Ask Me Help Desk - My fianc? Just said she don't have the same feelings for me.

I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years. We got engaged about 4 years ago. She broke it off with me about 3 years ago only to get back together and both of us to move to Tennessee about 2 years ago. She has just last night told me that she just doesn't feel like she loves me that way anymore. She has some feelings but is not sure if they are strong enough. We live together and don't really have many friends in our new area that we live in. She can't afford to move out and we both work at the same workplace and take the same car to and from work. So yeah, quite a mess! Iam really lost and because she left me before this hurts but am dealing with it. I just thought we had ironed everything out but apparently I was wrong. I need some advise on how to handle the next steps. She has made it pretty clear she doesn't want to try to work it out as she feels that is sort pointless as she doubts her feelings towards me are going to change. She also has told me she would need to get a place of her own but can't afford it right now. I have explained I can't afford even a beater car right now either and would do my best to try to find something. It's just so hard. Iam trying to give her space to think of everything but still living together in a single bedroom apartment... it's going to be so hard.

Really heartbroken, lost, scared, the works.

How old are you two? Is moving back to your hometown not an option? It is going to be very hard to continue to live together and work together if she's made it clear that she doesn't want to work things out. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

Any breakup is tough. You're right, if you can't completely iron all the issues after getting back together the secnod time, then there's no point trying again as things will only blow up again. Furthermore, feelings change, people change. It's inevitable, all you can do is respect her wishes.

If you've tried everything you can to get back together, but she still doesn't want it to happen, then your first priority is to consider every possible option to move out. Living in the same house will only prolong your pain and suffering.

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Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

How old are you two? Is moving back to your hometown not an option? It is going to be very hard to continue to live together and work together if she's made it clear that she doesn't want to work things out. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

Iam 36 she is 23 so yes I already know a bit of an age difference. It has never been an issue and I honestly don't think it is now either.

Moving back right now is not an option as I an have outstanding car loan for another year and a half. I know what you mean... it's going to be very VERY hard. It's weird, on one hand she says she doesn't want to work it out but on the other hand says she can't afford to move out either? Talk about putting me in a really bad spot.

That's a tough situation to be in. In my opinion age is just a number. I guess I was asking more or less to see if moving back in with the parents is an option. Could she move back in with her parents? I could see not being able to afford getting her own place, but this living situation isn't going to be good for either one of you.

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Originally Posted by xneedshelp

It's weird, on one hand she says she doesn't want to work it out but on the other hand says she can't afford to move out either? Talk about putting me in a really bad spot.

Yes, it definitely puts you in a bind. Could she be using you at this point, since she cannot afford to live on her own?

I know you deeply care for her, but if she is done with the relationship, living together will make it near impossible for you to move on.

That means you started when you were 29 and she was 17. That's a huge age gap in the beginning. There's a huge chance she didn't know what she wanted in life yet and now she starting to figure that out. I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. Furthermore, if she's only 23, then chances are she's not in a very stable financial situation.

If you've broken up, then you don't have any more responsibility towards her. She'll have to figure out her finances without your support.

Again, your sympathy towards her and allowing her to live with you will only prolong the recovery progress and make you suffer more. It's your choice how you want to proceed.

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Originally Posted by I wish

Any breakup is tough. You're right, if you can't completely iron all the issues after getting back together the secnod time, then there's no point trying again as things will only blow up again. Furthermore, feelings change, people change. It's inevitable, all you can do is respect her wishes.

If you've tried everything you can to get back together, but she still doesn't want it to happen, then your first priority is to consider every possible option to move out. Living in the same house will only prolong your pain and suffering.

I totally agree and understand that fully from the first time this happened. Just having to see her occasionally would hurt. It's funny how this is no problem for her since she was the one doing the breaking up. No big deal at least she don't show anything. That don't help matters either. I don't know I don't want it to turn ugly but why do I feel Iam going to end up forcing her out?

Plus, my emotions right now are all over the place.

Whose name is on the apt?

This is a part of break ups. It sucks, but one of you is going to have to go. When this happens, it is inevitable. While we all like to avoid the confrontation, the reality of the situation is that when a couple breaks up, not only does it involve their emotional feelings but it effects their physical environment. While I can understand you caring for her, this right now is about you and how you handle this. You have to do what is best for you, and at times that may put others in a tough spot, but that is life man. It is what it is. Along with break ups come hard choices that have to happen. No avoiding it.

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Originally Posted by xneedshelp

I dunno I don't want it to turn ugly but why do I feel I am going to end up forcing her out?

You have to weigh the pros and cons here. Keeping her around will only make you live in misery and to the confusion because it will constantly give you false hope. You're going to have such a difficult time moving on with your life.

Forcing her out is a very tough move, but it's in your best interest. As for her, again, it's her responsibility to get her finances in order, not yours. Furthermore, it would be selfish of her to continue to be your roommate, because she should know that it will make you suffer even longer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

Forcing her out is a very tough move, but it's in your best interest. As for her, again, it's her responsibility to get her finances in order, not yours. Furthermore, it would be selfish of her to continue to be your roommate, because she should know that it will make you suffer even longer.

100% agree and that was what I was getting at. She broke up with you and you don't owe her anything. She needs to be responsible for herself now. She can't expect you to let her live with you just because she can't afford to move out. That's her problem. Not yours.

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Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

Whose name is on the apt?

All in my name I think I'll be moving to one across the way though... minimal move and won't cost much... just far to many memories at this place Iam (we are) at.

I understand everybody and thanks for the replies. I just have to build enough composure to push this along cause your all so very right... I can see this being agonizing day in and day out. I quite honestly don't even want to look at her face and probably won't right now. I'll try to avoid her as much as I can during this far difficult time.

I'll keep posting as just talking to people and getting responses helps. I just don't have anyone really to talk to around here.

Post as often as you need to.
Breakups are tough.You re doing the right thing and you will get over this. All the best to you.

Your situation is quite tough, but it is her that needs to move out not you even though there is memory, they fade away. It's a drastic measure to move out because of old memories and you are letting her get the weaker part of you. Memories are memories, you should most probably give her a deadline and you need to move on with your life already.

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Originally Posted by paxe

Your situation is quite tough, but it is her that needs to move out not you even though there is memory, they fade away. It's a drastic measure to move out because of old memories and you are letting her get the weaker part of you. Memories are memories, you should most probably give her a deadline and you need to move on with your life already.

Thanks I know I do need to give her a deadline. I actually have affairs that I need to get in order myself. I have to either repair my car or try to afford another one as when mine died last month we went out and she purchased our car mostly. I only could pitch in like 100 bucks. So the car is right now hers. That to me is the biggest priority for me right now. This so that I can get to and from work. Once that has been resolved, I will move out of my apartment which was with her and was a 2 bedroom. I'll move across the compex to a single bedroom. This way I think it will help cleanse me and give me closure to the whole thing. Just like I was starting over again. Like I said the me moving out is really not necessary but at the same time is. It definitely will help and be cheaper so that I won't be struggling (as she helped pay for some of the bills) plus like I said... the memories of this apartment. Our first together and we both decorated it etc. etc. Just for me a lot to overlook.

Hope this all makes sense... The biggest issue is the deadline. I can't go cutting her out too quickly as like I said, I do still use and need the transportation to work. She at the same time literally has nowhere to go. I know its not healthy for either of us and yes does make it tough to move on and has false hope written all over it. I just can't put myself to put her out on the street. I have to keep in mind she is a human being.

That's actually very noble from your part. One day you'll look back with pride at what you actually did. It is in your full right to kick her out of the door but you didn't and that take guts.

Once you move out, and the sooner the better, you'll need to take care of yourself and do the things you want. It is very enjoyable once you realized that the break up is not the end of the world.

For now, you can start the healing process even if she is here. It won't be easy but it will give you a kick start. First off, you'll need to go to the gym much more often, probably everyday. Secondly you'll need to be more sociable and connect with more people. Try to get out as much as possible without drinking. Just go and enjoy life. Plan a hike alone or with friends, plan a trip...

When she will be gone, things will become much more easier but start from now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by paxe

That's actually very noble from your part. One day you'll look back with pride at what you actually did. It is in your full right to kick her out of the door but you didn't and that take guts.

Once you move out, and the sooner the better, you'll need to take care of yourself and do the things you want. It is very enjoyable once you realized that the break up is not the end of the world.

For now, you can start the healing process even if she is here. It won't be easy but it will give you a kick start. First off, you'll need to go to the gym much more often, probably everyday. Secondly you'll need to be more sociable and connect with more people. Try to get out as much as possible without drinking. Just go and enjoy life. Plan a hike alone or with friends, plan a trip...

When she will be gone, things will become much more easier but start from now.

Thanks! I do understand and your right no drinking. That's really not a problem as I quit that 3 years ago cause of a health condition but I do understand where your coming from. I plan on doing exactly what your talking about. I need to focus on me and get back to what makes me happy.

Yep! And believe me life as a single has a LOT of advantage, one of which is able to find your own way and to follow your own dream. I'm actually good looking and a lot of girls are making advances to me, but I'm mostly rejecting them because I feel so great alone. I was becoming distant with my family and friends, and now I have gained much more with the breakup and grown closer to everybody.

It's something to look ahead while you are starting to work on yourself. And yes drinking, drugs or rebounds can make you feel better for a little while but won't help you in the long term.

Quote:

Originally Posted by paxe

Yep! And believe me life as a single has a LOT of advantage, one of which is able to find your own way and to follow your own dream. I'm actually good looking and a lot of girls are making advances to me, but I'm mostly rejecting them because I feel so great alone. I was becoming distant with my family and friends, and now I have gained much more with the breakup and grown closer to everybody.

It's something to look ahead while you are starting to work on yourself. And yes drinking, drugs or rebounds can make you feel better for a little while but won't help you in the long term.

Thanks Paxe, can I ask you how do I go about the feeling inside. The losing the girl feeling and the need to want to be close to someone. I don't want a rebound but know that is exactly what would be in store as soon as she is gone. Iam a very emotional type of person that loves to feel the love and support from another one. It's all I have known for basically the last 7 years. Iam 36 years old right now and really would like to meet the right girl and settle down to start a family but at the same time I will fully admit I never really dated much and have only had a handful of girlfriends and only one that I have ever been in a long term relationship. I didn't actually really start to date until I was in my mid twenties and this girl who is wanting to leave me has really been all that I have known. For me it's like I have 3 very large problems. I have become emotionally attached to her, but yet deep down inside know it's been wrong for a little while now in how she has been treating me. I also seem to get very emotionally attached to girls and love to know that I am liked and or loved. I don't enjoy really being alone, I have always been looking for another, more then likely just because when I was a lot younger I was made fun of a lot and that really scarred my self-esteem. It wasn't until I got into my mid twenties before my attitude changed as I began to hang out with my younger cousin who just had this glo to him that shined upon me and brought me out of the shell I was living in. I know it brought out a side of me I never really knew existed, as I began having done really nothing, to attract girls left and right. It was 100% in my body language and attitude. I simply was a fun person. One that people looked up to and I enjoyed being that person so very much. My younger cousin unfortunately was severely injured in a car accident about 4 years ago and when that happened I think deep down inside I lost the glo that he had turned on in my personality. I took it really hard as I thought of him more as a best friend and brother then as my cousin. My other and final issue is the whole living alone thing. I have never done it and don't have any family or friends where Iam at. In fact Iam in Tennessee and they are all up north in Massachusetts. So a great distance indeed. I feel so very alone as I moved down here to be with my girl and did this for a job opportunity. I would love to move back up north and be closer to the ones I love right now, but I don't know if this is just a gut reaction cause I just don't want to be alone. I remember when I was up there, and I was single from the first time my girl broke it off with me, all I wanted was to get a place of my own. Again I don't know if that was just a gut reaction cause she had left me and I wanted to prove something to her and to myself that I could move out of my parents place or not... Man typing this I just feel like I have so many issues. It's 2am right now and I just can't sleep... it's so like the U2 song... "with or without you" I keep playing it over and over again in my head. I just can't live with her cause of the way she feels toward me and I know that... but yet I can't live without her right now in the state Iam in. I know I have to get back to loving myself first and that is a critical step... it just feels like Iam hanging over the edge of a mountain right now and I am just looking for someone to show me their hand to help pull me up. I don't know if that is something I should be trying to look for and accept or if I should be trying somehow different to pull myself up. It's like all my strength is gone... I just don't have any one. Do you think it would be good for me to take a mini vacation and try to somehow get myself up north to visit my family? I know I still have all this stuff lingering down here right now... the car, her still living in my place etc. It's just sooooo hard to deal with it right now.