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Hi,

So I am new to this site... just looking for some advice and anyone who can lend an honest opinion about my situation. I have been dating this guy for about 4 months (we've known each other for a year)... and I am absolutley crazy about him and falling in love with him. The thing is, I cannot read him at all. He keeps his feelings very close to the cuff so to speak, and I don't get much feedback from him about our relationship. He comes to see me a lot, and he is affectionate with me but as far as our "status" and if he is crazy about me... well I haven't got a clue! He is in the military and I honestly think that affects how open you are with someone verbally. I don't know... his actions says he cares about me, but when is the right time to say "hey, are you feeling the way i'm feeling?". I don't want to be one of those clingy girls and push him away... I mean, his friends refer to me as his girlfriend. It's just frustrating not to know where you stand. Should I just ask him??

Just accept things as they are. He just may not be into classifying and labeling everything.
If he wasn't into you he wouldn't come to see you a lot.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Just accept things as they are. He just may not be into classifying and labeling everything.
If he wasn't into you he wouldn't come to see you alot.

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Yea I think you're right about the labeling.. it's not so much that. Literally, he gives me no feedback whatsoever on how he feels about me, nada lol. I don't need constant reaasurance, but I need something! It's true, actions do spaek louder than words, and he does come to see me a lot... it's just that sometimes I find myself getting insecure wondering where is this going since he never tells me how he feels...

Hi there,

Hoping some of you can give me advice. I've been dating a guy for about 5 months and thought things were going fairly well. We saw each other often, he would come and stay with me on the weekends for the entire weekend, and I went to his home state a few months back and met some of his family. I've known him now for about a year, because we met right before he got deployed to Iraq and kept in touch within that time.

Anyway, I had been crazy about this guy for a long time and when he came back from deployment, it seemed like he really wanted a relationship wth me. We became closer, I met all of his friends and they even referred to me as his girlfriend. But now, in the last few weeks he has really pulled back from me and has been so distant. For the past 2 weekends in a row, he disappears and has not come to see me and doesn't call me for a few days. When I ask him about it, he says he is very stressed and has a lot on his mind, and has been doing a lot of "thinking".

I try to give him his space and not interrogate him, but he is completely closed off and won't talk to me about where we stand or how he feels about me. So now, here I am again ths weekend not knowing where he is, or when I will speak to him again because he has again pulled a disappearing act and won't call me. And I don't want to be the one calling and texting him, as I think that will seem needy and desperate. I'm so hurt! I really am good to him and care for him so much, but he is treating me like crap! I don't deserve this, and just don't know what to do. A big part of me says to just cut him off, ignore him. I've told him that it bothers me when he does this.

But my heart is involved, and I am so confused. I know I deserve better than this... how to stop caring about him? Please someone help... it hurts so much and I feel like this is his way of breaking up wth me. Only when I do back off, he starts to come forward again. What should I do?? Very sad.

Sorry for your pain, but for whatever reason, he is not being a very kind suitor, or b/f. Actions speak louder than words, so backing off is what you need to do, and if his actions are any indication of his feelings, moving on is recommended. Click on my signature links, for some good suggestions along those lines.

As long as you keep making yourself available when he wants you to his behavior will never change, if your eyes are not glue shut you should observe his actions and just open your mouth and talk and find out how he truthly feel about you because you shouldn't allow him to do this to you. He only does what you allow, you said you love him but you should love yourself more and then you won't let someone walk over you. Never let anyone treat you like this because if he even care about you he wouldn't be doing what he do to you.

My advice he just have one good last talk with him and stand by what you say. If he can't accept it then move on. Never put someone first and your not even first with in their life and when you back off don't let in back into your life and don't love someone when the feelings not mutal, you deserve better and once you get that in your head you will allow a guy to walk over you.

Also, if you continue down this path you will never heal and your feelings for him will only grow.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Sorry for your pain, but for whatever reason, he is not being a very kind suitor, or b/f. Actions speak louder than words, so backing off is what you need to do, and if his actions are any indication of his feelings, moving on is recommended. Click on my signature links, for some good suggestions along those lines.

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Thank you for our kind reply. No he is not being a good boyfriend at all, makes me wonder if this is his way of breaking it off with me. The thing is, when I back off, he seems to come forward. What do you suggest I say to him if/when he contacts me again?

Tell him to leave you alone, better yet, don't answer his calls. This back and forth game ,is not a loving caring nurturing relationship, and don't you want and deserve more than just games? Basically, you stop playing his game, and start loving yourself more than you supposedly love him. You really don't need him, or his games to be happy, do you?

Being a former military child and later a military wife, and now have a brother in Iraq, I have a different viewpoint.

You said he has changed since his deployment.. this to me, is a key point. He has experienced things that have changed him drastically, and to me, this is understandable. When in a war-zone you see and do things that others without similar experience cannot even imagine. And it is hard on those close to understand.

Honey, he might never change and you might never be happy together again, but if you do decide to talk to him again and if he still has feelings for you, ask him to seek professional help. If he agrees and wants to try building a relationship with you, it would tremendously help if you joined in some therapy sessions to understand and learn how to cope, or make the choice of not wanting to cope with his past.

There is truth in the saying ''War is Hell'' and he's gone through it. Now, it's up to you to accept that and support him or not.

Good luck dear - please keep us posted.


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif
It is hard for some women to live with a soldier, cop, or fireman because of the dangers they go through and have to live with - and still try to have a 'passively normal' life.

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Originally Posted by Lilyloo

Hi there,

Hoping some of you can give me advice. I've been dating a guy for about 5 months and thought things were going fairly well. We saw each other often, he would come and stay with me on the weekends for the entire weekend, and I went to his home state a few months back and met some of his family. I've known him now for about a year, bc we met right before he got deployed to Iraq and kept in touch within that time.

Anyway, i had been crazy about this guy for a long time and when he came back from deployment, it seemed like he really wanted a relationship wth me. We became closer, I met all of his friends and they even referred to me as his gf. But now, in the last few weeks he has really pulled back from me and has been so distant. For the past 2 weekends in a row, he disappears and has not come to see me and doesn't call me for a few days. When i ask him about it, he says he is very stressed and has alot on his mind, and has been doing alot of "thinking".

I try to give him his space and not interrogate him, but he is completely closed off and won't talk to me about where we stand or how he feels about me. So now, here I am again ths weekend not knowing where he is, or when I will speak to him again because he has again pulled a disappearing act and won't call me. And i don't want to be the one calling and texting him, as I think that will seem needy and desperate. I'm so hurt!! I really am good to him and care for him so much, but he is treating me like crap! I don't deserve this, and just don't know what to do. A big part of me says to just cut him off, ignore him. I've told him that it bothers me when he does this.

But my heart is involved, and I am so confused. I know I deserve better than this....how to stop caring about him? Please someone help...it hurts so much and I feel like this is his way of breaking up wth me. Only when I do back off, he starts to come forward again. What should i do????? Very sad.

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How you doing? See I just got on this website and it's been a real help so far with people helping other people and finding people to relate to. Now I'm having issues with my girlfriend right now because I can't read the minds of women and they confuse me very much at times. Check this out though, I do know guys and know the games they like to play. There are two things that could be at work here. We will start with a bit of a more positive one... I have had friends that have went to Iraq on a few tours and some people just can't handle it. They get over there and are constantly worrying about car bombs, and is this person OK, or is this person an enemy etc. So for some people those things effect your mind and he could have withdrawed into a shell. That is a possibility, it could be a long shot but you would know better than I if he has been effected by what has happened.

The second reason and this is just from a typical guy standpoint is that he has found another person or is not relationship ready. Some guys are cowards when it comes to breaking up and will dodge the question thinking it will just solve itself. Some guys are problem fixers and will be honest with you and just tell you. I don't know how he feels about you but I do know that you care about him so your best thing to do is this. I would do as one of the replies said. Call him and ask him if he has a few minutes to talk to him. Let him know you care about him and that recently his actions have been making you feel unwanted. Try not to get too emotional while talking and keep a calm mind. You want to have the conversation with him and not come off as too clingy and if you start to get really emotional what will happen is your feelings will take over. Guys are pretty much like this, we look at things in a yes/no or we try to reduce things to a yes/no decision. Example, if each date you give someone a hug, and then one date you don't, a guy will be like OK her not giving me a hug is a denial thing, so that's a no answer, so... something is up. See and that's not always the case, you could have did other things during the date like held hands or something like that but with guys it's a reassurance thing. Lol. We over analize things thinking that everything has to be either on or off. So basically I said all that to say this... he is thinking... but he has yes no answers available, what he is thinking about is to either share them or to wait. You can talk to him and just let him know... I'm a big girl and I care about you... and recently you seemed withdrawed if something is bothering you tell me... tell me if you want me... tell me if it's a life issue...
So that way I know because I have been good to you and deserve at least that please. That way if he is a coward and won't admit it he now has a chance and is like cool I can talk to her... or if it's something else maybe he will tell you. At least this way you may get an answer or some type of closure. Anyway I hope this helps and you find the answers you need.

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Originally Posted by theconfusedguy

How you doing? See I just got on this website and it's been a real help so far with people helping other people and finding people to relate to. Now I'm having issues with my girlfriend right now because I can't read the minds of women and they confuse me very much at times. Check this out though, I do know guys and know the games they like to play. There are two things that could be at work here. We will start with a bit of a more positive one....I have had friends that have went to Iraq on a few tours and some people just can't handle it. They get over there and are constantly worrying about car bombs, and is this person ok, or is this person an enemy etc. So for some people those things effect your mind and he could of withdrawed into a shell. That is a possibility, it could be a long shot but you would know better than I if he has been effected by what has happened.

The second reason and this is just from a typical guy standpoint is that he has found another person or is not relationship ready. Some guys are cowards when it comes to breaking up and will dodge the question thinking it will just solve itself. Some guys are problem fixers and will be honest with you and just tell you. I don't know how he feels about you but I do know that you care about him so your best thing to do is this. I would do as one of the replies said. Call him and ask him if he has a few minutes to talk to him. Let him know you care about him and that recently his actions have been making you feel unwanted. Try not to get too emotional while talking and keep a calm mind. You want to have the conversation with him and not come off as too clingy and if you start to get really emotional what will happen is your feelings will take over. Guys are pretty much like this, we look at things in a yes/no or we try to reduce things to a yes/no decision. Example, if each date you give someone a hug, and then one date you don't, a guy will be like ok her not giving me a hug is a denial thing, so that's a no answer, so....something is up. See and that's not always the case, you could of did other things during the date like held hands or something like that but with guys it's a reassurance thing. lol. We over analize things thinking that everything has to be either on or off. So basically I said all that to say this....he is thinking.....but he has yes no answers available, what he is thinking about is to either share them or to wait. You can talk to him and just let him know....I'm a big girl and I care about you....and recently you seemed withdrawed if something is bothering you tell me.....tell me if you want me.....tell me if it's a life issue....
so that way I know because I have been good to you and deserve at least that please. That way if he is a coward and won't admit it he now has a chance and is like cool I can talk to her....or if it's something else maybe he will tell you. At least this way you may get an answer or some type of closure. Anyway I hope this helps and you find the answers you need.

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Thank you... actually he started texting me and calling me late last night. At first didn't answer, but when he called again I picked up. We talked for a little but, with him not really sayng much. He just said I called to say Hi. Then I asked him, "so what is going on with us?". To which he replied, "I dunno, I don't really want to have a serious conversation right now". So I said OK because knew he was at his friends house, and that he was talking in front of them. So a few minutes later, he sends me a text that says... "I'm sorry, but just don't know about us". So I repled, "what do you mean"? And he said that... "I just have too much on my plate right now, I thought I wanted a GF but I've found that i just can't juggle that with all of my problems"... So I tried calling him because I wanted to talk, not text and he wouldn't pick up. Should I just let him be? Very very hurt and confused rght now. Does he not care about me??

If you don't want to read my last post and think, then at least read the first paragraph from theconfusedguy again.. that's probably the 'plate' he is talking about.

Think and then make your choice as to further action and/or contact. If you don't have the patience, then tell him and let him go on with his life.

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Originally Posted by Chery

If you don't want to read my last post and think, then at least read the first paragraph from theconfusedguy again .. that's probably the 'plate' he is talking about.

Think and then make your choice as to further action and/or contact. If you don't have the patience, then tell him and let him go on with his life.

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Hi Chery,

Thanks for your replies... I did read your first post carefully and do agree with it in some ways. There is no way for me to know what effects being deployed has on him, as I am not in the military. I have researched and read some of the possoble effects t may have ona soldier but don't know if it applies to him. I do know I have always tried to be very supportive and there to listen any time he did want to talk with me about the war and being over there. He has been over there twice now, and he says he wants to go back.

He says he hates it on base now where is he stationed, and that is where most of his stress comes from. The thing is, he wouldn't talk to me about most things having to do with the military so I don't really know how much of an impact that had on him. I can only take from what he is doing now. I feel that he has shut me out... he tracked me down last night until I picked up the phone, and then when we did talk he would barely say a word. When I asked him what was going on, he wouldn't say and then ten minutes later he breaks up with me over text message. I thnk that is really harsh, and guess that is why I am so upset. I have been really good to him, and then he does not give me much explanation and won't answer his phone after he sent me the text.. It's all so confusing. I want so bad just to call him and get more answers but that is probably the worst thing I can do. It just really really hurts.

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Should I just let him be? Very very hurt and confused rght now. Does he not care about me??

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Leave him alone, and clear your own confusion, as you don't have the skills to help him. You can pray for him, but getting yourself in order is the goal. That does mean NO CONTACT.

Dear Lily.. sorry that he broke with you through a text. I think this is disrespectful and inappropriate for anyone to do. One should communicate such serious things in life face-to-face.

You have done all you can for him, and if he does not accept this - then there is no more you can do.

His life and attitude towards it is something he will have to deal with - not you.

What you can do is as Tal said, work on your life and your happiness and the things you have control over.
You invested time and effort in this relationship and you deserve acknowledgement for what you sacrificed.
Now, it's time to move on. There is no guarantee how long the healing process will take, but rest assured that we will be here to help you over the bumps and that you are not alone in this.

See some friends, have some fun, and don't accept any more calls or messages from him. He has made his choice and now you make your's and get the balance and peace you need and deserve.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

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Originally Posted by Chery

Dear Lily.. sorry that he broke with you through a text. I think this is disrespectful and inappropriate for anyone to do. One should communicate such serious things in life face-to-face.

You have done all you can for him, and if he does not accept this - then there is no more you can do.

His life and attitude towards it is something he will have to deal with - not you.

What you can do is as Tal said, work on your life and your happiness and the things you have control over.
You invested time and effort in this relationship and you deserve acknowledgement for what you sacrificed.
Now, it's time to move on. There is no guarantee how long the healing process will take, but rest assured that we will be here to help you over the bumps and that you are not alone in this.

See some friends, have some fun, and don't accept any more calls or messages from him. He has made his choice and now you make your's and get the balance and peace you need and deserve.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

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Thanks, I will keep you guys posted. I'm sure will be on here a lot... my moods are all over the place. I keep going back and forth. I get angry, then I start to find myself hoping that maybe he is just confused and will change his mind. Pathetic! I know I shouldn't even want to be with him anymore. Hearing advice from everyone here does help though. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Hi all... thank you for all of your replies... it really helps...

So UPDATE on my situaution: I didn't call or text him at all yesterday, and it was very hard not to. About 9 last night, he texted me that he was in town and did I want him to stop by? So I said, "sure, if you want to.: So he came over, we talked, and basically he told me that he didn't think we would work out long term since he would be moving back to NY (his home) after he gets out of the military. And that he wants to do a lot of things for himself and that would mean seeing me less and he didn't think that would be fair to me. Also, he said since he ddin't see us as being long term that he ddn't want me to waste time with him... blah, blah, blah. All just a bunch of excuses, basically he just doesn't feel strongly for me. I think he cares for me, but I guess not enough to get serious with me. That really hurts very bad and is hard to accept. There are a few years difference between us, so maybe this is where the age difference comes into play. I don't know. So here I am, more upset now that I have seen him because I love him and he doesn't love me. I think he would still see me casually if I wanted to. He basically said that last night. I know I should cut off all contact with him... he doesn't seem to want that. What to do?? More confused than ever... AND he tried to sleep wth me last night!? HELP

Give the devil his due, for being honest, and not lying to get you to bed. The fact is, he would love a friends with benefits situation, and we know you don't want that. Facts are facts, he doesn't care as much as you do, and your disappointed, and hurt, so cutting contact, healing, and moving on, is your best option. I doubt he change his mind, so accept what he has expressed, and let go, and live your life without him in it. Click on the links in my signature, for some excellent suggestions, to help you move on. Sorry for your loss.

Hon, like Tal said, cut your losses with this guy.. being friends with benefits will mess with you so bad and will make your healing process even harder. You deserve to be treated better.. This guy is a jerk for wanting to stick around for just sex and not caring that he broke your heart.. he wants to have his cake and eat it too.. You can't let him have that part of you anymore.. you need to tell him no to the friends with benefits thing and completely cut off contact and heal your heart.. you will find someone better..

Remember this, it takes as long as you've been with someone to get over them, for instance you've been with him for 5 months.. you will need that time to heal.. I know it seems like a lot now, but you can do it, in time you will see that this dude is definitely not right for you and you can look back and see how much you've grown and learned..

Lily.. yes, please do stay on and talk with us any time.

I am not making excuses for him or any other man that cannot commit, but statistics do show that soldiers, police firemen, and even test-pilots have the highest divorce rates. Some due to not being able to communicate the dangerous part of their jobs, some due to not being able to be loyal or 'exclusive'. It might be a mix in thinking that they need to live and experience as much as they can because every day could be their last.

But then, I think that they should be respectful and fair toward those partners that want to get closer and be 'exclusive'.

As I said before, it takes a special kind of woman to accept and tolerate this type of life-style - and if you are not that type, then let him know that friendship with benefits is not for you. At least he was being honest. I truly think he does care for you, but not in the way you want - totally and exclusively. Sorry about that.

This is not just a woman's issue these days. There are male spouses/partners with women in high-risk jobs that have a lot more to cope within this lifestyle too. Some men and women just thrive on this type of adrenalin, but not all can do it long-term.

We all have to choose how much we can cope with or be ready for in a relationship and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting the extra stress level.

I sincerely hope you find the compatible partner to make you happy.

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