As my post implies... I broke down.. (again) and tried to contact. It's been exactly 6 weeks since the break... This occurred yesterday and I first sent a sentimental text (no response... ) Then, about an hour later called and left a message saying that "if this is really it...then I wish you the best. I wish things could have worked out differently, but if it's truly over, I need to move forward. I told him that I was done trying to contact him, that I've done everything I can...and the ball is officially in his court. I said that any future contact will not be from me....and that if this is the end, I wish you well." (Do I really... not so much!! )

Maybe somehow this will give me the "closure" I need? I don't expect to hear back from him... at least not until he realizes that his life is truly awful without me... (obviously he's not there yet!) So maybe... after 6 full weeks... I can really do the NC thing and stick to it.

I read the "What to expect when you get dumped" a lot... and know that I should not beat myself up for faltering (again) and trying to contact. I am really hoping that this will give me the finality to get serious and move on.

BTW... there has been no contact from him since New Year's Day... (a call I didn't answer... ) since that, nothing. I guess I should be grateful. I am still hoping he'll see the light someday... but at the very least for now, I need to get myself together and stop the contact. It is clearly not helping me at all.

Better days are coming? :( :(

Better days won't come if you keep making excuses to contact him. Closure, is nothing more than an excuse to contact him. You got closure when he ended it, he didn't want to be with you for one reason or another. His loss, keep telling yourself that. I hope he doesn't see the light, I hope YOU see the light and move on from this guy

Well you made one last try. Any more then this and you can kiss any dignity you have left goodbye.

Did he break up with you?

Remember, if they broke up with you cause they fell out of love with you there is NOTHING you can do to get them back except hope they want to come back. There are only things you can do to push them away. NC is perfect for making them either heal and move on or make them miss what they can't have... and that's you.

In the mean time just go out and have carefree fun. The best way to get an ex back is using NC and making them see that you have moved on. It almost makes them jealous, and if they are jealous then that is a good sign. Just make it natural don't put on a show, cause anyone can see through that.

The fact that this stuff affects you so deeply isn't necessarily a bad thing. It means you have heart. Give yourself credit for the ability to care so much. But don't give feet to the feelings, that's not helping you.

"No contact since New Years Day...I guess I should be grateful..." Yeah, you should. Frequently there is NOT a clean break and one or both parties keep picking at the scab of your now-defunct relationship. Doing that prolongs everyone's agony.

"I'm still hoping he'll see the light someday...but for now..." Oh dear. Well, at least we know who is doing the scab-picking on this one... or at least who is at risk. It's you, sweetie.

"It's clearly not helping me at all" It's clear to your mind but not your heart. That's why you lead with your heart in relationships, but decide with your mind. You have to step back and reward the behaviors that help you by allowing them, and the one's that don't get the axe.

The ball isn't in his court. There is no ball. The closure you think you need frequently turns in to "I just want him to hurt." You don't REALLY want to be that person. Reward your good behaviors, punish these bad ones (moping, fretting, obsessing) by giving them no part of your ACTIONS.

"Better days are coming?" Of course they are, as long as you're not looking back over your shoulder and keep missing the better days.

Oh Darlin, I'm sorry that you're hurting yet again, but I'm glad that you feel that you have the closure you need.

Now hon, you have your closure. You told him again that you're done. Now really be done.

Don't let him take any more of your present. Your now. You've said what you needed to say, now go on into what can be.

Be strong. Resist the urge to contact him again. You can now say that you are done. You closed the chapter and you're ready to start fresh. That's a wonderful, exciting page to be on.

Keep your chin up, Hurtsalot.

(Hurtsalot... that's not your name, I typed it before I remembered your AMHD handle, Hurtingalot... but you know... Hurtsalot/Camelot/Lancelot... this could work for you. Although, after today, after you decide that you're officially done with this ex, you'll be Conquersalot! :) Cheesy, yes. But, did it make you smile? :D)

Oh, ps, go out and rend The Holiday. Really. It will help. :)

Romefalls,

NC IS in fact the only way to get back someone that has dumped you cause they fell out of love with you. This distance between you two will make the other person see what is missing, and they will see that you haven't tried to win them back and wonder why you haven't. This all goes back to "we all want what we cannot have".

NOW, this will NOT work if the person that dumped you just wanted nothing to do with you and didn't want you in his/her life. This will only work if the person was "borderline" falling in and out of love with you or if they were confused... or even if they were interested in someone else.

NC mixed with vanity and looking amazing will generally make the person that dumped you go "what? why is he/she moving on see easily"

Of course I have tried to use this SAME tactic but failed in the begginning with the frequent calling/IM's... but now that I have been NC for a while I have moved on from her totally.

Well... that's the thing. We have been on a break/broken up for a period of about 3 weeks previously... I do think this time is different however.

I guess I technically broke up with him on New Year's... (I was forced into it by his actions... not because I wasn't still loving him or wanted to break up.) We never actually said the words "We're breaking up..." just the No Contact since then. Hence, my feeling of not having an end.

I truly feel that this was my last attempt. Anything more would be a total shot of whatever dignity I have left. I know in my head it is his loss... but my heart sometimes just can't see it at all.

I want him to hurt... and I believe in Karma. I know he will get his share... but it's still so unfair to be suffering for me... so much. I sometimes really am just a mess... and I don't get it. THIS GUY WAS NO GOOD FOR ME.

I know I will be fine someday? At least I can totally say I have no regrets. I did everything right and TRIED EVERYTHING.

For this I have some peace. His loss. Good luck. He'll never find another me... and one day he'll be sorry for it... even if it's not just yet.

You ask anyone on this forum, NC is strictly for you to heal and move on. Never will you hear any long term people on the forum tell you to go NC to get someone back. That's what I was saying. I thought NC was a tool for bringing someone back until Tal(as much as it hurt to hear) put it bluntly that it is for YOU not them. You do NC for yourself, not to get someone back.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

You ask anyone on this forum, NC is strictly for you to heal and move on. Never will you hear any long term people on the forum tell you to go NC to get someone back. That's what I was saying. I thought NC was a tool for bringing someone back until Tal(as much as it hurt to hear) put it bluntly that it is for YOU not them. You do NC for yourself, not to get someone back.

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Generally it works. Like I said, if the person is left in the dust with you appearing to have moved on without them... then that generally will make them want to cmoe back to you.


Does this always happen? No. Are there exceptions to this rule? Yes. Sometimes it's just... over.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Brandino747

Generally it works. Like I said, if the person is left in the dust with you appearing to have moved on without them.... then that generally will make them want to cmoe back to you.


Does this always happen? No. Are there exceptions to this rule? Yes. sometimes it's just...over.

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You have life and BS, all confused friend, and if your right, show me an example. Thousands of posts on tis forum and no one has done as you say, gotten an ex back through no contact, not even you. Hmm wonder why??

I would agree with you Tal but rep must be spread around ha ha... But you are right, I haven't seen any examples where someone came back after NC

Hurtingalot, Glad you have finally seen the light, my question is if he contacts you will you feel the same as you have written here, or will you pull the scab of your wound off, yet again?? The ball is not in his court, that's false hope, but in your own control.

Its just time to move on. If you don't want to contact him anymore then it shows that you don't want him back, if you do want him back then do talk to him. Sending a message saying that you wish luck for the future is giving the sign that its time to move on, and that's something I did, and now my ex is completely moved on and dating someone else. If you still want them back, talk to them in person, not through text/message/im/call. In person! Then let the emotions go.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You have life and BS, all confused friend, and if your right, show me an example. Thousands of posts on tis forum and no one has done as you say, gotten an ex back thru no contact, not even you. Hmm wonder why???

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I have found out that this is not true, in talking to a friend who was a couples consular for 10 years I asked him if he ever had couples who broke up because one of them did not have stronger feelings than the other, he said yes, and he could recall 5 couples who split up and went their own ways (and did not contact each other) only later for them to see they really did care about the person they left.
He said in all these cases they even dated others, the times they were apart ranged from 6 months to 5 years. And he said he knows 2 of the couples even ended up getting married, and one of those now has 2 kids 3 years later and are doing well.

So it can happen. These people were in NC and they did get back with each other.
While this may not be common it does happen. In my case I have held on for to long and am working on moving on, making myself better in the process, if she comes back someday then I will cross that bridge, if not I will be a better person and hopfully be with someone who treats me great.

The issue here is not what NC is, the issue is what it means to you.

NC is for you. It is for your healing.

If that means that NC ultimately results in you and your ex getting back together, that is what NC is for you.

If NC results in you becoming stronger, better, more independent, more secure in yourself, more addicted to living each moment of your life for yourself, then that is what NC is for you.

But in every case of NC presented, the people that have the most success (re-uniting, re-evaluating, re-learning how to live) are those that go into NC knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that NC is for them. For their benefit. NC cannot be looked at as a means to an end to get an ex back. Because if it is looked at in that light, it is simply another ploy and game.

NC is not a game. It is a desperate attempt by a destroyed heart to heal, to refocus, to grow. It is a way to move on. It is a life-style. It is that "I've had enough." It is a chance to become who you truly are.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

The issue here is not what NC is, the issue is what it means to you.

NC is for you. It is for your healing.

If that means that NC ultimately results in you and your ex getting back together, that is what NC is for you.

If NC results in you becoming stronger, better, more independent, more secure in yourself, more addicted to living each moment of your life for yourself, then that is what NC is for you.

But in every case of NC presented, the people that have the most success (re-uniting, re-evaluating, re-learning how to live) are those that go into NC knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that NC is for them. For their benefit. NC cannot be looked at as a means to an end to get an ex back. Because if it is looked at in that light, it is simply another ploy and game.

NC is not a game. It is a desperate attempt by a destroyed heart to heal, to refocus, to grow. It is a way to move on. It is a life-style. It is that "I've had enough." It is a chance to become who you truly are.

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Very well said.

This might give you the "closure" you need? That's just a big fat excuse for tryingto justify what you did. You NEEDED to contact him and throw any progress you've made out the window in order for you to heal, sure that's why you did it.

Just by the way you write anybody can tell your soooooo attached to him its not even funny, even as you write this will be the last time and blah,blah blah. Also, the N/C thing about not beating yourself up is to a point, eventually you cannot keep relying on that to make what you did seem tolerable. I think what you have succeeded in doing is making things alotmore difficult for yourself, made you seem desperate and needy, and if and when you do become serious about this you will look back with a bit of shame.

I know this sounds mean and un-caring, but it is intended to help. I think we have all been through this, some take longer to understand the truth and the reality of it. Looking back, at least for me, it's the posts that held me accountable for not listening that helped the most, not the ones that said don't worry try again. Perhaps in the beginning you need to hear words of encouragment, but after a while (your case) you either begin trying, listening, learning rather than feeling sorry for yourself or seek your own counsel on such topics.

Get serious this time, if you've read all the posts than re-read them until you get it, do what everyone told youto do and come back here in a couple of months bragging about how over him you are. Who wants someone who won't even return your calls??

Best of luck.

BMI... a little harsh... but thanks for your reply anyway. It seems as though you had the whole NC thing down IMMEDIATELY? That's great for you... Wish I were there.

Bottom line... I know that NC is for me to heal... I know this even more now that I have broken it and feel worse than before I did... I get it. Does NC suck anyway? Yup.
I can ensure you that I am FINISHED trying to contact... I am saving whatever dignity I have left... (thanks for telling me that I seem desperate and needy... that may be true... but whatever the case, I have no regrets in trying everything... even though maybe I shouldn't have.) I can only be me... that's all I have. And by the way... I don't think that I have anything to be shameful about. I did everything I could both during and after the relationship... EVERYTHING. I left no stone unturned... (perhaps at my own expense... but maybe that's what I needed to do anyway.) I have no regrets. I couldn't have been more of me than I was. If that's not enough... or what he wants... AGAIN... HIS LOSS. And I do truly believe that... no matter what.

Maybe I really needed to hit the bottom before I can begin to rise to the top again? I don't know... but I am going to start again... for me this time. I deserve better than this guy, this awful relationship in which I gave far too much with very little in return... I deserve more.

Hopefully, I am really on my way this time.

I appreciate all the support... and I am not going to pick at any more scabs... I PROMISE.

BMI... you can hold me to it. I'll show you too! I am better than all of this drama and suffering... I will survive and be happier than I could have imagined... some day soon?!

Hurting, please don't take the stuff we say as mean. We say it because we have ALL been there, no one gets NC right the first time. I don't care what they say. I tried NC twice before I got it right this time around. Take up a new hobby, something you have wanted to do but never have had the time. Me personally it was taking up Mixed Martial Arts, so I go to the gym and then some MMA training. Do whatever you have wanted that you couldn't do before

ROME... thank you. NC is insanely hard! But I know it's the only way...

BECAUSE... If I keep picking at the scab... I BLEED!! (All over the place... ) Not so good either.

I deserve better... I know it in my head... my heart just has to catch-up... SOON!

I truly am doing my best in all of this... I am seeing a counselor... talking it out (alot)... I have a great network of friends and family support... but heartbreak is truly awful... I wouldn't wish it on anyone... (WELL... that's not true... THERE IS A CERTAIN SOMEONE WHOM I WISH IT ON... can anyone guess?! )

I believe in karma and what is meant to be will be... and all that other good stuff.

I know that I am a good person... at my core. It's just hard when you encounter someone who is just not... (and then fall in love with them too?! Unbearable.)

Live and learn... I am so not done living yet. I know I'll be OK... no matter what. I just hope it is soon! Onward!