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-   -   Girlfriend broke up and moved out, how to fix the relationship (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=365253)

  • Jul 2, 2009, 05:10 PM
    Homegirl 50

    To begin with, we don't know that she has told this guy that she loves him and wants to marry him, and no, I don't consider it a rebound. Maybe she just felt "something different with him, some real adult chemistry.
    I dated a guy for 4 years, I loved him dearly, he was my best friend. When I met my husband, it was different. The chemistry was different. I knew he was the one for me.
    The guy I was with before was my best friend, we grew up together, but he was not the man for me. I did not love him as a man, but as my dear friend. There is a difference.
    It was not love at first sight, but we both knew there was something there, and we went with it.
    4 years later we were married and have been married 33 years
  • Jul 2, 2009, 07:37 PM
    57373

    You just stated the guy before your husband was your best friend... that context is entirely different... The basis of your relationship... before it.. was friends,so of course the chemistry was never there.And of course the breakup would be amicable.

    But I don't think the OP was ever best friends with his ex?

    Also about 'instant chemistry' that is not love,it is lust.

    Love is as they say 'for better or worse'.

    Love takes time.

    I don't believe in "love at first sight...I just knew"

    No,funny though that's what my ex told me

    "we were soulmates and will be together forever"

    Exactly why I don't buy into it.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 07:44 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 57373 View Post
    You just stated the guy before your husband was your best friend...that context is entirely different...The basis of your relationship...before it..was friends,so of course the chemistry was never there.

    But I don't think the OP was ever best friends with his ex?
    We dated, I loved him, he was my best friend and my boy friend.
    I'm thinking those two grew up together, they dated she loved him, he was her friend, first sexual partner, that does not mean he was the man for her. Maybe when she met this other guy, the grown up chemistry was there.
    There is a difference.
    You can be a best friend with your lover, in fact, you should be
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:00 PM
    EntertainmentCO
    Hello, I would recommend that you get some personal counseling either through a church or a independent counselor. Work on your anger because that will damage any relationship you have with a woman. Whether you get back with her or not you want to find out how to control that. Anger and verbal abuse will damage any relationship, get some good counsel. I would also pray about your relationship and ask God to take control of it and have his will be done.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:09 PM
    AKeagle
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    We dated, I loved him, he was my best friend and my boy friend.
    I'm thinking those two grew up together, they dated she loved him, he was her friend, first sexual partner, that does not mean he was the man for her. Maybe when she met this other guy, the grown up chemistry was there.
    There is a difference.
    You can be a best friend with your lover, in fact, you should be
    We were friends for about a week before we started dating. We have always been friends through everything, every mountain that came up we beat it together. Does anyone think she is using him for comfort or to piss me off, besides me? Like seriously...
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:13 PM
    paxe

    How can you know he was the "one" for you? It doesn't make any sense. You can't judge if anybody is the "one" in the first time you see them. Anyhow, his ex didn't do anything wrong to go with another guy, it's her right but what happened to just breaking up because we are fundamentally not happy and staying without a date for a couple of month?

    I think it is the cowards way out to just date right away or to leave a guy for someone else. I may be harsh and all but it just shows your lack of courage. You weren't happy in your former relationship yet you waited for someone to show up to break with your boyfriend. This pains me because it was done the same thing with me and it seems that girls don't have the decency of just breaking up without the lying, pleading, cheating...
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:15 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AKeagle View Post
    We were friends for about a week before we started dating. we have always been friends through everything, every mountain that came up we beat it together. Does anyone think she is usin him for comfort or to piss me off, besides me? Like seriously.....
    No she is not using him to piss you off. She likes him. That is why she is with him. The sooner you realize that the better off you'll be. She is not evil, she is not trying to make you mad or jealous, she just does not feel for you what you feel for her.

    Sometimes it just does not work!
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:15 PM
    AKeagle
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by EntertainmentCO View Post
    Hello, I would recommend that you get some personal counseling either through a church or a independent counselor. Work on your anger because that will damage any relationship you have with a woman. Wether you get back with her or not you want to find out how to control that. Anger and verbal abuse will damage any relationship, get some good counsel. I would also pray about your relationship and ask God to take control of it and have his will be done.
    Here's my counseling, running up a mountain, or doing physical work. The problem was I could before while I worked and did college at he same time. What breaks a relationship is lack of communication and trust
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:20 PM
    paxe
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    No she is not using him to piss you off. She likes him. That is why she is with him. The sooner you realize that the better off you'll be. She is not evil, she is not trying to make you mad or jealous, she just does not feel for you what you feel for her.

    Sometimes it just does not work!
    She didn't have the courage to dump him without that other guy so it just shows that she has no courage and she lied to him. She isn't an angel also.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:26 PM
    57373
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by paxe View Post
    She didn't have the courage to dump him without that other guy so it just shows that she has no courage and she lied to him. She isn't an angel also.
    I think what paxe said is true.Everyone is pushing the OP to move on and saying 'sometimes things don't work' but the fact of the matter is,his ex was too afraid to be completely alone,she replaced him,than dumped him (but couldn't just dump him without being replaced)

    She IS a coward and a liar!
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:28 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by page View Post
    How can you know he was the "one" for you? It doesn't make any sense. You can't judge if anybody is the "one" in the first time you see them. Anyhow, his ex didn't do anything wrong to go with another guy, it's her right but what happened to just breaking up because we are fundamentally not happy and staying without a date for a couple of month?

    I think it is the cowards way out to just date right away or to leave a guy for someone else. I may be harsh and all but it just shows your lack of courage. You weren't happy in your former relationship yet you waited for someone to show up to break with your boyfriend. This pains me because it was done the same thing with me and it seems that girls don't have the decency of just breaking up without the lying, pleading, cheating...
    It may not make sense to you because you have never experienced it. But I knew he was the one.
    I never said I was not happy in my relationship. I just knew when I met my husband that my relationship was not what I wanted or needed. We were both emotionally dependent on each other we spent all of our time with each other, it was young teenage "whatever", rather dysfunctional. I was 19. Was I supposed to stay with him knowing I wanted to be with someone else? If I'm not emotionally there I'm not really there, so I told him what was up and I left. There was nothing coward about that.

    You were hurt, but don't put me in your scenario. My situation was not like yours. Don't get it twisted.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:32 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AKeagle View Post
    Here's my counseling, running up a mountain, or doing physical work. The problem was I could before while I worked and did college at he same time. What breaks a relationship is lack of communication and trust
    Sometimes a relationship breaks because it is not the right one. Sometimes it breaks because both of you are not in love. She communicated with you, told you she wanted out. Now you need to accept it.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:33 PM
    57373
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    It may not make sense to you because you have never experienced it. But I knew he was the one.
    I never said I was not happy in my relationship. I just knew when I met my husband that my relationship was not what I wanted or needed. We were both emotionally dependant on each other we spent all of our time with each other, it was young teenage "whatever", rather dysfunctional. I was 19. Was I supposed to stay with him knowing I wanted to be with someone else? If I'm not emotionally there I'm not really there, so I told him what was up and I left. There was nothing coward about that.

    You were hurt, but don't put me in your scenario. My situation was not like yours. Don't get it twisted.
    Out of curiosity did you tell him the reason you broke up,was because of someone else?

    If so I really do respect you,because it's a horrible thing to hear,BUT NO ONE IS EVER HONEST WITH IT.

    "let's be friends"

    "too much stress"

    "let's take a break"

    Hell,I never would have wasted all those nights crying over my ex if my ex had straight up said there was someone else... instead of leading me on for a year and a half
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:34 PM
    AKeagle
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 57373 View Post
    I think what paxe said is true.Everyone is pushing the OP to move on and saying 'sometimes things don't work' but the fact of the matter is,his ex was too afraid to be completely alone,she replaced him,than dumped him (but couldn't just dump him without being replaced)

    she IS a coward and a liar!
    I agree with this. I don't see anyone getting over something like this that easily. Whether she likes his guy or not, they will never go through what we went through. Whether she likes this guy or not she is fishing for a reaction from
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:34 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by paxe View Post
    She didn't have the courage to dump him without that other guy so it just shows that she has no courage and she lied to him. She isn't an angel also.
    How do you know this? Don't get your story twisted with his.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:38 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 57373 View Post
    I think what paxe said is true.Everyone is pushing the OP to move on and saying 'sometimes things don't work' but the fact of the matter is,his ex was too afraid to be completely alone,she replaced him,than dumped him (but couldn't just dump him without being replaced)

    she IS a coward and a liar!
    You don't know this to be true. Do you guys know her? Do you know that she met this guy first and then dumped him? Or are you thinking about your own heartbreak.
    Don't get it twisted.
    He does not even know if she left him for the other guy, how do you know it?
    Don't give advice based on your hurt and ager. It does not help him.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:40 PM
    57373
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    How do you know this? Don't get your story twisted with his.
    He means some people have the clingy personality type.
    They only distance themselves when they are 100% sure they have someone else lined up to replace the former.
    It's a common trait,especially in women who feel they need to be 'loved',or guys who want to prove themselves as 'men'.
    Again.. the concept of rebounding... or security blankets.
    They have no time to think about who they gave up because they are completely enamored with the "new and shiny bf or gf"
    So their grief doesn't exactly hit them until they break up with the new bf/gf

    In your case your split was amicable... but if you hurt that guy... I'm sure you'd have second thoughts.. "maybe I shouldn't have...I wonder about him...I feel bad"
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:41 PM
    paxe
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 57373 View Post
    I think what paxe said is true.Everyone is pushing the OP to move on and saying 'sometimes things don't work' but the fact of the matter is,his ex was too afraid to be completely alone,she replaced him,than dumped him (but couldn't just dump him without being replaced)

    she IS a coward and a liar!
    Agreed! And it does seem it is the majority of time like that. The girl dumps the boy:
    Boy: "is there someone else?"
    Girl:"Nobody I swear, there is only friends, I need time alone, I still love you..."

    I do believe that the "right" way to dump someone is for reasons other than "there is someone else" and that the dumper also takes time to heal.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:42 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 57373 View Post
    Out of curiosity did you tell him the reason you broke up,was because of someone else?

    If so I really do respect you,because it's a horrible thing to hear,BUT NO ONE IS EVER HONEST WITH IT.

    "let's be friends"

    "too much stress"

    "let's take a break"

    Hell,I never would have wasted all those nights crying over my ex if my ex had straight up said there was someone else...instead of leading me on for a year and a half
    He knew why I left. I was completely honest with him. We had always been that way with each other. I even told him who he was. (and no, he did not know him) Yes he was hurt, but I would have been miserable had I stayed and that would not have been good for either of us.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:46 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AKeagle View Post
    I agree with this. I don't see anyone geting over something like this that easily. Whether she likes his guy or not, they will never go thru what we went thru. Whether she likes this guy or not she is fishing for a reaction from
    They will never go through what you two went through because they are different people different circumstances.
    If you want to think she is doing all of this to get to you, you just keep thinking that. You will never move on.
    Do the mature thing and just face the fact that it is over for whatever reason and move on.
    I doubt it is about you. It's about her and her happiness.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:49 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 57373 View Post
    He means some people have the clingy personality type.
    They only distance themselves when they are 100% sure they have someone else lined up to replace the former.
    It's a common trait,especially in women who feel they need to be 'loved',or guys who want to prove themselves as 'men'.
    Again..the concept of rebounding...or security blankets.
    They have no time to think about who they gave up because they are completely enamored with the "new and shiny bf or gf"
    So their grief doesn't exactly hit them until they break up with the new bf/gf

    In your case your split was amicable...but if you hurt that guy...i'm sure you'd have second thoughts.. "maybe I shouldn't have...I wonder about him...I feel bad"
    No, I have no second thoughts or regrets. I'm sorry I hurt him because he was dear to me, but I never had second thoughts about leaving.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:50 PM
    Homegirl 50

    If I had stayed with him, I would have always had second thoughts about the guy I didn't go to, I would have wondered if he really was the one.
    I made a decision and I have never regretted it.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:55 PM
    paxe
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    You don't know this to be true. Do you guys know her? Do you know that she met this guy first and then dumped him? Or are you thinking about your own heartbreak.
    Don't get it twisted.
    He does not even know if she left him for the other guy, how do you know it?
    Don't give advice based on your hurt and ager. It does not help him.
    From what the dumpee told us, she lied to him. And we won't know for sure if she left him for someone else but isn't that what you did? I mean I'm trying to be rational here, isn't it due to a lack of courage? You may deny it but if you felt you weren't happy with your ex, why didn't you left him right away?
  • Jul 2, 2009, 09:05 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by paxe View Post
    From what the dumpee told us, she lied to him. And we won't know for sure if she left him for someone else but isn't that what you did? I mean I'm trying to be rational here, isn't it due to a lack of courage? You may deny it but if you felt you weren't happy with your ex, why didn't you left him right away?
    Re read what I said. I did not leave him because I was unhappy with him, I left him because I realized that I could not be happy with him after I met this guy. I knew that what he and I had was teenaged neediness. We enabled each other in our insecurities. But I wasn't unhappy. What we had was not healthy.

    And go back and read what he said. He does not know if she lied. She left him, she told him she was unhappy. He does not know if she was with the guy before she left.

    You are getting it twisted with your hurt.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 09:07 PM
    paxe
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    If I had stayed with him, I would have always had second thoughts about the guy I didn't go to, I would have wondered if he really was the one.
    I made a decision and I have never regretted it.
    Why didn't you break off with your ex at the time before you go out with this other man? Shouldn't you have broken up first and then go out with this man after you healed? Just doesn't make any sense.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 09:08 PM
    Homegirl 50

    If my husband had not come along, we probably would have stayed happy in our dysfunction for a while, but as we matured we would have been some miserable adults.
    In fact, both of our parents were glad we broke up. They saw we were not right or good for each other.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 09:13 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by paxe View Post
    Why didn't you break off with your ex at the time before you go out with this other man? Shouldn't you have broken up first and then go out with this man after you healed? Just doesn't make any sense.
    Are you not reading what I wrote? Before I met him, I was not unhappy. There was no reason I could see at that point for us to break up. Everyone else saw it, but we didn't. There was no healing for me to do.
    He and I got to know each other then we started dating. We dated for four years.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 09:19 PM
    paxe
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    Re read what I said. I did not leave him because I was unhappy with him, I left him because I realized that I could not be happy with him after I met this guy. I knew that what he and I had was teenaged neediness. We enabled each other in our insecurities. But I wasn't unhappy. What we had was not healthy.

    And go back and read what he said. He does not know if she lied. She left him, she told him she was unhappy. He does not know if she was with the guy before she left.

    You are getting it twisted with your hurt.
    Well first of all, what did you need a guy to find out your first relationship was unhealthy? I'm not trying to be harsh or judgmental, I'm just trying to understand why would someone do this? It is the easy way for me but not the moral way out. It is my opinion and I may be wrong. But I strongly believe that a moral person would find out for his own why the relationship was unhealthy in the first place, and then heal like exactly like a dumpee.

    And actually she did lied to him if you reread the posts. He knew she wasn't saying the truth so he had to get a confession out of her. I'm not too much for lying especially when I'm breaking someone's heart, if I would break up with someone, I would at least tell them the whole truth.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 09:30 PM
    Homegirl 50

    Look this thread is not about me.
    I was a teenager when this happened. Teenagers think they know it all. Our parents tried to tell us our relationship was not right.
    When I met my husband, there was chemistry and I knew he was the right person for me.
    You have been hurt and so no matter what I say you are not going to get it because you are comparing everything to your hurt.
    People are different, what is good for you may not be good for another person. I did not lie to him, I told him why I was leaving and I left. I have never regretted leaving as I have a wonderful adult daughter and have had a long marriage. So this is the end of my story.

    As for the OP, she told him there was no spark with him and he also had anger issues. This is why she left, whether she lied or not, he still needs to accept it and move on. It does no good to dwell on such things. It only makes you angry and you cannot see the things you need to see and you cannot move forward.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 09:32 PM
    Homegirl 50
    You are still in pain yourself and are reliving your incident through his. Don't get it twisted. Perhaps you need to move on as well.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 09:50 PM
    paxe

    What happened to me changed my rationale of things, I have to admit that. I think I am almost finished by moving on, but I'm putting a ban on myself for looking for any girls. I've lost weight so my attractiveness has gone up but I want to heal completely before I would start dating again. Again I am sorry if I offended you I'm just trying to see some reasons in all this.

    One of his thread specified that she lied to him. To me this is quite grave and it shows how weak she really is. My ex did the same thing and she cheated on me WHILE we were together. I find it quite hard and disturbing when people tell me it wasn't her fault or she was only wrong. When people tell me that it seems that cheating isn't as grave as it should be. This is why there should be NC at all and no "IFs" about if she would call or not.

    The sooner you understand that YOU don't want her back (AKeagle) the better you will feel. And you shouldn't want her back for tons of reasons.
  • Jul 3, 2009, 05:43 AM
    talaniman
    Some, take longer than others, to heal. Its very hard to heal, and its only been a bit more than a month, that a 4 year relationship ended. Healing is a process that takes time.
  • Jul 3, 2009, 08:23 AM
    AKeagle

    I will be back on in a couple of days, going to enjoy myself while I'm out for the weekend. Thanks all for the advice, even though it seems I'm dwelling on thing I do feel better everyday. I honestly can't help but smile and laugh at what is going on. But am hopefully for the future, I know I myself will be successful in the future by myself or with her. She woul just be a bonus. I know others will come and go also.

    Thanks all
  • Jul 3, 2009, 08:26 AM
    Homegirl 50

    Enjoy your weekend!
  • Jul 6, 2009, 12:25 PM
    AKeagle

    day, I stopped keeping count

    it was a good but bad vaca away from home. It was fun and exciting, met a lot of cool people, not just through my family, but random people at different places I ended up going to. It went bad cause of being along, though everyone I went down with was also. Though all and all, I had a good time, and have been talking to my cousin to see if I can go back to down soon.

    as for my other cousin(marriage called off) I think he is coming around to realize she is probably not going to come back, which is helping my mood a lot. I have been trying to get him to work out with me daily, but he is stubborn in that way, so I usually end up working out alone, which is better for me, cause it is harder to get moving when you have to wait for someone else
  • Jul 6, 2009, 03:35 PM
    paxe

    Great dude! It's really great you are doing better, it helps me to help you lol. I would love to have the occasion to do some hiking also :s
  • Jul 6, 2009, 07:24 PM
    AKeagle
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by paxe View Post
    Great dude! It's really great you are doing better, it helps me to help you lol. I would love to have the occasion to do some hiking also :s
    Well if you lived around northern va there are plenty of good places.

    Well I'm thinking about breaking down and reading that message she wrote me on my birthday. It would really help me get past everything if I was able to forget her smile and all our good times, cause they make me hold on. But at the same time I don't want to only remember the bad times and what is happening right now, cause I will still hold on, but worse I will just become angry. For some stupid reason, I want her to contact, not to talk or anything, ignore all contact, but I would feel that by ignoring it I would at least have one point. Though all my points are starting to rack up in other areas, such as work, college, health, and money(I'm saving so much money, I never realized how much I really spent)

    Any suggestions on that one?
  • Jul 6, 2009, 07:58 PM
    paxe

    Well, I think it's a normal process of healing up. We want to show them how great we are doing and put that in their face... but the thing is that we are doing all this for ourselves. Everything you have done is for yourself. At this stage, you are thinking less and less about her, you just need to let time do it's thing and you still need to do whatever you were doing to get better.
    For myself, I do dwell from time to time on good and bad memories of my ex, but I think it's life she has been such a long part of my past that it is hard to dissociate myself from her completely. I guess on the long run when I will have completely healed I would just look back and think that all that was insignificant. Not forgetting the past completely, just not really caring about it.
    I am also realizing how much I'm saving. I'm just realizing that I don't have to invite anybody for dinner, I just need to pay for myself. It's a great feeling! I'm starting to see all the advantages to being single an there is so much more opportunities that is opening to me. I guess you are starting to see the same thing as I do now.
  • Jul 6, 2009, 08:45 PM
    AKeagle
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by paxe View Post
    Well, I think it's a normal process of healing up. We want to show them how great we are doing and put that in their face... but the thing is that we are doing all this for ourselves. Everything you have done is for yourself. At this stage, you are thinking less and less about her, you just need to let time do it's thing and you still need to do whatever you were doing to get better.
    For myself, I do dwell from time to time on good and bad memories of my ex, but I think it's life she has been such a long part of my past that it is hard to dissociate myself from her completely. I guess on the long run when I will have completely healed I would just look back and think that all that was insignificant. Not forgetting the past completely, just not really caring about it.
    I am also realizing how much I'm saving. I'm just realizing that I don't have to invite anybody for dinner, I just need to pay for myself. It's a great feeling! I'm starting to see all the advantages to being single an there is so much more opportunities that is opening to me. I guess you are starting to see the same thing as I do now.
    Think I should break down and read the message she sent me, I only read the header. There might not even be anything else to read.

    I don't want to think this part of my life is insignificant, but I don't want to hold on or get mad about it
  • Jul 6, 2009, 08:54 PM
    paxe
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AKeagle View Post
    think i should break down and read the message she sent me, i only read the header. there might not even be anything else to read.

    i don't want to think this part of my life is insignificant, but i don't want to hold on or get mad about it
    Well, I am not 100% sure about what to do with that. On the one hand it may hurt you but on the other hand, you are just too curious to do it. I guess go for it but just be ready to do some healing and do NOT let her string you or let her control you. Before you do anything harsh think a lot about your actions.

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