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In WWII, when they dropped the atomic bomb, they didn't hang around to give first aid. They got the @#$% out of there.
I know that may sound cold, but she is going to have you signed up for an extension if you don't extricate yourself from the carnage.
I don't care if it takes the "jaws of life" to get you out of this twisted wreck of a relationship, you get out.
Jm, I understand your point I do. But honestly if we had helped after the atomic bomb, maybe not so many innocent people would have ended up dying from nuclear fallout. Maybe it would have hurt less.
Besides, there are things that will hold us in some type of relationship (not anything more than friends). We have a storage unit down south that I need to clean out. I am going to be nice and bring her stuff up to her storage unit since I am going down there. We are on a version family plan on our cell phones and it would cost her a butt ton of money to cancel one of the lines before the renewal date.
So all that really connects us is a couple of material things, but I do not want to get rid of my phone yet or cost her a ton of money. This will be hard enough on her without her going into debt because of it. I know it sounds like I am being stupid but believe me I can keep my distance from her and I plan to. I may see her once a month just to pay off half the phone bill. Half is all I will pay. She has a job, she can fend for herself now.
I am going to work out a deal with her though. My deal is that if she wants me to bring her stuff back to this state for her, then she needs to give me my kayak before I go. That's all there is going to be to it. Sorry but I want that kayak, it was a gift and I should not have to buy one. And the price she paid for it is nothing compaired to the price it is going to cost me to go get the stuff. Its not a fair trade but like I said, I am going to be very nice with all this.
Tell you what though, I cannot wait to get out there and find a cute girl just to have fun with. Casual dating, not serious crap right now. I can settle down when I'm 30 lol.
Threads merged, and edited.
I have reciently decided that leaving my fiancé of almost 2 years is the best thing for both of us.
I still love her :( and we still have some material things bonding us together. I need to make sure that I keep things calm with her and friendly at least until I can get my stuff and my phone contract is up. I have a feeling she is going to hate me for a few moments and then beg and sob for me to come back the next. The reason I want to leave is simple, love isn't enough. We have tried for months to make it work but we are having to try too hard. I am in no way ready to settle down and I've been feeling trapped because of that and have been lashing out at her.
I do not need advice on what to do with the relationship, I am leaving her! My question, and what I want advice on is this, How do I break up with her and still be friends? Like literally how do I break up with her? What do I say, how do I act and what can I do for her? :confused:
Hi Larken85, if you've really made up your mind to break up with her,then talk to her about it. Tell her your reasons and remain firm, be ready to answer her questions,but make it clear that you are steadfast in your decision.
As with remaining friends, tell her, that you wanted to be friends with her, and really care for her as a person. Also,most likely she is going to need some time away from you and that is completely understandable.Tell her you are ready to give her the space and time she needs to get over the breakup. Remember, that only after a certain amount of NC can you be back to being friends. You can't be friends right away, there should be a proper transition for that and only time can do that.
You also have to respect it IF she chooses not to be your friend in the future, whatever the outcome is, tell her that you will always continue to respect her and care for her.
Oh, and when she demands to go NC on you,then you just have to bear it, you can try contacting her after a few months though, to see how she's doing, and if she relpies to your message..
Thank you spnx. I was reading a few things on Google by searching the exact title of this tread. They pretty much all say the same thing as you did. With the exception of NC but that is a AMHD thing anyway. I hope she takes it OK, I know its going to take her a while to heal. I just hope she doesn't go jumping into another person's arms just for comfort. I know that is not good for her.
You're welcome. NC is best for her though, there's just too much heat after the breakup that trying to establish a friendship right after will just complicate things more. This is based on my experience though, (I never talk to my exes after I break up with them, and they certainly don't talk to me after me dumping them; hmm.. as a dumpee I tried to be friends right away but it backfired,I end up feeling more down than ever so I decided it best to cut contact). I am friends with most of my exes now, but never without that moment of silence called NC. Just saying. :)
Well, I understand that people are unique and handle things differently so yeah... I guess, if she could be your friend, then great! :)
Because there are children involved, when you do tell her that you are leaving, I hope you also speak to the children too. I don't know how old they are, but they will be left with a father figure no longer in the picture.
Try not to say things with a heavy heart. Don't say what you think they want to hear, because they will remember every word you say. If you are unsure of when or if you will visit them for example, don't even bring it up.
I don't know if you have a date in mind, but, if it were me, the day I tell her, would be the day I leave. Have a friend nearby with a truck to move your belongings out, and be done with it.
She seems to do quite well with government assistance, and if they knew you lived there, well, let's just say that that is a bullet you are avoiding. Taxpayers supporting her and her children are one thing, but supporting her and her children while you are providing income and living there doesn't sit too well with most people.
It sounds like you are really worn out trying to please her, financially and otherwise. It will also take you time when you have moved, to recover from the relationship. As bad as some parts were, there were good times too I'm sure. Not to mention the children coming to accept you in their lives as well.
One more thing- I suspect that she won't be totally surprised or off guard when you tell her. All you can do is expect the best, but be prepared for the worst. Don't argue, and try to leave without any bitterness.
Good luck Larken.
As I'm sure that you will, remember to be respectful of her feelings. If you have to say that "it was me, not you", then by all means do that.
Tell her that you have to work on being more mature, and find happiness at all costs.
You are still a young man, a work in progress.
Be strong.
The sooner the better.
Thanks jake... I hope it goes well. I didn't consider having to tell the kids... this is going to be so hard. Maybe getting involved with a woman that has kids is not a good idea for me. I love them all, her, her son, and her daughter.
I'll just tell her daughter than mom and joe are going to just be friends now and that I'll always love her... god this sucks... this sucks so so bad... I wish there was a way around this, a way around seeing them cry. I'm expecting the worst, and preparing for it. If it is better than that at least I will be surprised.
Oh crap I wish I could have someone there to support me, but this is something I am going to have to man up and do I guess. She is never going to believe my reasons. She is going to think there is someone else, which there isn't of course. But the last time I tried to leave there was so now that's all she has to go off. GRRRRRR!!
I just got to calm down and breath. I can get through it, I can do it.
Just be honest. She's going to be upset whether you let her down nicely or not. A break-up is a break-up, there ain't a such thing as a "good break-up".Quote:
Originally Posted by Larken85
This doesn't have to be any more difficult than it already is. If talking to the kids will be too hard for you, then don't talk to them, let her do it. Talk her in private and then be gone. Like I said, the time has come to look out for yourself.
Don't tell her you want to be friends!. This will give her a reason to contact you and a temptation for you to break NC. Don't even think about it when you're breaking up with her. Your immediate goal is separating yourself from her and healing. Come what may after that.
Larken, when you leave-leave. I know there are some unresolved material issues (this really should be in the other thread, too much background) that need to be taken care of like the items in storage and your insistence at getting a gift that she promised you as well as the phone.
On the phone, do you own the phone or was it part of the plan? If it was part of the plan, give it to her and let her decide what to do with it. Get yourself a new one that is not attached to someone else's plan.
On the storage, you will need to discuss what is going to happen to the storage contract. She can either choose to keep paying storage on her stuff after yours is removed or you can show that you are willing to part on amicable terms by offering to deliver her things when you pick up your own. NO HOLDING THEM HOSTAGE for a 'gift' you haven't received.
On the 'gift', she still hasn't given it to you so it still isn't 'yours'. Being told about it is not the same as receiving it. Don't act like a spoiled child who hasn't gotten his way if you don't get it. Let it go with all of her other promises that never came through. You are breaking up. Holding on to the 'gift' could very easily become part of holding on to the relationship.
On how to tell her, be open and honest about being at different stages in your lives. DO NOT say let's be friends (read the threads on post-relationship friendships and how most don't seem to work out when there has been this much pain involved). Have your things already packed and out of her apartment. Keep the discussion short and to the point. DO NOT hold her or dry her tears. From what you have said about her before, possibly be ready to duck.
On the children, this is the one point where it isn't all about you. IF at all possible (after breaking up with her it might not be), follow Jake's advice. As the child who had 'girlfriends' go in out of her dad's life, I can tell you that being left with the feeling you are the cause of the break up-even if you aren't-stays with you for years. Also, you giving them reassurance that they aren't the reason will mitigate anything that she says after you are gone that could make them feel worse.
Good luck, Larken.
Trying to be friends after being lovers is one of the hardest things to do. Its like being demoted at work, when you know you are you are fully qualified, then finding out they hired some dumba-- to replace you. Anger, resentment, and jealousy quickly set in, in turn making you both feel like crap.
Like the others have said, be straight up with her, don't sugar coat it, say goodbye to the kid, and WALK AWAY! It's the only way. With time everything will return to a somewhat normal state.
My rule when it's over? I don't want to be your enemy. I don't want to be your friend. I want you to be someone I used to know.
You and this girlfriend/fiance are going to remain friends?
Not such a good idea because she apparently has a lot of control over you.
#283 and counting.
I think you are finding all of these reasons to talk yourself out of it.
Get another phone, that is simple. Get your stuff out of storage. She was making it before you came along, she has a job, she will probably do better than you financially.
How often were you around the kids? I know you didn't live there.
She is going to mad either way. Nobody likes to be dumped, but she'll get over it.
You tell her things are not working you don't have the same feelings for her and it's best that you two part. Then you leave.
I have a feeling she already knows her time is up anyway. The woman is not stupid.
I think it is possible to be friends after being lovers, but you two had way too much drama going on while you were lovers so I don't see that happening with you two, plus she knows how to work you.
Make a solid break!
A little fyi on the phone bill thing. Instead of tying yourself to her from a phone bill, take the Early Term. Fee in the butt, and split. You're looking for things to keep her in your life and close to her without being with her.
Sprint will give her a line of service. They go based on Credit score. So no, she won't go into debt for a cell phone. Unless of coarse she's going to abuse the system.. which many people do.
1. please don't start new threads that should have just been your old thread that was added to.
She is not innocent. It is not like your trying to save somebody who is innocent, because quite frankly she is not.
There is no nice way to break up with someone, there is no guarantee of continued friendship. Although in my opinion in some cases especially this one. There is no need to continue so called friendship because you will continue to let her do whatever she wants and you will continue to let her take advantage of you.
Whether being friends or girlfriend or whatever you may call it.
I am not going to let her take advantage of me anymore. I broke up with her last night, as nice as possible but she and I have decided to keep our distance from one another.
Its for the best, and I am going to be a much happier person because of this. Not to mention I will be able to afford my own life again. Thank god on that one. Thanks to all of your advice and continued support through this time. It has been hard on me and the hardest is yet to come, but so long as I stick to my guns I can pull through it and end up a better person because of it.
I am glad that you finally ended it with her. I think you will ultimately find yourself much healthier without all of the stress.
Good luck. :)
Good luck from me too, although breaking up and actually breaking free are two different things.
I hope you have a plan in place to move out sooner rather than later. Hanging around will only make it harder on everyone, especially the children.
I'm glad you made this move and I hope you stick to it.
You will hurt for a time but I think you will heal quicker than you realised you could. You will be a happier person without that baggage.
I'm not one to use the "ball and chain" analogy often. BUT, this relationship has held you down for too long.
Go enjoy your twenties. I know I sure did.
Good luck to the both of you.
Thanks everyone. Finally free and it feels much better than I thought it would. I can do what I want when I want, how nice it is.
I am not living there, the kids don't see me, and my money is my money. Except for the fact that I stayed on her phone plan because I don't want to stick her with a $360 early cancelation fee. Even though it would be cheaper to pay it off myself...
She called me today and decided to begin verbally assulting me so I just hung up on her and told her not to call me unless she could respect me more. Every time she gets close to sounding like she may be thinking about fixing it I just make the conversation turn the opposite direction. If she does ever ask if we can get back together, I'm simply going to say no. There is no point in being with her, I was miserable comparatively speaking.
LOL... your starting to sound like us from your first thread Larken ;)
Good for you Buddy , it's for the best .
I really should have listened to you all much sooner. Guess I will trust in the mob a little more huh? Anyway, there it is, a thread with a happy ending lol. I can't wait for my first check that is ALL MINE! :) :D
Good for you man, your story was like the perfect storm but you finally got out and now your in the sun good job and stick to what your doing.
Hey Joe,go enjoy your life!
Being single and in your midtwenties-great!
Take no insults from the ex-I would NC her.
I should NC her, and I will if she doesn't level out like real soon. I know she has to vent her sadness some how and I accept that she is ticked off at me. But like I said, she had better find a better path to vent on or I will NC her and you better believe that I am not doing another single thing for her.
What makes her the most mad (and me the most happy) is that I don't bow down to her anymore. She tried to tell me that I would be responsible for the cell phone bill if I didn't pay her (I said "um, no, I am on no contract by name and you are the person that has the name on the bill. That would be all you so I am doing you a favor so you better start being a little nicer to me.")
She tried to tell me that I couldn't hold her storage unit for randsome and of course I can't but I told her that if she does not give me my kayak before I go down to get my stuff I am going to leave her stuff down there (in kentucky) and shift the bill over to her name (as we are both on the bill on that one :D) because I will not pay for storage that I have nothing in. So "You can be appreciative of the fact that I am willing to go down and get your stuff for you and unload it into your storage unit for you and just give me my freakin kayak." she got all angry with me and said "Fine, I don't want the stupid thing anyways, I have no use for it." I replied, "alright, but remember I said before I go, and thats a few weeks away." She was still kind of fussing a bit and I said, "T. Stop it, you need to realize that I am just trying to be nice and the cost of that Kayak is about 1/3 of the cost this trip is going to cost me if i bring your stuff back for you. So it isn't too much to ask in my opinion and I have to ask for it before I go because otherwise I have no guarentee that you will actually ever give it to me and then I just did all that work for nothing, like usual." She got really angry there and tried telling me I was this and that but ultimately (seeing that I wasn't giving in to her) she agreed to my terms.
I will go through with it too, I am going to get my stuff but it I do not have my kayak before I go I will not bring her crap back with me. It will save me a lot of money not to get her crap too, but like I said, I am nice. I don't think its too much to ask for a little payment though. I know I should go NC, and I pretty much have, but she still calls me and I am not rude enough to just not answer. I have no issue hanging up on her butt though.
It would be an odd twist of fate but maybe, just maybe we weren't held together by love at all, but by a strong feeling of obligation. Because I am finding it hard to feel anything good towards her now that I am not with her. I just don't care for her company at all you know. And when she calls I sigh and roll my eyes because I just don't want to talk to her. I don't know, but I think I am just so totally relieved because I was serving her for so long that it was killing me.
OMG and she said "I got a new job..." bla bla bla "Well someone has to pay the bills!" totally serious sounding. I replied, "I know I was just a paycheck to you!" She shut up after that.
Please don't make the mistake and turn her into your enemy.
I know its self rewarding to finally throw a few punches, but two wrongs don't make a right.
Say your peace, then leave. Don't ever talk to her again. Once you two have separated the phone bill and the storage unit, you have no REASON to ever answer her calls again.
I know you want to be nice.. I know you want to stand up for yourself after however long your supression was... but don't make her your enemy. It feels good now, but later you'll regret being so mean to her, even though she is kind of mean to you. I believe its not in your nature. Going against your nature never pans out good.
But congrats on finally leaving her. You made a smart move. I'd buy you a beer if I could! :) :)
There is no reason for you to be talking to her at all.
Are you holding out on this Kayak thing and talking to her in hopes she will say what you want her to say?
Why can you not just do what you have to do with the storage without the back and forth with her? Holding her things hostage is rather childish.
I'm thinking you have not let go yet.
Now that you have made up your mind, and done what you had to for yourself, handle the rest of your business and make this a clean break by disappearing from her life, and being unavailable for any more haggling.
The END is THE END!!
Yep, stop the bickering with her over "stuff" You are out, now stop going back and forth with her.
She is going to end up sucking you back in.
Let the kayac go. It is a small price to pay.
Get only your own stuff out of storage, and let her worry about her stuff.
Stop negotiating with her. It seems that you have the hammer now, and you are enjoying using it.
You owe her nothing, she owes you nothing.
Stuff is stuff, one lousy kayac is an excuse to keep mixing it up with her.
Let her cry on somebody else's shoulder, she's a grown women with kids. She does not need you anymore, and more importantly, you do not need her.
You're either serious or you aren't. When you change the storage unit over to her name, send her a registered letter giving her the information. Stick to the facts.
Then, go out and buy yourself a nice new kayac.
The kayak is also mentioned in another thread. Enough with the kayac, already.
#313 - is there still a second thread about the break up? If so, should they be combined?
I believe they have been combinedQuote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
I hoped so! Thanks. (I didn't want to read through - again.)
No no, its not childish. Why would I bring her her stuff? The storage unit is in both of our names and it's a 10 hour trip when not towing anything. I don't want to get her stuff for her and with the money Id save I could buy myself a new kayak. However, I have a kayak that I can get for free so why not make that deal?Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
I am so not holding on to her, I will never go back to her. I don't think there is any reason we cannot be civil to one another though, espeically since we are still connected by a phone bill and storage unit. I do not want to pay the early termination fee, its too expensive and the storage unit is something I am soul paying for. By the way I have less than 2% of the stuff in the storage unit that is actually mine. This is why I want to get my crap out of there and kill off the storage unit bill. She has an almost empty unit up here that all of the stuff will fit in so it might as well get up here. So to do that for her and make it cheaper on her, I will accept the Kayak as payment. If she does not pay me, I will not do it. That's all there is to it.
I do not want to make her my enemy, She is a good person overall. So we are trying to be civil. Whenever relationship talk comes up I shut her out and tell her to leave it alone. There is no point in talking about it any more, we both have had our closure.
OK OK, I guess I will give up on the kayak and just drop her... how annoying... I don't want to do that but I know that you guys are right... if nothing else this thread has certainly shown that much. I will listen to you, I will go totally NC with her... I don't want to be sucked back in and I am not going to get that way. Darn it, oh well, its just a kayak after all
If you are serious about this being over, handle your business so there can be a real No Contact. That makes all shared material things done away with in an acceptable manor, so the break can be clean, if not civil.
She can pay for her storage and phone for that matter, and you can get your own kayak, someday on your own.
These are but small details in a much bigger picture. For now its time to mourn, heal, and accept, so you move beyond this chapter in your life.
All right Tal, I get it. I will do what you suggest. Since you are all the voices of experience talking, I wll listen and do what you say. I'm sure it will be for the best, as usual.
If you have to pay and go no contact do it. Consider it as a one time cost. Look how much money you will be saving, you won't be giving her money for rent anymore or potentially paying her alimony and child support. I think you got a great deal now. So pay and get out and reap the reward.
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