Why are you letting her string you along like this with all of these words of false hope. All she is telling you is what you want to hear to keep you close. Rather than be bluntly honest with you, she prefers to tear your heart up piece by piece, by telling you that you two have a future.

Actions speak louder than words.

Is she with you now? No.

Has she put and official end to this break? No.

Instead she is filling you with false hope for the future. While you sit and daydream about getting back with her at some unknown point far from now, she is looking for your replacement.

You know why she still talks to you?? Because she hasn't found that replacement yet. Know this, with almost 100% certanty, you will be replaced with someone else. When you find out, you will be kicking yourself for waiting on something that was never going to happen, and even more heart broken than you are now.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MarkwithaK

The way you are going about things, the only difference moving away will make is that you will be miserable in a different city. Don't get me wrong, a change of scenery may you do you good but not if you end up spending your time chatting with her or talking on the phone with her.

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I think what mark says here is key, moving way will help speed up the process and be a good thing for you ONLY if you do cut ties with her. If you continue with what you are doing you are only moving to another city and not moving on emotionally like you should be. Move and cut ties with her!

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

She did manage to tell me a slightly different story the other day about her reasons for our "break" (yes, she's still calling it that, and saying "the day will come when we are back together") and it was that she felt guilty about one of her guy friends at school starting to like her, so she says she made a choice, and that she felt she wasn't old enough and that I also wasn't old enough to be in a commited relationship yet.

I don't really know how to feel about that, but I just tried to tell her "Okay, I understand."

Don't worry though, it's not making me feel any worse or anything and I'm not complaining about it, I just find it strange I guess.

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Holy hell man are you freakin' kidding me? Sounds to me like she pulled the plug on you because she found out some other guys has feelings for her and possibly she has feelings for him. At the very least she is interested enough to find out. All the while you are sitting there pining away for her. Am I the only one that sees that this girl has little to no respect for you? You seriously think that she won't let this new guy tag her simply because the 2 of you waited? For all you know she already has. She certainly wouldn't be the first "good girl" that turned "slutty" after a long term relationship. It's pretty obvious that you cannot base her current mindset on her past actions. All the signs are there and you refuse to acknowledge them because that just might knock her off that pedestal you put her on.

Have to spread some rep first mark but kudos on that answer.

Funny how the reasons behind why she broke up with slowly come out. And the longer you wait around the more she is going to tell you. No doubt in my mind that her and this "friend" have been dirtying the sheets for awhile now.

I just got done reading 29 pages of this thread. So what happened trevor, you alive. How are things going?

I just got back from that Portland trip that I had been talking about, and.. well.. I guess it was exactly what I expected. I picked her up at her house, and one of her guy friends happened to be there at the same time, noticed them hugging when I was walking out of the room, I guess I was sort of expecting something like that. Funny thing is though, I happened to ask her on the drive up there (3 hours) if her and that particular guy friend were now together. She told me that they weren't. She said that he had actually asked her if she wanted to be together with him, and she said she laughed and never gave him an answer. That's all I got out of her on that subject.

Then.. as I expected, the girl who used to be as adamant as I am about hating people who constantly text and whip out their cell phones in public all of the time, is now doing exactly that. She could not keep her eyes off her cell phone for 10 minutes. Of course, she was only texting her other guy friends, so, I found myself on an anger rollercoaster that went up and down and up and down each time she pulled out that little blue device. I didn't bother her about though, and I just tried to let her be and not bring any one else down.

Then there were good moments with her, where everyone else was asleep and it kind of felt like it used to, where she was hanging out with me on the couch and we just talked for a good couple of hours and I felt pretty good. Then, as the early morning went on, she started kind of being distant again, and around 10 o'clock, when I'm assuming her other guy friends probably wake up, there she was again, right back to texting and not really even mentally being there.

I wish I could say that I was improving and getting over her, but I guess even with me seeing her hugging some other guy, I just can't stop.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MarkwithaK

When she starts giving you your things back and talking about being "friends" then yes, it is usually over. At least in her mind. Oh and don't be too surprised when she has a new guy in a couple of weeks.

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I think she is a bit bored with u. why not u make love n some other gul and look her attitude or know by her friends

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

I wish I could say that I was improving and getting over her, but I guess even with me seeing her hugging some other guy, I just can't stop.

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I admire your perseverance and ability to keep taking an a$$ whooping. But you know that doing things like this will never allow you to move on and heal. You were hoping for some answers on this trip and you got none, and you probably have more now plus a heavier heart. She isn't going to tell you the truth about whether she is seeing that guy or another, her word means nothing write now. Her disinterest in you is evident by her cell phone etiquette, the only times you were able to have a good conversation is when the people on the other line went to bed... How does it feel to be put second all of a sudden, not too mention like someone that doesn't really matter. That sort of behavior is rude to do to anyone, let alone to someone you supposedly care for deeply. Gear I hope you realize what this trip really did for you, and how continued contact is just going to prolong the suffering. I feel like a broken record, but its time to get the NC rolling!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

I just got back from that Portland trip that I had been talking about, and.. well.. I guess it was exactly what I expected. I picked her up at her house, and one of her guy friends happened to be there at the same time, noticed them hugging when I was walking out of the room, I guess I was sort of expecting something like that. Funny thing is though, I happened to ask her on the drive up there (3 hours) if her and that particular guy friend were now together. She told me that they weren't. She said that he had actually asked her if she wanted to be together with him, and she said she laughed and never gave him an answer. That's all I got out of her on that subject.

Then.. as I expected, the girl who used to be as adamant as I am about hating people who constantly text and whip out their cell phones in public all of the time, is now doing exactly that. She could not keep her eyes off of her cell phone for 10 minutes. Of course, she was only texting her other guy friends, so, I found myself on an anger rollercoaster that went up and down and up and down each time she pulled out that little blue device. I didn't bother her about though, and I just tried to let her be and not bring any one else down.

Then there were good moments with her, where everyone else was asleep and it kind of felt like it used to, where she was hanging out with me on the couch and we just talked for a good couple of hours and I felt pretty good. Then, as the early morning went on, she started kind of being distant again, and around 10 o'clock, when I'm assuming her other guy friends probably wake up, there she was again, right back to texting and not really even mentally being there.

I wish I could say that I was improving and getting over her, but I guess even with me seeing her hugging some other guy, I just can't stop.

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Wow, I did the same thing you are doing, the first time my ex broke up with me, hung around for a whole year, saw her date other guyz, all sorts of . She did come back to me and we started dating again but it wasn't the same. I realized what she had done and she was not the perfect little girl I thought she was( I was making her out to be mother Teressa).The relationship wasn't the same. She ended up breaking up with me again.
I can understand when you say you can't do NC. But the thing you will realize that you have to. It might take a year like it took me but you will realize. In by the way the amount of pain you are going through is not worth it for anybody.
Good Luck

Hi Gearhe4D,
Honey I'm sure you're a great guy, but you gutta move on. Your just wrenching your heart for nothing.
I'v tried to get back with my husband 5 times now, I know are love is what's doing it to make us keep trying, but I'm leaving for the last time, and you need to also. Thank God your not married to her. Her cell phone says it all. Bless you.

But jane smit is right. Do you know the worst thing though you are the only one who can stop you feeling like this by walking away and you won't do it. Coming from a girl you're her safety blanket,she's comfortable with you so she's keeping you around and she's basically using you to get over you! Why are you letting her have so much control over your life, man up!

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Originally Posted by compsavvyimnot

The only good time to consider her as a friend is when you've healed and found the one that will love you.

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So, I've been re-reading all of this and thinking about everything still. This quote seems to be a recurring element in what everyone tells me. "The one that will love you." That is something that I'm having a hard time understanding, just look at the world today, 90% of married couples, or even just couples in general are constantly un-happy or getting divorced, or stay together but hate each other and just try to find ways to not be around each other. My own parents are the same way, I think this is one of the biggest problems I'm having with this break-up. It feels like I really had what I wanted, and now I'm afraid that later on in future relationships, I might never be fully satisfied again. Am I going to have to settle for that wife who nags me constantly, or just be that guy who's single, and works, and survives.. and there's really no point to it other than existing? I don't want to sound stupid about this, and I probably do, but I just see so much of that unhapiness everywhere and I thought I was one of the very rare lucky people that was actually happy.

Obviously your relationship wasn't as great as you make it out be. If it was that great why did your ex leave.By the sound of things you and your ex were not a good match.I am sure you can find someone better later on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

So, I've been re-reading all of this and thinking about everything still. This quote seems to be a recurring element in what everyone tells me. "The one that will love you." That is something that I'm having a hard time understanding, just look at the world today, 90% of married couples, or even just couples in general are constantly un-happy or getting divorced, or stay together but hate each other and just try to find ways to not be around each other. My own parents are the same exact way, I think this is one of the biggest problems I'm having with this break-up. It feels like I really had what I wanted, and now I'm afraid that later on in future relationships, I might never be fully satisfied again. Am I going to have to settle for that wife who nags me constantly, or just be that guy who's single, and works, and survives.. and there's really no point to it other than existing? I don't want to sound stupid about this, and I probably do, but I just see so much of that unhapiness everywhere and I thought I was one of the very rare lucky people that was actually happy.

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I know exactly how you feel gear... and its sucks. It sucks big time. But you need to realise that this happened for a reason, you need to go through this and learn these very harsh lessons about life. Learning these lessons doesn't make it suck any less, but it just means that this whole breakup BS wasn't for nothing. It might seem strange now, but you will come out of this with a whole lot of new skills that will put you in good stead for your next relationship.

I also find it hard to imagine myself with a girl as compatible with me as my ex... but I do know that that girl is out there, its just a matter of time before I find her. And when I do, I will have all this experience behind me to make it work even better.

It might seem like you feel like you are going to have to settle... but you won't, there is another girl out there who is even better. If anything, from the sounds of it its your ex who is going to have to settle for someone.

You can now see that its truly over with this girl, or at least that there is nothing you can do change her mind. So just take the step and go NC... just try it for one week and see how you feel. After this many posts, and us already showing that your plans are flawed, surely you owe it to yourself to at least give NC a try.

I know the outlook may seem grim, I was in your shoes not too long ago. After my break up, which I was unhappy in the relationship for close to 6 months beforehand but didn't have the set to end it myself for fear of being alone, I thought I wouldn't find another women. So after this site, and Tal's kick to the b@lls, I realized I don't have to have a woman to be happy. I can be happy myself, and I started to change for myself and for the better. Shortly there after I met a terrific girl and got engaged, and we love each others company as well as love each other. So that could give you some hope.

If it doesn't, take my parents for example, they have been together for over 25 years and still love each other dearly. They were high school sweethearts and have survived just about everything.

I also have other family members still together. The point is, if you have a grim outlook of course everything is going to seem darker, but if you look at things with a brighter outlook, the image of things change. Take a look at this scene, it's so dark and rainy outside. The wind is blowing, the roads are soaking wet with water and the trees hang low because their limbs are so waterlogged and you say to yourself I don't think the sun will ever come out again. Sure enough, the next day, there is it. Shining bright, birds chirping and flowers a plenty. After every rainy day, the sun will come back out. You just got to wait it out sometimes.

So (and this is just a hypothetical question) if I were to still have strong feelings for her in, say... a couple years or so, and she was available, would it be insane of me to try and rekindle things myself?

I'm just wondering if there is a certain amount of time that I can just give her total space, and then she'd potentially be open to me again, even if she hadn't thought of it.

Just a hypothetical, I know a lot could change and I might not be the same person I am now in two years. I'm just curious how long is "long enough."

I think that, hypothetically, in a couple of years you won't give a damn about her.

But yeah, I think that well down the track things can work out between people. You will both have grown up a lot, learnt a few lessons, made a few mistakes and be all the better for it.

Personally I think that a lot more people get back together than the "3%" figure that is thrown around on this site. I think that probably 0.3% of people who are heartbroken and plead and beg and get back together with their ex's because all that does is drive them away.

I think that you need to have fully moved on from your ex before anything can be rekindled. But the thing is, by the time you have moved on and you are viewing things with a clear mind, you will probably notice all the things about her that annoyed you, and you will be glad it all happened.

That's just how I think it could well go down... I mean it could easily be that in a couple of years time you guys bumb into each other and hit it off and realised how good you were together. But she needs to really want, and you need to be able to forgive her and trust her again after crushing your heart. But I think it's a big if, and you cannot take on the mindset of "well if I wait a couple years it'll sort itself out" as you try and move on.

You won't be thinking about her in a couple of years.If you are still thinking about her then you would need to go see a doctor.

Empty cans is right,thinking so far in the future is wrong on so many levels,what about today or 2moro? For all you know you were meant to split up because karmically your meant to meet someone else! As for relationships failing the majority of times that's not true, people pnly let you see what they what you to see. As my friends said "relationships are like ducks swimming along a lake,they look peaceful and serene but look under the water and they're paddling like f@ck to stay afloat"

I think you should start thinking about the PRESENT, and start doing things to move on from your EX- or she will hurt you more and more in time-- eventually you will end up hating her.

Let the future come to you- best way really and worry about it then.

You can do it Gear4hd- so when are you going to start your healing process?

Listen man, I have been in this situation. I met a girl was madly in love with her. Then all the sudden she changed and started hurting me on a regular basis. Long story short, we broke up she moved away. I was devistated, started drinking too much, and couldn't understand why she did it. And I like you thought well in a couple of years we will bump into each other and she will realize what she gave up. But its not worth it. You need to step totally away from the situation, and do whatever you have to do to get over her as soon as possible. Once I was over her and started getting my act back together, I met the real love of my life. We are now married, have a home together, and have two beautiful kids. And we are absolutely crazy about each other to this day. Quit sulking and get over her, you will find something fantastic someday!

Have you ever heard of the phrase: One day at a time? Allot of support groups use that phrase to cope with the problems that we all have on a daily basis. Survive today, today, Survive tomorrow that day, and so on.

In my own experience, I had my heart broken and strung along for the sake of my ex not feeling guilty about hurting me. After reading this post that's what seems to be happening to you.

Anyway, I went NC and bumped into her a few years later. To my surprise, instead of being excited to see her at the mall, I ducked into the first store I could to avoid her. I didn't want to hear how great her life was now, etc, etc.

If you can learn anything from this is, you will notice the warning signs in the future and try to stop it before it gets out of control, as I am right now. Take care and go NC before you get too deep in the friends zone, and she starts talking about new guys that she meets.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

I gotta admit though, this would be much easier to handle if all of my friends hadn't pretty much moved away just before this break up too. My four best friends all had to head back to college and now it kinda feels like I'm all alone.

Hate to whine, but it helps to let this stuff out.

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Alone is good!
Alone is a time to reflect on the 300 plus suggestions you have gotten here.Find one that fits for you.

You are dwelling instead of doing,that will get you no where.You will be in the same funk a month from now.

Get off the woe is me pity pot and get on with your life.

Only you can make a difference in how you feel.

Get out,get some exercise,make new friends and see this as the learning experience is is.

Volunteer your time here,clearly your experience is worth something and you might be able to spare someone else what you went through.

Do something other than dwelling on what you don't have,concentrate on what you do have and suck it up!! You can do it!

If this world doesn't take your hand, it will only knock you down. If you won't pick yourself up, maybe you don't belong on your feet.

So.. Valentine's Day tomorrow. I was thinking of getting her something, nothing big, just maybe a rose and homemade card or soemthing that just says I'm still thinking aobut her.. not sure if this is a bad idea or not, any advice on that?

Should I just leave her be?

Save yourself the heartache Gear. It won't do you any good... especially when it turns out that she hasn't got anything for you. I got my ex a really nice Christmas card and a nice gift... what did I get? Nothing. She "didn't have time" to get me anything or even write me a card.

LEAVE HER BE! No good can come of it at all. She already knows you are thinking about her. It will send her a stronger message if you get her nothing.

Not to downplay the situation here, but I find myself reminded of Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka when I read this. If you've never seen the movie, his character constantly tells the various kids to not mess around and get into trouble, but they do anyway...

Mike Teevee: Look at me. I'm going to be the first person in the world to be sent by television.
Mrs. Teevee: Mike, get away from that thing.
Willy Wonka: [unenthusiastically] Stop. Don't. Come back.

Gear, you got to stop doing this to yourself. You're the only one preventing yourself from moving on and healing. You have to accept the fact that she's made a decision - and that decision doesn't include you.

Many of us here have been in this same boat but we've learned to accept the situation and move on. Leave her alone. Don't get her a single thing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

So.. Valentine's Day tomorrow. I was thinking of getting her something, nothing big, just maybe a rose and homemade card or soemthing that just says I'm still thinking aobut her.. not sure if this is a bad idea or not, any advice on that?

Should I just leave her be?

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She already knows that you are thinking about her.Your actions have made that evidently clear.Dont send her anything.She broke up with you,meaning she didn't want you in her life.GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS!

Gearhe4d,
What can I say: NO DO NOT BUY HER ANYTHING.

She will not appreciate it, value it and will probably throw it in the bin or something... what a waste of money and effort from you...

Remember she is with someone- HE will be getting her the V gift and probably be spending the V DAY with her!!!

I think you should go and buy something nice for YOU- When was the last time you did that for YOU?

OR if you don't feel like getting anything for you and really want to waste money- then maybe you should get us all (all the folks that replied to your post) a present!

Listen to zeeniee: He's right, your out of the picture and buy for yourself. It really won't
Hurt you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Empty Cans

Save your self the heartache Gear. It won't do you any good...especially when it turns out that she hasn't got anything for you. I got my ex a really nice Christmas card and a nice gift....what did I get? Nothing. She "didn't have time" to get me anything or even write me a card.

LEAVE HER BE! No good can come of it at all. She already knows you are thinking about her. It will send her a stronger message if you get her nothing.

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All right, since basically everyone said not to, I'm not getting her anything, I'm just curious what you mean about it being a "stronger" message that way?

Thanks for the help again.

Im in the same boat as you gearhead, my girl broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Its still painful. Ive been trying to go NC, but shell text me every once in a while. Ill get drunk and try to call her or show up at her house, only to freak her out. My ex needed the space to stop partying and focus on her and her son, but still continues to live the life we did. Ive pissed her off to the point of no return, but who knows? Maybe she will come back, but until then I'm trying to move on. We were moving away together, looked at engagement rings and she stopped taking her because pills, talking about another child. She's 28 this year ill be 26. I was the nice guy just like you and smothered her just like you. She felt "we spent too much time together. She lost her job and I lost mine, she's losing her house and has a 10 year old. The next thing she got rid of in her life was me! She told me I was too nice, and that we wanted different things. Of all the f---king holidays to be broken up V day is today and were alone. My girl was beautiful, she had the body of a porn star, fake breasts, 27 inch waist and a j lo butt, she was perfect, but also had these isssues, I know it hurts to watch them suffer and deny help. Entering back in her life will only push her away. Trust me I've done it, for the past 2 weeks. Were nice guys, before you know it they will realize what they are missing. Its up to you whether you want to be with her again after she's hurt you like this.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Alright, since basically everyone said not to, I'm not getting her anything, I'm just curious what you mean about it being a "stronger" message that way?

Thanks for the help again.

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Well the way I see it, she was probably expecting you to get something for her, because of the way you've been acting since the break up. So when you don't get her anything, she will probably be surprised and wonder why... and maybe wonder if you are moving on, or if you got someone else a Valentines gift.

Not that that really changes anything, its not going to make her get those feelings back. But people want what they can''t have... as I have said before, if you ever want her back, you first need to focus on yourself, better yourself, and move on. The more you pine for her, give her gifts, keep on talking to her, the more its just going to push her away.

That's where I am at now... god how I wanted to send her a valentines text yesterday, or just call to catch up. But its not going to do any good... in fact its just going to make it all worse and kill off any chance of a reconcilliation down the track. It might happen one day, but there is a lot of water to go under the bridge before that ever happens. At that applies to your situation too.

Accept that its most likely over for ever... of course there's a chance one day down the track, but its not something that you can wait for, its just something that will have sort itself out on its own.

You can't hold on to a person against their will. They have to be with you because they want to be. Sometimes a person has to feel freedom for awhile, but then they will look around and say to themselves, "I had it much better with him and I miss him." Then they will be with you willing, and loving it, instead of feeling manipulated, if you had forced them to stay with you and not let them go. If they never return it gives you a chance to start fresh with someone who will appreciate and love you for who you are.

It's official, I've been replaced.
She's now together with that guy friend of hers.

I've reached a new low of sadness this morning.

No worries man. I know how it feels. You HAVE NOT been replaced. No one can take your place, seriously. Don't look at it like that. I know it hurts, and I am sorry you found this out. I KNOW it sucks... but, you can only go up from here. That is the good news.

I know how you feel man... have been where you are. I know you have been reluctant to do it... but use this as the motivation to just swallow your pride, take your dignity, and cut her out of your life. This should be enough to knock her off her pedestal.

Cut her out to remove yourself from the pain. What you don't know can't hurt you. And believe me, you don't want to know.

But as KC said... its only up from here. Have a read through my thread... I'm still hurting, but I'm much better, and beginning to have fun again... there are plenty of hot single girls out there... might take a while for you to be ready... but you will get there.

Go and watch the movie "Swingers" with Vince Vaughn in it... its a great move for guys going through all this breakup BS.

Keep your chin up mate. It will all be OK.

Only a matter of time for me to be in that same position. I was doing good for a week, then I went back to square one. And will hate the day I see or hear her with someone else.

I guess it really is true about the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing.

Funny how, in my head, I'm still trying to figure out a way to get her back even knowing that there isn't any hope in that. Sort of an interesting feeling, knowing that she is now doing all of the cute little things she used to do for me, for some other guy now, and I'm still infatuated with her.

Dosen't it seem more logical for me to hate her right now or something? Or at least not want to talk to her, or see her?

Why do I feel completely the opposite? I usually don't want to be around people that aren't interested in me, or would much rather be around people other than me. I don't like how I've sort of become this idiot who feels like he needs to be around a particular person now.

We experience a wide range emotions going through a breakup, and not necessarily all in the same order as others so this is normal.

Its also normal to want to be with someone that we've had a bond with. This is similar to losing a loved one, a pet, etc. There's an emotional attachment component that you simply can't just turn off at will - but time can and will lessen the intensity of these feelings.

I went through similar thoughts myself until I finally truly accepted my ex's decision. I even toyed with the idea of her getting back with me - I think when we're put in this situation we all do. The important step now is to keep moving forward. We have to accept that we must live our lives without them. We had a life before them, did we not?

Its over man sorry try to win her back give her a pet or something