Ask Me Help Desk - 4 year girlfriend broke up with me. This sucks

She's not evil... the thing is, she can feel lonely too.

She confessed that she feels horrible for leading you on... so just like you're lonely, she's lonely too, right? You're both doing the same thing to one another.

Don't completely blame her. As soon as she said "friend sex" right from the gecko, there was a blatant red flag. She was clearly saying that she has no ties to you.

That said, don't beat yourself up if you've recognize your mistakes. As long as you recognize that you shouldn't go back, there's at least something you can take out of this ordeal. You know that you can't (and shouldn't) handle a relationship with her, when she doesn't feel as strongly for you.

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The other part of me just wants to go back to complete unannounced NO CONTACT.

Doncha just hate being used for sex?

Sorry to hear that Sandstorm. But there's a lot of contradictions... things you should have spotted to NOT "be fooled yet again". I mean she contacted you with the blood test thing because it was a sure way to get your attention after many failed attempts. She called your bluff. What does she want? One, she's lonely, and two, she wants to keep herself in control, so she knows you're still there on the back burner, just in case "anything better" doesn't come along.

And what do you get out of it? A temporary fix. The way you're going, two things are going to happen. One, you're going to get fed up of her and not want her back again because you're sick of her fishing you along. Or two, she's going to start dating some dude, you're going to find out (believe me she will make sure you know), and you're going to take another one in the heart.

Remember, you have a choice in what happens here and everything that happens is a two way street. The result will be the making of the choices you make now. Stop thinking about the short run and think about future. You got a good one, whether it's with or without her. And if she doesn't want it, then screw her. Her loss.

You don't need to do absolute no contact if you don't want, but you definitely need to make some changes. First off, what are you doing with IM. Are you crazy, it's been a year dude. Delete her! People lived in relationships before IM just 10 years ago, believe me you don't need it! IM, text messages, social networks and all this new tech communication does not help relationships in most situations! It only complicates and confuses things more when they are already on the rocks as it is. If she wants to talk, she can call you. And when and if she calls you, doesn't explain why you are initiating hanging out to begin with! Talk to her, be civil, but if she gets all affectionate or gets into the past, tell her. Listen, I can't do this... I have to get on with my life. She know's what's going on here. I mean she even made the comment about not leading you on and "friend sex", I mean come on, just let it go. You're doing this to yourself. You need to make the line in the sand and stick to it. No one's ever achieved anything that's worth it by being weak. This is not "natural". This is you being submissive.

Just remember, this is not going to go on forever, something will change eventually, and it's better if you're the one that dictates it first before leaving it up to her again.

Good luck Bud! All the best!

Funny Talaniman. "used for sex" I think we used each other.

Sad soul, Samesame. You are both correct in what you say. However, this is a pattern that keeps repeating itself and is always initiated by her. Every single time, she contacts me out of the blue or has a family member do it, the pattern starts. She contacts me on IM, then she contacts every day, she gets me thinking about her, we hang out, she starts texting me via phone, I start showing interest, lasts a week or two, things fade away, she starts to go silent, I drop out at the last minute and ignore her.

She just doesn't like it when I ignore her. She wants what she can't have.

I'm just not going to do this anymore, I've learned my lesson and I'd have to be an idiot to not see this dumb pattern. "she doesn't know what she wants" That pretty much sums it up. In her mind, I'm just not good enough to go back to. She thinks life is so long and she just go out there and find someone special. I see this all as attempts to see if I still care and if I'm single or not. I have to quit being a wuss bag. You are correct samesame, I'm getting so fed up. And this whole blood test things sounds like a scam, I haven't heard anything about how this mysterious girl is doing and if she has had these tests. She never gives me an answer, therefore it must be total BS. I'm really starting to despise this girl known as the ex.

The only things I see happening in our future is me or her meeting someone else with meaning, her getting pregnant or something stupid, one of us passing an STD to each other, or we keep up this damn pattern of talking and disappearing.

I need out of this crap!

Thanks all for the advice and opinions everyone.

Take satisfaction in being a lot wiser than her and being aware of these patterns. Don't let her be the one to break them and move on at the drop of a hat, at your expense.

"You" choose to seriously move on and let "her" wait at a door you won't be answering anymore. Enough is enough. Next time she calls, tell her it's seriously over.

Yes. Such a dumb pattern it is. Still chit chatting here and there. All initiated by her, and I know she doesn't want anything serious with me. I'm ready to disappear but wondering if I should exit unannounced?

Should I:

A. Just disappear out of no where. Let her wonder. Igonore every attempt she makes to contact me? This could possibly be bad because it could bring her back again for the wrong reasons. Wanting what she can't have.

B. LIE. Tell her I'm kind of serious with someone and that she(the new girlfriend) said I should not talk to my exes. Just tell her we can't talk anymore and I'm honoring my new girls wishes. I kind of like this one but I'm not sure if I should waste my time lying, I'm not really a liar at heart.

C. Tell her I'm not playing this anymore. Tell her I won't be her friend and to contact me when she gets her SH#%@T together. Until then, leave me alone

I'm leaning 90% towards A. I don't see any reason to explain anything. She can wonder what happened to me all she wants. Gosh, look at all the wondering I have suffered through for the past year. This June will be the stupid one year anniversary. It is sickening how she has kept me around and I fell for it and allowed her to do this. I feel so stupid and somewhat humiliated. I just can't be friends with this girl. I honestly think she started up this latest round of contact to see if I still want her. Makes me sick if that is true.

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Originally Posted by Sandstorm99

A. Just disappear out of no where. Let her wonder. Igonore every attempt she makes to contact me? This could possibly be bad because it could bring her back again for the wrong reasons. Wanting what she can't have.

That's my pick. It cant possibly be bad because she cant come back for any reason if you don't let her...

It'll be tough, but it'll be worth it. Hang in there.

Disappear without a trace or warning.

Ever since we broke up she has done this so many times, why have I not noticed this pattern. It is clearly just a check-up to see if I'm still sitting around waiting. Every damn time, she contacts me, then we speak everyday, she contacts me via phone text message everyday, then things slowly fade away, from a text every other day to one per week. Then I'm left wondering or mad.

Thanks everyone for all the kind words of advice.

I'd rather be alone than go through this anymore. I feel awful today and I don't want to feel like this anymore. It is painful to have a tiny piece of someone you used to have all of. This friends stuff just does not work, very painful for me but easy for her. I'm just too weak for this light contact. I'm upset that I made it 3 months almost exactly of no contact to ruin it with this. All that work is gone and I have to start over.

She sometimes acts and hints as if I should have tried to win her back. That is so wrong, she should have tried to win me back. How have I become so clueless and weak? She is just trying to keep me around in a subtle way. She does not like it when I break free.

I don't want to feel this low again. This is a terrible, horrible nasty feeling. I'm sticking with option A

"I'm going to put a line in the sand and stick to it" As samesame would say. Thanks, love that line samesame

Wish I knew how the story ended.. Although, I think I might have a good idea of how it did..