This sticks in my craw more than anything else you have written.Quote:
if she is wanting me to stay around in case she changes her mind.
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This sticks in my craw more than anything else you have written.Quote:
if she is wanting me to stay around in case she changes her mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I am not saying that I am sticking around for her to change her mind. I want to know if she is the one expecting me to be waiting around for her as soon as she decides she doesn't want someone else or to come back to me. Because I want her to know that she could lose me forever and to think about if she really wants that.
Yep. You have to show her the consequences of her decision. So far you were showing zero consequences because even if she leaves you and goes with someone else, in the back of her mind, she knows she can just come back whenever she pleases. (She doesn't actually sit there and plan this out, but this in unconsciously what you've helped her feel).Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
Again, the worst thing you can do is ask her questions about wanting you, still loving you, giving it another chance, or whether she is dating another guy. Because if she is not talking, it means she is NOT READY to decide anything. Stop trying to make yourself more comfortable through making her uncomfortable. Her job is not to make you feel okay and to go to bed more easily. She has not been put on this earth to feed your emotional needs, especially when she says she is thinking she wants "out". Whatever decision she makes, you have to end things with saying "okay, we had some great times together, and you know I love you and wish things were different, but I want to respect your decision. I also don't want to make it any harder to move on, so i think it's best we part and go our seperate ways." And show maturity. Make sure the last impression is the best and that it is something to think about.
Someone said this on my thread and I think it's gold to tell an ex who wants out of the relationship, "We can't be friends right now because I feel that we had more than friendship, so maybe someday when we're both ready we can be friends".
Those two lines, if she ever comes out and tells you that she has finally decided it's over, will put your mind at ease. You know why? Because you won't worry about thinking, "well should i tell her or remind her that I love her? I mean the No Contact could make her think I'm not trying...etc..." --> you won't have to worry about thinking any of that. They tell her the most important key messages: that you love her, that she is the one deciding to call it quits, and that you are not in her life from now on.
Anyway, remember what I said about this only being a "right now" situation. Right now you two are apart. But no one knows what the future holds.
So because you can't control this situation right now, why don't you focus on the things you can control instead? Like all the things you're suppose to do to better yourself. Those things are in your hands, and not hers. So let's see what you do!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Soul
Thanks sad, well said.
You know, you can't live your live waiting on other people. If you do, you will lead a very empty life. It is high time that you realized the potential of this situation. You have the ability to reinvent yourself, this a fresh start. All of the other things that you wanted to do with the ex and never did, you can do those now for someone else. I know you have a past, but so does everyone else... but not everyone that had a past is together. But, that is a good thing. If all that it took to be a compatible couple was having a past together, well... there wouldn't be divorce. People change, things change, times change. Just because you were right for each other when you were kids, doesn't mean that you are right for each other now. If someone never matured or changed from the time they were 18, society would go no where. Different life experiences teach us things about ourselves... and we make decisions about the future based on those experiences. Although at the present time, the situation is not in your favor... you can make it that way by the way you look at it. This is just a growing experience... some of them are more painful than others... but the more painful it is... the more you can learn from the situation. So, look and the situation and what can you learn about it? Don't think of it as what you will change for your ex... because she is out of the picture. What does this experience teach you about yourself? Does it teach you about what you need in a relationship? Stability... free spirit, etc. Does it teach you how you want to treat others? Perhaps because you know what it is like on the other end... Does it teach you about the maturity of the person you would like to date? Does it teach you about the role of family in your relationship? Look and all of the questions and figure out what you can learn from all of this. Again, the ex is out of the picture. Do not answer the questions with her in mind. This is an emotional growth exercise. Good luck.
Thanks star, I know I need to use this time for me. Everyday I think it will be getting easier to focus on myself, even though I know I will be thinking about her in the back of my head. Thanks for all the wishes of luck, I am going to need it.
What are some of the things you want to do?
I know personally I have been trying to learn to play the guitar, and working out more. Its good to think about what you actually want to do.
Thanks guys, today I was able to go hit some golf balls with a friend and play some video games. Tonight we are going out to hard rock casino hotel where there are clubs and bars and stuff. I mean I am excited to go out, but it still doesn't feel right. I have that empty feeling that I don't belong and miss having my ex by my side. I hope it doesn't keep me from having a good time but I think it just might. I have been strong with the NC and haven't talked to her since wed. and through text on Thursday. I kind of keep hoping she will call but nothing yet. I know its bad to think about but I can't help it sometimes. Whenever I start to realize what's going on, I have weak moments where I think to myself that I don't want to do this. I want her back in my life. Well we will see how tonight goes, I will have fun but I know I won't be as fun as I can be since I know she will be on my mind.
Okay try this... look in the mirror before you go out and say... "Tonight, it is all about me." Say that about 6 times and if you are out and you start thinking of her, say it again. It is a very impowering saying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by star3114
Thanks I will try it, coming on here gives me the strength to keep on my path and hope for the best.
There are lots of wonderful things to find in the world.
Hey everyone, well last night was pretty fun, just hung out and had fun. Waking up this morning though, I really started to miss the ex. I haven't talked to her since wed. and I don't know why but I keep wanting to talk to her and be with her. Last night I didn't even think of her, well maybe a few times, but now I can't get her out of my head again. I just want to end all of this nonsense and tell her I want to be back with her. Well I am just venting out what I am feeling right now, thanks for everyone's support
QUICK! Go for a run! Keep running! Gear all that energy towards a good workout! Now's the perfect time - with you being upset and all, and thinking about her. Trust me. The hardest part is just getting up and going. Just do it! Do you have your running shoes on yet? Hurry!Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
You have made progress already and I'm happy for you. The mornings after going out are usually the worst time for me, but sad soul is right, don't just sit around it will only feel worse.
I don't know if its been mentioned at all yet, but family can help a lot too. I don't particularly get along with my parents, but even they helped me out a little bit especially at first when I was so lost and confused.
You have made it 3-4 days now with no contact don't break it now. Who wants to start back at 0 days again? Just wait until you hit a week, or a month you will feel even better that you didn't cave. Ive followed your posts from the start and I can see a difference already. Every time you think you are going to break down and phone/text/email/whatever her, post here instead, or write it down on a piece of paper to at least get the words out. I did that in the first couple weeks, and I can look back now and wondering what I was thinking at the time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Soul
I wasn't able to go for a jog, its been raining on and off here today. I have just been watching football on TV, still feeling a little tired from last night. You know what really bothers me and makes me think more is the fact that she hasn't told me right out what she wants from me. I mean yeah she wants space and we aren't together but she claims to still want to be in contact but not as much. So, should I just ask her to tell me straight up if she is taking this time to really think about me and us and the future or if she wants to date this other guy and move on from there? I think this is why I keep feeling and hoping that this is just a phase that she will realize was a mistake. If I don't say anything could she get the impression that I am happy with being friends and I will be here no matter what? She says I can call her whenever I want and she will call me sometimes so if I never call could that make her think that I am fine with everything and I'm not willing to fight for her? I know I shouldn't have to fight for anyone's attention or love but do you think its possible she feels since I am not calling her or anything that I am happy now with her decision? Well I know I am probably repeating myself but its hard to remember what I have posted already and I am just going by what I am feeling, so any words of wisdom are appreciated.
Okay bummed... this has turned into an addiction. You know she has bad after effects, but still you are looking for the "high" of talking to her. Don't wait for your next fix. Find other things that make you feel good. IT IS YOUR LIFE!! Don't wait around from someone to tell you when to jump. You deserve more than that. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I deserve more than this". Whenever you start to doubt what you are doing, say it again. Keep us posted.
Yeah thanks star, I know I sound pretty pathetic but I mean this whole thing is hurting me deeply. Its like sometimes I start to think about moving on and what I need to do and I feel better but then it all hits me that I don't want to lose her in my life. I guess I shouldn't look at it like I am losing her forever because I don't know that. It just feels like she is slipping away. I mean I know its my life, but I want her to be in it. So anyway, I am doing better than I was last weekend and hopefully this week will be better than the last. I just don't know how long this is going to last and how long I am going to be feeling like this. Whenever I start to feel better, I just think about the reality of the situation and it makes me feel horrible all over again. Well I have stayed strong and haven't called her in a while. The last few times we talked she called me or texted me. It is just agonizing waiting and wondering if she is going to call me or what. I can't help but to look at the clock, check my phone and all that stuff. I don't want to keep having false hope, but I think I am delaying the finality of the siutation because I really feel that we are meant to be. Call me stubborn but I guess I am. Well just wish me luck, I will keep coming on here to vent my feelings and I am sure it will be a while before I stop having these emotions inside of me. Coming on here and reading makes me feel a lot better so I thank everyone.Quote:
Originally Posted by star3114
Sometimes it just helps you understand things better when you can vent. Venting is good because then you don't keep it bottled inside, just festering. You don't sound pathetic. You sound confused. There is a huge difference between the two. I know this is hard for you to understand, but you really are better off without her. After all of the dust settles you will understand that. This is just an opportunity to do some personal growth. In the end, you may end up together or you may find someone better. But to get through this, try not to think too far ahead. Take each day as it comes. Take each day as an opportunity to improve on the YOU that YOU want to be... not the YOU someone else thinks you should be. If you try to improve just for the other person, you will end up frustrated in the end... especially if things don't pan out with her. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change... and why?
Read this... it should provide lots of good insight to you.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-123862-7.html
Quote:
Originally Posted by star3114
Well I know an area that I lack, which is probably a reaon why I am in this situation, is that I am not a really emotional person and don't always express my feelings. I don't know why but I have always kind of been like that. She has told me that sometimes I didn't show her affection or make her feel loved all the time. I mean I have gotten better at this since I started dating her but I know I still need to improve. But don't get me wrong, I was not cold with her and always hugged and kissed her but sometimes I guess after 4 yrs I didn't show her affection all the time because I was comfortable around her. I mean I know its too late to change that but I do want to improve so she can see that I have changed and want to show her my emotions all the time, so that she really knows that I love her so much. I also probably need to be more outgoing. I like to have fun but sometimes if I don't feel comfortable I don't really say much or make an effort to meet new people.
The only way you will prove that you are serious about change is if you show her you are changing even when she is not there. This is when you are talking about the honest and naked truth; that you are going to change and better yourself, no matter what the circumstance.Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
You need to prove to yourself and to the world that you are damn serious and that you are capable of change. You are proving nothing if you are thinking "well if she were only back I would show her the great change...etc".
Believe me that she will notice, with wonder, if she comes back one day and sees someone who has made good changes in his life. Everyone will notice gold when they see it. So you have to keep working hard (and it's called working hard because it is soooooo so so sooooo so so HARD). It's hard to stay healthy and to keep in shape. It's hard to save money and to not spend it on this and that. It's hard to keep staying positive and to have healthy thoughts. It's hard to improve, but if you make the dedication, and do something small each day to move forward, you will look back and be amazed with yourself. And with practice, what was once very hard starts to slowly become easier.
You can do this. And nothing is better than offering the best of yourself to the world, as well as to the woman that will someday be with you. You have nothing to lose with this plan. Keep working at it! Be serious about wanting to improve. Keep busy. Make some plans.
Easier said than done, I know. But I'm not talking about becoming King Kong over night. Just make mini goals for each day, so that you at least do them. And this will keep you (even if it's slowly) moving forward. There's no place to go but forward.
GOOD LUCK! :)
You know this does not sound like something that is wrong with you. This was just a communication issue, not an inadequacy on your part... so don't beat yourself up about it. My husband and I were having similar issues. I am a really emotional, touchy feely person and he really isn't. I thought that he didn't love me because he wasn't showering me with hugs. That is when someone suggested the book the 7 languages of love. I have no clue who it is by. It really shed some insight on our communication issue. It wasn't that he didn't love me... it is just that his way of showing love was different than mine. Also, my way of showing love was different than his love style... so he often felt alienated too. I am sure there are other books out there on the subject too, but this one really stuck out when you mentioned the issue. Even though you are not in a relationship now, it can help you determine what your love language is, and that of a potential new girlfriend. Good luck!;)Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
Thanks for your advice sadsoul and star. I know that there is nothing really wrong with me its just this whole situation has made me feel like there was something I could have done differently that would have avoided this. I mean really its up to her and what she is feeling. My parents took a "break" before they got married for almost half a year and then they realized they were really right for each other. I know I shouldn't move on thinking that we are going to get back together but I know this hope will always be inside of me. So I am going to try to become a better person, stay healthy and show her and the world that I am special and a great person. If someone better comes along then that would be great and if she realizes that I am who she wants, and I still feel the same at that point than that would be great too. I guess time will tell what happens with me and her and if we are really meant to be. So thank you all, I will be on all week at work and venting and reading and learning.
OK I just thought of something that I want all of your opinon on. So as we left it , we can still call each other and she still wants to hear from me and whatever. So, do I say something to her like I am not going to call you anymore, if you want to talk call me? Or do I just not say anything and just let her contact me whenever she wants to? I don't want her to get the impression that I am going to call her from time to time and when I don't that I am mad at her or don't care anymore. Do I say anything or just let it play out?
You can say whatever you have to say AFTER she contacts you. If she tells you anything along the lines of "call me, cause I want to be friends" then you should tell her how you feel, but in a mature way.Quote:
Originally Posted by bummedout4
You should tell her that you will not be contacting her, and that you feel it is best to move on because right now you feel as though you two had a real love, and so it's hard to switch that to friendship. But then, maybe a few years from now, when the emotional dust has settled, it would be healthy to be friends. Someone posted that for me and I thought it was great. You won't beat yourself up over wondering if you guys parted with her maybe thinking you're not going after her because you don't care. You won't think any of that. She will leave knowing you love her, but that you are also MOVING ON!
I said that before to you on a post. I think it's all pretty safe and healthy to follow.
I know this is all emotionally draining. So please give yourself a break, and leave a little of what's between you two up to nature. Right now, your only responsibility is to work on yourself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Soul
Thanks , I agree that things just have to work themselves out and start moving forward. I appreciate the insight.
I would wait, and if she phones/texts you again just let her know that not talking is a big part of your healing. You could tell her that until she wants you back to not phone you if you are really worried she might be think you don't love her anymore.
You are putting too much thought into how you are going to communicate to her telling her you can't communicate with her anymore! (ive read that sentence 3 times and I 'think' its proper english)
You are absolutely no chnce of getting her back at the moment!! You sound like a wussie and she is just dragging you along at the moment. What are you talking about telling her your not going to call she doesn't care she doesn't want you anymore weell at least at the moment. So please STOP all the CRAP I don't car if your parents got back together all your looking for is false hope!! SHE Isn't Coming BACK CHAMP!! You're the NEW GIRLFRIEND NOW..
If you want to get this chick back Don't speak to her and don't answer tell her your not wanting the same and your ready for a relationship and she's noT!! SIMPLE Don't let her use you mate that is all she is doing I GUARANTEE that..
You can't see it but she is
Don't be used and donr=t me an oidiot your not thinking clarly ring her up and tell her yourve thought about things and its best if its just completely OVER cause you want someone who wants a healthy relationship cause that's the truth!! If she wants that she will contact you aonce she takes it all in probably in about two weeks when she isn't hearing from you...
Thanks mckenzie, I know I am not really helping myself out at the moment. I know I should just tell her how I feel about all of this and that I don't want to be just friends. So if or when she is ready to commit to me then to call me then. Its just hard because I don't want to push her away but I also don't want to be played around with. I am going to see what happens, she hasn't contacted me since last week so we will see when she finally does. So I guess I will move on from there. Thanks again, I know I am weak and this is making me realize some issues I have with myself such as a lower self-esteem than I thought. Hopefully this week is better than last week and so on.Quote:
Originally Posted by mckenzie134
All right man... you need to listen to me since I am in the Same situation as you and this all started the same time that yours did... kind of freaky. Well anyway I'm 18 and my ex is 16 and we went out for 1 year and 2 months. Well she just got her drivers licence and I think that she just wants to be free and do what she wants at the moment. She thought that I didn't care about her anymore and so she wanted to be just friends. I have realized so much about my feelings for her through this break and she then tells me that she does see a future with us together but just not right now. I have been depressed for a while and actually didn't eat for 4 days at one time and lost 15 pounds... well my mom got me this book about depression and one thing that really made me feel good is talking about going with the flow. It tells me that I have to just quit worrying about it and live in the now. It then refers to a tomato plant in saying.. "A tomato seed will not grow good if you dig it up every 20 min and check its progress... you have to just let nature take its course and live life" I have found that by me not talking has in a way given me some power in this whole situation. I didn't talk to her at all for 3 days and although it was very hard... I was starting to feel pretty good about it. Then yesterday she instant messages me and I feel weak and we start talking for about 10 min.. Then she says she needs to go. After the conversation I felt that I now need to start all back over and I lost all of the progress that I was making in this whole situation and that I lost the power that I was gaining. Oh and I'm also in the same situation since she is going to homecoming with this guy who is head over heels for her and he tries so hard to win her over by sweet talking her and such... its really hard but I do feel better after not talking to her... in a way she is playing you and you need to stop playing her game and start playing your own. Contact me if you need to tilak because our situations are very similar
Thanks for your comments. Yeah it looks like we have pretty similar situations so hopefully they work out for both of us.Quote:
Originally Posted by WC583
Hey no problem... I actually just registered so that I could answer this question. I will keep you posted as to how the progress is coming with mine as well and if this strategy works. My situation is of course a hell of a lot deeper than what I told you but I just gave you the story in a nut shell... hope it helps
Thanks again , well to let everyone know, I am going to text my ex today because I know she has a big finance test today and I just want to wish her luck. Is that bad? I just want her to know that I care about her and want her to do well, also that I am thinking of her. Other than this though I am not calling her or texting her again until she contacts me. I guess its breaking NC but I feel like I should for this one exception.
I don't think that I would do it even though I would want to. I think that if you seem too desperate or too concerned, it will push her farthur away... you want her to miss you and that can't happen if you keep contact or keep butting into her life. I like the idea but I don't think it will help... She already knows how you feel for her and she already knows that the ball is in her court and such... you have done and said all that you can and I think you should just go with the flow for right now
Well everyone today has been a difficult day so far. I woke up and I just felt like today was going to be an emotional day. It doesn't help that its really rainy and crappy out so it makes me more depressed. I just got back from lunch break and I pretty much was a wreck and really emotional. I don't know how to shake this and its taking a lot out of me. Should I sit down and talk to her one last time to really make my point clear of what I want and she needs to telll me what she wants to do? Its been 3 weeks and I feel like I am being dragged behind with false hope and no real answers. I just need to know what she is thinking and what she is feeling for me and if she has thought about anything during this time. I can't keep getting my hopes up and thinking that she will come around and realize I am right for her. I don't think I can be just a friend right now because I want much more than that. I really need some closure on where we stand and what she is feeling about the future. Its going to be hard for me to have this discussion with her because I don't want to give her an ultimatum but I am starting to see that I don't know if I have another choice. If I keep waiting this out and just not contacting her and the days go by and we still talk here and there I will keep thinking I have a chance and will give me hope, false or not. I am just so tired of crying and hoping and praying that things will work out for me and us. I really don't know what else to do. I know I have been over this over and over and all of you have helped me a lot but I don't know what else to do and its not letting me move forward. I don't want to push her away further so I don't know if I should even talk to her or wait for her to contact me and then bring it up. I just hate not knowing if she even cares anymore or if its even on her mind. If this is a bad idea , please talk me out of it!
You can come up with any excuse you want, it still is an excuse. call to keep that false hope alive, Then start over with the healing. But expect no sympathy from anyone, when you find that it was a mistake to break your healing through no contact.Quote:
I guess its breaking NC but I feel like I should for this one exception.
To have those feelings now and again, is normal and human. To act on them because you have them, would be STU(not smart or healthy)PID.Quote:
If this is a bad idea , please talk me out of it!
Seriously just fight the urge to call. I can tell you from personal experience that nothing good will come out of it. Just walk away and start your healing!
So I shouldn't call and ask to speak to her. I still feel like she is doing whatever she wants with no consequences because she knows I want her and want to be with her no matter what. How do I make it clear to her that she needs to make a decision and not leave me hanging ? Can NC alone accomplish this? Shouldn't I make it clear to her by telling her that when she knows what she wants she can contact me. I don't think she really knows how I feel about that, so I feel like I should tell her, even though I know its going to be hard.
You need to wake up and smell the coffee man. The woman needs to grow up, and you need to wake up and see she's got you p**y whipped. Be a man and look for a more mature woman without this sort of drama. There are lots of women out there that will respect you.
The sad reality of it is that she is gone. You are still worrying about what she thinks of this and you, but she clearly doesn't care or else this situation wouldn't have happened in the first place.
If you don't want to be 'strung along' or left as backup, you don't need to tell her anything. You need to walk away and save what little self confidence and pride you might have left.
Do you want to look back on this years from now and see yourself groveling for her to only be shot down, or do you want to look back and be proud that you walked away from someone who didn't deserve you?
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