I spent many years in an abusive marriage. I lost friends who tried to save me. One couple lived in the same house as us and had directed me to a divorce lawyer and I chickened out. They moved out in disgust. An abusive relationship just takes and takes. You just lose and lose. I even volunteered on a DV helpline to try to force myself to leave. When the dawn finally broke over Marblehead it was when I hit bottom. Even though we'd had knockdown, drag out fights for a long time, it was a slap in the face that ended it.

I write about this in the first chapter of my book that I finally realized that no one has the right to put their hands on you NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR DO NOT DO.

Abuse is never okay. Its just not. It is possible to leave an abusive situation and lead a happy life.

There is no "doing right "by an abuser. There is only doing right by you.

I don't blame the victim but you get what you put up with. Once I stopped putting up with it, it stopped happening in my life. There is a dysfunctional dance that partners in a DV relationship do and you have to recognize and change your steps in the dance.

Unless and until you put yourself first, you will never break the sick chains of the DV relationship.

You must learn to do right by YOU and you alone. You cannot do right by you AND take care of him and you must never abandon you. NEVER.

Hey, LovesAnimals, thanks for checking in with us. Always look for your posts.

Please don't wait for the court date to leave. I've already posted what could happen. You know that is just your way of putting it off. You need to be away from him and you know it. Do right by you! You are young and could have a wonderful future ahead of you. Don't deny yourself a happy life. Be safe.

Hi, it's been a few weeks since I've posted anything. I am still safe but still not in a good place because nothing has changed in my life. Everything is the same... I've not posted because I really don't want to come across as a whinny "poor me" person.

I've had bad days (where everything is so confusing) and good days (where I see everything with clarity). I know I'm the only one that can change anything in my life but when I get the strength to do it... something always happens (or so I let something else happen).

His court dates keep getting pushed back and postponed. His defense is that I lied at the doctor and to the sheriff but no one will believe that and I can't go into a court of law and lie. I was just told there is no spousal privilege in a case like this though so... I've not been contacted but I'm sure it's a matter of time.

Thank you to all of you for your support when I've needed you. I still will go back and read the messages you've written so far to help give me strength to make it through each day. I really try to look at everything you know?

Well, I just wanted to let you know nothing profound has happened but nothing horrible has happened either...

Thanks,
Loves Animals

When are you going to make a clean break? Are you waiting to see what happens after his court date? Are you expecting things to change?

I don't understand... he's going to go in and tell the judge that you lied about everything and that he did nothing wrong. You know otherwise... why stay with him when you know that he is going to be calling you a liar on top of everything else?

Is it financial? Is it fear? Are you afraid there will be reprecussions if you leave or kick him out?

When you are you going to start living your life instead of just existing on his time schedule? Don't wait for it to be forced on you after he goes to court... take back your life... on your own terms.

I just came across this post. LovesAnimals, what kind of flowers do you like? You won't leave and he will get more violent, intentions notwithstanding. Rest in Peace.

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

When are you going to make a clean break?? Are you waiting to see what happens after his court date? Are you expecting things to change?

I don't understand...he's going to go in and tell the judge that you lied about everything and that he did nothing wrong. You know otherwise....why stay with him when you know that he is going to be calling you a liar on top of everything else??

Is it financial? Is it fear? Are you afraid there will be reprecussions if you leave or kick him out?

When you are you going to start living your life instead of just existing on his time schedule? Don't wait for it to be forced on you after he goes to court.....take back your life....on your own terms.

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Your post is a good one and very correct... but that question has been asked of her many times, I believe that it doesn't matter what the reason is that she is not leaving... she just doesn't want to (period).

You will always find a drama that keeps you.
You know there are women's shelters that will get you a new life and away from him where he can't find you.
You are going to end up with any of these results
Looking back and wishing you hadn't wasted your life on this guy
Choked to death or killed one way or another by him
Living the rest of your life with the same mess and not getting anywhere.

Move on the faster you get away the faster you can find your prince
Charming. Trust me I've been through all that and I left and found the man of my dreams.

I seem to be alone here - I honestly DO understand the reasons women don't leave, how good women get tied into bad men. Afraid of being alone, having someone is better than having no one, he says he loves me and maybe he does.

All I can do is keep you in my thoughts and pray you are safe.

Everything good - and everything bad - comes in time. You know what your options are. You just have to come to a place of comfort and peace.

Thinking about you -

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I seem to be alone here - I honestly DO understand the reasons women don't leave, how good women get tied into bad men. Afraid of being alone, having someone is better than having no one, he says he loves me and maybe he does.

All I can do is keep you in my thoughts and pray you are safe.

Everything good - and everything bad - comes in time. You know what your options are. You just have to come to a place of comfort and peace.

Thinking about you -

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No, you're not alone... I agree, certainly there are reasons women don't leave. Many of us here have gone through the same thing or something similar... finding it hard to move forward even though we knew it had to be done... finding excuses not to, holding onto glimmers that things might change, letting our fears hold us back... but there comes a time when a woman needs to make those moves to protect herself.

That time will be different for everyone, but sometimes women need to have a "push" in order to take that last step... to break through the fear of being alone, of wondering how they will manage, of what people will think, the reasons are numerous.

If this were just an unhappy marriage, that would be different, but this involves physical abuse and that makes the stakes much higher.

Hey LovesAnimals, glad to hear from you.

Your last sentence about nothing profound has happened and nothing horrible has happened made me think. You know, you're right. NOTHING is happening in your life. You have to want more.

I understand why you're not leaving. You are overwhelmed with guilt for causing his legal problems. Right? Isn't that what he's been saying? Now you believe it.

I told you the court date would be like that. No definite date.

You can't base any decisions on when to leave on the court date.

Believe me, you do not want to be under the same roof when you come home from court, no matter what the outcome is.

Take care and be safe.

Move, get out

I join the others and ask what exactly are you waiting for? There will always be excuses to stay, you could wait a lifetime because excuses for everything will be there for life?

You have a lot of people pulling for you.

Hi. Guess I have some questions to answer...

What am I waiting for? Honestly I really don't know execpt that maybe deep down things WILL change. I've read everything that you've posted and all the stories that seem so close to home but I can't help it? I don't know think it's because I can't find someone else because I know that's true. I think I just have a deep sense of committement and I really worry about him. I'm not mentally well in the respect. I must not love myself that much if I continue to be with someone who has hurt me the way he has. I really am trying to find that place though. But then... I feel selfish for only thinking of me and my feelings.

Yeah... I'm going through a lot right now with major financial problems and then all the emotional stress of this situation affecting me in every aspect of my life (work... etc.) But at the same time I can't help but feel for him because he's facing prison and they are trying to get him for a lot of years... I wasn't mad at him for what he did to me or how he's talked to me but just confused and don't understand why? I don't want to give up hope and I guess that's what my big problem is. I wish I could be mad at him because then it would make all of this so much easier.

I guess I just picture how our life once was when we were happy or at least how I saw it and want that feeling back. I don't take marriage lightly. My parents have been together since they were 18... Yeah they fight and bicker and complain about each other. My dad's ruling is the last word and that type of thing but he's never laid a hand on my mom or direspected her. He has his ways and wants things the way he wants them no matter what but never any disrespect and I guess there's the difference but I was taught patience from my mom...

I know I've not been the perfect wife (no one is) but I really feel I've tried. All I know is that I've heard everything said to me on this thread and I understand all of it but I guess I just don't want to believe it. Until I can bring myself to that point nothing will change and you are all right. The only way to move to that next level is to not have him in my life. I don't really think he realized how he is. I think he honestly believes he is a different person.

He spouts off things like in astrology it says his sign is very intelligent and is often misunderstood. They say things in a manner that others just don't get what they are trying to convey. I think he truly believes this.

Court is moving along and he has a preliminary trial coming up in the next few weeks. They are trying to come up with a stratgy to get him off but they want me to say someone else did it... but I don't know who because it was some random guy. I can't do that though. I wished I never told the Dr. anything but then again... something inside me or a greater force had me saw what I said for a reason. I don't know?

I'm just taking one day at a time and trying to pay my bills and do good at work and trying to focus on me without putting myself in harms way. I promised to meet with him and his lawyer this afternoon so I'll know more about what's going on with that today and if they are going to try to blame or hang me... Chris Brown only got probation so maybe they'll give him a plea to and I won't have to be involved. Too bad I can't just plead the 5th.

Oh well... just wanted to say I really am listening to everything and all the advice you are giving me and storing it up for when I reach my point. There's got to be one right? Well, take care and I look up to you all that have had the courage to take control of your lives and move on...

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Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

Oh well...just wanted to say I really am listening to everything and all the advice you are giving me and storing it up for when I reach my point.

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You are hearing what we have to say, but listening is something different.

Hearing - a comprehension of the dialogue that is shared. An ablity to respond to the dialogue accordingly.

Listening - a comprehension and understanding of the dialogue. An ablity to follow through or absorb the direction of the dialogue regarding the point of the speaker's message.

My children hear everything I tell them, that doesn't mean that they are listening to me.

You will never leave if you continue to stay with him. I must say your actions are pointing towards staying.

I'm still listening to her and think she is trying to be strong and get out. It's just not that easy for all the reasons I've stated before.

Lovesanimals needs support - personal, on line, whatever - not criticism.

I've been there.

LovesAnimals, you are going to keep on making excuse after excuse for your husband. I did that all the time. Then one day I left and went to that DV shelter. If I wouldn't have gone to that shelter, I would have kept going back to him. There were other women in the shelter who shared their story and we all helped each other help ourselves. They put me through counseling, which helped out a lot. There is no way that I could have left and stayed gone for good. I would have kept going back if I didn't have that support. You can NOT do this on your own. You need other people who have been in your shoes and are going through the same thing that you are going through. You need to call shelters and not think about it and just go to one. Then when you make that giant leap you will tell yourself that you have gone this far, why not go a little farther. You will have a support group and other people who will help you get through this.

You need to stop feeling sorry for him and start feeling sorry for yourself. He is manipulating you and you are just taking the bait. He wants you to commit perjury so he can get out of trouble. Then you will be the one getting out of trouble. You may regret talking to the sheriff at the doctor's appointment, but I believe that you had an angel looking over you. You would have never told the cops that if they wouldn't have tricked you. You needed that! This guy needs to be in jail. I never wanted to put my daughter's father in jail, but looking back now, I totally wish that I would have told the cops everything when it happened.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will only be harder before it ever gets easier. Please take my advice and take that plunge to go to a shelter. Espically if things don't go his way at court. If he doesn't go to jail, but knows that he is going to get a heafty sentence, then he may actually kill you.

Chris Brown got off with a slap on the wrist because he had really good lawyers and he had a lot of money. I wouldn't bank on that happening for your husband. You shouldn't fell bad that he is going to jail or prison. Then maybe he can pick on people his own sixe you can actually defend themselves.

Please get out. I wish that you lived close to me so I could meet with you and talk to you. You need to find a good support group. I will look up shelters for you if you would like me to. I do believe that going to a shelter is going to be the only way that you get out. You need that support from all of those people to really understand what your worth is. I will be praying for you to open your eyes.

You really need to pray to God for guidance. I laid in bed and prayed for two months before I left my daughter's father for him to give me strength and a way out. And he provided me with both, plus more.

Hang in there, hopefully you will leave before it is to late.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I'm still listening to her and think she is trying to be strong and get out. It's just not that easy for all the reasons I've stated before.

Lovesanimals needs support - personal, on line, whatever - not criticism.

I've been there.

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I totally agree with you. It is a lot harder to leave a domestic situation than most people think it is. Many people say, if it were me, I would be gone that instant. But, it is a lot easier said than done. You never know until you are put in that situation.

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Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

I wasn't mad at him for what he did to me or how he's talked to me... I wish I could be mad at him because then it would make all of this so much easier.

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I think there's a proper place and function for the primal emotion of anger, just as there is for fear. The proper function of these reactions is to propel us out of situations that are a serious threat to our personal survival. You are in a life-threatening situation, so both anger and fear are appropriate responses. You have learned to suppress these emotions too much for your own good.

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I don't really think he realized how he is. I think he honestly believes he is a different person.

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Habitually angry people avoid introspection at all costs, so it's not surprising that he doesn't recognize himself in the mirror.

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Oh well... just wanted to say I really am listening to everything and all the advice you are giving me and storing it up for when I reach my point. There's got to be one right?

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The question that has all of us with our hearts in our throats is whether you'll "reach your point" before he kills you. It's excruciating, because we all know it could go either way. And if he does kill you, we may never find out about it. You'll just stop posting.