 |
So basically I need to just go NC and let her contact me if and when she wants. From there its really up to her if she want to be back with me in the future? Today has been harder than the past few days and I am just trying to drill it in my head what I need to do and how I should be thinking. I don't want to lose her but I also don't want to look like she can walk all over me.
I know this thread has gottten really big and everyone's advice has been great. I thank you all for reading my story and for your support. I am trying to deal with what's going on but I wasn't ready for this and still have a lot of tough times ahead. You have all helped me though, there is no doubt about it.
No you should NOT!!Quote:
So I shouldn't call and ask to speak to her.
She doesn't feel the same, thats why she broke up with you.Quote:
I still feel like she is doing whatever she wants with no consequences because she knows I want her and want to be with her no matter what.
She made a decision and she broke up with you, you are hanging because you have not accept this is over.Quote:
how do I make it clear to her that she needs to make a decision and not leave me hanging ?
No contact will allow you to handle your emotions, and make better decisions based on facts and not feelings.Quote:
Can NC alone accomplish this?
She already knows that so the answer is a simple NO!!Quote:
Shouldn't I make it clear to her by telling her that when she knows what she wants she can contact me.
Save yourself from further confusion by leaving her alone is your best way to heal and see things clearly. Stay with it.Quote:
I don't think she really knows how I feel about that, so I feel like I should tell her, even though I know its going to be hard.
Thanks tali and everyone, I will try my best to stay strong and follow your advice. I have to fight that urge I get to want to talk to her and see her. If she wants me back I guess she has to come to me. Thanks again
Take Talaniman's advice it is sound and very useful. If you have not already... take anything that you have that reminds you of her and box it up. It may help in your healing... the other is it still sounds like you have this false hope of getting back together based on your last post. I was just there, once you let go of that, I promise things will start to feel much better... trust me I was there. The other question you must really ask yourself is: do you really want to get back together? Was all of this pain that YOU went through worth it? Heal and then move on... there is plenty out there, but you must heal yourself before you find that TRUE ONE for you...
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedandLost
I may still have some false hope left in my head and my heart. That's mostly me just wanting her back but knowing its not looking good right now. Well the pain I have felt these past 3 weeks has sucked but if it turns out to be what's best for me and maybe her, then it was worth it. I am not going to lie and say that I don't want to get back together with her, because I do. I am just starting to realize I have to move on and let things fall where they may. I will try to follow all the advice as much as possible. Thanks
I know the pain that you are going through, I've been through it twice now and it is HORRIBLE. I think the biggest reason I would suggest NC right now is because later on you will be glad that you did it, and be happy with yourself. The first time I went through it I kept contacting/talking to her, and I really was ashamed of myself for it afterwards. This time (2 months ago) As soon as I knew it was over, I cut contact. She hasn't phoned and I'm glad. I will be able to look back on the situation, and while I didn't handle the first 2-3 weeks properly the rest went well and I will be proud of myself and the stuff I learned about myself.
Be strong and do this for yourself, you will be grateful someday. And watch the movie swingers ASAP, it will open your eyes ( I watch it a lot when times are like this)
Thanks for the support, I am doing my best to get through this and become a better person for the future, either with her or without her. I will keep everyone posted on my progress.Quote:
Originally Posted by madaman
This morning I was feeling weak and wanted to call her so bad to talk to her and let her know what I feel and ask her what the hell she wants. But coming on here and reading all the advice and other people's situations has made me see the big picture again. I don't know if I will ever leave this site! w/out it I think I would have given into my emotions by now.
I don't know if you want to hear this... but on account of my situation, I caught her and some guy Jake, who she is going to homecoming with on a date with another couple at AppleBees... I was devastated but I think I needed to see that in order to realize the truth which is that she doesn't want to be with me and I need to find someone else. She tells my friend that she does kind of like jake but she isn't gong to pursue anything for a while since its too soon since we just broke up about 2-3 weeks ago. She also told him that she has no feelings for me whatsoever anymore. After a yeaar and 2 minths, I think that I need to move on and live life and enjoy it and not worry about her... I'm starting to become depressed and I think I will remain this way till I fugure something to do with my life since aalll of my friends are being gay right now... Your better off than me because at least she cares for you still
Quote:
Originally Posted by WC583
Hey man hang in there, I know how you feel. My ex has been hanging out with another guy so I don't know what's going on there. She says she still cares about me , well she did last week so who knows this week. If she doesn't care for you anymore at all after over a year than obviously she isn't the one for you. Keep you head up, I know its hard.
Ok well I think I have come to a decision that I have thought long and hard about. I have taken many peoples advice into account and also what I think and know about myself and my ex. I mean this is like those situations where your parents say trust me I've been there about whatever situation it may be, but most of the time you make the mistake yourself and learn from doing it anyway. I take everyone's advice to heart and some of it I really believe and some I guess I have to see to believe. I am going to talk to her sometime this week or weekend, just put it out there and let her know what I want and what I am willing to do, and I need to know what she wants from me and what she is willing to do, if anything. This whole "space" ane "break" stuff is giving me hope and I want to know if that is false hope. I can speculate all I want and tell myself to just leave her alone but I know for sure that until I know and she tells me what she really wants and feels, I will not be able to move on. So I am prepared for the worst, I just need to hear it and see it come from her mouth to really let it sink in my head. Maybe this will just cause me more hurt, probably, but sometimes you just got to do what you think is right. I don't know if its right, but I feel I have no other choice for my own sanity. This way I leave knowing she knows how I feel and I know how she feels. I know myself and I know what she has told me so far, and there have been no solid answers or reasons. So this is something I have to do for myself, to be able to sleep at night knowing I put it all out there and she told me what she felt. Then I will be able to accept whatever comes from it and move forward. What the future holds between us after that will be up to her because I will not wait around forever wondering if she will be coming back around and I need to make it clear that if this is the decision you make, you have to live with it and know that you let me go. Ill keep you updated on what happens. If you have any opinions please let me know , I may be making a mistake but its my mistake to make. It's been almost a month and I have had no real closure from her and I feel I need it to start healing. I know many of you feel I should not contact her at all but sometimes you have to do what you feel inside. I thank you all again for the support and advice, I will keep you all updated on when its going down and what happens.
Good luck. Its going to hurt but it's a mistake it seems you have to and want to make. Promise yourself that you will let it go after this, fully completely. Im sure we have all done it and regret it, but we did it anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
You are marching off a cliff with this one. You are not going to do anything but look like a weak man to her by telling her yet AGAIN how you feel. You might as well put the last nail in the coffin so you can begin to move on and heal.
So would not saying anything and just moving on how I have been for the past 3 weeks be any better? I know she knows how I feel and what I want but what she hasn't told me is what she wants, she has said she is confused and needed time. Well how much time? I mean does she see us getting back together or is she moving on with someone else? That's the type of closure and answers I need from her, not so much me telling her how I feel since she already knows that. I am just confused about where we really stand and are moving in the future.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sdjosh
She has already told you what she wants and you have not given her space, you're calling her or texting her (even if it is to tell her good luck on a test or something, you still have not done what she asked you to do)
She is going out with other people, she is moving on. I think you are just not getting it.
You really need to accapt the face that she no longer wants to be with you and move on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
I have given her space, we have talked maybe 5 times or so in 3 weeks. What is making me feel this way is that she never said we are through for good and that's it, I am moving on with other people and don't want you in my life. She was like oh I still want to keep in touch and I still care for you and love you. So its like mixed signals. Its been 3 weeks and I am still confused as to what she really wants. She said she didn't know, so has she taken this time to think about herself and me and what she feels? That's all I want to know, I am not expecting her to say yeah lets get back together right now. I just want to know if she has already put me behind her and is moving forward without me. Its really to get a clearer picture if she still sees me as someone in her future or not. And if she still doesn't know then I give her more space, I am not trying to rush her , but for my own sanity I need to have an idea what she is thinking so I don't sit here with false hope that she is really taking this time to evaluate what we had and what she wants. I don't know if you understand but its something that I feel I need in order to move on whether its right or not. I mean do I sound crazy because I feel this ?
If you were going to be a part of her future, she wouldn't know now. That would be something only time would tell. By forcing her to tell you to go away, you will be finalizing this deal forever. If that is what you want then so be it, but you will not be happy with yourself after the fact.
She may have not told you explicitly to your face that she is 'done' with you, but look at her actions, read between the lines here. She wasn't mature enough to just tell you its over, so she says all that stuff 'well keep in touch' to let you down easier.
So the bottom line is if I really want a chance with her down the road, I need to just step back and let things settle themselves? Even if I feel now like I don't know what the hell is going on?
I think she doesn't know how to let you down yet. She hasn't told you yet but her actions speak for themselves. I know its hard to be in your shoes. You want so badly for it to work out or some hope. But Im telling you that its just a matter of time. And you are wasting valuable time that you can use to move on.
What you should do is be the one to end it with her. You are letting her dictate when its is over. Even though it is really hard to do, maybe you should take control of the situation and end it for your own peace of mind
What should be the main focus for you right now is YOU.
Most of us here have gone through the same thing... hell I just got out of a 7 year relationship. So I know where you are coming from.
But the best thing you can do is to work on you.
Get out and live.
-go to the gym.
-pick up old hobbies.
-start new hobbies.
-pick up the phone and call some buddies over for some laughs.
-go out with the guys and have some drinks.
Buy sitting there you are working against yourself. You are not improving your situation. Only hoping that she will come along and make everything OK.
So I should talk to her, lay down what I feel and want, see whatever she has to say and if its not that she is willing to work on a relationship, then I just tell her its over, I am done waiting around and clinging on to hope. If she changes her mind from here on out, she has to try to get me back and not me getting her back. She knows how I feel so its all up to her from here on.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sdjosh
Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
No... not like this. Don't lay out your feelings again. Dude she knows exactly how you feel because you never fail to tell her. She know what you want too. At this point she is seeing what else is out there. She is wanting to move on but can't let go of her safety net.
Think about it... we all want someone to love us right? It can be scary for someone to feel all alone and not loved.
What I'm saying is... In a very calm and composed manor you tell her that the time you and her spent together over the years has been great and you will keep those memories. But that you cannot stand by and let life pass you by. Tell her that since she has things to figure out that she should go do that. That is was a great experience but it is time to move on.
I think if you do that you are asking for more of the same drama. We've all been there when we were real young... and trust me, the more women I dated the more I found out the one who I thought was miss perfect in my teens was really more like Miss Seriously imperfect.Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
You want someone who does not give you frequent drama, trust me a good partner rarely gives you that sort of trouble. Oh, perfection doesn't exist... but with a great match you don't have to fight and argue to get what you want all the time or even frequently, a perfect partner knows this and gives it to you without asking for it. You know and compliment each other without even needing to explain things or ask for them. It took me till I was 29 to find my wife. I dated a lot of women before I found this one. I can't even remember all their names much less exactly how many.
Count your blessings you did not marry her or worse have kids with her. Listen to the advice here... some mistakes last a lifetime.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sdjosh
Thanks, It is definitely going to be hard to do that and try not to get too emotional. I am really afraid of losing her and I feel like she's slipping away. I just want her to realize that I am the guy she wants. I know I can't control that, but I wish there was something else I could do. I appreciate your advice and support.
I know how you are feeling. I wanted the same things. You have already lost her but you just haven't accepted it yet.Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
If you are going to have trouble holding your emotions in check when you do it, then write down exactly what you want to say. Practice it... But you want to walk away from this with your head held high. So compose yourself and be confident in your decision to take control of your own life and move on.
You are going to make it through this. There are so many of us on here that have gone through the same thing... which proves that you will be OK.
Just rip off the band aid
I think that is good advice. You be the one to end it, then you know where you stand.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sdjosh
I am going to be honest and say that I don't know if I can do it yet. I want to end this misery I am in but I also don't want to lose her and rush her to make a decision to leave me behind. I just want her to be happy with me and us, I know I have to talk to her and do this but it will be the hardest thing I have done thus far in my life. I hope it works out and she realizes one day that I am the one for her.
I would say it's too soon for you to be as strong as we're all hoping for you to be any way.
If you look at most our posts, we took like a good year or more to get "half" better. You just need some time out, and that's fine.
But remember to not stick in "time out" for too long, because depression and sadness can be very addictive. Take your time with this, but please do something tiny to advance yourself each day (even if that means skipping junk food for a day, cleaning your basement, or putting away an extra dollar).
You won't get over her all in one night, but I promise you that things will get better in tiny doses. It might takes weeks, months, or even a few years; the time is unknown, but what's sure/100% is that you will get through this! Take your time healing, but please be positive, and make sure you don't stay in the past, because you will never grow as a person or "advance" if you just stay there living your memories.
Thanks sad, well I mean I don't know if I should really talk to her yet and tell her that I need to know now what she feels and make her either decide to be with me or not. I don't want to push her and in doing so push her away. I am starting to get use to not calling her all the time, and talking to her as much and I do miss her but I am getting through it. I just don't want to ruin anything now by pressing and making her cut ties with me if she is still confused. So I am going to go with the flow for now, and see what this week holds. At the end of the week I will see how I feel and if she has even contacted me at all. Then I can more clearly make the decision to ask to talk to her and let her know that I need some closure. I have made some progress so far, I don't always feel like crying and depressed and I have been eating more which was a problem the first week. So slowly I am getting through this one day at a time. I don't know what the future holds so I don't really want to burn any bridges with her and look back thinking I made a mistake because I was impatient.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Soul
Hi bummedout4
U want to know what is going on? OK
She dumped u, she does not need u, she does not love you anymore, she is just coping what remained of her feelings to u, she is going with others while she leaves you killing yourself with thinking about what the hell she is doing and how she feels
OK she does not care about u, for her you are just the past and the new guy is the future, till she dumps him too and go 4 another stupid, OPEN UR EYES MAN. Don't u see?
I know that every time you think about her you see the same angel who was with u 4 years ago. But you got to know that a lot of peopl are like this , they are sweet for sometime not all the time
She kicked u, and you don't need to know what the hell is she doing, let it go man just let it go
Don't believe she needs space, don't believe she does not has an affair with that guy, but remember she was 100% with u, now she is 1 % with and 99% with the other guy and she is healing her self till she is 100% with the other
Don't call her . Just walk with the knif stapped into your heart but BE A MAN, u worth another good girl, it won't be now but believe me you will find another one, I know you can't see anyone but her eyes, I know her voice blocks your ears, and she is sitting in your heart for good, but walk with the knife in your heart and don't take it off till you feel you can do it.
God damn her she killed you and she is enjoying her life without um don't u believe it? It is hard but true. Later on you going to remember small details the could led you to her real personality, but you did not see those small details , but now you going to see it and you will wonder how the hell you could not notice all those sh!ts
BE STRONG< BE A MAN< KICK HER OUTA UR LIFE< AND REMEMBER THAT SHE WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER COME BACK BELIEVE ME
You already know all that, but are not ready to accept that this is over, and its about what you do now, with your life. Give me your address so I can SLAP some reality in you.Quote:
need to know now what she feels
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonWalker
What you say makes a lot of sense. You are right that I don't believe it, but it may be true. Its horrible and I do feel like crap , I can't believe she would ever hurt me like this. I thought she loved me and wanted to be with me but I guess not. I am going to talk to her sometime this week and just tell her that I don't deserve this crap and she is either with me or not. If not , then call me when you realize that you made a mistake, and if you don't then I guess that's it. I am trying to gather the strength to do this and finally take control of my life. Thank you
NO!
Do NOT talk to her this week!
DO talk to OTHER girls this week!
She was VERY cold-hearted to you at the heart of it all-
You should be ANGRY, not crying to her ANY MORE!
Well I want her to know that she is not dragging me along anymore. We left it like we were still friendly and will keep in touch the last time we talked. She knows I am devastated and thinking about her and hurt. She needs to know that I won't put up with this and that I am moving on without her, since that is what she wants. I am not going to cry to her, I am going to tell her that she can't do this to me anymore because I am emotionally drained and my mind is a mess because of her. So this has to end and she has to know it.
Great point Tal.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
If you want to say anything, say the above statement. It is short, sweet and isn't over emotional. You don't want to come across as whiney. If you tell her what you are thinking of telling her, you will come across as whiney and immature. You want it to appear that you have the upper hand. The relationship is over. Now the closure consists of a game of chess... figuratively of course.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sdjosh
Good luck!
Quote:
Originally Posted by star3114
Thanks, I will need it.
NO! NOOOOO!Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
She's not going to know that you are not being dragged along when you want to randomly call her to tell her "sorry I'm not gonna be dragged along anymore".
This act will actually only show her how you have been miserable and have had nothing to do but to DRAG YOURSELF ALONG. You're choosing to be dragged along, and NO CONTACT was to save you from not only feeling more heart ache, but to also save you from showing your ex that your world has (seemingly) fallen apart at her feet.
Trust us that she will notice you're not calling. This will shock the living daylights out of her. Maybe not this month or next month, but eventually she'll be curious.
Please bummedout, more action and less talk. Just start being an actor, and play against all your desires right now, and eventually your emotions will adjust a bit. You'll, for example, become use to not calling her more and more if you force your body to never dial that number again.
This is the same for you workingout, eating right, saving, cleaning up, doing this and that, and everything else that will help you in life.
When she calls, which she will, you can let her know what's best for you. After all, she sure let you know what the hell was best for her!
And just a warning: When you tell her you want out and for her to leave you alone, you might feel a sudden rush of "what-ifs" or "now she won't come back to me because I said those things!!!" Just know that that is NOT TRUE. When a girl is madly in love with her ex, don't worry, she will let him know.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:22 PM. |