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I think it really depends if you're at the point where you are strong enough to resist temptation (wanting her back) and look at the apology as platonic for being wronged.Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
You have to be able to accept it,without wanting answers.
As a sort of closure
And I'm not talking about the halfa*** "sorry"
And nothing else
I'm talking about the apology where you have to beg them to stop talking,the one that means something,and very few people get.
Even more of a reason to forget about her, Many fine things can be done in a day if you don't always make that day tomorrow. Make today the day you forget about her, and stop thinking about what if.Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
I don't want her running back right away, both her and I have a lot of thinking to do.Quote:
Originally Posted by jolienoire
Well if she ends up crying and spilling everything out, what's the point of taking the call, if its going to be platonic?Quote:
Originally Posted by 57373
Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
Yes but knowing someone left you and immediately began seeing someone else, doesn't make you secure either when and if there is a reconciliation. The fear of them always going to do it again will linger in your mind and can destroy the relationship once again.
I don't know that is just my opinion and from people I have talked to, you see this person you loved and all you can seem to think about is them dumping you to hook up with someone else only to come back to you. Especially if you know you are potentially a great person who deserve better than that.
Did your now, husband, hook up with anyone else during that 10 yrs apart, or did you?
Of course he did, but he didn't leave me for someone else, we were on two different life paths, military life, college, many things that made our relationship difficult, neither one of us left bitter. Or left one another for someone else we let go to improve ourselves.
Don't get me wrong we had problems even before we got married, and nothing was perfect even after we reconciled. BUt I didn't put so much hope and thought into getting him back, or what to do when he called. You just have to start living.
How would you ever be able to know for sure, he didn't leave you for someone else?
Like the point is you can never know what someone is thinking or what they are doing, unless you are god or their brain. Maybe he left bitter, but he might not tell you that. Maybe you were bitter about it, but don't want to admit it, or are looking back, and saying there really isn't a reason for me to be bitter about it.
I don't want to offend you, but its just a thought
Not offending,
Truth is as I told him because he is a couple years older than me, He was entering the military before me, and wanted me to be with him, I couldn't promise him that, because we were on two different life paths, I knew that if I sacrificed my goals, I would probably regret or resented myself for that. So we parted amicably, I was still young at the time and knew that I couldn't be with him the way he wanted me to be. Put it this way, after we broke up. I continued to live my life, got married so did he, divorced and remarried him. Never, ever did I think we would be together, It just happened. And to make it even more of a twist he was in another state.
I am trying to tell you, that if someone wants you to let go you have to.
Losing someone you love is devastating, Like I told someone in another post, its like an amputation, losing a limb, it may cripple you but it won't kill you. Eventually, you'll have to cope and live your life without that part of you. It can be done but you have to be willing to accept the circumstances. And make it your priority to recover.
Jolie is right, when a partner leaves for whatever reason you have to let them go.
Cutting all contact with them is the first step in that direction. And will allow your dignity, and self respect, to heal, and you avoid any more misery, and pain, or confusion and not have any false hope of getting her back.
Its not like she knows I'm holding on, how would she. Unless she is holding onQuote:
Originally Posted by jolienoire
Way too much false hope... I sense.Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
She will know you're holding on/don't forgive her until you call her and say
"hey ___ everything is fine,can you believe how dramatic we were a few months/years ago,hope all is well,I got a new gf,a new job,ect,call back if you get the chance"
Well why don't I just run her over with a car, would take less effort, lolQuote:
Originally Posted by 57373
But seriously, she doesn't see me, I don't talk about her with any of her friends, I don't write about her, how would she know?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
Well she broke up with you, so she probably knows your feeling pretty bad right now. Does she care, probably not that is why she is with someone else. Reading your post she pretty much made it seem like she broke it off because of you, when she really did it because of her own needs.
Her actions clearly suggest to me that she is not holding on. I could be wrong, I don't have all the answers but you seem like a caring guy, who deserves a little more respect.
If she wasn't holding on, then why contact me this morning at one am. I didn't expect anything from her. She knows nothing about what I am doing, where I am at, who I'm around, I keep silent about it all. I not shocked about someone else, when you are emotionally weakened, people will turn to the first person that is willing to comfort them. I would probably do that, but I tend to stay away from people when I have something going on like this.Quote:
Originally Posted by jolienoire
She text you because she knows she has that control or so she thinks, NC is important its not about playing games this is just so she knows that the decision she chose to make to break up with you. She has to deal with the consequence of her action otherwise, she will keep doing it. I know she doesn't know you are holding on, but she is testing you to see if she still has that authority.Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
Well you say its not a game, but it sure sounds like it. Reading bluffs, trying to guess the other persons next moves. She is shooting in the dark. Cause I have been unreachable. But I also think that by acting this way will make her forget about what we had, and not come back. Not saying that I would contact/see/text/etc her. But ultimately the only thing I'm doing is building a wall with no way to get over, under, around, knock down, which sucks, cause even months. Years, days, weeks, whatever, I will realize I am fine and life goes on (I already know that), but that I still want her, and all I have done is push about the person I want, to just prove a point to herQuote:
Originally Posted by jolienoire
Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
“You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future” This is what is going to happen, you will do everything in your life with the thought in the back of your mind that she will come back. Deny me that, but I can tell just by your response that is exactly what you are doing.
At this moment and all the ones before this, I want her to come back, I can't hide that.Quote:
Originally Posted by jolienoire
I have been reading this and keeping up to date as it all goes on. I think we are all giving you advice based on our experiences and want to offer you support in this difficult time. If our advice does not feel right, then you should evaluate it and decide for yourself if you should follow our path as offered to you.
You offer some good points in your last posts that are valid and show good character that you question in search of the truth (not to just be oppositional). I think you are valid in wanting her back in your life. I would caution you that you can not go back. There is a reason she left and if you two have not identified that reason, worked on it, confronted it, and laid it to rest, history is likely to repeat itself.
So if you do not build up this "wall" with which to protect yourself (which I must admit is good advice in 99% of all cases such as this) at least demand from her answers and seek resolutions to what has happened. Do not ignore it, accept it, or allow it to happen again. Be an active part in any relationship.
But as you have stated she does not seem to be grieving. Maybe this latest contact is her way of grieving. Should you be a part of it? I don't know... but becareful you are not her doormat while she does this.
Wow, so after 10 years when you guys got back together, were there sparks like meeting somebody new? Do you guys get annoy at each other with old habits?Quote:
Originally Posted by jolienoire
I really don't have the power to demand answers from her, I got a feeling it would turn into a fight between this guy and I. I have been following the combined path everyone here has laid out.Quote:
Originally Posted by sylvan_1998
I know I can not go back, but she could. Though still we might have grown to far apart, we might not like who we have become, scares might still be there, etc.
This other guy is her grieving? Why does she have to hurt me to grieve?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
She cheated on you/left you for this guy.
She is hardly grieving.
I know exactly how it feels dude,I had the same thing happen.
I still deal with it everyday,it's been two months.But I have to be honest,everyday I get more clarity.
I see more signs that I was blinded by before this.
I get more pissed off to be honest,because while I was crying on the phone because my ex was changing (when we were together) the nights of "i think we should just be friends" out of no where
And then finding out about this,by myself.
There is nothing worse
But do you honestly want someone back who would so easily lie to you,disregard your feelings,and move on so fast?
Do you want someone back (on a cruder level) who F***ed someone else?
I mean come on
I feel the pain from deceit... not from missing my ex.
Re-direct your pain.
Well NC seems to be the best way. If she is with a different guy, do not answer her call. If you answer or not answer, it won't change a SINGLE thing about how she feels about you.Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
SHE HAS TO GET OVER THIS NEW GUY THAT SHE IS SEEING BEFORE SHE CAN DEVELOP ANY FEELINGS FOR YOU. THE BEST THING TO DO NOW IS TO HAVE FRIENDS AND ESPECIALLY FEMALE FRIENDS. KEEP TO THE NC AND YOU WILL HEAL
It is ridiculous that after the OPS long relationship,he should settle for second best to a guy she just met.What are feelings to his ex anyway?Quote:
Originally Posted by xadmin
They seem to be excitement and new things,which apparently he doesn't offer.
When my ex tried to remain friends after this (yeah they had the nerve to apologize and ask to be friends)
I straight up cursed my ex out "you're a W***,ect"
I don't really regret it either
I just... was so insulted.
My ex had the nerve to tell me I ruined a "beautiful relationship"
The same day my ex had said "there's no one else"
Same.day.
The explanation I got for catching my ex with that other person (While with me) was
"I cared about you both so much but I couldn't decide...but now that you freaked out...I decided"
LOL W/E
Ok. Deleted her and friends. Now I Got to take care of myspace, probably just delete my account since I never use it. Still feels stupid but whatever
So only date virgins, right? And I have no idea about this guy, for all I know she is using him to get to me, to make me break, to make it easy for her to come back and me do whatever she wants. I have no idea and neither does anyone on this forum, everyone can say from past experiences, but like a finger print or a snow flake each one is similar, but no two are the same.Quote:
Originally Posted by 57373
I like the advice, it gives me different ways to look at things, not just this. But also helps me decide what direction I want to move in
There's nothing wrong with dating someone who'se not a virgin.What I meant by that was,to most people taking back an ex after they had sex with someone else (regardless if they were a virgin before) is disgusting and 'tainted'.Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
For most people,that kills any chance of physical romance again. (for the people it doesn't... really need to look at themselves worth)
But about the virgin thing... it's interesting you brought it up... I would THINK a virgin would be less likely to cheat... I don't know if it's statistically proven or not...
Good job,I honestly don't know how you kept her as a friend,with comments from him (I assume) and pictures of them together (again I assume).It sounds like sticking your hand on an oven surface.Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
She lost her virginity to me.Quote:
Originally Posted by 57373
I agree about the tainted, but do you know for a fact that she sleep with him? Like she and him are the only ones that know
The thing about girls that lose their virginity,then hop into a different relationship.Is they usually have sex with the next guy right away.To downplay the fact they were a virgin before the previous guy,do you get it?Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
She probably had sex with him,to get over you,basically.
I know some girls who have been in the same situation and said this,so there's what I base it on.
That's a good attitude to have, not just in relationships, but in life. See your options, and make a good decision for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings. You know better than any one what you want in your future.Quote:
I like the advice, it gives me different ways to look at things, not just this. But also helps me decide what direction I want to move in
Talaniman Rule- The only way to see your options and opportunities is to see your your mistakes from the past, and be ready for your future.
Sometimes all you have is experience to make a decision with. But the fact is, what you want is always ahead of you. Just keep working toward it.
Move forward, not back.
Haven't looked at this in a while.Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
She wished you a Happy Birthday because it is your birthday. We females do things like that. No ulterior motive. Stop trying to make something out of nothing. Stop!
I don't think this young lady is coming back. She is with someone else because she has found someone else she wants to be with. This does not make her a bad person, she has grown up and away from you.
How old was she when you two got together, 16? She is what, 20 now? She is maturing and changing and this is what you should do. You can love and need someone but that does not mean they will always love and need you.
You are still pretty young yourself and you have a lot of changing and maturing to do.
Delete her form your page if that is what you want to do, if you don't want to do it don't. But don't not delete her name for fear that she can't contact you. If she wanted to she would figure out a way to do it.
Move on young man. I know you're in pain but stop obsessing over this young lady. It is what it is.
Are you a female?Quote:
Originally Posted by 57373
If she had sex with him it is because she wanted to, not to get over him. She left him, remember? Her losing her virginity to him has nothing to do with this and making blanket statements like that does no one any good.
Dude you will hurt for a while but you will get over this. Get out and do fun things, find out who you are apart from her. You have growing and changing to do as well.
There relationship was long.Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
She took no time to move on.
All signs lead to... rebound.
Which is why I said what I said. Rebounds do in fact exist.. and the classic rebound is always 'too much too soon'
So yeah blanket statement... with statistics.
That is not necessarily true.
I date a guy all through High School and when I met my now husband at 19 I left my boyfriend right away. I just knew he was "the one" Rebound had nothing to do with it.
Rebound relationships are generally ones where the person who has been dumped jumps right into another relationship to get over the guy that dumped her. She left him.
Now if he went and slept with a girl right away, THAT would be a rebound.
I understand but at the same time,both sides,are sort of manic.Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Leaving something of four years for something else (let's assume she tells him she loves him,wants to marry him) not even a month in.
Would you consider this then to be a rebound,to get those feelings that fast?
I realize you said you met your husband at 19 but surely you couldn't be that naïve to believe love starts the first week and not over years.
Why would she even bother. We haven't talked or any in awhile, it's not worth the time, all it did was upset meQuote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
I really kind of agree with you, I think a rebound can be on either side. Using someone else right after a relationship, is something to take your mind what you have done, guilt. Or what you have lost, comfort. Reasons can be switch between both, cause the dumper might realize they have made a mistake, but needs comfortQuote:
Originally Posted by 57373
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