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Exactly, big bird. That's why I'm working on NC until my feelings have diminished (my new goal of 3 months). I figure I shouldn't have any contact with him until I feel like I can honestly talk to him as a friend and not as someone "trying to get him back". When I feel the urge to call him or answer his calls/texts, I just keep reminding myself that.
Not trying to hurt him, just trying to protect myself.
Hey hey hey ! Thanks Sneeze to have taken my post just as I meant it, I never said you particularly wanted to make your ex suffer, it's just a feeling I got from thinking about the NC concept... It wasn't an accusation or whatever !
<explanations about why I posted that here, don't read if you want to stay in-topic and don't get mad at me please !>
As of putting the other one before yourself, that's exactly what I did, especially during these last months, when she was getting more and more into her personal problems, and I spent all my time trying to help her. I let school go, I let fun go, I let everything of myself go. I know it's not good for me, but that's how I am. With her even more, but even globally, I generally put the others before myself.
Even now, I keep on thinking about what I can do to help her with herself, and I surely accept that we have to split if that helps her (which is why she broke : "I feel too bad alone to be able to feel good in a relationship". Basically, she says she can't cope with being in a couple right now, and wants me not to wait for her as she doesn't know how long it will be and doesn't want to have this responsibility.). So, in my particular case, I wondered about NC being a bit of a punishment or not, and I realized that, even globally, the question stood.
Of course, in Sneeze's case, I understand that her ex didn't act correctly. The same would go for me if I realized that my girlfriend had just been just losing love for me and always denied it, I would have lost my trust for her and wouldn't care so much about her getting better, since she'd have lied about her problems and I'd have ruined months for nothing. But, for the moment, I do trust her, and don't want to make her feel worse.
</explanations>
Anyway, if you think I should leave this thread, I will. I apologize for posting that here, I admit it doesn't belong. It's just that I wanted to answer and I let my thoughts go while typing… Sorry !
PS : English is not my mother tongue, sorry for the errors I might do (egoistical, yeah)…
I'd hate to be "that guy" alcmene... but my ex told me the same thing. The last month or so, my ex was having health issues (blacking out for no reason... just overall weakness) so I tried to help her out quite a bit. Not only that, her grades were starting to slip, so you can imagine me running back and forth from my apartment to hers, trying to get her fed, get her rested, making sure she was studying but not too much, etc.Quote:
Originally Posted by Alcmene
In the end, she said that she just can't "handle a relationship, but doesn't want me to wait because she knows it's unfair and she has no idea how long it'll take"... we ended that night very amicably... hugged... she cried... etc.
... fast forward 2 weeks.. . she's with a new guy.
I'm not saying that this'll happen to you, but it is a method in which many girls utilize (not on purpose... of course, girls aren't evil ;)) to alleviate some guilt and responsibility. You can ask romefalls, Ihatewestseneca, freakinconfused... none of us got dumped in that mean way... we all got dumped by "I need space..."
Again, I hope that doesn't happen to you and I hope things work out for you, but I'm just saying... don't be shocked if it does happen.
Ps - I don't mind you posting here at all. However, if you do have a question you'd like to get answered by everyone, you'd get more exposure in a question of your own. If you just have a general comment, then feel free to post away.
Update.
I just returned from a dinner with a friend of mine... and over the course of the past 4 months, I've changed my diet... from going out to eat... to cooking food at home. I've started to eat healthier, started to work out a lot, getting more sleep, etc.
In the end, I've dropped about 20 lbs.
At dinner, my friend tells me that there's ANOTHER rumor going on (... why don't people take a break.. ) about me that I'm losing weight because I'm SO depressed that I've stopped eating.
... I laughed at this, because I couldn't care less.
Other than that, I've been talking to hot-but-independent girl on and off for the past week now... it's very hard to talk to her as I have this idea that there should be some reciprocity... but she doesn't call me if I don't call her... because of this (throw in my god-complex and my stubborn nature), we don't talk unless I call her... so we don't talk but every 3 - 4 days.
I'll be going to the shooting range this weekend with her... she's also bringing her best friend. Not sure what that means... but regardless, it should be a good time.
Finals in a week.
Graduation in 2.5 weeks.
Update:
Another update so fast sneezy?
That's right ladies and gents... I'm an updating machine.
I just got back from what was supposed to be a night out... but it kind of became a wash after some people were late... others didn't show up... we ended spending 2 hours at a local steak and shake just waiting around.
... in the end, we decided to come home. Sad.
However, my ex's friend... graciously invited me over to her place to "hang out" and "continue the night anyway"
... I... graciously declined. Yikes.
Good for you Sneezy.
Sounds like the ex's friend is interested in you, never a good idea to date the friend of an ex, been there done that, big drama, no reward, bad idea.
Nope... that's why I steered clear.
Update again! (must be christmas... or hanukkah... or kwanza... etc.)
I just got back from the range with hot-but-independent girl... we had a good time. Went to the range, popped off a few, then went to eat dinner. We got to know each other very well... we talked a lot too. Found out a lot about her, her family, and just overall had a good time. When I first met her, I thought we'd never run out of things to talk about... but I was wrong. There were small moments where we had some silences and I was trying to come up with things to talk about... but nevertheless, had fun.
The ex e-mailed me to tell me that she has some things to give back to me... my fridge (she had my mini fridge... ), my keyboard, my mouse, ethernet cord... to be honest, I think I'm going to just swallow my losses (I already have) and tell her to just keep it all... what am I going to do with those things?
Ah... I'm taking some time off to hang out until I go back out again in a little bit. How's everyone's weekend?
Hi Sneezy!
Glad you had a good time with "hot, but independant girl" That isn't such a bad thing is it? It's sure better than "hot, but very clingy girl" right?
I think I know what your ex is trying to do. You haven't been answering her calls, so now she is finding other things to contact you about, and at the same time trying to seem polite by wanting to return your things. Believe me, I was THAT girl once. (or twice, hehe) All of a sudden when it seemed like he wasn't answering his messages anymore, I made excuses to appeal to his 'greedy side' (for lack of a better term)
There is SUNNN here today, so the evil snow person is slowly melting away!
We are over at the doggie dance party later if you want to come and play some music! I got the party started with dedicating a "bubble" song to Chicky! LOL ;)
Glad to see your progress..
Im almost a month of NC I think.. I should probably look back at my posts and see but there's no point looking back really.. 1 month of NC.. 1 month and a week or two since we broke up...
I've been talking to this old friend of mine on the phone a lot.. well she does most of the talking which can be quite irritating.. She's really attractive and she invited me to go down to see her for the weekend.. It's strange though because she usually messages me or asks me to call, and when I reply she probably won't reply.. It's been a week or so that she has this habit of doing this.. so much like you sneezy I stopped texting first/calling.. and yeah we talk every couple of days now..
I still miss my ex a lot.. have my weak moments at times.. She updated her Facebook profile and she's so pretty.. shouldnt be looking but I got the update on my main page.. was going through my cell phone videos as well and there were a few with them in it..
I was going to make a movie out of the clips with my own music in the background.. and maybe put it on YouTube.. but I think that's probably a really really bad idea right?
Yes it is.dont reply.
Haha, I'll reply anyway.. . don't look at her fbook. That thing is the devil. Luckily for me, my ex actually looks worse now that she's with her new guy... and hot-but-independent girl... is definitely better looking (YES!) than my ex... I'm not comparing, but I'm also not complaining.
What throws me off a little bit is that hot-but-independent girl actually knows she's hot-and-independent... and will make small vain comments about herself... which is sort of a "wow, did you really just say that...?" but it also a bit endearing. I guess we'll see if it's the attraction that's talking soon enough.
nickshehe: After about a month of NC, I suggest you look back over your post... and see how much of an improvement you've made. It may not have been much, but I have a feeling that you've definitely made an improvement... you'll be surprised.
Sneezy, silences can be very comfortable. When yours and hers are comfortable, you will realize you are making headway in a relationship. (but you knew that)
When she makes one of her "comments," poke a little fun at her to see what happens, what she does. You can take her measure that way too.
Where are you going next?
Heh, one thing I've started doing is to make fun of her every now and then to bring her down a notch... nothing mean, just a little playful.
I was thinking to call her Tuesday night to see if she wanted to watch a movie... but one thing that's very difficult about this girl is that she's very busy with her own friends (remember that lunch planned out 3 weeks in advance?) so... if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. If it happens, great. I'm sure she's pretty aware of my attraction towards her... only a blind/deaf/mute... actually, a blind/deaf/mute would notice it as well.
In about 2 weeks, she's leaving to go home, then she's moving for work, so... I have no expectations, simply enjoying the time I have now.
Yes, do it in your usual droll way. It's the most charming part of you.Quote:
Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny
You're so funny sometimes (most of the time) Sneeze! You make me giggle! I'm glad you're just having fun with it... as "blind/deaf/mute" as you are! LOL! I sooo want to be your age again! Please study up in Med School on a youth serum! Even if it only lasts for a day!. :D ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny
Update:
I broke NC! I did I did!
Yes, tal, you can hit me if you wish... I think synnen has a whip somewhere.
I've gotten 4 - 5 e-mails from my ex wondering what she should do with my things... so in the end, I just sent her an e-mail saying that she can keep it, sell it, give it away... whatever she'd like.
I knew it was a trap, I went for the trap, and I fell in the trap... head first.
I went to dinner with a mutual friend tonight, and at dinner, I asked, "Do you need a mini-fridge, by any chance?"
Her response was priceless: "...can you please talk to her?"
My ex had a conversation with said mutual friend that pretty much said that my ex was using the whole "giving back my stuff" as an excuse to talk to me.
Points for starby.
I knew this... I wasn't shocked about it... so I replied, "I have nothing to say to her...at all. So, do you need a fridge?"
In the end, I decided to give the mutual friend my fridge, but she said she'd only accept it if I e-mailed my ex telling her that I allow her to give the fridge to mutual friend. I agreed.
I e-mailed my ex again, telling her that she can give the fridge to mutual friend. Her reply was pretty much condensed to:
- Thanks for responding
uh huh, no probs.
- I have no idea why you're so angry with me.
lady, if you don't know why I'm angry with you, perhaps you should rethink the whole "grad school" idea. A 7-year old could figure out why I would be mad. Let's cut the crap.
- Are you sure you don't want to talk to me?
yep. Thought I made that clear.
- Can we please talk?
nope.
- Do you want to throw away our entire friendship over what may be a misunderstanding?
It's not a misunderstanding. You threw it away when you decided to get with another guy within 2 weeks. You did it. Not me.
- There are rumors going on, and I want to set the record straight.
I know about the rumors, no need to set them straight.
- Can we talk at least once?
nope. Thought I made that clear... again
- If after talking once, you don't ever want to talk again, I understand.
uh huh
- If you don't even want that one talk, please tell me that you don't want that one talk.
if the act of ignoring your 22 calls, not responding to your 2 voice mails, and not replying to your 3 e-mails doesn't send you the message loud and clear, I have no idea whatelse I can do. Sorry lady.
My response to the e-mail?
"I think mutual friend said she wants the fridge. Please give it to her. As for the rest of the stuff, feel free to keep it, give it away, or sell it. Thanks"
As far as the other aspects of my "romance" life?
HBI girl and I are having lunch this week. I expect nothing. Just a simple, "I'll probably never see you again, so let's get together before we part ways" lunch.
Hot persian chick stood me up... but then called to say that she fell asleep, and will call me this week. Not buying it.
I met a girl while I was at an aquarium... she was working at one of the "touch the hermit crab" booths. It was quite unpopular, so I walked over, and had a nice chat. Got her number. I'll be seeing her sometime this week as well.
I am graduating in one week. I am backpacking through Europe for 2 weeks in the summer. I just put in a bid for a sports bar/grill and it was accepted.
... this summer's going to be ridiculous.
Stay tuned, folks... this ex-business isn't over yet.
Awww Sneezy. Well you knew that sooner or later she was going to make some sort of contact with you. She's been working really hard at that hasn't she! I think you handled it all pretty well though. If she doesn't get the hint after what you have said now, she never will.
I think you should call the "touch the hermit crab" girl LMAO! That just sounds funny to me... sorry, haha!
I need all the laughs I can get tonight... Niki is in doggie hosp... had surgery today, because she got attacked lastnite. The whole ordeal (well some of it) is on my Dancing with my Dog thread.
Starby sad :(
Brilliant update Sneeze. Your definitely right to keep your distance, she did dump you after all, guess they think that your feelings and thinking of her won't change after they dump us, but they do.
Their loss for sure.
Backpacking sounds great, and fair play on the bar and grill. 6 months on your doing fantastic!
Its to late. You have moved sufficiently through the healing process, that I can only hope you send me the address for that sports bar. The only advice I can really give is that BBQ Buffalo wings are a big hit on Sunday, during the game.Quote:
yes, tal, you can hit me if you wish... I think synnen has a whip somewhere.
Sneezy, Tal is right. You have healed very very well so the e-mailing her back shouldn't put you back and you should stay right on track. I think we are all in agreement about the sports bar, addresses for everyone ha ha.
I am really proud to see how you handled the situation, that could have been a disaster but you handled it like a pro. You could have simply begged for her back when she showed the slightest bit of interest, just remember that. You might thing you did a bad thing, but it could have went a lot worse!
CALL HERMIT GIRL! Ha ha
Yeah, I like booze and anything you can eat from a bar, so I'm down...Quote:
Originally Posted by Romefalls19
Anyway, is this freaking you out? I bet its not... I think I would feel like its no big deal at all, who cares if you made some contact. "Meh, sure keep my crap, do whatever" you gave nothing away my friend, you sacrificed no dignity, it was the best kind of contact you could give an ex. Short, simple, and somewhat emotionless.
Hey Sneezy,
I think it's OK that you made contact; don't be so hard on yourself. I mean honestly... you're over her. You still have angry feelings left over, but why woudn't you?? She's been quite persistent and you've made yourself pretty clear. She can take it or leave it. :T
Sounds like you handled it well to me. I wouldn't worry about it at all.
Nice job with the hermit crab girl... I have to learn to chat up women - its been way to long :)
P.S. - Can we call her crabs girl?:p
Thanks everyone. Yeah I figured I didn't handle it too bad... I just saw no way out of the situation, did what I had to do.
We can call her crabs girl... that works for me.
A good buddy of mine actually said, "sneeze...you have to learn to talk to random women. It's time."
We went to a club this past weekend, and I froze up... it's not really my scene... I'd rather not meet women in areas where they're falling over drunk and where it's so loud I have to shout to her.. . I pick my own places... like the aquarium. I do what I do.
Sneezy, not to mention at a club... God forbid if you are shouting to talk to the girl and you say something and the music stops! That would make for an embarrassing moment ha ha..
Talking to random women is truly a learned skill, it's all about being able to just be yourself around them. Like Sneezy, I was always afraid to go up to girls that I didn't know but a friend told me, "the worst the can say is no" so what do you have to lose? Don't use a pick up line, just say "hey how are you" I would place money you at least get a hello back
Or keep you buying drinks for them, YUCKKKKKKK!Quote:
"the worst they can say is no"
Very true Tal, which is why I support the full 3 drink policy that me and my friends have. We will only buy 3 drinks for a girl, if by the end of the 3 drinks we don't have a number then we cut off.
The best advice I ever got was to not just talk to random women. Talk to everyone - the guy/girl at your local coffee shop, the dry cleaner counter person, people that you deal with on a daily basis. I have met a lot of interesting people who have commented on an overheard conversation between me and the guy at the local mini-mart. I think it makes them see you as an outgoing, confident person and not a guy just out to pick up a woman and it automatically makes them more comfortable talking to you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Romefalls19
I don't think I have a problem talking to random women... I certainly walked up to a random girl who worked at the aquarium and started to talk to her... I just feel that the club scene isn't a good place to "talk" to girls. I prefer to meet them in coffee shops and libraries. Yes. I am a dork. Whoo hoo!
When you go to the local meat markets, that's what you get. Aquariums are good, or anyplace, besides a bar.
Yea, usually when I want to meet a girl to pursue a relationship, I go to nice places(coffee shop, mall, and musuems) but if I want a hook up then bar scene.
Please do not take that offensively women, I love you all. I have just learned through MY expierences that girls met at a bar usually equal not good relationship material lol
Yeah, I mean... really, when your kid asks how you met mom, do you want your story to go along with... "Well, I was at this club, getting smashed...and I saw your mom, and she was pretty freaking tipsy as well...vomiting and such...and she was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. So I took her back to my place..."
"And 9 months later, out popped you. This is why daddy is only around 2 weekends a month because alcohol seemed to release my better judgement."
Is this an updated version of the stork story I grew up with? :confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by Romefalls19
Or the cabbage patch tale I told my kids?? :D
... you guys are sick.
I love it.
Update:
I just got back from an end-of-the-year party for my school. Having a GREAT time at a bar, moving through the crowd, taking pictures, meeting with EVERYONE, just overall, having a good time. I see my ex with her new guy, no biggie, I give her a chin up, small smile, and keep walking. As I come back, she puts her arm around my stomach, grabs my shirt, and says, "Can we talk?"
I peel her hand off my shirt, reply, "Nope" and continue walking.
Throughout the night, she's seen trying to talk to my best bud to get some "sense" in me to try and talk with her... here's the best part... my best bud's drunk out of his mind, to the point he's talking to her... hugging her... etc... then looks at her, and goes, "..wait...who...are you?" classic.
All in all, she's upset throughout the night, and I just could not care. We all end up going to a different bar, and I catch her looking at me every now and then, and I get evil eyes from her new guy (... which I couldn't care less for, as... he's scared of me. The fact that he's scared of me is a cherry on top of my gigantic sundae with everything on top), and I just continue on with my night.
Could I have handled it better? Possibly... I could have not used the smart alecky "Nope" line, and instead have said, "No, sorry"... but to be honest, I was having a great time and I was a little tipsy. However, no regrets.
This entire week is senior's week at my university, which means I'll run into her VERY often... I'll keep you guys updated on the comedy. Right now, I'm still thinking of how my best bud talked to her for literally 20 - 30 minutes, and in the end, looked at her, and said, "...wait, who are you?"... it was by far, the funniest scene tonight.
Sounds good to me sneeze. Fair play my man.
And I bet your friend saying that made you laugh, made me laugh reading it!
Top man.
Oh Sneeze, you're so funny hun. What your friend said just cracked me right up! LMAO! That was great!
She made her bed...
Good for you bro.
Update before I leave:
I'm leaving for Europe tomorrow morning... so I'll put a small update here.
Nothing's changed since the last time I saw my ex... in fact, I've seen my ex every single day this past week (we're all graduating, so there are constant events + parties going on). I believe she's finally realized that I am not willing to speak to her. I always catch her looking at me when we're out, but she no longer approaches me. (tiny victory!)
I guess the highlight is when I was at a club/lounge with my friend's sister (to make it better... she was gorgeous), my ex was there as well. The girl and I left together at the end, us walking to our car on one sidewalk, my ex and her boyfriend walking on the other sidewalk... quite west-side story-esque.
Next day, I get an e-mail from a mutual friend that states:
- Did you hook up with friend's gorgeous sister? (FGS for short)
- Ex was pissed she saw me with her.
- Ex wrote mutual friend an e-mail that says:
:: ex misses me... a lot. As a boyfriend and as a friend.
:: ex and new boyfriend constantly fight... but they're still trying to work things out.
:: ex wants to talk to me... and she hopes us being in the same city next year will help a lot.
Could. Care. Less.
SO. That's the update so far. Me and HBI girl are pretty much dunzo... not sure what I said/did for things to go badly... I have a small idea, and it's that I have a few very close female friends who are very cuddly with me. They'll hug me and take me as their dates to different events. We're, however, just strictly friends.
One night, at an event, I was talking to HBI and a friend walked up, grabbed my hands, and said, "let's dance, date."... I'm not so sure HBI was upset by this, regardless... last time I texted her to grab something to eat, there was no response. Sad.
I'm off to Europe in the morning! I'll be back in 2 weeks! Be good everyone. Hope everyone's doing well with their NC.
If you happen to swing by nottingham let me know and ill buy you a pint :]
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