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Personally, I'm a dumpee. It just drives me crazy that, of course, we seem to be the only ones here crying on this website. Is there anyone here who actually dumped their girlfriend and then after a period of no contact realized the grass wasn't any greener and tried to get back with them? It sucks feeling like us dumpees are sitting around here looking for help in cyberspace when are exes are out there probably having a grand old time. Is it true that the dumpers are usually fine for the first couple of months, living it up being free of the ball and chain and then later start to mourn the loss? Or do we just want to believe that for our own solace?

Hello.

IN the end the Dumpers are the losers in most cases. Sure they hurt and run, have some fun but that only can last a short time before the game is played out and the Dumper is alone and can only find other Dumpers to be with. When the Dumpee does get over being dumped they are stronger and smarter then before, they know what they want from life and now can go get it.

So Thank the Dumper for helping you become stronger and for helping you have a better life then they will in the long run. If you see that Dumper you can smile a big smile and think to yourself, It's You Loss sucker.

Dennis777

I know I won't make any friends with this post, but I've been the dumper in all but one case.

Honestly, when I decided it was time to break up with my girlfriends at the time, it came about in several different ways and for different reasons.

When I was younger, I just chose to ignore them and start shopping for their replacement. Usually it was because they had some issue or I found something unattractive about them and didn't have the desire to change it, nor should I have to, so call it incompatibility. I'd just make myself as emotionally distant as possible until they forced me to have the conversation, at which point my life became way easier. I made up my mind way earlier, and at that time had already stopped wanting/needing them, so it wasn't like my life got turned upside down.

As I got older I would make an attempt to communicate my problem with them, they almost never listened, or tried to convince me it was my fault that I had a problem with x y or z. At any rate, almost none of them were listening until after it was too late. Changing your tune after I've made up my mind is an exercise in futility.

Afterwards I could be civil with them, but I did totally resent them bringing up how much they'd changed and done x y and z to be a better person because mostly it was obvious to tell that it was just horse crap to try and get me back. People are hard wired to behave in certain ways, some of these things don't coincide with what I need for a relationship, and it's not their fault, but it's not really fixable either. Hope this helps, I got dumped too a few months back, so I know how it feels.

Why does the dumper want to remain friends? He would contact me twice a week for the first month after the breakup to see what was new, tell me what he was up to, blah blah blah. We talked like usual.. like old times. Finally, I just said listen, I can't be friends with you. Please don't contact me anymore to chit chat. Its been 2 weeks no contact and going strong. And I'm really starting to feel pretty good. I just wish he'd start to feel really awful and I wish I could be there to see it. : )

That's the problem. I never felt awful. I'd made up my mind and wasn't really fishing for a friendship, it just seemed like such a waste to throw away all that time for nothing. I do however realize that the other party needs time to get their head straightened out.

My advice to you is to stop worrying about doing things to make him feel bad and start doing what's going to make you feel better.

Ouch, forever zero... you never felt awful... See that's why I wish I was a guy sometimes, so I could just flick of my emotions like that. : ) You know what else I don't understand about you guys, don't tell me a week after we break up that you love me... but still want to be broken up. Aaghhh!

I've been both the dumpee and the dumper. The times when I was the dumper it was usually because I didn't like the way I was being treated or I just didn't have enough feelings for the person to waste my time or theirs. With the exception of twice I have never regretted my decision to dump someone. Even those that I regretted was short lived because I knew the things that made me dump them would not change. As with being the dumpee, yes it hurts but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care enough to want to be with me, especially when there is so many other fish in the sea. I personally think there are more men who regret breaking up but I think it's usually more about the sex than the feeling of actually loving someone. That would be why other than my husband, I learned a long time ago if a guy brakes up with me it's over for good… unless he's willing to go back to first base for a long while till I decide what it is he really wants from me.

Suelle

OUCH, that hurts, saying that Guys can flick on and off their emotions. I bet if you checked there are as many Guys that have been Dumped hard by Ladies as there are Ladies by Guys.

I know your hurting but don't lump Guys all in one mold or you will be missing out on the real Men that do treat a Lady like a Lady.

Dennis777

Dennis777 - I just meant when guys are the dumpers they tend to just flick their emotions off suddenly (atleast outwardly) and can act like nothing ever happened. Believe I know when guys are the dumpee they can get emotional... it just seems when girls are the dumper they tend to be a little more wishy-washy in their decision whereas guys can dump someone and a week later appear totally fine.

And when I've dumped guys in the past, I've felt really bad about and mourned the loss for weeks even though it was my decision and I knew it was coming. This is the first time I've been dumped (fortunately... and I'm 29 so I guess it was about time). And he seems like immediately wants to be friends and I just can't imagine being able to turn my emotions off like that... although I guess I realize now, maybe his emotions must have turned off a long time ago. The funny thing is we had a fight about a month before we broke up and he was begging me to not break up and then a month later he broke up with me. No big fight or anything. I guess after 3 1/2 years, we just ran our course.

I think it depends on why they decided to dump someone and if they ever really loved them.

I feel your pain suelle. I was dumped about 7 weeks ago and my ex said at first he wanted to be friends. Now we've had 6 weeks of no contact and he hasn't even attempted to call me. I guess he didn't want to be friends as bad as he thought

He wanted to be friends in case it didn't work out with his girl from work

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kt1205

I think it depends on why they decided to dump somone and if they ever really loved them.

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I agree kt I think my ex will realize that he made a mistake someday soon. And I know he loved me. We were together for 6 yrs.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mckenzie134

He wanted to be friends incase it didnt work out with his girl from work

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I know it seems that way mckenzie. But my ex does have a good heart and I think he hasn't contacted me because he feels guilty for hurting me.

My ex has dumped me 5-6 times. On 3 of the breakups I suffered for 2 months plus then she came back. She did say she cried and was miserable without me for the length of the time she was gone.

Your best bet in any situation is just to just get over it and move on. If they want to come back, they'll come back but there's nothing you can do to make that happen... there's only things you can do to make that NOT happen. The best revenge is living well! Its been almost 2 months since my break-up of a 3 year relationship and I'm actually starting to feel really good... like my old happy self. Holding onto false hope will only delay the healing process.

Hi - I just need someone to talk me down. I'm wanting to call my ex. Its been almost 2 months since we broke up and 2 weeks since we last talked. He came over 2 weeks ago to pick up his stuff and I told him to please stop calling me because I didn't want to be "friends". Its been 2 weeks now and I was actually starting to feel really good. Now, its like all of a sudden I want to call him to tell him how good I'm doing (which I know means I'm not really doing that good). Aaaghh! I just need someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing by not talking to him and by telling him not to call me. We were together for 3 1/2 years and lived together for 2 of those, so this has just been the longest time we've ever gone without talking and its starting to hit me.

Please don't call. I called my ex 2 months after she dumped me. I went rite back to square one. After I called I felt worse.

Hello,

So, does he still try to contact you? What happened to cause a break? Was it mutual, good terms or bad terms?

If this guy needed space then you need to give it to him. Obviously you care about him still because you want to talk to him. But to call him to say you're doing good is borderline gloating when you don't know if you really are good yet.

Best bet IS to leave him alone, don't check up on him, don't worry if this guy is seeing anyone else. Go do your own thing for a while and make yourself happy, even if you have to date other people.

There was a break up for a reason, you have no reason to talk to him, and even if he contacts you, ignore him to keep him guessing.

Kevin

Yes, we broke up cause he felt he needed to "grow up" and have space and couldn't commit his life to one person (he's 25, I'm 29). After the breakup, he called me about 2wice a week to chitchat, blah blah... he still wanted us to see each other once in a while and hang out. But after 6 weeks, I said I can't do this. I've been casually dating other people and I'm pretty sure he's been seeing other girls. So the last thing, I want to do is be their emotionally for him while he's getting physical with other people. I know I can't call him cause it'll just make things worse. It just sucks. I really just miss the friendship, you know?

Oh yeah, and he just kept saying he just wishes we could have met 5 years from now. I guess timing really is everything, huh?

Just give him some space, ignore him. It'll all work out... trust me.

I know. It just all of sudden hit me on the 2 week mark. I was doing great... then suddenly, I'm sad again and thinking about him. I guess just need to take it one day at a time.

Funny because I am 29 and my last ex was 25. He was really immature, so I found out after the relationship ended. Anyway, an idea that might help you to stop yourself from calling. Tell yourself he is?. and that ? Is whatever you want it to be. Say you would not call him if he is on drugs or hanging out at strip clubs or paying for prostitutes. If you can convince yourself he is doing these things, it may help you to not call him.
Also, something else that might help you is watching the movie swingers. I watched it every night I was having a hard time sticking to NC. Powerful message in that movie.
And as always, you have your friends here to help you get through this.

Suelle, Keep it up I don't have any great advice except every single one of us that are trying to do No Contact are stuck. We have been going around in circles and feeling like crap. We have to beat the addiction that we have with our EX. If we can make it to the other side of the addiction, we open up to ALL of the possibilities out there. So if you want your EX back or not No Contact has to happen until you feel normal again. At that point you can analyze the situation logically and clearly. I hope that I can listen to my own advise!

That was exactly my problem. After we broke up, I just started imagining in my head all this fun he's having and how he's probably already in love with someonelse... blah blah. As if suddenly, his life became so great. Now I'm just trying to imagine that he's doing the same ol' thing, hanging around with his loser friends, sitting at home watching baseball, and completely miserable. Even if its not true, thinking that rather than thinking that he's out there hooking up with a bunch of girls and loving life helps.

You're absolutely right. It takes time. You have ups and downs.

And yes, sometimes the timing is just bad. I "lost" a love, a woman I think I could have married given time, to "bad timing"... we just were going different directions with our careers... bad timing. Or good. I later met, dated, and wed my betrothed.

By the way, I was 28 and she (the ex) was 23, 2.5 year relationship. She said if wed met 10 years later itd be a no-brainer, that wed be together. Bzzzzzz. Oops. Life moves on.

So... glad to know you know what you need to do. Glad to see you recognize when you are having down moments.

And don't give up on all younger guys. My wife married me after all (im a "younger man" by a few years)... she likes to joke she married a younger guy so she wouldn't be the last one living. I still don't see that as funny. Well, sort of. Her friends told her she liked "puppies"...

Anyway, hang in there. It sucks. Until it doesn't so much.

Its always better to think that he is living the loser life and you go out and live the high life.

There is no reason for you to force yourself to sit in a darkened room all alone. Its easy to sit home its hard to get out there. After my last break up I was devastated. It was so hard to get that guy out of my system and move on. My friends just pretty much forced me out of my house. At the same time my friend was going through a really bad breakup too and we would just call each other instead of calling the guy. It really helped.

Going no contact is going to help you a lot. Believe me.

Read these posts by other members they are really helpful:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-123862.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ghlight=ash123

Whether he is happy or not is immaterial, the point is you have held off this long, so don't blow it now. You're having a weak moment. It will pass.

YouTube - The Pussycat Dolls - I Don't Need A Man: Closed Captioned

How about listen to this for a little bit?;)

U can dance with it if you'd like to.:)

I understand the feelings of loss, but to come here and talk, and not make the mistake of contacting the ex, is a very good sign that you are on the right path, and are serious about your healing. Knowing what to do is one thing, and doing it is another, so you got it right on both points.

Thanks everyone! I'm over wanting to call him.. for now. Thank god I have this websit to vent or I don't know what'd I do. Sometimes u just need to get it of you to complete strangers u know?

So, some of you may remember my situation from other posts. My boyfriend and I broke up in the beginning of July. He was 25, me 29. We'd been together for 3 1/2 years. We broke up because "he needed to get his life together..felt like if we stayed together any longer we'd have to get married and wasn't ready because he needed to grow up" (those are his words). Anyway, he called once a week afterwards for about a month. Then I finally said, stop this. I don't want to be friends, don't call me. We went NC for 18 days until he called last weekend to chit-chat. So then he starts texting me all last weekend, telling me he still loves me.. blah blah blah... I'll always be his girlfriend blah blah. But nothing about getting back together. He asked to come over on Monday to see me and I said no I was busy and I don't want to be your booty call. He texts me and says, "I know your not a booty call. I just want to see you."

Then, I didn't hear from him for a couple of days.. so stupid me texts him to say, " I'm sorry if I offended you and jumped to conclusions about your intent".

He texts me back today and says "No need to be sorry. I understand. You can do no wrong in my eyes. We do still need to talk, I have a lot to say. I still love you, I"m just confused." He gives no details on when he wants to actually talk.

Is he just trying to keep me dangling on a string? Aagh. The funny part is, I just met someone who I could really like. I mean its early so who knows where it'll go. It just drives me crazy how exes must have this sixth sense where they know when you've just about moved on and met someone new and then decide to reappear in your lives.

Move on to someone else if there is another one in the picture. This guy doesn't know what he wants, so don't keep the door revolving. At you guy's age, and after that amount of time, you know if you're ready for the next step. He wasn't, so good riddance to him. Move on.

Yes it seems to me that he is stringing you along. What is it exactly that he needed to sort out in his life? Sounds like he is being immature to me.

The problem is though that you are tolerating this behaviour. Your being his little puppy dog. He broke up with you yet you hang around and go running to him at his beck and call. Every time he calls or messages you answer. Why?

Do you have your own life or do you just sit around waiting for him to grow up?

If I were you id put an end to it now. He has to either sort it out and sort it out now, or you should completely end it with him. Break all contact with him. Wipe him from your life and move on.

If he loves you so much why isn't he with you? Doesn't make much sense to me? Does it to you?

Follow your heart. If moving on is what you decide to do then so be it. But if giving the one you love a second chance is what you choose then go for it whole heartedly. There are risks to either choice. And with both can be regret. But if you truly want to reconcile and don't because of pride or fear then the regret of not trying could follow you forever.

Skell - I know you're right. Sometimes you just got to hear it from someonelse to know you're making the right decision. I'm back on NC which will now include complete NC, meaning I don't answer or respond to his calls. I mean if he was so serious, he knows where I live (even though I'm 40 miles away), he could make the trip and show up at my door... that's the only way I would take anything he has to say seriously.

I'm definitely not just sitting around waiting for him... I've been dating other guys, just haven't found the same connection yet. I know it'll take time but I'm committed to it. Some days are just harder than others.

Just as a thought... Why not change your number?

I don't want to change my # cause then I'd have to deal with giving everyone I know (lot of people) my new #. I think it'll just be easier to not answer... and more satisfying.