Hello,
I just need to know if I am making a good decision by keeping my 10 mon. olds real father out of his life. About 2 yrs. Ago , I had an affair, I became pregnant. A paternity test was done stating that my husband was not the father. The real father wants me to leave my husband & live with him. I have a 8 yr. old daughter with my husband, she doesn't want me to leave. My husband has raised my son as his own for 10 months now. I don't want my son going back & forth. Sometimes I feel that it is better to stay & have my husband raise him other times, I feel it is best to leave. I worry that my son will resent me & my husband may not treat him right when he is older. He treats him very good now. As far as the other man goes, I don't like change, & I don't want to make a decision that I will regret in the long run. Sometimes I feel that he wants me more than he wants our son. This is just a feeling. Please, I know this is a really bad situation, however, I need all the help that I can get, considering the fact that there are children involved.
:(
Kat

Does your husband know it is not his? I assume yes.

Who do you love?

Who will raise your kids the best?

Who can you grow old with?

ALSO: read this thread. She has made some bad decisions herself...
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-240002.html

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I don't want to make a decision that I will regret in the long run.

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That's so scary, as you have already made a bad decision when you cheated, and now your wondering what should you do next?

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I need all the help that I can get, considering the fact that there are children involved.

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Not to be harsh but you put every ones happiness and stability in dire jeopardy with your actions and now the consequences as this guy who you cheated with can be in his child's life while the good guy husband takes care of it all.

Leave the other guy alone, and hope your husband can forgive you. How dare you even think of doing further harm, for some purely selfish reasons.

Just curious, WHAT MADE YOU CHEAT IN THE FIRST PLACE???

Stop playing games with your family. You have a husband and two children. You are a family.

There is no reason, NONE AT ALL, for you to warrant breaking up the family for one child on the off chance your good husband might not be always be good.

You don't want your son going back and forth, but you'd break up your family and then your daughter would have to do the same thing?

I'm sorry, but you're being a lunatic with your reasoning. Just stop it, stop it all.

Your kids, BOTH OF YOUR KIDS, and your husband, already have a home and family. Pull your head out of the clouds, keep your legs locked around other men from now on and BE A GOOD WIFE AND MOTHER. Just do it. All of these people love you, so you're not losing anything by loving them back!

Stop all this back and forth in your mind and in your life. None of this is about you, your family is supposed to be the center of your universe, not your cheating heart. Put that thing away forever and work with your man to give all of you the life you promised you would.

I agree, there was no reason to cheat at all! Your husband, who has stuck by your side thus far, has already accepted the child as his own. What more could you want? You want to leave this, sounds like a perfect guy, husband and your daughter to be with this man? To know you are even thinking of this makes me wonder if you are in love with your husband.

Second thing, if you do chose to leave, be prepared to lose your daughter. Going through the court system right now and cheaters/family abandoners are HIGHLY unlikely to get custody, you may get visitation. Just something to think about.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Thats so scary, as you have already made a bad decision when you cheated, and now your wondering what should you do next?

Not to be harsh but you put every ones happiness and stability in dire jeopardy with your actions and now the consequences as this guy who you cheated with can be in his child's life while the good guy husband takes care of it all.

Leave the other guy alone, and hope your husband can forgive you. How dare you even think of doing further harm, for some purely selfish reasons.

Just curious, WHAT MADE YOU CHEAT IN THE FIRST PLACE???

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To answer the question of what made me cheat in the first place, my husband & I were not getting along at all, my father had just died of cancer, I was having a really hard time dealing with it, he died a very horrible death. My husband has a real hard time with emotions. I have no problem showing my emotions. To be honest, I don't think he would cry at my funeral, even if I didn't cheat. I feel he's very insensitive. At the time I was working at my sisters new icecream shop "that she named after my DAD', my whole family was against my husband at this time, only for the simple fact that he would always say ignorant things to me & about my family. He hated my family. The only one he really liked was my father. We never get any time to work things out, considering he works 12 hr. swing shift. That's another thing, I married him before he worked these crazy hrs. When he applied for the job, before we got married, I explained to him that I would never be happy not ever seeing him. We were sure that he wasn't get the job until after we were married, he took the job, & everything went done hill since then. I have been married now for 10 yrs.
About 2 yrs ago I met this other guy at my sisters shop, he was very understanding & talked with me about how he dealt with his grandfather & grandmother dying. He was very comforting to me. Don't get me wrong, I know what I did was wrong, I just had a very weak moment. I wasn't really happy at all, & it happened. There is really nothing that I can do about it now but try to make better decisions & try to work out our marriage.
Thanks for your answers,
Kat

And your husband has forgiven you??

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Stop playing games with your family. You have a husband and two children. You are a family.
[Ok, as far as playing games with my family, my husband should have thought of that before he was not there for me after my father died of a very horrible death, "CANCER"!
Also maybe he should have thought of his family, & not be away from them working 12 hr swing shift, which I told him before we got married not to take a job such as this, for the simple fact that we would never see eachother. I also explained that if he had this job before we got married , I would have never considered dating him. Oh, believe me there's more, I just don't have time to tell you.
There is no reason, NONE AT ALL, for you to warrant breaking up the family for one child on the off chance your good husband might not be always be good.
Alright, sometimes I think my daughter would be better off if she wasn't with her father, this man has no emotion, doesn't understand emotions, & wouldn't cry at our funerals, he is like a robot.
You don't want your son going back and forth, but you'd break up your family and then your daughter would have to do the same thing?
I don't want my son going back & forth, however, my family hasn't been much of a family for 10 yrs. now. My daughter would probably be better off.
I'm sorry, but you're being a lunatic with your reasoning. Just stop it, stop it all.
"Being a Lunatic!" My whole family tells me to leave my husband & go with the other guy. So do you see now why the decision is so hard for me. Hello! Maybe you should have known a little more about the situation before you opened your mouth.
Your kids, BOTH OF YOUR KIDS, and your husband, already have a home and family. Pull your head out of the clouds, keep your legs locked around other men from now on and BE A GOOD WIFE AND MOTHER. Just do it. All of these people love you, so you're not losing anything by loving them back!
"Pull my head out of the clouds." I wish it was that easy. I may have cheated on my husband & there were very bad consequences to my actions, however when you grow up in a family with allot of fighting, then you marry in to a family where there is nothing but fighting, you tend to want to get out of it, don't you think?
Keep my legs locked around other men! It happened, there is not a damn thing I can do about it now. I don't believe in cheating myself & I don't condone it. As far as being A GOOD WIFE & MOTHER, maybe, just maybe, my husband should try to be a little less of an , have more feelings towards things that matter, make decisions with me , instead of against me, then maybe, I will try harder to be a good wife, Ok.
Stop all this back and forth in your mind and in your life. None of this is about you, your family is supposed to be the center of your universe, not your cheating heart. Put that thing away forever and work with your man to give all of you the life you promised you would.

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"When my husband makes our family the center of his universe, maybe I will do the same." Love is not rude, my husband is very rude. So there you go, I'm almost sure that you are not even close to perfect!

Just because a man doesn't cry, doesn't mean he doesn't care. I lost my uncle and my best friend in the same month(uncle to overdose, friend to street racing) and I didn't shed one tear, not because I didn't love them, I just have grown up putting things inside and being the rock for everyone else. I'm not saying that's what you meant by that statement, but maybe that was his reasoning.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I agree, there was no reason to cheat at all! Your husband, who has stuck by your side thus far, has already accepted the child as his own. What more could you want? You want to leave this, sounds like a perfect guy, husband and your daughter to be with this man? To know you are even thinking of this makes me wonder if you are in love with your husband.
" I Agree nobody should ever Cheat & in no way do I Condone it." My husband is not even close to the perfect guy, he's rude to everyone who knows him. He talks bad about my family & his own. He can be very ignorant to my daughter, which is his own, he also gets very upset with my 10 month old son. I do love him , sometimes I ask my self why? My whole family wants me to get away from him.
Second thing, if you do chose to leave, be prepared to lose your daughter. Going through the court system right now and cheaters/family abandoners are HIGHLY unlikely to get custody, you may get visitation. Just something to think about.

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As far as losing my daughter, we are not going to take this to court. We have an agreement on how much he would give me for child support & where we will live. My husband works 12 hr. swing shift, he wouldn't be there enough for our daughter to gain custody. I will definitely get custody of my daughter if I leave. He doesn't even have help from his family , since he won't have anything to do with his family. He grew up watching his father & mother drinking all the time, going to bars. His father beat his mother in front of him, telling him , this is how you should treat a woman, any questions?

If your going to tell us something about him do so. You knew about him when you got married, so give us the insights we need to understand, why your unhappy enough to cheat.

I see this all the time unfortunately: bad childhood=bad adulthood.

The dysfunctional process we learn as kids makes us repeat dysfunction as adults. Your husband has this issue and so do you. For the sake of the kids I would seek a good pro counselor you can afford for 6 months and take whomever you plan to live your life with. (husband, no one, boyfriend)
Your kids deserve a healthy mom.

Good luck...

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Originally Posted by Ash123

does your husband know it is not his? i assume yes.
Yes, My husband knew it could be a possibility from the begining of my pregnancy. I always tell my husband the truth no matter how bad it is. My mother tells me that I tell my husband too much, I disagree. I believe in the truth. I was very scared to tell him. I just couldn't live with what I did. He knew we were having problems. Everyone has something that they are not very proud of, maybe not to this degree, I think you get the idea. Some people don't have a conscience after they've done something wrong, & keep the truth from the other person, thats not me. I will deal with the consequences no matter what they are. It's not always easy.

who do you love?
I do love my husband, however, he has never been a very compassionant man. He can be very cold, even before the cheating. He lacks emotions. So sometimes it is hard to love him. I do love him more than the other guy.
who will raise your kids the best?
That I really don't know. I don't really agree with the way my husband has helped with raising my 8 yr. old daughter. He yells allot, and can be down right mean. We both came from abusive back grounds. I try to not do the same as my father did to me. My husband sometimes scares me to how far he will take it with punishing my daughter, so I worry on how he will raise my son. The other man, I was told, was very good with his children, however he has a hard time with them when they are rebellous. I think he has more patience though. I'm not the perfect parent either.
who can you grow old with?
I look to the future, thinking about growing older with my husband, & see a very empty life sometimes. I don't see my husband as much as I should & he doesn't really talk allot to me. However, when he is mad, you will know it. As far as the other guy, he would be less possesive, he has no problem running out of things to say & he's very witty. I just don't like his temper. He often says things that are very hurtful when he is mad, which causes doubt in my mind. Other than that he'd do anything for anybody. He's very funny!
Thanks for your questions, they do help, however, I may regret my decision either way.

ALSO: read this thread. she has made some bad decisions herself.....
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-240002.html

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I will get back to you, thanks for your help. I hope all is well with you.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

If your going to tell us something about him do so. You knew about him when you got married, so give us the insights we need to understand, why your unhappy enough to cheat.

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Yes, I should have been more detailed. I didn't want to bore you to death, I just wanted some help on what direction to take. I do love my husband, I'm just hurt. I was told by someone that my husband my throw it in my sons face when he is older that he's not his real father. I COULD NOT HANDLE THAT! Also, I was told that my son would resent me if he couldn't see his real father until he was 18. I don't want to hurt my family even more than they already have been hurt. I don't want to lose my son. Thanks for getting back to me .

The focus should be on the problems you face now, and not the future. Kids deserve a happy, caring, nurturing, upbring to prepare them for the future, and as you have said your husband is treating him well right now, so that's what counts, so you both can focus on regaining the bond you had before, and work together to mend the fences, you both may have neglected. Living well NOW, with love and honesty, and being willing to work together to solve your problems, will go along way in making a better future.

A professional can very well guide you through this process, if your both willing, and is a highly recommended step.

We never get bored with details, they help paint a picture we can help you with.

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Originally Posted by kathym72

To answer the question of what made me cheat in the first place, my husband & I were not getting along at all, my father had just died of cancer, I was having a really hard time dealing with it, he died a very horrible death. My husband has a real hard time with emotions. I have no problem showing my emotions. To be honest, I don't think he would cry at my funeral, even if I didn't cheat. I feel he's very insensitive. At the time I was working at my sisters new icecream shop "that she named after my DAD', my whole family was against my husband at this time, only for the simple fact that he would always say ignorant things to me & about my family. He hated my family. The only one he really liked was my father. We never get any time to work things out, considering he works 12 hr. swing shift. That's another thing, I married him before he worked these crazy hrs. When he applied for the job, before we got married, I explained to him that I would never be happy not ever seeing him. We were sure that he wasn't get the job until after we were married, he took the job, & everything went done hill since then. I have been married now for 10 yrs.
About 2 yrs ago I met this other guy at my sisters shop, he was very understanding & talked with me about how he dealt with his grandfather & grandmother dying. He was very comforting to me. Don't get me wrong, I know what I did was wrong, I just had a very weak moment. I wasn't really happy at all, & it happened. There is really nothing that I can do about it now but try to make better decisions & try to work out our marriage.
Thanks for your answers,
Kat

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Ok, honestly? I was going to give you a very niced-up response to your original question simply because... well, that's me... but then I read this.

Just because your father died of cancer does not give you ANY right to cheat on your husband. I was offended by your rationale in this post response. My father died of tongue cancer... I literally watched his tongue fall off, have to put a trache in so he could breathe, deal with the fact that I couldn't have that 'last talk' with him because he COULDN'T talk, watched him literally waste away (to the point of his hair falling out in chunks, being stick thin, and, oh yes, losing his tongue).

I'm sorry, but you cannot say the fact that your father died a horrible death from cancer gives you the right to go to some other man for comfort. These times are supposed to bring your family closer, not drive you to an affair.

That being said... the problem was the lack of communication in your marriage. That's a given. Communication goes both ways.

And, your statement in your original post "my 8 year old daughter doesn't want me to leave"... why does your 8 year old daughter even have the burden of trying to make this decision? She is an innocent victim in all of this... it should not have involved her. Yes, you had an affair, yes, she has a sibling from another man, but the fact that she has said "Mommy, don't leave" is very sad.

I agree with the above posters, heal your marriage. Because you ARE in danger of losing your daughter... courts don't look highly on messy affairs.

I'm sorry for the obvious anger, it was highly offended at your rationale for your affair. Be honest with yourself, your husband, and your heart. Don't give up the chance to fix your marriage and turn it into a success story because the father of your second child asks you to.

Be a success story - you have it in you to conquer this and have an awesome, fulfilling marriage... it will take work, but the possibility is there.

I do wish you the best of luck. I hope that you're able to overcome the obstacles and have your "happily ever after."

The past is the past and you know you can't change bad decisions. Having been cheated on by two previous big loves, I don't take kindly to those who stray. Having about lost my mind when my grandfather, my father figure, died, I know how easy it is to make really bad decisions. I didn't cheat, but I was an idiot for over a year.

So... you are where you are and you are here to get help understanding what you should do.

Well... you don't feel emotional balance with your husband, he is too absent from your life both physically and mentally, and you are worried about your children's feelings.

I'm all for doing the hard work to save a marriage, but unless you really want it and unless you both can open up and openly talk things through, there isn't much of a future other than you both being the parents of a child. Whether its counseling or you both slogging it out together, the time is now. If you are done, he deserves a chance to move on sooner than later. If you are done, I don't see why you should stay.

The young boy will most likely not resent you whatever you choose. It's a mess no matter what, but its one that can be weathered, even if its not convenient for you, your husband, or the boys father.

The child is not reason enough to leave for the other man. The daughter is not reason enough to stay with your husband. You own the decision to stay or leave and it doesn't come down to what is best for the child. As a father I understand you make decisions and sacrifices for your children, but ultimately it is your decision. It has nothing to do with the potential resentment of a future 18 year old or the current stress of an 8 year old. Once you make the choice, its all yours.

So... the lover you would be with offers an emotional connection that your husband doesn't have with you. What is his history? He slept with a married woman, we know that. Why believe what you had with him isn't just the thrill and excitement of the chase... learning about and knowing that new person?

Honestly... if you leave your husband, it should be for you. Not for the other man. Time away from both might be what you need to understand where you stand.

"I had a hard life growing up"
"My father died of cancer"
"I grew up in a house with a lot of fighting"
"I'm almost sure you are not even close to perfect"

(chuckle) The greatest litany of rationalizations today. My harsh answer to every one of those statements is "So what!?"

None of those things excuse what you've done NOR what you're considering doing.

I'm not trying befriend you, I'm taking time to openly discuss a perspective on your situation you may not see yet. If you disagree, fine. Just be honest in the disagreement. We don't need to believe your "reasonings", but you absolutely must.

It doesn't matter if I'm imperfect or your husband is a workaholic. It doesn't. Right and wrong aren't based on either one of these things.

You can stay and work it out, but you can't work it out using the approaches you've been using. Counseling is fine, even if you go alone, just make sure you are focusing on you. You can't change him. He has to be inspired to do that on his own by what he experiences in his world, and right now YOU are in the most influential position. You inspire him by doing better yourself and committing to and supporting him.

Yeah, I know it's hard. But you don't wait for him to "center his universe" on the family before you do it. You do it first. You do it first. You mean it.

And you stop fighting him. If he wants to fight, let him, let him fight alone. He may stop fighting with you all the time if he realizes you don't want to communicate that way anymore.

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

Ok, honestly? I was going to give you a very niced-up response to your original question simply because.... well, that's me.... but then I read this.

Just because your father died of cancer does not give you ANY right to cheat on your husband. I was offended by your rationale in this post response. My father died of tongue cancer... I literally watched his tongue fall off, have to put a trache in so he could breathe, deal with the fact that I couldn't have that 'last talk' with him because he COULDN'T talk, watched him literally waste away (to the point of his hair falling out in chunks, being stick thin, and, oh yes, losing his tongue).

I'm sorry, but you cannot say the fact that your father died a horrible death from cancer gives you the right to go to some other man for comfort. These times are supposed to bring your family closer, not drive you to an affair.

That being said..... the problem was the lack of communication in your marriage. That's a given. Communication goes both ways.

And, your statement in your original post "my 8 year old daughter doesn't want me to leave".... why does your 8 year old daughter even have the burden of trying to make this decision?? She is an innocent victim in all of this... it should not have involved her. Yes, you had an affair, yes, she has a sibling from another man, but the fact that she has said "Mommy, don't leave" is very sad.

I agree with the above posters, heal your marriage. Because you ARE in danger of losing your daughter... courts don't look highly on messy affairs.

I'm sorry for the obvious anger, it was highly offended at your rationale for your affair. Be honest with yourself, your husband, and your heart. Don't give up the chance to fix your marriage and turn it into a success story because the father of your second child asks you to.

Be a success story - you have it in you to conquer this and have an awesome, fulfilling marriage... it will take work, but the possibility is there.

I do wish you the best of luck. I hope that you're able to overcome the obstacles and have your "happily ever after."

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Ok, first of all I would never cheat because my father died of cancer. It ended up happening because my husband can be an inconsiderate jerk at times. I really needed him to be there for me. He was angry at me for working at my sisters new shop named after my Dad, he had disrespect for not only my daughter & I , but everybody in my family & his own. We fought all the time. He couldn't understand that I thought it was important to help my sister with her new shop & make some extra money. We were only living on his income alone before this. He never wanted me to work. He wants complete control of me. Understand, I never think anybody should cheat. It happened, there is nothing that I can do about it now. I would like to seek some counseling, my husband refuses to do so. He says that they always blame the parents. In some cases the parents are to blame. Hopefully my family will get stronger, rather than weaker because of the decisions that I've made. I just don't want my son to hate me when he is older for not having his real Dad in his life. I'm hoping we will get through this.

Your decisions in this situation should not be based on what's best for you, but what's best for your children. As a mother, they're your primary concern and you should always put them before yourself.