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Pets won't work, only create more emotional pain for her. Shell associate you with the pet and spread more depression. If she rejects it, guess what? Your stuck with a pet. Gearhe4d, when you find something that works, tell me because my ex isn't with someone but sooner or later she won't stand being alone.
From what I can tell nothing works. Guess we just have to get used to the idea that it will only get worse, and you shouldn't really let yourself feel secure with anything. If I could go back and tell myself to just have fun with her, but not to get attached, I would. I've spent so much time trying to make her happy, because when I made her happy, it, in turn, made me happy. Now I'm basically stuck in this place where I can no longer make her happy, which means I don't know how to make myself happy.
I'm sure you've probably felt like I did sometimes even when I was with her. I used to feel like there was no way I could be this lucky, and it wasn't going to last. Look forward to that stereotypical nagging wife I guess. Or be single, which currently seems like the easier route. Either way, don't expect fulfillment to last I guess. They get bored of you.
Tell her you love her
Your advice is garbage! Think before you post something, otherwise, just don't post anything at all. It is clear you have no idea what you are talking about.Quote:
Originally Posted by what to do what
Gearhe4d u and me are that 3% of the nice guys before we turn into a$s_oles because of that one girl who screws us over. U and me are so much alike and are in the same situation. We can't give them what they need and its killing us. If u want to try, check out tw jackson on you tube, he has good advice. How you go about doing it plays a part. It gave me some hope, but its not complete
DO NOT buy into TW Jackson. As a first hand sucker, I spent the money on that book, and it doesn't do any good. No matter how good TW may be, no matter how much he may know about relationships, he (thus you), cannot control how your ex feels. NOTHING you do will bring her back, but her own actions. He simply takes advantage of people in a weak emotional state... "How to get our Ex back?" Are you kidding me? Don't fall prey to that stuff.Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroke
Gearh4ed,
I can tell that your confidence is probably at an all time low right now.
Remember these two things:
1) She didn't get bored of YOU. She got bored of HER life.
2) She didn't reject YOU, she rejected the relationship.
Play your cards right, and you'll look back on this day as the day you became a man.
Whoa whoa, I didn't say buy the book, all I said was listen to what he has to say. All about letting them realize what they are missing, and they may come back. Let them come back to you stuff. Nobody can control how our ex's feel but them, but trying to understand them is better than giving up
Back when she first dumped me, I'll admit I did look into all of the "How to get your ex back" bull, and I did stumble across the Jackson guy. I knew it was just another scam though, and didn't really look into it any further. I assume it is just going to tell me things I already know, so there really isn't a point.
Even if it did help, I don't want to be that useless douchebag guy who used one of those to get his girlfriend back (temporarily.)
At this point I'm just really starting to understand that even if I get her back, it'll only only be for another short run, she'll eventually get bored with me again and think she's missing something and I'll have to go through all of this all over again.
Heartbroke, if I can give you any advice, which in reality I probably don't know much of anything, but I'd say-
Don't do relationships.
Dad told me that exact thing when I was little, wish I would have listened. They start great, and no matter how hard you try, they are going to get sick of you, or you are going to get sick of them. And then the pain rolls in.
Even in marriage. Except in marriage, you're sort of stuck with them, especially if you have kids.
Hey Gear4hd,
I am sorry to hear this news for you as it must be very hard for you. But look on the positive side- you now have clarity on the situation- she is with someone else. PERIOD. THE END.
So now you must realise in time and with all the advice everyone has given- that the time has come and the time is now right for you to start healing bit by bit- we all know how hard it is- that's why we are on this site- and so as hard as it is for you- remember we are all in the same boat, trying to over come such situations and so your not alone!
Okay one confession- yep I read the TW Jackson e book- and it is s h I t e! I can't believe I read that in Sept! OMG!! How embarrassing! Oh well- I am sure many of us has done that somepoint in our post break ups!
Take it easy Gear4hd, go and treat yourself with something nice- something you wanted to get for a while- but haven't done so.. and most of all be very kind to yourself!
I'm not a very material person, honestly there isn't anything I want.
How about this:Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
Go get a haircut. Buy a new shirt and a new pair of pants. Maybe some cologne.
Take a shower, do your hair, spray on the cologne, get dressed, get out, smile at girls.
Repeat if necessary.
Get some nice shades
Look in the mirror more and say you are a good person
Smile smile and smile- you just don't know who will catch your smile and make your day!
Keep repeating the above with itired advice!
Wow... Gearhead, I'm sorry for you. I really am.
I've been paying so much attention to your story that I felt like a part of me died when you finally said she was with someone else and a part of me remembered all the pain I felt back when the same thing happened with me.
Giving advice in these situations is usually a hard thing to do. Everyone experiences this differently. Over the coming weeks and months you'll have good days and you'll have bad days. The important thing is to focus on the things that make you happy. I realize that right now, nothing will, but as time goes by you'll notice some activities and some particular tasks that make you forget all about her, focus on these things.
Furthermore, try to stay busy. Many people suggest not to be alone, but that didn't work for me, at least, it nearly took me an entire month before I could go an entire day without being alone at least a few hours.
I guess in the end the only real thing I can offer you is a cliché, only time will help you heal your wounds (well time and going no contact, but it seems you've realized the importance of no contact by now).
And don't have such a grim outlook on love. Or well, what can I say, have any outlook on love that you want, but I can promise you all that negativity and all that doubt will also fade with time. And many years down the line when your ex has spent a few years with someone else and realize that they argue a lot more and generally aren't as happy as the two of you were, you'll already be in another relationship with a woman who's much more selfsacrificial than your girlfriend was and you'll be happy.
In general, I think the reason why you could spend so much time with this girlfriend of yours and still feel madly in love had very little with her to do. All of this came from you, and there's women out there just like you are, who don't always keep looking for something better even when they are happy.
Trust me, you're better off getting rid of this one right away and start looking for someone who truly deserves your attention. I know I'm glad it ended up with my girlfriend before we'd spent 10 years together and have two kids when she finally realized she was dissatisfied with her own life and I'd sit there being much more miserable.
The fact is - There's plenty of women out there who have no problem being in a long and loving relationship, you just have to find them, and you never would have had you still been with your girl.
All in all though, every time you have something on your heart, feel free to post it here, we're all here for you and we've all experienced what you're going through, and many of us have already made it through on the other side and we can promise you that this time around, the grass IS greener.
U know I had such a grim outlook on love, and then the girl that I was with came along. In a sense she saved me but I feel like she put me right back where she found me after she dumped me 3 weeks ago after 9 months of true dedication. Which wasn't really fair.
Thanks for your help, and I really appreciate your concern. I know I shouldn't and I'm not going to, but I keep thinking I should tell her new boyfriend not to get too attached and turn into psychopath that I've become.Quote:
Originally Posted by Molecular
Yep, just like I said, they will get bored with you.Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroke
But not until you finally believe that they love you and you get yourself attached.
I guess I'm saying that you can't really be satisfied either way, either you fall madly in love with her, and you want to be with her forever, and then BAM you're dumped, or you guard yourself and don't let yourself really be in love with someone and never become fully satisfied. Or you fall into that 95% of marriages catergory where you PUT UP with the other person, or they put up with you.
Gear4hd,
What the new boyfriend does is not your concern
What your ex does is not your concern
What is your concern: YOU!
Start worrying about YOU!!
If you feel like saying something to the ex or new boyfriend- write it out and email it here- and so at least it is out of your system!
Sorry about the let down, but now you have to move on. As they say "She's just not into you".
Sucks, but don't be second best, be the best with the next gal. Good Luck and God Bless You.
Here's a couple of good clips from Swingers that might help you out:
YouTube - Swingers
YouTube - Favorite scene from Swingers
And eventually... this will be us in this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHJmct5tstk&NR=1
I could/can totally see myself in Mikey...
Gearhead, don't forget "the future is beautiful!"
This is the 9th day of No Contact.
Ran across an email from her saying that she wants me to "get on MSN more."
Also another email, giving me her new cell phone number.
I haven't replied to her at all yet, feeling really bad about it. Why is she still trying to contact me if she has this new boyfriend of hers?
How are you doing gearhe4d? I still feel the same about my girl, but Im going to the Caribbean for 1 month to do volunteer work to try and forget this mess
Its not unusual for an ex to want to keep you in her life... as a friend.
Friends are good to have, if you can trust them. Why be friends with someone you can't trust?
Her boyfriend is a scam
Hi Gearhe4d,Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
You are doing the right thing for YOU- good for you- keep going forward- and don't look back, even thou it is hard.
The reason she still contacting you- is because she wants ALL HER DAMM CAKE and EAT it all to herself- and does not care about how this is unfair, how hard it is for you-- or how you feel about her. She just cares for her- and only her.
Keep going
I am actually in a current 5 year relationship with my boyfriend. I'm not going to say our relationship is great... because it isn't always great.
But we dated for about a year and a half.. and I told him I wanted a break because I wanted to concentrate on me, and hang out with friends and focus on school/work whatever the excuse was. But the thing is, is that break made me realize how much I loved and missed him! And we ended up getting back together.
She might be on a different page then you.. But you seem like a really sweet sincere guy and she WILL realize that she isn't going to find someone else like you that will always be there for her... but now its up to you... if she wants you back.. would you go back to her?
She is contacting you because she misses you, you were a part of her life and now you are not. This does not mean she wants you back.As soon as you start contacting here she will start backing off again. So don't think about her.Keep on doing this NC thing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhe4d
Just watched the movie "My best friends girl". Made me think about this. Since it is so hard to find really nice guys like us, there will be that one a$s hole who she will find and make her appreciate us more, coming back to us would be a decision she would have to make.
Also, take something away from this. Even though the relationship ended, and it's more than likely that she doesn't want you back, her continuing contact and statements like this show that you made a mark.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dare81
In the end, isn't that something worth being proud of? It shows that you were worth it, and you can be that for someone else again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReeseLynn18
Just out of curiosity, did you date anyone else during that break? Also I'm wondering how long it took you to start really missing him, and wanting him back.
.. and yes, I understand that my situation could be a lot different and there is a high chance that she won't ever come back.. but I'm just curious.
So, this is Gearhe4d, it won't let me post, or do basically anything on the site now for some reason on my account, so I've switched over to this one for now.
This is about the third week of no contact, including MSN and well, anything.
Still feeling pretty terrible, and I keep getting e-mails from her saying things like "Get on MSN more," and I got another the other day, that I didn't want to read, because every time I read a new e-mail from her, I just feel even more terrible. I decided to read it last night, and it went like this- "Hey, we changed our house phone number to blah blah, because of a new phone plan, I really want to hear from you, I get on MSN every night and you never get on anymore. I don't know what your reasons are, but I hope it's for your benefit."
What am I supposed to make of this? She still has the new boyfriend as far as I know, and I don't know if I should say something to her, or just keep up with no contact. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing by ignoring her now.
Do the right thing for yourself first and foremost - keep NC my friend, keep NC. You need to let yourself fully heal before you can even consider the possibility of talking to her. I know the temptation is strong but you must resist.
Ex's typically like to try to stay in contact to see how you're doing to help themselves heal faster - but most of the time unintentionally they delay our healing by doing so. Stay the course and keep NC and ignore further attempts of contact from her.
Hang in there!
Keep NC, and delete her messages unread!Quote:
I don't know if I should say something to her, or just keep up with no contact.
Keep NC, delete her messages unread.Quote:
I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing by ignoring her now.
Surely by now you have noticed the confusion that comes with any contact from her.
Well, what am I supposed to take from that last part of what she told me? "I don't know what your reasons are, but I hope it's for your benefit."
Is this trying to make me feel guilty about no contact? If so, I like how I'm the bad guy for not talking to her and hearing about what her and her new boyfriend are doing and how much fun they are having.
You need to stop this obsession!Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropic
Second guessing her motivations and waiting for her to throw you a bone has gotten totally out of control.
Only she knows what she meant.
You have been given pages and pages of advice and while it is great that you have stuck with the NC,you just aren't listening to all the rest of the advice.
Its not just NC! Its getting on with your life and living in the now.
NC is just a tool.Without all the other tools you have been given,its worthless.
Begin the work of healing.Let go of what once was and stop holding on to this fantasy.
You are getting good advice, and some may not be what you what to hear, but hang in there.
Don't dwell too much on it, Trevor.
I also used to spent countless hours trying to decypher every little bit of information my ex gave me back then, but in the end it just wasn't worth it.
She might be trying to make you the bad guy, she might not. Maybe she just wants a response out of you. At the end of the day though, she really doesn't deserve anything from you, and as such you shouldn't give it to her.
So far you've been really strong, keep up the good work.
I'm not really sure how long it's been now with NC, something like 5ish weeks I guess. No real emotional improvements on my part.
She seems to still be with her new boyfriend, I guess this is it huh?
I'm sorry to say so Trevor but if you still haven't admitted to yourself that yes, this is indeed it, then that is probably the reason there's not been too much emotional improvement on your part. Either way though it'll take much longer than 5 weeks to heal.
It's a good thing you're still sticking with NC though, you just have to keep it going. How you know she's still with her new guy eludes me though, but I guess sometimes it's hard to avoid finding out these things completely.
I hope by now you're starting to see the bigger picture and realize that after she's been with this guy for a while now, even if they did break up and she wanted you back you could never live with any form of self dignity again if you let her. Keep it going man and focus on yourself and the things that make you feel better. You'll get there in the end.
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