So what am I supposed to do? I want her to trust me again, but I keep letting her get me excited and then hurting me again and again, I'm doing it to myself because I just haven't been able to wait for her to contact me. She says she's afraid that I'm going to hurt her again, but then she just treats me like a casual guy friend or she completely shuts me out.
Why doesn't she understand that I've been suffering so much just waiting to hear her voice, and all she does is make more questions, she won't tell me what she feels she only evades me and gives me half answers. Isn't it time that she was straight with me? I bared my soul to her, and I've given her so much time to think, all I asked was that she think about what she says to me before she tramples all over my heart again. I was angry when I said that to her because it's childish of her to say things to me in such a familiar way without considering how it makes me feel.
She still has the power, she still thinks that she gets to control the situation somehow. She doesn't have any pressure on her, but I've got my future to decide, and I don't get any input from her. I'm making up my own mind. She's seen all the cards and still she wants to make me wait she needs more time to think. She has had just as much time as I have.
I want to take that power away from her, I want her to need me again. I don't want to play this jealousy game with her, but it's becoming a fact now that I don't want to put my life on hold for her. I want her to realize that if she has any desire to be with me at all she better be brave and say something about it soon because I'm not going to be waiting around forever. If I got any reassurance from her at all I'd wait until the end of time, but if she just wants to play games I'm going to walk.
Aside from that, as I said I'm going on a date tomorrow, and I'm putting too much stock in it. It will most likely amount to nothing because my heart is really not in to it right now.
I think it's ludicrous if she thinks her life is difficult now, or that this is a hard decision for her to make, I am one in a million, just like her, and I have made my own existence more painful than anybody should have to endure, all for her sake. If I could make it through the obstacle coarse of pain that I invented over the last 3 months, and still love her, then she can forgive me and take another chance on me.
I suppose that one has nothing to do with the other.
I resent that she thinks I can't understand how hard it is for her to see death and to be tired and have a hard job, why wouldn't I know about these things? I saw my grandmother die, I had to deal with the guilt of not being with her before the end because of my selfishness. I was a soldier I know all about hard work, and about responsibility and long thankless days. But whether I understand what she is struggling with is irrelevant, what matters is that I will always listen to her and offer whatever comfort I can. The comfort I offer her used to be all she needed to sleep at night with secure smile on her face, now it seems it's not good enough for her.
For now I'm going to wait again, and try to have a life in the mean time. Is this all I can do? Is this the right thing to do?
