Girlfriend of 5 Years Wants to Get Married, But I Constantly Find Her Texting Men?
To make a very long story, somewhat shorter. I am dating a girl. I'm 34, she's 28. She's very attractive, outgoing and what some may call "flirty".
When I met her five years ago, she was dating someone else. They were off an on, when we started dating casually. After a few months we started dating each other exclusively. Or, so I thought. Turned out she was still seeing him after that. When I confronted her about it, she claimed we never had an offficial talk abut only dating each other. She told me she only wanted to date me and she was only still seeing her x because she thought I was dating around as well. I was not. So we worked through it and started dating exclusively.
Two years passed and things were great. We had minor arguments but nothing major. We moved in together. We talked about getting married. I bought a ring to get engaged.
Then about a year passed and because of increasing fights I didn't ask her to marry me. She became bitter she wasn't engaged. She gave me a deadline to get engaged, I didn't meet it because I started to not trust her. Things became a disaster. We fought all the time. She went out with her friends and came home at late hours. One night I checked her phone and found that she was texting one of her x's asking him to meet up. I also saw texts to boyfriends she dated years ago, asking if they wanted to meet up for drinks. When I confronted her, she claimed they texted her and she was just responding, but never met them. I knew she was lying, but I couldn't prove it nor could I prove that she was out meeting up with other guys.
One night, I caught her hiding her phone whenever I would come around. So when she put it down I checked it. I found text messages to her married boss at 1am. When I confronted her about this, she admitted that texting him was probably inappropriate but that nothing sexual was going on. Again, I couldn't prove she was actually cheating, just texting her married boss.
A month later, she told me she needed time on her own and moved out. She claimed that things had been going downhill for a year. She was right, they were. I was willing to try and work things out. She was not. We broke up.
After our break up, she would text me on and off telling me she missed me and asking me to meet up with her. I did a few times, each time she would say she missed me but didn't want to be in a relationship with me again. This happened on and off for six months. She has admitted she dated other guys during this time but hasn't gone into specifics. I didn't date anyone else. I told her this.
We didn't speak for a few months, then one night I ran into her and we spent the night together. We started dating casually again. After months of off and on dating, we talked and agreed we wanted to get back together and be exclusive again. She said she needed the break up to realize how much I meant to her and that she knew now I was the person she wanted to marry. I decided to put the past behind us and all that has happened and move forward because she truly made me happier than anyone I have ever dated. She agreed to do the same.
The first few months of us getting back together started rough. I found out that she was still in contact with guys she may have dated when we broke up. She claimed that they were texting her asking her to hang out and that she was just responding but never seeing them out of respect for me. She said she was just being "friendly" with them (i.e. that they were just "guy friends" which she was allowed to have). I believe that she didn't see them because I know where she went on nights that I didn't see her. But the question that bothered me was why did she keep in contact with these guys if she wasn't seeing them and she wanted to be with me? The only answer I had was that she was keeping them as "back-ups" just in case.
We have now been back together officially for six months. We spend almost all our time together when not working. We talk again about getting married and she constantly tells me she wants to marry me and start our life.
In general, things are good. We have fun together. We love spending our time together. I am even contemplating marrying her again; thinking that it could work.
But then, ever so often, I catch her texting late at night. When I ask her who it is, she replies one of her friends names. I want to believe her, but based on the history, I just don't trust her. I try to put the past behind me and trust her but I get the feeling she's still doing something deceitful even though I know she is not out with other guys (at least for the past month) because she is with me.
I love her and do want to marry her. But I am driving myself being paranoid about her and her phone. For example, the last few weeks have been great. But then, last night, when we were sleeping I got up to get a drink in the middle of the night and saw a voicemail pop up on her phone at 1:45am. Curiousity got the best of me and I listened to it. It was from a guy's name I never heard before and said, "Hi, I saw that you called. I just wanted to call you back." That's it. Not about what or when she called. I found this person on Facebook and he is listed a Single male, her age, that is friends with her friends and went to her college.
Now, I know she hasn't been out with any guys in the past month unless she is sneaking them over to her house in the middle of the night or lying to me about who she is going out to dinner with when she says her friends.
But on the other hand, I can't think of any reason she should be getting voicemails from this guy at 1:45am? Especially, saying I was just returning your call? The catch now is, I can't bring it up because she will know I invaded her privacy. Which is what caused the break up the first time. But now I don't trust her again. So am I paranoid and bringing this mistrust on myself or is something wrong going on? How can someone who spends all her time with you, tells you she loves you and wants to marry you, then go out and apparently still contact other guys?
Comment on ITstudent2006's post
Gotcha... I'm just so used to texting "Y". I'll remember that for my next post. ;)