My ex and the girl he was cheating with got caught. I had posted asking if I should tell because I knew and her husband didn't. Her husband found out I guess like I did cell phone and emails. I'm just amazed at how fast it happened you guys were right I didn't have to do anything. They have stopped contact with each other and now I'm wondering what's going on with my ex. Does he think it was worth it to lose me and not get her? It's only been a few days since I moved out and I still have to go pick up and move out the rest of my stuff this weekend but he won't be there. We actually left off on good terms largely due to me not letting my anger and feelings of betrayal take over and him not knowing just how much of their secrets I knew. The last couple of days after I told him I was leaving we hung out, it wasn't exactly all happiness but it was us being friendly. The day I was leaving he gave me a hug and a kiss and I told him I would miss him and I loved him, that made him sad. I still have feelings for him after all I know. I'm wondering if we'd ever be friends or talk like we used to after all this, how will I know if this is even possible? I left on Monday and they stopped contact yesterday, so everything is so new. Is it self destructive to want to tell him I'd like to talk. Is it too soon to want to talk to him because he is probably going through some crazy emotions after all he's done (or maybe not who knows). I feel deep down inside since he had cheated he is done with me. I feel sad that he may not be thinking of me at all, maybe more sad the girl didn't leave her husband for him (I think he really might of thought this). I have to contact him to arrange for moving the rest of my stuff out. If he is cold which I am guessing he will be it is going to kill me. From everything I've found out they were both unhappy in their relationships and sought out a fantasy thing between themselves. Even if they ended up together they would have seen the grass isn't greener on the other side. I just wonder why my ex would put all that effort into that girl instead of us? He said he was going to try to work on us and was working on them. I feel like if he was willing to work on our relationship all the things he was trying to create with her he should have done for me. The first time we were going to split was right about after their fling began. So if he got rid of me to be with her and now that they have gotten caught and she chose to try to work out her marriage instead of my ex do you think he thought it was all worth it? I guess I want him to be guilty. I think he was caught up in the excitement of it all and was attracted to her before he met me so now that she was unhappy in her marriage they had this affair. I try to not think of about things but right now it is eating away at me still. I wish I could just get the angry stage and want to be mad at him but I'm just hurt and missing him. When I call him to arrange moving my stuff should I initiate conversation or just keep it simple just date/ time that's it? Should I let him know I miss him and want to know what he's going through or is that stupid? In my fantasy world I wish he was thinking he made the wrong choice and see that I was right for him. I want him to come back to me but the scary part is what he if he doesn't? I'm so confused by my irrational thinking:(

Girl you are amazing
First of all, props to you for ending that façade
He KNOWS he screwed up, and believe me, he is guilty and sad and full of self pity right now
I mean, he thought he had it good, having two chicks - now he has none
Your hurt,confused feelings are so normal hun, but I got to be honest, this happens a lot
And a lot of women stay in the relationship hoping for the best but it never works out
I cannot fathom him ever doing this to a person like you, I mean HE cheated on YOU and you are worried about HIM!! That is amazing to me.
When you move your stuff out, bring a friend - your friend will hate his guts for betraying you and keep you from making a stupid decision cause you still love him
And get pi**ed! Seriously you need to- I'm not saying do it when your stuff is being moved, but you need to express those feelings - cry scream vent but do it away from him, don't let him feel like he has power over you - if you act like its nothing, that will hurt his ego even more
He needs to learn a lesson in this if he already hasn't, and even though its at your expense, it must be done
If you still feel the need to find out why all of this happened, do it after you've healed - if your still heartbroken when you talk about it, it will only drive you deeper into sadness
For now, take care of yourself - hang out with your friends all the time, keep them on speed dial, they love you and will help you through this.
What goes around comes around, he got bit in the butt and now you are better off - you can and will do so much better - people like you don't come around often, don't waste your time on a greedy selfish jerk
And if all that doesn't help you, imagine how many times he hooked up with her and came home to you then hooked up with you- if that isn't enough to keep you away I don't know what is

Get your stuff, ignore him, heal, and love yourself enough to build you a life without him in it.

It will hurt like heck, and be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life, but the rewards is, you will be happy with who you are, and what you've overcome, and what you have accomplished for yourself.

Read my signature, and click on the link at the end.

He just sent me an email asking if I was coming to get my stuff this weekend cause he was going out of town the weekend and wanted to know if I would be coming to get my stuff. It was very short and cold. That means he doesn't care right? Maybe he wants me to feed our (now his) pet. Why couldn't he call why email so impersonal. Ugh.

Work in your own interest and ignore his. The sooner you get out of his life, the sooner your healing begins.

Its not that he doesn't care, he's trying to make you feel like that - to top it off, he's feeling all sorts of screwed up right now, maybe he wants you to ask him about how he feels (selfish) maybe he wants you to get upset about the very same reason you wrote to us about (that he doesn't care)
He cares all right show him that you don't
I have faith that you are strong enough to follow through with what you know needs to be done, talaniman is right, ignore him. He's a big baby looking for your sympathy.

Whether he realize what he had, he didn't cherish nor appricated it when he had it. He going feel lonely, depress because he lost you and, if not already, a friend. But that what's happens when he cheated.

Right now you might miss him because the break-up is new. After you get your stuff cut off all contact. In time your heart will heal. Then your reflect back on your relationship with him and realize what a looser he is.

Should I email him back instead of call so that it will be easier than having to go through him wanting to get off the phone with me really quick? Also would it be wrong to tell him I wanted to pick up some stuff last night after work but I was too tired and afraid to call him since I feel like he just doesn't want to deal with me. That I'm going through a lot of feelings and it's hard. I think of him and wonder what he is going through. I still care what happens to him but I feel like he doesn't care what happens to me. And ask him if I'm right?

Call him, show him you are the bigger person.you don't need to get in depth, just make basic arrangements and keep it moving. Do not tell him about last night, that's info he doesn't deserve to know.
It is hard to have all these conflicting emotions, you hate him but you love him. Well it wasn't hard for him to be intimate with another woman, doesn't that show you what he thinks happens to you? Its pretty obvious hun
Pleaseeeeeee move on pleaasseee because if you go back, you're only going to hurt more than you do now, with an STD to add insult to injury
Don't trust him he betrayed you and no behavior on his account should deter you from remembering that

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HighandDryinnNy

Call him, show him you are the bigger person.you dont need to get in depth, just make basic arrangements and keep it moving. Do not tell him about last nite, thats info he doesnt deserve to know.
it is hard to have all these conflicting emotions, you hate him but you love him. well it wasnt hard for him to be intimate with another woman, doesnt that show you what he thinks happens to you? its pretty obvious hun
pleaseeeeeee move on pleaasseee because if you go back, you're only gonna hurt more than you do now, with an STD to add insult to injury
dont trust him he betrayed you and no behavior on his account should deter you from remembering that

---

Yeah I think that is the hardest part to accept is that his actions show me he doesn't care about me or what happens to me because he truly did he wouldn't have done what he did. It's so hard to believe he could be so heartless. I might have to email him back it will be just so hard on me after hearing him and knowing he doesn't care. :(

He might care but doesn't know what to do about it. That does you no good though. Forget him, see how you feel next year, after you have been good to yourself.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

He might care but doesn't know what to do about it. That does you no good though. Forget him, see how you feel next year, after you have been good to yourself.

---

A year huh? Boy do I have a long way to go with this :( well I was a chicken and played it safe just replied to the email no mention of how miserable. I am I agree he doesn't deserve to know. He does want me to feed our/his pet. I don't mine I even asked to take him home with for the weekend so he's not alone. It will feel so weird when I'm all moved out.

What was your relationship like most of the time before this downward slide took place?
Were there a lot of dealbreaker prob's or just the regular relationship ups & downs? Did he tell you to move or were you the one that wanted to leave? Has he apologized at all?

I know you're in the hell stage right now but if he's not even checking to see how you are doing, that's not a good sign. Sure, he may still come to his senses & beg your forgiveness but is he really going to be worth going through all the recovery chaos with him?

Or would you be better off starting fresh with someone that will value & cherish you all the time that will not be triggering you with thoughts of his cheating?

It is possible that he will want to come back to you, the real question is whether that is really what you want or what's best for you?

You are smart to limit your contact with him while you are vulnerable & still so newly raw with all that's happened. I think you are doing a great job dealing with this the way you are, strong & determined not to let him keep hurting you. That's a great start to a better life than you've had with him in a long time.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BetrayalBtCamp

What was your relationship like most of the time before this downward slide took place?
Were there a lot of dealbreaker prob's or just the regular relationship ups & downs? Did he tell you to move or were you the one that wanted to leave? Has he apologized at all?

I know you're in the hell stage right now but if he's not even checking to see how you are doing, that's not a good sign. Sure, he may still come to his senses & beg your forgiveness but is he really going to be worth going thru all the recovery chaos with him?

Or would you be better off starting fresh with someone that will value & cherish you all the time that will not be triggering you with thoughts of his cheating?

It is possible that he will want to come back to you, the real question is whether that is really what you want or what's best for you?

You are smart to limit your contact with him while you are vulnerable & still so newly raw with all that's happened. I think you are doing a great job dealing with this the way you are, strong & determined not to let him keep hurting you. That's a great start to a better life than you've had with him in a long time.

---

For the most part lots of normal ups and downs. I think the worst part and final straw was when my mother got ill this time last year with cancer. I was home less taking care of her and trying to do my best to be there for him. This happened over a span of 3months then she passed away. Then a few months later my uncle who was sick before my Mom passed away. He was there by my side through it all. I thought he could understand that the things I was going through were hard but I really thought he would continue to stick by my side. For the most part he was honest with me about things that is the only reason why I'm having a hard time just being outright crazy mad. I have a feeling that terrible time last year (and all the stuff to this day I've had to deal with estate wise for my Mom) and my work schedule has a lot to do with his straying as well. My work schedule changes a lot and so it gave him this big gap to be bored and start emailing this girl who was in the same boat her husband was at work during this emailing at times too. I see things from both sides and it's not making excuses for him we are both selfish in our own ways I just thought I deserved more of a break because of all I'd been through. I think he was disappointed in me too because I didn't follow through with some of my goals. I wasn't there for him as much as he needed and I let him down. So he decided to fill the void when the chance came. I'm grappling with the thought "is he worth it" ? He told me I could stay as long as I needed but how could I stay knowing what was going on between them. He would not have stopped unless they got caught which they did but I just really felt it was best for me to leave. I don't like being somewhere I'm not wanted. I had to put up with that treatment since May this year on and off from him and I hated it. Now I know why. He hasn't asked how I am since I left but like I said he is so selfish after getting caught I'm sure all he is feeling is self pity. He lost the girl he was chasing and me... now what? He's good at holding in his feelings and I'm sure he's drinking more than ever (which I warned him he shouldn't before I left). Lastly he did say he was sorry and by being "nice" to me the last couple of days I was there I think was his way of showing he cared. At this point I think we both have issues to work out so I am no longer concerned with him coming back or not. I'm taking all your good advice and focusing on me and my life. I can't put that on hold just to end up never having him come back. I feel deep down inside he is done with me especially since he hasn't asked how I am doing. I'm proud of myself when I emailed him about moving arrangements I kept it short and sweet and no whining about how I truly feel. He may never deserve to know my true feelings anymore. A great start to a better life than I had with him... I like that, that will be my goal. Our life wasn't that great at times and I think I can focus on his short comings now that the shock has subsided some.

Quote:

---

I can't put that on hold just to end up never having him come back. I feel deep down inside he is done with me especially since he hasn't asked how I am doing. I'm proud of myself when I emailed him about moving arrangements I kept it short and sweet and no whining about how I truly feel. He may never deserve to know my true feelings anymore.

---

The real issue wouldn't be his coming back, they often do. It's whether the relationship would be worth the immense effort it would take to get & stay on the right track. If he comes back but wants to stay selfish, your life with him would still be an unneeded ordeal. Fighting for a relationship is only going to work if it's worth it to both. You should be proud of yourself for standing strong for yourself!

And you are absolutely right that he may never deserve to know your true feelings again. There is no point in sharing them with someone that doesn't care or will only use them to manipulate you or for their selfish advantage instead of being there for you.

At least he is being civil, that will make it easier for you to get your things in order as you need to in disentangling your lives. Hopefully that will continue. It's difficult enough to deal with such a drastic unplanned change as it is, no point in having it be any harder than it already is if fighting can be avoided.

I'm sorry you have had to go through so much with the loss of your mom & uncle, then have this happen to top such a terrible time off.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cantbelieveit

My ex and the girl he was cheating with got caught. I had posted asking if I should tell because I knew and her husband didn't. Her husband found out I guess like I did cell phone and emails. I'm just amazed at how fast it happened you guys were right I didn't have to do anything. They have stopped contact with each other and now I'm wondering what's going on with my ex. Does he think it was worth it to lose me and not get her? It's only been a few days since I moved out and I still have to go pick up and move out the rest of my stuff this weekend but he won't be there. We actually left off on good terms largely due to me not letting my anger and feelings of betrayal take over and him not knowing just how much of their secrets I knew. The last couple of days after I told him I was leaving we hung out, it wasn't exactly all happiness but it was us being friendly. The day I was leaving he gave me a hug and a kiss and I told him I would miss him and I loved him, that made him sad. I still have feelings for him after all I know. I'm wondering if we'd ever be friends or talk like we used to after all this, how will I know if this is even possible? I left on Monday and they stopped contact yesterday, so everything is so new. Is it self destructive to want to tell him I'd like to talk. Is it too soon to want to talk to him because he is probably going through some crazy emotions after all he's done (or maybe not who knows). I feel deep down inside since he had cheated he is done with me. I feel sad that he may not be thinking of me at all, maybe more sad the girl didn't leave her husband for him (I think he really might of thought this). I have to contact him to arrange for moving the rest of my stuff out. If he is cold which I am guessing he will be it is going to kill me. From everything I've found out they were both unhappy in their relationships and sought out a fantasy thing between themselves. Even if they ended up together they would have seen the grass isn't greener on the other side. I just wonder why my ex would put all that effort into that girl instead of us? He said he was going to try to work on us and was working on them. I feel like if he was willing to work on our relationship all the things he was trying to create with her he should have done for me. The first time we were going to split was right about after their fling began. So if he got rid of me to be with her and now that they have gotten caught and she chose to try to work out her marriage instead of my ex do you think he thought it was all worth it? I guess I want him to be guilty. I think he was caught up in the excitement of it all and was attracted to her before he met me so now that she was unhappy in her marriage they had this affair. I try to not think of about things but right now it is eating away at me still. I wish I could just get the angry stage and want to be mad at him but I'm just hurt and missing him. When I call him to arrange moving my stuff should I initiate conversation or just keep it simple just date/ time that's it? Should I let him know I miss him and want to know what he's going through or is that stupid? In my fantasy world I wish he was thinking he made the wrong choice and see that I was right for him. I want him to come back to me but the scary part is what he if he doesn't? I'm so confused by my irrational thinking:(

---

I am so sorry what you are going through. Maybe one day you can be friends with him but right now your emotions are still raw, it will not be possible. When you talk to him talk about the logistics only. Even if you guys end up back together again, how will you know for sure he will not cheat on you again. The trust is broken and can't be mended. My advise for you is to move on.

I think it best you leave him alone completely and don't worry about the why's and ifs. It is oblivious that he didn't value your relationship nor his friend friendship and like you stated he had no intentions on stopping and would not have if you did not catch him, wh means he felt no guilt. Instead of running to someone else, if he wanted the relationship to work with you he should have made an effort. At this point you owe him nothing but your azz to kiss.

If you was to take him back you will always question him. Trust has been destroy and hard to gain back. What happens if your work schedule change again, he going find someone else and your going relive the hurt and pain again. If he wanted your relationship to work he would not have continue to have an on going affair but at least would have stop after the first encounter, not to make any excuses, but he did not do that so that's shows how much he cares and respect he has.

Your better off without him and you continue healing and stop worring about his feelings and focus on your. In a few months you will realize how much better off your are without him.

Now I'm going to have problems getting money he owes me. We agreed to split things I left and he's saying he can't have the money for a couple of weeks. Last night I send him a list of everything and the amount and I wanted him to leave a check and my mail before he leave today for the weekend. He emails back he doesn't have it and does this game he gave me offset anything? I'm being so fair about this I could rail him if I wanted to, I'm only asking for half the rent too which my Dad thinks I should get it all back after everything he has done. And half of three other things I'm leaving behind. He gave me wii fit I thought as a gift (and since I use it more than he does) now he's saying that was worth so much money would that offset anything? What?? I want to tell him "yeah it offsets all the gas, time and money that I am having to go through moving because of you and all the inconvenience you are causing me and my family. Not to mention the lies and cheating he has been doing. What a loser! I haven't emailed him back I don't know how to respond civilly I just want to unload on him. What to do..

If the thing are not worth much, let him have it or take it. If it is, and you seriously want your money, go to civil court. Did he give you a time frame of when is would have the money?

There are no short term solutions to the division of property between splitting couples, when there is a conflict, and strongly advise letting it go until a time the emotional dust has settled. Any distraction now can really hinder you healing and moving forward.

Please know that division of property are best settle by lawyers with married couples and small claims court with civil unions.

At this time, when your both so PO'd, I don't think a reasonable conclusion can be reached. An agreed upon third party may help, after a cooling off period.

As you see this will take a while. For NOW, walk away, and leave him alone.