ;)

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Originally Posted by Kattalover

Maybe you should have told him through the door that you were watching gay porn and to come back when you were done. ;)

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I hadn't actually started looking at anything. I had just opened the file. Plus he was all like "I want to talk with you" so I had to open the door.

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Ummm... maybe you should offer to give him head and see how he reacts.

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See, about four weeks ago out of the blue he asked me "can I suck your a.s.s(wow there is a filter here)," and then patiently waited for an answer. After my initial shock wore off enough for me to speak I answered "What?!" Then I turned him down and he laughed it off. See so it wouldn't even surprise him if I asked something as tame as giving him head.

Anyway we are off to Pride Atlanta! I'm going to go get fabulous.

You should've gone for it!

Except, that was a month ago when he was just starting to get flirty. I could only hope/assume/believe that it was a joke and/or trap.