Ask Me Help Desk - My life is in bits...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

"Its like I said to my auntie last night - he has blown it for good." - Totally - A lot guys aren't grown up until even age 35.

I don't get it - he has a chance to be with you AND his child!

There is someone out there for you - and you will know when it's the right fit.

You are a very samrt, mature woman.

Unfortunately you saw Pete's true colors. It's so weird, how you THINK you know someone....but in reality they may be leading you on....acting!!!!.....trying to be someone they are not.

I bet most of us have been through this.

Why thank you Wildcat - your words mean a lot to me ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Its comforting to know you are not alone. My first marriage lasted exactly one year. It was a milder version of the movie "Sleeping With The Enemy". I learned a lot the hard way and felt the hurt of it for some time afterwards. I was ashamed of it even and wouldn't speak of it for many years. Clearly I am over that haha! There is always a naive element in love and trust that can be taken advantage of, which is why its wise to gooooo slooooow, see your partner from many angles, meet everyone who knows him/her, see him/her in lots of situations, etc and even then there simple is no guarantee. But once you know, its time to go! And Holly is definately going now... cue the music for "Don't Rain On My Parade"! ;)

Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter,
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter.
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade.

Don't tell me not to fly-- I've simply got to.
If someone takes a spill, it's me and not you.
Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade!

I'll march my band out, I'll beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out, Your turn at bat, sir.
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it!

But whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection,
Or freckle on the nose of life's complexion,
The cinder or the shiny apple of its eye,
I got to fly once, I got to try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?

Ooh, love is juicy, juicy, and you see
I got to have my bite, sir!
Get ready for me, love, 'cause I'm a "comer"
I simply got to march, my heart's a drummer.
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade!

I'm going to live and live now,
Get what I want--I know how,
One roll for the whole shebang,
One throw, that bell will go clang,

Eye on the target--and wham--
One shot, one gun shot, and bam--
Hey, Mister Arnstein, here I am!

I'll march my band out, I will beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out, your turn at bat, sir,
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it.

Get ready for me, love, 'cause I'm a "comer"
I simply got to march, my heart's a drummer.
Nobody, no, nobody
Is going to rain on my parade!

This is where I wish we had a little applauding icon so I could post six of 'em now, which is the limit here! :p

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

This is where I wish we had a little applauding icon so I could post six of 'em now, which is the limit here! :p

Well I can hear clapping in my head - does that count? Lol

Gosh, Holly.. I'm so glad that you see it more positively now. You're right - it is Pete who is alone.

You've got your friends, Nan, dad, and a better outlook. What more can a girl in your situation ask for..

I just got back from staying with my daughter for a while - she's also doing this without her man, as he was also indecisive, so she made the choice for him and moved out. She is having her baby in August. She has me, her friends, and the support of her bosses. They have taken on being her 'daddy' and support her all the way. Her friends gave her a baby shower a few days ago, and that baby has a larger wardrobe than we do now. It also took her a while to get over the 'mourning' period of that relationship, and it's not really over yet, as 'he' will be visiting and naturally taking part in the financial issues.

It really hurts me that you both have to go through this stage in life in a way you did not plan, but that does not mean it has to be without joy, hope, and new dreams for the future.

Here's hoping you don't give up your dreams and new plans for your future, with or without Pete.
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Lots of Hugs!

Wow Chery - very similar. Lots in common. Interesting.

Holly where here for you. Guys as young as Pete really are not close to prepared for this. They reLLY SHOULDN'T BE INVOLVED WITH WOMEN BECAUSE THEY CAN NOT HANDLE THE CONSWQUENCES. Seriously.

I know you will one day find a great guy who loves you and the child. I only hope Pete loves the child.

Hey DJ, I've been following this thread closely and I'm so sorry that Pete wasn't the man we thought and he gave you such unnecessary grief. I'm very proud of the way you've handled it though and know for a fact your baby will have an excellent mother and the welfare of the child is first! With your ATTITUDE You can't help but succeed, And I feel you'll conquer this speedbump in good stead. Health and GOOD luck.

Yes, unfortunately we saw the real Pete.

You never know who they think they are... how strange. Some people are pretending and lead you on in dating/relationships.

They take a lot of work and when things get tough, people bail.

I wrote Pete a letter and posted it through his door last night. His Mum said he has read it and is going to reply!! The letter I wrote is below - tell me what you think?!

Hi Pete,

I am not really sure where to begin, but we need to start communicating about THE BUMP (as I call it) and I know how hard you find all of it – so I thought rather than confront you (because I find that really hard to do) and put you on the spot, it might be an idea to write to you and let you have a think before responding; as you probably have thought about some of but not all of the following?!

Do you want to be involved? This is something that I really need to know Pete – because I have things to sort out and plans to make and I need to know if I can go ahead with my plans or if I have to discuss them with you first?! I also need to know if your answer is YES how involved you wish to be.

Do you want to have a say in what tests I have & don't have? I am having blood tests done on the 14th July to determine everything is ok with me and there are certain ones I can have to test the baby for downs etc which are optional and something I have to say yes or no to!

Do you want to come to the scan with me? I would like you to be there with me; however I am not going to push you into doing something you don't want to do; again your decision. I am due to have one a dating scan soon, to work out my exact due date but they have not yet confirmed a date or time with me to do this, however due date wise we are looking at late December/early November. I am due another scan just to check that all is ok and find out whether it is a boy or a girl in about 5/6weeks time – so if you would like to be there for either, or then just let me know, so I can work out dates and times suitable for us both.

Do you want to be on the birth certificate? Bear in mind you will have no rights as a father towards our child what so ever if you choose not to be. (just don't want to to make a hasty decision you could regret)

Do you want the baby to have your surname? Have my surname? Or shall we double barrel it? – This all depends on your involvement, I cannot make the decision for you – you have to tell me.

Do you want to be there at the birth? Men are not usually good with this and I am not even sure you would want to be there (even if we were still going together) – it is the one and only thing I am dredding and the one and only thing that is frightening the life out of me; so I would not wish it upon you as well; but if you would like to be there then that's fine with me.

NB: I am planning to move closer to my job in North Wilts to cut petrol costs down, so that when I return to work, I will have fewer expenses – also to have a fresh start! I have filled in application forms with Kennet District Council & Westlea of North Wilts and I will be sending them off shortly (as soon as I get my proof documents) in the hope of moving as soon as possible.

I have picked the names already (after giving myself a huge headache) lol

Isla Elizabeth (Girls)
Owen James Lee (Boys)

I have spoken to the midwife about quitting smoking, and she is referring me to an advisor, however I have cut down and have switched to lights (making every effort).

Please let me know what you want to do and how far you actually want to go (if at all); it's the least you can do for me.

Hope you are looking after yourself

Holz

Well done. Nice letter, couldn't have written better myself. Xx

Very well written Holly. It is good that you wrote the letter, you know I have always said that is the best way to go, if you are unable to do it in person. You got right to the point about everything.

Joe

Thanks KRS - I thought it was an all right letter myself - wrote it off the cuff without even thinking; took me 5mins - I was always like that at school when writing Essays lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Very well written Holly. It is good that you wrote the letter, you know I have always said that is the best way to go, if you are unable to do it in person. You got right to the point about everything.

Joe

Thanks Joe - it'sgood to know it comes across so well - that's exactly how I wanted it to come across - straight to the point; but no nasty!

Very nice Holly - I doubt Pete knows much about 'bithin and babies'. Gald you are offering involvement.

Holly, your letter was great! No need to say any more about that.. But, please consider the fact that 'lights' have an ingredient that makes one more addicted.

If you must smoke, then stick to the ones that the little 'Bump'' is used to. Since you were smoking when you conceived the baby already has nicotine experience, just try and cut down as much as possible and eventually quit.

Again, lots and lots of luck dear!

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Thanks guys - always good to know I am doing & saying the right things. ;)

Glad you put all that in writing.

All you can do at this point is give him the opportunity to do the right thing, while you are doing the right thing with or without him.

You've really found some solid ground and an inner strength that is remarkable.

Any news from pete's side?

Nothing, although I was sat in my front garden two days ago (because it was too hot to be in doors and I was feeling rather sick) and he must have noticed and then looked for any reason to be out the front. I even moved at one stage to the end of my drive to be sick (because I did not want him to see me like that and I did not have enough time to get in and upstairs to the loo and he kept riding his bike back and forth past me) He is talking to me again (chit, chat etc) but has not replied to my letter or said anything about my letter?

Hmmmmm... that's interesting. I just wonder if he is too imature to know how to move forward with you.

Is he stubborn?

Immature is something he is proving to be & very young in mind by the way he acts. He is very stubborn also! - he never was with me whilst going out, but proving to be now - but he always has been stubbornwith his family etc.

I'm just not sure if he knows himself. I don't know. I was probably an idiot until my late 20's... this is where my wife would say "WAS an idiot"? =)

I still don't quite get the birthday party incident. What that whole attention thing meant. This is a long shot, and one I really haven't considered before, but maybe he doesn't think he's good enough for something so good?

lately I've been assuming petes just been a jerk (which he has been), but I know a guy who just cannot have a happy life. Every time this person gets things in line he screws it up soon after... to the point where you just wonder if they feel too much pressure when things are good and its just easier to live with failure. Unfortunately, this behavior has meant he has lost everything important to him over the last ten years. It is a self destructive way of living.

I'm not saying petes IS like this, but the reation to the attention at his birthday party and then completely going off the edge with the break up, you just got to wonder why he reacts so opposite when things are so good.

not talking about the letter won't be OK for much longer. He owes holly some answers. The letter was appropriate and thoughtful and forword without being disrespectful. He should return the effort.