Never break NC.
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Never break NC.
Since you keep having urges to let her know how you feel, how about sitting down and writing every thing you wish you could address down in a letter, and then burning it.
I have used this in the past to help me deal with unresolved feelings, and I could feel myself letting go of some of them as I imagined them drifting away on the smoke.
I keep reflecting on our wonderful trips together. I keep thinking positive, reading positive books, and it makes me think so positive of her.
The first couple of weeks I had a "not meant to be attitude" but now it is turning into a what could it been, even though this situation is literally impossible to fix.
The more I try to erase her from my head, the most she appears. She is like a ghost.
My therapist told me today don't contact her, he'll bet $100 she won't respond, and it will just make it worse. Only contact her if it would make me hate her if she doesn't reply...
Good idea. I'll try that. I need to stop typing the urges, because when I type them, it is too easy to just click click send.Quote:
Originally Posted by QLP
I honestly want to reach out and touch her.
The nature of our relationship... being intense, obessive, both of us being physically ill, the only focus of our lives, while we were both living in new places, with a pregnancy, disconnect from other friends, vidchatting talking non stop all day everyday, 100+ emails a day back and forth... just has created a monster.
Don't go in circles. You already know what to do.
Once again contact with her sent you spinning.
Seriously, block her. Whatever it takes. I did it.
You can too.
Remove the drama once & for all.
It seems to me like you are confusing forgiving her for wanting to be back with her. It is good to forgive her past behaviour. It is not good to imagine that the behaviour wouldn't happen all over again if you made contact. And it would hurt even more.
Remember you have to keep all parts of the picture in your mind.
Her being the one to block me first, cut it off with me, made me panic at first, really put it off putting. She is blocking me out, rejecting me so easily, it makes me want to contact her more. I guess it is just natural for me to want to breakthrough somehow when she successfully NC against me.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I bet you will not believe, I was a 100x bigger mess when the events were unfolding and the week afterwards when she was claiming nervous breakdown...
I see the whole puzzle, but I just see my flaws. I forget hers... I see mine, and it wasn't me, it was the person I came.
I compared myself to what I was at this point last year and it is laughable how far I've fallen...
As you are blocking her from your phone & email, also delete every email to & from her, including her friends & family.
Delete all pix on your hard drive, phone, camera or dresser drawer.
And any mementos, love notes, gifts or anything else in plain view.
You need a serious dose of YOU, not her.
"successfully NC against me"
Can you see the irony?
Yes I've deleted her number (but have it memorized), all e-mails, FB blocked, view no pictures ever, all e-mails deleted with any mention of her.
Of course I have her email memorized, but not in my contact list anymore.
I logged into her email today and read a couple old ones of her saying nice things to me, and her goodbye email to me from about a month ago.
Anyway MUST BE STRONG NC IS ONLY WAY TO GO. I broke it last week, but this time it is sticking.
So what can you do to make yourself more the person you were or want to be? Not what can you think or say but DO? Start with something small. Go for a walk and get a bit fitter. Read a book and learn something new. Help someone in need, try a little volunteering. Learn a new recipe. Anything positive that you fancy. Start on project YOU.
"I logged into her email today and read a couple old ones of her saying nice things to me, and her goodbye email to me from about a month ago."
DELETE.
Don't log in to her email, c'mon. That's breaking NC too.
Problem I am having is, like I repeated, is that I am transforming my energy into positive. I am reading about how to do so, affirmations, this and that, becoming more positive, but it makes me want to share the positive energy with her. It is like making me feel too good.
"it makes me want to share the positive energy with her"
She is gone, though. Not in your life anymore.
Direct that energy everywhere else. Starting with you.
I agree with QLP. "Start on project YOU."
Invite yourself out on a date. Spend the whole day together.
Make a plan that doesn't involve her.
And BTW, if you blocked her, why are you still getting texts & emails?
Just wondering.
It came from the work e-mail address. Don't know how to block the texts.
'Invite yourself out on a date. Spend the whole day together.'
Brilliant.
Use that positive energy on YOU. Stop seeing NC as a temptation to be resisted and start seeing it as the key to freedom.
Call your phone company.
Block that old work email too. You don't work there anymore, plus she does.
If they need you, let them send a letter.
I found this link - The Loser1 - Relationship-Help
We both exemplified so many of the effects:
Her:
HUGE ONE FIRST::::::
2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.
7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else.
13. Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way.
18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser".
Me (things I did):
6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.
8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up
10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie.
12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.
18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser".
"the key to freedom"
Yes. We all have different ones. Mine is beautiful. A big gold one.
Hidden right in front of me, and I still didn't see it.
Find it first, then unlock that s$$t!
I don't like the term "loser"
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