After 22 months of dating, my boyfriend CP has sprung the "we need a break" card on me. We have been dating since senior year of high school (so both turning 20 this year) and currently he's working and I'm going to school. This isn't the first time he's mentioned a break so it wasn't really surprising, but the last time he mentioned it he came back in half an hour asking me to take him back. So far it's Day 2 (as in about 48 hours) since he made the decision and I have no idea how to handle this.

PRE-BREAK:

The break I guess was inevitable because of external circumstances...

1. 2 Dogs dying early in the year (14 and 16 years old, he grew up with them)
2. His best friend and "brother" K deciding to run off and join the army (been friends since they were little)
3. Parents currently getting a divorce
   

... and the negative effects of these events that left him feeling abandoned and afraid of close relationships. The "last straw" I guess was me asking him to give up one day with K for me when he came back the other day on leave and surprised CP. Maybe it was a selfish request since K will be shipping out to Afghanistan soon, but I thought that not having seen each other since the week before might make him want to spend time with me as well as K (which I saw nothing wrong with the 3 of us doing something but apparently that wasn't a valid suggestion since K and I don't "know eachother". In 22 months I've maybe seen him 7 times because of him being a colossal flirt/pick-up artist/whore who'd bragged to my boyfriend that he could probably get me to cheat on him... nice friend, huh?)

And don't get me wrong, I was extremely happy about K coming back because CP had been really depressed since he left but at the same time K is kind of a jerk... CP will drop everything for him and goes out of his way to try and make good lasting memories but K totally disregards his intentions... For instance, before K left CP planned a guy camping trip/going-away thing for K with two other friends anddddd K ends up bringing the chick he was banging at the time, even though I wasn't even allowed to go help set up camp because of it being a "guy thing" and all.

Anyway, after I found out that they would be inseparable, CP's other best friend M sent me a message asking me if we were doing okay and I told him the truth. I told him that lately and maybe since K had left in January that I've felt like CP has been taking me for granted, not seeing me as much, and not treating me as well as he used to. I've been chalking it up to him working and my school schedule (I have morning and night classes) and us simply not being able to see each other but once a week because of conflicting schedules.. but M encouraged me to tell CP how I was feeling. He said "I know he [CP] cares about you more than anything, he just needs to show it more" and "If you told him then I'm sure he'd understand."...so I did tell him.

THE BREAK:

I am NOT a confrontational person and I SUCK at speaking my mind but I took M's word for it and contacted my boyfriend (by fb because his phone was stolen at work earlier that day) to tell him how I was feeling. I told him I was depressed and disappointed that he hadn't noticed and that I thought he had started working on appreciating me more but K coming back and him not having "time" for me made me feel like he was taking me for granted more than ever. And his solution? "Let's take a break... for a week... I can't handle it right now and I'm a **** for taking you for treating you that way. I need to be strong and stay away from you... And I need space to appreciate what I have"
... and then, he stopped talking.

POST-BREAK (first 24 hours):
I. was. devastated. I cried non-stop from when it happened at 7pm until I cried myself to sleep at midnight and cried some more when I woke up at 5am. I couldn't eat and was in so much pain I felt it in my fingertips. Not to mention I'd cried so much it hurt to close my eyes and I had a massive spinning headache... Two of his friends sent me messages out of concern with advice and offers of being there if I needed someone to talk to (M was one of them, the other was G who'd had similar problems in his current 13 month relationship).

I listened to their advice and followed some, asked them to check up on him and tell me how he was doing. Both of them told me that they were completely positive that he'd come back to me, that they knew how special I was to him and to not let it "kill me" although I should probably give him a little space to let it all set in.
Then I did what any desperate dumpee would do and scrounged the internet looking for answers. I stumbled upon NC and decided to give it a try. I lasted 26 hours and decided to send him a message trying to figure out what the rules of contact might be.

Ummmmmm then I guess I'll add more info if someone responds since this is really long...

How long is this break supposed to last?

I loved the part, "I'm a **** for treating you that way. I need to be strong and stay away from you."

Couples who love each other work together to find healing. How is he not going to feel "abandoned and afraid of close relationships" if you aren't in his life?

You couldn't give the guy a week that he asked for. Maybe you over reacted, but honestly, I will wait for more details. He sounds like a young guy trying to decide what direction he wants to head in, which is complicated by events in his life, and needs some time to think. So far any way.

That was basically a paraphrase, I kind of rearranged it... I think when he said "i need to be strong and stay away" he was referencing the first time he asked for a break, when he asked me to take him back after half an hour because he felt sick not having me. I think right now he's just trying to clear his mind and think about the situation logically. He feels like he can't change if he knows he still has me. I am trying to get him to work on some things with me, like I think us reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus might help a bit..
But I definitely agree that we should be working on it together because he's not going to overcome the feeling of being abandoned and alone... well... alone. I think I'll give him his week or until K leaves Tuesday to do it his way then try mine..

Where I left off last:
I gave myself 26 hours of no contact before I stupidly followed someone's advice to ask about the rules of this break like:
"ask him how long? set an actual date where the break ends
ask him if seeing other people is okay or not (just make sure it doesn't sound like you want to)
ask how much, if any, contact will be made by either of you."
which I realized the answers to after I had tried to contact him. I had been too busy worrying about the break when he'd proposed it that I'd overlooked what he said about basically all those points although I only asked about the contact thing. Admittedly I may have used it as a weak excuse to talk to him and I feel like I just went back to square one.. His response was "I'm not sure how long. We are broken up right now and I need to let it sit in my stomach" "I thought it was just a break but okay." "For now this is what it is until I can find myself and what I want in the world."
@Talaniman: you're right about his conflicting ideas about what direction he wants to head in. He feels like everyone around him is growing and maturing and that he's been left behind not knowing who he is or what to do. I know he wants to be a police man which I think would encourage him to grow but he doesn't see that as the person he'll be (if that makes sense). He doesn't want his job to be his identity

After I broke the NC I told him I was going back and I'd talk to him in a couple days or he could just decide when to talk to me next.
I'm thinking that maybe I'll not say anything until mid next-week because he had said we'd try the break for a week or I'll wait until the weekend..

At the same time, I don't want to sit idly by and do nothing because I feel like he's struggling and I would love nothing better than to help him even though I know he would refuse it..

Is there anything else I can do?

I hope I'm not being just a fountain of self-pity >_<

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Originally Posted by KeyNozomi

I hope I'm not being just a fountain of self-pity >_<

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Nope! You were thrown a curve ball and seem to be handling it the way most women would.

I can't imagine how he thinks your absence from his life is going to improve his chances of finding healing and solutions. All of the things you mentioned he's struggling with need time, not the absence of yet another loved one.

I only have suppositions on why he would think that. I know that he is extremely independent and likes doing things himself, he hates exposing weakness (one time we were driving to go see a movie and he was talking about how much he missed Spanky--his 16 year old Norwegian Elkhound-- and how he felt like he was losing everything important to him/from his childhood and when I reached for his hand to comfort him he just kind of jerked his hand away and mumbled that he was driving and later told me that it would have made him feel worse). He feels like he can only do things on his own, or that if he relies on someone else that they might ultimately let him down.
I've been trying to work on this since we got together but with everything that's happened this year he's just kind of pulled back.

Do you know any way I might be able to convince him that I can help too?

it would have made him feel worse). He feels like he can only do things on his own

You're bumping up against the same problem women have trying to get their men into counseling. It's that stubborn male thing, "I can do it myself." It's like a two-year-old trying so hard to be independent and not rely on anyone.

That's how the West was won, but it doesn't work with emotions. Too often I've read in historical novels how the husbands refused to allow their wives to mourn stillborn babies or their young children dying. "They're dead, and there's nothing you can do about it, so forget about them." Of course, the husband buries all the suffering in his heart and won't deal with it, but it eats away at him. Now you understand why women live longer?

if he relies on someone else that they might ultimately let him down

And what if that person doesn't?

What to do? I guess give him the space he wants and don't contact him. Talk to us instead. :)

I don't think you can help him, except to support him from afar. He is in a grieving, as he has had many losses, and changes to his life that makes him very scared basically, and you must give him space to adjust on his own, and not force help he doesn't want or, understands, nor add to his issues with your own problems. He knows this is his issue to deal with, and whatever happens, you have to let him.

I think he will come out of his funk, but in the meantime back off, and do your own thing for you. This helps you cope better, so you can be a positive person should he decide to reach out to someone later. He needs time, and you have to give it to him. Not an easy thing when a loved one is hurt, and suffering, but very necessary.

I'll keep you posted if anything happens. In the meantime I am trying to stay positive. I haven't talked to him directly since last night but he did like one of my statuses on fb. I'm trying to keep busy by reading a book I ordered last week(Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) and trying to improve my piano skills.

I am also thinking about hanging out with one my gal friends. I don't have a lot of friends because I'm more of an introverted person whereas CP who is extremely sociable/extroverted has A lot. One of the issues we've had in our relationship is me getting upset because he makes his friends a priority over me which I guess he misunderstands as me being mad at him for hanging out with friends and that makes him feel guilty and then he hides it from and yea... miscommunication is an issue I want to work on.

I'm also going to try and make more friends so when he's hanging out with friends I can hang out with mine.
Anyway, thank you for the help so far

Ugh... update
I keep checking his Facebook to see what he's up to and just saw him comment on some girl's photo of her costume for a-kon... All he said was something like "nice, I remember that character" but it still hurt me because I think the girl is a lot prettier than me.. I don't know if he's doing it to do it or if he's doing it to dissuade me from checking it.. but still.
It makes me want to break NC... What do I do?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KeyNozomi

It makes me want to break NC...What do I do?

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No! No! NO!! Don't break NC!! I will cry!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KeyNozomi

I'm trying to keep busy by reading a book I ordered last week(Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) and trying to improve my piano skills.

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That book is terrific with some great ideas, but remember while you are reading it that John Gray got his advanced degree through a correspondence school. :D Oprah used to love him, but they had a falling out and she switched over to Dr. Phil. Gray does explain things real well in that book and really found his niche.

Do you play Chopin etudes? I HATED Chopin etudes. Evil finger exercises.

Haha I'm afraid I'm just a beginner and a rusty beginner I might add. Some of the one's I've been practicing are Alfred's (Adult Piano for Beginners) Dream Echoes, Sadness and Sorrow, and the chorus of Fly me to the Moon

What do I do when I feel like breaking contact? The feeling is coming back again...

Turn off the computer!! Go for a walk! Read a book! Play "Fur Elise" on the piano!! Take a bubble bath! Bake brownies!!

I'll try that... Going to attempt to stay off Facebook until tomorrow night or Tuesday when I know that K has left. Wish me luck...

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Originally Posted by KeyNozomi

I'll try that...Going to attempt to stay off facebook until tomorrow night or Tuesday when I know that K has left. wish me luck...

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No luck. Just stay off FB. But be sure to visit us here. :) I have to make a pan of roasted vegetables, but otherwise will be here.

I kind of want to give him some ground rules/show some backbone that this isn't just his break to do whatever. Would that be okay?
Was thinking of asking one of his friends to "Tell CP to contact me Wednesday and that he needs to have an answer to me by Friday (he referenced a week-long break). I accept his needing time but I want him to actually think and try to change because right now it seems like he's putting it off because K is here and keeps finding distractions. Plus, I think we'd be much better off working it out together. I love him but he needs to give a little and try my way as well."
Do you think I should do this or just let it be?
He sent me a message responding to a question I had last night but I ignored it..

I kind of want to give him some ground rules/show some backbone that this isn't just his break to do whatever. Would that be okay?

No. NC.

Was thinking of asking one of his friends

No. That's contact. NC.

Do you think I should do this or just let it be?

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it beeeeeeeeeeeeee...

He sent me a message responding to a question I had last night but I ignored it..

Good girl. He's asked for time and space. Give it to him.