My heart has been broken and I find comfort reading posts about similar break up stories. I figure I'll post about my own break up story and get some feedback from you guys. Here it is...

My boyfriend (now ex) and I have been dating for 1 and 1/2 year and I thought that he was the love of my life. We were happy together and even though we had our ups and downs, we always found a way to reconcile and be happy again. I felt we were two of the luckiest people because we found love. People who knew us as a couple were always commenting that they're hearing wedding bells. I believed them and started bringing up marriage, kids, etc. We were planning our future together and I thought he was at a point in his life where he was ready too (he's 32, I'm 29).

Well, I'm currently in school and I have to do rotations at another state this year, which means that he and I have to do long distance for about a year. I left him a month ago but we promised each other we'd call everyday and visit often. He cried when he dropped me off at the airport and our farewell was sweet. A month had gone by and LDR is hard but we called everyday and all seemed well. About 2 weeks ago, he was supposed to visit me. He called me an hour before he was supposed to leave to the airport and told me he wasn't coming anymore. He sounded a little panicky. He told me he was breaking up with me because he didn't think it would work out. He told me he's not ready for marriage, and it would be unfair to string me along for another year. He wished me well and told me I should date other people and be with someone who can give me what I want. I was devastated. The call came out of nowhere, when just the day before, everything seemed normal between us. I begged him to come anyway since his plane ticket was set and ready and we could discuss this in person. But he refused, saying that "it will complicate things."

Needless to say, I was shocked, hurt and confused. I called him later that night and asked him to explain his change of heart. He told me it wasn't me; it was him. At first I thought it was just a BS line he was using to spare my feelings. But then he explained more and he told me that he has always gotten cold feet after dating a girl for more than a year (he's had 10 girlfriends before me, each relationship lasting for about a year or two). He knew that the topic of marriage would come up and he'd feel pressured to get married, which he wasn't ready for. His parents are divorced and he told me he didn't want to go through the same thing. He told me I'm the best girlfriend he ever had but he's still not ready to settle down. He told me that he might regret his decision one day because he was letting go the best thing in his life right now.

It's been more than 2 weeks now, and even though the shock has subsided, my heart is still breaking. I still love him and hope he'd change his mind one day. I know it's best to cut all contacts with him at this point but I caved and called him a few times during the first week after our break up. Our conversations had sounded normal, as if we were us again, but he was still resolute in his decision and it hurts me to talk to him when he no longer wants to be with me. So I'm trying really hard not to call anymore and to try to move on with my life. It helps that I'm at a new place and are meeting new friends, but I still miss him terribly and it makes me sad that things ended the way they did. I felt so blindsighted. I didn't know he had so much doubts about our relationship. He has been pretending that he was happy. Either that, or I have been so naïve to not realize he was unhappy and was looking for a way out these past few months.

Thanks for reading... Any pearl of wisdom or suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

That does sound unfortunate but just hang in there. I don't think it really matters why he left you because the point is that he did. There's no point in driving yourself crazy trying to figure what caused him to do this because either way he did it. The first step to moving on is accepting that he is gone. Try not to get your hopes up of him coming back. And if he comes back that's great but if he doesn't just remember you're still going to be okay and you still have plenty of other great things to look forward to in life. Just stick to your no contact rule and give yourself lots of time to recover. Eventually everything will fall in to place so be strong. Good luck!

I'm sorry to hear about your stuation, and it does seem to me (from reading your post) that you have some clear thoughts and feelings about what you can do do get over him.

Of course, even though it will not help your progress to thik about him and what his reasons for breaking up with you are... it has oonly been two weeks since he broke up with you.

1. hang in there. Even if it might not seem like it right now, you can get passed this.
2. You are, as you say, in a new place and you are meeting new people and you are making new friends, which is a really really good think in your situation; seeing as you are not alone.

3. some find it helpful to focus on work/school... so if you find that to throw yourself into the tasks in front of you will help, do that.
4. some find it helpful to start working out (soif you're not already doing this and your schedule allows it, it might be a good idea).

I hope this was of some help! And If you need further advice or someone to read/comment on a rant... we're here!

Best of luck!Roxy

Threads merged

My ex-bf and I were dating for 1.5 years. He broke up with me 3 weeks ago. His reason was that he wanted to sort out his life first -- he felt that his life is a mess right now. His dad is in the hospital with cancer, his grandma recently had a stroke, he himself has some financial difficulties, and he feels overweight. I was devastated because the call came out of nowhere. I knew he was having problems but I never knew it would lead to him breaking up with me. But he needed space and even though I still love him I've been trying to get over him since.

Well, I recently lost my phone. He and I share a family phone plan. After we broke up, he told me I could stay on his plan (he pays an extra $10 a month for my phone) until I can afford to pay my own phone bill when I graduate from school next year. When I lost my phone, I told him about it and he was very sympathetic and offered to help. At first, I told him this would be the perfect opportunity for me to start my own plan since we broke up already. But he told me he didn't mind helping me out and letting me stay on his plan. I accepted his offer and was grateful for his generosity. A week went by and I didn't hear from him. I called him (using my roommate's phone) at the end of the week to see if he took care of the phone but he didn't. He told me he was busy and he'd take care of it over the next few days. It's been another week of me trying to reach him (I called him several times to find out about the status of the phone... ) and he didn't pick up my calls. Last night I messaged him and told him that if I didn't hear back from him by Monday, I'll get my own phone. He messaged me back this morning and told me that he's been thinking about it and he thinks I should get my own phone plan because he's still having some financial trouble.

I don't mind paying for my own phone bill and it's not about the money. I'm hurt because I feel like he's already moved on and now wants me out of his life. He ignored my calls and gave me a short and succinct message as a reply. It's only been 3 weeks since we broke up and we were in love during our 1.5 years of relationship, but I sense coldness on his end. I had hopes that we'll get back together one day, after he sorts out his life, but now I don't even know what he's thinking. When we broke up, he told me that he may come crawling back to me after he gets his life together but based on his history with his exes, he has never gotten back together with any of them. I know he can turn off all emotions if he's determined and he's gotten over some of his exes pretty fast this way.

Does he still care about me or has he moved on for good? How long does it take for a guy to get over a girl he loved?

I think he is doing what is best for him, which he should you have broken up. You should also be doing the same thing, if you are capable, he should not be your lifeline. He is trying to move on which is the reason you broke up in the first place.

Get your own phone plan and work on the break up as he is. Time to work on no contact of your own.

He may have been distancing himself from you emotionally for some time and it just seems like he is over you easily because you *officially* broke up three weeks ago.

He may have been breaking up with you for some time but you may have seen his distance as a result of his family and personal life problems.

Either way,it is time for you to start thinking about having a life without him in it and healing. Best of luck!

The amount of times it takes for someone to get over a broken relationship varies from one person to the next. So there's no way we can give you a definite answer on that.

You listed some pretty major issues he's got going on in his life right now so it's understandable that a relationship with you (or probably anyone else) isn't a top priority. Given what's he's dealing with- let's see: a sick parent, an ailing grandparent, financial troubles, and his own self-esteem issues- it's no wonder that he's preoccupied to say the least.

That doesn't mean he's found someone else. It means that he needs time to deal with his life. Your lost phone is probably nowhere on is list of things to do. He may have really wanted to help you get a new phone but he's got a lot going on. Get your own phone plan; you were planning to do that anyway right? So do it.

He did what was best for him and in the long run you'll see it was best for you too. Because otherwise you could very well be here posting a question saying that your boyfriend doesn't have time for you and doesn't seem interested in maintaining the relationship. Live your life and be glad that he cared enough to let you go.

I believe that he cares for you, but he's not in love with you. You dated for 1.5 years, but it doesn't seem like you were in a relationship. His life is a mess and he's trying to sort it out without you. That's not what a relationship is. If you didn't see it during the past 1.5 years, you should take a good look now.

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Originally Posted by artlady

He may have been distancing himself from you emotionally for some time and it just seems like he is over you easily because you *officially* broke up three weeks ago.

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I think you're right. We were doing long distance during the last month that we were together, and during that time, I sensed that he was a little distant with me. I even had a few dreams in which he either cheated on me or broke up with me. I told him about these dreams but he laughed it off. Maybe deep down, I sensed that something was wrong and knew that a break up was going to happen soon.

After the break up, he said that he's been having doubts about our relationship since our one-year anniversary. That means he's been thinking about breaking up with me for 6 months! I just don't understand... how can you tell someone that you love them if you didn't? I asked him if he still loved me (post break up) and he told me he can't say. Did he or didn't he? I feel like the past couple of months that we were together had been a lie.

I think you need to focus on what is. It's over. Your boyfriend isn't looking backwards, and you shouldn't either, you'll only get more hurt because you loved him more than he loved you.

Just because this man spends 1.5 years with you doesn't mean he loves you. He maybe loves being with you so he doesn't have to be alone to face his other problems. That's different. Now that you're broken up you ask him if he still loves you and he can't say. Maybe he means that he doesn't love to be with you and he would rather be alone to face his other problems now.

Don't become a victim by dwelling into the past thinking that he lied to you, or used you, whatever. Learn from this and go into your next relationship with a clear direction of what you want.

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Originally Posted by greenhaven

I think you're right. We were doing long distance during the last month that we were together, and during that time, I sensed that he was a little distant with me. I even had a few dreams in which he either cheated on me or broke up with me. I told him about these dreams but he laughed it off. Maybe deep down, I sensed that something was wrong and knew that a break up was going to happen soon.

After the break up, he said that he's been having doubts about our relationship since our one-year anniversary. That means he's been thinking about breaking up with me for 6 months! I just don't understand ... how can you tell someone that you love them if you didn't? I asked him if he still loved me (post break up) and he told me he can't say. Did he or didn't he? I feel like the past couple of months that we were together had been a lie.

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He seemed to have cared enough to not want to hurt you.

Sad fact is ,that people do fall out of love.

I am sure that he cared for you at one time. Wondering about his feelings now is an exercise in futility.It will get you no where,only confuse and upset you more.You may never know or understand.

The bottom line is that he made his wishes clear and you need to begin the healing process.

There is ample advice on this site to help you with the grieving process and give you the tools you need to make the transition from being a couple to being single again.

We have all been there and I am not trying to make light of how awful it feels but you can survive this and have a quality of life you deserve once again.

Thanks for the advice. I've been visiting numerous break up sites these past 3 weeks and it's what I read before I go to bed each night. It's been helpful. He was my first serious boyfriend and my first love. Hence, this was the first painful breakup I've been in and I'm new to the NC rule. I guess I still have lots of questions about the breakup but like you all said, I have to accept that I may never know why things happened the way they did. I have to try to stop obssessing over it. All I can do right now is accept them for what they are and try to pick up the pieces.

I've been going back and forth between 4 of the 5 stages of grieving: Denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I have yet to come to the stage of acceptance.

Thanks for the support! I will check back often!

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Originally Posted by greenhaven

Thanks for the advice. I've been visiting numerous break up sites these past 3 weeks and it's what I read before I go to bed each night. It's been helpful. He was my first serious boyfriend and my first love. Hence, this was the first painful breakup I've been in and I'm new to the NC rule. I guess I still have lots of questions about the breakup but like you all said, I have to accept that I may never know why things happened the way they did. I have to try to stop obssessing over it. All I can do right now is accept them for what they are and try to pick up the pieces.

I've been going back and forth between 4 of the 5 stages of grieving: Denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I have yet to come to the stage of acceptance.

Thanks for the support!! I will check back often!

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Going from one stage to another is common.Right now your emotions are all over the place so give yourself time and know that there are many people here to listen whenever you need to let off some steam.
Hang tough!

Threads merged

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 6 weeks ago and I haven't had any contact with him for the last 2 weeks. I've done the NC thing because I'm trying to forget about him and even though I still miss him everyday, NC has helped. I also recently just got a new phone number, which he doesn't have.

We were still friends on Facebook and occasionally I check his page to see what he was up to. Today I found out that he deleted me from Facebook. I felt so devastated.. I mean, he's the one who broke up with me, and so isn't it my call to delete him from Facebook if I wanted to because I'm the one who's hurt? Why did he do this? Is this his way of telling me that he's really, really over me? That he doesn't want anything to do with me and want me out of his life for good? He's acting really cold and I don't know why.

He told me before that one day he may ask for my forgiveness and we can get back together but now I feel like he never meant that and that there's no shred of hope for him to come back. Him deleting me from Facebook also tells me that he doesn't foresee future friendship with me. We broke up because he was afraid of commitment.

I need a guy's point of view please.. . What's on his mind?

It's over.

NC is not just about not talking to the person you broke up with- it's also putting that part of you aside. You did not do that, in fact you fed your pain by checking him up on Facebook, maybe even looking at his photos, seeing who he's talking to, seeing his status change, seeing if pictures of the both of you have been deleted or not... to sum up you've been bringing yourself down.

It's a good thing he deleted you.

You need to move on. He is.

Sarah

It sounds to me like he's trying to let you know it's definitely over as he may think you haven't got the idea it is yet.

And please...

DO NOT CHECK HIS FACEBOOK

Gets you nowhere and just makes you feel like cr*p , no point in that is there.

Facebook is seriously the death trap that most people who are broken up with fall into.

They like to "check up" on how the person that crushed them is doing. But like Mudweiser said, all they're doing is feeding their pain.

He deleted you from FB because he's not interested in letting you know his business anymore, and he's especially not interested in "asking for forgiveness" and going back out with you.

I'm sorry, Sweetheart.

Don't ask him why he did it through text or any other medium, either. Just accept it, and be thankful he deleted you: him deleting you was exactly what you needed to start healing.

Good luck.

I know I recently uploaded a couple of pictures of myself and my friends. Secretly I hoped he'd see them and get the message that I'm strong and happy even after the break up. I also met some new guys and they added me as friends, which showed up on the news feed.

Is he trying to forget about me and maybe felt a little jealous of my moving on without him? Is that why he deleted me from Facebook? I haven't contacted him in a while and so he wouldn't think that I'm still pining over him. I just don't understand this coldness and harsh move on his part. We were best friends before and I still have a few things in his house that he's willing to store until next February (I'm at a different state currently doing rotations for school). I thought we were in good terms!

I'd like to add that there is this app for Facebook; "stalker" something, and it tells you who has been to your page the most-- chances are he saw you on the list and decided to delete you because of that.

I know I sure would delete my ex if he made the list.

Sarah

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Originally Posted by mudweiser

I'd like to add that there is this app for Facebook; "stalker" something, and it tells you who has been to your page the most--

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Sneaky buggers :eek: