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I just feel rather depressed and low...

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We all get that way when the energy is low, but you handled him well, so use that new bed for some sleep, and reward yourself, after you have rested.

Learn how to screen your calls. I send all mine to the answering machine, (or the fax, it drives the telemarketers crazy ) and return the ones that are important.

Hi ALL, An update,

Okay I am doing okay- have my bad and good moments- most important thing is I keep focus and work out what I want to do with my life etc.. and so this week I have started doing just that...

Well yesterday was suppose to be the wedding day- I was okay... glad I wasn't getting married to him- that I was sure of.. I went out with some friends all night- got home at 7am today!

So when I get home I noticed a text from the ex:

He asked how I was and that he was thinking of us a lot and that he really misses me and would like to talk—and then ended it with kisses and hugs xx.

Well I just deleted it and well just carried on with my day- too late me think and I don't like him no more. I have to admit I was not expecting this- guess he can lie on the bed he has made... gosh he has some cheek texting that...

YES!! Well done Zeenie! Look who has the power now. Pat yourself on the back, as I won't be in Singapore for... well... umm... NEVER! Good job! :)

Thanks KCTIGER,
I am shocked! Well it is all done and I am fine...
Anyway I would not rule out Singapore- you will be surprise at how you can have a v good night out- might surprise yourself lol...

Never say never

Well Kctiger-
1) open your diary
2) take leave
3) book a flight
4) get on a plane-

He- he- just being v cheeky today...

Chance is something you create yourself... so I believe-- well I tell myself...

Well done, Z.

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Chance is something you create yourself... so I believe-- well I tell myself...

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Your good to listen to yourself, well done again.

True Tal,

I think I may be going mad- as I swear I talk to myself about all of this!!

No - text or no text- I can't do this no more... I feel it is the right thing for me and so NC for life... the fact he behaved so badly when he came, just leaves me with no respect for him in any shape or form. That was not the person I knew or loved...

I though I feel good right now- I think it is because I think I have made the right decision and also that I drank far too much last night and I think I am still drunk- I am expecting the hangover to come tom or maybe Sunday... as much as I feel some peace with me- I am sure I will have bad days ahead of me... well I must take it day at a time...

One thing that did annoy me is that at the end I just left it in his hands and walked away-- I feel like he has now thrown it back on me... to make a decision... wish he just left it as it was... nevertheless, despite my frustrations on this-- I realise there is no decision to make.

The tune for today--

Aselin Debison- over the rainbow- what a wonderful world (medley)...

Leaves a good feeling of hope...

Pat yourself on your back Zeenie, you one strong woman. He didn't deserve you!

Sorry but i had to VENT today

Okay i will start with the good news:

I am trying to get back on my feet now- and I think I am getting better with things slowly; of course I am nowhere near as I was before all this mess- but a start is a start. I can cope much better from 8am- 8pm. I still struggle v much in the mornings, especially this week as I am been up and in work when the sky is still dark (7am). Yesterday I broke a fair bit in the morning and I think it was the familiar feeling of getting up early- the last time I did this was last July. I guess as this is the first time since, I recognized this change (I used to speak to the ex early morning before I headed to work daily) and so I broke. Despite this, I know and I can see that I can cope much better at work, which is a good thing as I have been totally flat out with work- this week I have hardly had time to for lunch! After work I am not too bad as I go to the gym or yoga and in between these days I slot a few nice things to do with friends. I am starting to feel myself again- (me doing lots of chatting, laughing and cracking bad jokes). I still find the evenings hard- especially when I come home—but this week I have been working till midnight as I have been writing a paper and I am aiming to get it approved for publishing by the end of the month. I am still struggling on the weekends- hardest days of all- but I have some volunteering work twice a month on Sunday afternoons- and so that is something new I am enjoying.

My thoughts this week have shifted to the future. My company announced 10,000 jobs cuts this Monday- do to restructuring which was not good news at all, considering they have been chopping jobs in the thousands since last year and sadly I have watched many staff I worked very closely across the board disappear one by one. It really is sad and heartbreaking. I regard myself extremely lucky as I, like others in our site are fine till April 2010 (contract ends), and so now I am planning to use this time to broaden my horizon on creating a few options. Ultimately I think I would be happy to continue excelling where I am for a while after 2010, or move to Melbourne (have already got my sights on a few things I could potentially apply for). So I realized that in a few months I will be ready to start applying / thinking of where I will be next year. I think if I ever had to be single, now is a good time as whatever decisions I will make will be for me, with no attachments.

In the meantime I am trying to live each day as well as I can. I now get happy amusing moments and deep depression through out the day. It is not the best- but at least I do have moments of good laughs—I take that as a very good start. I recognize the importance to sleeping and eating well and looking after myself . I am happy to say that I finally am doing this (except I still struggle to have a good sleep). I have created a few mini- targets for me to do (purely to motivate myself and not let myself slip into deeper misery-so easy to do) from now to Easter -I booked a long weekend trip to Angkor Wat for Easter as something as a goal to work towards.

I tell myself- I will be fine- god knows how many times. My friends and family and all you guys say the same—I now feel I believe I will in time—which is good, as 2 months ago I swear I did not think I would ever recover. I would like to say thank you to everyone here as you guys have helped me a lot and are still continuing to do so.

The problem: The ex- apparently I got a voicemail saying he is coming in May to see me to talk and sort everything out to like it was. This was this morning, which would have been UK late night. I deleted the voicemail and did think about a thousand things—of course I did, I am human with feelings after all- but I know deep down I can't go back- I don't mean to be unreasonable or cruel to him- but I just can't do this anymore. My phone numbers will change in 11 days time and counting. Now I know the best thing to do- is to take this information from one ear to and out the next ear and flush it down the loo, but I have started stressing as the day has progressed with this this news. May is 3 months away- f***** hell- this is all too much. I don't want him to come, I don't want to see him and if he does come I don't want to know. I am trying so damm hard to move on in a positive, upbeat way – which has required a lot of motivation, strength, courage-- basically every god damm thing I could find in me and now after receiving the voicemail - I can feel that crash coming-- yet I have to carry on as I am still at work till 8pm this evening and then I swear I needing a strong damm drink! I don't feel free – I feel rather dishearten and fed-up. I am being unreasonable, narrow-minded with not wanting to know anymore of this situation? I don't think I am, but I sure as hell feel under tremendous pressure from him and his mum, which made me question if I am or not being fair about the whole thing. They have made me feel that I am not being fair and like if this is now my issue/fault and I am letting go of this opportunity. The thing is I don't feel this way-. I feel different towards the EX in multiple of ways and levels- I have wisen up a bit --of course I wished none of this happened- but the ugly truth is it did and now everything has changed for me. I feel that I did whatever I could to salvage the situation- I wait like a total fool- for that hope- even though I was so shocked and upset with what happened- eventually his actions made me see this relationship is nothing more now but just misery and pain. Finally after 6 crappy s h I tty months, I have managed to muster up some courage to walk away with some respect for me—why is it after all this mess and heartache, now I get this—why now – can't they see the damage is irreversible? Does the EX have any idea what it is like for me to watch him mess everything up and for me to eventually walk away and start again like so? He should leave me be and let me live. Can't he see this?? - this has made me so mad and upset today and so I just had to vent it out here- I still have four hours left before my work is finished. It was either this, or scream the place out. Sorry about this.

Zeenie, continue to look forward and just never look back. Your heading in the right direction. Feel free to vent, anytime, we hear to listen.

Zeeniee, I'm sorry your ex is drudging up all these negative feelings.

You don't owe him squat. It is your right to move on with your life and not care anymore about what goes on in his. I wish I could say that I'm surprised he hasn't gotten the clue yet.

Hang in there...

Well I just finished work and I feel terribly low- I can feel myself falling apart.

Feel totally crap

Think about it this way: your ex had his chance. He has thrown it away. Now he's asking for a second chance, when you don't want him anymore. You have the upper hand now!

True- but I don't feel like that anymore. The whole thing has been killed well and truly- I feel so upset as he went through all that - and what exactly did he gain?

For me it was a hell of heartache and now I feel extremely lost- but as I know I can only make things better for me- and so I must carry on.

Saying that this evening- I just don't feel like carry on- I feel rather destroyed and I have just broke into pieces.

I am so peeeved and fuming- there just no wayout. When you wish the EX would come back- they don't and so wait like a fool

And when you finally give up- and stop being in love and stop loving them- then they do..

Crap- crap-crap

Well I just have to carry on- tom is another day and it sure be better than today- because today is too hard and painful

Nice vent, and all you need is that physical release through exercise or walking. I think your at the point that you need somewhere to vent the anger you feel as he is an idiot in the first place.

This is when you power walk, or punch a pillow, or give us a nice RANT, right here.

Its part of the healing process.

I agree- I go to the gym alot- it is the only place I can forget everything and so I do make a huge effort to go and I do enjoy working out-but today I didn't as I had a long study of 12 hours and my legs are totally killing me- and so I needed a day off from a work out- or I swear mylegs will come off.

So today I am afraid- I am having a few cigs and some vodka- well just one drink as I have a long day tom as well..

Ahh the 'want what I can't have syndrom'... How selfish a person must you be to put someone you love and care about through all this pain, and to destroy so many aspects of her life. And finally, when she starts pickking herself up again and moving on, you try doing some more damage and try your hardest not to let her move on for the sake of, well, your ego.

If he was a decent person, he would at least realise the heartache he's put you through and wouldn't want you to hurt anymore. Even if he did want you back because he still has feelings for you (and not because he simply wants what he can no longer have), if he truly loved you, he would keep his mouth shut just to make sure he didn't hurt you anymore.

He's a bad person Zeenie, and I know you know that. He is not worth your time. There are good men out there. Men that aren't selfish and that do care about how the person they love is affected by their actions. I am completely confident that you will find a man like that, and when you do, you will be incredibly happy and most of all, you will think back on this as the best thing that could've happened in your life. I know right now it doesn't seem that way but in the long run, you deserve so much more than the lack of decency this man has for you. You deserve a catch, the type of man commonly referred to as 'one of the good ones', which your ex is clearly not.

Take it one day at time, you're on the right path and that's the bulk of the work right there. Don't overthink things, try to be blaze until your perspective becomes brighter. When you get down or have dark thoughts and feel depressed, try to daydream about a relationsip in which you feel fulfilled. After all, isn't visulaizing what we want the first step to getting it... visualize harmony and happiness as often as you can and it will come sooner rather than later.

Zeeniee, I have read some of your profile I do know your pain, My ex fiancé broke up with me about 2 years ago. I was so devistated that she broke up with me again. She was my first love and I never thought this would ever happen but time does heal. Although it has been a long recovery it does. It took me about 6-7 months for the pain to go away and about 8 months to stop thinking about her and since then I only think about her if I want too. You are on the wright track and I;m happy you are doing better from what I've read. When I was on here I never told anyone this but I was so much in love with her I would have taken her back in my hurt phase. Don't you will see him for who he's is when you start to heal.