Ask Me Help Desk - This "No Contact Rule" is not working for me

Threads merged for the whole story and background.

Well, many know my story but for the few that don't, I will summarize everything in a few short sentences.

My girlfriend and I dated for 1.5 years. We broke up because she told me she wanted to go out and experience. She said she was young and wanted to see if there are others who would fit her better. I let her go and decided to have no contact in order to heal. Once she found out that I moved on, she came back asking me to be with her. I decided to get back with her thinking that with some work things could work out and we would become happy. Shortly afterwards things occurred that made me uncomfortable. One night a "guy friend" who I knew liked her gave her a back rub in front of me. She did nothing to stop this and it made me very uncomfortable. So that is the short version, if you need more details please visit my two other threads. All of this brings us to today.

Together, we have been trying to work on our relationship. Both of us agreed that we needed to have space since last time we dated we started constantly fighting because we were together every single moment. Her and I though had two different definitions for space. Mine was that once in a while I would enjoy having some time to myself to do things on my own or with other friends. Her definition, according to my interpretation(to which she agreed on), has more of an independence aspect. In that she wants to go out and do many things on her own (hang out with friends, go to concerts, etc... ) and at the end of the day come home to me for emotional support. She wants to be able to everything she wants while still having me by her side.

I have nothing wrong with the fact that she wants to do things on her own and that she needs to be independent. I never once have told her not to go somewhere or to be with me instead. But every time I ask her to do something she tells me she has other times. For example: Today I took a sick day because I was not feeling too well and had a lot of work to catch up on. Even though I had a lot of work, I asked her if she wanted to go drive somewhere and maybe go for a hike. Immediately she tells me she is going downtown with her friend and later on she is going to yoga class with another friend. I know that she cannot be there for me anytime I have some free time but I feel as if she is putting everything in front of me. I feel like I am on an unequal pedestal where her independence is towering over me.

I feel like that I am not getting respected and that I am just being used as a tool for her happiness. I know she is young and she needs to be experiencing things but I do not want her to drag me along while she does all of this. If she needs to continue doing this than I would rather let her go. I am looking for someone who is will to put me on an equal pedestal where I feel like she is passionate about her experiences/goals/future but also is passionate about being with me.

I apologize for the long rant and I know many of you have told me to end this. But I have been having a difficult time in doing this because I feel that I am being unreasonable here with her. Am I too controlling? Am I asking too much? Am I a horrible person for asking this from her? I love her and when things are good, she makes me feel like a million bucks. What do I need to work on?

OR

Like everyone has been telling... it is time to let her go and move on.

I am just heart wrenched and have thousands of feelings running through me. I feel like I am a , and a horrible partner.

Hey, I didn't read your other posts, but I'll assume that you highlighted the important aspects in your summary.

If you really want to save this relationship, you're going to have to talk to her and tell her all these doubts that you have of her.

But the way I see it is, eventually you guys are going to break up, so you're delaying the inevitable.

Maybe your just not compatible enough to maintain an equal relationship. It happens. Don't feel guilty that you don't know what to do, to change things, as something's you cannot control (her) so do what you must for yourself.

Threads merged as this is about the same girl

My partner and I have been dating little over 1.5 yrs now and over the past couple months I felt as if I am being constantly belittled, criticized, and judged. For example the other night her and I had a conversation about masculinity and reasons while males act differently when they are around other males. After she stated her opinion, I started to give mine. The second I finished the first sentence she smirked and tried to hide her smile. Another example involves our studying habits. She is always on top of things, never gets distracted, and has a perfect GPA. I on the other hand tend to procrastinate a bit and get distracted easier. But, I have three jobs and other school activities that make me exhausted by the end of the day. She calls me out on the slacking and tells me that I am not working hard. There are many more examples of this.

So, all of this makes me always feel like I am less intelligent than her. That I am slacker and that I can not participate in intellectual/philosophical conversations. She is better off in every possible way, financially, acedemically, and other. I on the other hand am not as fortunate. I am not even from this country nor do my parents make enough money to pay for my college education. This is why I work three jobs and attend school full time. I have spoken to her how I feel about this but she always tries to argue it and make it somehow my fault. She has admitted fault partially and apologized for specific situations but I do not know if she fully understands. We are very good about talking with each other but often have problems with avoiding an argument.

Is there anything that I can do to explain things better to her?

Firstly... I am sorry that you're in this position

She may never truly understand where you are coming from because she is native to that country and her family is well off so she doesn't have to work 3 jobs to attend school... all I can suggest to you is not to take her smirks and opinions too personally... she may try to understand your side... as much and as well as you may be trying to explain but because she hasn't had to live like that and sorry to say... she doesn't seem to want to totally understand as she already has her own opinions... she will never truly understand.

The 2 of you are 2 entirely different people and come from 2 different situations and backgrounds and neither of you can or should be compared to one another as equals... thats why you think or feel that she is better but this is not true. Since you don't have the privileges that she does you have to work 3 jobs... this is not easy... this causes you fatigue and extra stress and because of this you are less inclined to study... this is normal and does not make you a slacker... it is normal that after a hard day of work... that you need time to unwind and relax. If you want to explain to her better... you can tell her that its not that you're a slacker... it's not that you don't want to be on the top of your work... its just that after working all the time you need to unwind before hitting the books... it doesn't make you dumber or less of a person than she is.

Hope this helps and makes you feel better about yourself... never let anyone belittle you for doing what you must to survive!

Thank you, that was very helpul and uplifting.

Those three things in your title give you more than enough reason to leave the relationship.

Sarah

Your from Mars, she is from Venus, your both on Earth, and you have to many things going on to evaluate something as complex as maintaining a healthy relationship. That's why your threads were merged, as to give a complete picture to ALL the problems your having with this female.

What makes a relationship work through difficult times? The willingness of both partners to work together, through honest communications, to resolve their issues.

Sorry, don't see it here, as you two haven't learned how to communicate well enough to get along, and that should be a topic of discussion between you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

Just as an FYI--my best friend is a guy. I'm married. My guy friend would LOVE to get into my pants, but he respects the relationship that my husband and I have. So--my husband knows that he has the hots for me, and that I see him as a friend.

And if my husband EVER told me that I couldn't be around my guy friend, whether he was right or wrong, that would cause one doozy of an argument that would have the potential to break up our marriage.

Either there is trust or there isn't. If there isn't, then what are you doing in that relationship?

In you, I see a guy that it possessive to the point of obsession, and that's even less healthy than enjoying the attention of more than one person.

No I don't think so somehow. You seem to be laying the blame on this guy rather than her? You have a point obsession is unhealthy. This guy however questions her motives and his relationship which shows he's not obsessed he just wants his relationship to work. If he was he would not be on here asking for help as anything bad she does will be accepted due to his obsession.

He may be a little imature in his approach at times but he knows what's right and wrong. What this girl is doing is totally wrong. She knows this other guy wants her yet lets him have his hands all over her in front of her boyfriend. For a relationship that had problems in the first place. With a girl who wanted to have a bit of fun instead of being in a relationship. I think I'd be a little worried too.

You seem to accept her behaviour which leads me to believe you may do the same thing with this friend of yours who has the hots for you. There is nothing wrong with being friends with someone but when one has a secret agenda i.e. to get in your pants. How can you ever have a totally "friendly" approach to your relationship.

You might like the attention of a man who finds you attractive and wants you more than a friend. This however is hanging onto part of a single life. Why don't you get a proper male friend one who won't be secretly hoping your marriage will fail and get that chance in your pants.

Lets realize that the threads have been merged, and get the whole story, as this relationship has many problems.

You all have made some great points besides the obsession part. I am nowhere near that.

Why is it that I am still with her? Why is it that I allowed her back in my life? She is such a wonderful person, with so many qualities that I adore. But, somehow I still feel there is something between us that is not matching. Is it the fact that we can't communicate well? Are we just not compatible anymore? We argue about the tiniest things and then the same day we end up having the most romantic evening.

A relationship shouldn't be about constantly putting out fires. You are both putting fires out with the expectation of another one occurring. That is no way to live. What was the spark that held you two together is now the cause of constant fights and arguments. I see no way this relationship can ever go back to normal my friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by A4Effort

YBut, somehow I still feel there is something between us that is not matching. Is it the fact that we can't communicate well? Are we just not compatible anymore? We argue about the tiniest things and then the same day we end up having the most romantic evening.

Communication is an important ingredient for your relationship to even have a chance of lasting. This is why the two of you agrue over the silliest thing because the two of you can't come together and talk things out in a mature, open, civil matter. How much longer do you expect to keep this up? One day someone is going grow some balls and leave. So the question is who will that be? You or her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

Communication is an important ingredient for your relationship to even have a chance of lasting. This is why the two of you agrue over the silliest thing because the two of you can't come together and talk things out in a mature, open, civil matter. How much longer do you expect to keep this up? One day someone is going grow some balls and leave. So the question is who will that be? You or her?

Had to spread rep, Liz. I agree with you completely.

And yes, someone needs to grow some balls... LOL.

In relationships you can get to the stage where you really over-analyse things and each of you becomes hyper-sensitive to the other person's cues.

I suspect that you need to back off, and make a conscious effort to just let things be - without trying to influence the outcome. (I know, it's really hard, as I've been there myself.)

It's not exactly NC - but it's a way of getting a sense of perspective. You let go of your expectation and your desire regarding the person and the relationship.

When you find yourself over-analysing or over-thinking, just say to yourself 'stop!'.

When you find yourself wanting to argue with her about anything, just say to yourself 'stop!'.

When you find yourself thinking - should I stay or should I leave - just say to yourself 'stop!'.

Just do it a day at a time. Focus on it. Let go of the outcome.

Eventually you will find that the circular thinking eases a little, and what you need to do (as opposed to what you want to do) will become clearer.

I'm sorry that you've been having trouble in your relationship and still trying to get past the problems. I was in a similar relationship where I would be afraid of my girl leaving me. I've been in NC with her since April 21st, even a short time as this told me that if she really wanted to be with me, there would be no worries about her leaving me... at all.

You've got to realize the fact that she's worried about herself before you, instead of the relationship and as a couple.

I'm not very experienced in these kind of things but I'm also learning; I want you to see what I see and what needs to be seen.