I am very much in love with a man whom has changed his life around.
We are engaged to be married.No date has been set.
Believe me when I say that he is a very wonderful person and is very loyal to me.

But I am insecure because he abused badly as a child and has what I believe to be Reactive Attachment Disorder..
Also he sexually abused a step-daughter from the time she was 7 until she was 15.
She got mad at him one day and finally told on him.
He went through 5 years of intense phycological therapy.

When I met him she was out of the picture living in Mexico but he was upfront about what had happened.
I liked him so much at that time that I accepted the new man he was.
It was after I had already fallen in love with him that she ended up back in his home because she had no where to go.
He said that he is trying to make up for being a bad parent and wanted
To make up for his wrongs..
She was a cocaine addict in Mexico and was trying to clean up her life.
There is a lot more but It is a long long story which I am trying to survive...

So I am engaged to a man who is roommates with an Gay ex Brother in law and has
An ex daughter in law whom he had sexually abused living there.
I see the innocence in the relationship as it is now.. but it is still hard on me.
She is lost in her life and he feels so much quilt that he has a hard time disciplining her..
She has no motivation to work.. lays around all day.. Parties all night.She is 23 years old!

She has been there for 2 years... What do I do?
I need a support group and I can't find one!
Help!!

Are you so insecure that you would be in a situation with so many abusers and abused people around you? Remove yourself from this situation.

People like that cannot change, I'm sorry. Next time you think this man changed, look up the story of Meghan Kanka, that guy "reformed" as well. They are sick people and there is no excuse for what they do or have done. It was a young girl! How can you forgive that or look past it? Could you really trust having a kid with him alone?

You are swimming in a pool of toxic dysfunctionality.

I do not believe people that sexually molest children can ever be cured. It is an uncontrollable compulsion. What if you have children and he molests him/her?

There are a lot more worthy guys out in the world. Please look for one.

I am trying to maintain an open mind.I want to believe that people can change and with effective treatment develop the skills to combat their pedophile obsession.

Research just does not support that theory.There is no disputing the facts that pedophilia is an incurable sexual deviation.

Regarding the victim and her subsequent drug abuse,I am confident the two are related.If he wants to help her he should provide quality mental health treatment instead of allowing his guilt to allow her to party her life away.Clearly,she is trying to lose herself.

As others have stated,this is a toxic environment and when you begin to believe it is O.K. you are being lured into a false sense of security.

Many pedophiles will hook up with a heterosexual female and try to maintain a semblance of normalcy in their life.You could very well be the pawn to help him to justify his *rehabilitation*.

Please rethink this.. you must know you could never have a child with this man and the stepdaughters instability is dangerous and so is this entire situation.

You need to think this through.Arm yourself with all the knowledge you can and make an informed decision.

Is this man a registered sex offender?

I am the last one to say 'don't do it', and I've seen miracles in people turning their lives and relationships around.

BUT, a man with this kind of proven history is not debatable. He is who he is, including his past, and the total of who is is now, does not erase what he's done, and what he is likely to become again.

Whiile I think he has likely distanced himself and accepted his past through therapy, that does not change the person. You are considering marriage to a man with a past, and you are aware of his history. His actions have affected his victims, and will for perhaps all of their lifetimes. It was not only his own life that was affected by what he did, you have to think of the mess he created and the destruction he caused along the way.

Please Google recividism for pedophiles. It is generally understood that recividisom rates are high, and include not only pedophilia crimes, but other types of crimes as well.

If you were my daughter, as open minded as I am, this decision you've made would have me moving mountains to make you change your mind. I hope you read, and research, and see objectively and truthfully, that this is not a good choice.

He is what he is, and always will be.

Hi sunray... he abused that girl for a very long time 7-15 years old, that's 8 years of abuse, please don't tell me he didn't know what he was doing... he knew more than most having had it done to himself.

Lets face it... he's more devious than you think, to have conned that girl for 8 years makes me sick to my stomach.

Think of all the threats he must have inflicted on her just to keep her quiet and he has the brass neck to say he can't discipline her... it's down to him she is the way she is.

The best thing she can do for her own sanity is seek out help for herself, there are bound to be charitable organizations that will help.

My dear sunray, I know you say you love this guy, but if you want any decent life of your own... home family etc... get out now.

There is too much history for you to sort out, you will get dragged under with it all.

They will both survive without you, just like they have all these years, I know it will be hard but no where near as hard if you stay...

Artlady, while I agree there is no compound evidence to support the theory, but look at the past offenders, they are more times likely to continue the pattern than not. For every one person who is "cured" 4 others act upon their impulse again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Artlady, while I agree there is no compound evidence to support the theory, but look at the past offenders, they are more times likely to continue the pattern than not. For every one person who is "cured" 4 others act upon their impulse again.

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I said... I am trying to maintain an open mind.I want to believe that people can change and with effective treatment develop the skills to combat their pedophile obsession.

Research just does not support that theory.There is no disputing the facts that pedophilia is an incurable sexual deviation.

The theory I was referring to was that they can change ,I am saying the theory is not supported by research.

Maybe I did not make myself clear but I am agreeing that pedophilia is an incurable sexual deviation.

Oh OK, lol misunderstood what you were trying to say. I apologize

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Oh ok, lol misunderstood what you were trying to say. I apologize

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Have to spread the rep Rome but its no biggie.I should learn to make myself more clear... :)

I am at a loss for words, the girl he abused is a drug addict and moved back into his house. He also has a gay family member living there.

Sounds more like a good script for a new TV show,

I guess of course I have a hard time believing he has really changed, and have a hard time understanding this girl moving back in.

I guess I can only say from my point of view I would want to run from this

Thank all of you so much for the time you take to help others~I am still not sure what I will do but you have given me some insight to mull over..
Update is: She is now pregnant (one night stand) He gave her 1 month to move out.

He really does have major remorse and thinks about his wrong doing every day of his life. It haunts him and he says it always will. He doesn't like to be around children.. I truly believe he has changed.
He did it out of anger he built up from being abused all his life and then getting into a bad marriage. I have never seen him angry since I have been with him.He is very much a gentleman. We have never fought.. (just discussions) He had a very good phycologist.One of the best.
I just wanted to find a support group to help me understand him better.

Ok OK.. Has anyone out there been in the same kind of situation and had it work??
There has to be someone.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Artlady, while I agree there is no compound evidence to support the theory, but look at the past offenders, they are more times likely to continue the pattern than not. For every one person who is "cured" 4 others act upon their impulse again.

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You really can't generalize, and I am not even sure how accurate your 4 in 1 stats are.

Recidivism rates for convicted sex offenders vary greatly, ranging from less than 5 percent to more than 50 percent, based on such factors as the victim's gender, the offender's relationship to the victim and whether the offender has received treatment, multiple studies have shown. In general, younger men who abuse boys they don't know have the highest risks of re-offending.

In by the way if I was in your place sunrayzd333 I would run.You need more than a support group to deal with all this mess

The Numbers Guy : How Likely Are Sex Offenders to Repeat Their Crimes?

Or
The Numbers Guy : How Likely Are Sex Offenders to Repeat Their Crimes?

In case the link doesn't work. A canadien study should that 88.3% and a study done in 1996, said 90% were more likely to relapse and strike again with an outcome being death.

One of the important things to consider here too is that there is probably a greater chance of several offences before finally getting caught. Like a shoplifter. Likely they have a career spanning a long time, but need only to get caught once, and that is the offense they are charged with.

And to pedophiles, we know they have histories, which in some ways reflect a lifestyle. The lifestyle is deceiptful, well planned, and carried out very carefully. It is not one victim, one time; rather several times with one victim, often for years, and on to new victims. These are not crimes committed one time only.

This is only my opinion here based on what I've read over the years, but I honestly cannot see how a 'cure' can happen, and if it does at all, surely it must be in the small minority.

The history created, cannot be erased. To forgive such crimes, and think they would never happen again, I just don't understand.

Are you kidding, your in love with a pedofile? Who cares if he got therapy, l'd like to think people can change but a pedofile I'm sorry but nope read all the facts about them! How could you be with someone that you knew hurt a child in that way, I'm sorry but that is discusting

I feel for your situation, I really do. I know many of us want to believe that someone can chance and be rehabilitated - its these very beliefs that make us human. I'm not going to go into whether he will be prone to committing similar crimes in the future or not - there are plenty of other posts that go into depth on that.

You came here asking what you should do, and that you needed a support group but could not find one. The fact that you came here and felt the need to share your story tells me that you must have some concern for this whole situation. Many of the other posters have also brought up some valid points here that you should consider.

You need to seriously step back and ask yourself some questions:

Are you willing to live with being in a relationship with a man that has this kind of past?
If you two were to bring a child into this world, would you be concerned about him?
Would you want to put any child into this situation, let alone possibly your own future children?
What would you do if this occurred to your child, knowing the facts you know right now?

I for one, would not be able to put ANY child into this situation, especially my own - no matter how much I loved anyone. To me it would be like putting a loaded gun into the hands of a criminal. I know you're in love with this man, but could you live with these possibilities if you stayed with him, knowing everything you know about him and what's going around you?

We can only point out the facts and other things you should consider but the decision is yours. You're the one that will ultimately have to live with your decision, not us. I truly hope that when you do make your decision that you're fully prepared to accept whatever possibilities exist not only for you, but for any future children you may have.