Long story short. Got pregnant in college. After the first year me and my boyfriend lived w/ my parents. He got kicked out 5 weeks later for hitting me. I had our son and it's been 10 months since he last seen him (and me).

He completely refuses to talk to me and seems to have no intention on visiting (he lives out of state). I just don't understand how someone could block out that they have a son and girlfriend whom they proposed to three times.

I just keep thinking one day he will grow up and everything would be great, but I know it's never going to be that way. I was just wondering if someone could give me tips on how to move on since it's been almost 2 years since we broke up.

You will move on when you make a decision to do so. As much as you would like a partner in raising your son, he would be a bad choice. Don't mistake that need for respect or love.

Take him at his face value. See him as he is. Don't dream of him growing up your way.

When your son is an adult, they might meet and work out their relationship. But for now, it's you in the driver's seat.

Let go of him, and find a gentle man to be with.

It will take some time, but by living your life, and doing things to make your child safe, and happy, and you productive with a happy life of your own, you will eventually move beyond feelings for your ex.

He is toxic, and irresponsible, and your healing will take longer than just 10 months. Be patient as you build a life that you enjoy, without him.

Threads merged

Ok I really need help with this, I probably should see a councler or someone, but that really isn't an option. I haven't emailed my ex for 18 days and he hasn't tried to contact me at all. We have a son together that he hasn't seen since June. I can't seem to get over him. I really, really want to esp. since he seems like he is well over me. I just can't stop thinking about him and there are at least 3 things I see/hear about every day that just reminds me of him. I just don't know what to do. I went on a semi date in Feb. but that went horrible and all I kept thinking about was my ex. Help!

What are the things you see EVERYDAY that remind you of him? The first step to this is getting rid of any reminders. Secondly, it has only been 18 days. You can break up with someone a year ago, but I tend to think that it is ONLY when you initiate FULL NC that the real healing begins. 18 days is nothing. Take more time and do things to get your mind off him. What else do you have in your life, besides constant reminders of him?

Try approaching this like you would if you wanted to quit smoking.

Quitting anything (even people) is very hard in the beginning but if you stick with it, it becomes easier with time.

Try very hard to chase thoughts of him from your mind anytime they enter.

Keep yourself as busy as possible.

Make a list of things you don't like about him.

Make a list of qualities you would look for in your next partner (even if you won't be ready to start dating anytime soon).

Remind yourself of the bad times with him.

Exercise! It does wonders to a person's feeling of well-being, it releases happy hormones.

Spend time with people, make an effort to invest in new or old friendships.

Don't think about him. I know I've said already but I'm emphasizing it.

That's all I can think of for now...

Wow, I know that no contact is the way to go for the relationship between you and him, but he has a son and he sounds very irresponsible. He hasn't contact his son since June? He should at least have found a third party who can pick up your son so that he can see him.

Find a lawyer to see what child support you can obtain. Then, you should move on with your life. You shouldn't waste your time with a guy like this anymore.

I am getting child support, he lives out of state. There are tons of things that remind me of him. If I see doritos in the food store or someone saids something about North Carolina or New Jersey (where he lives now and used to), anything about nascar, any creed, phil collins or journey song, etc. Thanks for the responses everyone.

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

I am getting child support, he lives out of state. There are tons of things that remind me of him. If I see doritos in the food store or someone saids something about North Carolina or New Jersey (where he lives now and used to), anything about nascar, any creed, phil collins or journey song, etc. Thanks for the responses everyone.

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Well then the problem is for you to get over him.

There are always going to be signs that will remind you of him. But it sounds like you aren't busy and distracted enough. For example, if you were out having lots of fun with whoever, then you will hardly notice that bag of doritos in the store.

Go out there and enjoy life! After all that suffering, I think you deserve some happiness by now :)

I can't really have fun. I go to school during the day and watch my son at night. It's not like I can go out anytime I want (like he can I'm sure)

The best way to get over someone is to keep no contacting them. Although in your situation, you guys share a child so there will always be some connection between you two. See him only for your child and not for yourself. That's how it feels at first when you stop contacting a person, the longer it is, the less you ll stop thinking about him.

What's the situation between the child and the father? Is he being a father to him? Taking time to see him?

He hasn't seen him since last June. He wasn't there since my last trimester. He has never been a real "father" to him. He has seen him like maybe 4-5 times since he was born.

Yes, dear, you have GOT TO MOVE ON! Just keep that in mind!

Do not think you boyfriend's behavior has anything to do with you or how you are of value to God and to all.

Take care of your emotional life and live responsibly so your son will learn from your modeling. Seek help when you need, but know that God needs to strengthen you to get a good hold of your life for your own sake and your son's.

Teach your son about God as Father. He will not lack anything, or need to wait for men to be able to live a good and healthy life!

In Jesus Love,

Comovai.

This is a tough one. You have a constant reminder--your son.
I know what that is like, and honestly it does get better with time.

My ex husband hasn't seen our daughter for almost two years. I get no child support and not because I haven't tried.

You can choose to dwell on what could have been, OR you can choose to start healing and making plans for your and your son's future.

Your ex is doing you a favor. You just don't realize it right now. He hit you. Enough said. If he has that in him, it would only get worse. You DO NOT want to live like that, especially with your son watching his mom being abused. Also, he walked out on his child. Says a lot about his character.

It is unfortunate for your son, and you, but you be strong and take one day at a time, even seek out some counseling. I did. It helped me tremendously. I even took our daughter once she started having questions about her dad. She's a well adjusted, happy little girl right now, and I am a happy, yet busy, single mom.

Your date didn't go well because you are not ready, but there will be other dates. The suggestions Dragonfly made are great. It is very helpful to write down qualities, not personality traits, but qualities you would look for in a mate.

I know it seems like you will never have fun again because you are so busy. I can't say you will not always be so busy, but you will find a balance. Get help with babysitters and MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF.

I have a feeling that if you did that, even one lunch with friends or a night out, and had some real fun, things would start to look brighter.

Hang in there. Things will turn around for the better.

Thanks

Just out of curiosity, why do you want to be with a guy that hits you? Why do you want to be with guy that doesn't value his own child? What on earth could this person offer anyone?

Also, you might want to start a journal and as these emotions come up write them down because that can help you focus them and trace them back to the cause that makes you need to continue proving yourself for someone that isn't worth proving it to.

Also, your dad is a better man then me, because if some douche bag smacked my daughter in my house he'd have a hard time getting out. Even though your not in a perfect situation, your parents have gone above and beyond by letting you move back in. You should be grateful to have a support structure and use the one you do have, not search for one you don't.

Because he only hit me once and towards the beginning of our relationship he was a great guy and he was my first 'serious bf' as lame as that sounds. And I opened up fully to him and I don't feel like I could do that again w/ someone. And who really wants to go out with a girl with a kid who currently can't drive or has a job and who said 'and' way too much on this post lol

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

because he only hit me once and towards the beginning of our relationship he was a great guy '

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In one run on sentence you defend being hit and then call him a great guy.

Are you serious? Is this a joke? The guy that won't pay attention to his own child is a great guy? The guy that you trust used you as a punching bag is a great guy? I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life then to be disrespected like that.

This is quite the night at AMHD.com for abused women. There's another post around her about a girl who is being abused by a guy that tells her the women he's cheating on her with is going to be a great mother to their child and then you try and top her with the guy that hits me and doesn't want anything to do with our kid is a great guy.

NEWSFLASH. HE'S NOT!

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

and he was my first 'serious bf' as lame as that sounds.

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And it does sound lame. You know man used to travel by horseback and then the car was invented. Just because something was done first doesn't make it better.

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

And i opened up fully to him and i don't feel like i could do that again w/ someone.

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Seriously? Are you telling me that you feel like you couldn't open up to a guy that respects and likes kids and doesn't hit women. Furthermore, he didn't just hit you... as bad as that is, he did it in your parents home because he's a loser that can't support himself. To me, I'm just stunned by that. To me that's just amazing, that someone could offer this guy a place to stay and his response is to hit their daughter.

Help me out here Nicole. What is there to like about this guy. Not love, just like. There's nothing. Not one thing. Literally nothing.

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

And who really wants to go out with a girl with a kid who currently can't drive or has a job and who said 'and' way too much on this post lol

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Well, I've gone out with girls who had a kid. Granted they could drive and had cars. But are you actually basing you and your child future on this guy because you think no other guy will go out with you? Tal just said it in another thread. There is no amount of love in this world to put up with getting hit by a boy that won't be in his child's life. I'd rather be alone, then put up with that. The very fact that you want to punish yourself by being with this guy says you shouldn't be dating anyone. You have no confidence right now. You need to quit focusing on what you don't have, and start being grateful for what you do have. You need to bring you self esteem up so that guys don't use you and throw you away like this one did. You need to stand up for yourself when you are being mistreated. You need to completely change so you can move forward when the next guy does come along and have a stable mindset to deal with any issues that come. Having said that, I can't imagine he'd be as bad as this boy is.

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

because he only hit me once and towards the beginning of our relationship he was a great guy and he was my first 'serious bf' as lame as that sounds. And i opened up fully to him and i don't feel like i could do that again w/ someone. And who really wants to go out with a girl with a kid who currently can't drive or has a job and who said 'and' way too much on this post lol

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"He only hit me once" It wouldn't have been the last. That's a fact.

I used to think my ex was a great guy, too. He was my first love, too.
My mistake--I ignored red flags and married him.

Listen, you have the chance I didn't have. Instead of spending the best years of your life trying to make it work with this guy, you have a chance to find happiness on your own and then later with someone much, much better.

And don't think guys don't date girls with children. I have not found that to be the case. There are a lot of single dads out there, too. Real stand-up guys who pay child support and spend time with their kids.

You opened up fully to him. And what did he do? Hit you and now totally ignores you and your son. That's what you need to focus on. You will undoubtedly open up fully again to someone else. Healing needs to take place first. But it will happen

You have a new priority now and that is your child.You and your child are a pair now and that is all that should concern you.

You have to know this man has no interest.What kind of guy just up and deserts a woman and his child?

Is he the role model you want for your son?

He is enjoying his life and having fun and you are giving your love to a ghost from the past.

You can control your thoughts and when he comes to mind simply shout (in your head) NO,He is no good for me or my son.

Do this every time he pops in and soon you will find he does so less and less.

You need to be a fully functioning woman to be a good mother.

Pining over some guy who has no concern for you is a waste of time and effort and all you are succeeding in doing is making yourself miserable.

If you are miserable,your child will suffer as well.No matter how hard you try to be happy ,he will sense it and it will affect him negatively as well.

You DO have control and you need to stop cheating yourself and your child of the quality of life you both deserve.

This man hit you and believe me ,I know from experience,it would happen again.

You are lucky to be rid of him.Remind yourself of how you felt when he hurt you and not hold on to the fantasy that you wish could have been.

Enjoy your child,they are the greatest gift in the world and in doing so you will find the inner peace you need and deserve!

It only happened once because your parents didn't allow it to happen again, good for them! He would do it again, I've never heard of someone who told me "my boyfriend hit me, but he never has again" Take a look at statistics as well, they defend my point of view. Also, did you know that children growing up in a house where abuse is present are 3x more likely to abuse someone else? This great guy could not only screw up your life and your child's, but someone else's as well. It's a vicious pattern that doesn't stop. I suggest you do get some help dealing with this, you have a child to live for, so pick yourself up and start living your life for your kid if you won't do it for yourself.

Get your life in order, without him, and everything else will fall in place.

Luckily you are getting child support because some mothers don't. You only have one child you can make it. I have a friend that is a single mother of 3 and she does it all without the help of the child father. The sad part to her story is that he lives in her neighborhood. But she is strong cookie and I have to give her credit.

Is it sad when a guy turn his back on his child? Yes, but in end the so-called father losing out. You can force someone to be a dad let alone spend time with their child. A judge can't even enforce this. You just have to your child's everything and show him love and just be there. Kids have a way of remember the things you do with them over anything else.

In time you will meet a guy that will accept you and your son. If they can't then move on but never say never or this isn't possible. I will soon be getting married to a wonderful guy that accepts me and my daughter. He treats her like his own and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Stay strong and sometimes things are a blessings in disguise. Your son doesn't need a disappearing dad, or a seasonal dad this does more harm then good. You can be his mom and dad.

chuff- I didn't say he was a great guy for what he is doing now. I'm saying how he was at the beginning, like 2 1/2 years ago now, he was fine. I was saying if he would just go back to that then I think everything would be fine.

That's some wishful thinking.

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

chuff- I didn't say he was a great guy for what he is doing now. I'm saying how he was at the beginning, like 2 1/2 years ago now, he was fine. I was saying if he would just go back to that then I think everything would be fine.

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Two and half years ago when he didn't have any responsibilities and before your parents took his lazy a$$ in? You lied to yourself about who he was and what he was.

Please don't think you can out smart me when it comes to seeing the truth. Please don't think you are going to assume a victim mentality and make excuses for his behavior because you didn't know the real him. I know the difference between and man and a little p*ssy b!tch, and you boy is p*ssy if I've ever seen one.

He's a low life. He always was a low life. You just refused to see that side of him. You are surrounded by some great people. Your parents took you and the baby in when many would not. You have some good people to look up to, to be around, why do you choose to ignore that and want the one guy that won't even see his own child? He was always like this, you just refused to acknowledge it. Now you justify with stupid comments like "No guy wants to date a girl with a kid." Pure BS. I've dated girls with kids. My longest relationship ever involved a woman with a little girl. I went out with a girl about a year ago that had a son, and in fact our very first date was me taking both of them out to Chuck E Cheese. Guess what I never smacked her around either. I'd love to say I'm something special for that, I'm one of millions of guys that have dated girls with kids and not even thought twice about it.

There are no excuses with me for that behavior. You can try and paint him as something else, but we all see the truth. Join us because we all want you to be well and not suffer for this loser.

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Originally Posted by liz28

Get your life in order, without him, and everything else will fall in place.

Luckily you are getting child support because some mothers don't. You only have one child you can make it. I have a friend that is a single mother of 3 and she does it all without the help of the child father. The sad part to her story is that he lives in her neighborhood. But she is strong cookie and I have to give her credit.

Is it sad when a guy turn his back on his child? Yes, but in end the so-called father losing out. You can force someone to be a dad let alone spend time with their child. A judge can't even enforce this. You just have to your child's everything and show him love and just be there. Kids have a way of remember the things you do with them over anything else.

In time you will meet a guy that will accept you and your son. If they can't then move on but never say never or this isn't possible. I will soon be getting married to a wonderful guy that accepts me and my daughter. He treats her like his own and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Stay strong and sometimes things are a blessings in disguise. Your son doesn't need a disappearing dad, or a seasonal dad this does more harm then good. You can be his mom and dad.

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Had to spread rep. good answer and congrats on your upcoming wedding!

It is so true that hard times are blessings in disguise. This guy being out of her life is better than winning the lottery. She just doesn't see it.

It is also so true that a situation where a dad drops in and out of a child's life is much worse than a dad who is just gone. I know that from experience with my own child and in talking with a counselor.

When you said she can be his mom and dad... I smiled remembering last Father's Day where the class at my daughter's daycare made Father's Day gifts and she made one, too. Her teacher asked if she was going to give it to an uncle or a grandfather. She said, "I'm giving it to Mommy. She is my mommy and my daddy." Kids know.

25 days no contact w/ ex. We broke up 1-2 years ago depending on timeline. My ex refuses to talk to me and my one friend told me she texted him today. If she is telling me the truth, it is all small talk crap. I told her joking that I didn't want her talking to him and she said she texted him because she was bored. My ex won't talk to me, but he's talking to her? How can I make my friend go no contact w/ him as well lol.

You can't make her go no contact, because you can't control her actions or her feelings. You can (and should) ask her not mention the ex at all, and you should not be asking about your ex either. And if she really is a "mutual" friend (implying that she was friends with both of you) then you shouldn't want to control her interactions with the ex.

I think it's selfish to ask her to lose one friend just to pick you. If that's what you need, then you must still be blaming others and holding on to the past instead of accepting yourself and moving on.

~ Tee

She is a mutual friend. She was friends with him first, but she is a lot closer to me now.

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

She is a mutual friend. She was friends with him first, but she is a lot closer to me now.

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I have a feeling that you are holding on the her as a friend because you want to indirectly learn about your ex and try to figure things out. I totally understand your curiosity, too. However, even if you say that you don't want anything more with him, the fact that you want to know anything about him shows that you still have even just a slight bit of hope.

If he didn't take the time to communicate how he felt to you, then he isn't worth you waiting around on him. That's a problem that he has to deal with on his own, and it shouldn't matter to you since obviously it didn't matter enough to him to try and work on it.

Let him go and get on with your life. Let your friend talk to him if she wants, but don't ask about him and don't let her talk about him. Seriously.

~ Tee

I know, I know

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Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

i know, i know

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Then why did you post here, if you already knew? ;)

~ Tee

Oh don't you start lol

If she was friends with him first then it's not fair of you to ask her to stop being friends with him.

Just ask her to not mention him to you. It's obvious that you're still hurting some over this but you can't control your friend.

If she's a real friend, she'll respect your feelings.

This is why on the no contact rules and FAQ page I posted, I put "no mutual friends" It creates too much stress and drama and confusion.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

This is why on the no contact rules and FAQ page I posted, I put "no mutual friends" It creates too much stress and drama and confusion.

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And it is a hard road to tow, for sure. One of my BEST friends is dating my ex's room mate. No sweat off my back, however. Once you are past all the BS drama that comes with a break up, you don't care whatsoever about your ex, what she does, who she is with, etc. Even before I had moved on, my friend knew NOT to talk about the ex, and he was really good about that. Your intentions are obviously to keep your ex in your life by having this "mutual" friend around. If you can't handle it, then lose them both. It is what it is sir.

It would help if you stop getting into her business, especially since she was honest enough to tell you, and she knew him before you did. Your not being fair.

Lol if I told you how he was you would be thinking I am very fair lol

The longer you keep his friends in your life, the more confusion you're going to get. Go read my Rules and FAQ's on NC and then read my story from the beginning on why I put "no mutual friends" in the rulebook

But she is like 90% my friend and 10% his lol