:confused: Okay, so what is abusive? I mean on the Hallmark channel they always show it as like the guy or girl totally freaking out and smacking the other person. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. He has been a complete gentlemen until the past month. Yeah we had our jealousy issues, who doesn't... but now it seems different. A week or two ago (for simplicity ill call him drew) Drew was being immature and wanted some dumb plastic thing from one of our guy friends. I asked him to stop pulling it away and he spazzed and rung my hand behind my back in front of all of our friends. I was hurt and shocked! He later told me he thought I was siding with my guy friend. He had been jealous.
Also, he has always liked to hold my hand or wrapped his arm around my back. I have always been OK with it but now he does it more out of possession I feel. Like he was talking to his friend and we were walking down the hallway in school and a guy I used to like walked by. He abruptly ended the conversation. With his friend and tugged me closer.
He will tickle me and ill ask him to please stop and he'll tickle harder. He constantly will go up to any guy friend of ours that happens to be talking to me and will pretend to like slit his throat and than put his arm around me and laugh it off.
I just don't understand he tells me he is afraid of losing me so he pulls me closer and doesn't listen when I ask him to stop. He tells me he loves me and he has never hurt me physically except for the arm thing... that is why I feel maybe I am over-reacting but I would like a second opinion. Thanks!

If you personally feel that kind of behaviour is abusive and that you do not like it then let him know you do not agree with it and that you personally do not like that kind of thing.

As far as tickling and not wanting to be tickled but he is tickling you more. Lots of couples engage in this kind of behaviour. As far as the tickling yes over reacting.

As far as the other thing, the hand behind your head. No not good. There needs to be bounderies. That would be considered abuse in my mind just for that incident.

Pretty much you're overreacting. When he tells you you're not allowed to talk to so and so because he used to like you or you liked him or whatever, he's being controlling and possesive. He's being territorial, not possesive. Doesn't sound like he's being out of control in any way to me. The tickling thing is him teasing you, only. The arm thing I don't know, but if I wanted to hurt my GF, it wouldn't be by twisting her arm in front of people.

There is physical abuse - most people recognize that. There is verbal abuse - name calling, belittling, using sarcasm at your expense, making jokes at your expense, the put downs, talking to you like you were stupid, not giving you credit for what you can do, etc. There is emotional abuse, that ties in with the verbal abuse - things the person does to lower yourself esteem, make you feel devalued or worthless, make you feel like they are doing you the hugest favor by even being your partner kinds of things.

You asked about tickling - yes, tickling is a form of physical abuse when it crosses the line that is acceptable to you. When you holler stop and he keeps going, he is doing that for his own purpose and not respecting you. Tickling has also been used as a form of torture in some places under some conditions. Think about that - tickling can be enjoyable but it can also be misery. A fine line that your boyfriend needs to accept and respect about you.

Taking your hand and wringing it behind your back is just a precursor of behavior to come if he does not get his own jealousy issues in control. Because you will never know when it is coming and from what direction. You could be talking to a class mate and "boom", there your boyfriend is, freaking out over nothing.

People who become physically abusive always say that this was the first time, they will never do it again, they love you, please forgive them, give them one more chance, they cannot live with you, and so on. Trust me, your intuition about this guy is right on. I do not trust him just what you described. You are not overreacting as far as I can see. You are genuinely concerned that this can happen again.

You are a person, not a possession. You are not a commodity or a thing, but a person who deserves to be respected and treated with dignity and honor. Anyone who would be your boyfriend would know that and show you just how special you are to him. He would treasure the relationship and not engage in behavior that would destroy it.

I truly wish the very best for you. I feel you have a huge decision to make and you need to safeguard yourself. Take care.

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Originally Posted by ForeverZero

Pretty much you're overreacting. When he tells you you're not allowed to talk to so and so because he used to like you or you liked him or whatever, he's being controlling and possesive. He's being territorial, not possesive. Doesn't sound like he's being out of control in any way to me. The tickling thing is him teasing you, only. The arm thing i don't know, but if i wanted to hurt my GF, it wouldn't be by twisting her arm in front of people.

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But is the ticklein' still teasin after I ask him more than once to knock it off?

My wife does that to me, I do that to her. We do that with each other. I do not know what else to say. I personally feel the tickling thing is an over reaction, but like I said if you think it is bothersome so much that you think it is abuse then that is your feeling and your thought and if it is so bad then maybe you need to leave.

Joe

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Originally Posted by FreeFallinBabe

But is the ticklein' still teasin after i ask him more than once to knock it off?

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Personally, when my girlfriend asks me to stop doing something that I consider innocent like tickling. You know that's my cue to do it more than ever. Maybe I'm a bad boyfriend, but I like doing stuff like that, and I sort of expect it in return. If he's violently tickling you to the point that you have bruises, I'd say that's a little far. If you're seriously and legitimately bothered by it, you need to have a serious conversation about it. If you tell him to stop while he's doing it, if he thinks like me, you're just egging him on. It's tickling. Tickle him back. I'm very bad at taking my own medicine.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

My wife does that to me, I do that to her. We do that with each other. I do not know what else to say. I personally feel the tickling thing is an over reaction, but like I said if you think it is bothersome so much that you think it is abuse then that is your feeling and your thought and if it is so bad then maybe you need to leave.

Joe

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Yeah nvm... I probably just over react w.e. thanks though

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Originally Posted by FreeFallinBabe

he tells me he is afraid of losing me so he pulls me closer and doesnt listen when i ask him to stop.

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He's insecure at best, a potential abuser and control freak at worst. Trust your intuition and put some emotional distance between you and him. If he freaks out and gets more jealous and possessive and threatening, there's your answer.

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Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

He's insecure at best, a potential abuser and control freak at worst. Trust your intuition and put some emotional distance between you and him. If he freaks out and gets more jealous and possessive and threatening, there's your answer.

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Thanks that is more or less what I wanted to hear

I loved SHYGRNEYZS' answer above. I was about to say the same thing!
In my case it was from personal experience. People in general are quick to dismiss an innocent sounding behavior like tickling but whatever the behavior, if it's going against your wishes and you ask them to stop and they still do it, it's a form of abuse. I ignored those "innocent" little signs that were early in my relationship and married my jealous guy... only to have his behaviors become more and more aggressive over the years. To the point he became emotionally and verbally abusive on a daily basis. His rages got close to physically harming me as well. By the time you realize that all this is too much and wrong, years have passed and you now believe all the emotional and verbal lies he's told you... making it so difficult to leave because you have no self confidence at all. I've been happily divorced 5yrs and now realize that they were all lies and that I can be and am now happy on my own. And if I can help someone see that trend BEFORE they get too entangled, then I will tell the world about what I went through. And hopefully save someone the emotional and physical pain involved in an abusive relationship. If you're questioning the behavior, it's your instincts yelling at you to listen! Be careful and be good to yourself. Every person, man or woman, deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. I wish you all the best.

I personally would have been pissed if a guy had overpowered me out of jealousy. The way you explain it sounds kind of scary- like he wasn't thinking the situation through. On top of the throat cutting gestures and always being possessive about you, as harmless as he may see them, it is obvious you have some concern and may feel uncomfortable about it. That is when he oversteps, whenever you feel uncomfortable. If you feel like you can bring this to his attention and be straight up that you don't like it, that it is a turn off, and you want him to try and chill out... well hopefully he will listen and not take it too offensively.

As for the tickling, I wouldn't go so far as to say its abuse, but it sounds like he doesn't understand when to stop. I hate that too cause it just gets annoying- not ticklish. You need to stand up to him and let him know that after you say no, and are not laughing, then he just needs to stop cause its not funny anymore. Sometimes people just don't get the clue that enough is enough, and they need to be told in a more stern way...

Hopefully you can talk to your boyfriend more and bring these issues to his attention. Also maybe you can tell him other ways in which he can show his affection without being so aggressive. I can't think of any good ideas, but I am thinking there should be ways to direct his possessiveness into more positive gentle ways other than holding your arm behind your back etc.

Best wishes.

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Originally Posted by s2tp

Hopefully you can talk to your bf more and bring these issues to his attention. Also maybe you can tell him other ways in which he can show his affection without being so aggressive. I can't think of any good ideas, but I am thinking there should be ways to direct his possessiveness into more positive gentle ways other than holding your arm behind your back etc.

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Yes, I should tell him other ways in which he can show his affection. I HAVE however talked to him already about the holding me constantly and he said he understood... didnt agree with it but understood. He doesn't get why people feel uncomfortable if he is all over me in public. But the next day he was right back to holding me... if not more. And yes I brought it up again and asked him to stop. But I guess it just comes down to me deciding what I want.

What some people in the tickling issue most likely comes from their own experiences or knowledge. Most of us would never consider tickling someone beyond a fun or teasing point and when you hear the words "enough" or "stop" - you stop. That happens in a normal exchange between two people. Most of us would not consider tickling as anything harmful. But you need to gain some insight here as to the factors behiind what this guy is doing when he is tickling beyond the boundaries. Here are some sites that might help you understand.

http://www.faqfarm.com/Q/Is_excessive_tickling_abuse

Abusive Tickling (you have to scroll down to see the question and answer)

It is about respecting boundaries - if the boyfriend cannot respect her boundaries, his behavior can be categorized as abusive. He is violating her right of choice, as she says stop and he keeps going. I have seen far too much of this kind of behavior brought up by women in counseling sessions and I can say that tickling, while fun for the most part, can be a dangerous weapon in the hands of someone who has possessive and jeakous tendencies.

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Originally Posted by FreeFallinBabe

But the next day he was right back to holding me...if not more. And yes i brought it up again and asked him to stop. But i guess it just comes down to me deciding what i want.

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He may have said he understands, but obviously, he doesn't. I don't like the sound of it at all. Listen to march357. Nip it in the bud. I hope what you want is respect, and he's not giving you that. He's treating you like a possession, not a person.

I would consider someone who isn't listening/modifying his behavior when he himself clearly promises he will who also exhibits tiny, little, innocent looking seeds of controlling/intimidating/abusing the kind of thing that would make me wonder if this is the tip of the iceberg and where does it all go? Not good. I would advise that you press him harder about stopping what you have asked him to stop. If he doesn't, that's you cue how over the line he is and you need to take protective measures for yourself even at the expense of your relationship.

Tickling like you describe would be pretty innocent from anyone else but from him its somewhat suspect -- his stuff collectively isn't funny. There is no way to know if he'll escalate into something dangerous but all the dangerous stuff starts exactly like this -- testing the waters in small ways and pushing the line further and further in small increments hoping you won't object or notice he is ignoring your objections. Add manipulative to the list too.

There is aggressive and there is overly aggressive that comes with sad consequences. Think clearly here FreeFallin.

A lot of good advice here.

In the end, abuse is simply a matter of one partner regularly doing something to the other that they know (or should have known... ignorance really is no excuse on some things) the other doesn't like.

The tickling I could go either way on. It's way too hard to judge whether that's over the line or not without being there. On the one hand, tickling is usually a playful thing that, by its very nature, escalates into the ultimate in silliness. On the other, if you've told him that it makes you uncomfortable, and that you really did mean to stop when you said it, then it falls under the definition of abuse above... it's not a beating, but it still reminds you that what you want means nothing to him, and nothing you say or do will stop him from doing it.

The rest of the stuff... the possessiveness, the 'fake' threats, the whole promise-to-change-and-then-don't are all textbook precursors to full on abuse. The hand thing... well, that's abuse. Even if he didn't mean to hurt you (and it's possible... believe me on that), he did, and somewhere in his mind he wanted to do so in order to prove a point to you. See, that's the thing about jealousy... it's never about the other guys, or the time you spend with someone else, it's all about you. Any jealous action is about proving his worth to you or scaring you into not going against his wishes. It's just that simple.

Abuse starts with "little things" like twisting your arm ,the next time will probably be something far more serious.. I say run and don't look back..

I must agree with others who have said that the small things that are bothering you now will escalate to being very dangerous, as abusers get worse before they can get better. It really sounds as if you are at the beginning of an abusive relationship and need to nip it in the bud, or just leave this guy alone. Ain't that much love in the world to justify taking abuse from any one. In your protection of your self their is no overreactions.

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Originally Posted by Nosnosna

The rest of the stuff... the possessiveness, the 'fake' threats, the whole promise-to-change-and-then-don't are all textbook precursors to full on abuse. The hand thing... well, that's abuse. Even if he didn't mean to hurt you (and it's possible... believe me on that), he did, and somewhere in his mind he wanted to do so in order to prove a point to you. See, that's the thing about jealousy... it's never about the other guys, or the time you spend with someone else, it's all about you. Any jealous action is about proving his worth to you or scaring you into not going against his wishes. It's just that simple.

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Thank you for all the help guys n gals! I shall keep you updated on what happens. I think I might understand now :D adios