Ask Me Help Desk - Very Devistated

Hello all,

I have been reading many many different posts in here cause I have had a horrible breakup and have been to shy to post until now. I really thought I was doing the right thing and I am still but wanted some opinions since many of you are very understanding and seem to know what you are talking about. I kind of have nobody I can talk to and am really hurting. I will give you all a short summay of things:

We have been together for 5 years, however we were involved while I was still married to someone else. So we really have been together for about 2 years just her and I after I got divorced in which I moved in with her.

She said she broke up with me cause she was tired of not moving forward in our relationship, meaning I had not asked her to marry me yet. Which is what we both talked about through this whole time. We had been living together since I got divorced 2 years ago.

It has been 10 1/2 weeks since we broke up.

Since the breakup she and I have only spoken on the phone a handful of times and only weeks later, most of the communication has been in text messages. I have been real good about not texting her, or calling her. At first she wanted to see a therapist but then she changed her mind a week after the breakup and said she wanted to date for a while and figure out what she wanted. She is seeing someone and I am not sure but he may be living with her, all she said was she got a roommate. At first I was upset but tried to be cool and said I think that would be best, then I started to date someone.

Here is a short summary of our relationship. We met while I was still married, I was having problems in my marriage and she became a friend to talk to. Of course it changed and we fell in love. I was wrong for having an affair but couldn't deny my feelings I had for her, we just fit if you know what I mean and I would do anything in the world to make her happy. I got so confused over it all with her and my ex wife but in the end I finally left and got divorced cause I wanted to be with my girlfriend. Now I know I should have not waited for as long as I did to leave my marriage, but I am what you would call a very EMOTIONAL man and that makes it even worse when you have something like this happen. I was a basket case. Anyway, she and I have been on this roller coaster of up and down for way too long. She would not stop with the comparing herself to my ex wife and over and over fought about our relationship. She didn't believe me when I said I left her. My ex wife played the victum WELL and turned most everyone against me, friends and family alike. Used that devil website MYSPACE to cause so much drama. I didn't know what to do, I absolutely have had ZERO contact with my ex wife. I have nothing to say to her I don't love her anymore. My girlfriend still obsesses about her and won't stop with the comparing. I love her and only her. She just can't stop this jealously about my ex wife or for other girls for that matter that don't mean anything to me. I have never cheated on her, however since I cheated on my ex wife WITH her why should she believe me right? I am so dedicated to her and us, but have not been able to show it cause of all the drama with her not truly trusting me.

Up to the point of her breaking up with me, I thought we were doing OK, getting through this and really getting along. However I know she has been distant, still not being as close about us and it has made it worse. Then the big thing happened. Her sister got engaged, they are very close in age only 1 year apart. When that happened my heart sank and I just knew it was just a matter of time. Then 3 days later she broke up with me, kicked me out of her house and said she is done with this relationship. The fight was just a small one and she just wanted to talk about us living apart for a while and starting to date each other again. I had a fit and was like you can't go back to that after all we have been through and it just snowballed out of control into a major fight. I know she just wanted me to marry her and show her how much more she means to me than my ex wife. That was not why I had not asked her. It was over her constantly worrying about my ex wife and not worrying about our relationship.

Now over the past 10 1/2 weeks I have tried some of the advice in different ebooks about how to get her back. I agreed with her and said we needed time apart. I have not called her or text messaged her. She is always the one who contacts me. The first week was bad, I was so upset and couldn't believe she did this. I finally asked her to go see a counsler with me and she agreed. The next week she changed her mind and said she needed time and space to figure out what she wanted. I was so confused. Then the following week I find out she is seeing someone, and was not sure but think he moved in with her. So I just did what the ebook said and didn't contact her. Then 2 weeks later she text messages me how much she misses me and how she loves me and this is killing her, this went on for a few days. We talked on the phone and I totally fall off and get all emotional and start in on my begging. It did no good. She told me I am the love of her life and wants to be with me but now its complicated and she has feelings for someone else now as well. I have been dating someone as well, but don't have feelings for her, she is not my girlfriend and my girlfriend says this guy is not me. I told her I wanted to marry her and I would drop everything if she would just give us another chance. She got like she has been usually and was all like I need a few days to think this over. That was 3 weeks 2 days ago. I have not contacted her or been obsessed to even try to get anything out of this. However I have been going out of my mind in private and am so confused on what to make of all this. I guess my question is did I wait too long to put NC into practice? I will not call or text her, drive by her house, check anything online, etc.. Honest. I will follow the rules of the ebook and have been without fail. I know I really believe in myself and confidence is a key. I understand the one with the power in the relationship is the one who needs it the least. I am just curious with everyone's experience and hearing all sorts of story's, am I just beating a dead horse? Listen I did something real DUMB and I am sure you are going to be like MAN why did you do that? I really thought things were going to come around and so I went out and bought an engagement ring just to be prepared. I feel awful for doing it and feel like such a desperate fool. This is what she was wanted for so long with me to and that is word for word what she said, so I just thought it would show her I was serious. Big mistake huh? Well honestly tell me, am I just being played? Will this turn around if I keep with the NC procedure?

I am trying to move on with my life and be about my happiness. I bought my own house last month, been dating a little, trying to keep my mind off this. It is hard since I don't really have that social circle cause of my ex wife. My girlfriend was my social scene and now I am just alone. I want her back and will do whatever it takes to make that happen. Is there any advice you all can give me from your experience? I really need some help in getting us back together. I just don't understand how she can have feelings for someone she has only been with for a few weeks. But I bet this was going on behind my back and now I am just screwed. I have just screwed myself by waiting too long and am unclear on what to do, is 10 1/2 weeks a lost cause?

This really hurts the most, 3 1/2 weeks ago she said she needed a few days to think about what she wants and would let me know. Yesterday I finally get 6 text messages from her through out the day and she said she decided we should go our separate ways in the first one. I am CRUSHED!! I never replyed to any of her texts. After all the time together she sends me a text to say goodbye. How cruel is that. Her last text was she thinks it is real #$%^ up I didn't reply to her and so she said #$%^ me and #$^ us. I kept thinking to myself I will not reply that is so mean and cruel. Plus what does it mean #$%^ us? She broke up with me again why does it matter if I am not replying if there is no US?I am so DEVISTATED but will keep the NC rule in place until she comes around to acting like I matter at all. Am I just a fool for all this? I feel terrible and am lost. It has been almost 3 months since the initial breakup but after yesterday I feel like it just happened again. I am so lost and alone. I gave up all I was to be with her and build a life. I am such a fool!

You weren't happy with your wife and as it turns out you and the one you cheated with didn't last. Sorry you need to be alone, and learn to make yourself happy. You also need the skills to make a relationship work, you need a lot of work on yourself, or the same thing will happen again.

I second that. Avoid her like the plague until your strong enough to accept the consequences of her rejecting you. Plus look how well you are doing you have your own home and your dating. Look man, I'm also completely alone and out of the social circle but with the net and with extra curricular activities you're bound to find like minded people. If you join a book club or karate or something that you're interested in you may run into someone who is really for you. Finally, if she kicked you out and said she wanted to date you it's not because she wants to marry you, it's because she wants to become more available. Shield your emotions for they may betray you now.

Sorry, but I can't help thinking if you had worked as hard on your marriage, as you did getting with this other chick, things may have been different. We will never know. What we do know is that this laison with her ruined any chance you had, and that adultress, false love faded very quickly. I hope you learned your lesson.

Hey diamondstar, I just have the feeling of sharing the pain with you when I read your story, I just don't know what best advice I would give you now.

However personally, I think you should stick on the NC rule as the ebook said. Just think it's a breakup for good. If there is nothing like your breakup with your ex wife and now your girlfriend, you would never know you have problems. If you consider all of this an experience, and that from now on, you will be better.

I think I can explain the behavior of your girlfriend, but now I guess it doesn't matter anymore. This woman is being desperate and very unhappy too, I guarantee! So you don't need to reunite with an unhappy person with the intention of building a happier life. That's just not logical!

Love and respect yourself and learn to live happily alone and tell us how things go and how you feel day after days. We'll check on you.

Hello all,

Talaniman try not to be so mean man, I am not here to discuss my bad judgement for what I did and how I messed up my marriage. I know that already and fyi I did WORK on it, just couldn't deny my feelings for this girl. There were many other factors in my failed marriage that have nothing to do with my current situation, and to be honest with you I know in my heart this relationship was not false love. Don't know how you can say it faded quickly. I know you have plenty of experience and knowledge with relationships and I respect your opinion and yes I learned a lesson. Listen all I know is that my girlfriend affected me so deeply and I have never felt that way about anyone ever in my life. I am not some young kid, I am in my 30's so its not like I am without experience. Sorry if I am being defensive not meaning to. I am just real real hurt. She means the world to me, and I know the feelings weren't false. 5 1/2 years is a long time for it to be false love. Anyway, sorry I am just very sad I don't mean to snap back. I appreciate you all even replying. I am just so hurt. I have been trying to work on myself and respect myself. I know I lost a lot in all of what happened. She just really hurt me, and I was getting better being with her, just have taken too long once again to show action I guess. I really miss her and know she is gone. It just pains me to no end how I really thought I knew her. We shared so much time and emotion with each other. I guess since I took too long to divorce and be with her, she always had that in her mind, no matter how much she loved me. Now I just feel like what she has done is turn the tables around and wants me to hurt like she did. I am so heartbroken cause all I ever wanted was to build OUR life together. I just couldn't handle the comparing with my exwife, I mean I left cause I wanted to be with her. She just never believed that I guess.

I have been doing good on the outside, I have bought my own house on the other side of town. I have been dating and trying to keep busy thanks enigmagnetic. I have avoided big time, I don't even go near her house and where she works. It doesn't seem to matter though cause everywhere I look and all I see reminds me of her in some way or another. Then my insides just breakdown. I am so heartbroken in private, I cry and feel so sorry for myself. This just makes no sense to me, why go through the trouble of 5 1/2 years of being with someone, then 2 years of actually being together. Having me around her family A lot, wanting to marry me and have a family, to kicking me out and being so cold and cruel? I am such a fool. For the short time we have had any contact in the first weeks of the 11 weeks I did act way too needy and begged her to not do this and get back together with me. I know that just pushed her away even more. I have done wonderful with the NC rule since, she is the one that broke up with me. Why should I be the one to feel so sorry for myself. I am a good person and deserve better than that. I just don't understand how she can be so cold after sharing so much love and bonding with me and sharing our emotions so strongly. I know I should focus on her faults and not try to put her on a pedestal, I mean she is the one who ripped out my heart and stepped on it, I am so foolish for being so needy about her. I just miss her terribly.

lmnotok thanks for what you said, I am trying to love and respect myself. It is hard to be alone especially when all I do is think about her. But I will not break NC until she comes around with some feelings like I matter. I so deserve better than that and also deserve more care than some text message saying bye after all the stuff we have had to go through already. She just means the world to me, I hope one day she realizes that and how much this has hurt me. I know she must have been hurt also dealing with me while I was still married, I sure took a lot of grief over it from her. Now it seems she is getting back at me for that by doing something similar. Guess it doesn't matter that her knowing the pain she had to go through and inflicting it on me now must not matter to her. I can't believe I bought her an engagement ring, what a desperate fool I am. I was going to keep it for a while just in case, but that seems like wishful thinking. Like I have read in here many different times, if she really loved me and wanted to be with me she would not have broke up with me. I just wish I knew how to get through to her and see her smile and love me like I used to see. I could just tell in the way she looked at me and how she would glow. I know in my heart those feelings are true! I miss her so much.

Hello all,

I am really sad, can someone please give me some insight? I am so hurt and confused! Help please!!

Hello D/star, Thanks for the heartfelt reply, and my intent was not meanness, but being as straightforward as I can be. My goal was information, which you amply provided. That you have only talked of her, and not your wife speaks volumes. I can't help but feel that she was a major distraction on your life, and sorry she chose to hurt you the way she did. My reference to false love, was from what you wrote, she did not return what you gave her, and when you became available, she didn't want it, and just to be sure this is not the first time I've seen a relationship started in need by one, and heavily invested emotionally go down the tubes. Enough of the past, and what was. Let me turn your attention to now, and the pain you have caused and endured. One question. What happened to your marriage, if you can give me some background?

Pay back is a b**ch!. The grass is always greener in someone else's yard!.
This lady had no problem with you when you were not available, and now that you are, because you didn't jump to marry her right away (and thank goodness you didn't) she is now looking else where.
Stay on your road to recovery. Leave this lady alone. She has already caused enough havoc in your life.

Dstar, when you are sad, all you need is to cry, cry out aloud then things will be brighter. That's what I did.

I re read your post. Why after 2 years had you not married this woman you left you wife for? Not excusing her, but she is probably figuring she played second fiddle while you were married, you get divorced and she's still a side piece instead of a wife. So, after two years, I can see why she got tired of waiting.
Anyway, it's best to just let it go.

Diamondstar... congratulations for dealing with this most horrible situation with as much dignity as you have. Also I respect you for being true to yourself and leaving your marriage when you realised you did not love your wife. Heartbreak is a terrible feeling and a journey that we just have to go through... there are no pat answers and there are no right or wrong ways to deal with it.. how you are dealing with it is right for you... you just got to feel the pain and keep going. Give time, time. I really feel for you I'm sure you had dreams of setting up a new life with this woman and you were brave enough to take the steps to be with her. You are obviously a strong person in that respect and you will (although you don't feel it now) get stonger through this journey. I wish you all the best, you may not get the answers you want now... but the answers you want may change with time and then you will find happiness again.

Sorry for the delay in reply's,

I have not had the drive to get out of bed for almost 2 days. I am feeling so awful and depressed.

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Yesterday 01:56 AM
Talaniman Hello D/star, Thanks for the heartfelt reply, and my intent was not meanness, but being as straightforward as I can be. My goal was information, which you amply provided. That you have only talked of her, and not your wife speaks volumes. I can't help but feel that she was a major distraction on your life, and sorry she chose to hurt you the way she did. My reference to false love, was from what you wrote, she did not return what you gave her, and when you became available, she didn't want it, and just to be sure this is not the first time I've seen a relationship started in need by one, and heavily invested emotionally go down the tubes. Enough of the past, and what was. Let me turn your attention to now, and the pain you have caused and endured. One question. What happened to your marriage, if you can give me some background?

Talaniman, thank you so much for your reply. I am real sensitive at the moment and appreciate you being informative. I am just so hurt. I am not sure what I can say about my failed marriage, there were many issues like jealously from her, then wanting a family played a big part. She kind of pushed me aside to the back burner to focus %100 on a family. It was a horrible time, I felt like I was not important anymore.

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Yesterday 05:27 AM
Lmnotok Dstar, when you are sad, all you need is to cry, cry out aloud then things will be brighter. That's what I did.

Lmnotok I do cry, seems sometimes I can't stop. I wear myself out and end up falling asleep but wake up a few hours later. This has been 11 weeks now and after last Thursday I feel like she broke up with me all over again. I have NOT done anything to contact her and will not. I feel so afraid to even leave my house. I have bad dreams a lot and can't seem to get anything about her out of my mind, I am such a sorry sap.

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Yesterday 05:30 PM
Homegirl 50 I re read your post. Why after 2 years had you not married this woman you left you wife for? Not excusing her, but she is probably figuring she played second fiddle while you were married, you get divorced and she's still a side piece instead of a wife. So, after two years, I can see why she got tired of waiting.
Anyway, it's best to just let it go.

Homegirl 50, you are so right. The only reason I had not asked her is that she was, every few weeks or so, bringing up my ex wife in some kind of comparasion. I swear I was so trying to mend all the negative emotions that had to do with it all so she would know how much she means to me. I kept trying to help us and show her that she is the most important person to me in the world. I guess asking her to marry me would have made the difference. We kept talking about it, I just wanted her to let go of the anger about my ex wife is all. Its not like I even had contact with her. I had nothing to say to her. If she would have focused as much on our happiness instead of obsessing about my ex wife I know for sure I would have asked long ago. I prayed every day that she would see what she was doing and I ended up doing everything I could to show her, except the one thing she wanted. However I was so scared she would have just been the same way even being married or engaged. I guess I didn't take a chance. You are right I really messed up BAD, I miss her so much and hate that all this seems like it was for nothing. I am sure she felt in her mind like she was still 2nd place. I never meant to give off that impression, I just wanted her to focus on us instead of a relationship that was over. I chose her and guess I am getting what I deserve now.

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Yesterday 05:36 PM
MayfairLady Diamondstar... congratulations for dealing with this most horrible situation with as much dignity as you have. Also I respect you for being true to yourself and leaving your marriage when you realised you did not love your wife. Heartbreak is a terrible feeling and a journey that we just have to go through... there are no pat answers and there are no right or wrong ways to deal with it.. how you are dealing with it is right for you... you just got to feel the pain and keep going. Give time, time. I really feel for you I'm sure you had dreams of setting up a new life with this woman and you were brave enough to take the steps to be with her. You are obviously a strong person in that respect and you will (although you don't feel it now) get stonger through this journey. I wish you all the best, you may not get the answers you want now... but the answers you want may change with time and then you will find happiness again.

Thank you Mayfairlady, it was a so difficult to go through. I was so upset all the time. It was heartbreaking but just know I love this woman with all my heart and soul. Your kind words mean a lot. I have felt so alone since most everyone turned on me with my decision to divorce. Now that my GF broke up with me I have once again lost my best friend. I am very depressed and wish there was some way I could at least stop seeing her every time I close my eyes, and everywhere I see something reminds me of her. I feel terrible...

All you women that have replyed, I know it is a long shot but in my situation do you think she will ever come back so I might really prove to her I want to marry her? I know that I have to let her go, which I am doing since I am so heartbroken once again from her text message. How can someone who you love and spent so much time with be so cold by saying goodbye in a text? I miss her terribly, all I can do is just give her what she wanted which is to leave me. I just can't understand how she can't miss me and love me anymore? She stuck it out through my marriage, and my divorce to be together. Then to decide its over? I feel like such a fool and so stupid I was not able to see this. I guess I focused %100 on trying to make her happy she just lost interest in me. How ironic is that. I am so lost and sad. This hurts so much. I mean she has not even seem me in over 11 weeks. GOSH I hate this... everyone forgive me, I am going on and on. I am sorry for being so emotional and sad. Its just that I never felt more comfy with anyone else ever in my life. I know it was real, guess when it actually came down to it she was bored with me since I was not a challenge anymore. That makes me so sad to think that way but nothing else makes since. I am just so confused!! I really thought I would be better, but I can't get her out of my heart. We were so happy once, it just fit. Gosh I should have stood up and done right, I miss her so much! I don't even know if she misses me, all her actions make me feel like I was nothing, I hurt all over, please help!

Dear d/star. I just been through a break up, well still going through it. It's simply the worst feeling in the world. I went to friends to talk and they told me it wasn't the last I would hear from him. This totally built my hopes up that I would one day hear from him... so I sat around waiting and waiting. Why put your life on hold... do things for yourself... get up do things you don't want to do... you will feel better. Then IF she does get in touch you will be in a much better place to decide whether she is worthy to be part of your wonderful life or not!!

I think it's best that you forget her and move on. I'm still not understanding why you chose not to marry her. Maybe her insecurity came form your not doing so. At any rate, I think you should move on.

You have invested too much into someone who cannot give you what you want, and must accept that for whatever reasons, it didn't work. You may feel like your life is in chaos, but maybe for the first time in a long time you are in position to know who you are and build a life you enjoy, by learning to love yourself. See a doctor to make sure you can get healthy, and when all the dust settles, you may see that this will work for the better. Give yourself time to heal.

You know what?pain has its own precious value. PAIN ALWAYS MAKES US CHANGE! Just like the physical pain, it's the signal telling you to stop sticking into the painful area, emotional pain has the same meaing, its telling u its time to view the problem differently. Or else, the pain keeps on breaking u until u learn the lesson.

Specifically, why don't you think ON HER VIEW?? And think about what is the REAL PROBLEM with yourself when u guys were in the relationship? IS that just all her side that had insecurities? IS that all about her? I don't think u didn't have any concerns/problem/issues. So just tell me about it, then I think I would help u a bit more.

I'm still thinking it was the not marrying her or not even asking to marry her when you had been divorced for two years. Maybe she was insecure because of that. But of she has been gone for 11 weeks, I'd say she was pretty hurt and is done with you.

d/star : I am sorry about what has happened to you but it seems like you are just getting Karma. Now you know how your wife whom you cheated on and then dumped for another woman felt. I know you said you fell in love with this Girl but you had made a commitment to your wife to love her and there is no way you could have put a 100% towards your marriage if you were busy screwing another woman. Life has a way of coming back and biting us. You cannot get away with anything without it coming back to you. The woman who has left you now probably does not trust you enough to love you because she knows that if you could have cheated on you wife you will do the same to her as soon as you find another woman you feel connected to. She has probably been cheating on you with the guy she is seeing now. Marriage is serious and she knows you don't take it seriously and women like a man whom they feel secure with. You need to call your ex wife and apologize to her sincerely for the pain you caused her, for you to released from the Karma and if you know God you need to ask for his forgiveness because you broke a comittment you made to your wife the day you married her. MY advice to you : Move on. If this woman has told you she does not want you she probably has no feelings for you anymore especially if she is seeing someone else. Break ups are not easy and the only way to heal is time. And it helps a lot if you stop all communication with her, even if she calls. I know that is hard but the more you talk to her the more refreshed the pain becomes and you go back to square one. Focus your life on other things and you will meet a new person and hopefully you will be mature enough to learn from your mistakes and truly commit to the next person you meet

It sound like you are in a lot of pain. Maybe you need to talke to a friend or brother and let of some steam. If she has someone else chances are she does not miss you. Just like you probably did not miss you wife when you left her because you had this woman to focus on. She is porbably focusing on this new guy too... the best is to move on, because relationships that start of infedelity never last because the other person will always know what you are capable of. Even if she come back and you marry her, she will still feel insecure because she knows first hand what you were doing to your own wife while you were married. & and a marriage with out trust is DEAD. So the best is to move on and start afresh with a new person who does not carry the baggage. I know I may sound harsh but I am just trying to be realistic with you. The choises we make have conseqenses and you just have to deal with them, learn from them and move on. Its not the end of the world. There are other women in the world you can meet and click with.